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When a chapter is named, the chapter master consults the Emperors Tarot for a name for the chapter. So, by proxy the Emperor names all chapters, and if they are given names that dont make sense, then it is usually made clear at some point.

 

Though there are others that argue against this point, so I suppose your chapter could go without bieng named. Doesent bother me anyway.

 

I DO like your story though. It isnt overindulgant on information, it is to the point, concise and most of all, it grabs you and makes you want to read it.

 

Though a little bit of semantical clear up would be good, for example:

 

His prayers was heard;

 

 

Should be, "His prayers were answered;"

 

Stuff like that, it just makes it flow a bit better, especially for someone like me who picks up almost every little mistake like that. Yes I know, im torturing myself mostly haha.

 

All in all, good work I say.

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When a chapter is named, the chapter master consults the Emperors Tarot for a name for the chapter. So, by proxy the Emperor names all chapters, and if they are given names that dont make sense, then it is usually made clear at some point.

 

Though there are others that argue against this point, so I suppose your chapter could go without bieng named. Doesent bother me anyway.

 

I DO like your story though. It isnt overindulgant on information, it is to the point, concise and most of all, it grabs you and makes you want to read it.

 

Though a little bit of semantical clear up would be good, for example:

 

His prayers was heard;

 

 

Should be, "His prayers were answered;"

 

Stuff like that, it just makes it flow a bit better, especially for someone like me who picks up almost every little mistake like that. Yes I know, im torturing myself mostly haha.

 

All in all, good work I say.

 

Well, unless anyone else have strong arguments against it, I think I'll just keep the name part.

 

Glad you liked it, I guess I achieved what I wanted. :angry:

 

I have changed it to: His prayers were answered. Like I said, I'm norwegian, so if you see anything else that just doesn't

flow or sound right, please say so, it will be greatly appreciated. But no need to torture yourself :rolleyes:

 

++updated: Homeworld, combat doctrine and organization++

Edited by Codex Grey
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i read this a while ago, and waited to post, but waited too long and now i'll need to reread it. i do know one thing, you have your chapter waiting a long time to pick a name, and while i can't say, "no, this is how it's done!" it seems a little too long to me, i think they would have had something before that. what about changing your first chapter master's name to luxia? then you can just say they chose to name themselves after him.

 

also, your chapter master, are you trying to say he fought during the heresy, because this is a bit of a stretch and would make him close to 1000 years old by the time of the third founding, which while not unheard of, isn't the norm by any stretch of the imagination, and he would likely have been either too old for active dute, in a dread, or the chapter master of the fists himself, don't you think? if you're simply saying he was recruited after the heresy and that the spectre of the heresy was still hanging over the chapter 800 years later, well, then i can accept that.

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what about changing your first chapter master's name to luxia? then you can just say they chose to name themself after him.

 

I could do this, because the of the tight bond between the master and his chapter. However, the reason I chose the name was this: Luxia is a made up name, but it is based on the latin word lux, which means light. I wanted Luxia to be a contrast to the rest of the dark segmentum. Also, I chose Sons of Luxia, beacause I wanted this close relationship between chapter and homeworld. I'll have to think about this abit more. I could also say they had a name, but changed it, but I don't like that, and you don't like that.

 

also, your chapter master, are you trying to say he fought during the heresy?

 

No, I'm not. Maybe I should make that more clear? It was part of my initial plan to have Alcaeus be a promising marine when Dorn died during the black crusade, which had an affect on Alcaeus, but since there was/is so much disargeement on the subject of Dorn's death and the age of a marine, I decided to drop it.

Edited by Codex Grey
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also, your chapter master, are you trying to say he fought during the heresy, because this is a bit of a stretch and would make him close to 1000 years old by the time of the third founding, which while not unheard of, isn't the norm by any stretch of the imagination, and he would likely have been either too old for active dute, in a dread, or the chapter master of the fists himself, don't you think? if you're simply saying he was recruited after the heresy and that the spectre of the heresy was still hanging over the chapter 800 years later, well, then i can accept that.

 

Bzzt, I don't think you're right there. As far as I know, no Space Marine has died from old age, they all tend to die in battle. Also, the current chapter master of the Blood Angels, Dante, is well over a thousand years old. So I don't feel that this an entirely long stretch of the imagination. I would also think Marines from the heresy era were of "sterner stuff" than they are now. Of course, that is entirely my opinion.

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Dante is like 1,100 years old and BA fluff makes him out to be one of the oldest marines still on active duty who's not in a dread. also, it's explicitly stated in a few books and i think in a codex that marines who are old or crippled are given non-combat jobs. Crimson Wake mentions this and the one source i've ever read that states that a marine could live forever, one of the first two horus heresy books, doesn't really say that, it says that no one knows since they've never survived long enough to find out if that's the case or not. but Iacton gets old and it mentions how it slows him down and he wasn't nearly 800 years old i don't think.

 

...a distress call which had seemed to been playing for many centuries. Baffled by this information, Alcaeus ordered his fleet to answer the call.
Though the attack had just recently begun, most of the traitor forces were already on the surface.

 

please clarify this for me? which is it? if it's the first one, the world would have been over run without help... marines dont' fight for years on end, they win, even chaos marines. if it's the other then i would suggest fixing the earlier, contridicting statement, or at least clarifying what you're trying to say.

 

i suggested the name change because it was the simplest way, otherwise i would suggest they choose Luxia right from the start, a chapter of like 800 marines who've been fighting for years needs a name. like i said, it's open to interpretation but it just doesn't sit too well with me.

Edited by utilityzero
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Please clarify this for me?

 

I'm sorry, just a piece of an old idea. Don't know why it's still there <_<

It has been changed.

 

i suggested the name change because it was the simplest way

 

I know, and I appreciate every suggestion. I'm just trying to justify what I have done. In the end, I may even use your idea. I just want to hear what other people have to say about first.

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I have now changed the name of my chapter, and have moved away from the "long time before they got named" thing.

I actually like the new name. I think it's more original then Sons of... , pluss It gets rid of the debate of wether or not a chapter can go a long time without a name.

 

C&C is welcomed.

 

+Edit: I have added the beliefs section.+

Edited by Codex Grey
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Hmm, three posts in a row :)

 

Anyways, the Excubitors are now updated. Same questions as before(top of the first post) and other C&C are still welcomed.

 

Specific question: I can't seem to come up with a good battle-cry that sums up the chapter. Any suggestions are welcomed.

 

Hopefully there will be more replies this time.

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Looks Very good. Grats. I cant think of anything to say at the moment. Ill come back once im not jumping up and down due to hunger and having just gotten out of bed.

 

Often when no one posts its due to not having anything to point out/make fun of/shoot down/make a nuisance of themselves with. So its not all bad.

 

PS. did I already say that I love your colour scheme? If not then I do!

Edited by Grey Hunter Ydalir
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Looks Very good. Grats. I cant think of anything to say at the moment. Ill come back once im not jumping up and down due to hunger and having just gotten out of bed.

Thank you. I await any further comments.

Often when no one posts its due to not having anything to point out/make fun of/shoot down/make a nuisance of themselves with. So its not all bad.

Either that, or its just boring :teehee:

PS. did I already say that I love your colour scheme? If not then I do!

No you did not, but I'm glad you like it.

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is that color scheme exactly how you want the marines to look? if you can, i would suggest adding some sort of variation to the scheme, as right now it looks like it has been used before.

 

other than that, i love the background. the Excubitors (btw, what does that mean?) sound like the pinnacle of what the Adeptus Astartes are supposed to be. one question though- did they have a homeworld before they found Luxia, or were they a "crusade" chapter (ala Black Templars)? it is probably the latter, but i was just wondering.

 

oh yeah, and is there a template for IA's? i keep thinking there is, but i can't remember...

 

good job,

Khalaek

Lord Blitzkrieg

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is that color scheme exactly how you want the marines to look? if you can, i would suggest adding some sort of variation to the scheme, as right now it looks like it has been used before.

I don't paint or play, so I just picked a scheme that I thought was cool and represented my chapter. I have seen similar shemes too, but a lot of shemes are similar, so I don't think I will be changing it as I like it as it is. But I am open for suggestions.

other than that, i love the background. the Excubitors (btw, what does that mean?) sound like the pinnacle of what the Adeptus Astartes are supposed to be. one question though- did they have a homeworld before they found Luxia, or were they a "crusade" chapter (ala Black Templars)? it is probably the latter, but i was just wondering.

Glad you liked it. Excubitor is Latin for sentinel/watchman/guard. It's the latter, just like their parents(Imp. Fists) and their brothers(Black Templars). I thought this was clear? If not, let me know, and maybe I'll make clearer.

oh yeah, and is there a template for IA's? i keep thinking there is, but i can't remember...

I just used the codes:

Here

Edited by Codex Grey
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  • 1 year later...

I have been wanting to redo my first Chapter for a long time. The reasons are varied, but the most obvious one is the name. It was something I struggled with for a long time during the intitial creating. The problem with the current one is that it is not english, and I want a good english name like almost every other Chapter in the world. I wanted my Astartes to be able to say 'I am a ...' , Like 'I am a Dark Angel', I am a Space Wolf' or 'I am a Black Templar'. Now they can say 'I am a Herald of Light'.

 

Aside from the name the changes are few. I also hope that the members who didn't see this before can provide fresh comments on how to improve.

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The warp storms that had plagued the galaxy during the Age of Strife were disappearing.

I thought that they had already disappeared by the time of the Great Crusade but I can't remember any sources. I'll scrabble through my rulebooks.

 

Raging Orcs...

Is that a new race from Fantasy?

 

terrorizing imperial worlds

Capital 'I'.

 

 

upon Captain Alcaeus Tutor.

Bit of a coincidental name, Tutor, considering he's raising a new chapter...

 

Librarian Patronus

Do I need to say anything? ;)

 

Gifted with the mighty Venerable Battle Barge Imperatorae Tonitrus from the forges of Mars

The way you say 'from the forges of Mars' implies that it's new, yet you say it's venerable. Confuzzled me.

 

Alcaeus set sail towards Segmentum Obscurus and started the process of training and building up the chapter.

The line before you've said 'he began molding the first young members' so there's a little repetition going on here. If you drop training, there wouldn't be a problem.

 

Indeed, so close was the bond between the master and his warriors, that for a while the chapter was known as his sons.

Known as his sons? Didn't really get it.

 

crushing the enemies of the Imperium under their power armored heels.

'Boots' conjure up more brutal images than 'heels' for me.

 

Without wasting more time, Alcaeus, eager to prove his Chapter's worth in battle, ordered the fleet to head for the nearby system.

Perhaps mention avenging Dorn's death as well.

 

fighting a loosing battle

Losing.

 

luxian surface

Capital 'L'. In a few other places as well.

 

their allies sides

Ally's, if you're referring to the chapter or allies' if you're referring to the marines.

 

Together they stubbornly repelled the first wave of Word Bearers.

You mentioned before that the planet was already fighting a losing battle.

 

diciple

Disciple.

 

His prayers were answered; as ten of his men sacrificed themselves in a pool of blood, Sethos was infused with dark magick and transformed into a Daemon Prince, eager to spill the blood of the imperials.

Daemons Princes are fairly rare and the Chaos Gods don't just change people just for praying. Perhaps mention some more of Sethos' background and why the Chaos Gods would answer his prayers.

 

punnishment

Punishment.

 

Their first battle is given too much space. They are a Third Founding chapter, yet the only battle mentioned in any detail in the entire IA is this one. They need some more history behind them. You could also tighten up the rest of the IA in a similar way.

 

Right now, the IA is alright. But the chapter isn't. The chapter lacks a real theme or distinguishing features. I hate to say it, but right now it's bland. I know how bad it feels to have someone say that to you, so I don't say it lightly. On the positive side, all you need to do is inject some theme and then it will be a good IA and chapter. I'd first establish what theme or core of the chapter is going to be and tell us, so we can help you establish this in the IA.

Edited by Sigismund Himself
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Bit of a coincidental name, Tutor, considering he's raising a new chapter...

 

Tutor is also latin for defender, guardian, protector, so its not coincidental at all. :D I thought about replacing it with Tudor, though. Thoughts?

 

Librarian Patronus

Do I need to say anything?

Yes. I don't get it. :tu:

 

The way you say 'from the forges of Mars' implies that it's new, yet you say it's venerable. Confuzzled me.

I'll drop the venerable there, but keep it in org section, as after 10 000 years it would be considered venerable, right?

 

Known as his sons? Didn't really get it.

It is supposed to be '...known as the Sons of Alcaeus'. It was from an old text file.

 

You mentioned before that the planet was already fighting a losing battle.

Would 'fighting a desperate battle' work?

 

Daemons Princes are fairly rare and the Chaos Gods don't just change people just for praying. Perhaps mention some more of Sethos' background and why the Chaos Gods would answer his prayers.

In the old version it was a Bloodthirster instead, and Sethos was just the leader of that warband. I reasoned that, yes, they are both rare, but by removing the bloodthirster and focusing on Sethos, giving him some more background and motivation, and then elevating him to Daemon Prince, He could be sort of like an archenemy of the Heralds, returning from the warp millenia later to get revenge. I don't know if this is possible, so comments on this would be great. But you say that more background is needed. I have tried to do this, bu tmaybe not enough. I don't know how I am supposed to do this without taking up to much space.

 

Their first battle is given too much space. They are a Third Founding chapter, yet the only battle mentioned in any detail in the entire IA is this one. They need some more history behind them. You could also tighten up the rest of the IA in a similar way.

Is it really too much, or just too much for being the only battle detailed? I was considering adding a History section after that one, shedding some light on what they done the last 9 thousand years. Would that be good? What do you mean by '...the rest of the IA in a similar way'?

 

As for your other comments, like grammar and stuff, this will be dealt with.

 

Right now, the IA is alright. But the chapter isn't. The chapter lacks a real theme or distinguishing features. I hate to say it, but right now it's bland. I know how bad it feels to have someone say that to you, so I don't say it lightly. On the positive side, all you need to do is inject some theme and then it will be a good IA and chapter. I'd first establish what theme or core of the chapter is going to be and tell us, so we can help you establish this in the IA.

This is actually the kind of comment I've been waiting for. I've always known that the Chapter was lacking, and that's why I want to redo it. Since it was my first IA I wanted to make the type of Chapter that was more 'the good guys' than most Chapters. I wanted to make the type of Chapter I would choose to be in. It ended up with a decent IA about a Chapter that steels from alot of other Chapters, but has no character of its own. And since I know this, your comment just makes me want to improve the IA more.

 

Now, I guess the themes I went for the first time were 'defenders of man' and 'very cooperative with others'. But with the recent name change, I was thinking of bringing in some 'bringers of the Emperors light' imagery as well. I will have to think about this.

 

Any suggestions or comments are welcomed.

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Well, it seems that this Chapter sparked just as little interest now as it did the first time I posted it(over two years ago), but I don't blame you. I know I have some thematic issues with this article and thats something I just have to sort out. Still, any suggestions are welcomed, so I'm bumbing this one more time, but if no one has anything to add, this thread will once again rest untill I come up with a good way of redoing the Chapter. Edited by Codex Grey
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Well, it seems that this Chapter sparked just as little interest now as it did the first time I posted it(over two years ago), but I don't blame you. I know I have some thematic issues with this article and thats something I just have to sort out. Still, any suggestions are welcomed, so I'm bumbing this one more time, but if no one has anything to add, this thread will once again rest untill I come up with a good way of redoing the Chapter.

 

I'm always a fan of "Designer's Notes" - I'd be keen on you telling us what you think the thematic issues are - it would certainly open up avenues for discussion.

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Guest Mordray

Well... the problem I have is I'm not sure how I can help you.

 

I suppose the first thing is to ask the question...

 

How do you see your chapter going about bring the emperors light?

When you think of 'the light' in a non-literal way what imagery is brought up?

 

 

For my own chapter I am still working to answer the questions of theme... as well as a name. The Rave Demons though I love them dearly are not a true 40k chapter... more like legion... so I've set out creating my own chapter.

 

_Scorpions_ (place holder name), are a chapter that is born of the 13th founding and cursed to never be able to allow themselves to simply let go as when they do they become powerful and neigh unstoppable juggernauts but they also burnout and die.

 

I also want to include that the battle-brothers out of the 'hunt' down Scorpions, in name and form only, native to their home world. The Scorpion's thick armored hide is then incorporated into their power armor, some also alter their weapons. This is done because the chapter feels as though their armor, and weapons, are incomplete/empty/unhappy without the companion spirit of the Scorpion.

 

At the rate I'm going on this scorpion hunting I'm finding that my chapter is moving away from it's 13th founding curse and that the curse is starting to feel strapped on as a gimmick and yet I also don't want to lose it.

 

I have no idea if this helps you or not...

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Well, what I feel is the thematic issue is as I mentioned that there is no primary theme, just a bunch of different themes and ideas, none of wich are the main focus of the Chapter and none of which are particularly original. The only excuse I have for this is that this was my first Chapter. I'm the kid of guy who plays games where you can choose to be good or evil, and I just have to good the first time I play through the game, because anything else would just feel wrong :) So when creating my first Chapter, I wanted them to be 'the good guys', or at least as nice as space marines can get. So that meant marines who protected the weak, and the end didn't always justify the means. Also I wanted a good relationship between the Chapter and their homeworld (And already we see the similarities with the Salamanders).

 

To further the good guy aspect of the Chapter, I wanted them to have a good relationship with other Imperial Organizations, seeing the importance in the splitting of powers but still valuing the cooperation between the different factions( ultramarines). And then you have the similarities to the Imperial Fists, being a successor of Rogal Dorns Legion.

(Maybe I should just make them Chapter with mixed gene-seed from the Salamanders, the Ultras and the Fists and just call it a day :D )

 

Now when you take all these aspects of the Chapter together they compliment eachother, and it makes sence. But again there is no focus or character of it's own.

 

So, if I was to take one aspect and make it the focus, what would it be? One of the main things about these guys that I always wanted to portray ( but maybe not done it right) is the 'defenders' aspect. Space Marines in general are considered to be an elite strike force, this is what they are designed for. While the Heralds would most certainly perform the normal duties of space marines, they participate in far more defensive operation than other Chapter. One idea I've been toying around with is making them one of the Astartes Praeses. This would solidify their role as defenders, eternaly guarding the Eye of Terror (while fighting other races as well,of course) It also works well with their hatred for Chaos in all its forms. Maybe I can use the 'Light' imagery here, the light being the Emperor's way; the Darkness being all that has turned from this light, heretics and traitors. They bring the Empreror's light to those who try to hide in the shadows. Homeworld is then important to the Chapter because it is a symbol of the Emperor's Light in the face of darkness, the Eye of Terror.

 

Well, that's rambling for you.

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They bring the Empreror's light to those who try to hide in the shadows.

The problem with this is that it's almost directly opposite the defenders theme. Unless they believe that the best form of defence is offense.

 

The other problem that I forgot to mention was that they didn't really have any flaws. To offset all the good things, there has to be some bad things :)

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The problem with this is that it's almost directly opposite the defenders theme. Unless they believe that the best form of defence is offense

They don't exclusively fight on the defensive side. But I see what you mean and a change of the line can make it fit more with the defenders theme. 'They bring the Emperor's light to those surrounded by the Dark Gods, repelling the darkness with fiery illumination.' Or something like that.

 

The other problem that I forgot to mention was that they didn't really have any flaws. To offset all the good things, there has to be some bad things

I was thinking about take the self-sacrifice aspect of the Imperial Fists to the next level, making it amlost an obsession to sacrifice themselves in the name of the Emperor. This would make the number of casualties very high, giving them a flawed side. Thoughts?

 

Also Sigismund, if you have the time, can give me your thoughts on the comments I left for your previous comments?

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