IA: Dune Vipers v.1

[toaae]

Index Astartes

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<<Chapter Badge: Two-head Viper forming a V, coiled around a combat knife>>

 

The Dune Vipers Space Marines Chapter

 

Origins

In Jacurutu, the Fortress Monastery of the Dune Vipers, the chapter

Edited October 18, 2019 by toaae

[Beta galactosidase]

The names for places and factions sound like you’ve been paying attention for a long time in order to get classic 40k names, they’re one thing that keep me reading.

 

You’re right that you should edit some entire paragraphs down to more oblique one-liners, which is kind of the style for these things. You have a really good handle on that style and I think after three passes you’ll get it exactly right.

 

The regent of Sikarra is an example of what you’ve gotten right already. I love it, I love the concept, but you explain it just the right (small) amount. There are a couple of references elsewhere to the chapter being inexperienced, just a bit, and then the Regent section explains that without being directly part of the same section or anything. It’s a good and interesting governance model but it presents it without having a long discussion.

[toaae]

The names for places and factions sound like you’ve been paying attention for a long time in order to get classic 40k names, they’re one thing that keep me reading.

 

You’re right that you should edit some entire paragraphs down to more oblique one-liners, which is kind of the style for these things. You have a really good handle on that style and I think after three passes you’ll get it exactly right.

 

The regent of Sikarra is an example of what you’ve gotten right already. I love it, I love the concept, but you explain it just the right (small) amount. There are a couple of references elsewhere to the chapter being inexperienced, just a bit, and then the Regent section explains that without being directly part of the same section or anything. It’s a good and interesting governance model but it presents it without having a long discussion.

 

Thank you! I'm glad to know my names aren't awful, as that is something I was afraid of. I make sure to say this stuff out loud, make sure it sounds pronounceable.

 

I'll work on it. Since posting it and stepping away, I've felt like I know how to combine and shorten a few things.

 

Low-key, the Regent of Sikarra is my favorite development. I'm happy to know I've executed it well in this IA.

 

Thank you for your feedback!

[Archivist Thaddeus Kryptem]

Wow, Just wow.

 

As a big fan of Dune, and in particular the Fremen, I wholly approve of this IA; the fact it is brilliantly put together and a joy to read doesn't hurt either 

 

Good job toaae!

[XIXWYRMEXIX]

I think it is great. I love lore based armies and concepts. I definitely got a dune-esq vibe while reading it so that vibe definitely came across while reading it. Fun little read.

[Brother Lunkhead]

This is a very solid piece of work Brother I think Frank Herbert would smile

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

So for the symbol I immediately thought of the US Army combat medic style patch due to it sounding like a caduceus symbol, then reminded myself this was Dune.

 

Here's something I found related to it that seems to fit, somewhat.

 

 

Is that about right?

 

 

 

I don't have much that I can say about the IA as a whole, it's well written and hits all the points it should. I'm a fairly big Dune fan so it was pleasant to read.

 

The only things I can really pick on heavily are the sections below and for the sake of C&C I'm going to dispense with the relevance of any nods or inspiration from Dune.

 

 

The Dune Vipers claim to be of Roboute Guilliman’s geneseed. However, the adepts of Mars claim they are of Jaghatai Khan’s stock, which is what was supplied to the chapter when they were given the secrets to crafting Primaris Marines. To further obfuscate the truth, the local Adeptus Administratum records that the chapter founded on Sikarra was a Raven Guard Successor, while the Forgeworld of Alecondre, which outfitted the chapter in its earliest days, claims the chapter as descended from the Iron Hands.

 

Outside the uncertainty of their primogeniture, the geneseed of the Dune Vipers has never shown any irregularities or impurities.

 

 

 

 

To my mind this doesn't add anything and if anything, distracts from the piece by raising questions where we don't need them. Not every chapter needs an intrigue like this and these guys certainly don't benefit from it.

 

Hunting parties were sent out to find hints of “The Exquisite Symphony”, so that the chapter could enact their revenge, but no signs of the renegades were ever found. Eventually, the chapter was forced to set aside their thirst for vengeance and return to protecting the worlds of the Imperium.

 

 

 

Here I honestly think you're missing a trick. I want to see how this failure affects the chapter. It's almost throwaway in it's reference to the obsession over geneseed, but that's then undercut by the introduction of the homeworld people's obsession with water. There don't seem to be any other psycholgical scars, trait changes, no long vigils or anything else. This leads to these guys almost seeming absent minded, especially compared to the Fremen, who have long memories and held grudges.

 

In fact the only thing I don't see from these guys in reference to Fremen as you self-describe, is that lack of trust for outsiders and vendetta that they display towards those that wrong them. Maybe I'm remembering what I know of Dune, or misreading what you've put, but that's what I've been left with.

 

While I understand you shouldn't get lost in the weeds when you're writing an IA, sometimes a little deeper digging is good to be able to 'set the scene' a little more.

 

Overall though, it's really good work.

[toaae]

Thanks, guys! I'm happy to know it's a good start.

 

So for the symbol I immediately thought of the US Army combat medic style patch due to it sounding like a caduceus symbol, then reminded myself this was Dune.

 

Here's something I found related to it that seems to fit, somewhat.

 

 

[picture]

 

Is that about right?

Oh, hell yeah, that's very similar to what I had in mind. Minus the coiling around, more of a V, but that's great. Thanks for sharing that!

 

 

I don't have much that I can say about the IA as a whole, it's well written and hits all the points it should. I'm a fairly big Dune fan so it was pleasant to read.

 

The only things I can really pick on heavily are the sections below and for the sake of C&C I'm going to dispense with the relevance of any nods or inspiration from Dune.

 

The Dune Vipers claim to be of Roboute Guilliman’s geneseed. However, the adepts of Mars claim they are of Jaghatai Khan’s stock, which is what was supplied to the chapter when they were given the secrets to crafting Primaris Marines. To further obfuscate the truth, the local Adeptus Administratum records that the chapter founded on Sikarra was a Raven Guard Successor, while the Forgeworld of Alecondre, which outfitted the chapter in its earliest days, claims the chapter as descended from the Iron Hands.

 

Outside the uncertainty of their primogeniture, the geneseed of the Dune Vipers has never shown any irregularities or impurities.

 

 

 

To my mind this doesn't add anything and if anything, distracts from the piece by raising questions where we don't need them. Not every chapter needs an intrigue like this and these guys certainly don't benefit from it.

 

That's fair. It was an early detail when I was outlining the chapter, but when I went to write the IA, I realized I was repeating the same sort of thing I opened the Origins section with. I may be overdoing the "lost and mysterious" part here.

 

 

Hunting parties were sent out to find hints of “The Exquisite Symphony”, so that the chapter could enact their revenge, but no signs of the renegades were ever found. Eventually, the chapter was forced to set aside their thirst for vengeance and return to protecting the worlds of the Imperium.

 

 

 

Here I honestly think you're missing a trick. I want to see how this failure affects the chapter. It's almost throwaway in it's reference to the obsession over geneseed, but that's then undercut by the introduction of the homeworld people's obsession with water. There don't seem to be any other psycholgical scars, trait changes, no long vigils or anything else. This leads to these guys almost seeming absent minded, especially compared to the Fremen, who have long memories and held grudges.

 

In fact the only thing I don't see from these guys in reference to Fremen as you self-describe, is that lack of trust for outsiders and vendetta that they display towards those that wrong them. Maybe I'm remembering what I know of Dune, or misreading what you've put, but that's what I've been left with.

 

While I understand you shouldn't get lost in the weeds when you're writing an IA, sometimes a little deeper digging is good to be able to 'set the scene' a little more.

 

Overall though, it's really good work.

 

Good points, all. I'll take those to heart when I do a revision. Thank you so much for the thoughtful critique!