Imperial Castellans

[Ferrata]

For the first article back in the resurrected Liber, the Imperial Castellans. I'm sure you all remember the team that made this, so here finally is their IA articles. I'm currently working on a website to hold this information and more about the Castellans. Thanks to my_name_is_tudor for the artwork

 

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Keepers of the Faith

The Imperial Castellans

Space Marine Chapter

 

Sombre and stalwart guardians of the Emperor, the Imperial Castellans are proof of the Emperor

[Tubal]

It's a pretty good read which shows a lot of though behind it, there are a few mispellings and dodgy sentences here and there though :)

[Cpt_Tiberius]

I missed out on the end of this project, but I have to commend you guys on a really nice IA article. I also like the creative use of traits. It will hopefully show others that you can utilize a rule from a different point of view without changing it's in game effect. Good Job guys, :blush:

 

BTW, I drew an illustration for this project, but I don't remember if I ever posted it here. I can post it if you like, but did not want to without your permission first.

[my_name_is_tudor]

Tiberius, go for it. It's an awesome piece, I'm sure they'll love it.

[Cpt_Tiberius]

Ok, Tudor, Here it is...

 

I remember early on in the discussion we talked about giving the Assualt Termi's tower shields. I had this awesome image of them standing side by side in a ship's corridor with their shields interlocked and literally shoving the enemy off the ship one advance at a time. So the image is meant to convey a certain "knightly" feel, hence the horsetail crest and the crenallations on the tower shield.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v650/Cpt_Tiberius/Imperial_Castellan.jpg

 

Enjoy! :D

[Ferrata]

Very Nice there Tiberius, mind if I steal that for the Castellan's full time?

 

If anyone has suggestions on how to make certain sentences better or spelling mistakes, drop me a PM or Post here. I do want this to be perfect.

 

Ferrata

[Commissar Molotov]

Tiberius, nice work - I would be concerned about the use of the Fleur D'Lys, though - it's entirely used in 40k as a symbol of the Ecclesiarchy and Sororitas.

 

With regards to the IA, Ferrata: Is this a final draft?

[Ferrata]

With regards to the IA, Ferrata: Is this a final draft?

 

In regards to minor adjustments, no. It will be a living article until no error can be found in it.

In regards to major adjustments, yes. I feel that the Imperial Castellan's have distracted me away from the Wings for long enough I will not spend much more time doing large changes to their feel and IA article.

 

Ferrata

[Tubal]

I would be concerned about the use of the Fleur D'Lys, though - it's entirely used in 40k as a symbol of the Ecclesiarchy and Sororitas.

The fluff does mention that they follow the Ecclesiarchy dogma more than most chapters so adopting their symbols isn't a big step. Terminators are veterans too so perhaps he has a personal reason for decorating his shield. Shared campaigns with sororitas for example.

[Cpt_Tiberius]

Molotov - Tubal Hit it on the head. I had put them on there as a sign of there honor ties to the Imperial Cult. Plus they are very heraldric, so fit in with my theme. :wink:

 

Ferrata - Yes you may as long as I am credited. B)

[Commissar Molotov]

Okay, Ferrata. I appreciate you're too busy to fiddle with the Castellans. That's why, rather than criticising but never constructing, I'm trying to help you out. So, here goes:

 

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Keepers of the Faith

The Imperial Castellans

Space Marine Chapter

 

Sombre and stalwart guardians of the Emperor, the Imperial Castellans are proof of the Emperor’s greatness and the glory that will once more be Mankind’s. They diligently hunt down threats to the innumerable pilgrims that they protect, offering their lives for their duty. They form a mighty bulwark against the tide of darkness, at times drawing sustenance only from their faith in the God-Emperor, and the hope flowing eternally in their minds.

 

It strikes me that this paragraph is clumsy. It's overblown and full of superlatives that actually serve to make the Castellans seem quite pompous, rather than emphasising the dilligent humility which is perhaps one of their greatest traits. There's other grammatical issues, like the repetition of 'Emperor' in the first sentence that just make the first paragraph difficult to read. Perhaps you could consider something like;

 

'The Imperial Castellans are sombre and stalwart guardians of the Emperor, endlessly working to venerate Him and bring His glory to Mankind. They form a mighty bulwark in a time of increasing darkness, defending the Imperium no matter the cost.'

 

Admittedly, I feel that lacks punch, but I'm just suggesting ideas.

 

Origins

 

The precise founding date of the Imperial Castellans has long been lost, but they first appear in Imperial history during the siege of Hive Lousainne in 081.M33. The Hive, which the planet was named after, was under the enemy’s control. The Castellans marched upon the Hive and cleansed the city, taking only a matter of days to destroy all resistance. This was the first time the Imperial war machine credited the Castellans with victory, in their first action. After the Castellans had settled in the South-West of Segmentum Tempestus, they set about cleansing the area of all enemy forces.

 

I must admit I don't like the world being called 'Hive Lousainne'. I think you've made the slight edits (q.v. '...which the planet was named after') after I said it was unclear. I think it still makes it unclear. The first thing the reader sees is 'during the siege of Hive Lousainne'. If they're awake, they'll go 'huh? What planet is that on?' and then they have to keep reading to see your clarification. It makes it a bit awkward. My suggestions are to rename the planet. Call it 'Lousainne'. Call it 'Saint Lousainne', 'San Lousainne', or anything else. If you're dead-set on the name, consider '...they first appeared in Imperial History during the battle for the planet of Hive Lousainne, in 081.M33.'

 

You mix tenses a little in your first sentence... the use of 'appear' as opposed to 'appeared', in relation to 'has been'. Perhaps you should rethink the sentence, or just assign them a founding - what does the lack of founding add to the chapter? (I'm guessing you'll say that by cutting ties to a primogenitor legion it allows them to focus on the Imperial Cult like good little school-boys... but I'm not so sure.)

 

I think perhaps your sentence should say 'The Castellans marched upon the hive, cleansing all resistance in a matter of days.' It's more succinct.

 

The sentence 'This was the first time the Imperial war machine credited the Castellans with victory, in their first action' Is awkward, too. You're evidently trying to say that by the time the Castellans fought at Hive Lousainne, they were organised and a capable fighting force. So it's not their first action, simply their first documented action. You've already said 'they first appear in Imperial history at...', so this sentence is a lot of useless repetition.

 

I don't like the way that you say 'after the Castellans settled'... because it assumes the reader knows that they settled. Take out 'after', so it says 'The Castellans settled in the south-west of the Segmentum Tempestus, and quickly set about cleansing the viscinity of enemy forces.'

 

Over the next three millennia, the Castellans were involved in numerous crusades originating from their home world of Telluria. One of their most famous actions was in the second crusade lead by Pierre de Blois against the forces of the innumerable beast. The boarding of the Space Hulk, codenamed “Jurelys II”, set in stone the nature of the Castellans’ warfare, a style which has evolved little over history. Imperial Guard forces had tried rapid deployment upon the Hulk, but had been beaten back by the Orks. Pierre de Blois decided that it would be tactically safer to take each section of the hulk, inch by inch, room by room. Pierre equipped his squads with large quantities of Heavy Bolters to mow the foe down as they charged into the firing lanes of the Castellans. The Hulk was secured with minimal losses, though taking longer than first estimated.

 

Now, this paragraph starts awkwardly. You try to jam in the fact that they've settled on Telluria. I've deliberately refrained from reading this article properly until now, so that I would be able to adopt the viewpoint of a new reader. Presumably Telluria will be important later, but I hardly know anything about it. Perhaps in the last paragraph when you talked about settling in the South-West of the Segmentum Tempestus, you could specifically mention Telluria.

 

It's worth noting that 'innumerable beast' made me think of Tyranids and not Orks. I was surprised to find the Castellans combating Orks. Also, perhaps instead of writing 'the boarding... set in stone...' you could refer to Pierre de Blois more. Perhaps 'de Blois' doctrines heavily influenced the naescent chapter; his style of warfare is emulated by the chapter to this day'. If so, rather than 'innumerable beast', you could say 'One of their most famous actions was during the second crusade, lead by Pierre de Blois. De Blois' doctrines heavily influenced the naescent chapter; his style of warfare is emulated by the chapter to this day. Whilst boarding the Space Hulk Jurelys II (which incidentally doesn't strike me as much of a '40k gothic' ship name. Sounds more like a pleasure yacht used by playboys in the sun), de Blois equipped his squads with...'

 

Incidentally, I doubt that Imperial Guard forces would board a Hulk unless something major was afoot (or the ship that encountered the hulk carried Guard regiments. In that case, however, the Guard regiments would be bound for a warzone, and the hulk wouldn't be much of a priority. The older Space Hulk fluff said that one of the principal duties of the Adeptus Astartes was clearing Space Hulks. Perhaps Naval boarding parties might be more appropriate, but even so... I don't know.

 

Also, you don't mention whether all of the crusades were against ships, or whether they fought on planets too. If so, what did this 'new style of warfare' mean for their ground-based actions?

 

I don't like the use of 'mow', it sounds too domesticated for genetically-enhanced, acid-spitting super-soldiers. Try something like 'scythe'. And your last sentence mixes tenses. (The Hulk was secured with minimal losses, though taking longer than first estimated.)

 

During those three millennia, the Castellans launched no fewer than fourteen crusades into the area of space past the Tempestus segmentum. None of these crusades changed the Castellans to a large degree, but a single event in the Imperium’s history changed them forever. With the rise of Goge Vandire and his attempt to bring the Imperium under his heel, the Age of Apostasy began. Like all the Adeptus Astartes Chapters, the Castellans remained openly neutral, not participating in the battles until the end of the Reign of Blood. With the rebellion of Sebastian Thor and his increasing following, the Castellans were swept into the war.

 

Which area of space is this 'past the Tempestus Segmentum'? (Segmentum Tempestus, by the way. You can't switch them, aside from Ultima Segmentum, but you'd never say Segmentum Ultima). Are you talking about the galactic rim? Either way, it detracts from the story, as you're building up to talk about the Age of Apostasy. The sentences about 'this didn't change them, but that did' sound awkward. In the last paragraph, where it said 'numerous' crusades, switch that for fourteen, then you can remove this sentence. Then start again from 'With the rise...'. Perhaps consider changing it slightly to make it more dramatic: Something like "The Age of Apostasy began with the election of Goge Vandire as Ecclesiarch."...

 

The Castellans sided with Sebastian Thor and begun helping his forces in areas where their forces were currently deployed. Not willing to take an active part in the war, they helped to defend refugee routes as a wave of Thorians fled from the bloody clutches of Vandire. Due to them keeping a neutral position in the war, only defending the citizens of the Imperium, as per their Adeptus Astartes vows, the Castellans were not asked about their actions. Yet, overtime, it appeared that they were favouring the Thorians.

 

Why did the Castellans side with Thor? You make no mention of it, but it seems to have to be something big; your chapter decided to stand openly against the Ecclesiarchy and the Ministorum in the single largest war to hit the Imperium since the Horus Heresy. And they did it because of one man? Why?

 

'Not willing to take an active part in the war'? But the last paragraph said they were 'swept' (quite a dramatic term) into the war. It seems a bit odd. I also don't like the use of the term 'Thorian', which nowadays refers to a ideological faction within the Inquisition determine to reincarnate the Emperor.

 

Perhaps change 'a wave' to 'waves'. Or else they'd only have to defend the route once, instead of over an extended period.

 

I'm unsure about the reference to '[not being] asked about their actions' - remember the Ordo Hereticus wasn't created until after Vandire was deposed. If you mean by Vandire's men, well he was psychopathic, but he likely wouldn't have instigated war against the Marines. Not yet, anyway.

 

Change 'overtime' to 'over time'.

 

These refugee routes soon began to have two-way flow with ammunition, Thorian forces and other essentials for running a war, going one way and refugee’s the other. Being guarded by the Castellans, these routes where some of the safest in the galaxy and the forces of Thor begun to use them to their advantage. The Castellans knew about the influx of war items, but instead of refusing to guard the war caravans, increased the number of Marines on certain routes to current battle zones. The actions of Bernard de Clairvaux during the Age of Apostasy took a drastic turn when he began to send some of his most favoured Captains and Lieutenants to join War Counsels of the Thorians, acting as advisors.

 

There shouldn't be a comma after 'running a war'. No apostrophe in 'refugee's'. 'Where' should be 'were'. Perhaps instead of just mentioning de Clairvaux, you could write something like: 'The Castellans' policy of neutrality altered drastically when Chapter Master Bernard de Clairvaux began to dispatch some of...'

 

During the course of the war, the Castellans never initiated an attack on the Vandire forces, only defending themselves when attacked. This situation changed in the final stages of the war. While the forces of the Imperial Fists, Fire Hawks, Soul Drinkers and Black Templars besieged Holy Terra, the Castellans had their own battle to fight. A large number of the Thorian Refugees had been shipped to Fidaelis. Fidaelis was uninhabited as it offered no use, bar its breathable atmosphere, to the Imperium. One of Vandire’s Guard forces, the Twenty-seventh Penal Legion, begun to grav-shute onto the planet. Within two weeks of landing upon the planet, they had started to attack and slaughter the refugee camps located on the planets surface. Bernard de Clairvaux led the Castellans as they answered the refugees call for aid, allied with the Imperial Guard Regiment Laurian VII, under the command of Colonel Innocence Ascalon; they set about extracting the disease of Vandire of the planet.

 

I'd consider renaming the 27th Penal Legion to something a bit more sinister. Plus the Penal Legions wouldn't be too loyal to Vandire. 'Grav-shute' should be 'Grav-chute'. Why did it take Vandire's men two weeks to form up and attack the refugee camps?

 

Also, the last sentence is a little awkward (and there's a few mistakes in it.) Try; 'Bernard de Clairvaux led the Castellans himself as they set about removing Vandire's taint from Fidaelis.'

 

Also, perhaps the Laurian Seventh should already be on the ground, defending the refugees? In that sense, you have the embattled guardsmen dying, and Innocence Ascalon is in a far better situation to become a martyr.

 

By the end of the Reign of Blood, the Castellans had become increasingly zealous about the God-Emperor, even to a point of following a majority of the Ecclesiarchy's dogma. After the terrible event of the Reign of Blood, the Imperium was in a traumatic state, and of what little luxury Imperial citizens had was taken away. A role model for self-sacrifice was needed to spur the citizens into doing increasing amounts of labour for the Imperium. One of these role models was Colonel Innocence Ascalon after his actions upon Fidalis, and many pilgrims flocked to the site of this great hero’s death. The Castellan’s still stationed in that area begun to protect the Pilgrims as they had protected the Refugees. Over time they became adept at boarding actions and settled into their new role. With faith in their hearts, honour in their weapons, the Castellans still watch over the pilgrim route to Saint Ascalon.

 

You don't justify why the Castellans are following Ecclesiarchical dogma in a time when they're fighting against the Ecclesiarchy. Why didn't their constant struggles against the darker excesses of humanity entrench the beliefs they held already? There's other small mistakes here. "of what little luxury" should be "what little luxury"... You've also spelt 'Fidaelis' wrong, and your paragraph is again oddly worded - you assume that the reader should know that Ascalon died before telling them that he did. You mention that they've become adept at boarding actions but not really stated why. Were the refugee lanes easy hunting grounds for pirates? Did the Castellans attempt to interdict them? It's assumed but not explicitly stated.

 

Also, it later becomes clear that St. Ascalon is now a world. You make no mention of Fidaelis being re-named, or St. Ascalon becoming a densely populated cardinal world.

 

Since the Reign of Blood, the Castellans have changed very little. Their organisation has changed slightly to introduce Chaplain training for all Sergeants, Lieutenants, Captains and Veterans. This has made the Castellans one of the most pious chapters of the Adeptus Astartes, seeing the Emperor as a god that walked amongst men, and now a father who watches over them. Using their faith as a shield against the darkness of the universe, they have fought the forces of the Orks, the Ruinous Powers and numerous alien races. In the systems under the Castellans control, an extremely low minority of people have turned to the Ruinous powers, a percentage rivalling that of Ultramar.

 

Why mention the organisation here? It seems incongruous. It's also worthwhile pointing out that you have Lieutenants, which is a marked change for anyone reading an IA. You also make no sense in the order how you list those positions, going up in rank and then down again. You link the fact that they've not changed with the fact that they're pious, which makes no sense. Also, shouldn't 'god' be capitalised?

 

Perhaps you could change 'shield' to 'beacon'? And why Orks, Chaos and aliens? Aren't Orks aliens? I also think the percentages of people going to chaos seems odd. It's hardly in the galactic census. I would think that you could remove that, or make references to the Castellans' dominion being an especially peaceful place.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v237/Ferrata/IC/IAsmall2.gif

 

Home world

 

The Imperial Castellans religiously protect a lengthy pilgrim route, between the Cardinal World of Saint Ascalon and the Castellans home world of Telluria, some four systems away. Between these two worlds lie seven major way forts which house seven of the eight standard companies, and an uncountable number of lesser way forts. These worlds vary from highly advanced Hive worlds, to Dead worlds on which the only life forms are the Castellans and their Serfs. The forts are situated in ideal defensive positions to hold back the tide of invaders.

 

No comma needed after 'route'. Apostrophe after 'Castellans'. 'Way forts' should be hyphonated. 'seven of the eight standard companies' should probably read 'seven of the Castellans' eight companies'. You're again talking about organisation here, though, when you could just mention that the Castellans use the way-forts as bases of operations, rather than going into specifics'. You go from talking about the way-forts to saying 'these worlds' before going back to talking about the forts. Which worlds? You haven't told the reader. Perhaps change the following sentence to read: '...lesser way-forts. The forts are situated in ideal defensive positions throughout the four systems, guarding a bewildering array of worlds, from populous hive-worlds to bleak, uninhabited planets.'

 

Admittedly that sentence makes it look like they're guarding uninhabited planets, so it might need some work.

 

While a majority of the Castellans recruits beckon from the barren waste-lands of Telluria, they have been known to take recruits from the worlds hosting their way-forts. The Castellans choose not to recruit from the Pilgrim ships they protect as they are often malnourished and weak. The Castellans are also unable to recruit from St Ascalon VI due to Imperial Law.

 

Consider 'hail' rather than 'beckon'. Also, note that this is the first time you've described Telluria. And you're about to describe it properly next paragraph... this is another case of mixing up the order of your work. Explain Telluria first, then tell readers that the Castellans come from there!

 

Also, not your sentence is currently saying that the ships are often malnourished and weak. Of the pilgrims, there's no mention. :cry:

 

Telluria is a harsh habitat for the human settlers, with little cloud cover to protect them from the nearby star's radiations. Settlings stay concentrated around the two main bodies of water and consist mainly of irrigated farm land. The rest of the planet's surface is a barren wasteland. The population of Telluria defend their farm land zealously against the vicious pack animals that threaten their homestead, their herds of animals and their young. Several times a year, a community may gather its greatest warriors together to go on a hunt to the animals layers. These hunts are greatly watched by the Castellans, along with the wars between the communities to find suitable candidates for recruition. These hunts attempt to strike the heart of the animals in an attempt to stricken them unable to attack for several months, a tactic which is not lost upon the Castellans.

 

Consider a hyphen in 'cloud cover'. Perhaps to neaten up the following sentence, just write 'solar radiation'. 'Settlings' should either be 'settlers' or 'settlements'. 'Farm land' should either be one word, or hyphenated. 'Animals layers' should be 'animal's lairs'. How can you 'greatly watch' something? Perhaps consider 'watched intently'. Try 'recruitment' rather than 'recruition'. You mention wars between the communities, but perhaps skirmish would be a better term. You also don't mention until then that the humans fight each other. It might be worthwhile re-writing that piece.

 

You don't strike something in the heart to wound it, you go there to kill it (q.v. 'going for the throat'). Perhaps just 'These hunts attempt to render the animals unable to attack for...' It also strikes me that the Castellans wouldn't approve of driving off an enemy. Wouldn't they, as Space Marines, want to see the killer instinct?

 

Saint Ascalon’s original landscape has long been forgotten. Where the large cathedrals do not lie, only dirt exists. The cathedrals spread many miles across, reach far above any of the peaks of the planet, and stretch as far as the eye can see. The entire population lives by the toll of the bells of the largest cathedral, and life could not exist without it. No person works for a living, they spend their days praying to the Emperor through Saint Ascalon. They are supported by local planets, which send food and liquids for the preachers to survive.

 

I don't like the 'only dirt exists'. It's clumsy, it's lowly, and it's the original landscape - so it hasn't been forgotten. In the sentence ending '...life could not live without it.', you're referring to a plural, (the bells) and thus it should be 'them'.

 

I don't like 'no person works for a living', it seems odd. Perhaps 'The population devotes its efforts to prayer...' or something of the like.

 

The seven major way forts are located on four populated worlds, and three non-populated worlds. The closest to Telluria is the desert world of Judecca, home of the 4th Company, which is located on the outer reaches of the same system as Telluria. Judecca is populated by feral tribesmen who live in small nomadic warrior hoods, combing the planet for relics of it long lost hives. The 4th Company have located their fort in a large mountain next to one of the old cities. The only pathway open to an attacker is through the ruined city, which is littered with traps and scouts for the company.

 

I don't like the division between populated and unpopulated worlds. Perhaps simply write something like 'The seven largest way-forts used by the Castellans are located in hugely diverse environments. The closest to Telluria is...'

 

Please, please, use words to describe numbers wherever possible. Use 'fourth' instead of '4th'.

 

Warrior hoods? That should probably read 'small nomadic bands of warriors'. 'it long lost hives' requires an extra s.

 

How exactly does one 'lose' hives? Was Judecca attacked? And if the way-fort is in the middle of the hives, they're not lost, are they?

 

And aren't the pilgrims meant to stop at the way-forts? In which case, doesn't having it in the middle of a ruined city, littered with traps, a little counter-productive? Yes, pilgrimages are meant to be trials full of hardships, but there's a limit...

 

Located near Judecca is the Hive world of Cocytus, where the 9th company have been located. The hive world sprung up around sources of petroleum, which have been depleted for centuries. The hive world now acts as the administration centre of several systems, processing information from over thirty populated planets.

 

'Petroleum' should probably be replaced with 'promethium', which appears to be 40k's catch-all equivalent.

 

The 3rd company is based on the uninhabited moon of Ptolomaea, which orbits around Tor. Tor is also uninhabited as its surface is covered by nearly 97% water. The 3rd company have trained in the depths of the black waters since being stationed on Ptolomaea and have became adapt at aqueous warfare. Although a rarity style of warfare, it has been a crucial skill for many of the crusades which the Castellans have launched.

 

Perhaps change 'orbits around Tor' to 'orbits the planet of Tor' or something along those lines.

 

Again, you mention 'the black waters' without telling the reader which black waters you're on about. Perhaps 'The third company have trained in the depths of Ptolomaea's black oceans for centuries, and have become adept at aquatic warfare. Although a rare style of warfare...'

 

Located near the 3rd company are the 5th company, which are stationed on the feudal world of Edessa, which is close to half-way between Telluria and Saint Ascalon. Acting as the central point of the Castellan line, they have a vast library inside their fort where most of the chapter’s Librarians learn their sacred art. Edessa is covered in dense forest where lords rule over the common farmers.

 

The 'located near the third are the fifth' rankles a little. If these way-forts are being described in the order that the pilgrims travel through them, you could simply say something like 'The next stop/way-fort is...'

 

The honoured duty of being stationed on the moon, Tolbard, which orbits Saint Ascalon, is granted to the 6th company. The moon has not atmosphere for life, but fully orbits the planet once every three days so provides the perfect station of defence. It is covered in tracking devices which help locate any enemy forces entering the system. Its planetary defence systems have been fired many times at closing foes, and never have any of these landed of Saint Ascalon. The 6th company have a larger number of ordinance weapons than their Castellan brothers, but still keep to the same Combat Doctrine.

 

I would again suggest that you arrange the way-forts in the order that the pilgrims travel through them, because it makes it easier to read, and gives the reader an idea of the hardships the pilgrims endure.

 

How did the sixth company gain the honour?

 

'No' atmosphere, not 'not' atmosphere.

 

Perhaps 'their Castellan brothers' should be changed to 'the other companies'. By saying Castellan brothers', it intimates that the sixth company aren't Castellans.

 

Located three planets out from Saint Ascalon lies the artic world Scheshasch, which acts as the main reserve force when ever Saint Ascalon is under threat. The 8th company’s headquarters are located upon Scheshasch. Scheshasch has been attacked numerous times as attackers fear the defences of Tolbard. The 8th company have taken the brunt of many advances into the system, and have one of the highest mortality rates of the eight chapters.

 

'When ever' suggests that Ascalon is regularly under threat - it's a little odd because Ascalon's not actually had any enemies land on its' surface. Perhaps 'when ever' could be changed to something like 'should Saint Ascalon ever be attacked.'

 

You say 'chapter' rather than 'company' at the end of this paragraph, also.

 

It does strike me that there would be earlier lines of defenses than this one planet (which given interstellar navigation, would be fairly easy to circumvent). What I'm trying to say is that I consider that other companies would likely take more of a battering.

 

Between the 8th company and 5th company lie the 7th company, who are stationed on the death world Antenora. A planet with no human life, but several large beasts which roam the dense forests. Antenora is located in an extremely advantageous aggressive position, jutting out of the pilgrim route towards a deep area of unknown territory. Often, Antenora is the last safe port for any crusades leaving the safety of the Castellan’s path.

 

Is 'The Castellan's Path' the name of the pilgrimage route? I like it very much. Consider mentioning it earlier.

 

This leaves the 2nd company the sacred duty of defending the home world, and great pride is held in each member of the company. They are known to be even more stubborn than their brethren and unnervingly stalk the enemy. Each of the companies is also responsible for between three and eight lesser way forts which can be used to refuel, rearm and help defend the route.

 

The way you say 'leave' makes it sound like it's not that great a duty. But then the next sentence changes that perception. Is a clarification in order here?

 

Some of your sentences do seem odd though. The chapter seems to be terribly static apart from when it's crusading - and yet the marines that are guarding the homeworld (who would seem to be the most static of them all) 'unnervingly stalk the enemy'?

 

Perhaps the mention that each company is also responsible for the lesser way-forts should be mentioned earlier in this section.

 

Also, be careful of your sentence structure. The way-forts are used to refuel and rearm the route? Or ships on the route?

 

Combat Doctrine

 

The Castellans spend a majority of the time fighting aboard ships, so over time their tactics have evolved to maximise their effectiveness in these situations. They have forgone the use of blast weapons, and have mastered the use of shorter ranged multiple fire weapons such as the Heavy Bolter and the Assault Cannon. Squads also often carry a meltagun, or the larger multi-melta, to help cut through the thick adamantine doors which litter a ships passage ways. This weapon use has found its way to the ground base forces and similar weapons are used. Although ground forces take advantage of the forts which they defend and use large amounts of artillery and large calibre guns such as the Vindicator.

 

'Blast weapons'? Such as a flamer, or shotgun? Both of which I imagine would be useful. You might need to clarify. Perhaps change 'multiple-fire' to 'rapid-firing' (which needn't refer to the table-top rapid fire stat.)

 

A door doesn't 'litter' a passageway. Obstruct, yes, litter, no.

 

Why have melta-weapons been given to 'ground-base' (ground-based?) forces? There's no doors littering there, are there? I guess you're not talking about melta-weapons, but rather about their tactics as a whole. So perhaps use 'this strategy', 'these tactics' or something along those lines.

 

'Although ground forces...' could probably do without the 'although'.

 

The Vindicator isn't a large-calibre gun. It has a large-calibre gun, but that's not quite the same thing.

 

While boarding ships, it is usually the marines armoured in the larger Tactical Dreadnought armour lead the assault carrying guns capable of opening large sections of a ship’s hide for the Castellans to use as a beach head. Assault Marines sweep down the corridors clearing the way for Devastator squads to set up fire bases to hold that section of the ship. Inch by Inch, the Castellans will take a ship never retreating or giving ground. Every Castellan must be slaughtered for them not to take a ship they have boarded.

 

Perhaps 'The chapter's terminator-armoured veterans spearhead boarding actions; they are equally capable leading assaults and offering supporting fire. Relying upon the Emperor's benevolence, and the unique protection of Tactical Dreadnought armour, the Terminators are utilised to secure and hold a beach-head.'

 

The second 'inch' shouldn't be capitalised.

 

Comma after 'take a ship'. Also, the next sentence has 'take a ship'. Perhaps just delete the second sentence, it's not needed.

 

Similarly when defending their ship’s, every inch taken will cost the invader many lives as the Castellans set up fire lanes and deadly cross-fire traps which tear into the invaders army. Each Castellan ship is built to be defended to the last man, and each brother knows every single defensive position on their ship. Each corridor can easily become a defensive bunker, swept with cross-fire or easily guarded by a single man. A squad can easily secure and hold a large portion of ship, while attackers have to deal with a maze of corridors where every corner is a trap.

 

'Ship's' shouldn't have an apostrophe. A comma after 'similarly'. Because you mention 'the invader' first, it seems that you're talking about an invader's ship in the first sentence. Apostrophe in 'invaders army'.

 

You use 'easily' too many times in this paragraph. 'Each corridor' could perhaps be 'A corridor can...'

 

Perhaps remove 'of corridors' from 'a maze of corridors'. Make some reference to a labyrinth?

 

Organisation

 

While the basics of the Castellans organisation is based upon the holy Codex Astartes, but they have diverted away from its teachings due to their specialised role within the defence of the Imperium. They lack the reserve companies that other chapters used to train their new battle brothers. Each company has its own reserve section, which spends its life stationed upon the Way Fort connected to the company. Training is mainly down in the surrounding environments, but they are often called upon to defend local planets where lesser way forts lie. Marines then advance into the Space Bourne detachment of the company, and finally into the Tactical Dreadnought Armour clad Veteran Company.

 

Apostrophe at the end of 'Castellans'. No 'but' needed in 'but they...'. '...that other chapters used...' should be '...that other chapters use...'.

 

Don't say 'spends its life' because that suggests they never actually fight.

 

'is mainly down in' could simply be 'is held in'

 

'Space-bourne' should be 'Space-borne'.

 

Change '...Tactical Dreadnought Armour clad Veteran Company' to 'Veteran Company'.

 

Both detachments are led by a Lieutenant, a rank dating back to the great Legions before the heresy. These Lieutenants’s pick the best of their men to form the command section of each detachment, with their own personal banner and champion. Each detachment has a total of six squads, three of which are tactical squads. Then there is one Assault squad, Devastator squad and Command squad. These marines fill the specialised roles that the detachment requires, and also men any Bike’s or Land Speeder’s which the detachment wishes to deploy.

 

You're talking about both detachments after you've just been talking about Terminators. Perhaps save the terminators for the end of the section?

 

You don't explain at all why the Castellans have Lieutenants. Yes, they date back to before the heresy. So do Marines with Lasguns.

 

'Lieutenants's' should be 'Lieutenants'.

 

'Also men' should be 'also man'.

 

Each company also has an armoured detachment which is assigned to the Company Captain’s command. This detachment consists of enough Armoured Personnel Carriers for every squad, with an additional Land Raider for the Captain’s squad. It contains the armoured tanks which roam the battlefield, these are mainly split between the two detachments unevenly, with the tanks either being placed for planet warfare or ship warfare. Finally, the Bikes and Land Speeders are also placed in the armoured detachment so can receive the attention of the Tech-marines and their serfs.

 

'..roam the battlefield,' should end in a full stop.

 

'...armoured detachment so can receive' should read '...armoured detachment so they can receive'

 

Another noticeable difference between a codex army and the Castellans is the lack of a scout company; the Castellans only have eight full companies, and the smaller veteran company. Scout squads are placed individual on each major way fort, gaining experience as they move from one way fort to another. The new recruits join one of the pilgrim ships passing Telluria heading towards Saint Ascalon. Their first challenge is to survive the trip which is often hazardous; working together is the only way they will all survive. Upon reaching Saint Ascalon, they spend eight weeks in prayer, before being stationed Tolbard. They spend a year upon each Way-Fort, until returning to Telluria where they receive their Black carapace.

 

Perhaps 'notable' instead of 'noticeable'?

 

Also, you're letting 40k table-top terms slip into the fluff. 'Codex' armies should be 'Codex-adherent' or something similar, just to make it a little more distinct.

 

'Placed individual' makes no sense'.

 

Comma after 'survive the trip'.

 

'stationed Tolbard' should be 'stationed at Tolbard's way-fort'.

 

Beliefs

 

Even before the Age of Apostasy, the Castellans where more in-line with the Ecclesiarchalry compared to most of the other Adeptus Astartes chapters. The events of the Apostasy changed the chapter; their belief’s becoming more extreme and having increasing ties with the Ecclesiarchalry. The Castellans see the Emperor as a god, who gave his life in a time of crisis so all the Imperium could be saved from the hell of Chaos. Their zealousness gives them an unnerving presence on the battle field, striding unflinching into the enemy. As they march, they pray to the Emperor to protect them, to shield them from the enemy’s wrath.

 

'Were', not 'where'. Why? Why were the Castellans more in-line with Imperial Creed?

 

That sentence ought to be re-written:

 

'The events of the Age of Apostasy changed the chapter; they became more extreme and formed closer ties with the Ecclesiarchy.'

 

'Zealousness' ought to be 'Zealotry'.

 

They still hold the values past down from within the gene-seed of Rogal Dorn. Honour, Justice and Truth are important in the Castellans beliefs, but faith over rules them all. As long as you have faith, honour, justice and truth follow. They hold the pilgrims in high regard for their journey they have chosen to take, due to it being long and hard, and quiet frequently their final journey. The Castellans hold faith in such high regard that their ranks are filled with Chaplains; every leader has some training from the higher Masters of Faith. The Chaplains push their battle-brothers forward, keeping them going after wounds which would stop lesser Marines. Their faith holds them.

 

This is the first time that you've mentioned that they're Imperial Fists successors. Is it important? Especially with the Gene-seed section coming up?

 

'Castellans beliefs' could be better expressed as 'Castellans' belief system'.

 

'over rules' could be 'out-weighs'.

 

'As long as you have faith, honour, justice and truth follow.' Look at it. It's an odd sentence. What is it that faith, honour, justice and truth are following?

 

Perhaps consider 'Honour, justice and truth are all valued by the Castellans. The root of these virtues, they teach, is faith.'

 

Gene-seed

 

The Imperial Castellans draw their heritage from Rogal Dorn and the Imperial Fists; their gеnе-seed is second only in stability and purity to that of the Ultramarines. The Castellans have never exhibited any obvious signs of mutation. While the Imperial Fists have lost the use of several organs, the Castellans still have the full compliment of systems. Honouring the blood of Dorn, their faith holds them in dire situations.

 

If you have Imperial Fist gene-seed, you won't have your Betcher's Gland and Sus-an Membrane. Fact of life. :(

 

That's two sections you've ended in 'their faith holds them'. Perhaps an alternative?

 

Battle-cry

 

“Faith is Our Shield”

 

 

Hope it helps. ^_^

Edited April 8, 2006 by Commissar Molotov

[Tubal]

You're worse than the language teachers back in highschool :cry:

Not that there's anything wrong with that, and the advice seems sound as far as I can tell.

[Commissar Molotov]

Not all of it is needless pedantry. Some of it is fluff advice and questions too.

 

Does it help if I tell you that I'm studying to become an English teacher? :cry:

[Tubal]

I don't know about "help", but it sure explains some things :cry:

[Ferrata]

Thanks for all the advice Molotov, I'll read through it all in the morning and sort it out. I would say its not that bad for a Science student :P

 

Ferrata