Bix

Far from being an expert on the twisted ways of the ruinous powers :) I'll keep my C&C fairly general. I like The Paragons as a Chapter name, particularly ironic because of the fall from grace. Not familiar with the term Macro-Killer, I assume it means he slaughters millions, but it dragged me right out of the narrative. But perhaps that’s just my unfamiliarity with it. As has already been identified there are quite a lot of sentences that appear clipped and more like a string of statements, but you're working on that so I'll say no more and a full grammar sweep can wait until your vision is more fully realised. I think your timeline is a little off with regards the Sororitas, I don't think Sebastian Thor formed the Orders Militant until early M36. Though you may want to double check that, I've been away from 40k for a long while and it may have been retconned since then. Very much liking the base in The Storms of Judgment (even if that does make us galactic neighbors) the descriptions are fittingly nightmarish and bloody. Spookily enough my original name for my Chapters home system was The Dominions; we're obviously tuned into the same inspiration channel. :P I also like the theme of your renegades being cold calculated precision mass murderers, with the Berserkers as a kind of expendable Death Company to be thrown into the breach. You are almost like an evil twin to my Blood Drinkers. Hope it’s of some help, keep up the good work, you are founding a fitting enemy for the loyal forces of the Segmentum Tempestus.