Son of Doom

[Brother Cambrius]

Hello everyone,

 

At the moment I have plenty of freetime on my hands and so I'm trying to write up a story on my DIY chapter, the Sons of Doom. This is the first section I've written up about a guardsmen's encouter with the chapter.

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Sons of Doom

 

Sergeant Kew opened his eyes weakly and looked around what was once his quarters, there was dust everywhere and it was almost completely dark, apart from a slit of light shining through a crack in the wall above where he lay injured. He tried to get up, only to be taken down again by the severe pain in what was left of his left arm and foot, shredded by a frag grenade. He tried to listen to see if the raging battle above him was over. All he could hear was silence. A very lonely silence. He looked around the room to see what was left of his quarters. The entire left wall had caved in from a blast from a missile, blocking his one way out. Kew was trapped.

 

He tried shouting out for help. There was no answer. He tried again but still no answer. He looked around the room again to see if there was any other escape route. He looked up along the severely cracked and crumbled roof but he knew he couldn

Edited June 29, 2008 by Brother Cambrius

[retlaw83]

From my understanding of how space marines operate, if Kew was in a unit of cowards, he would be branded a coward for being with them unless he had done something extraordinary previously. I'd imagine if he was just some unremarkable wounded man, the space marines would give him the "gift of the Emperor's mercy" and slit his throat.

 

Also, how does he recognize the chapter's insignia on the fallen marine so easily? Most people in the Imperium go their whole lives without even seeing a picture of a space marine, let alone being able to recognize their chapters; this is why Alpha Legion has great success passing itself off as a group of loyalist marines when they have to go to various planets on whatever business it is they do. If Kew has had previous experience with these space marines, even if it's just seeing a thunderhawk blast overhead and someone tells him it belongs to the Sons, that'll work. You should probably also drop the 412th designation; what number a chapter is doesn't matter to anyone but the chapter.

 

There are typos and stuff, but those can be fixed easily. One phrase, though, struck me:

 

"... if his body hadn’t been so mangled by the debris battle above him."

 

Debris is junk - like pieces of buildings and whatnot - created by fighting. It would be like saying, "the chunks-of-rock battle above him."

 

Sorry if I come off as a jerk, but you asked for input I tend towards brutal honesty.

[Brother Cambrius]

No, you didn't come off as a jerk. Thanks for showing me some of the errors of my work. I appreciate it.

 

I've edited it to make it look more convincing. Is it any better?

 

Cambrius

[chaptermaster13]

i like it. part from what retlaw pointed out, i can't see anything wrong with it. is there gonna be any more?

 

Ben

[Brother Cambrius]

Thanks Chaptermaster13,

 

I've fixed some more typos and have tweaked it here and there and i've added a link to my chapter's info. Does it sound any better?

 

More maybe coming soon when I get some inspiration from somewhere. I haven't even played a game yet with my Marines. I'll be starting in two weeks time when my squads are ready to face the archenemy of the Sons of Doom, the Tyranids.

 

Cambrius

Edited June 8, 2007 by Brother Cambrius

[Undertaker]

Good story :yes:

[Brother Cambrius]

Thanx. :yes:

 

Cambrius

[Brother Cambrius]

Here's chapter two of the story:

 

Sons of Doom - Chapter 2

 

Sergeant Helias placed Kew on a stretcher in the Thunderhawk and looked down upon the Guardsman’s injured body and thought back with a sigh, to when Kew had saved his life 2 years ago in the defence of their system.

 

Thunderhawks roared past Helias as he rolled across the savannah plains of Targost in his Rhino with the rest of his squad. He knew what was approaching soon. He knew that he might not live to see the next sunrise. He looked around the confines on the Rhino where the rest of his squad sat, fully armoured and loaded, apart from their helms he looked upon their faces and he knew that some were not going to make it. He sighed and looked down to his leg, where his bolt pistol lay in its holster. He took it out and loaded and then reloaded again, just to make sure it wouldn’t jam when he needed it most against the foe he’s about to meet. They were going to face the horror of the Tyranids.

 

The driver of the Rhino shouted down below to Helias “We’re disembarking in one minute sir, get ready.” Helias nodded and shouted back over the sound of the engine, “Thank you Deremus, can you see them yet?”

“No sir,” Deremus replied “we’re going up a dune at the moment and the background radiation here's messing with my equipment. Wait, what’s that, I think they’re AAAARRRGH!” Deremus screamed as claws and ravenous teeth pierced the armour where he drove and pulled him out head first, devouring half of his body as he went. The Tyranids have already begun the battle.

 

With lightning reflexes, Helias barked, “Brothers disembark now and incinerate these filth for their temerity!” Immediately the squad disembarked very quickly with their bolters and flamers blazing, taking out 20 termagants instantaneously with no casualties at all. Helias raced off the ramp headlong, chainsword raised and ready, into the hellish mess of the ensuing battle. There were screams of orders over the vox and also screams of pain, as his battle brothers fell to the horror and destruction of the ‘Nids. In quick succession, Helias cut down three ‘Gaunts in one slice of his sword and he blasted some rounds into the face of another. A shot of flame incinerated another ten from his Brother Freys but all to no avail, as more and more climbed over the bodies of the fallen xenos.

 

Helias shouted over his vox as he cut down more ‘Gaunts, “Fifth company. This is Sergeant Helias of second squad. Require reinforcements immediately! Do you copy over?” All he heard was silence apart from the screaming voices of friend and foe alike falling from their injuries. Helias looked around as he blasted some more Tyranids away with his pistol. No reinforcements, half of his squad had already fallen. But only for things to get worse, over the brow of the dune, a Carnifex roared and sped down the dune straight at Helias and what was left of his squad, knocking everything out of it’s way. Regardless of friend or foe. Helias rallied his remaining squad together and charged towards the Carnifex, throwing krak grenades as they went, but nothing could stop the towering foe.

 

Suddenly, as the Carnifex reared up to attack, a barrage of missiles brought him down and the Termagants looked around, confused by what just happened, Helias saw his chance, with a blood curdling roar of the chapter's battlecry "AVENGE OUR FALLEN!" he and what was left of his squad charged at the remaining Termagants and took them down with ease, with the rest retreating.

 

Helias looked down the dune on which he’d just fought and he saw an entire battle-force of Imperial Guard and a squad of Astartes with them. As the two units met, the rather young and inexperienced Colonel of the Imperial Guard said "You were very lucky not to get eaten alive there. Kew come here front and centre!" Helias looked down upon an imperial sergeant holding a smoking missile launcher in his right arm. “This is sergeant Jacob Kew, leader of my missile squad, were it not for him you’d still be fighting that Carnifex up there.” Unfortunately, the Colonel was inexperienced with Astartes and expected Helias to thank Kew.

 

Helias wasn't pleased as he stared coldly down at the guardsmen. The young sergeant shifted uneasily under the Marines' piercing stares and mumbled, “I was just doing my duty sir.” Helias looked down at the guardsmen and said "We didn't need your help sergeant, but thank you anyway. And no colonel, we weren't lucky, we're expected to do this every day." Kew said quietly under his breath, "Better me than you sir." but he forgot about the superb hearing an Astartes has. "And that's why Guardsmen, you'll never be an Astartes." Kew grimaced, made the sign of the Aquila and he grumbled under his breath, "Your welcome sir." before returning back to his squad. He didn't realise though that Sergeant Helias had heard that also. Helias fought the urge to break the puny guardsmen's neck and he made the sign of the Aquila to the Colonel who was very confused at what had just happened. Helias trudged back to his squad to reinforce with his brethren in the Thunderhawks that had just landed nearby.

 

Sergeant Helias couldn’t believe that this haggard, injured guardsman was the same man he looked down upon two years ago. He rested Kew down upon the seats in the Thunderhawk and they blasted off back to the fleet and to the ship “Scythe of Auton.”

 

 

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How does this sound? Comments apprecited

 

Cambrius

Edited January 18, 2008 by Brother Cambrius

[Sugrjunke7]

---- This is for Chapter 1 ---- I'll get back to chapter 2 later

 

I have some qualms with this... lets start with this: If he's a soldier, he has a rank. He wouldn't be Kew, he would Private Kew, Corporal Kew, something like that. It sets the tone from the out-start.

 

Secondly, I'll quote, then make a suggestion, and why. "He tried to get up but only to be taken down again by the severe pain in what was his left arm and foot, shredded a krak grenade." This sentence, is garage. How about, 'He tried to get up, only to be taken down again by the severe pain in what was left of his left arm and food, shredded by a krak grenade." Punctuation was missing to separate a natural pause in speech that was missing in how it was written, so it was hard to understand. It increases the amount of damage that is there, also, if it was shredded, he wouldn't have use of them, and they would be bleeding terribly, he could probably use a tourniquet. I also added in that the krak shredded him, you could also change 'krak grenade' to just 'Krak.' Guardsmen use tons of slang. Your sentence made it seem as though his leg shredded a krak. ;)

 

Thirdly, you suffer from this a lot, in literary works, it's bad, too much detail where it detracts. It shouldn't be "15 ft". Did he measure that? How the heck does he know it's exactly 15 feet? :huh: Go with something such as "it had to be at least 15 feet high." It conveys 'hey, that's pretty high' and, the guy can eyeball 'at least 15 feet.' Also, don't abbreviate the unit of measure. You don't say "ft " the noise do you? No, you pronounce it "feet" so, spell it out! :P

 

Fourthly, I'll agree, how the heck does he know what the demigod is? Most normal humans look on Astartes like they're gods, or demi-gods. Some planets actually worship chapters as gods. This guy, he shrugs it off like it's the paperboy. He might have some vague knowledge, but, even those that have seen them in the past, are always awed at them. I mean, say for people like Colonels of the IG who can request a chapter's aid... even then, they're super humble, and love-y and and afraid :wub: they do as they say, as though their words are the Emperor's. This guy even knows what a reductor is?! :P

 

Fifthly... and this is my last notion... for now... Space Marines are insanely formal, they don't refer to each other as "my dearest." They use ranks, Brother X, Sergeant Y, Corporal Z, Chapter Master W, or just 'Sir.'

 

Six of all, OK, so I lied. How in the world, did a lowly human manage to save a guy that's considered a super human? Did he carry him out of a burning building then go back save the Marine's kitten too? Guardsmen are thrown at objectives, they are expected to die. They deploy regiments, "Colonel, take your regiment and take that town, don't come back." If an Astartes dies, holy crap. I mean, there will be maybe 30 - 40 Marines on a Crusade! With about 1,000+ Imperial Guard regiments. Think the numbers are skewed for a reason? That's because it's that hard to kill a marine. I mean, these guys can lose half of their skull, everything below their rib cage, an arm, and the other hand... and survive. But a Guardsman saved one? :teehee:

 

You might want to humble the human a bit.

Edited June 11, 2007 by Sugrjunke7

[Brother Cambrius]

All of your questions are answered in chapter 2 Sugrjunke7. (Well, most of them, :evil:)

 

I've tweaked a few things in the first chapter, there's probably many mistakes in the second chapter as well.

 

Cambrius

[BlackRaptor93]

NOOO! CARNIFEX!

 

 

(I'm a loyal Tyranid player aswell...)

 

 

Awesome story, as always, Good description, awesome Marines (as always)

 

 

Hope to see more,

 

DCFIMH

 

BlackRaptor93

[Sugrjunke7]

Emblazoned means something more akin to 'painted, or scribed.' The Aquila on the Astartes chest plate isn't painted, it is part of the armor, just like the rest of it.

 

If it was his house.... he would be on a PDF, a Planetary Defense Force. In addition, about 99.999999% of all people in the Imperium, don't live in houses. They live in housing districts. Think gothic skyscrapers, with about 1-2 Million people in each one =p

 

I still think that Kew should be more humble around Marines...

 

On to chapter 2....

 

A driver wouldn't yell down to someone in the back of his Rhino, he's yell back to them, they sit on the same plane.

 

The Rhino would have picked up the Nid's before they were inside... they have Auspex type equipment mounted on vehicles. As well as communications equipment.

 

Space Marines don't use Vox's. Their commo equipment is built into their bodies and armor.

 

No one, would ever demand a thank you from a Marine. No one would ever demand anything of a Marine, unless he is the Marine's superior commander.

 

 

But, chapter 2 shaped up a lot better than chapter 1.

[Brother Cambrius]

More things have been edited and tweaked, thanks for the tips. :)

 

I've been reading the HH books for the past month and I'm getting some ideas from there including the vox, I thought it was another term for comms.

 

Cambrius

Edited June 12, 2007 by Brother Cambrius

[Brother Cambrius]

Here's chapter 3 of the story,

 

 

Kew opened his eyes wearily from his deep sleep as he tried to remember the dream he’d just had. “It was back on that planet where I saved that Astartes sergeant and his squad two years ago.” He thought. He looked around at his new surroundings as he lay in his hospital bed. All of the walls were tiled and there were pieces of medical equipment everywhere, including a narthecium on the desk opposite himself. Kew turned around to see who else was here with him, healing from their maladies. He couldn't see anyone though because they were curtained off, so he looked down to see what had happened to his severely injured arm and foot, only to find that they weren’t there. He yelped in shock. “Ah, good to see your up sergeant.” said the Apothecary Gamrix.

 

“Wha-what happened to my body?” asked Kew in a trembling voice. “Your arms and foot were beyond repair. They had to be amputated if you wanted to continue to live,” Replied Gamrix in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, “We’re arranging to give you a bionic arm and leg, we’ll be operating shortly.” Kew started shaking uncontrollably in fear of what may come. “Bionics? Does that mean your turning me into a servitor?” he asked. “No sergeant, we’re not,” replied Gamrix, Kew breathed a sigh of relief. “If we were going to convert you into a servitor you would not have been resuscitated two days ago.” “Resuscitate me?” inquired Kew. “Yes resuscitate you.” Answered Gamrix impatiently, “But first, we have some business to discuss.”

 

The door behind the Apothecary slid open with a hiss of pneumatics and a burly astartes in full plated armour walked through. “Ah, Captain Amorphus. He’s in here.” Said Apothecary Gamrix as he saluted his commander. Kew raised his head and was shocked to see the fifth company’s captain Amorphus, to be standing there. “Sergeant Kew I presume then.” Asked the captain in a commanding, deep voice. Kew couldn’t believe it, Captain Amorphus; the swift Astartes of death and respect is here to see him. The elite captain, who fought in the Erdavus system and at the siege of Jarkesh wished to talk to this humble, injured mortal. “Ye-yes sir.” Stammered Kew, in awe of the captain’s brilliance and respect. “Why have you come to see me sir? I’m just an Imperial Guardsman; you’re an Astartes captain with many honours after your name. I’m just an injured mortal. Also sir, I would make the sign of the Aquila, but my arm's missing.” The Captain looked at him with his piercing, green eyes and smiled. He answered, “Yes sergeant, but I’m not the only one who has such honours after his name.” Amorphus clicked his fingers and a servitor floated in through the ward with a bottle of vintage wine on its tray and two goblets made of bronze. The Apothecary was taken aback by this and said “Sir, wine is not the best beverage to give a patient if he’s about to go under surgery-”

“Nonsense!” cut in the captain, “A little wine never hurt anyone.” He poured out the wine into the two goblets. “Now drink up sergeant, we have things to discuss.” Kew gazed at the captain in disbelief at being able to drink with the captain and weakly, with his sole remaining arm, he lifted up the goblet and drank some of the sweet tasting drink and lied back to hear what the Captain had to say.

 

 

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How does it sound? Chapter 4 coming soon.

 

Cambrius

Edited January 18, 2008 by Brother Cambrius

[BlackRaptor93]

Love it, as always, Keep up the work!

 

Hope to see your next Chapter,

 

BlackRaptor93

[Sugrjunke7]

You still have "his former house listed in chapter 1" ;)

 

Still have a few of the major qualms of mine in there, but, hey it's your story. However, an Imperial Guardsman would never demand that of a Space Marine, 'inexperienced' or not. That's like saying some back-woods mayor in the US would go to NATO and demand they send troops to his town, just because he's never been to NATO before, doesn't mean that dumb enough to do something that incredibly stupid. The Space Marines might have killed him outright. Everyone short of AdMech, and =][= are deathly afraid of Marines, well, even then, AdMech and =][= still aren't cocky, they're afraid, just, not as much :P

 

The name of the ship, Malevolent Spirit? That is something in a negative connotation. Everything in Imperial Gothic, such as ships, are named grandly. Emperor's Will, The Sword of Divine Retribution, holy, gaudy, and cocky. Never towards ill or dark, that is a sign of the Taint.

 

On to destroy Chapter 3, much few qualms with this, a few things though.

1. Marines don't use glasses, think Roman or a Norse Feast, big drinking tankards, even for wine ;)

2. I don't like the feel that the SGT saved a Marine, the Marine sees death as a just an end. He may have helped the Marine, but, he didn't save him. Same result, different emotional state, know what I mean?

3. Spaces Marines aren't medically similar to humans. By this, I mean, in the way they practice medicine. It's very crude, and ritualized, and has a lot of drugs, when they are possible for use. The rooms of their med bays are not clean, surgical, steel, or white. If you look in... argh... the location eludes me, I believe it's an older version of the Codex, and also, check the UK GW Site, under "The Making of a Space Marine" or something to that effect, you can see what I mean. It looks like a torture chamber. That's a why a lot of aspirants die, bad medical procedures, a lot of information is lost, it's just all ritual now.

 

I assume you mean to make him into an Aspirant? That would be the right way of doing it, he has proven himself, and done a lot in his life. Keep in mind, most Aspirants die, check out the Ragnar Blackmane series of books. He was one of hundreds. Also, where the heck does the straw come from?

 

Servitors, are failed aspirants. Just in case you didn't know as well. I'm sure Kew doesn't know that. :lol:

 

 

That's it, I like chapter 3 the best so far. But, I might suggest going back and re-reading your other ones, to stream line it. Each step is more defined, and obviously the next step, so, you could probably clean up the past steps.

 

Looking forward to reading more.

[Brother Cambrius]

More will come tomorrow my friend, now it's off to editing again.

 

Cambrius

Edited June 12, 2007 by Brother Cambrius

[Sugrjunke7]

So be it, I'll check back in tomorrow on it.

[Brother Cambrius]

Unfortunately, I'm absolutely knackered from my Science exam this morning so no chapter until later this week. :(

 

Thanks for all of the comments and tips so far guys. :)

 

Cambrius

[Undertaker]

I like them all. :)

You're good at coming up with names,unlike me! :tu:

[Brother Cambrius]

@ Undertaker - most of my names are geological types of rock and minerals. Not very inspiring I know but Helias and Gamrix are completely nmaes from my head. :unsure:

 

Cambrius

[Brother Cambrius]

After a long long time, chapter 4 is here! ;)

 

Chapter 4

 

“Now then sergeant, let’s start at the beginning, when you were born on Auton like myself. You were a warrior of the Silurian clan and were a supreme leader in combat against other clans at only the age of 13. When we came every year to take new initiates away you were grievously ill and it was presumed that you were to die within a few weeks.”

Kew winced at the memory of him being strapped to a bed whilst convulsing uncontrollably as he went through the stages of the Hereman Disease. He was so close to becoming an Astartes were it not for him to have been bitten by the reptiles that swarmed across the fiery planet of Auton.

Amorphus continued, “But you proved your strength and resilience by fighting the disease for a further two years and you were once again fit to walk and fight for the Imperium, but you were passed the age of becoming an Astartes, so you joined the Autonian 44th Armoured Regiment where you soon became a sergeant.”

 

Kew nodded and remembered the training that was given to him by his drill sergeant and the constant amount of times he was forced to run laps around the compound for the reason that the sergeant “Didn’t like him.”

“You then fought on three campaigns alongside my chapter against the horror of the Tyranids and lived through all three with many honours, including the saving of my squad sergeant, Helias.”

Kew simply nodded again and took a drink of the fruity wine, he then replied “He wasn’t all that pleased about it Captain.”

Amorphus laughed, “Ah that’s Helias for you, arrogant bastard he is.”

Kew looked up in shock at the language the Captain used and waited for Amorphous to continue telling him his life story.

 

“After that, you’ve fought against many foes, including the Orks who did this to you,” Amorphous pointed at the mangled wreck of Kew’s body, “and then we come to this campaign where you’ve truly shown your courage by charging at an Ork Dreadnought and destroying it with a well placed grenade and lasgun shot. Only for you to be hit by friendly fire from another grenade leaving you like this.”

Kew drank some more of the wine again and moved little to his discomfort so he could listen to the Captain more clearly.

 

“Sergeant Kew, you’re a very unique soldier, we’ve had Apothecary Gamrix observe your body to the most minute scale and have found that you have extremely high testosterone levels from the recovery of your illness all those years ago. Now tell me Kew, why do you think you are here?”

Kew thought to himself and answered, “Because I was lucky sir. Had that squad of Astartes not found me in that ruin I would certainly be dead now.”

Amorphous smiled and said “Guess again sergeant, why are you in an Astartes’ Apothecary, being treated not by medics but by Apothecaries and servitors?” He then flicked his eyes toward Gamrix who had been sitting in the shadows waiting for the conversation to end. Gamrix nodded and moved towards the nearest cubicle that was curtained off and pulled them away, showing the body of an augmented teenager.

 

Kew then suddenly realised what was going to happen, he looked up at Captain Amorphus and said in disbelief “Sir, I’m not worthy of that.” Amorphous looked at him and grinned his toothy grin and answered,

“Oh but you are Kew, this should have happened a long time ago but you were unlucky. But that illness has given you the second chance of becoming a Son of Doom. Your extremely high testosterone levels can give us the opportunity to become ascended to an Astartes. You are but of a very few. Congratulations Kew.”

 

And with that, Kew felt a sharp pain in his arm where Apothecary Gamrix had just placed a needle in Kew’s arm from his Narthecium. Kew felt his world spin and fade away as he was carted off to the surgery room to begin his ascension to a Son of Doom.

 

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How was that chapter? Comments and critique appreciated by all.

 

Cambrius

Edited January 18, 2008 by Brother Cambrius

[Brother Cambrius]

I guess this has taken's no-one's interest then? :angry:

 

Cambrius

Edited November 4, 2007 by Brother Cambrius

[Ferrus Manus]

wow, i love it. Please write more i want to find out what happens to Kew!

[Brother Barkus]

Hey just keep on writing, sooner or later some one will look or comment and I would like to read what happens to Kew.