The Heralds of Light

[Ferrus Manus]

I like it, just that it should be Abaddon's Black Crusade in the first line.

[Octavulg]

The Spider Robinson treatment (someone was listening...amazing) is basically "cut that word count like it ain't no thing".

 

Your IA is currently...3600 words, more or less. Not that long, but let's see if it uses that length well.

 

It is the Heralds who stand valiantly against the traitor hordes from within the Eye before reinforcments can arrive,

 

I would assume you mean 'until', rather than 'before'.

 

On the first day of the thirty-second millennium, the historical third Adeptus Astartes founding was initiated. The Heresy was over, but the wounds inflicted by Horus’ betrayal were deep and the Imperium was still struggling. Orks and Eldar pirates were terrorizing imperial worlds, and Abaddon the Despoiler had recently launched his first Black Crusade from the Eye of Terror. Catching the Imperium by surprise, it was only by the supreme sacrifice of Rogal Dorn that the Imperial forces were able to stop the unholy crusade. With the advent of the Codex Astartes, the Legions had been broken up into smaller Chapters to prevent something comparable to the Heresy from happening again, but the need for more Astartes was too great to ignore. And so for the first time in history, the High Lords of Terra initiated the founding of completely new Chapters, created with the genetic material of the old Legions.

 

You could easily cut this back to:

On the first day of the thirty-second millenium, the Third Founding took place. Though the Heresy was over, the Imperium still struggled, and so for the first time in history, the High Lords of Terra decreed that a new founding must take place.

 

At the moment, you're telling us stuff we don't need to know, stuff we already know, and stuff that just plain ol' doesn't matter. It distracts from the thrust of the article - which is telling us about your chapter. While my version is obviously rather minimalist, you still might want to pare down a little...

 

Put it this way - you shouldn't be able to cut anything without making the IA less clear.

 

Also, naming your captain Tudor distracts a hell of a lot. Such touches should be subtler.

 

For nearly two centuries their initial crusade raged on before the Heralds finally stumbled upon the world of Luxia; a planet cut off from the rest of the Imperium before the outbreak of the Horus Heresy. This remnant of the Great Crusade was fighting a desperate battle against the dark desciples of Chaos; the Word Bearers. In what is now known as the First Defense of Luxia, the entire Heralds of Light Chapter was deployed on the planet, bolsterering the Luxian city defenses and stubbornly repelling wave after wave of the chaos hordes. The earliest Chapter records describe the battle as nothing short of a bloodbath, with hundreds of Astartes falling on both sides. In the end, the Heralds gained the upper hand and managed to force the traitors off the planet's surface. Although the losses were grievous, the Heralds were victorious and were recognized as heroes and saviours by the Luxian people. Alcaeus was amazed, for after many years of solitude, the Luxian people never stopped believing in the Emperor, and openly welcomed the reunion with the Imperium. He was impressed too, for the people of Luxia had fought bravely, despite their inferior equipment, and they had been fearless in the face of the foul traitors. Alcaeus decided that the world of Luxia would become the Chapter's new Homeworld.

 

Again, could easily be abbreviated (most of the paragraphs could, I'm just showing you with a few examples).

 

After two centuries of crusading, the Heralds stumbled upon the world of Luxia, a planet which had never known the light of the Imperium. Now, the planet was under assault from the Word Bearers. The Heralds of Light could not stand idly by, and the entire chapter was deployed on the planet, bolstering the Luxian defenses and repelling wave after wave of the Chaos hordes. Although losses were grievous, the Heralds were victorious, and hailed as saviours by the Luxian people. Alcaeus was impressed by the Luxian's bravery in the face of a superior foe, and declared that Luxia would be the Heralds' new home world.

 

Points - it seems odd that they were rediscovered and lost again before the Heresy even took place. Luxia is a silly name (sorry). The chapter has all those orbital assets - either mention battle with Word Bearer ships or mention their orbital support. The failure of Space Marines to use their orbital assets annoys me more than I could possibly say.

 

All in all, their quest to find their home world is a little cliched, but it's a formulaic process - not your fault.

 

Those who have witnessed the striking combination of it’s beauty and high functionality, go so far as to compare the Watchtower with the Imperial Palace on Terra.

 

Rogal Dorn, IIRC, built the defenses, not the entire palace. In other words, it should look like a brick. :P

 

Also, that seems a bit lofty a comparision...

 

* * *

 

Nothing worthy of mention happens between the discovery of the home world and the modern day?

 

Also, stick the bit on Morpheus in a sidebar.

 

It's well written (if a bit flowery), and you've evidently put thought and effort in. You should be proud.

 

Now you have to take the fruits of that thought and effort and start pruning.

 

Honestly, it's a lot longer than it needs to be right now. Cut some of the needless exposition/floweriness and you'll likely have a better IA at the end. Then I'll complain about other things! ;)

[Codex Grey]

Thanks for the comments, Octavulg. Sorry for not replying earlier.

 

At the moment, you're telling us stuff we don't need to know, stuff we already know, and stuff that just plain ol' doesn't matter. It distracts from the thrust of the article - which is telling us about your chapter. While my version is obviously rather minimalist, you still might want to pare down a little...

I know, I'm just having a hard time trying to be to the point and at the same time having some bulk to the article not just the bare bones, if you know what I mean. I'll try to cut back a bit, but as you said your version is minimalistic. Stuff like Dorn's last stand is important to the feel of the Chapter and the reason for their creation so I'll keep it, but I'll try to not be so ... wordy.

 

Also, naming your captain Tudor distracts a hell of a lot. Such touches should be subtler

Alright, fine! I'm tired of defending it, consider it gone. :cuss

 

Points - it seems odd that they were rediscovered and lost again before the Heresy even took place. Luxia is a silly name (sorry). The chapter has all those orbital assets - either mention battle with Word Bearer ships or mention their orbital support. The failure of Space Marines to use their orbital assets annoys me more than I could possibly say.

It is supposed to say during the Heresy, though I'm not sure that makes any difference to you. I was under the Impression that when the Heresy started, warp storms became more frequent, and I think there are other examples of worlds conquered during the Great Crusade, lost, then rediscovered after the Heresy.

Luxia... Many things have changed since I first started on this Chapter, but the homeworld's name has alway been Luxia. It has grown on me. and I'm not planing on changing it.

And about the orbital assets, that first battle used to be an entire section of it's own. And now I've cut it down to a single paragraph. I added stuff about ship to ship action and bombardment before cutting it out again, but since it is just a paragraph that briefly explains the magnitude of the battle, I reasoned that people would understand that of course there were wasn't just a ground battle. But I guess I can mention it being a battle on and above the ground.

 

All in all, their quest to find their home world is a little cliched, but it's a formulaic process - not your fault

This have bugged me for a long time, because it's not my fault. I'm considering cutting it down even more as you suggest and then work it into the homeworld section.

Then it's more a 'short explanation of how they discovered their homeworld' instead of the 'cliched story that you see in every other article. I guess when I think about it, the story is not the most important part, but the history of homeworld is(due to how it becomes a extreme contrast to the area they fight in, which is the point I've wanted to get across all along)

 

Rogal Dorn, IIRC, built the defenses, not the entire palace. In other words, it should look like a brick.

You're right, but I still think Dorn had a sence of style and decoration, unlike Perturabo on the other hand. Anyways, I'll reword it.

 

Nothing worthy of mention happens between the discovery of the home world and the modern day?

Of course! They stand guard over the Eye of Terror, Black crusades pour out, the Heralds throw themselves at the Chaos filth screaming 'You shall not pass!', marine after marine die in the name of the Emperor, and when it seems like the entire Chapter will be destroyed, the greater Imperial Defense arrives under the leadership of some first founding Chapter, the Heralds, bruised and battered, are forced to serve as a reserve, giving them time to rebuild, the Imperium finally wins, the first founding Chapter and friends gets all the glory and praise, the Heralds, unsung heroes of the Imperium, returns to stand guard once again until the next Black Crusade, and repeat. Throw in some random battles in the years between every BC and you have yourself a history. I've tried to stress this, but maybe I should stress this evn more?

 

They're like Mike Rowe on Discovery Channel; while other Chapters run around the Galaxy seeking glory and fame, the Heralds have the dirty job of the Imperium, constantly staring into the mouth of Hell.

 

Also, stick the bit on Morpheus in a sidebar.

That sound something I would say :) I was going to add more and more characters over time, but inspiration has failed me lately. Will do.

 

It's well written (if a bit flowery), and you've evidently put thought and effort in. You should be proud.

Thank you. Although, my writing has never been called flowery :) And I'm not excactly sure wht you mean by it but I'll see what I can do.

 

Thanks again.

[Hrvat]

An interesting read which slightly reminded me of one of my own works http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...=107560&hl=

 

Keep up the good work.

 

 

Cheers

 

Hrvat

[Octavulg]

I know, I'm just having a hard time trying to be to the point and at the same time having some bulk to the article not just the bare bones, if you know what I mean. I'll try to cut back a bit, but as you said your version is minimalistic. Stuff like Dorn's last stand is important to the feel of the Chapter and the reason for their creation so I'll keep it, but I'll try to not be so ... wordy.

 

Personally, I found the bare bones made a damn big article. :rolleyes:

 

It is supposed to say during the Heresy, though I'm not sure that makes any difference to you. I was under the Impression that when the Heresy started, warp storms became more frequent, and I think there are other examples of worlds conquered during the Great Crusade, lost, then rediscovered after the Heresy.

 

That makes rather more sense.

 

They're like Mike Rowe on Discovery Channel; while other Chapters run around the Galaxy seeking glory and fame, the Heralds have the dirty job of the Imperium, constantly staring into the mouth of Hell.

 

Mention a few neat missions hunting down Chaos cults or pursuing Raiders who slipped through the gate. Maybe they got a little involved with the Gothic War?

 

Thank you. Although, my writing has never been called flowery smile.gif And I'm not excactly sure wht you mean by it but I'll see what I can do.

 

The mighty Space Marine Captain Malachius, Lord of Farolia and Commander of the Watch, cleaved the traitor's head from his shoulders, an arterial fountain painting the surroundings with the gore of the black-hearted maniac.

 

vs.

 

Captain Malachius cleaved the traitor's head from his shoulders, gore fountaining out.

 

Same effect, same image, lot quicker. Flowery is prettier, but needlessly so. The trick is finding a way to do pretty without the words.

[Marshal Rohr]

The trick is finding a way to do pretty without the words.

 

Thats the holy grail, brother.

[Codex Grey]

Mention a few neat missions hunting down Chaos cults or pursuing Raiders who slipped through the gate. Maybe they got a little involved with the Gothic War?

I'll see what I can do.

 

Same effect, same image, lot quicker.

Got it.

 

The trick is finding a way to do pretty without the words.

 

 

Thats the holy grail, brother.

Heh, indeed.

 

 

In other news (for those who care), I mentioned some colorful additions some time ago. Well, this stuff is done and will soon be ready to spice up the article. Stay tuned in this thread or in the Hall of Honor...

[Codex Grey]

Well, Octavulg, if you are reading this, I've tried to cut some stuff. And I have, though it might not be too obvious. Still, I think the changes has helped tighten up the article. It's probably still over 3000 words, but to be honest i think that's an okay length. And with the now added artwork, cutting more would screw with the visuals. Although, that shouldn't be a reason for not improving, so if you still think there are stuff that should be cut then don't be afraid to let me know.

 

And did I mention the new artwork :)

[Codex Grey]

The second official (seventh or something unofficial) version of this Chapter has finally been updated in the Librarium, and I want to thank everyone who helped me in the development process, you know who you are.

[Codex Grey]

Hi. Remember me? 

 

It's been over 10 years... Time, huh? Forgive me, but I find myself in a bit of a sentimental mood.

 

Due to real life changes and an increasing lack of interest in the 40k universe, I stopped frequenting this forum long ago and I really had no intention to return.

From time to time I would poke my head back in and briefly see what was going on. Rowbootey Gillyman is back? Primaris Marines? What?

The Chapters I had spent years to develop were stored nice and cozy in the Librarium, until the Librarium was lost to the warp, and now I had even more of a reason to not come back.

 

Still, I have fond memories of this place. I remember thinking the B&C was one of the most friendly and inspiring places on the internet and I owe much of the early development of my creative skills to this forum and and its members. So let me take the opportunity to thank everyone who made this place what it was.

 

And for some reason, with some recent free time I poked my head back into the universe and found some inspiration. I also found that this thread was the only thing remaining from my creations. It seems kind of fitting, as the Heralds were all about stubborn survival. So after a couple of days, I've updated the IA with a new spin inspired by the recent changes to the fluff. I've made backups this time!

 

As always any feedback is welcomed. Specifically I'm looking for how this updated version of the Heralds fits with the current lore.

Also, the final section, the Geneseed section, feels like a lackluster ending to the article. Any suggestions as to how I might spruce it up would be nice.

 

 

I'll probably won't frequent these forums as much as I did before, but maybe I'll lurk a bit more. And maybe, just maybe I'll look at restoring my other Chapter from the ashes.

 

PS. If anyone, somehow, has any kind of backup material of my warriors eternal in any form, I would greatly appreciate it.

Edited December 22, 2021 by Codex Grey

[Lysimachus]

The Heralds are a great Chapter, it's awesome to see them back!

 

My first suggestion would be to post them in the Liber Showcase: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/forum/253-liber-showcase/

 

It's what we have instead of the Librarium these days, but we are missing a lot of the really good Chapters from the old days!

 

In terms of making the article work with the new fluff, I like the fact they've been forced to go Fleet based, although I do wonder if they're nearly back up to strength, surely a Crusade to retake their homeworld must be in the offing?

 

Oh, and having all of them successfully cross the Rubicon Primaris feels a bit... unlikely? I know every GW special character has done it, but it's supposed to be quite dangerous?

[Codex Grey]

Thanks!

 

Yes, I've seen the Showcase. Plan is to post it there after sorting out the few little things that bugs me right now. Also working on an Insignium Astartes Appendix which I hope I can include as a second post on that showcase thread.

 

A reclamation crusade is definitely a dream of theirs. I'll add some tiny bits about that and some details around why that might be not as simple.

 

 

Oh, and having all of them successfully cross the Rubicon Primaris feels a bit... unlikely? I know every GW special character has done it, but it's supposed to be quite dangerous?

Tip to new Liberites, always include something so obviously silly that people will have to reply :D

 

Seriously though, I agree it's unlikely, but I was wondering how unlikely. As far as I can see, there is some room for interpretation when it comes to the death rate of the procedure. The Idea was that the hardcore survivors of the Chapter refused to give into the treatment, as a thematically appropriate thing for them to do, but I'll change it to "most survived" or something and hopefully that's enough? 

 

Still having trouble with the Geneseed section though.

[Codex Grey]

So I made some minor changes to the article and think It's ready to submit soon.

I also finished up a brief Insignium Astartes companion article to go along with it.

C&C are welcomed.

 

---

EDIT: Removed from post, can be found in main Showcase Topic, link in sig.

Edited February 28, 2022 by Codex Grey

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Chapter organization is well done.

[Brother Lunkhead]

I can see from your illustrations the distinction between the veteran company and battle companies. However, I'm unclear as to how the battle companies and reserve companies are easily distinguished from one another. From your description, I assume each company has a unique picture symbol on the right knee pad. You might wish to describe the symbol that represents each company, or even better, illustrate the symbol of each company along with the basic symbols you have already included. This would give your Insignium article a greater sense of completeness. 

 

The article format and illustrations are excellent, but it looks a bit incomplete.

[Codex Grey]

Thanks, LH!

You are correct about company symbols. I deliberately kept things blank, both because I just didn't want to detail every single symbol and I wanted to leave a few blanks for others to fill. Not that I expect anyone to (although it has happened before) but I like when other people do this with their stuff as well.

 

However, it feeling incomplete is a fair comment and even if I prefer to keep things vague/open, if that keeps it from being added to the Showcase along the Index Astartes article, I understand. I don't have any plans right now to add too much detail to the Insignium article, but who knows, maybe I will at some point.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Thanks for the clarification CG Your thought process on this looks sound and I'll be happy to approve your Insignium article

[Ace Debonair]

Tip to new Liberites, always include something so obviously silly that people will have to reply

 

Seriously though, I agree it's unlikely, but I was wondering how unlikely. As far as I can see, there is some room for interpretation when it comes to the death rate of the procedure. The Idea was that the hardcore survivors of the Chapter refused to give into the treatment, as a thematically appropriate thing for them to do, but I'll change it to "most survived" or something and hopefully that's enough? 

 

Still having trouble with the Geneseed section though.

I'm not sure what else you could add in the geneseed section.

Maybe a sentence recapping which aspects of the Herald's nature comes from their gene-heritage?

 

I realise it's really hypocritical of me to call someone else out for long sentences, but I think that might be the problem with the end of the geneseed section.  

That last sentence is pretty long.

Splitting it into two, and reinforcing that "bringing light" means "killing heretics et al", gives it more of a punch. Something along the lines of:

 

"Now, with the integration of the Primaris technology, the geneseed’s integrity has been solidified. Thus fortified, the Heralds are once again ready to fight against the endless horrors of the universe, and bring light to the darkness."

 

 

As with the Warriors Eternal, I've missed the Heralds of Light. It's good to have them back! 

[Codex Grey]

Well, Brother Lunkhead, if you are reading this, you got to me

The Insignium article felt a bit bare bones and deserved something more. I've been working on this on and off for some time, changed some of the original names and ideas around to something that works better as a whole I think.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Codex Grey

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Well done.

[Brother Cambrius]

A legend of the past from when I first joined these hallowed halls! It's great to see these boys returned and renewed in the age of Primaris. I love the Company names and designs you added in too, very distinctive designs and names. :tu:

 

Cambrius

[Codex Grey]

I tried painting way back when I was about ten. Did not go well. Wanted to try and see if I could do any better now after about twenty years.

Could have gone better, could have gone worse. It was an enjoyable exercise, but I don't think I'll paint many more. White and helmet stripes are a pain!

I didn't even bother attempting freehand symbols. Doesn't help that the Chapter and Company symbols I've created are super hard to paint as well. Let that be a lesson to those who plan to paint the symbols they come up with for their DIY Chapters

Edited January 30, 2023 by Codex Grey

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Good job on the model.

[Codex Grey]

Ok, so I had to go back several times over the last year to change a few things that bothered me, but I think I'm content with the current heraldry setup. I write this knowing there's a fairly big chance I might come back and find something else to tweak :)

 

EDIT: And so I did :)

The Company symbols were always loosely based on the regular codex-approved symbols for companies, so I made the connection more obvious. This give the overall color scheme more variation, but kept the simple and symmetric look for the 5th Company (similar to how the Raven Guard does it), which I like, and it makes company affiliation visible from several angles. It also works nicely with battlefield role icons in white.

With this change, I also tweaked the more elaborate symbols to adhere more closely to the codex symbols.

 

  

 

Edited February 27 by Codex Grey