Index Malleus: Barret's Privateers

[Barret]

I think by now I know what I'm getting into when I ask you for feedback, Aurelius. :blink: It is, as you said, good to have some fresh eyes and critical feedback on this piece, especially given how different it is from my usual IA fare. If you do have more feedback, I'm interested to see it.

[FuriousFerret]

/What shall we do with a captured Guardsman/

/What shall we do with a captured Guardsman/

/What shall we do with a captured Guardsman/

/Early in the planetary diurnal cycle/

 

:)

 

Great read!

[Aurelius Rex]

As promised, I have noticed some typos and replications that could do with a review, but if you are going to renovate the article then line-by-line pickyness could be redundant.

 

In 919.M41, seven years after the final defeat of the Astral Claws and Lufgt Huron's assumption of the nomiker "Blackheart",

Should be 'moniker'.

 

He did not go unopposed, of course, and was engaged by the Imperial Navy several times. Although the Empress Anne and the Antelope were badly damaged several times, he always managed to slip away to wherever he was based.

Replicating 'several times' several times in such close succession here.

 

No threat is too small, no heretic too minor, no wound too trivial, no infection too limited to be ignored, for it is by the thousand cuts that the Imperial shall be bled dry.

'Imperial realm'? 'Empire of Mankind'? As it is the sentence looks like it is missing something. Otherwise it is a really good quote. :D

 

Given his command over more than a few Red Corsairs, including several of the original cadre of Astral Claws, who fled Badab with Blackheart after their defeat at the Palace of Thorns, and his relatively free reign over his activities and targets, it is assumed that Barret has no small standing within the Red Corsairs, a position he probably gained by bringing Huron a ship of no small power and centuries of experience, as well as promises of plunder and damage to the Imperium.

This is a really long sentence! Could it be fragmented to give the reader a break half-way through catch their breath? ;)

 

What concerns Imperial analysts, though, is the nature of Barret's targets. Where before he sought mostly common plunder, he now seems bent on capturing more martial material. Inevitably some of this is paid to Huron as tribute and swells Blackheart's armies, but Barret appears to be hording much of it himself in an unknown stronghold.

'hoarding', not 'hording'.

 

In any case, once the Antelope has sidled up close to the chosen target, torpedoes and lances are used to batter down enemy shields, followed by a massed launch of boarding torpedoes and assault craft, carrying hundreds of vicious corsairs, traitor Marines and, in the forefront of every attack, Barret himself.

Question - do you mean traitor or renegades here? I would think of Traitor marines as those from the traitor legions, and renegade marines as those from chapters, so the astral claws would be classed as Renegades. This is a fine distinction and perhaps one not shared by others but while I was commenting I thought it was worth mentioning.

 

Resistance to the pirates is, especially in the case of Navy ships, frequently hampered by spontaneous mutinies by oppressed crewmen eager to take part in the relative freedom of a pirate under Barret's command, short and brutal as such a life usually is. Where once Barret sometimes allowed particularly gallant or surrendering crews live, now he leaves every ship and every base a gore-slicked abattoir, monuments to hate and slaughter to horrify those who come after.

Given his change in tactics and increased brutality has this changed the way that boarded crews react? If they know that all that awaits them is a bloody death are they now much more likely to fight to the death and harder than they did before, and has this made him less successful in some cases? Has Barrett's desparate measures of increasing brutality made things more difficult for himself and his men?

 

 

Lastly there was another point that I wanted to make about the Antelope from the perspective of a BFG player. Dauntless light cruisers can have either lances or torps (you could have them boarding torpedoes in this case) but not both. I know using game rules to justify narrative stories is not perfect, but I think in this case there is only room in the prow to fit one or the other system. If you go with just torps on the prow then lances (or more heavy firepower) could be provided by small escort vessels. The normal dauntless has gun decks on the side, but personally I would have no problem with you having some of the gun decks stripped out to make room for flight decks for assault boats... but not boarding torpedoes as they don't seem to be fired from the side, only the prow. I think that redesigning / uprating the armorment of a ship in this context is fine, as long as you consider what kind of trade-offs you are having in the other ship systems. If it is faster does that mean less armour. Bigger shield generator capacity - less energy available to the engines or whatever. You don't necessarily have to mention these things, although it might be characterful if you can work them in as faults can be more interesting than (bland) perfection. :P

 

Cheers,

 

Aurelius.

[Barret]

Fixed the spelling and grammatical errors as pointed out, plus one or two I noticed along the way.

 

The last point, about the change in recruitment and the way Elcid Barret and the Antelope are seen, is something I'm going to address in the revisions I have planned, hopefully to be done tonight. I started working on them last night, but was hopelessly arrested by the works of Mr. Genndy Tartakovsky. ;)

 

 

-edit-

 

Oh, and about the Antelope and the Dauntless-class Cruiser. I was going off of the description of the class on the WH40k wiki, which describes the Dauntless as having both torp and lance batteries. If that's not the case, I'll rework the Antelope's description.

 

 

--editedit--

 

1013 posts! Which is significant to those with an obsessive knowledge of the X-Files. :lol:

[Aurelius Rex]

-edit-

 

Oh, and about the Antelope and the Dauntless-class Cruiser. I was going off of the description of the class on the WH40k wiki, which describes the Dauntless as having both torp and lance batteries. If that's not the case, I'll rework the Antelope's description.

 

The standard Dauntless class has prow lances, although the BFG listing says they may be replaced with torps. The Dauntless is pretty quick for a capital ship and also has improved thrusters to go faster in a straight line so it should be able to either catch slow prey or easily escape if things get hairy.

 

I thought I heard something about the BFG rulebook with a lot of this info being published free on the Specialist Games website, but I can't confirm this. In any case, if you need info on other ships in the fleet I can look something up, (BFG is a great game) or alternatively you can make up your own class of ship so noone can contradict it. ^_^

 

I will keep an eye out for the revisions.

 

Aurelius.

[Barret]

The Dauntless Class Light Cruiser is a common scout craft within the fleets of the Imperial Navy. Imperial scout cruisers have generally always had enough firepower to fight off a determined attack by escort size ships, and can hold enough supplies to remain autonomous for months at a time, the Dauntless being no exception. It forgoes the traditional armoured prow of the Imperial Navy, balancing this lack by being substantially faster and more manoeuvrable than a full size Imperial cruiser. Due to the need for power savings, and to conserve supplies, the Dauntless has about half the shielding and turret cover of a full size cruiser, but given its expected opposition this is sufficient protection.1

 

The Dauntless Class has respectable weapons batteries on either side, and an option of a full cruiser class compliment of torpedo tubes in the prow. A furious set of Lances are set to fire past the ships prow on any enemy coming to close. This devastating array of weaponry, combined with its speed and manoeuvrability, has ensured that an enemy Captain who carelessly overlooks the Dauntless based on its size never makes the same mistake again. The effectiveness of the Dauntless is even more apparent when paired, or operating alongside an escort squadron.

 

That's the entry from wh40k.lexicanum.com (direct link), and what I based the description of the Antelope on. I had forgotten the BFG ruleset is available online. I'll take a look at that tonight.

[Captain Pugno]

man that was a good read - I like it!

 

nice and oringinal well done :turned:

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Now I know this may sound slightly silly, but does Barret have his own personal Cadre, in his own Colour Scheme? I know he works for the Astral Claws now but, I still see him as an individual within a group, rather than bieng part of it, if you know what I mean. Any thoughts?

[Barret]

I'm dredging this up from the depths in hopes of getting a second round of feedback and revisions in before I toss it over to the Librarium.

 

Some thoughts after reading it over again, and the feedback already received:

 

I talked about changing the "early years" of Elcid Barret and the Privateers to show that he was originally interested in fighting the enemies of the Imperium, and only desperation and revenge for punitive actions against him turned him against the Imperium and into the vicious corsair he is today, but after consideration, I think I prefer that he starts attacking the Imperium right away. I say this because I really don't want him to be some kind of offended idealist. He's not a Drake or a Jack Sparrow who, while not exactly good guys aren't exactly evil either, but more like Blackbeard or Barbarossa (the real one, not the Pirates of the Caribbean version) in that he's just plain bad, violent and malicious. He never should have been a Space Marine, and is interested only in his own aggrandizement, not in fighting for a cause or to protect a society that cast him out. Part of that is a continuing theme I've been thinking about; that Space Marines, without their codes and oaths and controls both internal and external, are monsters. I think there is a transition there, from a "buccaneer" who, while definitely a bad guy, still has a code of conduct that can be known and respected, to a true reaver and predator without restraint or emotion.

 

Trimming down the Origins section to scale back the "action reports" that dominate parts of it. My worry here is that, without those details, there isn't much there. After all, he's only been around in this way for about one hundred years, which is practically an eyeblink in terms of Space Marines. What do you guys think? Are there parts that are too in-depth or could be scaled back?

 

Elcid Barret himself. A few people have commented on the fact that there's not really much information on Barret himself outside of what he's done. This was originally a deliberate choice of mine, as I really wanted him to regarded as being a bit like the Grim Reaper. You don't really know who or what is, or where he came from, but you really know why he's here and what he's going to do. In many ways, he's intended to be the opposite of the typical Space Marine, loyal or Chaos, in that he's not some legendary hero or villain, he doesn't have a great mythos built around him with tales of accomplishment or feats of might. He's a sinister, malevolent, unknowable entity that is to be exterminated. He is not a "worthy opponent" or an "arch-rival" or a "nemesis".

 

Recruiting and taking on new crew. As I mentioned above, my intention was that, after his return as a Red Corsair Lord, he still accepts mutineers and other renegades into his crew, it's just that now you either have the choice of turning on your crew as soon as he shows up or dying. No invitations to captives (because none are taken). If that's no clear, let me know and I'll try and make it moreso.

 

Colours and cadre. My current "vision" for Elcid Barret is an anonymous figure in matte-black Mk4 Maximus armour with twinned, curved, single-edged powerswords and a pair of short, spiraled goat or antelope horns sprouting from his helmet. He wears no insignia or decoration beyond his own sigil. My intention there is that he's sinister, inhuman. Kind of like Darth Vader, actually. The opposite of a mighty hero or villain of legend with honour markings, trophies and other proofs of prowess. As for his cadre of renegade Marines, I don't see them wearing any kind of uniform colours or markings (beyond the Astral Claws, of course). They'd likely wear markings showing their allegiance to the Red Corsairs and possibly a variation on Barret's mark (or their own, if they're one of his lieutenants).

 

 

Anyways, I'm interested to see what you guys think or see.

 

 

Cheers,

 

Barret

[Commissar Molotov]

Oh, I was told we'd sail the warp for Imperial gold,

We'd fire our guns, shed their blood!

Now I'm a broken man in an Inquisitor's cell,

The last of Barret's Privateers...

--Excerpt from "Privateer's Lament", suppressed 979.M41 by Inquisitorial Edict

 

I think that this piece should be underneath the 'Index Malleus: Barret's Privateers' title - it flows better, that way. Put it in CENTER tags, too.

 

- You talk of the personal flag of Elcid Barret. How does the Inquisition/Imperium know this? Has it been seen? Identified by whom? Where is it displayed on a kilometer-long ship?

 

I think that Aurelius is right when he says you're guilty of transposing too much of the real-life into the fiction. I did a search on Google and was rewarded with plenty of information on 'Elcid Barrett'. I think part of this shows in how you've called the Dauntless vessel the 'Antelope'. How you can say "The Dread Ship Antelope" is beyond me, really. ;) I mean... I can't say it really conjures up much abject terror. Certainly not in a universe where the mechanical living dead come to life, Orks rampage through the galaxy, the Tyranids are swarming into the galaxy and heading for Terra...

 

... so I think you might be better off '40kifying' certain elements more, perhaps.

 

Whatever the reason, seven years after the conclusion of the Badab War, Elcid Barret was to reappear in the Eastern Fringes and begin a reign of terror and blood that was to last almost a century.... In 919.M41, seven years after the final defeat of the Astral Claws...

 

Considering it's 999.M41 and Barret's not been killed, it might be better to say "...begin a reign of terror and blood that has lasted for almost a century." - that makes me reconsider the 'last of Barret's privateers' thing from the song at the top. If Barret is still alive to plague the Imperium further, how can anyone in a prison be 'the last' of his privateers? ;)

 

Barret, however, had fought on hundreds of battlefields for centuries, and laid a cunning trap. He lured the squadron into the dangerously dense asteroid field, where powerful explosives built from the warp drives of captured ships demolished whole asteroids and crushed two of the Navy ships in a hellstorm of debris. The lead ship, the Empress Anne, managed to escape with only minor damage when the captain powered his ship forwards on all engines, a risky gambit in a dense field of floating rocks, but a successful one. The Antelope, expecting her foes to be all destroyed, was caught off guard by the first salvo and sustained damage to her prow. However, the powerful lance batteries of a Dauntless-class Cruiser are not to be underestimated, and they punished the Empress Anne, knocking out her forward and topside shields in a single salvo. Before the reeling Navy ship could react, the Antelope pushed forward and launched a wave of boarding torpedoes from her forward torpedo tubes. The initial fight was a brutal affair fought between the screaming reavers and the Empress Anne's well-drilled security troopers. However, a second wave of boarding craft, forcing entry through the ship's hanger decks and led by Barret in person, quickly turned the stalemate into a massacre. The battle was lost from the moment the renegade Astartes set foot on the Empress, but the crew held out gallantly for a further twelve hours before Barret forced entry to the bridge and cut the heart out of the command staff.

 

A few things here: Firstly, warp-drives in the 40k universe are not the same as something like Star Trek. In Star Trek you get a nice bit of anti-matter crashing into matter, a nice explosion and things are done. In 40k, an exploding warp-drive is something far more serious. The BFG damage tables show that a ship having its' warp drive explode can create a warp-rift, a tear in the fabric of space. So it's less likely the ships'll be damaged in an explosion as dragged into the immaterium.

 

Secondly, a Dauntless can have either lances or torpedoes - not both! :)

 

Thirdly - calling a Naval vessel the 'Empress' seems a little heretical to me...

 

an Astartes Strike Cruiser, the Servant of the Rock, approached, identifying itself as part of the Dark Angels Chapter and carrying a contingent of the famous Ravenwing commanded by Venerable Brother Giurescu, long entombed within a dreadnought sarcophagus. Giurescu, after being told of the situation by Maynard, agreed to lead the attack.

 

A Commander of the Ravenwing? In a Dreadnought? Also, remember that you're in the midst of the Thirteenth Black Crusade - when the Dark Angels withdrew to the Caliban system and didn't answer any requests for help? Perhaps it might be better to use a different Chapter.

 

You mention Hornigold's life being unnaturally extended, but you've also mentioned that Barret wasn't showing allegiance to Chaos - it might be an idea to explain why. One thing - when you say about Barret being "badly wounded and [disappearing] from the Dark Angels' sight" - you could perhaps say "was badly wounded and was carried away by his followers" or somesuch. Sure, it'd take a great many to carry a Space Marine, but it might add a nice layer, suggesting that if his pansy servants hadn't quailed, he could've taken ALL the Dark Angels on!

 

After the events at Medusa V, reports began to filter in about apparently random attacks on isolated Imperial settlements and installations along the Eastern Marches in the galactic north-east. At first, they were assumed to be more of the usual raiding behaviour...

 

The name-check of Medusa seems utterly gratuitous to me. But then Medusa's always grated, for me.

 

The dorsal lance weaponry and prow torpedo tubes remain,

 

Dauntlesses have forward lances and nothing on their dorsal or lateral. They have prow and starboard weapons batteries, I believe. Their prow weaponry is a choice between torpedo tubes or lances.

 

This is not to say, however, that he is exactly a trusted servant. Huron is doubtless aware of Barret's ambitions, and so the commander of the Astral Claws assigned to Barret, a hardened marauder named Rades, is there to watch over Barret and ensure he heeds Huron's decrees as much as he is to act as Barret's second. This had led to no small amount of friction between the two Astartes.

 

This bit grates, because it carries on from a "The Imperium knows nothing about...." section, and then tells us all about the interpersonal dynamic of this group. How does the Imperium know these things? Through interrogation of captured privateers? If so, where were they captured? - You go on to talk about captured Privateers, but it might be better to move that mention up sooner, to explain some of these details that are known.

 

I find it interesting that Barret insituted a democratic system - it strikes me as being something he wouldn't have done, being a power-hungry egomaniacal Space Marine. It seems to stand out a little. The Astartes are a meritocracy - why turn to a democracy?

 

Because the majority of the forces at Barret's command are comprised of human renegades and corsairs with a small minority of rebel Astartes, the Marines are typically divided up and each command an assault group of human pirates. A Marine will usually command enough pirates to fill anywhere from a wave of boarding torpedoes to a whole wing of assault craft. Thus, these formations of Marines and humans are referred to within the crew as "storm brigades" or just "storms". Similarly to how loyalist Astartes mark squads for easy identification in the heat of battle, each commanding Astartes has his own personal flag or emblem that is displayed proudly in battle so that the corsairs can more easily rally around and follow their commander. These flags almost invariably displays images of death, favoured weaponry or motifs signifying a lack of time or mercy offered to those under attack. When Barret and his fellow renegade Marines do take to the field as a strictly Astartes force, these massed banners are both impressive and fearsome to behold.

 

This section also reveals the "knowing too much" angle. If you want to tell us stuff, tell us stuff. Otherwise, it might be better to include qualifiers like "Recorded engagements with Barret's forces suggest that..."

 

Regardless of this, Barret and his crew seem to take great delight in terrifying and demoralizing their prey with horrifying blasphemies and refutations of the Emperor, screaming them in battle and blanketing the vox channels with them as they strike. One particularly loathsome pirate captured during the defense of an Imperial listening post had every inch of his flesh tattooed with crude renderings of the Emperor and all the Saints in lascivious and vile congress with daemons and the Chaos Gods themselves.

 

Haha, I like that very much. But you need to add about how he was executed for heresy.

 

 

On the whole a strong idea, just needs some tightening up in order to make it adhere to the 40k background more, I think.

[Barret]

Alright, I give up! I'll 40k-ify the Privateers. :confused:

 

I moved the excerpt from the song to under the title, as suggested.

 

- You talk of the personal flag of Elcid Barret. How does the Inquisition/Imperium know this? Has it been seen? Identified by whom? Where is it displayed on a kilometer-long ship?

 

He displays it on his armour, not on his ship, and Marines and pirates under his command would display it or variations on it as well.

 

The name-check of Medusa seems utterly gratuitous to me. But then Medusa's always grated, for me.

 

I mentioned it more to establish a timeline, rather than as a name-drop. Medusa V happened several "years" after the 13th Black Crusade, 40k-wise, so I though the reference would point out the "missing" time between the action in St Francis' Reach and Barret's reappearance.

 

This section also reveals the "knowing too much" angle. If you want to tell us stuff, tell us stuff. Otherwise, it might be better to include qualifiers like "Recorded engagements with Barret's forces suggest that..."

 

With these bits, I was trying to convey to the reader what the objective facts are, as well as pointing out where the Imperium's information is spotty. Should I just focus on one or the other, or could these bits be rewritten to accomplish that purpose but with more clarity?

 

 

I'm not going to respond directly to the rest of your feedback, Mol, but I have read it and considered it. In general, though, given the evidence that people keep showing me, I'll be rewriting the space battles and the descriptions of the Antelope. I may switch to a different class of ship, depending on what I find over on the BFG site.

 

As for the 40k-ification, I think the obvious place to start is with the name of the ship, much as it makes me sad to do so. :) I'll come up with a list of possible names over the weekend. Are there any other parts that need to have reduced real-world connections?

[Aurelius Rex]

Good to see this project is still active, Barret. :) I look forward to reading the next version.

 

In general, though, given the evidence that people keep showing me, I'll be rewriting the space battles and the descriptions of the Antelope. I may switch to a different class of ship, depending on what I find over on the BFG site.

 

On the subject of the class of ship, I thought that a Light Cruiser such as a Dauntless would already be completely appropriate for a pirate ship. It is very fast to avoid the pursuit of vengeful Imperial Navy ships trying to set traps, and has the option for taking those all-important (boarding) torpedoes in the prow. While you could change to a different light cruiser type like the Voss patterns, my reading of Molotov's previous post is that the name 'Antelope' is the thing that could do with changing. While it does indicate speed, it also makes me think of frailty and running at the smallest scare, which is far from 'dread-inducing'. :P I take it that this is a call-back to the real-world privateer's ship, if so I can see you may have an affection for the name. Either you could have Barret rename the ship after an animal that isn't vegetarian and skittish after he claims it, or alternatively embrace the name and say that Barret's actions have made such an innocuous sounding ship feared across the sector, and woe betide the crew who underestimates the ship because of its name. :tu:

 

Back to the concept of the Voss pattern light cruisers, I remember reading something about the construction of their central corridor making them more difficult to take over by boarding than other ships because there is only one route to get between the engine room and the front sections like the bridge, prow and guns. This might be a good hook to hang a story upon, either a reason they are able to fend off capture and escape, or alternatively be captured, although he has avoided that fate so far. ;)

 

If you have any questions on ships like the Voss patterns that are not on the BFG website, or about patterns of escort ships that he might ally with to boost the firepower of his pirate band, then just ask or PM and I will see what I can do.

[Barret]

While you could change to a different light cruiser type like the Voss patterns, my reading of Molotov's previous post is that the name 'Antelope' is the thing that could do with changing. While it does indicate speed, it also makes me think of frailty and running at the smallest scare, which is far from 'dread-inducing'. ;) I take it that this is a call-back to the real-world privateer's ship, if so I can see you may have an affection for the name. Either you could have Barret rename the ship after an animal that isn't vegetarian and skittish after he claims it, or alternatively embrace the name and say that Barret's actions have made such an innocuous sounding ship feared across the sector, and woe betide the crew who underestimates the ship because of its name.

 

The idea that it's despite the name, rather than because of it, the ship is feared was what I was hoping for and aiming for originally. I'd really rather not have to come right out and say that, though, as it seems kind of cheap. If that fact isn't communicated well, I'd love to hear anybody's thoughts on how I could better portray it. If it's really not doable, I can find a more gothic and/or menacing name for the ship. One idea I originally had was to use one of the Latin species names for a variety of antelope.

 

If you have any questions on ships like the Voss patterns that are not on the BFG website, or about patterns of escort ships that he might ally with to boost the firepower of his pirate band, then just ask or PM and I will see what I can do.

 

Thanks, Aurelius. The Navy side of things is an area of 40k I'm still pretty new to, having never played BFG. From what Mol has told me, the Dauntless is designed to attack ships head-on, rather than through the broadsides more Imperial ships are set up for. This seems an interesting angle to me as it a) fits with the attack plans a pirate would use, :devil: minimizes the exposed area of the ship to counter-fire, and c) seems to me to fit more with Elcid Barret's mentality. None of this sidling up for broadsides nonsense, just swoop in, blast 'em to kingdom come and take the rest at sword-point.

[Aurelius Rex]

The idea that it's despite the name, rather than because of it, the ship is feared was what I was hoping for and aiming for originally. I'd really rather not have to come right out and say that, though, as it seems kind of cheap.

Subtlety is fine, as long as it is not so subtle that it fails to deliver the point. :sweat: I think that explaining it, as has been done in the last few posts here, could be a really nice addition without it becoming a sledgehammer.

[Barret]

Alright, made some changes. The "Antelope" has become the "Morrigan's Revenge", and the "Empress Anne" has become the "Imperial Anne". The song exerpt up at the top has had the date changed to 999.M41, implying that it was written by a pirate captured from the Imperial Anne. The Battle of St. Francis' Reach has been changed to involve the Praetor of Orpheus, rather than the Dark Angels, and the Imperial Anne is merely disabled and captured, rather than outright destroyed. I've modified the way the various space battles and descriptions of the Morrigan's Revenge to hopefully better reflect the realities of the Dauntless-class. Lots of small wording and grammatical changes to improve the way various sentences and paragraphs flow.

[Barret]

After reading and re-reading this a few times over the past few days, I think I'm largely satisfied with it. I've made several more minor edits, fixing typos and sentence flow, that kind of thing, and I thought I'd dredge this up from the depths one last time to see if anyone has any more feedback before I give StratoKhan some reading to do over Christmas. :D

[Aurelius Rex]

It has been a while since I looked at the article, Barret. I will print it off, see what you have changed, and pester you about it mercilessly. :D

[Barret]

I look forward to it, as always. :D

 

There was some discussion earlier in working on it about making Elcid a more sympathetic, "adventurer" type earlier on in his career. I thought about this for a while, and then decided to ditch it. He was more humane and less prone to messy displays involving organs, but that's about as far as I want to take it. Other than that, I think I've covered most of what was discussed before, though I've little doubt there's more than needs to be looked at.