Index Astartes: Shadow Dragons

[Brother-Karid]

EDIT: Changes have been made to the original post, any comment that has been left may be addressing an issue that has been removed. Also note that modifications will continue to be made.

 

[center; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">Shadow Dragons[/center]

 

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;"> <<The Jager IV Conflict>>

 

Jager IV is a hive world which was still young, though home to millions upon millions of Imperial lives. Captain Miles sent two squads of marines planetside to find the Governor or military leader in charge of the defenses, upon finding a command post the squads relayed what they had found, it was empty. Bodies of Imperials and Eldar alike littered the ground in front of it, and there were faint signs of close quarters fighting, but relatively few bodies were still in the command post. Miles wasted no time and ordered the squads to hold their position and do what they could to find out where the soldiers had disappeared to. No more than ten minutes after the order was issued, a transmission came from one of the squad Sergeants. They had found the Governor, a man named Nikolai Nastachav, had retreated with the remnants of the defenders and made a hasty path towards the planet's capital, Nova City, named so due to its position on the planet. Jager IV possessed a strange orbit, one which caused half the planet to be dark for half a year and the other to be covered in sun. When Nova city came into the sun it was at the planets hottest point, when its closest to the star it orbits. More Dragons arrived and a more fortified command post was made out of the abandoned one found, and the marines prepared for battle.

Shadow Dragon battle-brother

http://i118.photobucket.com/albums/o98/MC-Rayzer/ShadowDragonSpaceMarine.jpg

Several Rhino APC's were brought down and rougly four squads of Shadow Dragons were loaded up and on their way to Nova City. Along the way, a transmission had arrived from Governor Nikolai himself as a battle was seen unfolding behind him. When the Rhinos finally reached the battle, it had been carried inside the Imperial base, which forced them to split up, and rely on their combat knives and any other close combat weapon they had. The squads breached a locked door and began to file in, stalking through hallways in pairs of two or four. The sounds of battle grew ever closer as they breached a door which led to a fierce firefight between the Eldar guardians and Imperial Guardsmen. On sight of the xenos, the battle brothers raised their bolters and unleashed a hail of hellfire on their targets, leaving none alive in the sudden flank. Back at the command post, matters began to become more dire as conflicts unfolded between Eldar and Space Marine.

 

The battle lasted several months, causing Captain Miles and his company to begin hit and run guerilla tactics as well as constant defensive maneuvers with the assistance of the Seventy-Seventh Imperial Guard regiment located in and around Nova city. Close combat was not uncommon during attacks in the massive cities, and witnessing some in his own right, Captain Miles recognized a bigger need for better understanding of hand to hand combat. While the marines were deadly, they seemed more used to fighting with bolter rather than blade. While not problematic, more of his battle brothers died at the end of an Eldar blade, than from the tiny projectiles of a Shuriken Catapult.

 

Despite the effort of both the Guard and Shadow Dragons, the Eldar seemed intent on taking the planet. However, all sides had taken considerable casualties, and differant tactics were continually used in attempts to bring an enemy to their knees. In a seemingly desperate gamble, Miles scanned the planet, eventually finding the Eldar base set up in a largely destroyed section of Nova City. Miles decided a manner of fighting in which they had not used previously must be considered, and upon talking with Governor Nikolai, the men agreed that the Imperial Guard of the Seventy-Seventh would attack the north side of the Eldar camp, causing their troops to be more concerned with that than the Shadow Dragons lurking in the darkness in the south. As according to plan, the majority of the Eldar force was lured into fighting the Guardsmen. Before the marines attacked the force from behind, it was reported that several battle-brothers spoke last minute prayers to the Emperor before the Eldar force was forced into retreating through the webway at the sudden flank attack.

 

<<Inferno Sword and Dragon's Claw>>

The chapter has two relics of great mention, the Inferno Sword, and Dragon's Claws. The Inferno sword was a weapon weilded by Chapter Master Orikan when he first gained control of the chapter. It was used countless times by him during the early campaigns of the chapter. As the sword is used, the energy which flows out of it resembles that of blue flames. The sword is passed down as new chapter masters come and go. It is now used by the current chapter master.

 

The Dragon's Claw is a single power claw which was used by the first captain of the first company. It was given to the most trusted warrior in the company after the captain was killed during combat. Hundreds of years later, the Claw was given to an assault marine in the first company who had shown large amounts of continuing promise, and was thought to be the next captain of the company, instead he was inducted into the Venator Draconis shortly after its creation. Chaplain Marcus, the current leader of the Venator Draconis, weilds the claw in combat, and rightly so.

 

<<Homeworld>>

 

The Shadow Dragon's homeworld is Venora V, a Death/Penal World which is split two regions of extremes. One region, which the Fortress Monastery lies in, is a vast and cold mountain range. The second, and much larger, region is a large, open, and arid desert which is home to wyverns, dragons around twelve feet long, not counting tail. The planet has two moons, Kratos and Odysseus, each are unable to support life, and are valuable only in the fact that they have a variety of minerals which is used to supply forces on the ground as well as the chapter. Kratos is tinted a red for the mars like soil on its surface, while in contrast Odysseus is tinted a blue. The inhabitants of the planet are strong, resiliant, and rough, providing the kind of recruits the chapter wants. While not all initiates are from Venora, the largest number does. The reason for it not being the sole provider of recruits is simple, it meets most of the needs but not all. A number of other worlds, such as Torran Prime, provide differant recruits to best suit differant roles. Typhone Prime is a feral world inhabited by hundreds of tribes on its great surface. Their culture revolves greatly around the up bringing of their future leaders, those with dormant psyker abilities, and attempting to appease the 'Gods' which come and take the most promising of their kind.

 

Another planet favorited among the Shadow Dragons is Hydra VI, a large hive planet whos under levels are dominated by ganger wars. In the muck and grime, the broken down buildings, and constant fear, the Dragons find the survivors which they need. The initiates found on Hydra are often on the boarder lines of the acceptable age, these initiates often stay scouts instead of moving on to be full battle brothers. These scouts are extremely valuable in their ability to survive for long periods of time in harsh conditions, as well as their marksmenship often fine tuned in the undercities where ammunition is scarce and every shot must count.

 

 

<<Beliefs>>

 

The Shadow Dragons believe in the redemption of sins, as well as the bond they gain in brotherhood through the trials they endure with their fellow initiates. Most recruits for the chapter are those with condemned origins, fathers, brothers, or other family members who have commited crimes that have fallen on their children. More often than not it is often the child himself who has commited the crime. These are the most prominant and determined of the initiates, for the Shadow Dragons offer redemption through faith and fire, and it is all the condemned can wish for to die in the service of their emperor for the forgiveness of their sins. Because of most Dragons condemned origins, they will constantly resort to sessions with the company Chaplain. The faith of the Shadow Dragons circles around how they believe they are saved by the Emperor's grace. They do believe that honor plays one of the biggest parts when in death. For a Dragon, there is honor in death only if death comes when fighting face to face with it.

<<Honor System>>

The honor system in the Shadow Dragons is very cut and dry. Duty is the key to honor in the Chapter. Victory, kills, rising above the already highly set bar of space marines to do something truely heroic (i.e. save a battle brother, leading to their own death is considered highly honorable). Honor can only be gained through combat however, as what honor can be gained by resting or meditating? While the type of combat in question does not matter, honor must be gained in the fires of combat against the enemies of the Emperor. As that is their duty as Space Marines.

Combat wise, they will regularly use guerilla warfare tactics, sometimes even if they do not have to. Since their creation, they have become more comfortable with close combat, learning to use their blades with deadly efficiency. The blades which they use, they craft themselves, the reason behind it being that it makes a bond between the warrior and his weapon. On the weapons which they forge themselves, parts often come from the Wyvern which they are required to slay as an initiation right, often taking the bones and using them as the hilt of a weapon to carry with them into battle. They have a moderate number of psykers, most of which help to locate enemy positions, battle with the rest of their brothers, and store the tactics seen in other chapters, and even enemy ranks.

 

<<Organization>>

 

The Shadow Dragons organize themselves as the laid out by the Codex Astartes, for the most part. Some key differances in their organization takes place in the companies themselves, as the numbers of units in one battle company may not be the same as another, the numbers changing depending on what kind of re-enforcements they can obtain. Another key differance in organization is the eleventh company which consists of an elite group of assault troopers which have undergone a seperate trial to prove their worth. This company, named the Huntus Dragonus, is lead by a Chaplain instead of Captain, and its number is always changing, as there is no constant stream of veterened assault marines joining its ranks. The eleventh company is kept on Venora V for extra defense, the use of their experience to assist the scouts of the chapter in tactics and instructions in close combat. They are sometimes sent out to assist nearby planets, and even the assist battle companies during great campaigns against a certain enemy.

 

It's gone through several fluxuations of recruits in its life time, suffering heavy losses some battles, and barely any others. At one instance several companies were depleted of troops when ambushed by renegade space marines in an Ork infested system, causing the chapter to think more critically on marines being able to function in relatively low numbers. The loss of several hundred marines was a blow to the chapter, as only a fraction of that number had intact gene seed. In the following years the renegade chapter became more interested in the Shadow Dragons who were fierce close combat fighters as well, the renegades were later identified as the Death Raiders, a chapter which believed close combat was the ultimate way to fight, as strength and prowess was not decided by a bolt or from long range. It has yet to be unknown if the Death Raiders only have interests in the Dragons because of their close combat prowess or if there is another reason involved.

 

With the marines of the chapter able to take care of most wounds with certain supplies, for this reason, Apothecary's are mostly kept on battle barges to tend for survivors in need of desperate care. One Apothecary usually acompanies the Captain or Chaplain in charge of the company, keeping a position in his command squad as a record keeper of wounds and how much of the chapter's gene seed was recovered after an engagement.

 

<<Combat Doctrine>>

 

The Shadow Dragons believe in guerilla warfare, as said earlier, and will use it even if they do not have to. They are fierce close combat fighters, and able defenders. Ultimately what techniques and tactics they use depend on what enemy they are fighting and what counter measures the enemy has. They will look at the current situation and act accordingly, however they do not spend much time studying enemy movements as a chapter such as the Blood Ravens do.

 

<<Recruitment>>

 

After possible recruits have been picked out, they are not taken to the fortress. They are instead sent through the mountains to find it, the first trial to find if they have what it takes to become a Space Marine. If the initiates survive to reach the fortress, they are placed in fights against one another to flush out those who can not meet the expectations. The number of rounds are determined by how many initiates reach the fortress. The largest number reaching the fortress recorded has been a solid twenty. Out of the twenty, only five begun the transformation to becoming a space marine.

 

After the first few trials, they are put into the scout company, surving as recon units and snipers in the chapter. Recommendations are given by their superiors, and some stay as snipers or recon units while others move on. Those who are to become full battle brothers are sent deep into the desert with their squads, and expected to survive long enough to kill a Wyvern, navigate through the jungles past the desert, and find their way back to the fortress. The scouts are given their bolters, and the combat knives given to them. If they survive and make it back to the Fortress Monastery, they are given the final implants needed to become a space marine, and then sent to craft their own knife, using the bone they have taken from the Wyvern to make the hilt and/or sheath for their weapon.

 

<<Venator Draconis>>

 

Upon Joining the Venator Draconis, marines must pass another test of strength, faith, and determination to become part of its ranks. The marine which has been selected is giving his armor and the knife in which he has crafted several hundred years prior when he was initiated as a full battle brother. He is then sent out to slay another Wyvern on his own, with his knife and anything he can fashion to use to his advantage. If a Wyvern is slain, then the marine must take back another bone, most often one of the bones brought back is the skull. On top of a bone being brought back, the marine must bring back a specific amount of blood from the Wyvern's body. If both are brought back, then the marine is taken to the next step of his trial, one in which the company apothecary begins to tattoo the body with the blood brought back. The process is more often than not painful, and it is a great honor to have been considered for such a process.

 

Certain properties in the blood which not even veteran apothecary's can identify cause certain mutations in the marine. One such being hardened scalier skin, and an increase of their field of vision, their awareness coming to a point where they can 'see' anyone within a one hundred or so degree angle as well as being able to become aware of threats that may be lingering behind them. While the marine gets older spine like protrusians begin to grow from his uppder back and sometimes shoulders, while placement of these spines can also go to mid back (preventing use of jump packs and restricting the marine to the use of a bike). Protrusians have also appeared on the forearm and hands. The bone which is visible can also be broken however, and can be a source of hinderance for a marine. Causing him to reconsider both how he fights, and what he uses to get to the fight. While the bones are sturdy, they can not take prolonged stress, stopping them from being used as a weapon. Under the tattooing, muscle degradation slowly becomes apparent as the marine continues to live and fight, sometimes causing a marine who has long served in the Huntus Dragonus to gain robotic replacements depending on where the muscle is weakening and disappearing. While some marines can stave off this effect for a limited amount of time, no Venator Draconis marine has yet to reach much older than three hundred and fifty years old without resorting to heavy cybernetic body modification. As the marine is tattooed, his armor is decorated with the bones of the Wyvern he has slain, another source of honor as it shows he has survived the beast twice and taken his prize twice as well. Where the bones are placed depend on which ones are taken, and several other factors, such as any fractures it may have endured.

 

The Draconis are under constant suspicion from the Inquisition because of the allowed mutation, often times the Fortress Monastery on Venora V has been visited by an Inquisiter to keep checks on the chapter for signs of other mutations.

 

 

<<Gene-Seed>>

 

The Shadow Dragons gene-seed was derived from the Raven Guard. Due to the mutations caused by the initiation process into the Venator Draconis, the gene seed is constantly inspected for signs of the mutation manifesting itself there by the Adeptus Machinicus. Aside from the Venator Draconis's mutations a possible threat to the chapter's gene seed, they also have the Raven Guard's lack of Betcher's gland, Mucranoid, and Melanchrome.

 

<<Battle-Cry>>

 

The Shadow Dragons war-cry is "Through shadow and fire we previal..." thought to have originally been spoken by an experienced battle-brother in the Jager IV conflict, though this is un certain. The Battle-cry and motto of the Shadow Dragons is thought to have multiple meanings.

 

"Through shadow and fire" is thought to have several meanings in its own right. "Shadow" is held to the Dragons as the covert aspect of how they wage war, "Fire" is thought to symbolize when stealth does not work, and instead the fire they metaphorically walk through to prevail for the Imperium and the chapter.

 

***

 

This is what I've been working on for my chapter, I know its far from finished but I could use some opinions on it, good or bad I would like to hear some thoughts. I've been working hard on my chapter and would love to polish it up a little bit and have one that I can stick with for a long time. Also, any help on how to make it more cosmetically pleasing as well as anything else would help majorly too :). I know I took some leaps of faith with the origins part, and if you know anything that can help iron anything in this out, i'd appreciate it.

 

~Brother-Karid

[Commissar Molotov]

Hey, this is in response to your PM:

 

Sometime after the creation of the Ordo Hereticus and the first contact with the advanced T'au race, the twenty-fifth founding took place. This founding was considered neccessery, as Imperium space does not stay the same size for long, and the enemies of the Imperium do not rest when attempting to destroy what humanity has built. Out of the several chapter's created, the Shadow Dragons were sent out towards the edge of Segmentum Tempestus, towards the Eastern Fringe.

 

That's somewhat like saying "some time after the world was created, the Roman Empire came to power." - the Ordo Hereticus was created in the aftermath of the Age of Apostasy, in .M36, and the Tau race was first discovered in .M35, but only really started to advance in the past three centuries or so. It strikes me that this first section seems to part of an attempt to 'anchor' the Chapter, by referencing landmarks (especially given the unfixed nature of the 25th Founding) but I'm not really sure that it works.

 

The Eastern Fringe is in the Ultima Segmentum, not the Segmentum Tempestus - unless you're suggesting that they're in the eastern fringes of the Segmentum Tempestus. 'Eastern Fringe' is something that's irrevocably linked with the Ultima Segmentum, however.

 

'Christopher Typheir' doesn't really work as a Raven Guard name - it strikes me as being too... Latinate. Too Generic. 'Christopher' doesn't really work at all, I fear, but for the Raven Guard, the names we know of are Corax, Alenpo, Aajz Solari and Kayvaan Shrike. With those names for comparison, Christopher Typheir doesn't really fit in. If he's "relatively new" then how is he "well-known"? Who knows him?

 

 

He wished a chapter which would fight as the Raven Guard, striking vital points in enemy territory, hit and run guerilla warfare, these things would be natural for them to teach the Shadow Dragons. Instead it was teaching them to be deadly and efficient close combat fighters, teaching them to also be fierce in open combat when guerilla warfare does not work, teaching select few to use weapons such as heavy bolters to an extent that is not normally seen in the Raven Guard. As well as those qualities, Typheir wished his marines be able to mount strong defenses against the most fearsome of foes. Eventually, through tedious selections of planets, one was presented to Typheir in the form of Venora V.

 

This section seems confusing in the extreme, partly because of your use of 'instead'. Also, you seem to be focusing so much on a homeworld - to the point that you say "He wanted a homeworld that'd help them learn close combat." - Does that mean fleet-based Chapters don't learn close combat? Space Marines have spaceships. If their homeworld doesn't offer them opportunities, they can travel to other worlds.

 

The headquarters, nick named Point Alpha by Guardsmen from regiments in surrounding worlds

 

Considering that Guardsmen from surrounding worlds likely would never visit your homeworld (consider how fiercely independent the Chapters of the Astartes typically are) how have they come up with this nickname? And why? It doesn't seem like the catchiest of names. Why have the Space Marines adopted this nickname?

 

Ulthwé Eldar

 

You said yourself that your Chapter is in the Eastern Fringes. Ulthwé is around the Eye of Terror, on the opposite side of your galaxy. How is your Chapter fighting the Eldar of Ulthwé? I mean, unless you take the webway into account. Is it because a friend has an Ulthwé force? I'm curious. After all, not every Space Marine Chapter has fought the Tyranids. In my personal Chapter, the Castigators, only one Company has had the opportunity to encounter the Tau.

 

What does the Jager IV section add to your IA article? Remember that you're writing a summary, an overview of centuries (in some cases, millennia) of combat. Could you perhaps condense the report of the action, or sublimate it into a sidebar? (Just ask if you don't know the coding required.) Likewise, the two special weapons (the relics of your Chapter) could certainly be pushed into a sidebar.

 

You mention the "Huntus Dragonus" early on, which leaves me going "What are they?" Sure, you probably tell me later on in the article, but I don't know now - which is your fault as a writer :rolleyes:. It's very important never to leave the reader confused!

 

The Shadow Dragons believe in redemption in the biggest of sins, as well as the bond they gain in brotherhood through the trials they endure with their fellow initiates. Most Shadow Dragon recruits are condemned soldiers sent to the Death world to pay for crimes against fellow men, or crimes against the Imperium. Because of most Dragons condemned origins, they will constantly resort to sessions with the company Chaplain. The faith of the Shadow Dragons is comparable to most beliefs of twenty-first century Lutheran Christians in that they believe they are saved by the Emperor's grace. Unlike previous religions however, they do believe that honor plays one of the biggest parts when in death. For a Dragon, there is honor in death only if death comes when fighting face to face with it.

 

- They believe that the biggest of sins can be redeemed? Does that mean that the Traitor Legions could find forgiveness? Keep in mind that you're drawing your legacy from the Raven Guard, who have been described as perhaps the most bitter of all the legions - they were betrayed on Istvaan by four Legions of their brothers.

 

- Remember that recruits to Space Marine chapters must be between the ages of ten and fourteen. You cannot recruit soldiers.

 

- Please don't write about twenty-first century Lutheran Christians. This is a major mistake people make whenever they reference anything in our world, whether it's France, Germany, Ancient Egypt, anything. 40k is thirty-eight thousand years in the future. Almost all information has been wiped out. They don't even call Earth Earth anymore. If you mention 'our' world you break the suspense of disbelief and bring the reader back down to our Earth with a bang. That's one of the most dangerous things to do in an IA article. Keep it in the forty-first millennium! <_<

 

Killing all these Wyverns seems wasteful, especially when considering that each time, only one bone is taken. (I'm ignoring the lame-osity of ANOTHER Dragon Chapter with Dragons on the homeplanet... :)) Perhaps you could work on something. Perhaps the wyvern's body is given to the inhabitants or somesuch.

 

Certain properties in the blood which not even veteran apothecary's can identify cause certain mutations in the marine. One such being in the optics, and the marine's perception of time. The iruses of the marine's eyes become devils iruses loosely resembling those of a Wyvern, and when the marine reaches a certain point in combat or any other situation, time begins to slow, allowing quicker reaction times and more accurate bolter fire. As the marine is tattooed, his armor is decorated with the bones of the Wyvern he has slain, another source of honor as it shows he has survived the beast twice and taken his prize twice as well. Where the bones are placed depend on which ones are taken, and several other factors, such as any fractures it may have endured.

 

Lame lame lame lame lame. B)

 

So your Marines are aware that they're being mutated. And these mutations just happen to give them irises just like the wyverns? And just happen to make them superamazinglyAWESOME in combat, allowing them to slow time to a Matrix-esque crawl?

 

Right...

 

The gene-seed of the Shadow Dragons comes from the Ultramarines, as does several other chapters. However, due to Typheir and his command squad carrying the Raven Guard gene-seed, the extraction of their gene-seed was handled delicately. While three of the marines in Typheir's command squad were damaged and lost, the remaining gene-seed as extracted and given back to the Raven Guard, for if the chapter had taken it as their own, a mixing of gene-seeds would occur, which can not ever be allowed to happen.

 

There have been some instance's of dilution among the gene seed. The reason for this lies with the Huntus Dragonus. Because of the initiation rights they must endure, while their optics and perception of time are affected, the gene-seed is also slightly diluted from it. Possibly causing future problems, though no mutations or side affects has been recorded.

 

No mutations? Ugh.

 

Firstly, your Chapter wouldn't have Ultramarines gene-seed. If they did, it's almost certain that the Chapter would've taken a command cadre from an Ultramarines Chapter, not from the Raven Guard.

 

Secondly, your Chapter has been mutated. Super-matrix-time-crawling and mutated eyes are pretty mutated to me. Also considering your Chapter hasn't got many Apothecaries, and the already precarious state of the Raven Guard geneseed, it strikes me that your Chapter would be in a lot of trouble, genetically. You've gotta take the bad with the good!

[Brother-Karid]

Thanks for the entire overview of my article Commissar, it helps. Throughout writing this I knew that there were going to be tons of things needed to be fixed and this brought the biggest ones to the spotlight. Ill work on changing some things, but there are some I would like to keep, like the certain aspects of the Huntus Dragonus (the mutation specifically). There are parts in there I feel should stay, but not sure how to keep them there, any ideas on how to do this would be appreciated.

 

As for the coding, yea I would like to see the things I need to get sidebars and the like.

 

Thanks again for checking out my chapter.

 

~Brother-Karid

[Commissar Molotov]

Well, I'm not against the Huntus Dragonus being mutated. There's precedent in other Chapters for having special units comprised of mutated marines. Think of the Death Company, or the Black Dragons' Dragon Claws. The thing for me is that people tend to have "flaws" that aren't really flaws, but huge massive great bonuses that make them x339414923419 better at killing.

 

If you want to have them mutated, have them mutated. (Although the eye thing sucks, I think.) But give them negative mutations, also! And you need to incorporate it throughout the article, it needs to be something key to the identity of your Chapter, or it just seems like a huge chunk of awesome that's been tacked on to your article to make Ubermarines.

 

Your Chapter's not got many Apothecaries, and in a Chapter descended from (damaged) Raven Guard gene-seed, that's dangerous. But more importantly, from the point-of-view of the writer, it's interesting... ;)

 

EDIT:

 

This from your PM:

 

3. Would you mind pointing out to me personally (or on a post) what you liked about my chapter? For possible changes and for my curiosity I would like to know what you found a good part of the fluff, something that could really add to the character if executed better, etc.

 

 

Well, I like that the Chapter is descended from Raven Guard gene-seed. You don't get a lot of that all these days, and the Raven Guard are an interesting Chapter. They do have attendant problems, though - the majority of those are genetic. The Brothers of the Raven Guard have a malfunctioning Betcher's Gland (they can't spit acid), Mucranoid (they have trouble in certain environments, but it's nothing major) and a malfunctioning Melanchrome, which leads to them getting paler as they grow older, until the oldest Marines have hair and eyes of pure black, and skin of white. Those are things that would have to happen in your Chapter too, by the way. (In fact, in your Chapter there seems to be even MORE gene-seed problems, which is cool, but something that would perhaps be interesting is to say that in the past the Adeptus Mechanicus has had concerns about the stability of your gene-seed).

 

For the most part, I like your beliefs. The idea of redemption is not something that's visited in 40k. Especially given your heritage from the Raven Guard, the most bitter of legions, it could be interesting to see that they believe that you can be redeemed. Of course, the best way (by 'best' here I mean 'most compliant with existing background') to approach it could be a "The Emperor will forgive you, I'm killing him so you can go meet him and gain his forgiveness." type attitude.

 

You say that a death is only honourable when fighting. What about a Marine who is killed in, say... a drop-pod? Or a space ship? Or if a Thunderhawk is blown up? Are vehicle crews considered less honoured in general because they're not part of close combat? Telling us about their honour system might help give them more character.

 

I like the basic concept of the Huntus Dragonus, a unit kept seperate from the unit, afforded great honour. Do Brothers volunteer for service in the unit? It seems odd to me that they're kept on the homeworld, though.

 

The Chapter as a whole has some really interesting concepts, but you seem a little disorganised. It's really just a case, I think, of tightening up your concepts a little based on others' feedback. So I guess the thing I like most about them is that there's definite room for improvement. You have potential, which is something money can't buy! ^_^

 

EDIT EDIT:

 

With regards to the sidebars, this is the code:

 

[rightsidebar=Sidebar Title]Text goes here[/rightsidebar]

 

Or if you want it on the left, put 'leftsidebar' instead. ^_^

[Brother-Karid]

Alright, thanks Commissar, I appreciate it.

 

Also, concerning the negative mutations, I don't have many ideas right now concerning it, just what i've added. If anyone has any ideas it'd be nice to see them.

[Brother Cap'n]

This is in reply to your PM :D

I love the motto, very well thought out. The mutations are a good idea as they add a little worry for the chapters future and makes you want to find out more. Although this does draw you in it becomes a bit of a set back as most chapters would be in dire straits if this happened. You could go back to whole mutation idea and think of something different like, some marines would be able to jump much greater distances because of increased bone and muscle growth in the legs etc. otherwise it just sounds a bit too much like the Black Dragons.

So far it is indeed an excellent read but, if there is one thing that I think you could change it's the colour of the armour. I'm not saying it's a bad one (I quite like it actually) but it doesn't really suit the name of the chapter. If you're fixed on it though that's ok but you could just add a bit more black and a little less red.

BC

[Dazzo]

Before the marines attacked the force from behind, it was reported that a battle-brother merely whispered "Through the shadow and fire...we previal..." before the Eldar force was forced into retreating through the webway at the sudden flank attack.

Thats a little to melodramatic for my tastes, you have the battlecry in the battle cry section, I think thats enough.

 

Huntus Dragonus :blush: errr sounds like youve just taken 2 words and stuck us on the end in an effort to make it sound high gothic, how about Secuutus Draconis where secuutus means persuer or follow

Venator/venatorius Draconis dragon hunter.

 

Other than that its good stuff, I really like the name aswell B)

[Brother-Karid]

Dazzo - I've been working on changes little by little, especially with things like names. I like your idea with Venator/venatorius Draconis. When me and my friend originally came up with the name it was a couple years ago and we didn't know anything about latin. But thanks, I appreciate it.

 

Brother Cap'n - Thanks for taking the time to look at it. The paint scheme I tend not to mess with, the actual colors are darker on my models, so ill probably re make it to fit it a little more. I'm pretty much set on the paintscheme though.

 

What I'm working on is an alternate paint scheme for the eleventh company, not completely sure what it'll be though.

[Guest Mordray]

IIRC the mantis legion/warriors had the time slow trick (actually an acceleration of the individual) save that they couldn't turn it off... sure it made the warriors that used it virtually unstoppable for a few moments to minutes (varied from warrior to warrior) but it placed so much stress on their bodies that they burned out and died because of it. Because of that considerable downside the mantis legion warriors would only have used it under dire circumstances (such as being unable to survived anyways.

 

 

edit: Something you might want to consider, it looks like you've got the beginnings of a caste system based on home world. You note that most of your chapter is recruited from one world while the majority of psykers and leaders come from other worlds. I personally have caste systems in the past on works but they were usually decided by skill and ability after a certain age not ethnic origins but if you played it up right you could have an interesting source of character development within the chapter beyond the usual gene-seed and fighting styles that seems to prevail many of the DIY's I've encountered.

[Brother-Karid]

I've looked at it and I'm starting to change it around a little, still working on it. Thanks for the comment.

 

I've also changed where their homeworld is located, and fixed a few errors I found. Could still use some comments.

 

~Brother-Karid

[Santos Imperator]

I like the ideas, Karid. The honor system really strikes me- perhaps you should work that in more with the army. For instance, the more works a brother performs, the more he is rewarded, sort of like the Neophytes of the Black Templars. This could easily be represented in game terms as well, at least to my understanding.

 

Just an idea I had. The others who have commented so far are more qualified than I to judge the origins and beliefs you have put forth, and the points they bring up already are certainly valid.

[Brother-Karid]

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I have been thinking about a system like that, but so far I haven't come up with anything.

 

More feedback would be appreciated.

[Brother-Karid]

I haven't been on in a while, but anyway. I am still looking for feedback on my chapter, I have made some changes and instead of making a new topic I figured I would try one more time to get some more on this one.

 

~Karid

[Brother-Karid]

I am curious, can I make changes and repost this in a second thread or would that be considered the same? No one else is giving critique and its probably time to make significant changes.

[Ferrata]

As long as there is significant change, I'm okay with a new thread as long as the old thread has been down for a while.

[Octavulg]

If you make significant changes, we can mess about with them here just as easily...

[Brother-Karid]

After an extremely long hiatus I am returning a measure of my attention back to my chapter. I have been a little busy and its been difficult for me to get on. I have made little changes to the beliefs and completely redone the honor system before posting this, when I have more time i'll streamline it a little more.

[Brother-Karid]

The honor system has been changed, more will be made later.