Decimators V2

[Sigismund Himself]

Note: The Land Raider Gladius was the earliest kind of LR if my memory is right. The first ones that they used in the Heresy. They couldn't have Terminators in them. Try searching for it.

[Brother Cambrius]

Nope, that was the Spartan you're thinking of Sig. :rolleyes: Apart from that how does it look so far? What would you suggest I should add to it?

 

Cambrius

[Octavulg]

OK...as a temporary auxilia to Sigismund, here's my greatly prolonged shredding of it. Don't take it personally. I love you like a brother.

 

* * *

 

Name: Decimators

 

Heh. I remember these guys.

 

The Decimators bear a long history of bringing justice onto the enemies of the Imperium.

 

This is a flawed sentence, and rather confused grammatically. A better version might be "The Decimators have a long history of bringing justice to the enemies of the Imperium." Though that makes it sound kind of like they're bringing good government and straight roads. Even better might be "The Decimators have a long history of executing justice upon the enemies of the Imperium."

 

The Decimators had soon created a great tally of victories against the xenos and heretics and were declared after 122 years of tutoring under the Iron Fists and fighting alongside other chapters as their strength built, as a fully fledged chapter.

 

The little ending bit belongs nearer the front. Also, you accrue a tally, you don't create one. Creating it makes it sound like thet just made it up on the spot, rather than slowly building it.

 

"The Decimators had soon accrued a great tally of victories against xenos and heretics, and were declared to be a fully-fledged chapter after 122 years under the Iron Fists' tutelage."

 

To fully declare the chapter as being independent, Chapter Master Grevius declared a crusade against the Orks that were plaguing the important systems of the Nexus ring, nearby Kairus and contained many agri-worlds and forge-worlds.

 

You can't partly declare something. Thus, he'd be commemorating their independence, or reinforcing their independence. Or some other, similar, term.

 

Also, the bit about nearby Kairus is poorly structured. You could mean that Kairus was close to the Nexus Ring, in which case you should say 'near', not 'nearby'. If you mean something else, explain what. :D

 

Also, the bit about agri-worlds and forge worlds should be 'which contained' or just flat out 'containing'. No and is necessary (or wise).

 

The fledgling chapter demonstrated great dedication in their cleansing of the Ork menace, saving the system from what the Collegia Tactica would have deemed a great tragedy and loss to the Imperium.

 

This is an odd way to put it. It makes it sound like the Orks are a "great tragedy and loss to the Imperium". Perhaps: "saving the system from a fate that the Collegia Tactica would have called a great tragedy and loss to the Imperium."

 

It still sounds weird, but at least it's clear that the loss isn't the Orks themselves, but what they would do.

 

Also, they're no longer a fledgling chapter, since they've already been declared fully-fledged.

 

Their time as a fully-fledged chapter had begun, crusade after crusade proved their zeal and courage to fight for the Emperor and Ferrus, facing off many enemies such as the ruinous powers of Chaos on Gravok and against the sadistic Dark Eldar pirates who were striking terror raids throughout the Si-run cluster.

 

This sentence is incredibly long. Also, you're missing a few words and the structure is odd. Not to mention if you use any variation of the word fledge again, the IA will probably implode. It's a metaphor, dammit, stop overstraining it.

 

Perhaps: "Their full service to the Emperor had begun. Crusade after crusade proved their courage and zeal to fight for the Emperor and for Ferrus, facing enemies like the Ruinous Hordes of Gravok and the sadistic Dark Eldar pirates of the Si-run Cluster."

 

Enemies of the Imperium began to fear the sight of the Decimators and it is rumoured that squads of enemies simply executed themselves rather than face the fury of the Decimators, but these accounts were extremely rare, where the enemy had already been low on morale.

 

It kinda kills the impact when you explain how extreme and rare something is moments after first introducing it.

 

Also, as per usual, the structure is weak.

 

Try: "The enemies of the Imperium began to fear even the sight of the chapter. It is rumoured that some enemies simply killed themselves rather then face the fury of the Decimators."

 

Around 80 years after the chapter were declared as a fully-fledged chapter they came across a newfound xenos the Sharom who were deemed a threat to the Imperium after invading the noble-world of Tranquis.

 

Gah! Too much fledging!

 

Also, the sentence structure is weak.

 

Try: Around eighty years after the Decimators were declared fully-operational, they came across a new alien race - the Sharom. The Sharom were deemed a high-priority threat after they launched an invasion of the noble-world of Tranquis.

 

The Decimators were ordered to destroy the xenos before they could cause any more problems to the all ready stretched system, as many of their units had left to bolster the Eye of Terror as a new Black Crusade by the Despoiler was expected to begin.

 

Sentence. Weak.

 

"Many of Tranquis' defense units had left to bolster the forces near the Eye of Terror, as one of the Despoiler's Black Crusades was anticipated. The Decimators were ordered to destroy the xenos before they could trouble the Tranquis system any more."

 

The Sharom were great war-like beasts with clumps of white fur dispersed on their grey hides around their chest and head.

 

"The Sharom were great, war-like beasts with grey hides, and clumps of white fur dispersed around their chests and heads."

 

The way you have it written, it technically says that the hides are around their chest and head, and the fur is dispersed on that. This wars in the mind with the fact that you obviously don't mean that, and thus creates confusion.

 

They were a xenos race built upon brute strength that carry blunt weapons of power and force, the most common being a stone club, which was able to conduct electricity through it and could kill a squad of marines with ease after a few well placed swings.

 

Stone doesn't conduct electricity. And killing a squad of marines would logically take about ten swings, which is more than a few. And marine armor is probably hardened to deal with shocks of electricity. If it even conducts electricity, which isn't a given - ceramite could well be a ceramic compound, which would thus mean it doesn't conduct electricity at all.

 

Also, sentence structure.

 

"They were a race built upon precepts of strength, who carried blunt weapons of surprising power and force. The most common of these was a stone club which somehow could conduct electricity. With one of these clubs, a Sharom could kill a squad of marines with only a few well-placed swings."

 

The Tech priests confiscated the weapons after the crusade and it is unknown what has happened to them since.

 

Not every campaign in the Imperium is a Crusade. Some are just campaigns. Some are missions. Some are battles. Crusades are usually large groups of several different military organizations working together toward a common (usually large-scale) goal.

 

It was clear that the race had to be annihilated before they began to invade more nearby Imperial systems and spread its xenos filth.

 

A race is a plural organization, and thus not an "it".

 

"It was clear that the Sharom had to be annihilated before they could invade more Imperial systems and spread their xeno filth."

 

* * *

OK, I'm running out of quote tags. Below are the problems with the rest of the IA (aside from the grammatical).

 

 

How do they know where the Sharom world is? All of a sudden they just decide to go there.

 

You blow up an entire race with a few bombs? An entire RACE? Plus, they invaded Tranquis - what about the Sharom in the invasion force - were they wiped out or what?

 

How did a group of Space Marines sneak through an enemy city so entirely undetected when the enemy is at war with these marines and they look so radically different? And wouldn't such a heavy bombardment have destroyed the access to the cities?

 

Getting blown up under a mountain is not something you survive. If you do survive it, you have to be dug out - you don't get blasted clear.

 

Overall, the Sharom don't really add anything to the chapter. They're just a way to get the chapter master en-dreadnaughted and an excuse to have your marines be well-supplied. The chapter doesn't learn from fighting them, or really change - they just annihilate them (it's not even very hard) and move on. An IA is supposed to be the critical, formative experiences of a chapter. This doesn't seem to qualify.

 

Forge-worlds are the property of the Adeptus Mechanicus, and thus not likely to be making alliances with Space Marine chapters willy-nilly.

 

We've never even heard of the Chalice Knights and all of a sudden they're the Decimators' brothers? This is far, far too quick a development. You need to lay some groundwork, first. As-is, they're the Decimators brother chapter because you say so - and that's not really enough to provoke any real investment on the part of the reader. Especially when it comes out of left field.

 

Harum serves as chapter master for over a millenium? The eldest chapter master in the Imperium is Dante of the Blood Angels, who is eleven hundred years old TOTAL, IIRC. Furthermore, the Blood Angels live about two or three times as long as other marines - so your chapter master living so long is completely out of the question.

 

The Chalice Knights turn with no provocation and no apparent reason. It just seems that you wanted it to happen, so it happened. There needs to be some kind of justification for such things. Furthermore, a chapter turning to Chaos is often the subject of an entire IA - you're trying to pack it into a tiny part of a larger IA, and the subject and the IA suffer greatly for it.

 

The stuff about the message and the captain of the sixth is wholly unnecessary. All you need is the bit where the frigate escapes.

 

If a warp storm is in progress, warp travel is impossible.

 

Also, the Nova Falcon's appearance is utterly random, and doesn't seem to be particularly necessary. Why have them at all?

 

Why'd the Chalice Knights change their name? Just change what the Chalice symbolizes. After all, they didn't change their colors. And I think a Chaos chapter named the Chalice Knights might be kind of neat.

 

Space marines don't use contractions, dammit! They're formal little devils, stiff of upper lip and with an adamantium rod up their spines.

 

Methinks Space Marines would have seen far more horrible things than a few skinned dead people. Also, the idea of being able to pick out a single human on a ship the size of any ship in the 40K universe is laughable.

 

Fleets don't charge. They close.

 

Since the chapter would only have twenty ships at the most, the term 'massive' for losses seems excessive. Where'd the Forsaken Warriors get all these ships, anyway - their own ships would be normal SM ones, and surely the Chaotic ones would have already been confronted during the Crusade.

 

Oh, a whole company of Nova Falcons would logically be on a Strike Cruiser, not a Battle Barge. Battle Barges can hold three companies, and thus would likely have at least two on board.

 

The virus bombs and such are a complete and utter deus ex machina, and not a particularly clever one. As usual, it comes out of nowhere, and thus nobody cares (or particularly believes it).

 

It could be argued that virus bombs wouldn't detonate without being properly activated. I certainly would build them that way, if it were me.

 

Harmun is so full of hatred it ought to be running out his damn ears.

 

They can't flee, there's a warp storm on.

 

Virus bombs make a planet uninhabitable for a long time. Harmun wouldn't be wondering around on it in hours or days.

 

Virus bombs - kill marines in power armor, but for some reason leave geneseed vaults untouched. No arbitrariness there.

 

The idea that flesh is weak has been stated to not necessarily be tied to the Iron hands geneseed. Also, explain WHY they believe these things. Whys are important. They make an IA. They are critical. You have next to none.

 

The belief that flesh is weak wouldn't exactly be a mutation, in any case.

 

* * *

 

The writing is flawed - your sentence structure and composition needs serious work. A word of advice - read it aloud. If it doesn't sound quite right, try and think about how it should sound. This is a long-term project - it needs to be very good, not just OK. That includes the writing.

 

Furthermore, a large portion of the IA is details of battles - details which could be incredibly condensed. They make the IA a chore to read, as does the poor sentence structure. The IA is 3500 words long, and feels like twice that most of the time.

 

Rework the writing, and think carefully about whether the battles really need to be as involved as they are. Blow-by-blow descriptions of combat really aren't that interesting, and wise writers tend to avoid them. They're especially uninteresting if there's no emotional investment in the characters - and the Decimators have little or no personality for us to like (or dislike - which is still emotional investment).

 

Add more personality, and less doing stuff. It's a character study of a chapter, not their history. You should tell us about the chapter, not tell us about what the chapter did. Or does. You know what I mean.

[Brother Cambrius]

Thanks for standing in for Sig Octavulg. I'll have a read through your comments and make some well needed adjustments to the article. I'm currently adding a section on the recruitment of the chapter so there's going to be some freshly baked Decimator goodness very soon.

 

Cambirus