IA: Iron Raptors

[Heru]

Index Astartes: Wings of Iron

Iron Raptors

Name: Iron Raptors
Gene-Seed: Iron Hands
Founding: 7th
Base of Operations: The Mobile Space Fortress Dominance

Origins

T

he origins of the the Iron Raptors lie ten years before the 7th Founding, when a Imperial Monarch's taskforce led by Battle Captian Sorus was ambushed on the world of Dekaldy and wiped out by the Chaos worshipping Blood Kings Renegade Chapter. Fortunately, the Blood Kings did not bother to check that Sorus was completely dead before they departed the planet with their unknown prize. Lying in a coma on the cold earth, Sorus' body slowly healed itself like only an Astartes body could, and during this time Sorus was gifted with a vision from the Emperor. When Sorus was finally healed enough to wake, his first action was to activate a beacon that would summon his Chapter to collect the dead, and his discarded armour. Swathed in a dirty hooded cloak, he then travelled to the nearest settlement, left untouched by the Blood Kings, who were too pre-occupied with their hidden agenda. There, Sorus booked a transport off world; he had no intention to return to his Chapter just yet, as he was on a quest given to him by the Emperor.

The Vision

He saw himself swathed in rags, wandering amongst dim stars, until he came upon six bright stars. These stars turned into six battling beasts, amongst them a great kestral. The kestral turned from the fight and flew onto his chest, and he became the kestrel, the other beasts then turned upon him. One by one the beasts disappeared until only a great boar remained. He fought the boar, and during the fight the boar turned into a world, and upon that world shone a familiar yet ancient feeling light. He was pulled towards this light which settled in his talons, and he was once more pulled into the heavens. There he saw a red orb with the symbol of the Adeptus Mechanicus emblazoned upon it. He traveled to this orb and the light from his talons dropped upon it, then from the orb sprung a thousand metallic birds. These birds and he then spread into the stars towards more familiar lights.

It took three years for Sorus to reach his ultimate destination, participating in many battles on the side of the Emperor along the way. From the Raeki Incursions alongside the Dark Angels, to the Borika Uprisings, he fought in the Emperor's name. He fought until he came to the Lemora star cluster, which had long since been forgotten, having been lost to its original inhabitants during the Horus Heresy shortly after an Iron Hands taskforce had fought hard to bring it into compliance. The Lemora star cluster was controlled by a human warrior culture that had settled there shortly before the Age of Strife. The Lemorians were advanced enough to be able to travel between the six inhabitable star systems, each controlled by a Clan. These Clans were the Kestalla, Moash, Heron, Tavor, Carruth and Voranik. The Clans were warring factions who had spent much of their time fighting with each other, only when Lemora was threatened from without did the Clans ally together to repulse the invaders before falling back into their old habits.

The Lemorians as a warrior people had learned to respect the Iron Hands who defeated them back in the days of the Great Crusade, for the they respected great warriors. It was here that Sorus fought alongside the Clan Kestalla in the bitter Clan wars, earning respect as a great warrior and even being accepted as a member of the Clan. Before the Lemorian priests he was gifted with his Honour name that would replace his original name; he became Varaconn, meaning "of the Iron Wings," and upon his chest was tattooed a great metal falcon, with wings spread, and talons raised for attack. Many were the Honour tattoos that Varaconn recieved during his time with the Kestalla House, and eventually he was even elevated to the position of House Mundokiir meaning "Heart of Crushed Garnet, the Eye of Fury," which made him the Clan General in charge of its entire military strength. This also made him one of the three most important members of the Clan, the others being the Thurokiir meaning "Obsidian Heart, the Arbiter of Reckoning," who was the spiritual leader and guardian of the Clan's honour, and the Clan Head, who was the defacto hereditary political leader of the entire Clan, in charge of everything not covered by the positions of the Mundokiir and Thurokiir.

For a year Varaconn led Clan Kestalla's military efforts, rebuilding the Clan's status as the dominant military faction in the Lemora star cluster. On the Moash homeworld Varaconn led his warriors, fighting their way into the Great Moash vault were Varaconn finally came upon the prize his vision had spoke of: a complete STC template. Returning to the Kestalla homeworld Varaconn gave up his position as Mundokiir, before sending a message to his Brothers in the Imperial Monarchs, asking them to meet him on Mars. With fond farewells Varaconn left Kestalla on the long journey to Mars.

On Mars, the Thunder Monarch was waiting for him. He was not suprised to see the Battle Captain alive, for the Shadow Monarch, Chief Librarian of the Imperial Monarchs, had consulted the Emperor's Tarrot when the Battle Captain's armour had been recovered along with the bodies of the taskforce he led. The tarrot had told the Shadow Monarch that the Battle Captain was on a mission of the Emperor's and would return to them once more in nine years. Varaconn told the Thunder Monarch of his vision, and showed him the STC template, before telling him what must come next.

Together the two officers were granted audience with the Fabricator General of Mars himself. There Varaconn presented the Fabricator General with the STC template and told him of the vision given to him by the Emperor.

The seventh Founding was a year away, already having been declared by the High Lords, who would spend the time following the declaration deciding how many Chapters were to be created, which Geneseed would be used, and which Chapters would provide the initial Command Cadres to the new Foundlings. The Fabricator General took the two Marines before the High Lords, where Varaconn spoke to them of the vision, of his experiences with and away from his Chapter, and of the recovery of the STC template. The High Lords debated for many hours before finally coming to a decision, one which the Fabricator General's vote in Varaconn's favour weighed heavily. The Imperial Monarchs would provide the Geneseed, as well as the Command Cadre needed to create a new Chapter in the Seventh Founding. Varaconn would lead this new Chapter, whose mission would be to find and recover anything relating to STC technologies, from constructs to templates.

- Homeworld Bound -

http://hl.udogs.net/files/Uploads/%20User%20Uploads/Horus

Chapter Badge

[Hubernator]

Good start. Punctuation needs to be checked accordingly though. Looking forward to the rest :P

 

By the way what is an STC??

[Heru]

Good start. Punctuation needs to be checked accordingly though. Looking forward to the rest :P

If I was any good at punctuation it would be good off the bat :)

 

 

By the way what is an STC??

Standard Template Construct. For example the Land Raider chasis is a Standard Template Construct, as is the Rhino chasis (which is why it is used so often for so many vehicles). There will be a STC sidebar in the article later on.

[BrotherDamascus]

a great IA Heru Talon - i really like your style of writing :P

 

your colour scheme is genious - its simple, yet it isn't...very clever :P

 

oh, and your chapter badge is amazing :)

 

keep it up mate, i look forward to reading the rest!

[Hubernator]

If I was any good at punctuation it would be good off the bat :unsure:

;) No-one is brilliant at punctuation and spelling. Mine's quite bad.

 

Standard Template Construct. For example the Land Raider chasis is a Standard Template Construct, as is the Rhino chasis (which is why it is used so often for so many vehicles). There will be a STC sidebar in the article later on.

Ahhhh. Gotcha. Cheers.

[Heru]

Ok time to get at least one of these monsters sorted out. What I would like help with just now is salvaging what is currently posted in the first post (ie so it is at least readable and grammatically correct).

[RagingGriffon]

I LOL'd when Hubernator asked, "what is an STC?"

 

The whole thing is readable. I'm sure where you want? Do you want critiques on this IA? Do you want suggestions on where to go, etc? I have a few misgivings about a whole Chapter whose sole purpose is go find STC related tems, though. However, I don't want to get the red-ink pen out if you plan on changing this.

[Ace Debonair]

On Mars, Zaborg the Thunder Monarch was awaiting him. He was not suprised to see the Battle Captain alive, for Kuraz the Light Monarch, Chief Librarian of the Imperial Monarchs had consulted the Emperor's Tarrot when the Battle Captain's armour had been recovered along with the bodies of the taskforce he led. The tarrot had told the Kuraz that the Battle Captain was on a mission of the Emperor's and would return to them once more in nine years. Varaconn told Zaborg of his vision, and showed him the STC template telling him what must come next.

 

This here smacked my suspension of disbelief right up the face. At least mix those names up a bit, dude. :P

I like a game of Yu-gi-oh as much as the next guy, but that's a little bit too strong of a homage for my tastes. :P

 

How about Zaruk and Gorbaz instead? ;)

 

Apart from that, I didn't see any glaring errors, and it reads pretty well. A good start!

[Heru]

I LOL'd when Hubernator asked, "what is an STC?"

 

The whole thing is readable. I'm sure where you want? Do you want critiques on this IA? Do you want suggestions on where to go, etc?

I want an English teacher / equivalent to help me sort the grammar, and just sort the mess out. :lol:

 

I have a few misgivings about a whole Chapter whose sole purpose is go find STC related tems, though.

Primary mission, like the Dark Angels "hunt the Fallen" except less sneaky. The kind of "drop everything on a rumour" mission.

 

On Mars, Zaborg the Thunder Monarch was awaiting him. He was not surprised to see the Battle Captain alive, for Kuraz the Light Monarch, Chief Librarian of the Imperial Monarchs had consulted the Emperor's Tarot when the Battle Captain's armour had been recovered along with the bodies of the taskforce he led. The tarot had told the Kuraz that the Battle Captain was on a mission of the Emperor's and would return to them once more in nine years. Varaconn told Zaborg of his vision, and showed him the STC template telling him what must come next.

 

This here smacked my suspension of disbelief right up the face. At least mix those names up a bit, dude. :lol:

I like a game of Yu-gi-oh as much as the next guy, but that's a little bit too strong of a homage for my tastes. :lol:

 

How about Zaruk and Gorbaz instead? :D

 

Apart from that, I didn't see any glaring errors, and it reads pretty well. A good start!

I was wondering when someone would spot that*. I actually think instead I'll just drop the actual names and call them "Thunder Monarch" and "Light Monarch" for the Iron Raptors IA.

 

 

* = The Monarchs inspired the non-Codex formation of the Imperial Monarchs (which isn't really important to the Iron Raptor's IA). Not that big on Yugi-oh, but those Monarchs are cool.

[Ace Debonair]

I was wondering when someone would spot that*. I actually think instead I'll just drop the actual names and call them "Thunder Monarch" and "Light Monarch" for the Iron Raptors IA.

 

 

* = The Monarchs inspired the non-Codex formation of the Imperial Monarchs (which isn't really important to the Iron Raptor's IA). Not that big on Yugi-oh, but those Monarchs are cool.

 

Yeah, that works. ;)

Those monarch guys are pretty cool-looking, too. :lol:

[Shinzaren]

Index Astartes: Wings of Iron

Iron Raptors

Name: Iron Raptors

Gene-Seed: Iron Hands

Founding: 7th

Base of Operations: The Mobile Space Fortress Dominance

Origins

T

he origins of the the Iron Raptors lie ten years before the 7th Founding, when a Imperial Monarch's taskforce led by Battle Captian Sorus was ambushed on the world of Dekaldy and wiped out by the Chaos worshipping Blood Kings Renegade Chapter. Fortunately, the Blood Kings did not bother to check that Sorus was completely dead before they departed the planet with their unknown prize. Lying in a coma on the cold earth, Sorus' body slowly healed itself like only an Astartes body could, and during this time Sorus was gifted with a vision from the Emperor. When Sorus was finally healed enough to wake, his first action was to activate a beacon that would summon his Chapter to collect the dead, and his discarded armour. Swathed in a dirty hooded cloak, he then travelled to the nearest settlement, left untouched by the Blood Kings, who were too pre-occupied with their hidden agenda. There, Sorus booked a transport off world; he had no intention to return to his Chapter just yet, as he was on a quest given to him by the Emperor.

http://hl.udogs.net/files/Uploads/%20User%20Uploads/Horus

Chapter Badge

It took three years for Sorus to reach his ultimate destination, participating in many battles on the side of the Emperor along the way. From the Raeki Incursions alongside the Dark Angels, to the Borika Uprisings, he fought in the Emperor's name. He fought until he came to the Lemora star cluster, which had long since been forgotten, having been lost to its original inhabitants during the Horus Heresy shortly after an Iron Hands taskforce had fought hard to bring it into compliance. The Lemora star cluster was controlled by a human warrior culture that had settled there shortly before the Age of Strife. The Lemorians were advanced enough to be able to travel between the six inhabitable star systems, each controlled by a Clan. These Clans were the Kestalla, Moash, Heron, Tavor, Carruth and Voranik. The Clans were warring factions who had spent much of their time fighting with each other, only when Lemora was threatened from without did the Clans ally together to repulse the invaders before falling back into their old habits.

The Lemorians as a warrior people had learned to respect the Iron Hands who defeated them back in the days of the Great Crusade, for the they respected great warriors. It was here that Sorus fought alongside the Clan Kestalla in the bitter Clan wars, earning respect as a great warrior and even being accepted as a member of the Clan. Before the Lemorian priests he was gifted with his Honour name that would replace his original name; he became Varaconn, meaning "of the Iron Wings," and upon his chest was tattooed a great metal, falcon with wings spread and talons raised for attack. Many were the Honour tattoos that Varaconn recieved during his time with the Kestalla House,and eventually he was even elevated to the position of House Mundokiir meaning "Heart of Crushed Garnet, the Eye of Fury," which made him the Clan General in charge of its entire military strength. This also made him one of the three most important members of the Clan, the others being the Thurokiir meaning "Obsidian Heart, the Arbiter of Reckoning," who was the spiritual leader and guardian of the Clan's honour, and the Clan Head, who was the defacto hereditary political leader of the entire Clan, in charge of everything not covered by the positions of the Mundokiir and Thurokiir.

For a year Varaconn led Clan Kestalla's military efforts, rebuilding the Clan's status as the dominant military faction in the Lemora star cluster. On the Moash homeworld Varaconn led his warriors, fighting their way into the Great Moash vault were Varaconn finally came upon the prize his vision had spoke of: a complete STC template. Returning to the Kestalla homeworld Varaconn gave up his position as Mundokiir, before sending a message to his Brothers in the Imperial Monarchs, asking them to meet him on Mars. With fond farewells Varaconn left Kestalla on the long journey to Mars.

On Mars, Zaborg the Thunder Monarch was waiting for him. He was not suprised to see the Battle Captain alive, for Kuraz the Light Monarch, Chief Librarian of the Imperial Monarchs, had consulted the Emperor's Tarrot when the Battle Captain's armour had been recovered along with the bodies of the taskforce he led. The tarrot had told the Kuraz that the Battle Captain was on a mission of the Emperor's and would return to them once more in nine years. Varaconn told Zaborg of his vision, and showed him the STC template, before telling him what must come next.

Together the two officers were granted audience with the Fabricator General of Mars himself. There Varaconn presented the Fabricator General with the STC template and told him of his vision given to him by the Emperor -

"That he would travel across the realm of the Emperor fighting in his name, until he came upon the stars of six Clans. There he would become one with the Clan which bore a Kestrel upon it's flag. He would earn respect and honour, until the time came that he recovered an artifact long lost. With this artifact he would return to the red planet and speak with the Lord of the children of the Omnissiah, who would take him before the Lords of the Emperor's realm; who would gift him with one thousand Iron Raptors in the 7th Great Genesis, along with the goal of seeking out more lost artifacts."

The seventh Founding was a year away, already having been declared by the High Lords, who would spend the time following the declaration deciding how many Chapters were to be created, which Geneseed would be used, and which Chapters would provide the initial Command Cadres to the new Foundlings. The Fabricator General took the two Marines before the High Lords, where Varaconn spoke to them of the vision, of his experiences with and away from his Chapter, and of the recovery of the STC template. The High Lords debated for many hours before finally coming to a decision, one which the Fabricator General's vote in Varaconn's favour weighed heavily. The Imperial Monarchs would provide the Geneseed, as well as the Command Cadre needed to create a new Chapter in the Seventh Founding. Varaconn would lead this new Chapter, whose mission would be to find and recover anything relating to STC technologies, from constructs to templates.

- Homeworld Bound -

That is a quick editing of the grammar. Mostly you seem to be having a hard time staying in tense, straying from past to present tense randomly. I also added a bit of punctuation, and cleaned up some of the sentence structure. You're welcome to use/disregard everything haha, just thought I would see if I could help :huh:

EDIT: Now that I am rereading it for content and not grammar, my only comment is that his vision from the Emperor is very very detailed, with everything being clearly explained, down to him getting his own chapter, what it would be called, and what their goal would be. Perhaps a little vagueness wouldn't hurt?

[Heru]

That is a quick editing of the grammar. Mostly you seem to be having a hard time staying in tense, straying from past to present tense randomly. I also added a bit of punctuation, and cleaned up some of the sentence structure. You're welcome to use/disregard everything haha, just thought I would see if I could help ;)

No that looks good, and I've edited the main post with your changes.

 

EDIT: Now that I am rereading it for content and not grammar, my only comment is that his vision from the Emperor is very very detailed, with everything being clearly explained, down to him getting his own chapter, what it would be called, and what their goal would be. Perhaps a little vagueness wouldn't hurt?

I know, just before I bumped the thread back up, I tried to figure out what I would do with that particular bit. I'll try to see if I can re-write it.

[Shinzaren]

Perhaps the vision goes something like this.

 

"He was given a vision by the Emperor. His vision showed him wandering, until he came to a cluster of worlds. There, he saw a Kestrel battling five other 'XXXXX'. The Kestrel fought them off and turned to him, before flying to one of the worlds. There, he saw a great Light, Red, colored like the Adepts of Mars. The Light flew from the planet, dragging him along with it. The Light reached Mars, where he saw it being absorbed by the Red Planet. As he watched, the Kestrel returned, flying up from the Red Planet, but it was not alone. A thousand metallic birds flew behind it, spreading across the galaxy, finding more Red Lights, and returning them to the Red Planet."

[Heru]

Perhaps the vision goes something like this.

 

"He was given a vision by the Emperor. His vision showed him wandering, until he came to a cluster of worlds. There, he saw a Kestrel battling five other 'XXXXX'. The Kestrel fought them off and turned to him, before flying to one of the worlds. There, he saw a great Light, Red, colored like the Adepts of Mars. The Light flew from the planet, dragging him along with it. The Light reached Mars, where he saw it being absorbed by the Red Planet. As he watched, the Kestrel returned, flying up from the Red Planet, but it was not alone. A thousand metallic birds flew behind it, spreading across the galaxy, finding more Red Lights, and returning them to the Red Planet."

I don't know there is just something that doesn't feel right about it. It's better than the original for sure but still...

 

So I tried doing something along the same lines, though it's even longer and probably worse in many respects...

 

"He saw himself swathed in rags, wandering amongst dim stars, until he came upon six bright stars. These stars turned into six battling beasts, amongst them a great kestral. The kestral turned from the fight and flew onto his chest, and he became the kestrel, the other beasts then turned upon him. One by one the beasts disappeared until only a great boar remained. He fought the boar, and during the fight the boar turned into a world, and upon that world shone a familiar yet ancient feeling light. He was pulled towards this light which settled in his talons, and he was once more pulled into the heavens. There he saw a red orb with the symbol of the Adeptus Mechanicus emblazoned upon it. He traveled to this orb and the light from his talons dropped upon it, then from the orb sprung a thousand metallic birds. These birds and he then spread into the stars towards more familiar lights."

[Shinzaren]

I like yours. I didn't know the other symbols of the tribes and stuff, so yours seems much more... involving? I think its a solid vision, very vague and prophetic, with just the right amount of detail. I think it works for sure.

[Heru]

I like yours. I didn't know the other symbols of the tribes and stuff, so yours seems much more... involving? I think its a solid vision, very vague and prophetic, with just the right amount of detail. I think it works for sure.

But the question is does it fit in that space in the IA?

 

Hmm.

[Shinzaren]

But the question is does it fit in that space in the IA?

 

Hmm.

 

Sidebar it! In the IA, say he had described his vision to the Fabricator General, but don't describe it. Then, make a sidebar titled: The Vision. Then you have a reasonable place to put that. Just my two cents.

[Heru]

Good idea. I've edited the main article to include the new sidebar.