Golden Defenders

[The 13th Goat]

There is a scheme like yours called the Hammers Of Dorn, originally designed by artist Clint Langley. Registered on the Lexicanum, here's a pic i found:

 

Terminators

http://wh40k.lexicanum.de/mediawiki/images/3/3d/HoD_Termis.jpg

 

Whilst your scheme is different, it is very close theirs. Parallels could be drawn............

[Telveryon]

If you wish to compare paint schemes, use the same type of armor.

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d57/Blackmagev/Space%20Marines/GD_DarkGoldTer.jpg

 

Moreover, there are at least another black and gold chapter out there but I'm not going to change the paint scheme because of that, I like it too much the way it is.

 

PS: I've added a bit more stuff.

[The 13th Goat]

It wasn't a dig, i like the scheme. Just making you aware of it, thats all.

[Telveryon]

Sorry if I sounded a bit jumpy. But color scheme isn't usually the criteria by which one draws parallels between two chapters, it's usually the names.

 

I've more or less finished writing the preliminary article, please feel free to criticize any the metric ton of issues it likely has!

[Octavulg]

Battle Brother of the Golden Defenders

 

A minor nitpick, but isn't painting the neck like that a colossal pain in the behind?

 

They draw their gene seed from Guilliman's stock by way of their Silver Skulls progenitors.

 

Where are the Silver Skulls confirmed to be Guilliman's descendants, exactly?

 

In their over 5 millennia of service, the Golden Defenders have earned a reputation for their ruthless pursuit of Humanity's survival. There are those that dread their arrival, other give praise to the Emperor for it. But all know that where the Golden Defenders thread there will be a steep price in lives to be payed. Yet many take heard at the fact that while many Imperial lives will be lost, the enemy will pay tenfold.

 

You need to work on your spelling. In order: tread, paid, heart. Homonyms are a litle tricky.

 

But the the disagreements between the Mechanicum and the Golden Defenders became even more tense when the latter were able to salvage an ancient battle barge from a hulk that drifted in their system. The Mechanicus demanded that the ship be released into their custody so the it could be studied, the Astartes promptly refused choosing instead to restore the ship for their own use. What made the ship important was the presence of a powerful turret mounded lance battery but even more important was the the vox array capable of jamming or boosting any man made vox system.

 

The Machanicus did not let this refusal go unanswered and accused the Golden Defenders of having a corrupted gene seed and being late in their delivery of the gene seed tithes. Following several inquisitorial inquiries the purity of the chapter's gene seed was put to rest when gene seed extracted directly from a battle brother was tested by the sisters of the Order Hospitaller. The latter accusation was dropped when the Golden Defenders began to divert their ships bearing the gene sen tithes through a known Inquisitorial system.

 

The relations between the Golden Defenders and the Mechanicus have remained strained yet the hostility gas mellowed somewhat after the Golden Defenders aided in the defense of a Forgeworld from chaos raiders. Though the marines refused to set foot on the planet's surface, their actions in orbit did much towards denying the raiders reinforcements and eventually stranding them there thus preventing major damage to the Forgeworld.

 

This bit is a little weak. I'd omit the bit about the ship (feels like you're trying to grab shiny stuff for your chapter). Plus, how would SoBs know a damn thing about gene seed?

 

And it's far more interesting to not have them reconciled.

 

Many have accused the Golden Defenders of being arrogant or glory seekers because of their willingness to sacrifice the lives of others to achieve their own ends. But the marines ignore such accusations for every war they take part in is a war that will benefit humanity and every battle they fight is a battle to further such wars. Indeed, there have been times when the Golden Defenders were content to concede a battle that little overall strategical value, only to fight all the harder when they did.

 

Personally, I'd see accusations of cruelty, callousness or inhumanity being more likely than glory-seeking. Though arrogance fits.

 

This somewhat divergent structure is due to the dual mission. The Golden Defenders see themselves as guardians of humanity and as such they will answer any request for aid they can thus the chapter has been seen in almost every corner of the Imperium during its history. But they have also been tasked to defend the Amercius sub-sector and as such they are required to always maintain a presence there. Since the battle companies are the ones that are usually sent to face the threats beyond the Amercius sub-sector's borders, it falls to the reserve companies to watch over it until the battle companies return. This hold particularly true for the sixth and seventh companies, whom only in the most dire of circumstances have left the borders of the sub-sector.

 

Make Amercius a sector. Space Marines are too rare to defend only a sub-sector.

 

* * *

 

Content gets an A+. The writing, OTOH, needs some work. Basically, read through a paragraph and ask yourself "How can I make this better?" Then do that. :P

 

Example:

"This somewhat divergent structure is due to the dual mission. The Golden Defenders see themselves as guardians of humanity and as such they will answer any request for aid they can thus the chapter has been seen in almost every corner of the Imperium during its history. But they have also been tasked to defend the Amercius sub-sector and as such they are required to always maintain a presence there. Since the battle companies are the ones that are usually sent to face the threats beyond the Amercius sub-sector's borders, it falls to the reserve companies to watch over it until the battle companies return. This hold particularly true for the sixth and seventh companies, whom only in the most dire of circumstances have left the borders of the sub-sector."

 

Could become:

 

"Their somewhat divergent organization is due to their perceived dual mission. The Golden Defenders see themselves as guardians of humanity, and as such will answer any request for aid they possibly can, which has taken companies to almost every corner of the Imperium. Added to this is their stated mission of guarding the Amercius sector, which requires a constant prescence. Since the battle companies are generally sent to face threats beyond the sector borders, the reserve companies operate independently within the sector on a regular basis, and require an appropriate formation. Only in the most dire circumstances do the Chapter Reserves leave the Amercius Sector."

 

A little shorter, hopefully a lot tighter, and I think the flow has been improved as well.

 

Read a paragraph, and try to make it better. You'll likely succeed. :) If not, go do the next one.

[Telveryon]

A minor nitpick, but isn't painting the neck like that a colossal pain in the behind?

Quite likely, but it looks cool in the picture and I doubt anyone will care if the models won't have it.

 

Where are the Silver Skulls confirmed to be Guilliman's descendants, exactly?

3rd Edition Rulebook if Lexicanum is to be believed. I'll fact check as soon as I can.

 

You need to work on your spelling. In order: tread, paid, heart. Homonyms are a little tricky

Fixed it.

 

This bit is a little weak. I'd omit the bit about the ship (feels like you're trying to grab shiny stuff for your chapter).

Guilty as charged! I'll try to iron out the kinks.

 

Plus, how would SoBs know a damn thing about gene seed?

Indeed! That bit requires a good chopping with Ockham's Razor.

 

And it's far more interesting to not have them reconciled.

Maybe, but having to put to up an organization as big as the Mechanicus on a daily basis seems a bit much to me, a bit Marry Sue-ish.

 

Personally, I'd see accusations of cruelty, callousness or inhumanity being more likely than glory-seeking. Though arrogance fits.

Added the cruel and inhuman bit.

 

Make Amercius a sector. Space Marines are too rare to defend only a sub-sector.

Changed as suggested!

 

"Their somewhat divergent organization is due to their perceived dual mission. The Golden Defenders see themselves as guardians of humanity, and as such will answer any request for aid they possibly can, which has taken companies to almost every corner of the Imperium. Added to this is their stated mission of guarding the Amercius sector, which requires a constant prescence. Since the battle companies are generally sent to face threats beyond the sector borders, the reserve companies operate independently within the sector on a regular basis, and require an appropriate formation. Only in the most dire circumstances do the Chapter Reserves leave the Amercius Sector."

With your permission I'll stick this bit right in.

 

Content gets an A+. The writing, OTOH, needs some work. Basically, read through a paragraph and ask yourself "How can I make this better?" Then do that. ;)

Thanks you for the great mark! Frankly I thought you'd hate it a bit. As for the writing, I think this is one of the best pieces of writing I've ever done (yeah, I'm not really good at writing), but I'll try my best.

 

Edit: Removed the ship bit, fixed the Sisters Hospitaller bit and Added a battlecry.

[Telveryon]

Time for a little bump.

 

I've just finished a minor re-write. Most paragraphs have been rewritten in the vain hope of making them flow better.

 

I've removed the reconciliation with the Mechanicus and I've also removed any references to their primarch since I wasn't able to confirm that the Silver Skulls were of Ultramarine gene seed.

 

On a side note, I've also re-written the rules for Telyon, if you are interested you may check them here.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

But the the disagreements between the Mechanicum and the Golden Defenders became even more tense when the latter were able to salvage an ancient vox array from a hulk that drifted in their system. The Mechanicus demanded that the array be released into their custody so the it could be studied, the Astartes promptly refused, choosing instead to attach it to one of their battle barges. What made the array of such importance was it capacity to jam or boost any other man made vox system.

 

This bit I'm not too sure on. I don't think the Astartes rights of salvage, at least as they are commonly used, go so far that they contradict the AdMech monpoly on technology. However, this confusion could work to your advantage, and I'd add in a line about the Inquisition being bogged down in endless debates regarding this issue. It would be quite easy to say that the Astartes were granted full rights of salvage in contradiction to the AdMech's right to the technology. A similar issue exists with the jurisdictional clash between the Inquisition and the AdMech, and all they could do was create a work-around that can't be formally codified. You could turn this into an example of what happens when a Chapter breaches the convention of cooperation.

 

I could quite easily see the Inquisition getting tied up by such an occurrence. Do they have the right to? What about the Astartes right to autonomy? What about the AdMech's technological monopoly? What did the Emperor say? He granted both himself! etc etc etc.

[Telveryon]

It would be quite easy to say that the Astartes were granted full rights of salvage in contradiction to the AdMech's right to the technology.

I could, but the that would dissipate the grudge the Mechanicus held for the Golden Defenders refused to hand over vox array. It is because of this grudge that the Mechanicus seek to discredit the chapter.

 

I could add something along the line that the Mechanicus brought the Golden Defender's refusal to the attention of the Inquisition, but Inquisition was busy with more pressing matters.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

It would be quite easy to say that the Astartes were granted full rights of salvage in contradiction to the AdMech's right to the technology.

I could, but the that would dissipate the grudge the Mechanicus held for the Golden Defenders refused to hand over vox array.

 

You've misunderstood me. Both parties believe they have sole right to the salvage, and both parties have decrees and Imperial Law to back them up. Since the Inquisition is what passes for the high-level judiciary, they would be asked to resolve it. They can't (mostly because everyone's factional interests keep colliding, but you don't need to mention that). So then you have a furious AdMech who believe they not only have the 'moral' authority to take it, but the legal authority too.

[Telveryon]

I did as you suggested. I've also added a side bar about important battles.

 

Anyway, more comments and criticisms are still most welcomed (you may add even a bit of basing if you so wish).

[Telveryon]

Don't know how it happened, but the Homeworld section got lost, I've wiped up a new one. The recruitment section is in the works as well. Enjoy and please give it a good thrashing.

[DarKHaZZ13]

I'm not sure if anyones pointed it out

but theres no white on your apothracery lol

something minor...but it bugs me

[Telveryon]

Indeed there isn't, and that's the point. The Golden Defenders have this tight brotherhood going on, their tech-marines don't wear red and their librarians don't wear blue, the only reason the Apothecaries have red shoulder inserts is to make them easier to identify on the battlefield, and they barely accept even that.

[Telveryon]

Time for a bit of a bump. The IA should be finished, recruitment section has been added. Everything should be covered, ergo it may be trashed at will.

 

If you have any other suggestions, please don't hesitate to forward them!

[Telveryon]

I'm requesting, nay, beg, you folks to point out any other issues that most likely plague this article before I try to post it in the Librarium.

[Apothete]

First, purely grammatic, spelling, or idiomatic issues:

 

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, faith is the second.

You shall take none of these steps, if you wish to survive."

 

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, faith the second.

You shall take neither if you wish to survive."

 

"I curse the day the Lord of Terra saw fit to allow that chapter into existence! My men lie dead in the valley because of that day!" - Colonel Marron, 243rd Illorian Rifle Regiment

 

"I curse the the Lords of Terra for creating them! My men may lay in the valley but they died that day." - Colonel Marron, 243rd Illorian Rifle Regiment

 

The young chapter was called the Golden Defenders and the task set for them was the defense of a sector called Amercius, located near the galactic core, from various raiders, pirated and orks.

 

The young chapter was called the Golden Defenders and they were sent to a sector near the galactic core, there to protect Americus from raiders, pirates and brutal greenskins.

 

In their over 5 millennia of service to the Imperium, the Golden Defenders have not shirked from their original duty yet they have also take upon themselves to ensure Humanity's survival, a task they pursue ruthlessly.

 

In over five millennia of service, the Chapter has never shirked from their duties and have taken additional vows to ensure the survival of the Human race regardless of the cost or the means.

 

That's just in the first segment, but I think we get the idea. Your English is spectacularly better than my Romanian would be, so don't get discouraged. The ideas behind the words are easily understood and most of the mistakes are pretty minor. I think having a native speaker that you trust go over the text with the power to edit, then give you back a copy to compare with your original would be highly beneficial.

 

I'll go back and give the plot elements a more thorough look later.

[Telveryon]

I've made the modifications you suggested, mostly.

 

That's just in the first segment, but I think we get the idea.

Yes, I already did such a re-write, obviously I missed a few thinks.

 

Your English is spectacularly better than my Romanian would be, so don't get discouraged.

Don't discredit yourself, if you read as much Romanian as I do English I'm pretty sure you'd be able to out-write me in my own native language.

 

 

I think having a native speaker that you trust go over the text with the power to edit, then give you back a copy to compare with your original would be highly beneficial.

There is such a fellow, unfortunately he's quite busy in this day-n-age.

[Octavulg]

Origins

"I curse the day the Lord of Terra saw fit to allow that chapter into existence! My men may lay dead in that valley but it's then that they died!" - Colonel Marron, 243rd Illorian Rifle Regiment

 

I know exactly what you're getting at, but I'm worried there's not a way to express it that doesn't come across as awkward. At the moment, you're using the position of their deaths and the time of their deaths, when you should be using time and time.

 

"My men may have stopped breathing yesterday, but they were dead the day the Emperor of Man gave that cursed Chapter birth." perhaps?

 

Due to their long and honorable service in the name of the Emperor, the Silver Skulls were chosen to father a chapter during the 20th founding. The young chapter was called the Golden Defenders and they were sent to a sector near the galactic core, there to protect Americus from raiders, pirates and brutal greenskins. In over five millennia of service, the Chapter has never shirked from their duties and have taken additional vows to ensure the survival of the Human race regardless of the cost or the means. Many dread their arrival for wherever the Golden Defenders tread the death toll is bound to be high, yet other give praise for it as they know the enemy's suffering will be even greater.

 

We don't know what Americus is - could be a planet or any damn thing. You can't shirk from something. You can only shirk things.

 

I'm uncomfortable with opening talking about another chapter.

 

Try:

 

The Golden Defenders spring from the 20th Founding of the Emperor's Space Marines. For their long and honorable service in the name of the Emperor, the Silver Skulls were one of the chapters chosen to mentor new Astartes during that Founding, and the Golden Defenders were that chapter. Sent to protect the Americus Sector near the galactic core, the Golden Defenders have kept the region from raiders, pirates and the brutal greenskins for over five millenia. The Chapter has never shirked their duty, and have sworn countless fearsome vows to defend humanity regardless of the cost to themselves. Many dread the arrival of the Chapter in a warzone, for they know it means the cost of victory shall be great, but just as many herald it as a sign of hope, for they know the cost to the enemy shall be greater.

 

The chapter's acceptance of collateral damage and sacrifice has been with them for the greatest part of their history. It was in the second century of their existence that their homeworld of Mercurial III was victim to the powerful WAAAGH! Mercurial III is a civilized world that at that time boasted a population of four billion inhabitants. Initially the marines and the PDF tried their best to safeguard the vast majority of the planet's population from the ork onslaught, but as defenders' numbers dwindled it became an impossible task. Decisions on whom would be saved and who would be sacrificed became ever more frequent. It took a decade to muster an Imperial force large enough to evict the ork form Mercurial and by then full half the planet's population had been killed, abandoned so that the other half could live.

 

The chapter's willingness to accept sacrifice and collateral damage has been with them since the second century of their history, when their home world of Mercurial III fell victim to the power of the WAAAGH!. Mercurial III was a civilized world that boasted some four billion inhabitants. Initially, the marines and the PDF tried their best to safeguard the planet's population from the Ork onslaught, but as the defenders' numbers dwindled it became an impossible task. The decision that some would be sacrificed so more could be saved was made with greater and greater frequency. It took a full decade to muster an Imperial force large enough to evict the Orks from Mercurial, and by then fully half of the planet's population had been killed, left to the Orks so that the other half might live.

 

Both these opening paragraphs are very solid, and set the stage well for an explanation of their beliefs. You would be wise to include one briefly, basically:

 

Ever since [VERY CONDENSED VERSION OF SAID EFFECTS GOES HERE].

 

Explain that their faith was shaken and any other effects it had now. This lets you build on them later.

 

The Age of Apostasy had a considerable impact on the Golden Defenders' way of thinking. During this time if great upheaval, the Golden Defenders strove to remain neutral on the internal matters of the Imperium and concentrate on external enemies. But even so, they were dragged into several internal conflicts and in every one of those conflicts the sheer waste of lives appalled them.

 

This would seem to conflict with the whole "die so others might live" thing.

 

Give a few throwaway names for the incidents in question - tantalize the reader with the hint of events bigger than the IA.

 

In an age of religious turmoil and tests of faith, the Golden Defenders' abandoned theirs. Wherever the Golden Defenders looked all they saw was faith being perverted with many claiming divinity or sanctity in the Emperors name to further their own ends. This was by no means a swift process, and it might not have happened all if the Golden Defenders' faith hadn't already been shaken during the defense their homeworld, but by the time they reestablished communications with Terra after Sebastian Thor's death the chapter had abandoned many of their rituals and all their prayers. By the end of the 41 Millennium almost all rituals had been abolished.

 

Vandire's death, I suspect you mean.

 

You should explain that their faith was shaken before you mention it here, as I said above. You also should explain this a little further - what has this meant, exactly? How, exactly, have they abandoned faith?

 

Disagreements with the Mechanicus

"They will grovel at our feet begging for forgiveness before the end of the decade!" - Magos Verrilius Ardot

 

A weak quote, somehow. Doesn't have the punch of the others.

 

Of the chapters that answered the Golden Defenders' plea for aid, the Praetors of Orpheus had the greatest impact. They did much to dispel the superstition still plaguing the Golden Defenders in regards to machines. Armed with such knowledge and with the aid of their fellow marines the Golden Defenders were eventually able to restore their homeworld to it's former glory, but only after five centuries of labor. To this day the Praetors of Orpheus and the other chapters that lent their aid are honored in the halls of the Golden Defenders.

 

Are the Praetors famous for not having such supersition, just out of curiousity? Or is you creating it?

 

I know I've asked this before, too. I just don't remember the answer. ;)

 

But the the disagreements between the Mechanicus and the Golden Defenders became even more tense when the latter were able to salvage an ancient vox array from a hulk that drifted in their system. The Mechanicus demanded that the array be released into their custody so the it could be studied, the Astartes promptly refused, choosing instead to attach it to one of their battle barges. What made the array of such importance was it capacity to jam or boost any other man made vox system. Eager to study such a device, the Mechanicus brought the issue before the Inquisition, which after much deliberation was unable to reach a consensus leading to the matter being dropped in favor of more pressing issues.

 

Tsk tsk. You know better than to do this sort of thing. Excuses for gimmicky gear are tacky (even when I used to do them).

 

Beliefs

"I find their lack of interest in matters of faith rather disturbing, yet their services to the Imperium cannot be denied" - Inquisitor Allarat of the Ordo Hereticus

 

He finds their lack of faith disturbing, eh?

 

Eh?

 

* * *

 

I'll do some more later/tomorrow/in the indeterminate mists of the future. It looks pretty good, with the writing and idea presentation being the bits that need a little work.

[Telveryon]

I know exactly what you're getting at, but I'm worried there's not a way to express it that doesn't come across as awkward. At the moment, you're using the position of their deaths and the time of their deaths, when you should be using time and time.

 

"My men may have stopped breathing yesterday, but they were dead the day the Emperor of Man gave that cursed Chapter birth." perhaps?

Sounds good to me! Consider it stolen!

 

We don't know what Americus is - could be a planet or any damn thing. You can't shirk from something. You can only shirk things.

 

I'm uncomfortable with opening talking about another chapter.

 

Try:

 

The Golden Defenders spring from the 20th Founding of the Emperor's Space Marines. For their long and honorable service in the name of the Emperor, the Silver Skulls were one of the chapters chosen to mentor new Astartes during that Founding, and the Golden Defenders were that chapter. Sent to protect the Americus Sector near the galactic core, the Golden Defenders have kept the region from raiders, pirates and the brutal greenskins for over five millenia. The Chapter has never shirked their duty, and have sworn countless fearsome vows to defend humanity regardless of the cost to themselves. Many dread the arrival of the Chapter in a warzone, for they know it means the cost of victory shall be great, but just as many herald it as a sign of hope, for they know the cost to the enemy shall be greater.

Stolen as well, with only a minor alteration.

 

The chapter's willingness to accept sacrifice and collateral damage has been with them since the second century of their history, when their home world of Mercurial III fell victim to the power of the WAAAGH!. Mercurial III was a civilized world that boasted some four billion inhabitants. Initially, the marines and the PDF tried their best to safeguard the planet's population from the Ork onslaught, but as the defenders' numbers dwindled it became an impossible task. The decision that some would be sacrificed so more could be saved was made with greater and greater frequency. It took a full decade to muster an Imperial force large enough to evict the Orks from Mercurial, and by then fully half of the planet's population had been killed, left to the Orks so that the other half might live.

 

Both these opening paragraphs are very solid, and set the stage well for an explanation of their beliefs. You would be wise to include one briefly, basically:

 

Ever since [VERY CONDENSED VERSION OF SAID EFFECTS GOES HERE].

 

Explain that their faith was shaken and any other effects it had now. This lets you build on them later.

Stolen and added the "Ever since..." bit.

 

 

This would seem to conflict with the whole "die so others might live" thing.

 

Give a few throwaway names for the incidents in question - tantalize the reader with the hint of events bigger than the IA.

Not really, the Golden Defenders are indeed big fans of "die so that other might live" yet they strong opponents of "die for the heck of it". In other words, if you make a sacrifice and get something out of it, all's well and good, but if you make a sacrifice and get nothing, you're a pillock. I've also named two such incidents.

 

Vandire's death, I suspect you mean.

 

You should explain that their faith was shaken before you mention it here, as I said above. You also should explain this a little further - what has this meant, exactly? How, exactly, have they abandoned faith?

No, I did mean Thor's death. The Imperium was only stabilized after Thor's death, holy wars still rages after Vandire's death and the GD still didn't want to have anything to do with them. The reconnection with the Imperium after Thor's death also makes the Golden Defenders' loss of faith slower, which is a good thing considering how traditional chapters tent to be.

 

Disagreements with the Mechanicus

"They will grovel at our feet begging for forgiveness before the end of the decade!" - Magos Verrilius Ardot

 

 

A weak quote, somehow. Doesn't have the punch of the others.

 

Are the Praetors famous for not having such supersition, just out of curiousity? Or is you creating it?

 

I know I've asked this before, too. I just don't remember the answer. msn-wink.gif

I didn't make it up, it's from page 70, fourth paragraph, 5th edition Codex: Space Marines. It's because of that bit that the whole disagreements with the Mechanicus even exists. I try not to make such bold claims about official chapters without something to back me up.

 

Also, you didn't ask me about the Praetors, but about the Silver Skull's gen-seed, which I've fixed since I couldn't back up my claims.

 

Tsk tsk. You know better than to do this sort of thing. Excuses for gimmicky gear are tacky (even when I used to do them).

:) Indeed I do. However I refuse to believe the gear was gimmicky, flashy and not really necessary, yes, but not gimmicky since it only served to make the Mechanicus more angry with the GD rather the being a cornerstone of the chapter's identity!

 

Anyway, I've replaced the vox array with not aiding a Mechanicus exploratory fleet.

 

He finds their lack of faith disturbing, eh?

 

Eh?

Hehehe! Wouldn't any pious member of His Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition? :D

But you have to admit it makes sense in context! I'll remove it if it break the suspension of disbelief that much, but I'd rather keep it if at all possible. While IA should be serious, it can't be that bad if the reader smiles once in a while, can it?

 

I'll do some more later/tomorrow/in the indeterminate mists of the future. It looks pretty good, with the writing and idea presentation being the bits that need a little work.

I can't wait! It's this kind of IA thrashing that I like to see!

[Octavulg]

Sounds good to me! Consider it stolen!

 

It's not theft if I tell you to take it. :D

 

Not really, the Golden Defenders are indeed big fans of "die so that other might live" yet they strong opponents of "die for the heck of it". In other words, if you make a sacrifice and get something out of it, all's well and good, but if you make a sacrifice and get nothing, you're a pillock. I've also named two such incidents.

 

OK. That dimension needs to be emphasized a bit more, because I'm missing it (at least at first).

 

No, I did mean Thor's death. The Imperium was only stabilized after Thor's death, holy wars still rages after Vandire's death and the GD still didn't want to have anything to do with them. The reconnection with the Imperium after Thor's death also makes the Golden Defenders' loss of faith slower, which is a good thing considering how traditional chapters tent to be.

 

Excellent.

 

I didn't make it up, it's from page 70, fourth paragraph, 5th edition Codex: Space Marines. It's because of that bit that the whole disagreements with the Mechanicus even exists. I try not to make such bold claims about official chapters without something to back me up.

 

Also, you didn't ask me about the Praetors, but about the Silver Skull's gen-seed, which I've fixed since I couldn't back up my claims.

 

It's neat. I would worry you're making it a little too busy with having the lack of faith (plus conflict with Mechanicus) and having the whole sacrifice thing as well.

 

Silver Skulls, according to one of the IA articles from around Armageddon, are Ultramarines. Of course, it's wrong about like five other things as well, but it's a source.

 

sad.gif Indeed I do. However I refuse to believe the gear was gimmicky, flashy and not really necessary, yes, but not gimmicky since it only served to make the Mechanicus more angry with the GD rather the being a cornerstone of the chapter's identity!

 

Anyway, I've replaced the vox array with not aiding a Mechanicus exploratory fleet.

 

A better choice. I'm honestly not sure you need the incident at all - you could skip directly to the following paragraph without losing anything critical to the chapter's identity, IMO.

 

Hehehe! Wouldn't any pious member of His Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition? biggrin.gif

But you have to admit it makes sense in context! I'll remove it if it break the suspension of disbelief that much, but I'd rather keep it if at all possible. While IA should be serious, it can't be that bad if the reader smiles once in a while, can it?

 

Man, little touches like this are about 95% of the fun of writing an IA. I'm the guy who has a chapter that lives in Falconscott on Franklin's World. Who has a Cursed Founding chapter whose IA opens with a quote from Diablo and throws in a few allusions to The Cask of Amontillado.

 

I have never been more pleased with an IA than right now. ;) <_<

 

I can't wait! It's this kind of IA thrashing that I like to see!

 

It's working up the energy to provide it that's the tricky bit. I grow weary with age. :P

[Telveryon]

It's not theft if I tell you to take it. tongue.gif

You're a killjoy! Why must you break the illusion that I have leet text stealing skills?:D

 

OK. That dimension needs to be emphasized a bit more, because I'm missing it (at least at first).

It is in the Combat Doctrine section. But frankly I have no idea how to emphasize in the Origins section...

 

It's neat. I would worry you're making it a little too busy with having the lack of faith (plus conflict with Mechanicus) and having the whole sacrifice thing as well.

I know it's a bit busy but the faithless and sacrifice bit makes them cool and the Mechanicus bit is there because I myself hate the Mechanicus. But if I dare say so, it fits (even if it's leeking at the edges a bit)

 

Silver Skulls, according to one of the IA articles from around Armageddon, are Ultramarines. Of course, it's wrong about like five other things as well, but it's a source.

Really? Well regardless, I've removed the Ultramarine references quite sometime ago and there is no reason to add them back in since they'd add very little to the IA.

 

A better choice. I'm honestly not sure you need the incident at all - you could skip directly to the following paragraph without losing anything critical to the chapter's identity, IMO.

Maybe, but the way I see it the Mechanicus didn't give much of a damn about the GD after their exodus, they tried to teach them a lesson without investing much. It is only after the incident that the Mechanicus begin to return the GD's resentment. Also, without that incident it makes the GD look a bit too much like the Mechanicus' punching bag, and that would make them a bit to uncool in my view.

 

Man, little touches like this are about 95% of the fun of writing an IA. I'm the guy who has a chapter that lives in Falconscott on Franklin's World. Who has a Cursed Founding chapter whose IA opens with a quote from Diablo and throws in a few allusions to The Cask of Amontillado.

 

I have never been more pleased with an IA than right now. tongue.gif smile.gif

Hehe! I'll keep that in mid! And thanks, I might even sig that last bit!

 

It's working up the energy to provide it that's the tricky bit. I grow weary with age. tongue.gif

Whenever you do, I'll be here waiting for it, I'm still young after all!

[Severus6]

This bit I'm not too sure on. I don't think the Astartes rights of salvage, at least as they are commonly used, go so far that they contradict the AdMech monpoly on technology.

 

Did you consider that it may simply be better that the AM not know or that it is assumed destroyed and only certain factions within the AM have a "problem" with your boys?

 

Severus6

[Telveryon]

That whole section was replaced with something less flashy and better fitting, salvaging rights are no longer an issue.

[Apothete]

I can't promise that it'll be done today, but I'm working on doing exactly what I recommended. As a native speaker of the language and, (I conceitedly like to think) a decent writer, I think I can help you polish some of the linguistic oddities.

 

That is, of course, if you want the help...

 

Don't discredit yourself, if you read as much Romanian as I do English I'm pretty sure you'd be able to out-write me in my own native language.

 

Ha!

 

I don't read or speak a single word of Romanian, which was part of my point. You're already better than I am by default, since you can at least make yourself understood in English.