Index Astartes: Wings of Death

[Hubernator]

It's amazing... it truly is amazing. I go out for a 6th Form day and return to find newbie OwenCrute waging war against Octavulg :tu: Where's my popcorn B)

 

No seriously guys. If your gonna fight it out at least do it somewhere else. This is Mod territory and he'll have your heads :P

[Ferrata]

I always get an overtone of non-involvement from it. This could be the chemical knowledge, or that the only other place I really encountered the word was for those guys who provide spellcasters with mana in the Darksword trilogy. Quadrology, actually.

Well, that chemical knowledge is incorrect then because catalysts are involved in reaction (otherwise it would work), they are just recycled in the process. Catalysts work by providing a path of lower activation energy, and thus easier for the reaction to happen. Seems to work here, replacing catalyst with Wings of Death and reaction with battle. I'll get working on an edit tomorrow. Also, some information will be left out (like why they didn't bombard the planet) as I feel too much of this information really breaks up an IA instead of allowing it to flow.

[Octavulg]

Well, that chemical knowledge is incorrect then because catalysts are involved in reaction (otherwise it would work), they are just recycled in the process. Catalysts work by providing a path of lower activation energy, and thus easier for the reaction to happen. Seems to work here, replacing catalyst with Wings of Death and reaction with battle. I'll get working on an edit tomorrow.

 

I know they're involved. It still seems flawed somehow, but if you're that attached to it...

 

Also, some information will be left out (like why they didn't bombard the planet) as I feel too much of this information really breaks up an IA instead of allowing it to flow.

 

Honestly, I find chapters doing unexplained things that don't seem to quite make sense breaks up an IA far more than throwing in a quick line about how the guardsmen were assaulting the citadel to retrieve the sacred chalice of Wodrellus the Saintly.

 

Seriously - explaining the actions of your characters is good writing. Sometimes, actions don't need explanation, but when they do it should be provided.

 

Why the chapter doesn't use orbital bombardment against a powerful enemy fortress which has broken several regiments is definitely something that needs explanation.

[Ferrata]

Why the chapter doesn't use orbital bombardment against a powerful enemy fortress which has broken several regiments is definitely something that needs explanation

Because they are so damn arrogant that blowing something up from a distance isn't good enough for them, they need to see the eyes of the enemy. Why hadn't the Guardsmen assaulted it? They didn't want to destroy the infrastructure. I'll think about, but too much information does break an IA.

[Lysimachus]

I like this very much. To be honest don’t really have any criticism of it other than a few grammatical issues and possibly, as you’ve said to me on my current work, there may be a little too much detail to go through (although for the most part i think its all necessary stuff and doesn't stop the flow of the article so its not really a bad thing).

 

The only other thing is this:

 

This version has no pretty pictures, fancy headers or side bars as I want it to be about the fluff and not the look.

 

Perhaps you’re planning to do this later, once you’ve got the body of it sorted, but I sort of get the feeling you not bothered about this stuff at all. I just think its worthwhile doing the extra bits to add the ‘fancy stuff’, it doesn’t take much work and it adds to the presentation of your article, as would a colour scheme (I just find I can picture the things happening in the IA better if I know what they actually look like!), and it makes the article more accessible to people, it just feels easier to read.

 

Presentation is important, otherwise the WD would be in black and white with no pictures :huh:

 

Anyway, just MHO, feel free to ignore me, as I said you may be planning to add this right at the end when you feel happy with the rest.

 

All in all, an excellent article!

[Alkana]

I agree with Octavulg's points.

 

'Twas a good read, although it was also long.

[Ferrata]

All the bells and whistles will be there in the end, but I have often found that bells and whistles on an old cow don't make her produce good milk...or something along those lines. Basically, it is better to get the fluff sorted and checked for the fluff then add all the colour and stuff. As for the length, there is always the tricky balance between too much information (too long) and not enough information (bad story). Hopefully at no point you feel like you are being dragged along by the story and you are thinking that you just want to get to the end, then it is too long. If its a 'Damn, that was along article' at the end of it, that should be okay.

[Aurelius Rex]

I missed the posting and discussion on this IA due to being on holiday, but I have printed off the latest copy to see what has changed. More feedback later, Ferrata.

 

I was the person to suggest that the IA article get an intro paragraph, and must say that it read much better to me with it than without. So you can blame me if you felt the intro chapter detracted. ;)

[Aurelius Rex]

I hope that this post isn't coming too late, Ferrata, as you have said above that you will be creating a new draft based on previous feedback. I enjoyed the article, and found that it has improved with each draft. Some of the points have already been covered above, so apologies for any replications or conflictions - I think that the intro is an important section that can establish the character of the chapter, and when done effectively can really grab the reader's attention and hook them in to read more.

 

First up, areas that I found could do with clarification.

 

- The nature / scale / timescale of the Angelus crusade.

 

Some of this has been addressed above, but clarification in the next draft would be useful. Specifically that the Wings had such a strong role in calling (petitioning the High Lords / Administratum / Segmentum command / Mechanicus?) for the crusade.

Would I be right to say that the Angelicus Crusade was intended to free the corrupted worlds that were choking off the route to the once-rich worlds of the Aeternus system, and that the Wings were particularly keen for this to happen as they had taken the Aeternus system as a recruiting base? If so, this seems to be a good setup. What I found unusual was the massive timescale that was involved for the Angelicus Crusade. It seems clear that it went on for the whole of the span between the Eighth founding, when the Wings were created, and the ninth, when the Disciples were created, and that this was just the start!

 

Would I be correct in thinking that the Angelicus crusade went on for at least four thousand years - between the eighth founding date given here (the start of the 33rd millenium) and the date given for the destruction of the Disciples fortress monastery in early M37. While I understand from later posts that any action inside a certain area of space could be classified as part of the Angelus Crusade, it seems a ridiculously long timescale to maintain any kind of momentum with drafting regiments, getting navy fleet support and the like.

 

An analogy with the Sabbat Crusade featured in Dan Abnett's Gaunt's Ghosts books would be illustrative. As I understand it, the Sabbat Crusade went on for a number of decades rather than centuries or millennia, but aimed to liberate many scores of worlds across dozens of systems. Obviously there would be many different types of crusade, but if you are dead-set on such a massive timescale here seems that the article would benefit from more clarification on why it was the case.

 

For instance, was the initial objective of clearing the blockage into the Aeternus system achieved within a relatively short period, such as decades, and then the crusade subsequently continued to push back the boundaries of the claimed worlds? I would consider if compressing the timeframe would help here, at least for the initial objectives, or come up with a compelling rationale for why the imperium is still trying to free the Aeternus system millennia after it started... why is it so important to anyone other than the Wings themselves. :huh:

 

 

- Naming

 

Something I wanted to mention was the similarity in naming between the Aetherius Stars and the Aeternus system intentional, as it was superficially confusing. While I can see a reason for them both having the Aet----us naming, it did seem unusual.

 

 

- (Lack of) Changes to the chapter on becoming Renegades

 

I was also wondering about how the Wings are so able to retain their integrity while being renegades. I think we have spoken of this in the past, and that I was expecting them to have a tougher time of it... they seem to have had no problems in hiding from the imperial warmachine for several thousand years. It seems like they have been having a relatively easy time of maintaining the standard to which they are accustomed as a loyalist chapter, and while you have included stealing stocks of geneseed from the AM (a very nice piece of colour, by the way), and pillaging forgeworlds, I feel that one of the interesting things about a renegade chapter is showing how they have had to change to reflect the difficulty of dodging the Imperium... Do they keep the fleet together for protection, or separate for periods so as not to draw too much attention to themselves, and to aid their sneaky nature. The timescale as renegades is again long - from M37 to M41 - but I think that from earlier conversations that you are set on the early founding, in which case I would really be interested in hearing how their chaos nature and what necessity has done to force them to adapt beyond what you have so far.

 

 

I will have to return to the subject (grammar and tenses) in a later post. I hope this was of use.

 

Cheers,

Aurelius.

[Aurelius Rex]

Here is a quick go at some of the typos, word replications and sentences where the grammar could be polished.

 

Intro paragraph:

The pride of each brother took its toll on the sanity of the chapter until breaking point were the Wings embarked on a bloody campaign against the Disciples and now the Angelicus Crusade, striking from the darkness and disappearing into the Warp.

Would it sound better with 'later' rather than 'now'?

 

Origins

 

The monstrous battle barge Pride of the Emperor, provides the chapter with the necessary facilities to support themselves and the Aeternus System provided their primary recruitment worlds.

Replication of provides / provided. Also, provided is past tense, and they still recruit from there, even if it is now less than voluntary.

 

It was during this period that the first of a number of extraordinary events occurred, on the small mining planet of Rhamiel. An enemy stronghold which a Wings detachment had been unable to secure suddenly fell in the middle of the night to an unknown force. Advancing on the now undefended fortress, the Wings discovered no trace of their unidentified ally bar a scattering of feathers which tested positive for daemonic presence. Believing the traitorous enemy to have summoned warp-beings which had then turned upon them, the detachment handed over command of the fortress to the Imperial Guard.

 

Tested positive for daemonic presence seems more 21st century than 40K... perhaps something along the lines of 'which sanctioned psykers or the chapter's librarians confirmed as being of daemonic origin.' or the like.

 

Would somewhere infected by daemonic presences have to be reconsecrated by the ecclesiarchy? It is not wrong, but a mention of that might add to the colour of the piece. <_<

 

 

The events upon Rhamiel were not isolated and over the following century a further seven cases were reported to the crusade high command. All followed the same pattern, the enemies of the Wings mysteriously being slaughtered whilst no trace of their assailants remained. The reports each contained mention of daemonic positive feathers and all concluded that their enemy had fallen to the ruinous powers which had been rife in the systems before the arrival of the Angelicus Crusade. It was over half a millennia before any question of doubt began to fall upon these conclusions after thirty-third such case occurred.

 

Again, 'daemonic positive' seems to jar. Perhaps something along the lines of 'feathers of daemonic origin', or something different, as that is similar to the suggested replacement above.

 

 

Well, that's lunchtime up... More tomorrow. ^_^

 

Aurelius.

[Aurelius Rex]

More...

 

It was over half a millennia before any question of doubt began to fall upon these conclusions after thirty-third such case occurred.

 

Missing a 'the' between 'after' and 'thirty', yes?

 

The Culex Rebellion, a system wide rebellion which the Wings subjugated almost alone, saw a turn in the chapter’s fortune as a series of great victories quickly followed. The newly appointed Lord Marshal Adaem, the Chapter Master of the Disciples of Man, ordered for a full report into all ruinous and daemonic forces that the crusade had encountered.

 

Replication of 'rebellion'.

 

'For' could be edited out.

 

The Exspes Testimony took nearly a decade to complete and mostly covered the early conflicts against the warlord De’Kol, but what caused most controversy were the chapters indulging into the daemonic activities surrounding the Wings of Death.

 

Red section needs work. 'Chapters' could be replaced with 'sections' to prevent unnecessary confusion with marine chapters. 'Indulging' seems odd... do you mean 'involving' or 'detailing'? Depending on the changes 'into' may need to go as well.

 

Chapter Master Adnachiel out right refused such an undignified intrusion of his chapter and vowed the Wings would declare their loyalty to the Emperor in battle.

 

'You could replace 'of' with 'into'.

 

 

The report concluded that the Wings of Death were indeed loyal to the Emperor and the daemonic events which had hounded them were merely unfortunate coincidences at best or a cunning strategy by the ruinous powers to disrupt the Angelicus Crusade at worst.

 

Shouldn't Ruinous Powers be capitalised? I am not sure if GW does, or is even consistent in doing so, but I do it myself.

 

Though given a full pardon and an apology by all those involved in the acquisitions, the chapter never forgave those who had doubted them and Adaem and his chapter responsible for the shame for such a report to have been ordered in the first place.

 

Do you mean 'accusations'?

 

The end of this sentence becomes extremely muddled. It could probably do with splitting up into two sentences and completely re-worded. :devil:

 

 

More later.

 

Aurelius.

[Aurelius Rex]

To speed things up, I will highlight the sections that need work in red, with any further comments bracketed in blue.

 

+++

 

The Fall from Grace

 

The Wings became a much sombre force after the Perfidelis Report, losing their faith in the command structure of the Crusade. Many of the chapter’s actions in these long centuries were far from the front line of the Crusade, their fierce deep strikes acting as a perfect force to quickly defuse any rebellious motions. {This sounds wrong - 'movements' is better, but still too scatalogical!} Whilst the Wings were stabilising the Imperial held planets, the Disciples gained much fame acting as the vanguard of the Crusade. The Wings resented the favouring of the younger chapter for it was them {they?} who had shed the initial {so much} blood during the early crusade. This bitterness would devour the Wings until their hearts had been lost to the Imperium. As the centuries past, {passed} the Disciples became the increasing {increasingly became the?} favourites of the Crusade command, have numerous members on the Crusade Council and a few masters acting as Lord Marshalls, an honour never granted to the Wings. {The last sentence needs tightening.}

 

Returning once more to the Aeternus {system} to replenish their ranks, the Wings fleet picked up an SOS {distress?} signal from the fortress world Gauna, requesting the assistance of the Disciples of Man. Such an insult to their honour could not be allowed to stand and the Wings made planet fall with all available brothers, totalling just fewer than five hundred men. The situation upon Gauna was dire, the main citadel had rebelled along with a large portion of the population and the loyalist {planetary defence?} forces had been slaughtered to man. Four Imperial Guard regiments who had quickly been requisitioned to retake the planet but had lost all momentum and were entrenched outside the fortress under constant bombardment from artillery. {The last sentence needs tightening.} The arrival of a force of Astartes improved the morale of the guard and a foot assault on the stronghold was soon underway.

[Aurelius Rex]

The Fall from Grace

 

[...]

 

The Guard regiments broke twice times {I agree with the comments above that this seems stilted rather than poetic} under the firepower of the citadel, but the fury of the Wings forced them on each time. By the time {Replication} of the third assault, all the guardsmen had been slaughtered or fled the field and only the Wings remained. Their demise seemed inevitable, the fortress was impregnable and its guns powerful but the faith of the Wings was unbreakable and no brother flinched. It was in their moment of deepest misery that a saviour appeared to the Wings, as screams of brutal murder rose from behind the thick walls. The enemy guns fell silent as {and?} the Wings broke through the gates without losing another marine.

 

Within the bastion was a cohort of winged daemons awaited the prideful marines, each chanting {tense problem} the names of brothers lost in fruitless battles fighting for the Emperor. Once their mantra to the dead had been completed a soft voice filled the fortress. The voice told stories of past battles, how the aid of these daemons had saved the chapter on numerous occasions. Playing to the chords which struck the Wings hearts deepest, the voice recited the ‘Saga of Ynsoldea’ which echoed the torments of the chapter. As the daemons vanished back into the warp they left an ancient book of faith with Chapter Master Israfil.

 

It was three days before the Wings emerged from the fortress, only to be greeted by a cadre of the Disciples of Man acting as an honour guard to their Chapter Master, and Lord Marshall, Leuke. The resulting argument between the two masters has been lost to Imperial scholars, but it is believed that Leuke accused the Wings of atrocities against the Imperium during their latest battle and endangering an Imperial Crusade with their actions over the last millennia. It is unknown which of the two exchanges convinced Israfil of the future of the Wings, but they quickly left Gauna and continued their journey to the Aeternus System. {It is unclear on what basis Leuke is making these accusations. If all the guardsmen had been killed there would be no witnesses, and even if there were, what 'crime' had they committed that many other chapters hadn't done - spurring on guardsmen on to successfully take the fortress? Also, there was no-one to see them consort with daemons in the fortress, so they can't be caught on that score. Finally, if Leuke was confronting a chapter with accusations of atrocities and disloyalty, why did he do so with little more than what appears to have been a small force of honour guard? Wasn't he asking to be strung up by the much larger disloyal force?}

 

The last Imperial contact with the Wings was to occur at 432006.M37 when the Wings re quested landing in the fortress-monastery upon Discelo, home world of the Disciples of Man. Being allowed access to the inner sanctum of the Fortress-Monastery, the Wings were able to tear the heart out of their once brethren from within. {After Leuke's accusations, why hadn't the Wings been classed as enemies by the Crusade, if not yet by the Imperium? Why on earth did they allow access to a chapter their master had declared had committed atrocities against the Imperium? This meeds some more explanation, as at the moment they seem like perfect candidates for a Darwin Award! B) } In a slaughter that lasted eight days and eight nights, the entire population of the planet was culled, the monastery ripped bare and the armoury emptied. With the fortress stripped of all useful materials, including the precious gene-seed of the chapter, the Wings destroyed the monastery with continuous blows from orbit. Before the Disciples of Man heard about the destruction of their home world, the Wings had long disappeared.

 

All traces of the now fallen chapter were lost until an assault on the Disciples of Man strike cruiser Emperor’s Hope, although a number of earlier ambushes on the chapter were later also found to be orchestrated by the Wings. {A little clumsy - perhaps '... although in retrospect, it seems likely that a number of other unattributed ambushes on the chapter could be attributed to the Wings.'} With their vengeance in their own hands, the Wings hunted the Disciples on every planet, almost mirroring all deployments made by the loyalist chapter. Over a period of twenty years they sadistically decimated the Disciples until finally destroying the chapter on the plains of Nephtys. {Couldn't the Disciples have worked out a counter-strategy over the course of two decades, such as laying counter-ambushes for their tormentors? Perhaps with the aid of a stronger force? As it is they seem too proud to ask for aid, or stupid to formulate a strategy to turn the tables on the Wings. :) }

 

From the Darkness

 

Since the destruction of their brethren chapter, the Wings have embarked on an all out assault against the Angelicus Crusade, a campaign which has been dubbed the Daemonicus Crusade. The Aeternus System has started to revert into a state similar to before the arrival of the Wings as the trade imports from the Aetherius Stars have almost halted. With the Angelicus crusade on its knees, at the mercy of its once heroic figure heads, {figureheads} the Imperium has dedicated two chapters to the protection and the furthering of the Angelicus Crusade. Inquisitor Chigi, attached to the crusade, has authored the ever growing Degeneris Report which tracks the movements and engagements of the Wings of Death.

 

His efforts have so far proved futile in placing the Wings to a specific system or world, although this is understandable due to the fleet-based nature of the chapter. The Wings are able to produce a majority of the smaller items in an Astartes’ armoury from their forge-ship Iron Arrogance, although they will often plunder the supplies of other forces they come across and, when in dire need for {of?} equipment, forge-worlds themselves.

 

How the Wings remain at large to the Imperium has baffled many commanders who have been ordered to track the traitorous chapter. Their attacks come swift and without warning, slaughtering all those who stand in their path only to disappear as quickly as they arrived. The Wings have long been gone before any Imperial force can be gathered to move against them. {This whole line needs tightening.} A few foolish captains have attempted to chase the chapter through the warp but none have ever returned. Chigi has stated that it is impossible to understand the operations of the chapter and to do so would only lead to insanity.

 

Beliefs

 

[...]

 

It was concluded that the tribe who introduced the Wings to the statues were worshipping Ynsoldea. Using these totems, her power was increased each time the Wings took to battle and her daemons were able to manifest close by. When she finally revealed herself to the Wings, the chapter gladly accepted her wisdom and protection over that of the Emperor. Although they had been worshipping her for centuries, they took to her words with vigour and Chaplain Harahel even dictated the Book of the Broken Saviour. {This whole line needs tightening, perhaps turning a discussion of the book into a characterful boxout or quote.}

 

 

+++

 

That is it for Beliefs. More later.

 

Aurelius.

[Aurelius Rex]

The Armada of Light and Recruitment

 

The Wings of Death fleet has been traditionally known as the Armada of Light since it first arrived in the Aeternus System. The Pride of the Emperor was freshly produced from the shipyards {of} Lebe V and granted to the chapter upon their creation. The Pride acted as not only the flagship of the fleet but also the very heart of the chapter, containing the reliquary and the gene seed stock. When the Armada of Light used to arrive in a system {This indicates that they now recruit from more than just the one system. Is this true? Do they still just recruit from the Aeternus system, or from systems in the wider Aetherius star areas?} it was an occasion for hope, salvation and joy. It now stands {for} dread, misery and destruction. During an ambush of a Mechanicus fleet sent to rescue the Disciples of Man from destruction, the Wings of Death were able to capture large quantities of both gene seed and equipment along with a second battle barge baptised the Judgement of Ynsoldea. {Were the AM bringing the Disciples a new battle barge, or was it a generic capital ship of the AM fleet that the Wings employed as a battle barge? There was a BFG article in White Dwarf a year or two ago about Mechanicus fleets, but I don't know if it is on the specialist Games website anywhere...}

 

[snip...]

 

When they are deemed suitable they finally have the chance to seek revenge on the Wings when a single Battle Brother is placed in an arena with ten possible recruits. The marine uses his combat abilities to only incapacitate those selected by his Sergeant as worthy to become a member of the Wings of Death whilst those deemed not aren’t granted the same luxury. {This is an improvement in the previous draft - is the decision on worthiness down to if they show the appropriate fighting spirit, so that those who attack the marine get rapidly incapacitated, while those that hang back or show (relative) cowardice get put down?} On rare occasion the Battle Brother is swamped and killed in a frenzy of hatred; it is said that the famous Captain Nisroc single-handedly defeated his foe.

 

Once they have been selected to become what they despise, a recruit is mind-wiped of all his past memories, his hatred of the chapter, his home world and even his own name. The next eight years are of constant indoctrination into the ways of the Wings of Death. The glories of the chapter become versed within the scouts mind; the litanies of Ynsoldea are murmured as the {they} sleep. These years are one of total absorption into the chapter, and when they finally are able to don their suit of power armour their love for the chapter is unfaltering. Their {I woulsd stick with 'The' instead, otherwise you have three 'their's in one sentence.} final initiation is their naming ceremony were the spend eight days in the Temple of Ynsoldea until she speaks their name to them through the chaplain.

 

Organisation

 

{snip...}

 

The sixth through to ninth companies act as the reserves of the chapter according to the Codex Astartes. Reserve marines will often be called to battle, supporting the main companies with either their specific training or the additional bodies. When not participating in battle, the Reserve Companies undergo rigorous training in countless environments hidden from the penetrating gaze of the Imperium. The tenth company, otherwise known as the scout company, contains all of those members of the Wings of Death who are yet to earn their Black Carapace. Scouts will never be called to action, instead undergoing constant training until they are worthy to be called a Battle Brother of the Wings of Death. {Isn't battlefield training a vital part of a marine's training? How are they able to replicate real combat during their training processes?}

 

Combat Doctrine

 

True to the teachings of the Lions of Veles, the Wings of Death have always favoured the combat arts of warfare. They are not the butchers or the fanatics of other chapters, but instead are absorbed by the finesse of combat, the precision of the blade and the white of the enemy’s eyes. Each marine will pride himself on the long days spent duelling with his brethren, the battle scars which have each taught him a valuable lesson.

 

Like all Astartes, the chapter specialise in rapid deployment, surgically striking weak sections of the enemy lines. The early parts of the Angelicus Crusade only furthered their skills in dealing with such operations as they were quickly shipped from one battle front to another. Only in rare circumstances would a force deploy by more mundane methods, when the brute force of orbital deployment would only in succeed in the death {Do you mean 'only result in the death'?} of many brothers.

 

A tactical force will often consist of a high number of Assault Marines and Land Speeders, whose speed and agility allow the chapter to quickly funnel the enemy into the slaughter lanes formed by tactical squads. This fondness of jump packs can be readily seen within the veteran company who frequently take to battle equipped with them.

 

The wisdom of combined arms and alternative approaches to warfare are not lost on the Wings of Death, indeed the enlarged battle companies are more capable of withstanding long periods of warfare than their codex equivalents. {Is the enlarged battle companies mention left over from the previous draft? The organisation section now says they are strictly codex size.} something that has been a Devastator marines, battle tanks and Terminators are not rarities in a Wings force, but always act as support units to the more manoeuvrable sections of the force.

 

Gene Seed

 

The Wings of Death were honoured with the gene seed of Roboute Guilliman, the purest and noblest of primarchs. From the few samples the Imperium has managed to capture, the chapter’s genetics seem to have remained surprisingly unpolluted from the foul stench of chaos. There have been no witnessed events of mutation within the ranks of the Wings, although few who have encountered the chapter remain alive long enough to report on the purity of the chapter. {Replicating 'chapter'... you could either swap the first case for 'them', or end the sentence with 'report on their purity.'}

 

+++

 

That is it for the feedback on the grammar, but I would like to say that the article has a lot of potential and I enjoyed reading it, Ferrata. Finally, I would suggest that you consider talking more about what they have been like in the millennia since they went renegade, and how they changed, at the expense of the earlier origins and fall section, as they could use a good edit... It would only benefit from really carefully examining each line to see if it adds to the article or not before keeping it in.

 

Regards, and the ball is back in your court now. :lol:

 

Aurelius.

[Ferrata]

Balls in my court are frequently droppped :) Thanks for all the feedback A.Rex, I'll get onto draft 2 when I'm back at Uni (and strangely have more time on my hands). As for a couple of your questions, Aetherius is roughly latin for Heaven, whilst Aeternus is roughly Eternal. These names might be changed to give more clarification between the two and maybe the Aeternus system might be dropped because this is a relic from the Wings more static days. I will change the ever-lasting Crusade into something more along the following lines. The Imperium sees them as numerous small crusades, each having a different name etc, whilst the Wings see it as the one big Crusade. This does mean a re-write of some of the sections and I'm still not sure how to get some of the same ideas across, but I will cover them in a minute. Also, I will expand upon the chapter post-fall, but the fall of the chapter has always been the attractive part of this chapter to me.

 

The fall of many DIY chapters are cheap, rushed and illogical. They are either tricked, tainted without their knowledge, it isn't their fault or due to their flaws. I wanted the Wings to be different. I wanted them to fall because of their flaws. They couldn't take not being number one in the eyes of the Imperium, blaming everyone else for their failings. I've attempted to hide the main source of inspiration for their fall, the fall of Lucifer, but I'm pretty sure it still comes across quite strongly. They fall because of their Pride.