Index Astartes: Mourning Souls (V1.0)

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok, I've been working on these guys for about a month now, with help from people like Darth Potato and Hasoroth. Well heres their origins, enjoy. C&C welcome...

 

Index Astartes: Mourning Souls

 

Origins

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Mourning Souls Astartes Veteran

The Mourning Souls were founded during the 21st ‘Cursed’ Founding. A founding from which many chapters have been marked out from their brethren by physical mutations. Some are obvious to the eye and thus they are shunned by those who deem themselves pure. Only those fit to judge these chapters do so, those whose opinions are worthless are forced to fight beside those they scorn. However, what the pure ones don’t realise is that there are some who try to hide in plain sight, among the pure when they are just as tainted as those who are cast out from Humanity. One such group is the chapter of the Mourning Souls astartes.

 

During the time when the High Lords of Terra declared the 21st Founding there were dark whispers of secret experiments made by the Adeptus Mechanicus upon the noble geneseed of the Adeptus Astartes in order to try and improve their capabilities. Whatever the truth of the matter is, the Mourning Souls were created upon the dawn of the 21st Founding, using the geneseed grown from the tithes of the Angels Sanguine Adeptus Astartes chapter, descendants of the Blood Angels and thus of the bloodline of Sanguinius.

 

Upon their founding the Mourning Souls were gifted with a Command Cadre led by Captain Da’Ktar. Da’Ktar raised the chapter from a group of young barbarians, taken from harsh tribal worlds, into a force of well trained and equipped Angels of Death. It was as the last of the newly inducted astartes donned the mantle of Battle-Brother that he gave a sermon to a conclave of the Chapter. It is said that by the end of this oration every Astartes who had heard it, bent one knee and wept.

 

And so, the Mourning Souls were given a name, one which they would seek to carry throughout the stars with honour.

 

For nearly half a century the chapter fought with the ferocity that the sons of Sanguinius were famous for, but they also knew the humility of the great angel. They were pure and were often lauded by allied Imperial organisations for great acts of courage and honour, even as their brethren fell to the Black Rage. However, things began to change. It is whispered that the geneseed of Sanguinius was tainted from its inception under the Emperor’s Palace, before the dawn of the Great Crusade. The evidence: Sanguinius himself, he had mutated wings thus how could be nothing but a mutant, and all his sons with him? It was rumoured that the Mechanicum tampered with the geneseed before gifting it to the new chapters of the 21st Founding. Whatever the case, the Mourning Souls began to change.

 

At first the chapter’s Apothecarium managed to contain the mutations, but eventually it became more widespread as the chapter began to engage in more protracted campaigns. The chapter’s geneseed, more specifically the Catalepsean Node and the Sus-an Membrane began to alter in such a way that they began to fuse some of the astartes’ brain synapses together increasing their output. The astartes brains became like transmitters and they could read each others thoughts if they were within a close enough radius. However, there were problems. As the chapter’s brothers became linked, other darker forces could pick up on the link. The chapter became more susceptible to daemonic possession and many brothers fell to the warp.

 

This curse continued after a brother’s death. Any chapter members close enough to a dying Mourning Soul astartes would hear his psychic death scream, which would cause a mental trauma and the surviving astartes would then hear the dead astartes dying thought in their minds until death. For some, this was too much and it cost them their sanity and they were merged into the chapter’s Death Company alongside those that fell to the Red Thirst. Though, most endure, bearing the mental scars of the experience. As such the chapter comes across as dour and melancholic to outsiders. But the trauma of the experience can wear down the astartes after a period of time, some go to the point that their mental state degrades to such a point they can’t hold the Black Rage in check, it is then that they succumb to the Red Thirst; some go with open arms craving the peaceful oblivion of death they would surely be granted among the Death Company.

 

As the chapter tried to cover up their genetic mutations many reports began to come in of the Souls engaging allied units in the heat of combat, often with no survivors. This aroused the interest of the Inquisition. The chapter soon fell under investigation and a great mistrust began to grow between the two organizations, almost to the point of combat as the Souls refused to be controlled by those who weren’t worthy to judge them. At the same time the chapter’s Librarians began to labour to protect their chapter and prevent their brothers being ripped apart by predators from the warp. They searched and searched for an answer, labouring for decades to find the solution that would guarantee the survival of their chapter. Eventually they found it. The chapter’s Librarians found that they could create a psychic barrier within their brother’s minds to protect them from the warp. This isn’t a final solution as the shield has been known to crumple in the presence of a great build up of warp energy. But, it began to stem the tide of those that fell to the warp.

 

The chapter had been saved from its own destruction and now they consider themselves truer brothers than even the greatest astartes chapters, for who can be truly closer than those who are bonded in spirit? Now, once again they carry the Emperor’s wrath among the stars.

 

Homeworld

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Chapter Symbol

After the chapter had solved its crisis, they were still held under Inquisitorial scrutiny. Some members of the Inquisition called for the chapter to be placed under arrest and examined to the maximum, while others called for them to be chased down by the Grey Knights and eradicated. But, after months of debate and the timely beginning of the Reign of Blood, it was decided to leave the matter for the time being. Once the chapter was free from the Inquisition they made full speed to the edges of the galaxy where Humanity was at greatest risk from xenos and heretics. They liberated world after world in the Emperor’s name. After two hundred years of such fighting the chapter’s number had diminished since they had drawn no new recruits. Da’Ktar decided it was time for the chapter to bring in some fresh warriors, and so the chapter began to draw recruits from the planets they had liberated. They remained aboard their star fleet, seeing as it made it easier to travel the fringes of the galaxy. Nevertheless, this all changed when the Mourning Souls came to the backwater planet known as Ayvotoc, located near the Grendl Stars or the Wings of Sanguinius.

 

Ayvotoc was a Hive world where the planet’s people were grouped into gangs or ‘Blud Tribes’ with each tribe being led by a chief. The tribes would often be at war with each other trying to vie for power and their place in the hierarchy of the hives. The planet’s surface is covered in great spires full of forgotten souls who are worthless to the Emperor’s great Imperium. However, it had been in the hands of heretics and mutants for centuries after losing contact with the Imperium no help could be called. The Mourning Souls declared a crusade to cleanse the planet.

 

The Mourning Souls descended to the planet’s surface upon wings of fire, ready to purge the unclean. The chapter came down to find the planet under the control of the Scourged, a renegade astartes chapter. The Scourged had managed, by sorcerous means, to access the Souls’ mind web, and thus they were able to plant false thought into their minds creating great confusion in the midst of battle. Soon, the campaign began to wear down the Souls, both mentally and physically, after they had exhausted effort after effort to try and re-conquer Ayvotoc. Eventually it came to the point that the chapter considered ending the campaign.

 

However, efforts were renewed with vigour as the true horrors of the Scourged’s evil were uncovered. The chapter soon discovered that once more by sorcery, the traitor marines had taken control of the populace’s minds. They were no more than puppets with the traitors pulling the strings. This discovery confirmed the suspicions of the Chapter and they began to continence the task at hand, knowing full well that they would have to shed innocent blood to win the day. Eventually the planet was recovered with great losses to both the Souls and the planet’s people. The chapter swore to guard over the planet’s people to prevent anymore of their blood being spilt. Thus, they stayed and built their Fortress-Monastery, the Chalice of Tears upon the planet’s only moon.

 

The chapter began to draw recruits from the people of Ayvotoc but eventually began to detach themselves from the people and became a fireside legend. They became the planet’s unseen protectors and they further swore to guard the Grendl Stars from the Emperor’s enemies.

 

Organisation

 

The Speech of Da'Ktar <File Ref. 00857/234B>

"My Brothers,

 

We are the children of the noble Sanguinius, the Angel, the Emperor’s most glorious son. He is the shining example of the perfect servant of His glory. It was he that gave his life so that the Emperor could defeat the Archtraitor, whose name we curse a thousand fold.

 

A thousand times a thousand years of lament will never atone for our loss. So I task you to give your souls unto the mourning, and add your tears to the billions already shed in the angel’s name.

 

I call on you to lament with every drop of your enemies’ blood, so that we may recall our eternal debt to the Angel’s memory. We shall never fall before this thirst has been quenched, we will fight to the last, in the skies, on the land or upon our very altars. We will fight and die in the Emperor’s name.”

 

The Mourning Souls have adapted the organisation of their successors the Angels Sanguine. The chapter utilizes the equipment not seen outside the use of Blood Angel successor chapters, such as Furioso-pattern Dreadnoughts and Baal-class Predators. They also field Sanguinary Priests and the fabled Death Company within their ranks. The Chapter’s first company, the veterans, is split in the middle in that it contains an equal amount of Tactical Veterans and Assault Veterans. This slight deviation from the traditional organization of Blood Angel Successors is simple. Due to the chapter’s fluid and quick moving style of warfare it pays to have multiple options rather than the almost close-minded idea of a complete assault company.

 

Unlike most chapters the Mourning Souls aren’t commanded by a Chapter Master. Instead the 1st or Lord-Captain is commander of the Mourning Souls and is thought of as a regent, by the Chapter, holding the place of command for the day of Sanguinius’ return. This structure is a result of the Chapter’s strong belief system that Sanguinius will one day return to lead all of his sons in a great Blood Crusade and save the Emperor’s realm.

 

Each company is led by a Captain and an attached Chaplain and Librarian. Unlike most chapters the Souls’ companies are given a dedicated Librarian to help keep the chapter’s mind shields strong to prevent another disaster akin to that at the dawn of the chapter’s history. After this each company is organized in the traditional way of the Codex Astartes, with the addition of any members of the Death Company - of which the Mourning Souls are known to have slightly higher numbers of compared to the likes of the Blood Angels.

 

Like most chapters, the Souls’ Tenth Company contains their neophytes who act as their Scouts. Due to the Souls greater need for replacements thanks to their twofold curses their Tenth Company is slightly larger than most, about fifteen per cent bigger. The Tenth rarely fights as one; they are distributed between the active companies to gain vital battlefield experience and acts as an advance unit for that company. However, it has been noted that there have been several cases where the neophytes have fought on the front lines of combat, more often than not resulting in a high unit fatality rate.

 

Unlike many chapters the Mourning Souls don’t depict their company number upon their armour, unless it is on the veteran company in which case the astartes paint a black tear drop under their helmets’ left eye piece. But they do distinguish between specialists by helmet colour: red = Tactical, bone = Honour Guard, Black = Assault and Silvery Grey = Devastator.

 

The chapter maintains a small Forge, and thus has little heavy machinery. So, any that they do contain is maintained with great care. However, the chapter is in possession of a large amount of Drop Pods and uses them often, rarely do you see a Mourning Souls Strike Cruiser without a full complement of pods to deliver them into the heat of battle.

 

Combat Doctrine

The tactics employed by the chapter are an adaptation of their predecessors, simply developed to their needs. The chapter places a heavy emphasis on rapid assaults; so that they can strike at the enemy hard them withdraw leaving them floundering and unable to respond. Often, the first time the enemy will know they are under attack is as the first drop pods break the atmosphere, descending at breakneck speeds into the crucible of combat. Once deployed the chapter makes use of both heavy assaults covered by hails of well placed bolter fire and heavy weapons. Due to the speed of their assaults the chapter makes little use of heavy armour tanks, believing them to be cumbersome and hindrance.

 

Unlike other sons of Sanguinius the Mourning Souls are slightly more codex in their approach to warfare. They will break the enemy lines with barrages of accurate bolter fire rather than rushing into a headlong assault. But, the chapter still have a greater reliance on close quarter fighting than the Codex Astartes dictates, believing that it’s a great honour to be part of an assault unit, but most especially the assault units of the First Company.

 

But, Imperial Scholars cannot forget that while the chapter may fight in a supposedly disciplined and ordered way, they are still victims of the Black Rage and the mutations of their geneseed, meaning that the chapter always fields a unit of their Death Company, led by a Chaplain or a High Priest, to spearhead their assaults and act as terror troops, breaking the enemies’ morale as the rest of the strike force moves in to break the enemy. Thus many Imperial Commanders have refused to fight beside them, declaring the Chapter madmen or unclean mutates. None of these claims have ever been substantiated; the chapter ignores these outcries and fight besides their begrudging allies regardless; offering their skills and abilities to the battle at hand.

 

It is not surprising that this is the case when there are stories of the chapter committing acts of reckless brutality and unrestrained bloodletting as they try to sate the Red Thirst and bring back some semblance of control upon themselves. Time and again the chapter’s glories are sullied by cries of accusation and distrust, dishonouring the memory of those who sacrificed their lives in the name of victory.

 

Geneseed

The chapter are bearers of the noble lineage of the Angel Sanguinius, most loyal son of the Emperor. Like all his sons they are blessed with longevity and with great humility unmatched by other chapters of different ancestry. They like many of the children of Sanguinius make use of the sarcophagi in which recruits are placed as they receive the boon of the geneseed. These recruits are left inside for a year and emerge astartes, the pinnacle of perfection, compared to the scrawny hive ganger that entered.

 

However, despite the noble outward image of the chapter, they like all Blood Angels carry a blood curse – the Black Rage. When a brother succumbs to it they believe themselves to be Sanguinius, acting out his last moments during the Siege of Palace. This curse is a constant reminder to the chapter of their loss, thus they take an especially great pride in the destruction of the hated traitor marines. These lost souls are placed within the chapter’s Death Company and their armour is painted black and covered in red crosses in Sanguinius’ memory.

 

Unfortunately this noble chapter also carries another curse. At the dawn of their creation their geneseed was tampered with, by the blinded priests in the Adeptus Mechanicum. This resulted in the Catalepsean Node and the Sus-an Membrane beginning to alter in such a way that they began to fuse some of the astartes’ brain synapses together, increasing their output. The astartes’ brains became like transmitters and they could read each others thoughts if they were within a close enough radius. This granted them a greater understanding of each other, but it also became their greatest weakness. Their increased brain output isn’t dissimilar to that of a psyker, thus the predators of the warp were able to possess them in the way they would an untrained soul. Luckily, the chapter was saved by their Librarians who now play a vital role in the chapter’s survival.

 

Beliefs

The chapter believe that they are the personification of Sanguinius’ broken heart upon him hearing the news of Horus’ heresy. As such they are very melancholic and will rarely speak to an outsider. This state of melancholy is helped by the astartes’ burden of their dual gene curses, which constantly tests them and dwindle their numbers.

 

They believe that Sanguinius was the greatest primarch and that he was also the Emperor’s most loyal son. It was he that gave his life so that Horus could be beaten, this is the example that the chapter strives to follow. They know that victory over the traitor legions is paramount and any of them wouldn’t hesitate to give their lives for such a goal. It has been noted, that like the children of Russ and Vulkan, the Chapter believe that their primarch, Sanguinius will one day return to lead all his sons against the Emperor’s enemies when humanities’ day is darkest. This is something that the omens say draws nearer.

 

Also, it has been noted that the chapter practices Exsanguination and the sharing of blood. It is one of the chapter’s most sacred rituals. Once an astartes is promoted they are infused with a slightly greater proportion of Sanguinius’ own blood, kept by the chapter’s Sanguinary Priests. This infusion represents the individuals gain in favour and often inspires them to greater heights so they can bear more of their liege lord’s blood. These rituals will often be performed in front of the chapter’s most revered site: the Sarcophagus of Lord-Captain Rahiel.

 

Battle Cry

“With their blood, we mourn.”

[Hubernator]

Pretty good Ferrus, and knowing you this should turn out well. Keep it up ;)

[Ferrus Manus]

Thanks Hubernator I hope it will! I've added the colour scheme, what do you think?

[GhostLegion]

This curse continued after a brother’s death. Any chapter members close enough to a dying Mourning Soul astartes would hear his psychic death scream, which would cause a mental trauma and the surviving astartes would then hear the dead astartes dying thought in their minds until death. For some, this was too much and it cost them their sanity and they were merged into the chapter’s Death Company alongside those that fell to the Red Thirst.

 

I find myself rather impressed by this bit, though I think I would have taken it a slightly different direction with the same result. I think I would have worked this death scream to trigger the Red Thirst in those that heard it. This way, not only is your Death Company responding to the BA curse from the death of the primarch, but from their battle brothers as well. The result is the same, but the flavor is different. Just my thoughts here. Cant wait to see more.

[Hubernator]

Scheme looks good :tu: Maybe make the wrists the same red but that's just a suggestion.

 

And PM'd you :P

[Ferrus Manus]

I find myself rather impressed by this bit, though I think I would have taken it a slightly different direction with the same result. I think I would have worked this death scream to trigger the Red Thirst in those that heard it. This way, not only is your Death Company responding to the BA curse from the death of the primarch, but from their battle brothers as well. The result is the same, but the flavor is different. Just my thoughts here. Cant wait to see more.

 

Intresting, however if that was the case imagine this: a company goes to war and a squad looses on brother that squad has its rage triggered. all it would take is ten brothers and the entire company would fall. But, I do like the idea. I may tone it down to something like after a certain amount of traumas the brothers can no longer hold the rage in check and they fall to the Red Thirst. Thanks for the idea GhostLegion!

[GhostLegion]

hehe...well I do like to find interesting faults to overcome, i thought it would make sense, but then I do leave a lot out of my thoughts and try to allow others to connect the dots (i make that sound intentional, but its really not).

 

you found the gist of the idea there I think. It would give something for the battle brothers to work through, and would add a bit more flavor. The trick to remember with the idea I threw out there is if some people have more will power than others, how much more a space marine? Thus, the death of one may not trigger for all, but may work like insanity points in a rpg...you can only take so much. I think this is what you figured out after looking at my rough thought. who knows, might be fun for a fluff bit eh?

[Ferrus Manus]

Ok, GhostLegion I've changed that paragraph to include parts of your idea. What you think?

[GhostLegion]

Looks good to me and makes sense the way you have it written. This way they are not quite as bad as the Flesh Tearers...but not quite as sane as the Blood Angels either.

 

The point is...do YOU like it this way?

[Ferrus Manus]

The point is...do YOU like it this way?

Im very happy with it. I started out discussing with Darth the idea of a mental mutation rather than a physical one, like nealry all Cursed Founding chapters are. Now its starting to shape, very slowly. I'm just excited about seeing where it's going to end up.

[Brother Cambrius]

Wow Ferrus. This is a very original piece of writing. :) Perhaps to represent the shield the Librarains use you could have normal marines with psychic hoods to hold back the screams of death, but when they become damaged in battle, al of the screams that had been held back by the hood in that battle are flooded into the mind of the Marine, sending him into a frenzied rage as he attempts to avenge his fallen brothers.

 

Keep it up and I look forward to more.

 

Cambrius

 

PS: Nice symbol and scheme. :(

[Storm Maiden]

Hmm. I am seeing many similarities to my own Storm of Tears, hehee.

 

Still very well written! I wish I had thought about using Sanguinius' curse as I had been trying so hard originally to have a kind of 'feeling of each others' deaths' through my own chapter without them being psyke in any way.

 

I'm still strongly pondering stealing this from you, but then I'd have to change where my own successor genes come from!

 

I did not read it all as I was out the door, but still, very good work! I will read more tonight.

[Ferrus Manus]

C&C welcome, sorry for spliting the article my pc is playing up.

 

EDIT: Moved to Original Post

[Ferrus Manus]

EDIT: Moved to Original Post

[XKhalilX]

LOVE the color scheme man, they look awesome! i like the tear drop by eye lense. im diggin these guys, i cant wait to see them painted up, robes and all!

[Ferrus Manus]

Thanks XKhalilX, i'm glad you like them. I'm working on a Captain and his Honour Guard now so keep your eyes peeled ;)

[Lord Howland Greywolf]

Lovin these guys. The duel curse is sweet, the "chalic of tears" fortress monestary is cool and the tear drop on the helmet is a nice touch.

[lee265]

THese guys are awsome. Also did you think about maybe doing the chaplian helmet a diffrent color like black?

[Ferrus Manus]

THese guys are awsome. Also did you think about maybe doing the chaplian helmet a diffrent color like black?

 

Thanks mate. Besides what I've mention in the Organisation section the chapter is codex so the Chaplain's helmet would be black.

 

Also, I've manged to move the entire article to the original post to make it easier to read.

[Brother Cambrius]

THese guys are awsome. Also did you think about maybe doing the chaplian helmet a diffrent color like black?

 

Thanks mate. Besides what I've mention in the Organisation section the chapter is codex so the Chaplain's helmet would be black.

 

Also, I've manged to move the entire article to the original post to make it easier to read.

 

Does thatmean that the tear is a different colour? Perhaps the red on the armour? Thanks for merging the articles together, it's muc easier to read ad let our jaws drop with the spark of imaination you hd for these guys. Did the suggestion I gave to you ast time I posted here sound good? I didn't see you mention anything on it. :D

 

Methinks the librarium is calling or this one...

 

Cambrius

[Ferrus Manus]

Wow Ferrus. This is a very original piece of writing. Perhaps to represent the shield the Librarains use you could have normal marines with psychic hoods to hold back the screams of death, but when they become damaged in battle, al of the screams that had been held back by the hood in that battle are flooded into the mind of the Marine, sending him into a frenzied rage as he attempts to avenge his fallen brothers.

 

Does thatmean that the tear is a different colour? Perhaps the red on the armour? Thanks for merging the articles together, it's muc easier to read ad let our jaws drop with the spark of imaination you hd for these guys. Did the suggestion I gave to you ast time I posted here sound good? I didn't see you mention anything on it. -_-

 

Methinks the librarium is calling or this one...

 

Cambrius

Sorry Cam, I'll answer now.

 

I thought about them all havin psychic hoods but that would be pretty unfeasible. The technology is prety scarce now, so I can't see the eitire chapter wearing one, plus an order of 1000= psychic hoods is bound to raise some supsicion. :P But I do like the idea of the build up of screams, possibly it could work the other way around, once the astartes falls to the rage his shield breaks and is very suspeptable to daemonic possession. Intresting.

 

And yes the tear would be red most likely. As for the inspiration I must give a big thanks to Cold Play's new album :)

[Sigismund Himself]

Methinks the librarium is calling or this one...

I'm getting there...

 

The Mourning Souls were founded during the 21st ‘Cursed’ Founding, from which many chapter’s have been marked out from their brethren by physical mutations, which are obvious to the eye and thus they are shunned by those who deem themselves pure. Only those fit to judge these chapters do so, those whose opinions are worthless are forced to fight beside those they scorn.

First sentence runs on a bit too long in my mind. The second sentence could do with a bit of rewording as it takes a few read throughs to make sure you've got it right.

 

It was even rumoured that the inquisitive thralls of the Machine-God had broken through the holy seals closing their darkest and oldest vaults to recycle the geneseed of those legions that broke faith with the Emperor during the Imperium’s darkest hour the Horus Heresy.

Sentence really doesn't add much to your IA. You could add better things in here to reinforce the Cursed nature of the 21st.

 

...using the geneseed grown from the tithes of the Angels Sanguine Adeptus Astartes chapter, descendants of the Blood Angels and thus of the bloodline of the Angel Sanguinius.

Too many Angels in there. Perhaps remove the Angel in front of Sanguinius. it would look and read better in that way, in my opinion.

 

Upon their founding the Mourning Souls were gifted with a Command Cadre led by Chaplain Da’Ktar, as the Angels were unable to lend a Captain to the task; due to current combat situations.

A Chaplain would not be the one to lead the command cadre. Chaplains are not trained in command. This doesn't seem to add anything to your chapter anyway.

 

It is whispered that the geneseed of Sanguinius was tainted from its inception under the Emperor’s Palace, before the dawn of the Great Crusade. The evidence: Sanguinius himself, he had mutated wings and this is why some deem the sons of Sanguinius impure.

The explanation here seems a little weaker compared to the rest of the article.

 

The higher rates of daemonic possession began to attract a lot of unwanted attention from other organisations, especially the Ordo Malleus of the Inquisition. The chapter soon fell under investigation and a great mistrust began to grow between the two organisations, almost to the point of combat as the Souls refused to be controlled by those we weren’t worthy to judge them. At the same time the chapter’s Librarians began to labour to protect their chapter and prevent their brothers being ripped apart by predators from the warp. They searched and searched for an answer, labouring for decades to find the solution that would guarantee the survival of their chapter. Eventually they found it. The chapter’s Librarians found that they could create a psychic barrier within their brother’s minds to protect them from the warp. This isn’t a final solution as the shield has been known to crumple in the presence of a great build up of warp energy. But, it began to stem the tide of those that fell to the warp.

Nine_Breaker did a similar thing in his IA: Angels of Perdition. Just wanted to know how similar yours was and give you an example of a good description for the idea.

 

Blud Tribes

Blud?

 

The chapter came down to find the planet under the control of the Scourged, a renegade astartes chapter. The Scourged had managed, by sorcerous means, to access the Souls’ mind web, and thus they were able to plant false thought into their minds creating great confusion in the midst of battle.

How come this hadn't been done before?

 

 

“With their blood, we mourn.”

5/5 ;)

 

Should mention the Black Rage and Red Thirst a little earlier, I initially though that they had been cured of it but this other curse was put into place.

 

Overall, just some wording needs to be fixed up. A little more clarity in some sentences and the grammar is iffy in a few spots. Some expansion would be good as well in some of the areas toward the bottom. Looking good but polish is needed.

[Dazzo]

It was as the last of the newly inducted astartes donned the mantle of Battle-Brother that he gave this speech:

“My Brothers, we are the children of the noble Sanguinius, the Angel, the Emperor’s most glorious son. A thousand times a thousand years of lament will never atone for our loss. So I task you to give your souls unto the mourning, and add your tears to the billions already shed in the angel’s name.”

This might work better as a sidebar.

 

The higher rates of daemonic possession began to attract a lot of unwanted attention from other organisations, especially the Ordo Malleus of the Inquisition.

How did the inquisition find out, was this happening on the battlefield or in front of other imperial servants or just on their homeworld?

 

Librarians began to labour to protect their chapter and prevent their brothers being ripped apart by predators from the warp.

Personally I would go for a different word to ripped as it seems out of place to me...though thats just me :lol:

 

But, after months of debate and the timely being of the Reign of Blood, it was decided to leave the matter for the time being.

This doesnt make sense, timely being?

 

Ayvotoc was a Hive world where the planet’s people were grouped into gangs or ‘Blud Tribes.’ Each of these tribes is led by a chief.

You change tense, first part past second present. I would re-write this "Ayvotoc was a Hive world where the planet’s people were grouped into gangs or ‘Blud Tribes’ with each tribe being led by a chief."

The Mourning Souls descended to the planet’s surface upon wings of fire, ready to purge the unclean. What they found was far worse then they imagined.

Worse than having the dying scream of your battle brother knocking around your bonce until the day you die?

 

They were no more than puppets with the traitors pulling the strings.

Not really surprising though one would have thought, in fact it might even be said to be an obvious conclusion. So you might be better off saying they had a good suspicion this was happening but that to remove the stain of chaos they would have to knowingly shed innocent blood?

 

Good stuff overall, better than any of my attempts at any rate :)

[Ferrus Manus]

Blud?

It seemed a very gangish name, just think of a modern day chav crossed with a W40k hiver when you read it, thats these Hive gangers - sorta.

 

Should mention the Black Rage and Red Thirst a little earlier, I initially though that they had been cured of it but this other curse was put into place.

Now you mention it, it seems a bit obvious. Will do.

 

This might work better as a sidebar.

Maybe, might allow me to expand the speech as well...

 

This doesnt make sense, timely being?

That should say beginning, a result of my poor grammar.

 

How did the inquisition find out, was this happening on the battlefield or in front of other imperial servants or just on their homeworld?

Most likely a mix of both, perhaps I should explain that.

 

Worse than having the dying scream of your battle brother knocking around your bonce until the day you die?

Haha, fair point. I suppose I'll change that.

 

Good stuff overall, better than any of my attempts at any rate:)

Thanks for the comment Dazzo, but I'm afraid I must disagree wth the second bit. I quite enjoyed your Angels Pyriel, speaking of which is there anything new to report on those guys?

 

Thanks for the comments both of you, I'll get it sorted asap.

[Dazzo]

I quite enjoyed your Angels Pyriel, speaking of which is there anything new to report on those guys?

*sigh* not really, I suffer from the "damn I forgot what I was going to write" syndrome, I had come up with all these cool ideas but I didnt write them down so when I came add something it had all dried up like a puddle on the Serengeti :cuss

But maybe its time I tried again, thanks for the compliment ferrus :D

 

Most likely a mix of both, perhaps I should explain that.

I would be subtle, perhaps there was a suggestion of the Sons 'accidentally' killing their allies with friendly fire to cover something up, they had seen something they shouldnt have maybe, and that led to the inquisition getting involved. You cant really have definite proof otherwise they would be declared excommunicate immediatly.