Lords of Feroce

[Hubernator]

Cheers Krieger ;)

 

Brother Natar, your idea is quite interesting. Yesterday me and Eirik were discussing failing organs, and he suggested something like 4 organs failing which was alot :P He said something about that there should be problems with the Ossmodula, the Biscopea, the Haemastamen and the Betcher's Gland. The Biscopea gland fails so the Ossmodula and Haemastamen glands don't work as they should. And the Betcher's gland was faulty and somehow some of the acid manages to get into the bloodstream so the bionics fail. I'm just throwing in his ideas btw lol

 

I'm tempted to go with your idea Natar. On another note we (me Solcia and Eirik) have sorta decided that we want the deterioration to occur in parts of the body, and in worst case scenario throughout.

 

Still need thoughts on this :)

[Eiric Hakon]

Just thought I might throw in some ideas that I had.

 

As the bones are weak, I reckoned that the chapter would try to compensate. A simple idea was chemical baths to help replenish the bone, which may or may not be effective (but it's worth the try). More complex ideas revolved around nano technology. Nanochemical bone reinforcements, which lead on to the chemical bone growth matrix so that when certain chemicals a web like matrix would form between the broken bone fragments and then a kind of bone would form. Finally I thought up a nanotube secondary "skeleton" witch just helps the muscles keep shape after the bones break...

 

kinda stupid ideas but hey.

[brother natar]

As the bones are weak, I reckoned that the chapter would try to compensate. A simple idea was chemical baths to help replenish the bone, which may or may not be effective (but it's worth the try). More complex ideas revolved around nano technology. Nanochemical bone reinforcements, which lead on to the chemical bone growth matrix so that when certain chemicals a web like matrix would form between the broken bone fragments and then a kind of bone would form. Finally I thought up a nanotube secondary "skeleton" witch just helps the muscles keep shape after the bones break...

 

Well, somerone's been watching too many Sci - Fi, haven's they. That said, the secondary skeleton is a good idea, and one which i at first thought would work well. But, if your Marines have this, then why wouldn't every Marine? IT would deffinatly be bennificial to any Astartes, so if your guys have it, why not every other? Also, some in the Imperium, no doubt, would see this as heresy. You are improving on the work of the Emperor, which can't possibly be done.

Brother Natar, your idea is quite interesting.

 

I'm tempted to go with your idea Natar.

 

BO YAH!!!

 

On a more serious note, (and i'm not trying to blow my own trumpet here) i think my way is the only plausable way of working this 'curse' into the Chapter. It means most of your Marines will still be 100% combat effective, and so the Chapter would still be actually able to fight. Also, it means the heavy use of bionics would be justified, as when a Marine's Ossmodula starts to fail, he could extend his years by using implants and genetics. You could even have a sort of Death Company thing going on, full of heavily bioniced (is that a word?) Marines, all wanting death in combat because of their 'failiure' to remain healthy.

[Hubernator]

BO YAH!!!

;)

 

On a more serious note, i think my way is the only plausable way of working this 'curse' into the Chapter. It means most of your Marines will still be 100% combat effective, and so the Chapter would still be actually able to fight. Also, it means the heavy use of bionics would be justified, as when a Marine's Ossmodula starts to fail, he could extend his years by using implants and genetics. You could even have a sort of Death Company thing going on, full of heavily bioniced (is that a word?) Marines, all wanting death in combat because of their 'failiure' to remain healthy.

I like that alot you know :) What does everyone else think??

[Hubernator]

A small update. Put up some more notes that I've quickly drawn up. I shall get to work on this IA soon :)

[Hubernator]

I decided to make some proper progress today on the Chapter, starting as always with the Origins. Really do need C&C for this, I have a feeling I've messed up again.

 

***

 

The 21st Founding has been a mystery throughout the Imperium. In such times the geneseeds of those new Chapters that are part of this Founding have been tweaked, or one of the new implants initiates receive has been tweaked to make the new marines perform better in a certain attribute. One prime example was the Lords of Feroce. The Chapter's geneseed had been tweaked, particularly the Ossmodula gland. The gland was tweaked to improve the bone structure of new marines, and initial tests seemed to prove the new change a success. However this became less apparent during the Lords' first major battle, the Clash on Feroce.

 

The war started on the recently chosen homeplanet, Feroce V. A Necron uprising began on one of the 4 continents of the planet, to which the Lords responded quickly. The Necrons decimated the entire environment of the continent, creating a barren wasteland. The Chapter struck the Necrons hard, hoping to eliminate them from long-range fire. This all worked well until they sent in assault squads to finish the job. Those squads never made it out alive, which did come as a small surprise to the Lords. After the battle the bodies were recovered, and what they saw astounded them. Every single one of those marines had broken bones throughout their bodies, except one marine who couldn't move at all. The marine was taken to the Fortress Monastary and tested, along with a few of his fallen brothers. The results showed that all of them had suffered structural problems to their skeletons; those that were dead had very brittle bones, the marine who was alive had a solid bone skeleton with no workable joints. The Apothecaries were worried at the results; it was a very pressing matter. The current Chapter Master ___ declared the matter be covered up and kept secret until a solution could be found.

 

The secrecy lasted for centuries, with each new Chapter Master making sure that the Chapter's secret remained hidden from the Imperium. However it was all in vain. During the years of the 12th Chapter Master ___ the Lords took part in a crusade against the Orks. During the aftermath of the final victory an Imperial Guardsman noticed how some of the Lords could barely move some of their limbs, while others stood like statues. He kept the matter to himself until after the crusade, then reported the matter to the =][=. The =][= put aside such a rumour, however just to satisfy the guardsman's persistence they drew out some records on the Lords to prove the guardsman wrong. What they found was a very small list of notes all suggesting the same thing - marines that couldn't move their limbs. The =][= were confused and sent Lord Inquisitor Verak to investigate this matter.

 

After a few years of filtering through a large collection of files, Lord Inquisitor Verak filed a report. In this report he detailed all the facts that the High Lords needed in order to make note of this unknown Chapter, however there was a surprise at the end of this report, which many hadn't expected:

 

...However it is apparent that the Chapter has a major flaw in their geneseed. This only became apparent when I witnessed a rather horrific sight. I had decided to join the 3rd Company while they launched an attack on the Ork race on Levah III. The battle itself was bloody yet I gathered much from it, mainly on how they performed during battles. However it was the aftermath that was most intrueging. Many of the marines had suffered from broken bones, mainly in their arms and legs. Some had broken ribs and spines too, and in one case the whole skeletal structure of the marine was shattered. There were also cases of marines who could barely move, with one particular sergeant unable to move. I hadn't heard or seen such things before, although it seemed the Chapter had. They simply removed those that couldn't move from the battlefield. Those that could were helped to a temporary medical wing, where many of them received crude bionics until they returned back to their homeworld. I questioned the Company Master on the matter, pressing for an answer; however I got no reply, apart from:

 

"It happens quite frequently. We will manage, tis but a minor setback."

 

I decided that when the geneseed sample was sent off I would also request a thorough check of it to determine what was wrong. The report came back with no evidence of geneseed taint. I requested a check of one of the dead from that battle, to which the apothecary at the time hesitantly agreed. We checked the whole body and all the organs, but we didn't find much evidence, apart from that the dead marine's bones were brittle and snapped quite easily. Also I noticed the Ossmodula gland was an odd colour, so I requested it be removed and tested. The Apothecary refused at first, but after warning he finally confessed:

 

"We seem to have this horrible condition that makes the bone structure more brittle than normal. The effects vary but the general symptoms are a weaker skeletal bone structure. Although we have also found cases of the skeleton becoming completely solid, locking up joints and preventing movement. We've looked into this many times and found one common factor: the Ossmodula gland has malfunctioned. In many cases we have found that the gland itself is offcolour, often with a tint of green. We tested the bones and found a toxin that is produced inside the gland, so preventing it is virtually impossible. We've tried many treatments but none have worked. However we have often replaced broken bones with bionics, which has proven successful so far."

 

I was surprised by this, as I'm sure you will be too. However it is your judgement to decide what will be done about this Chapter. I for one am astounded at them still continuing to fight in the name of the Emperor.

 

 

Signed,

Lord Inquisitor Verak, Ordo Malleus"

 

 

The news of their curse has plagued the Chapter ever since the report was published. The Chapter is now under constant attention by the =][= to check on their progress, although it seems that the =][= is beginning to settle.

[Octavulg]

Point the first: Space Marines are not casual. They speak in a formal manner. Stop have them talking like you.

 

Point the second: Cursed Founding curses are all attempts to somehow improve the marines that go awry. Even the weird ones have some benefit - bursting into flames is mean in CC, for example. The Black Dragons' overactive Ossmodula could easily be an attempt to have stronger-boned marines. The Sons of Antaeus are tough mothers. The

 

In short, you need to figure out why they tried to create this effect in your marines.

[Heru]

The geneseed of the Chapter was unknown even to the Chapter, although I surmise that they from Ultramarine genestock, due to their strict adherance the Codex Astartes.

::Dons the Yoda robe::

 

"Geneseed does not a Codex adherent Chapter make."

 

I'm pretty sure I butchered that but I think you'll get my meaning.

[Wolfbiter]

Been following this thread with interest, and wanted to throw in an idea for consideration:

 

Most of the canon Cursed Founding chapters (with the possible exception of the Lamenters) have some benefit from their mutation/curse/whatever as well as a drawback.

 

Instead of having the Ossmodula fail and the bones becoming brittle, what about going the opposite route?

 

Initially, the Marines could have hyperactive Ossmodula glands that provide abnormal growth and thickening of their bones and cartilage that makes them unusually resistant to impact and cutting damage. Blades can barely cut them, they shrug off crashes and vehicle collisions...it's almost impossible to concuss or knock them out, even beyond the resilience of a normal Astartes. But here's the drawback: The Ossmodula never shuts off. Over a century or so, the bones fuse and thicken to the point that movement becomes impaired, and eventually the Marine will suffer severe physical impairment, immobility and death.

 

This means as veteran marines grow older, the Chapter's apothecaries must start replacing more and more of the bones with bionics (which wouldn't be easy, as the mutated bones resist cutting and damage anyway.) Effectively, the bones "turn to stone" and fuse inside older marines. Eventually, any surviving marines would be reduced to the point where they would either die, have their entire skeleton replaced somehow, or interred in Dreadnoughts.

 

What do you think?

[Hubernator]

Cheers for the comments guys :)

 

Point the first: Space Marines are not casual. They speak in a formal manner. Stop have them talking like you.

I did try to be formal. Although my English tendency to make it sound abit like me does catch me out. And I mean abit, I don't talk like that in reality :P

 

In short, you need to figure out why they tried to create this effect in your marines.

In true honesty, I've shamefully neglected this part :blush: Too busy considering the bad rather than the good.

 

***

 

I'm pretty sure I butchered that but I think you'll get my meaning.

Point made. I've done that twice now lol not going well...

 

***

 

Wolfbiter, you are what's effectively known as a lifesaver :D Just when I almost flop, you save the day :D Cheers. Your idea is very interesting, although I just thought about how that could work, as the Ossmodula malfunctions and produces toxins, so... *Light bulb lights up above head*

 

Got it! I'll rewrite it and see what you all think

[Wolfbiter]

No problem! I'm glad the idea works for you.

 

BTW, I must ask: How does one correctly pronouce "Feroce?" :blush:

[Octavulg]

Sounds awfully reminiscent of the Sons of Antaeus (well, what's known about them). Still, should work.

[Hubernator]

BTW, I must ask: How does one correctly pronouce "Feroce?" :blush:

it's pronounced "Fe-ross". Spelling it with 2 S'es somehow didn't look right :D

[Telveryon]

Can I offer an alternative replica for the Company Master?

"It happens quite frequently. We will manage, ti's but a minor setback."

[OwenCrute]

Looking much better than the original.

 

Keep going, Hubie!

[Hubernator]

Can I offer an alternative replica for the Company Master?

"It happens quite frequently. We will manage, ti's but a minor setback."

You can indeed. The more help the better ;) Cheers for the Tel :P

 

Looking much better than the original.

 

Keep going, Hubie!

Cheers Owen :)

 

 

Going to finish this off. C&C when it's done :)

[Telveryon]

The 21st Founding has been a mystery throughout the Imperium. In such times the geneseeds of those new Chapters that are part of this Founding have been tweaked, or one of the new implants initiates receive has been tweaked to make the new marines perform better in a certain attribute. One prime example was the Lords of Feroce. The Chapter's geneseed had been tweaked, particularly the Ossmodula gland. The gland was tweaked to improve the bone structure of new marines, and initial tests seemed to prove the new change a success. However this became less apparent during the Lords' first major battle, the Clash on Feroce.

There are far to many "tweaked" in that paragraph. Try changing some (preferably most) to "improved", "modified" or "bettered".

 

The war started on the recently chosen homeplanet, Feroce V. A Necron uprising began on one of the 4 continents of the planet, to which the Lords responded quickly. The Necrons decimated the entire environment of the continent, creating a barren wasteland. The Chapter struck the Necrons hard, hoping to eliminate them from long-range fire. This all worked well until they sent in assault squads to finish the job. Those squads never made it out alive, which did come as a small surprise to the Lords. After the battle the bodies were recovered, and what they saw astounded them. Every single one of those marines had broken bones throughout their bodies, except one marine who couldn't move at all. The marine was taken to the Fortress Monastary and tested, along with a few of his fallen brothers. The results showed that all of them had suffered structural problems to their skeletons; those that were dead had very brittle bones, the marine who was alive had a solid bone skeleton with no workable joints. The Apothecaries were worried at the results; it was a very pressing matter. The current Chapter Master ___ declared the matter be covered up and kept secret until a solution could be found.

Firstly, when you're dealing with Necrons, you don't have uprisings you have Awakening.

Secondly, I'd take out the part with the skeleton fusing during a battle, it takes quite a bit of time for enough skeletal tissue to form to fuse a joint. I'd suggest that during battle these marines instead start losing mobility and only after a few days does the skeleton completely fuse. Other then that, it's decent.

 

As for the whole Inquisitor part. I'd throw a few more hurdles in his path as a Chapter would try to cover up such a weakness much more fervently. I'd also suggest more tension between the Inquisition and the Chapter.

[Hubernator]

There are far to many "tweaked" in that paragraph. Try changing some (preferably most) to "improved", "modified" or "bettered".

Oops, my bad. I'll edit those then.

 

Firstly, when you're dealing with Necrons, you don't have uprisings you have Awakening.

Secondly, I'd take out the part with the skeleton fusing during a battle, it takes quite a bit of time for enough skeletal tissue to form to fuse a joint. I'd suggest that during battle these marines instead start losing mobility and only after a few days does the skeleton completely fuse. Other then that, it's decent.

I knew there was a name for it, I just couldn't remember what. Cheers for that.

 

As for the skeleton thing you make a fair point. When writing it I was thinking that the gland sort-of went into overdrive and produced the toxins, which in high rates had a reverse effect and the skeleton began a rapid growth expansion. Now that I think of that it's sounds a little daft. I'll change that part then.

 

As for the whole Inquisitor part. I'd throw a few more hurdles in his path as a Chapter would try to cover up such a weakness much more fervently. I'd also suggest more tension between the Inquisition and the Chapter.

Indeed. I was doing the limiter thing here because I didn't want too much in one section. I'll see what else I can stick in ;)

 

 

I've added the Origins into the first post so all the changes for it are in there.

[Bad Monkey]

I really like the idea of this curse,especially as it seems to have no advantage which isnt to often you see that. Most folks Always want to make thier beakies core as ....

 

just a quick suggestion,

 

The curse that your Lords iof Feroce have would, I believe, be the source of much shame and as somebody mentioned ealrier would be sign of failure. This might lead to the chapter over compensating in some areas for thier failing. Its just at the moment, what seems to have happend is the chapter master just went "woops we gots some bad bones here, shhh" and that was that. IF you make it a larger part of thier story. as it would give them a much deeper and compellling character.

 

Just my 2 bob, im fairly new to this whole DIY IA thing so i could well be talkin mince

[Hubernator]

I could go down that road. It is a thought I have mulled over. Although what I wanted for this Chapter is to for them to try and ignore their problems and prove they are just as good as the other Chapters.

 

It's a decent idea. As I said, I could do it. Depends what other people think. Also I'll have to see what Solcia and Eirik think.

 

 

PS Welcome to the site :P

[Lord Solcia]

I myself agree that a struggle with The Inquisition, or at least some tension would be a nice bit of character, as well as a chance for me to get back to writing. :huh:

[Hubernator]

Sounds like a unanimous idea lol I'll see what I can do, although my holidays are drawing to a close :teehee:

[Lord Howland Greywolf]

Well I like your chapters fluff, and I agree with some of the others here. Also note If you read my chapters fluff (notes) I did not steel the idea of a foulty organ. Besides mine does the opposite, making the bones stroger and larger untill the fuse up and the marine can no longer move. And this takes hundreds of years.

 

P.S. thanks for the name of the organ

[Hubernator]

Cheers. However I will point out that that's what'll happen in the other extreme for this Chapter. Sooo your idea kinda was already here before you put yours up :( I hate bursting bubbles...

 

By all means carry on though ;)

[Marshal Renatus]

Just a thought to perhaps explain the tendency of older marines to suffer from the malady. Instead of simply secreting some vague toxin, perhaps the Ossmodula reacts with the adrenaline created during battle. You point out several times that this strikes during battles or soon thereafter. Maybe the long term exposure of the Ossmodula to extended periods of higher adrenaline output creates a "snowball" effect with their bone structure? In essence, the more they fight and the harder they fight, the more likely they are to suffer from debilitation?

 

As to the "curse" part of it, perhaps the AdMech was attempting to create something akin to the nano-tube structure described, and were mildly successful. This created marines with substantially more dense bone mass able to resist wounds that would otherwise cripple them. This differentiates them from the Sons of Anteus, because they don't grow to that chapters mammoth size. It would take centuries before the "curse" of the gene-seed was noticed. And at that point, the Lords of Feroce would be storied heroes of the Imperium...similar to the BA. The were 100% pure until AFTER Sanguinius died...then bad things happened. (IIRC)

 

My $.02, hope it helps.