The Sons of Drachus

[Commander Skaav]

”Pre-Heresy” Son’s of Drachus Marines

”Post-Heresy” Children of the Dragon (uncorrupted and corrupted armour)

Chapter Master Maximus Drago (Knights of Revelation scheme without Dragon Sword)

Knights of Revelation (Formerly the “Sons of Drachus”)

The Sons of Drachus (also known as "Children of the Dragon") were allegedly formed during the 13th Founding and are rumoured according to civilian folklore to have within them the Gene Seed of the Salamander Space Marines. It is a well known fact that the Salamanders greatly dispute the origins of the Chapter, and have decreed the “Sons” as pretenders to Vulkan’s legacy.

When the two Chapters meet, the rivalry between them runs so deep, that it is near to impossible to convince them to work together. It is also open known that the Salamanders prefer to use heat based weapons and close quarter combat where as the Sons of Drachus hold little respect for such mannerisms, which drives a greater wedge between the two forces, as the disregard for such sacred weaponry is deemed heretical in the eyes of the Salamanders.

The early years of the Chapter's existence were shaky at best, the Imperium had faced numerous attacks by the Despoiler during his 4th "Black Crusade". The Chapter had been designated as a support force to some of the lesser known worlds, assisting with the recruitment of planetary defence forces. Several years after their supposed creation, It would be that on one of these worlds during a minor Chaos insurgence that the Chapter would make their first mark on the pages of history during the heat of battle.

To begin with they fought valiantly alongside their Chapter Master, It would be a captain of the 3rd Company who would lead the Chapter to victory against the Chaos Hordes lead by the Word Bearers throughout the many townships and fortified settled upon the planet of Ceres.

At the time Ceres had been deemed to be nothing more than insignificant to the Imperium but would be much more so in many years to come. It was on this once overlooked (at the time) blue green planet that the Chapter discovered the so called Dragon Sword of which their Commanders would carry in to battle for ever more.

The Dragon Sword is a jade green weapon rumoured to be made from the scales of a mighty lizard-like beast that slept in the southern regions of the planet located within the desolate desert; its skin so hard that anything forged from it would be indestructible or so the legend says.

With the sword in hand the Chapter marched to the City demanding surrender from its now traitorous governor. The demand was as expected refused and without hesitation a volley of Whirlwind fire crashed through the walls smashing them to pieces creating gaping entrances through which the Space Marines charged.

Whilst the captain of the 3rd Company led the men to victory in the city streets, it would be Commander Maximus Drago who would lead the final assault upon the citadel. With his best veterans in tow, they donned the sacred Terminator armour held within the greatest vaults of their fortress ships, and marched through the more heavily defended alley ways, facing resistance as they went

As the Marines moved closer towards the great citadel; the Chapters Grand Librarian of the day had begun to feel the power held over them in the form of daemons and other vicious warp entities. There was unknown to them though, a much darker agenda afoot within the great citadel.

The structure itself had been built like a secondary city; fortresses of black stone towering above even the Warlord Titans that marched through the smoking ruins. The command unit entered and were forced to face their darkest hour.

The Despoiler had now made his presence known and forced the bewildered Space Marines into combat unleashing Chaos beasts from within the warp like no man had ever seen. The Commander and his chosen men fought valiantly against a great beast of Nurgle, his chain sword successfully decapitated the creature but for his efforts a second took its place and with its talons struck the Chapter Master an almighty blow.

The Marines pursued it towards the main Throne room, but only Maximus reached the entrance, doors closing behind him. A trap set by the forces of Chaos, perhaps to seduce him to their side. Those who had followed could only stand in horror as they heard the results of the battle that ensued within.

Unfortunately for the Chapter the battle was in vain. It seemed an age before finally, an ear splitting groan of pain could be heard, and the sound of a lifeless suit of armour falling to the floor. It was clear the daemonic fiend had successfully bagged its quarry.

Within the confines of the Citadel's Throne-room, Maximus lay on the floor almost lifeless. During the diversion the Warmaster had managed to retreat back to his ship. The Chapter's honour lay in ruins much like the city and the Chapters surviving leaders realised it would take years to rebuild what they had lost.

Due to the intensity of the battle the Apothecaries had been unable to reach their fallen Chapter Master. The Terminators set around a cordon, keeping any none Astartes personnel at bay. It took several hours to prize open the doors, but upon doing so they discovered that his body had vanished all that was left behind was the Dragon Sword.

The time had come for the Chapter to withdraw back to its Fortress Monastery, regain its losses, and find a new leader. The first directive would be easy, the second would be a more complex decision, and it would be such a decision that would take the Chapter into its darkest period.

With the loss of their Chapter Master, the dejected marines left the planet in the hands of the Imperial guard. It would take a many long number of years to restore their forces to the full number it had been during the Ceres conflict.

The senior officers held a vigil over the Dragon Sword, and whilst doing so, prepared to make their decision on who should become the next Master of the Chapter. The vigil and discussion lasted almost an entire year, during which time, sufficient numbers were made to restore partial losses, yet it would be a long road to full recovery.

It should have been decided that the title of Master would be passed to the most obvious candidate, the Captain of the 1st Company, but fate took a strange turn, and it passed to the Captain of the 3rd Company who so valiantly lead his men in the campaign on Ceres. It would be a decision, many of the senior officers would come to regret.

Their newly elected leader at the time went by the name of Maximillian Hades, a man so obsessed with making himself famous, a man so obsessed with power that he failed to see the dangers he would be heading for. It would mark the beginning of the end for the Sons of Drachus as they would be remembered.

Little is known of Maximillian’s true origins but many believe he was from a noble household in the Ultramar sector so how then he came to be part of the Sons of Drachus and not the Ultramarines is unknown, due to their histories before their fall being expunged, but he like many recruits joined the chapter as soon as they were old enough to do so.

The young Maximillian Hades to his peers came across arrogant brash and eager. The Librarium of the Chapter ran all the tests but could find no flaws of a mental type the Chaplains (inadvisably ) passed it off as a phase of youth and hoped he would simply mature during his tenure in the 10th company.

It was found he excelled in all his tests and once he had successfully moved to the 3rd Company at the request of its Captain he began to serve like the rest of his chapter with the greatest of honour. He gained many awards along the way included the coveted Laurel for bravery in action when he assisted in the evacuation of a medical outpost during a rather difficult conflict with the Orks.

After many years service, Maximillian finally gained his first taste of power when he gained the exalted position of 3rd Company Captain, a position he had yearned for so long.

It was also whilst in the 3rd Company that he would meet his future Chief Librarian who through rigorous training had become one of the most power Librarians in the Chapter and it would lead to Maximillian ‘s undoing!

Before the assumed death of Commander Maximus the Chapter of the Sons of Drachus had been known as a noble and loyal chapter within the Adeptus Astartes; but after Maximillian Hades came to power it slowly began to decline, the Chapter fell into disorder marine struck brother marine, and infighting was rife amongst the now rival tactical squads.

It was not uncommon for a passing merchant to later tell stories of Space Marines who fought against their own almost describing it as something out of the Horus Heresy. The High Lords of Terror decided that action should be taken immediately and with that in mind the Inquisition was dispatched to investigate.

After five long years the Ordo Hereticus failed to come up with any strong evidence of the Chapter's corruption. They still had their ever deepening suspicions of course. Even though the Chapter as a whole were not currently showing any signs of the alleged corruption, there was at least one man they watched closely. Very closely!

This one man they watched in particular was Maximillian‘s closest advisor, a man by the name of Sutehk who seemed to influence the commander most of all. For it was in his guise as the Chapters Grand Librarian that Sutehk slowly attempted to place the seed of chaos within the Commander's mind in the hope that he would follow the Chaos Gods.

He encouraged the arrogance within Maximillian Hades to return to the surface and not only this he also encouraged a lust for power and control and worst of all Sutehk encouraged him to gain a thirst for vengeance against those who took his predecessor from them and slowly he was driven to despair.

Finally once his last drop of faith in the Imperium melted away he finally swore fealty to the Chaos Powers and declared that the Chapter would assist the Warmaster in his never ending quest to bring down the Imperium of man.

The marines who felt loyal to Maximillian met with him and agreed that they too would serve the ruinous powers and chose to align themselves with Tzeentch whom it was felt would grant them the powers they would need to change their fortune. It was at this point the Inquisition took full notice of the Chapter's unholy activities and placed an order of Excommunicate Traitoris on the Marines.

The Inquisition dispatched a combined force of Battle Sisters and Grey knights to extinguish the Chapters existence. Little did they realise that there were infact those amongst the Traitors who still felt loyalty to the Imperium and were prepared to fight against their own brethren who had betrayed them.

In the confusion of the battle those who had remained loyal cut down their brothers in an endless swathe of blood but it was not enough to prove their innocence and so they fled towards the Eye of Terror, a literal admission of guilt in the eyes of the Inquisition!

The Traitors too fled into the eye of terror, they met up with the Warmaster's fleet, and a small number of the renegades (including Sutekh) repainted their loyalist armour in the colours of the Black Legion, the remainder along with Maximillian chose to keep their Chapter's original colours, although even they re-designed the scheme to a quarted style rather than their former traditional scheme.

For the remainder of the Loyalist Marines, including Aristotle and Octavian, who had managed to regain some form of order amongst the men, it was not until they had reached warp space within the eye of Terror that the full result of the damage to their numbers had become trule noted.

Now they were lost, leaderless, and worst of all regarded as Traitors, it would be a long and treacherous road before they would be able to begin rebuilding their numbers, and perhaps, just perhaps regain a little redemption in the eyes of the Emperor, though even a little would never be enough to convince the forces of the Inquisition.

Whilst within the warp, the two remaining highest ranking officers, Aristotle and Octavian, called together the remaining company captains to prepare for the reorganisation of the chapter. It would be through this meeting they would work out just how much damage Maximillian and Sutekh has caused during the dividing.

They soon came to learn that out of the ten companies, the Veterans of the first along with the second and third companies had all fallen to Sutehk's teachings. Such was the power of his influence on Maximillian Hades and his command unit. The Fourth Company had been wiped out leaving only five companies remaining. It was decided that the survivors would be reorganised.

So each Company was promoted. It was of great celebration when the new first company discovered the Chapter’s sacred suits of Terminator armour within the hull of their ships discarded by their brethren with abandon.

No one is certain of why this had been carried out but stories are told amongst civilian camps that these suits were marked with holy blessings designed the ward off the powers of the warp, and were thus useless to the traitors.

Soon they were strong enough to return to the Imperium and prove their loyalty to the God-Emperor but they would not be entirely leaderless for an unexpected event would bring them back to a very revered figure.

The Chapter's fleet travelled deeper into the warp attempting to find the beacon of the Astronimican. It was then they fell out of the warp and into what they believed to be an uncharted region of real space. A single planet orbiting around a small nearly burnt out orange sun caught the Chapter's attention and in the hopes of information for their current location they decided to land a small group to make contact.

How this planet managed to survive whilst orbiting such dying star remains to this day a mystery, though there are many rumours that this planet may actually be controlled by forces unknown, and perhaps a far darker force than most would expect.

Little did the Loyalist Chapter Leaders realise, the significance of the planet’s name, for the world had been named by its inhabitants as “Revelation”. It would be upon this very world that the Sons of Drachus would make such a discovery, that would not only be the start of restoration, but it would be the start of new found faith in the Emperor.

Chief Librarian Malakai and Master of Sanctity Eurynomos lead the party for they knew that diplomacy would be a major factor in gaining the trust and aid of the population. It would be on this world that the greatest revelation would be revealed to them for enthroned in the grand temple held in full healing stasis was Maximus Drago.

The people spoke of how the figure they had rescued, simply appeared before them during a festival, murmuring the name of the God-Emperor and that of the Sons of Drachus. They were scientifically advanced enough to preserve his body but to their amazement it had begun to miraculously heal itself.

On the instruction of the Chapter, Maximus was revived now fully healed thanks to the technology used. Using the charts of the planet's elders they discovered that they were infact close to the Cadian system. The Marines had now discovered a world suitable to replenish their losses.

At long last they could begin to restore the Sons of Drachus in both number and honour. Surely a blessing from the Emperor in any sense, this could be their chance to regain their lost honour that their fallen Brethren had taken.

To many this factor seems a little too convenient how could a Chapter of Space Marines that have taken heavy losses simply find a world un an uncharted sector close to one the Imperium had mapped long before? Find it though they did and slowly they begun to regain strength the planet's male population being ideal for adaptation to Space Marines.

After much deliberation between the newly revived Master and his inner circle, it had been decided that it would be best to change the name of the Chapter for the good of the world they now called home, and for their own survival.

A new name was quickly decided upon and the Chapter became entitled as the “Knights of Revelation” after their new home. Unfortunately, no matter what their name, their return to the Imperium had already drawn much unwanted attention.

They too also changed their armour scheme. No more was it their noble house scheme of Regal Purple and Orange, it had changed to a colour scheme of Dark Grey with Orange Trim to resemble their home world’s environment.

It soon became clear to them that the Inquisition had taken a deep interest in the Chapter, and it was well known that the decree of “Excommunicate Traitoris” still hung over them and still does to this day.

Now the Chapter fights on two fronts, for not only do they fight their Renegade Brethren, who attempt to draw the rest of the Brothers over to Chaos, but so do they have to face the might of the Inquisition.

On numerous occasions, these two elements have faced each other, and every time the “Sons” as they are still called by their former Brethren, (for no matter how much they change their name or armour scheme, to their enemies they will always be “The Sons of Drachus”) have managed to escape, as if assisted by a greater power, of which we may never know the full extent of.

It had been approximately a hundred years since their return when the “Sons” or “Knights” (depending on who spoke of them) faced their greatest challenge yet. The forces of the Inquisition still pursued them with great zeal, lead by one Inquisitor Vladimir Jovek of the Order Hereticus.

Accompanied by a fellow inquisitor, one Lady Helena Kasdrovan, the two hunted the Chapter like a Ceres Death Lyon hunts its prey. Going to each world where the Chapter had been sighted. It would be on the Jungle World of Catachan that they would corner the Chapter, in the hopes that the environment would finish them off should there be survivors.

Unfortunately for the Inquisition, the Chapter had somehow gained knowledge of the planet, its terrain and its creatures, and were able to swiftly counter all attacks brought towards them. The battle that followed is not fully documented, and most survivors were transformed into servitors in order to keep the truth from the rest of the Imperium.

The Inquisition has gone a long way, and taken extreme measures to hide what occurred on Catachan. It is said that the losses of their forces were so heavy that only the two Inquisitors and their retinue remained, being forced to flee the planet.

A legend has arisen amongst the civilian hive worlds which speaks of the day mysterious unseen entities loomed out of the forest, cutting down all who stood in their path, except that of the “Knights”. No one truly knows what happened during that fateful day, but it left the Astartes victorious, and the Inquisition, humiliated.

Some say they had assistance from daemons, sent by their former Chief Librarian, Sutekh in the hope that it would draw the rest of his brethren towards Chaos, should they witness its full might. Others believe it to have been Tau stealth units, if so, why had there been no Tau detected in the vicinity of Catachan at the time?

Most maintain though that the so-called spirits that attacked the Inquisition were elements of the God-Emperor himself, defending his own sons, perhaps needing them to remain outside the jurisdiction Imperium, in order to complete some greater purpose the Chapter may have been set up to carry out.

What ever the truth in the matter, it will never be fully known; the Inquisition has expunged all records of the battle, except for the details that involve a few of their victories. The rest is mere conjecture, and complete hearsay on the parts of the civilians.

The inquisition still hunts the Chapter to this day with a great brutality, it is also known that the Salamanders and Dark Angels have also joined them on many occasions, due to having similar interests in seeing the eradication of the “Sons”. The Salamanders because of their hatred for the Chapter’s claims, and the Dark Angels in the belief that the Chapter may infact be harbouring members of the Fallen.

A great majority of all the Chapters tend to keep their distance from this particular force, the Ultramarines do not regard them as true Marines, for they no longer adhere to the Codex Astartes. The Blood Angels and Space Wolves secretly perhaps are little more tolerant but rarely do they communicate with them, for to do so would bring the Inquisition down upon them, and such an event would bring shame to the Chapters.

There are some more unconventional Chapters in the Imperium who perhaps may tolerate most of all the deviation of the “Knights of Revelation” but they are few and far between, and perhaps they themselves are close to being declared “Excommunicate Traitoris”. It is a documented fact that they have been seen to fight alongside one other chapter that has been declared as such, being the Soul Drinkers.

The indoctrination process for a member of the Chapter is a long and arduous process, luckily, due to them ever wishing to prove their loyalty to the Emperor, have continued to use the skills of the Apothecaries, not only this, but the Chapter's Chaplains remain with them, almost as if proving their innocence against the oppressive powers of the Inquisition.

The doctrine of the chapter involves constant firepower, utilising endless firepower in the form of predators, whirlwinds, razorbacks. The Chapter sacrificed the usage of Rhinos though they make use of Drop Pods and their Land Raiders for larger troop movements, for this very reason. They also use energy weapons in the form of Plasma and Las technology, furthering the dispute between them and the Salamanders. To most outsiders, the Chapter follows all rules laid down in the Codex Astartes, more akin to the Ultramarines.

The Sons of Drachus follow the standard organisation codes within the Adeptus Astartes, except for the lack of rhinos, and the increase in fire support for siege warfare. They follow a strict command in regards to ranks, weapons and vehicles.

They are well known for creating tight formations to carry out numerous hit and run raids. The only elements they have that bares any relation to their alleged Progenitor Legion, is the use of a single Land Raider Redeemer amongst their more conventional Land Raiders, kept for use by the Chapter Master and his Command Squad.

Before the Fall: "For the Dragon, For the Imperium, For the Emperor!"

As to whom the Dragon actually is unknown, many though believe it to be linked as their title for their alleged progenitor, Vulkan, Primarch of the Salamanders, however, the true origin of this particular battle cry was lost when the records of the Chapter were expunged at the time of their fall.


Renegades: "We are the Son's of Drachus; we are the Children of the Dragon!"

This is was the second battle cry used by the Chapter when Maximillian Hades lead them, after the Chapter’s fall and subsequent division, the Renegades kept this as their battle cry, whilst the “Loyalists” changed their own when they altered their Chapter Name and scheme.


After their return from the Warp: "We are the Son's of the Imperium; we are the Knights of Revelation!"

This is the Chapter’s most recently heard battle cry. It can be assumed that this is an attempt to hide their true identity whilst on the battle field.

There is no longer any record available of the Son’s of Drachus original home world, having now been expunged from the records. It is noted though that their world was declared “Exterminatus” by the Inquisition at the time of their fall. Now all that remains is a forgotten, forsaken, lifeless dead husk floating around a forgotten sun.

The most recent documents to come to light are in regards to their new home world, settled by the Chapter after their return from the Warp. Though little is known of the planet named “Revelation” and what is known is mere speculation, and is gleamed from the stories of those who have visited the world. Some say it is rocky, with the Chapters citadel built on a vast rocky outcrop, others say that the planet is a vast desert, baked by extreme temperatures, and populated by deadly Tyranid-like creatures, perhaps some offshoot species even.

The story most commonly spoken of is a vast volcanic world dotted by rocky islands, the new colour scheme of the Chapter would support such claims. The vast lava flows are said to be patrolled by lava beasts, which the Sons of Drachus have managed to domesticate, using them as guardians which patrol the outer walls of the citadel.

The Sons of Drachus have a close tie to the creatures, which show a fierce loyalty to their Astartes masters. There is very little data though as both the Chapter and the people who share the planet with are extremely protective, often denying access to the many survey groups sent to verify the truth of the matter, and in reality the whole story of the planet may not ever be known completely.

The following names are the current commanders of the loyalist side of the chapter:

Commander Maximus Drago - Chapter Master and Champion of the Sons of Drachus

Chief Librarian Aristotle Malakai - Master of the Librarium, and Chief Remembrancer

Master of Sancity Octavian Eurynomos - Voice of the Emperor, Keeper of the Emperor's Word

There is so much conjecture in regards to the Chapter's origins, and home world, that it could be deemed impossible to make a full conclusion, but what little is known in regards to the Chapter's history, and their obsessive behaviour towards glory.

This makes them a perfect warning for all who would believe their own publicity, and declare themselves the greatest ever. It should be a warning taken very seriously, or else as a senior officer of the Imperial Guard once put it "you'll never hear the end of it!"

[Lord Howland Greywolf]

This is one of the best first drafsI have read. But I have to say there are a few niggles.

 

1) The early years of the Chapter's existence were shaky at best; the Imperium had faced numerous attacks by the Despoiler, during his 13th "Black Crusade" (better known as the Eye of Terror Campaign), as a support chapter to some of the lesser known worlds. It would be during one particular Chaos insurgence that the Chapter would make their first mark on the pages of history during the heat of battle.

 

this implies that they were created after the 13th black crusade, thus after the pre-established foundings. perhaps you could change it to "after one of the despoilers early black crusades"

 

2) "We are the Children of the Dragon; we are the Children of Suronia!"

There is no evidence to show who or what the Dragon actually is, some say its Commander Maximus, some say it's Maximillian (though this is highly unlikely), and there are those who believe it to be the Void Dragon, the most powerful of the C'tan, this of course has never been proved, and it is deemed highly heretical by the inquisition if it is true.

 

wouldnt there be the excepted (or at least put forward) meaning that the dragon is the emperor?

 

3) it was known that Maximillian was not the strictest of people, even by marine standards

 

while space marines arent pre-ocupied with paraod ground disapline, they are still very strict. shouldnt be too hard to alter this though.

[Commander Skaav]

This is one of the best first drafsI have read. But I have to say there are a few niggles.

 

1) The early years of the Chapter's existence were shaky at best; the Imperium had faced numerous attacks by the Despoiler, during his 13th "Black Crusade" (better known as the Eye of Terror Campaign), as a support chapter to some of the lesser known worlds. It would be during one particular Chaos insurgence that the Chapter would make their first mark on the pages of history during the heat of battle.

 

this implies that they were created after the 13th black crusade, thus after the pre-established foundings. perhaps you could change it to "after one of the despoilers early black crusades"

 

2) "We are the Children of the Dragon; we are the Children of Suronia!"

There is no evidence to show who or what the Dragon actually is, some say its Commander Maximus, some say it's Maximillian (though this is highly unlikely), and there are those who believe it to be the Void Dragon, the most powerful of the C'tan, this of course has never been proved, and it is deemed highly heretical by the inquisition if it is true.

 

wouldnt there be the excepted (or at least put forward) meaning that the dragon is the emperor?

 

3) it was known that Maximillian was not the strictest of people, even by marine standards

 

while space marines arent pre-ocupied with paraod ground disapline, they are still very strict. shouldnt be too hard to alter this though.

 

Some good points, here, don't worry, I'll make the necessary changes. :D :)

[Commander Skaav]

I've now completed the editing for the Chapter's history, it should be a little more accurate, so hopefully it should work. :D

[Lord Howland Greywolf]

good job.

[Commander Skaav]

good job.

 

Thanks :lol:.

[Abbadons Chosen]

i like

[Commander Skaav]

i like

 

Thanks. :)

 

The Sons of Drachus are making a come back, so watch this space B).

[Commander Skaav]

I found all my old space marines (minus vehicles, coz they were converted for my Chaos Marine army), so I'm going to prep them in order to bring the Sons of Drachus back into the Imperium! :D :D ^_^

[keije]

and there are those who believe it to be the Void Dragon, the most powerful of the C'tan

Who believes this? The Eldar? Because they are the only ones who know about the Void Dragon right now (Abaddon used demons to learn of the existence of the "death on mars", but even he doesn't know who it is). The name Void Dragon is only known to the Imperium as the Eldar tank, even the Inquisition doesn't know about the sleeping Dragon of Mars (thanks to Deceiver's machinations). Some Dark Adeptus knew, but they were all exterminated as heretics and no investigation was made. The entrance to his tomb is believed to be poisoned by extreme and impervious levels of radiation, the area was flooded with plasteel (or something even harder) so right now there is no way to get there without some major excavation that would have to be simply too great to be kept a secret.

 

We only know about Void Dragon because the omniscient narrator tells this to us in codices. Imperium doesn't have this benefit.

[Commander Skaav]

and there are those who believe it to be the Void Dragon, the most powerful of the C'tan

Who believes this? The Eldar? Because they are the only ones who know about the Void Dragon right now (Abaddon used demons to learn of the existence of the "death on mars", but even he doesn't know who it is). The name Void Dragon is only known to the Imperium as the Eldar tank, even the Inquisition doesn't know about the sleeping Dragon of Mars (thanks to Deceiver's machinations). Some Dark Adeptus knew, but they were all exterminated as heretics and no investigation was made. The entrance to his tomb is believed to be poisoned by extreme and impervious levels of radiation, the area was flooded with plasteel (or something even harder) so right now there is no way to get there without some major excavation that would have to be simply too great to be kept a secret.

 

We only know about Void Dragon because the omniscient narrator tells this to us in codices. Imperium doesn't have this benefit.

 

You're point is a valid one, I will amend the peice immediately, I have to admit that at the time the fact did not cross my mind.

 

Thanks for the input :down:.

[keije]

Thanks for the input :).

No problem, overall I like what you have going here. Even though in the beginning it sounds like the chapter is a pure joke, declaring them cannon fodder for IG might be a bit much.

[Commander Skaav]

No problem, overall I like what you have going here. Even though in the beginning it sounds like the chapter is a pure joke, declaring them cannon fodder for IG might be a bit much.

 

I've rethought that too, and put it down thus...

 

"The Chapter indeed made their mark, but not as they would wish it to be, for they had become known as a constant failure in battle, due to a alleged break down in the chain of command, and were therefore engaged in lesser conflicts, acting as peacekeepers rather than defenders."

 

Once again, thanks for the input Keije, it's greatly appreciated, as is all input I gain from my fellow gamers. :D :) ;)

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Keije caught all the points that jumped straight off the page for me. I might have to work to find something worth picking at now :P

[Commander Skaav]

Keije caught all the points that jumped straight off the page for me. I might have to work to find something worth picking at now :huh:

 

I would love to hear any C&C from readers, it will help to develop the Chapter as a whole. :blink: <_< :unsure:

[Commander Skaav]

Any one reading this may be wondering what a Predator Inferno is, it is something I created for Apocalypse games, and could be utilised as a more heavily armed Hellhound by the Astartes (I think I have still have an article up about it). Thought I'd mention it before any one mentions it.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

*Rubs hands together, grins evilly* Right! You did ask. :)

 

-

 

Well one of the only things I can nitpick on at the moment is that the chapter is of Salamanders Gene Seed. Rather, what I want to know is if we know this as the omniscient observer or if it is Imperial Record. Its just in the opening paragraph it seems to be both stated with certainty and disputed at the same time, which I understand seeing as the only suspected Salamanders successor is the Storm Giants (did I get it right this time?) and no others on record.

 

Another thing I noticed is a tend towards being overly brief with your early battles in the Origins section. While keeping it short for brevities sake is great and can help avoid the feeling of an article being too long or wordy, I am personally finding it to be sorely lacking in details, especially in the second of the two end paragraphs of Origins.

 

Maximus lead his command unit through the city towards the great citadel, his chief librarian had begun to feel the power held over them, in the form of daemons, and other vicious warp entities, but there was a much darker agenda afoot within the great citadel, built like a secondary city, a fortress of black stone, towering above even the Warlord Titans that marched through the smoking ruins.

 

Comma Invasion? Way, way too many commas. It makes a huge sentence that really doesent look right or read too healthily. Full stops are fine as are compact, succinct sentences. Try to break it up as best you can, everone does it so nothing to really worry about.

 

The command unit entered, and were forced to face their darkest hour, for the Despoiler had made himself present, and forced the bewildered Space Marines into combat, unfortunately, it was in vain, Maximus lay on the floor, supposedly lifeless, the Warmaster had retreated back to his ship, and the Chapter lie in ruins, much like the city, it would take years to rebuild what they had lost. It was from this moment onwards, that their story would take a downward turn, for it was this point, that they gained a new leader, by the name of Maximillian, a man so obsessed with making himself famous, a man so obsessed with power, that he failed to see the dangers he would be heading for, it would be the beginning of the end for the Sons of Drachus.

 

Now, forgive me for being a bit dense but the total lack of detailed descriptions of events leaves me feeling a bit like I was rushed through at closing time, leaflet in hand but only able to grab quick glimpses of what I was here to see. A more measured approach with a few more details would definetly not go amiss here in my opinion. Oh and "the Warmaster had retreated back to his ship, and the Chapter lie in ruins" would read much better if it firstly, was better punctuated - my above comments on the overabundance of commas in modern society are particuarly pertinent - and if it said "lay in ruins" or simply restructure the sentence as it is suffering from being part of a huge huge sentence once again.

 

The other thing that comes to mind is how did Maximillion - disregarding for the moment the Astral Claws and Huron - even gain entrance into the Astartes with such an aparrently blatant psychological flaw or predisposition? Also if this chapter is younger than the Astral Claws would not the lessons learned there impact on subsequent induction procedures? (My head is not with the dates at the moment)

 

It was not uncommon for a passing merchant to later tell stories of Space Marines who fought against their own, almost describing it as something out of the Horus Heresy. The High Lords of Terror decided that action should be taken immediately, and that the Inquisition should have been dispatched.

 

One thing I just noticed is that your mixing your tenses. Just as you did above with lie (present) and lay (past) you have done it here too. The High Lords of Terra, just clearing up a spelling error. The bit in the quote in bold doesent really work. Should have been dispatched? That usually implies that something should have been done, but wasn't. However later in the piece you go on to talk about the OH finding nothing of Heresy.

 

Secondly, if something like this was more common than not, you would think another chapter or the Inquisition would have stepped in a lot longer ago. For a story to become uncommon in its telling time does have to pass and people have to remark on its increasing regularity in being reported. Space Marines - especially of the same chapter - fighting eachother in what appears to be open combat does not normally go unnoticed.

 

This was due to one man in particular who seemed to influence the commander most of all, the Chapter's chief Librarian, Sutehk, now known better to be the "Blasphemer", and a servant of the Black Legion.

 

Now hold on. The Ordo Hereticus, not known for their subtlety but very well known for their efficiency at ferreting out traitors missed the corruption of the chapters cheif librarian? I would like to see some details on how this was possible given the resources at the OH's disposal and their apparent long and exhaustive investigation that reported no such corruption. Yes this did happen in the PC game "Dawn of War", however I'm not convinced of its validity, considering that I don't like the fact that the Blood Ravens popped out of nowhere with some spurious fluff that the fluffers here at B&C took pains to avoid this is not going to rate too highly on my favour-o-meter. But then, this is just me here. :D

 

But the Commander's willpower was matched only by his sanity, and what little sanity he had left

 

I think I know what your trying to say here, but it should be reworded, as it is it doesen't quite work. "But the Commanders strength of will was matched only by what little sanity he had left." for example. However I honestly don't like the sentence. Perhaps replaced with something else that can illustrate the same point.

 

It was during the period around the end of the 39th Millenium known to the Chapter as "the divide" that the 1st to 3rd companies allegedly fell to the Ruinous powers, thus leaving the 4th to 9th companies leaderless.

 

Now, why and how did the 1st company, a chapters veterans, its most battle-hardened and loyal warriors become the first to be corrupted? Surely they should be the last to be corrupted. Where were the chaplains? Why, pray tell, did it leave the 4th and 9th companies leaderless? Don't they have their own captains? Each company is supposed to have its own captain independant of the other companies. Not only that but if the 4th and 9th were indeed leaderless, why only the 4th and 9th?

 

Where was the Inquisition during this? If a chapters strength dropped so rapidly as entire companies upping sticks and leaving they really would have something to say about it. They likely would have left observers with the chapter given the investigation into them was criminally short (five years is not a long period of time in the Imperium). Not only that but if they had found out about the subsequent heresy, the entire chapter may well have been purged for safeties sake. A good explanation is needed as to why they weren't.

 

-

 

Its not a bad idea for the chapter, I like it. Having constantly over-achieving chapters to read over makes this one a nice change, and a rather human one if not a particuarly Astartes one. Do continue with it and polish it up as I'd like to see this garner a permanent spot here.

[Commander Skaav]

*Rubs hands together, grins evilly* Right! You did ask. ;)

 

-

 

Well one of the only things I can nitpick on at the moment is that the chapter is of Salamanders Gene Seed. Rather, what I want to know is if we know this as the omniscient observer or if it is Imperial Record. Its just in the opening paragraph it seems to be both stated with certainty and disputed at the same time, which I understand seeing as the only suspected Salamanders successor is the Storm Giants (did I get it right this time?) and no others on record.

 

Another thing I noticed is a tend towards being overly brief with your early battles in the Origins section. While keeping it short for brevities sake is great and can help avoid the feeling of an article being too long or wordy, I am personally finding it to be sorely lacking in details, especially in the second of the two end paragraphs of Origins.

 

Maximus lead his command unit through the city towards the great citadel, his chief librarian had begun to feel the power held over them, in the form of daemons, and other vicious warp entities, but there was a much darker agenda afoot within the great citadel, built like a secondary city, a fortress of black stone, towering above even the Warlord Titans that marched through the smoking ruins.

 

Comma Invasion? Way, way too many commas. It makes a huge sentence that really doesent look right or read too healthily. Full stops are fine as are compact, succinct sentences. Try to break it up as best you can, everone does it so nothing to really worry about.

 

The command unit entered, and were forced to face their darkest hour, for the Despoiler had made himself present, and forced the bewildered Space Marines into combat, unfortunately, it was in vain, Maximus lay on the floor, supposedly lifeless, the Warmaster had retreated back to his ship, and the Chapter lie in ruins, much like the city, it would take years to rebuild what they had lost. It was from this moment onwards, that their story would take a downward turn, for it was this point, that they gained a new leader, by the name of Maximillian, a man so obsessed with making himself famous, a man so obsessed with power, that he failed to see the dangers he would be heading for, it would be the beginning of the end for the Sons of Drachus.

 

Now, forgive me for being a bit dense but the total lack of detailed descriptions of events leaves me feeling a bit like I was rushed through at closing time, leaflet in hand but only able to grab quick glimpses of what I was here to see. A more measured approach with a few more details would definetly not go amiss here in my opinion. Oh and "the Warmaster had retreated back to his ship, and the Chapter lie in ruins" would read much better if it firstly, was better punctuated - my above comments on the overabundance of commas in modern society are particuarly pertinent - and if it said "lay in ruins" or simply restructure the sentence as it is suffering from being part of a huge huge sentence once again.

 

The other thing that comes to mind is how did Maximillion - disregarding for the moment the Astral Claws and Huron - even gain entrance into the Astartes with such an aparrently blatant psychological flaw or predisposition? Also if this chapter is younger than the Astral Claws would not the lessons learned there impact on subsequent induction procedures? (My head is not with the dates at the moment)

 

It was not uncommon for a passing merchant to later tell stories of Space Marines who fought against their own, almost describing it as something out of the Horus Heresy. The High Lords of Terror decided that action should be taken immediately, and that the Inquisition should have been dispatched.

 

One thing I just noticed is that your mixing your tenses. Just as you did above with lie (present) and lay (past) you have done it here too. The High Lords of Terra, just clearing up a spelling error. The bit in the quote in bold doesent really work. Should have been dispatched? That usually implies that something should have been done, but wasn't. However later in the piece you go on to talk about the OH finding nothing of Heresy.

 

Secondly, if something like this was more common than not, you would think another chapter or the Inquisition would have stepped in a lot longer ago. For a story to become uncommon in its telling time does have to pass and people have to remark on its increasing regularity in being reported. Space Marines - especially of the same chapter - fighting eachother in what appears to be open combat does not normally go unnoticed.

 

This was due to one man in particular who seemed to influence the commander most of all, the Chapter's chief Librarian, Sutehk, now known better to be the "Blasphemer", and a servant of the Black Legion.

 

Now hold on. The Ordo Hereticus, not known for their subtlety but very well known for their efficiency at ferreting out traitors missed the corruption of the chapters cheif librarian? I would like to see some details on how this was possible given the resources at the OH's disposal and their apparent long and exhaustive investigation that reported no such corruption. Yes this did happen in the PC game "Dawn of War", however I'm not convinced of its validity, considering that I don't like the fact that the Blood Ravens popped out of nowhere with some spurious fluff that the fluffers here at B&C took pains to avoid this is not going to rate too highly on my favour-o-meter. But then, this is just me here. ;)

 

But the Commander's willpower was matched only by his sanity, and what little sanity he had left

 

I think I know what your trying to say here, but it should be reworded, as it is it doesen't quite work. "But the Commanders strength of will was matched only by what little sanity he had left." for example. However I honestly don't like the sentence. Perhaps replaced with something else that can illustrate the same point.

 

It was during the period around the end of the 39th Millenium known to the Chapter as "the divide" that the 1st to 3rd companies allegedly fell to the Ruinous powers, thus leaving the 4th to 9th companies leaderless.

 

Now, why and how did the 1st company, a chapters veterans, its most battle-hardened and loyal warriors become the first to be corrupted? Surely they should be the last to be corrupted. Where were the chaplains? Why, pray tell, did it leave the 4th and 9th companies leaderless? Don't they have their own captains? Each company is supposed to have its own captain independant of the other companies. Not only that but if the 4th and 9th were indeed leaderless, why only the 4th and 9th?

 

Where was the Inquisition during this? If a chapters strength dropped so rapidly as entire companies upping sticks and leaving they really would have something to say about it. They likely would have left observers with the chapter given the investigation into them was criminally short (five years is not a long period of time in the Imperium). Not only that but if they had found out about the subsequent heresy, the entire chapter may well have been purged for safeties sake. A good explanation is needed as to why they weren't.

 

-

 

Its not a bad idea for the chapter, I like it. Having constantly over-achieving chapters to read over makes this one a nice change, and a rather human one if not a particuarly Astartes one. Do continue with it and polish it up as I'd like to see this garner a permanent spot here.

 

I have to say your input is greatly appreciated :D. A couple of things I ought to go through myself, I have to agree with you greatly that after reading and re-reading, I too am beginning to think there's fare too many Commas. I will of course amend this to ensure it's easier to read. :D

 

In regards to the spelling sistake for Terra, that wasn't me, that was Microsoft Word <_< , it kept changing Terra to Terror automatically, personally, I can't stand "Word" for that reason but it's interface is so userfriendly :lol: ^_^.

 

The part that says the 4th and the 9th Companies, should be the 4th to the 9th Companies, as in 4th, 5th, 6th, so on and so forth, and I agree I haven't made it quite clear, I meant Leaderless in a Spiritual Way, yes I know they have the Emperor, but this is to do with them losing their original Chapter Master (Maximus), I will of course make the background for them that much clearer in the Origins section.

 

Any way, hope fully this further insight will help me to better work upon the Chapter as a whole, so please to all who read this, if you have any thoughts or ideas, please let me know, as I'd like to make this Chapter work as a whole in general (models and everything). ^_^

[Commander Skaav]

Will post the more up-to-date version soon.

[Commander Skaav]

There will be a new version up, with a section all about Maximillian, and an extra bit, on a small reunification (details to follow in updated version). :P

[Commander Skaav]

The article has now been updated, with alterations, and more information put it, this therefore may actually make it a bit too long, but hopefully pads out some of the history I've worked on, and also gives a better insight to the Chapter.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

It all looks much better than it did the first time around. Good work. :D

 

I will dig into it with more detail when I am not so pressed for time as I am right now but I will take another look soon.

[Commander Skaav]

It all looks much better than it did the first time around. Good work. ^_^

 

I will dig into it with more detail when I am not so pressed for time as I am right now but I will take another look soon.

 

Thanks, I feel I've "fleshed" out the background a little more in regards to the Origins, plus I've added a background for the character Maximillian, and I've updated the section in regards to their splitting, and loyalist revival.

 

So it should be more detailed, and a better read. If any one else can think of any thing to work upon, I'd be pleased to hear any input, I'd really like to make this work :P.

[Commander Skaav]

VERY QUICK UPDATED:

Am planning to post the finalised version of the above in a new thread, this is only the draft version, so if any one else reading this has any C&C, I'd love to hear them, as it all helps towards making this a great read.

 

:D :blush: :blush:

[Commander Skaav]

LATEST UPDATE:

Am thinking of tidying up a few sections, I'm beginning to think the article is becoming cluttered a little, any thoughts? Is it good as it is? Is there any way I can work on it improve it? C&C is most welcome, as I'd really like to make this work, so if any one has any thoughts on the peice, I'd certainly would love to hear them.

 

:P B) <_<