Guerilla Commando Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 The Trench pt.1 We had been in the Aquila Lander for at least three hours me and my retinue, the air was getting thicker from the steam pouring out of the near vent. We had just been in the cruiser Red Scare of the Volbos Naval Fleet undergoing a battle plan for an assault on the planet Drungar. The heat inside the vessel was unbearable as if the planet Tallarn itself was cramped in the small holding bay. ‘Two minutes till landing Inquisitor’, sounded a voice from my vox transmitter. He was talking about the landing zone at the front line trenches, the planet Drungar had been at war for some time now over a rebellion by the planet inhabitants they had become heretics after renouncing their loyalty to the emperor and started to pray to a pagan god. I had been sent to the planet by under request of the Ordo Hereticus to bring the leader of this rebellion to justice, dead or alive. I looked over to my personal bodyguard Arius Domo he was turning the cylinder of his stubb pistol impatiently; it was making an annoying clicking noise which itched at my ear. Domo was young, he was dark skinned with a complexion to match, his face had an anxious look on it raising up his newly grown moustache, he was young only 18 by imperial figures, he was wearing a black bodysuit under a set of grey flak armour, I always thought him foolish for not wearing his helmet which was strung to his belt he was always poking his head out of cover. I looked at him I was fed up with his noise making ‘either holster your weapon or eat it!’ in a nervous twitch Domo had holstered his gun, he responded in his trademark cockney accent ‘sorry guv just a bit nervous I’ve never been to a trench fight before, a bit excitin aint that right Hox’, Domo looked over to Hox my sage and lexmechanic, Hox was a tall slender man adorned in a deep red robe, he had a bionic eye which reflected a bright green tint in Domo’s face, over the years Hox had become more machine then man mainly due to his dream of becoming a lexmechanic, several of his internal organs had been replaced with clockwork and metal pipes came in and out of his body and studs formed around the temple of his head. ‘Well young Arius by my statistics and the fact that i am no soldier I would say that one is more ermm..’, Hox reached for a data-slate on his belt and observed it, years of neural altering had left him with few emotions,’...Scared than excited does that answer your question’, Domo shook his head and gave out a smile looking down at the floor scratching at his short stubby black hair. Another one of my men was from the Volbos branch of the Adeptus Arbites his name was Robair, he wore a mud camouflaged boonie hat and a large dark ragged poncho. ‘Robair make sure you live up to your reputation down there’, I was referring to him being a skilful sniper renown on Volbos for being the best shot on the planet. ‘You know me two shots to the chest one to the head...or the eye if I’m lucky’. Robair took his sniper from his back it was not of standard Arbites issue but of... ‘Where did you get that exitus rifle from? They are only for vindicare assassins, you could get executed for that.' 'But You need your men well armed’, he responded as he cocked the weapon giving off a grin. Two minutes later and we could feel the ship descending down to the ground. ‘Okay Inquisitor the Lord Marshal Gustav will meet you at forward trench tent 005 an one more thing they outnumber us twenty to one’, the pilot let out a snickering laugh. We stood at the hatch door pipes hissed and roared as the rusty door opened. I bellowed down a vox projector which broadcasted on all vox casters in the area, ‘I AM INQUISITOR RICO TANAKA LET THE HERETICS BURN!’ with that cheering could be heard in the distance, my battle had begun. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/149501-the-trench-pt1/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guerilla Commando Posted October 20, 2008 Author Share Posted October 20, 2008 cud sum 1 plz comment on my short story it be my first one in the librarium Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/149501-the-trench-pt1/#findComment-1740151 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted October 21, 2008 Share Posted October 21, 2008 First off, avoid text-talk in your posts please. It's against board rules. The story itself is alright. Of course it'll get better as it goes on. However, one thing: please re-read it. I found so many places where the sentence should've ended and it just kept going for far too long. So please do that. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/149501-the-trench-pt1/#findComment-1741535 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 The story itself is alright. Of course it'll get better as it goes on. However, one thing: please re-read it. I found so many places where the sentence should've ended and it just kept going for far too long. So please do that. For example... ‘Where did you get that exitus rifle from they are only for vindicare assassins you could get executed for that but I need my men well armed’, he responded as he cocked the weapon giving off a grin. It should read: ‘Where did you get that Exitus Rifle from? They are only for vindicare assassins, you could get executed for that. But I need my men well armed.' He responded with a grin as he cocked the weapon. Hope it helps. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/149501-the-trench-pt1/#findComment-1744136 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonaides Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 Or alternatively you ought to make sure its clear that its two different people speaking... ‘Where did you get that Exitus Rifle from? They are only for vindicare assassins, you could get executed for that.' 'But you need your men well armed.' He responded with a grin as he cocked the weapon." Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/149501-the-trench-pt1/#findComment-1744222 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.