Story

[Lord Antharis]

I hope this will last longer than the ill fated one in the planet of sorcerers forum. Oh well here goes...

 

Chapter 1

 

Combat Drop

 

The chanting of servitors filled the Drop Pod as it decended, as Marshal Zûgo Ralbercht led the prayer "O, Emperor in wrath rejoicing at bloody wars; fierce and untamed, whose mighty power doth make the strongest walls from their foundations shake, All-conquering Master of Mankind, Be pleased with this war's tultumous roar. Delight in swords and fists red with alien blood, and the dire ruin of savage battle. Rejoice in futious challange, and avenging strife, whose works with woe embitter human life."

 

The Pod decelarated sharply, and with a jaring impact, struck solid floor. The assembled warriors had three seconds to draw their weapons before the panels opened. The Marshal and the Sword Brethren charged from the pod, bolt pistols flaring, killing several heretics in the first volley. Return fire was light and the holy armour of the Templars easily turned it aside. Zûgo brought his bower sword around in an arc, decapitating one of the foul traitors, before plunging it into the chest of another. They had come down in a lightly defended area, and therefore likely not an important one. He called a map of the city up in his helmet, and it showed where everything was prior to the planet's trecherous betrayal, where new facilites were (acording to the Holy Contempt's sensorium ) and where the other Drop Pods had fallen. Zûgo selected a site to meet up. A large building near to the route they would need to take to disable the Anti-Air defences, and sent it to all squads.

 

Brother Raldor raked his assault cannon accros the heretics, ripping them in half, and sending them running, screaming in fear. "Filth" he proclaimed. A few were brave (or stupid0 enough to charge the ancient, screaming their devotion to chaos. Raldor picked one up with bis assault arm and ground him to a sickening paste with rotating power grinders. The others were incinerated by the cleansing flame of the built in heavy flamer. Devestation reinged in the building the ancient had dropped into. He recieved his new orders from the estemed Marshal, and moved to comply.

 

Marshal Zûgo charged down the street, determined to send the traitors on the other side back to whatever hell pit they spawed from. As he neared, a few traitors realised they were doomed, and turned to flee, but were cut down by bolter fire. The warriors impacted with the traitors, sending limbs flying in all directions, but one was larger than the rest, and sent one of the Sword Brethren flying. Zûgo lunged, evading the foul creater's blows, and plunged his blessed weapon into it's heart. It collapsed with a gurgle. The Sword Brother was back on his feet. The group pressed on.

 

Brother Raldor dominated the streets, which now ran red with heretic blood. The Holy Contempt showed movemend of what could be vehicles heading his way, and the way of the other drop teams. It would appear that the initial shock of the drop assault had worn off. Let them come, the Templars would show them the folly of their waus, and show them the Emperor's light, but it would burn rather than illuminate their heretical souls. A squadron of light warkers rounded the corner, and raked the street with multi-laser fire. Raldor charged, peppering one of the heretical vehicles with his assault cannon, cousing it to explode. The shooting of the other two became frantic as he neared, the panicked shots that did hit home were turned away by his ancient armour. he ripped the legs from under one of the walkers, causing it to fall, and did the same with the other. He cut down the retreating drivers with assault cannon fire. It would take much more to fell a Templar Ancient.

 

Zûgo strode through the burning remains of the sentinels that had attacked him, their armour not proof against the clensing fires of the blessed meltabombs. Striding on they neared the rondevous point.

[Lord Antharis]

oppinions?

Oh and in case I failed to describe it well enough, Raldor's weapon is that awsome forge world assault drill.

[Iron Corsair]

It's an okay story, however you should look when you post your story if a red dotted line is under a word because that means it doesn't know if it's spelled correctly. Second of all if you can, type it onto MS Word or any other Word Processor, because those will see some of the mistakes you make and give you suggestion on what you might mean.

8.5/10 is what I'll give you.

[Lord Antharis]

Spellchecked

[Brother Richard]

Nice start... has a sort of righteous fury feel to it. Bouncing between Dread and Marshall is keeping nice flow. A little more detail in the fights would be nice. Make it a challenge to slug through, instead of your ubermarshall single stab. I look forward to the assualt drill clearing a path through walls etc..

[Chaplain Valorus]

I don't mean to sound opressing or anything but...where's the character?

 

Think about it <_<

[Lord Antharis]

Don't worry about ubermarshal it's just that the initial assault of the Templars by Drop Pod would mean little serious resistance to begin with. As for charachter I haven't reached a point to start exploring the deeper parts of a Templar's mind yet. Also could you extrapolate a little please? It's going to get tougher, with some serious foes but for now it's just panicked traitors running from the wrath of the emperor that fell in a fiery rain from the heavens.

[Chaplain Valorus]

I'll explain...

 

There are three key things that keep people reading stories:

 

• 1) The Characters; people like to know what happened to Chaplain Orax of the Crimson Fists because not only is he a passionate and headstrong Astartes, but because when off the field of battle he has a kinsmanship between his Battle Brothers like we would with an older/younger brother. People like to see him live and see him take part in the battles ahead not because he is powerful, but because he is a hero...a true character.
   
  2) The Plot; people might like the idea you have presented forward as the driving force of your characters in the story. Chaplain Orax is leading his Crimson Fist brethren against the Orkish horde because reports claim the beasts have captured a temple dedicated to Rogal Dorn (for his noble sacrifice) after the events on Rynn's World (or whatever it's called). As the story unfolds, rumours spark that the forces of Chaos are here as well, but it does not explain why the Orks have total control over the planet. When Orax confronts the Warboss, it is revealed that this temple was not of Rogal Dorn, but to one of Khorne's greatest servants, Doombreed. Of course there are sub-plots like Brother Raimen's possible decent into Chaos worship as the story unfolds, will he resist the horrors of the Warp or become a pawn to Khorne's will?
   
  3) The Battles; (this is 40k only, but can apply to other stories) Obviously since Warhammer is a universe engulfed in turmoil and strife, it will be pretty stupid not to add in a fight scene at any point. However, this is a test of writing ability. You have to write down emotions, senses (smell, noise etc) metaphors for the sounds of Bolters and the screeching of Chainswords. This is about BEING CLEAR, you don't have to go in ridiculous detail (a little can help, but not too much. Live the exepereince don't describe it). Of course war, is emotional as it is physical, because Chaplain Orax may fall at the final battle...how will that affect his Crimson Fist brethren? How would that make the chapter feel?
  

[antique_nova]

DAMN YEA CHAPLIN VALORUS can you read mine :), it should be somewhere within this forum, and i am still working on the story itself.

 

as for the story that this topic is based on, servitors chanting never heard of that but it could be a start ;) and i think you need to change a few works describing the action to give it a more space marine feel to it, a few spelling mistakes i saw like spawned and so on i think you story needs more of a space marine though to it, try reading a space marine book that will help to explain alot that i can't and i am a novice at the story writing ive only just started in my spare time so i hope you good luck if you continue with it the emeperor will guide you!

thanks

antique_nova

[Iago]

I liked it. Thanks for a good read antique. Of course the writing can be improved, but as always, we can all improve somewhat. I cant wait for the second part of the story. Although I am confused, are they terminators? sword brethren? power armour command squad? just the plethora of weapons and the lack of description was confusing. Other than that I liked it.

Cheers! and keep it up.

[antique_nova]

hey don't thank me thank the forum and the authours of the space marine books and last but not least thank the black library :lol:, god it is gold this morning, and and anyone reading could post names of space marine and planets any writer like myself atm and the lord would gladly appreciate as we spend half our time thinking of them XD and i am sure it would help any writer, who knows your anmes could be an inspiration a vision from the emperor himself how glorious would that be hey:P.

thanks

antique_nova