Inquisitorial Story

[Midas]

=I= The Gold Handed Man =I=

 

160…… 160 standard years since I earned my Rosette, 160 years since I had my hand cut off to continue a legacy. I have forsaken my name for another, I have cut all ties to anything I knew, and I had become part of a legend that I knew would last till every last star went out. I am Midas and I write now about my story, the tale of The Gold Handed Man.

 

 

C&C welcome this is a prelude to a whole story

[Kuchinawa]

Fancy start but the reader isn't ripped into the story.

 

Why should I care about a guy that cut off his hand and replaced it for a gold one?

 

I do like the cut off ties, but that seems at little drastic don't you.

 

But really good maybe a few more sentances would be nice

[Midas]

Thanks for the comment I was writing this when you posted so here it is

 

 

First, let me elaborate on the events surrounding this bizarre chain of events. The Sons of Midas is a private Inquisitorial group formed by Midas the first, a Inquisitor Lord. He believed that he could train the best Inquisitors ever known, but before he finished raising his 6th and most successful neophyte to Inquisitorhood he died in a campaign against the daemon prince As’gra’ath’hag. With no one having seen his face and before he passed, he decided that his neophyte should take his place and ordered him to take his identity and dispose of his body. The neophyte now Inquisitor Lord Midas II realized that his master was known for his golden artificial hand and so cut off his own and replaced it with this relic that I now wear today. The Lineage has gone on for several centuries of masters raising their neophytes in the ways prescribed by Midas and the neophytes taking their place when they die. I am Midas the 12th and so far we have kept under the radar of the Impiriums records though we now own our own planet and command and Imperial Guard Regiment of our own.

[Kuchinawa]

Makes much more sense.

 

Ok cool I'd love to see were this goes.

 

anyone from the iron hands coming into the story as seeing your a honorary member ;)

[Midas]

Ha I guess so :lol: :rolleyes:

[Midas]

ok heres another segment again any c&c welcome suggestions anything

 

Chap.1

 

I was aiding in the sieges of Glacius 3 at the time my master had sent down some troops already and they confirmed the suspicion that brought us here. Sighting of As’gra’ath’hag had been reported by no less that three of the advance teams, so we were to launch to the surface immediately. We walked down the cruiser to the landing bay to equip ourselves and get in the dropship. I was to go down with Master Midas, Simund, Disulf, and Sam. Sigmund was a great swordsmen and even greater tactician He was tall dark blonde and heavily built he carried a powered great sword and stub pistol; Disulf was dark skinned, bald, and swift as the night on his home planet he carried two las pistols and a nero injector that he was more than proficient with; Sam was an average size for an interior woman she had brown hair that you rarely saw come out from under her commissar hat, she was a crack shot and always carried her modified long las with her, the guns shots not only were silent but nigh invisible a fact she exploited well. I was carrying my chainsword and my trusty bolt revolver.

“So, you guys scared “said Sam in her usual half serious half joking tone “you wish” Sigmund replied, this had been going on since the last mission were Sigmund had refused to get out of cover after a barrage of fire had almost sawed him in half, “The drop zone should be quite hot enough without you two bickering” came a cold voice from the corner of the room, we all stood at attention as Midas walked in the room. He came in and immediately took a seat aboard the dropship and we did well to follow his example. This battle had been waged by all of the Inquisitors under the name Midas and had claimed 8 of them. This was a pivotal moment and we all knew it. The decent to the surface was silent, when we touched ground the noise of battle was comforting. We were approached by one of the officers of the advance recon who looked as if he had seen himself die and lived to talk about it. “W-w-w-welcome s-sire” he managed to spit out “What is the problem trooper you seem troubled” came the voice of Midas, I tried my hardest not to laugh at this understatement for it seemed to calm the trooper “well sire, we had secured the area without trouble but then we got partial comms from the outer walls of screaming we have tried to make contact but the they won’t answer and all attempt to meet them haven’t returned, that’s not all either some of our patrols report odd noises coming from that area and one patrol returned with this” as he said that he lifted a belt on its buckle clear as day was the Inquisitorial symbol, the second landing had not been as successful apparently, apparently at least one neophyte had died.

 

oops sorry for double post

[Snozz]

Wip storys don't go here, they go in the Librarium section. :rolleyes:

 

Good story though, I like it, do more. :lol:

[Midas]

can I get it moved? Thank you for the coment.

[cervantes3773]

I like what you have so far and I'm certainly interested in reading more. However, you asked for C&C, so here you go:

 

1. I'm not sure "intricate" is the word you want to use, it's an adjective, not a verb. My philosophy on big words/thesaurus use is that it's better to write your story first with your "usual" vocabularly (excluding related words like "bolter" or "Astartes") and then, when you revise it, find appropriate synonyms as needed.

2. Aren't all Inquisitorial groups private? Perhaps you mean reclusive or secretive?

3. How did the first Midas decide to pull a "Dread Pirate Roberts" with his 6th neophyte if he was killed in combat beforehand?

4. "As'gra'ath'hag" is a creative daemon prince name, but it's a bit comical. When I first read it, I wondered if there was a contest for the longest DP name or the DP name with the most apostrophes. Maybe Asgra'ath or As'grath?

5. Why use numerals after the Inquisitor Lord's name if everyone is supposed to think that it's the same guy? Maybe refer to them as First, Second, Third or say something like "I am the twelfth man to wear the mantle of Inquisitor Lord Midas" or "I am the twelfth man to bear the Golden Hand of Midas". If you haven't read "The Princess Bride" or seen the movie, it has a similar situation.

6. Speaking of how no one has ever seen his face... Why is that? Does he wear a golden mask? I'd like to hear how he managed to keep his face hidden.

7. Why do the Sons of Midas avoid Imperial detection? This intrigues me.

8. "Under the radar" seems a bit slangy for an inquisitor's life story. Perhaps "we remain unknown to Imperial authorities and there is no official mention of our existence".

9. Whoa. Wow. The Imperium doesn't know about them but they have their own planet and Imperial Guard regiment? Is the Guard regiment supplied by the Munitorum? If not, then who provides their guns, tanks, and supplies? I know that if there are a millions of planets and the Imperium can't keep track of them all, but how can a "private" Inquisitor group control an entire planet AND command a proper standing army? Maybe they control a asteroid or moon base? Maybe it's a formidable private army of mercenaries, men-at-arms, and guns-for-hire who have been rallied to the cause of the Sons of Midas?

10. The sentence beginning "The Sons of Midas is a private..." runs-on. A lot. Try to break it up, it'll be easier to read and clearer to the reader.

11. Lastly, a lot of what you have so far is pretty dry. I know it's exposition, but a little bit of editing would make it seem more like a memoir and less like a text book.

12. He's been an inquisitor for 160 years and is the twelfth Midas. However, the group has been around for "several centuries". It seems like a continuity error to me, maybe they've been active for 1,500 years? That would give each Midas a reign of about 135 years.

 

I'm not much of a writer, nor an English major; I just read a lot. Please don't take offense to my suggestions. All I can say is that you have a good idea and I'd like to read more, so keep it up!

[Midas]

1. I'm not sure "intricate" is the word you want to use, it's an adjective, not a verb. My philosophy on big words/thesaurus use is that it's better to write your story first with your "usual" vocabularly (excluding related words like "bolter" or "Astartes") and then, when you revise it, find appropriate synonyms as needed.

I ment In-tri-kate and thats how I talk :D

2. Aren't all Inquisitorial groups private? Perhaps you mean reclusive or secretive?

Inquisitors are independent and private an Inquisitor group is an Inquisitor and government, inquisitor, etc

3. How did the first Midas decide to pull a "Dread Pirate Roberts" with his 6th neophyte if he was killed in combat beforehand?

poor wording :) he was struck down and passed it on before he died

4. "As'gra'ath'hag" is a creative daemon prince name, but it's a bit comical. When I first read it, I wondered if there was a contest for the longest DP name or the DP name with the most apostrophes. Maybe Asgra'ath or As'grath?

It was meant to be sepperate got messed up and stuck around

5. Why use numerals after the Inquisitor Lord's name if everyone is supposed to think that it's the same guy? Maybe refer to them as First, Second, Third or say something like "I am the twelfth man to wear the mantle of Inquisitor Lord Midas" or "I am the twelfth man to bear the Golden Hand of Midas". If you haven't read "The Princess Bride" or seen the movie, it has a similar situation.

Just to show who it was because in the group they know who was who

6. Speaking of how no one has ever seen his face... Why is that? Does he wear a golden mask? I'd like to hear how he managed to keep his face hidden.

stolen idea, It was going to be a cowl a deep cowl

7. Why do the Sons of Midas avoid Imperial detection? This intrigues me.

They avoid imperial records

8. "Under the radar" seems a bit slangy for an inquisitor's life story. Perhaps "we remain unknown to Imperial authorities and there is no official mention of our existence".

they are known but scarcly update except a few campainss now and then where theyre spotted

9. Whoa. Wow. The Imperium doesn't know about them but they have their own planet and Imperial Guard regiment? Is the Guard regiment supplied by the Munitorum? If not, then who provides their guns, tanks, and supplies? I know that if there are a millions of planets and the Imperium can't keep track of them all, but how can a "private" Inquisitor group control an entire planet AND command a proper standing army? Maybe they control a asteroid or moon base? Maybe it's a formidable private army of mercenaries, men-at-arms, and guns-for-hire who have been rallied to the cause of the Sons of Midas?

They gainded the planet when on a campain to save it, the leader mysteriously died and Midas gained it the people havent reported this because they would lose their glorious gold handed leader

10. The sentence beginning "The Sons of Midas is a private..." runs-on. A lot. Try to break it up, it'll be easier to read and clearer to the reader.

okey dokey

11. Lastly, a lot of what you have so far is pretty dry. I know it's exposition, but a little bit of editing would make it seem more like a memoir and less like a text book.

okey dokey

12. He's been an inquisitor for 160 years and is the twelfth Midas. However, the group has been around for "several centuries". It seems like a continuity error to me, maybe they've been active for 1,500 years? That would give each Midas a reign of about 135 years.

this is explained by the 8 that died

 

You wernt offensive you were helpful thank you

[flintlocklaser]

1. I'm not sure "intricate" is the word you want to use, it's an adjective, not a verb. My philosophy on big words/thesaurus use is that it's better to write your story first with your "usual" vocabularly (excluding related words like "bolter" or "Astartes") and then, when you revise it, find appropriate synonyms as needed.

I ment In-tri-kate and thats how I talk :P

Well, with all due respect, that use of 'intricate' is flatly wrong. Intricate doesn't have a verb form - 'elaborate' does however (even with the similar shift in pronunciation you were hinting at), and I think that's probably what you meant.

 

9. Whoa. Wow. The Imperium doesn't know about them but they have their own planet and Imperial Guard regiment? Is the Guard regiment supplied by the Munitorum? If not, then who provides their guns, tanks, and supplies? I know that if there are a millions of planets and the Imperium can't keep track of them all, but how can a "private" Inquisitor group control an entire planet AND command a proper standing army? Maybe they control a asteroid or moon base? Maybe it's a formidable private army of mercenaries, men-at-arms, and guns-for-hire who have been rallied to the cause of the Sons of Midas?

They gainded the planet when on a campain to save it, the leader mysteriously died and Midas gained it the people havent reported this because they would lose their glorious gold handed leader

This means that the forces in question are more likely PDF - Planetary Defence Forces - instead of Imperial Guard. Equipment and skill level can be the same as an IG regiment, but as cervantes3773 pointed out, for a regiment to be true Imperial Guard means they come under the umbrella of the Munitorium, which means that the Imperium would be very much aware of them. But call them the 'such-and-such planet' PDF and it should work though.

[Midas]

Really? I'll have to look it up. OK

[Sigismund Himself]

Wip storys don't go here, they go in the Librarium section. :lol:

No, they do belong here.

[Snozz]

Wip storys don't go here, they go in the Librarium section. :D

No, they do belong here.

 

It was originally in PCA. Someone else moved it methinks. ;)

[Midas]

I've lost the piece I've been working on It might take a while to retrieve.

[wertjeniron]

Very Good story Write it in a typed codex that you can show it off at GW and my house :( and Cant wait for the rest!

[Midas]

K Tay

[wertjeniron]

Have you worked upon your Lost now found piece you have plenty of time to think about it LUKY. homescool

[Midas]

Well here it is! Finally got it back and again c&c welcome

 

The idea that we had been so close to an ambush made me mad, the thought that we could have lost without fighting. After asking the patrol were they found the belt we headed toward the landing site that was meant to be over there. The first few miles of our walk were uneventful then about 7 miles away from camp we started hearing a low rushing sound like water that would start stay about a second and cease only to start again a second later. “What IS that” Disulf asked “silence, that is the noise the troops reported” Midas hastily whispered as if lost in inner thought and only saying it out of instinct. Something had moved to the right and Midas was keen that it did not know we knew it. The walk continued and the noise continued though it seemed more like a throbbing now, but the movement was gone.

 

We reached the drop site as detailed on our auspex but nothing was there. “This is troubling” said Midas “a fight we can handle, but silence…….” He was broken off by a clattering noise behind us. We all turned around and hardly got a shot off before it fell upon us. We could hardly see it and I had blocked it more out of luck than skill. The creature from what I could tell was very slim it had maybe three horns and looked more like a bug than anything else. I was about to try to throw it of me when Simund cut it along it down the middle. “That wasn’t encouraging” said Disulf as he helped me to my feet “no, no it wasn’t, but I don’t think it could have taken away a dropship all by its self, Then the buzzing started.