Warhammer 90210, The Series

[Warp Angel]

I had to write this or my muse would make my head explode. Don't mess with me regarding canon, timelines, or violation of fluff. This is supposed to be FUN. Now, enjoy or face the wrath of =][=.

 

10,000 years ago, the emperor created the legions of space marines from the geneseed of their primarchs. The Emperor gathered up the primarchs from planets all across the Imperium and according to history, threw them into the Great Crusade.

 

By a careful study of Imperial Archives, we've learned of a small part of history that has long been forgotten. Before the primarchs could lead their legions into battle, they had to go to school.

 

School in Beverly Hills. In the Zip Code 90210.

 

This is the "true" story of that time, from the dawn of the Imperium of Man.

 

====================================================

 

"Hey Juan, are you nervous about your first day in school?"

 

"A little, Flav. You?"

 

"Nah, man. Ever since I found out that I'm the lost primarch of the second legion of Space Marines, I've been stoked about coming to Warhammer High." Like his friend, Juan Valdez, Flavarius Flavius was a 9 foot tall super-human. They were the last two of the twenty primarchs to be found.

 

"I'm the primarch of the eleventh, but I'm not sure that I like my chapter name."

 

"What, the 'Banditos'? It's better than 'Public Threat'. At least you don't sound like you're going to have the five-oh after you all the time."

 

"It's not just 'Banditos', it's 'Coffee Banditos'." Juan sighed. "Nobody even knows what coffee is. And the chapter symbol that the Emperor gave me... I don't like hats."

 

"Ah, my friend, that's not just a hat. That's a SOMBRERO!"

 

"I think that's old terran for 'big hat'".

 

"I like my clock symbol. Not sure why that's supposed to be menacing, but it's big." Flav smiled his naturally gold-toothed smile. "I like big clocks."

 

Off in the distance, a bell rang. Juan elbowed his friend. "C'mon man. We're gonna be late for homeroom. We've got to make a good impression on the other primarchs."

 

"Who cares what they think. What are they going to do? Erase us from existence?"

 

"Dunno man, but I don't wanna be late." Both primarchs dashed forward to the cathedral-like structure off in the distance, traveling at speeds usually only reachable by vehicles. As they got closer, the sign above the great, arched doors became visible. "Warhammer High School. Established 29,234."

 

**********

 

"You're late," growled the golden armored teacher sitting at his ornate desk. "That's 50 demerits to the blue team and 50 demerits to the red team."

 

Groans were heard from both sides of the classroom. There were 10 desks on each side of the room, 9 of them filled by other super-humans. "Which one of you is Juan Valdez, primarch of the Coffee Banditos?"

 

Juan raised his hand. "You're on the blue team. Take the desk next to Lion'el."

 

Juan looked over to the empty seat where a primarch with a brooding expression and robes sat hunched over a thick, black book with the word "diary" embossed in the leather cover. When he noticed Juan looking, he quickly covered up the book with both arms and started to brood. With a shrug and a look at Flav, Juan took his seat.

 

Moments passed. The room was silent. Flav started to look around nervously until the teacher spoke. "Are you going to have a seat, Flavarius Flavius, or are you going to stand all day? I assume, with your perfectly engineered intelligence and keen tactical mind that you know that you're supposed to be on the red team. You'll be sitting next to Angron."

 

Flav turned red with embarrassment and shuffled to his seat while the rest of the class laughed. "Heh, Angron's got the perfect friend. They're both a little stupid. They'll get along fine." This came from a one-eyed primarch on the red team.

 

"Shut up, one eye," growled one of the blue team. Unlike the other primarchs in the classroom, he had developed facial hair early and sported a full beard.

 

"Hairy freak."

 

"Nerd."

 

"SILENCE!" roared the teacher. "Flavarius, be seated, now!".

 

Flav took his seat next to Angron quickly and turned to introduce himself, extending his hand in greeting, only to have it nearly bitten off. Angron was apparently foaming at the mouth, bloodshot eyes wild.

 

In his mind, he heard a whisper. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Angron's a little on the crazy side. He claims it's from some surgery he had performed, but I've seen the combat drugs in his locker. I'm Magnus, by the way, the one that Russ called one-eye. I think he's just jealous of my psychic ability."

 

"Mister Magnus! What have you been told about using psychic powers in my classroom!!! 50 demerits for the red team. Now, for the benefit of our two new students, I am Custodian Smith, your homeroom instructor. It's my job to ensure that you primarchs get the right curriculum to become the angels of death that the Emperor wants you to be. You may be genetically superior to other men, and even other space marines, but I assure you that we Custodians, are more than capable of kicking your butt if you get out of line. Homeroom is the only place that all of you primarchs will be attending the same class together. For the rest each day you'll be attending class with the rest of the Imperial Forces."

 

******

 

"Man, homeroom sucked," complained Flav. "Anyone know why we're being taught by a janitor?"

 

"Dude, he's not a janitor, he's a Custodian," said Juan.

 

"Custodian, janitor, what's the difference?"

 

"Never mind. Check out what's coming down the hall."

 

"Hoo whee!!!" whistled Flav. "Is that a Daughter of the Emperor?"

 

"Can't be. I'm not getting a psychic null zone shiver from her. Gotta be a Callidus assassin."

 

"Sweet Emperor on a stick, I'd love to tap that..."

 

"Ahem. Good Juan," came a very proper voice from behind the pair, "I'd like a word with you, if I could please."

 

Juan and Flav turned around to see another primarch, dressed in blue slacks, a white varsity sweater with a blue "U" on the front, and a very incongrous red ascott around his neck.

 

"I don't believe that we've had proper introductions. I am Robute Guilliman, primarch of the Ultramarines, elected leader of the blue team. I'd like to extend my welcome to you and invite you to dine with the rest of the blue team during lunch today where you can be introduced to the rest of the best."

 

"Thanks, Rob, but Flav and I..." started Juan.

 

"My name is ROBUTE, not Rob, and I must insist that you join us for lunch today."

 

"It's okay, Juan. I should probably eat with the reds myself. I'll catch you in gym class after lunch."

 

"Alright, man. I'll catch you later. I'm off to siege warfare. Don't want to be late again today." And with that, Juan headed off down the hallway. Robute gave Flav a look of dismissal and sniffed before striding off.

 

Flav sighed, alone for a moment in the hallway before another primarch strode up. "Hey Flav. Why so glum? My name's Horus, by the way, unofficial leader of the Reds. Welcome aboard."

 

"Thanks, Horus. So what's up with this red versus blue thing. Sounds kinda funny to me."

 

"'Red vs. Blue' is funny, but this competition isn't. The Emperor had us split up into teams to determine which legions were going to get the choice assignments during the Great Crusade and which ones were going to get dumped on. There's a lot at stake here."

 

"Sounds like the Emperor is going to end up causing some trouble if he shows favoritism."

 

"No way. I don't know how much time you've spent with our Father, but he's about as close to perfect as possible. He knows exactly what he's doing, and we're going to end up with a perfect Imperium. It's not like we're risking 10,000 years of darkness or anything."

 

"True. I need to get to orbital bombardment. Do you know where that's at?"

 

"Sweet. That's my next class too. I'll walk you there."

 

"Thanks, Horus. You're a great guy. Not at all like that stick in the mud, Rob. What's up with the ascott anyway?"

 

*******

 

End Episode I

[Jarl Kjaran Coldheart]

as funny as that was, i would worry bout the mods here locking it like they did to the "deathwatch" series...

 

wolf lord kieran

[Warp Angel]

Huh.

 

I hadn't seen that they closed the Death/Darkwatch threads. Here's to hoping I don't get weasel-stomped for having a sense of humor.

[Dreadnought Baraziel]

Well said. Perhaps you could do a bit about The Lion having Luther as his best friend, and don't forget the feud between The Lion and Russ.

[alexwars1]

This is funny, but we dont want another Deathwatch! incident.

[SCC]

Unfortunately, we've already wandered into a Deathwatch type scenario:

Having read through the recent 'story' updates I'm afraid to say that I see no place for this thread in the Librarium, or indeed, the wider B&C. References to Ashton Kutcher and the like have no place in a board devoted to power armoured armies and more specifically in a sub-forum devoted to more serious (and I don't mean without a sense of humour, I mean 'proper' writing that is recognisably within the bounds of 40k fiction). And, if I'm frank, the 'humour' in the stories is neither funny nor clever and is most certainly not Python-esque in nature or result.

 

As such this thread and its sister Darkwatch thread are being closed as inappropriate for the Liber Comminiscor forum and similar stories posted in the future will also be purged.

 

In the same way we don't have an off-topic area for general tom-foolery we don't allow certain 'types' of topics (and please don't assume this means the Mods don't judge each thread on its own merit, for we certainly try to) to be posted to other areas of the board. In the case of LC we've had a policy of 'proper' writing only since the forum first went up, we've been a little lax in policing that in the past but it's something we're tightening up on now. The LC has a specific purpose, to provide B&C users with a place to share their PA-related short stories and other 'proper' (for want of a better term) writing. 'Joke' threads or humour oriented threads don't fit that purpose in general terms and they will be removed unless they're deemed to fall within the spirit and rules of the B&C and this sub-forum.

 

As such this thread is closed, feel free to contact me via PM to discuss the matter folks but for now: