Captain Malachi Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Before I give you the story, I would like to point I took about 5 minutes to write it, and I'm not a great writer to begin with, so don't expect a piece of great literature. :devil: Anyway, without further ado, I give you "The fall of Lucas." “So it begins.” He said. “I, Lucas of the Fifth, will see victory this day.” He roared as he ran to the Bloodlords battle lines. “Captain!” His first sergeant, Kantor, called. “The daemons are breaking through, we can’t hold them much longer.” “Steel yourself sergeant, remember, The Emperor protects. Now what’s the situation?” “Sections one through four have been over run, and as you can see we are already under attack here.” The daemons had attacked at night, breaking through the bases defences in seconds, slaughtering hundreds of guardsmen, and dozen of marines. Four hours later, and the mighty space marines of the Bloodlords chapter had descended to clear the base of the warp spawned filth. However, things had not gone quite to plan, the daemons had been considerably more tenacious than strategos had predicted, and the Bloodlords were being forced in to a fighting retreat. “Captain, bloodletters have broken into the main corridor, we can’t escape that way.” Kantor informed him. “What shall we do?” “Clear a path.” Lucas replied simply. “Yes Captain.” Kantor answered, smiling slyly, before running off to assemble his squad. He made it four metres before he was cut in half in a spray of gore and blood. “Kantor!” Lucas screamed, before turning to face the monstrosity that had killed his friend so dishonourably. The thing was huge, easily three times as tall as a marine, and it’s wings made it even larger. The thing exuded an aura of pure hate, there was no mistaking what it was. Bloodthirster. “You think you can challenge me, mortal?” It laughed, looking straight as Lucas. “You are an abomination, and it is my duty, and my privilege, to send you back to the hell you came from.” Lucas replied fiercely. “Very well mortal.” The great daemon said simply, before swinging it’s axe round for a great two-handed blow, Lucas dodged the attack, but realised right then, that he had no hope. “Retreat!” He called to his men. “Captain, what about you?” Berolus, his apothecary, asked. “Leave.” The bloodthirster roared in laughter as Lucas said this. “So you’ve realised you have no hope? How pathetic, you are not worthy of my time.” It said, before unceremoniously cutting Lucas down with a single swing. Any suggestions on ways to improve will be appreciated. :lol: Edit- I am allowed to post this here right? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
lord arkon Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Nice! Will there be any additions to this mate? And I like the way how you included your own SM chapter too! Well done was this a result of boredom at college again? :mellow: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1777849 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Malachi Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 Nice! Will there be any additions to this mate? And I like the way how you included your own SM chapter too! Well done was this a result of boredom at college again? :mellow: Sorry, not this time, maybe if I try another one I'll lengthen that one, and nah, this was boredom at home. :huh: Edit- Well, there won't be any updates unless there is a calling for it, but with the quality of my writing I doubt that will happen. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1777858 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morte Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Less dialogue more description Captain. Say only what needs to be said, and leave the imagination to take care of the rest :) Try writing in the active voice, rather than the passive voice, and edit for conciseness, so less "he said, she said, it said". In general try not to construct sentences in the format "x did this" "y said that" "z happened". Thus rather than "x stepped aside" you would write "stepping aside, x..." The thing was huge, easily three times as tall as a marine, and it’s wings made it even larger. The thing exuded an aura of pure hate, there was no mistaking what it was. Bloodthirster. becomes There was no mistaking the winged monstrosity. Easily three times as tall as a marine and exuding an aura of pure hate, the Bloodthirster... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1781127 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Malachi Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Thanks Morte, that's some good advice. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1781355 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItSeWiNg Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Sweet Little Passage there ive currently got a cold and im feeling a bit down (dobut you care buy anyway) That Made Me Smile and if only black libary wrote novels for the daemons lol Well anyway it was rlly gd, ill write one up sometime (youve inspired me) Steve Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1781761 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Malachi Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Well anyway it was rlly gd, ill write one up sometime (youve inspired me) Well that just brightened up my day. :lol: Looking forward to seeing what you come up with. P.S. I agree, I really wish BL did more daemon specific 40k novels, there's plenty of fantasy ones, but not many 40k ones. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1781764 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItSeWiNg Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Well Here Goes Im sat with the White Dwarf Wen Daemons Came Out Anyway : The Juggernauts Head Cocked To One Side It Breathed Gently Into The Night Air... The Smoke From Its Nostrels Rising Into The Sky.. The Bloodletters Lined Up Hissing From The Smell Of Human Flesh' The Guardsmen Stepped Inside The Dilapedated Building' Suddenly A Bloodletter Leaped From The Upper Floor Falling Silently Through The Air Only To Ramb His Long Twisted Blade Straight Through The Guardmens Skull Then Suddenly The Lasgun Fire Started As Guards Dashed Into Some Cover Of The Building, The Juggernaut Crashed Forwards Ramming Its Head Into To Two Terrified Lookin Guardsmen The Screams Whisped Into The Night Air... Thats All For Now I Could Go On But hey lol Im 13yrs old n tbh i wanna be a Black Libary Author So Theres My Little Passage Lol Comments Please Also Advice Steve Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1781779 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Malachi Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 I'm not really good enough to offer any advice, but as the OP of this thread, I give everyone else permission to offer you advice, even if it isn't relevant to my original post :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152614-a-very-short-story-on-daemons-kind-of/#findComment-1782719 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.