C&C Needed for HH style story; BRAZENTOOTH

[ChaosLord Leon Enaek]

Hi, Guys!

I've been writing a Horus Heresy style story about a Terran World Eater Sergeant near the end of the Crusade. I need some C&C to help me know where to take this.

 

STORY OVERVIEW:

The World Eaters 11th Co. fights with a seperate Epedition Force than the rest of the Legion. Brazentooth will follow an Assault Sergeant from Terra as he watches his precious Company fall to Chaos, even as Istvann unfolds halfway across the galaxy. Key Points I've written so far;

-World Conquered by World Eaters (Done)

-Suggestion of daemonic forces and of Lodges (done)

-Siege of Hydra planet thingy with Iron Warriors (Doing)

Here's the first bit. Do you think I should kill Cestus, Loken style, or have him become something, Garro style?

 

 

BRAZENTOOTH

 

Duty and Honour

 

 

PROLOUGE

The Lord-Marshal Pyrus stood upon the fortified fortified balconies of his palace and looked out across the deserts, smiling.

For nearly two weeks, these 'Imperials' had marched through the black deserts of Satanus, laying waste to his precious Aaggun Spears Regiments. But now the desert heat was taking its toll. They would not be able to take the palace in such a sorry state. They would break upon the walls like waves upon the cliffs, only to be driven back and run down by his Spears. He'd seen it happen before, during his War of Unification.

"Make the Spears ready for war, Armoured Spearhead Pattern. We'll see these dogs in the abyss!"

Behind him, a black-clad captain bowed low and walked away, leaving Pyrus alone on the balcony, his bodyguard just inside the room. He watched the Imperial line shuffle into position, clearly visible and well within range of any tanks he could deploy.

He smiled as the gates opened beneath him and almost half of the remaining Spears sallied forth in grav-tanks. He knew his Spears would never make such a foolish mistake, unless it was specifically meant to be a diversion.

The Lord-Marshall stood bolt upright, turning to run across his room. He could almost reach out to the door when his world collapsed around him in a storm of masonary and plaster.

As he pulled himself up, he saw a massive pearl-white teardrop standing in the ruins of the room. There was a hiss of escaping air and a massive ramp fell before him. From within the pod, ten gigantic figures clad in armour the same white as their ship marched down towards him. In their fists, most clutched a massive axe with whirling metal teeth, and a heavy pistol.

"And..the g-gods decended from the stars...Hellspawn and daemons all."

"I am no god or daemon, such things do not exist. I am Sergeant Cestus Antiges of the World Eaters Legion."

"Well tell me this, Sergeant," roared the Lord-Marshall, his confidence returned, "Why has your Legion, nay your Imperium, come and damned my world with its war?"

"You are mistaken. We are World Eaters, and the World Eaters do not make war."

Pyrus threw his head up, the faintest glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Really, no war?"

"Of course not. The word war implies resistance."

The man barely had time to register this new blow before Cestus' chainaxe took hi head from his shoulders. The sergeant looked around at the unconsious and injured bodyguards.

"Third Assault, finish them."

 

 

Coming soon; The rest of the prolouge and more characters. But first, initial C&C, please!