IA: Exonerators

[Apothete]

I have to say that I am not a fan of the new name-it just seems a tad generic, a tad staid. Think about it, how many DIY chapters will be called the Eagles of Iron, Iron Eagles or some such derivation. Then think how many will be called the Exonerators. The reason I like that name is because it is a little bit odd, a little bit different-a bit like Ferrus Mannus's Arctic Lions chapter-I read their IA in the Honouros because I thought, "'Arctic'"? Don't often see that adjective in relation to Marines, I shall spend a minute of me time lookin' at these here fine men."

 

Its the same with these guys. But the name change is your choice, so I will say no more, its up to you.

 

In all honesty, the Iron Eagles were chosen as a name just to see if I could find a way to work in a reference to my favorite eighties teen action movie. Along with everything else that I've been considering, I've been trying to come up with some borderline subtle pun on the name of the protagonist.

 

As the best that I've come up with so far is something which would likely be lost in the noise, a riff on the Master of Mankind title that the Emperor is sometimes known by, I'm not so certain that I'm going to be keeping the name. Still, the Exonerators is how I labeled them since the very early drafts and, in that entire time, I couldn't sell several people I truly respect on its use. They kept telling me that the Chapter didn't seem to be liberating anything, setting anyone free, though I had thought that it was clear that their goal was to free mankind from the tyrrany and fear of the warp and their uncertain future.

 

I took my own advice and decided that the problem wasn't with the Chapter, it was with my ability to convey what I wanted while using the name. I'm not married to their current one in any way, aside from the fact that I really want to use the aquilla and wing imagery in my modeling.

 

Or some such?

 

Or some such, indeed.

 

This is exactly the kind of criticism I've been wanting, because I should have caught that error and it slipped right by me. Can I blame it on always writing when I'm suffering from insomnia?

 

A little explanation of circumstance might not go amiss here-I for one was left thinking: 'Why did they just keep fighting when they were being ground to nought?'

 

This could be a problem.

 

Ever since I conceived of the refounding idea, I've really wanted to find a way to pull off convincingly without just shouting that Chaos Did It. Warring against that impulse is the repeated criticism that I get too florid and descriptive, becoming lost in my storytelling rather than writing in a style which is suitable to an Index Astartes.

 

I'm starting to think that I'm not very good at finding that balance.

 

The Crimson Fists weren't, and they were reduced to similar circumstances, defining a handful of veterans might help here. After all, a handful with Marines could mean five men, or a depleted company, two completely different things-maybe have something like: 'At the conclusion of the campaign, little was left save three exhausted and brutalised squads of veterans,'

 

Consider it clarified and edited in when I do the next draft.

 

How did they get away with this, just serving up nuclear armageddon on a whim? I thought uncaring holocausts were the =][='s perogative, and they tend to quite prickly about other people getting up to it without their permission-even Exterminatus is conducted only with an Inquisitor's permission. Also, why did Dedlok suddenly cast aside his original beliefs so easily? This reeks of Deus Ex Machina.

 

I'll answer this in two parts.

 

While Exterminatus can only be ordered by the Inquisition, the Astartes possess the means to carry out the order and are the vessel by which the planetary death is delivered. One of the themes I'm attempting to bring out in the newer version of the writeup is that the Chapter is riding the line of behavior that would be acceptable, stepping over it quite explicitly when they're far enough away to likely escape notice and playing by the rules when they're within range of detection.

 

If a world known to be ravaged by Chaos is destroyed, who's to say that it was Loyalist Astartes that committed the deed and not some scheme of the Ruinous Powers? My guys operate on the extreme edge of the galaxy, beyond the Eye of Terror and - at times - within its bounds, where they are unlikely to come across anything approaching a friendly face. They possess more ships than they should, of marks that ought to be surrendered to the Mechanicus for refit and reassignment. Like the Iron Hands, they mercilessly punish weakness in those that they stand guard over, perhaps even moreso than their primogenitors.

 

In order to save humanity, they are treading a fine line that could lead to destroying it instead. In short, their hubris is a major weakness.

 

To address the second point, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for clarfication. Where is it that you see Talo turning against his own beliefs? The progression from stalwart Iron Hand to even more zealous eugenic crusader is something that I want to seem more natural, so any particular weakness is something I would like to refine.

 

I will say that the section is going to be receiving more information about the time period between leaving Medusa and finally opening fire upon the Navy for perceived cowardice and incompetence, since I have commentary from messages about the abruptness of the decision as it's currently written.

 

'Stores' is a plural, it should be 'were being prepared'.

 

Yes, it should be.

 

So these guys have spent their formative years running around, killing billions of Imperial Citizens with virus bombs, and now they have assasinated an Admiral of the Navy and destroyed an entire battlegroup. By this point, I was thinking, 'what?' It's a shame because the story is well done, and even a short sentence saying something along the lines of, 'And then they lied to the Inquisition and got away with it,' wouldn't leave me with a whole load of questions and a burst suspension of disbelief bubble.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm parsing this correctly, since the early sentences imply that you're confused by the events, but the end says that you think it's pulled off well enough that tightening the issues would make it believable.

 

Is that right?

 

Mechanic Space Cybermen-Nazis! Fantastic stuff.

 

You forgot their amazing esotertic powers. They're Space Cybermagician Nazis Who Think They're Doing Good.

 

It's a little plain. Perhaps something in the background?

 

I think a frieze of the Primarchs looking on appreciatively would give it the proper tone.

[Walter Payton]

My one for the upcoming Iron Praefacts is a Dragon gripping a winged cog impaled on a sword wielded by the Emperor. I think it works.

 

It's a little plain. Perhaps something in the background?

 

How does Horus getting slapped around by Leman Russ and Lion El'Jonson. And a Custode.

 

Now, onto Apothete's reply:

------------------------------------------------------

 

I have to say that I am not a fan of the new name-it just seems a tad generic, a tad staid. Think about it, how many DIY chapters will be called the Eagles of Iron, Iron Eagles or some such derivation. Then think how many will be called the Exonerators. The reason I like that name is because it is a little bit odd, a little bit different-a bit like Ferrus Mannus's Arctic Lions chapter-I read their IA in the Honouros because I thought, "'Arctic'"? Don't often see that adjective in relation to Marines, I shall spend a minute of me time lookin' at these here fine men."

 

Its the same with these guys. But the name change is your choice, so I will say no more, its up to you.

 

In all honesty, the Iron Eagles were chosen as a name just to see if I could find a way to work in a reference to my favorite eighties teen action movie. Along with everything else that I've been considering, I've been trying to come up with some borderline subtle pun on the name of the protagonist.

 

As the best that I've come up with so far is something which would likely be lost in the noise, a riff on the Master of Mankind title that the Emperor is sometimes known by, I'm not so certain that I'm going to be keeping the name. Still, the Exonerators is how I labeled them since the very early drafts and, in that entire time, I couldn't sell several people I truly respect on its use. They kept telling me that the Chapter didn't seem to be liberating anything, setting anyone free, though I had thought that it was clear that their goal was to free mankind from the tyrrany and fear of the warp and their uncertain future.

 

I got why they were named the Exonerators, but if others don't get it, then it is up to you. I thought of some others on the hoof, if you want inspiration:

 

The Steel Praefacts

The Liberators Ferrae

The Redemptor Legion

The Wardens Metallic

The Steel Castellans

The Iron Cataphracts

 

This is exactly the kind of criticism I've been wanting, because I should have caught that error and it slipped right by me. Can I blame it on always writing when I'm suffering from insomnia?

 

Anything to help. For what it's worth, I always write whilst high on computer duster...

 

I'm beginning to think that I am not that good at finding that balance.

 

I am sure that it will be fine. Perhaps not necessarily make it a battle, maybe sabotage or an unfortunate encounter with the good ship Planet Killer. Althought this could mean namedropping Abbadon.

 

While Exterminatus can only be ordered by the Inquisition, the Astartes possess the means to carry out the order and are the vessel by which the planetary death is delivered. One of the themes I'm attempting to bring out in the newer version of the writeup is that the Chapter is riding the line of behavior that would be acceptable, stepping over it quite explicitly when they're far enough away to likely escape notice and playing by the rules when they're within range of detection.

 

If a world known to be ravaged by Chaos is destroyed, who's to say that it was Loyalist Astartes that committed the deed and not some scheme of the Ruinous Powers? My guys operate on the extreme edge of the galaxy, beyond the Eye of Terror and - at times - within its bounds, where they are unlikely to come across anything approaching a friendly face. They possess more ships than they should, of marks that ought to be surrendered to the Mechanicus for refit and reassignment. Like the Iron Hands, they mercilessly punish weakness in those that they stand guard over, perhaps even moreso than their primogenitors.

 

In order to save humanity, they are treading a fine line that could lead to destroying it instead. In short, their hubris is a major weakness.

 

I realise that, but the passage doesn't make it clear that they were far far away, beyond the Imperial Remit.

 

To address the second point, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for clarfication. Where is it that you see Talo turning against his own beliefs? The progression from stalwart Iron Hand to even more zealous eugenic crusader is something that I want to seem more natural, so any particular weakness is something I would like to refine.

 

Something you want to seem more natural. But Games Workshop stuff seems to indicate the marines as being very set in their ways, and not susceptible to such ideological shifts.

 

I just want to make sure that I'm parsing this correctly, since the early sentences imply that you're confused by the events, but the end says that you think it's pulled off well enough that tightening the issues would make it believable.

 

Is that right?

 

What I am thinking is: 'Cool idea, well written, but there are a few plot holes that need fixing, such as a few explanatory senteces about how thet got away with it.'

Edited May 1, 2010 by Brother-Captain Alecto

[Apothete]

I'm going to forgo my usual list of changes because I'm dead tired, but this rewrite has been percolating for a while.

 

If I missed anything that someone brought up to me in particular, please remind me in comments. I'd started losing track of everything because I left this for too long after getting the feedback. Oh, and I did go back to their former name. There's a justification for it that I'm going to need to work in but I'm not sure just how to pull it off yet.

 

For now, I'm going to go collapse. Thanks for reading.

[Walter Payton]

Even after the splitting of the Legions, Ferrus' death was still fresh in the minds of his children and no successor of his line would fail to live to his example - succeed or die in the attempt.

 

I think 'fresh in the minds' is a poor turn of phrase for this. It implies that it was recent, rather than thousands of years previously. Perhaps something along the lines of 'still a powerful memory.'

 

Segmentum Scarum.

 

It is called the Segmentum Obscurus. The Scarus Sector is a sector, and called as such.

 

Il-Kaethe

 

It is Il-Kaithe, I believe.

 

Cursing the foolishness of those he had sworn to protect, the Chapter Master ordered the retreat from the system rather than declaring open war upon his erstwhile allies. The Exonerators executed a textbook retreat in all but one regard. As a parting gift for the renegades, he ordered all ships to fire first a salvo of torpedoes, followed by cyclonic munitions. The spread of their fire would allow the Imperial ships to escape desolation if they withdrew as he had first ordered. Their course set, the Chapter watched as the entire engagement - Loyalist and Traitor alike - burned.

 

You still haven't explained how they esacped censure. Why not say that 'All the Imperial Ships were destroyed before any could get a message off to High Command.' Or something of that nature.

[Apothete]

I've edited your concerns and dealt with them, I hope.

 

You still haven't explained how they esacped censure. Why not say that 'All the Imperial Ships were destroyed before any could get a message off to High Command.' Or something of that nature.

 

The sidebar was meant to imply something a little more subtle than outright stating it, but I did patch in a brief sentence or two since you feel so strongly that this should be overtly stated. Does the addition acceptably handle your objection or does it need something else?

[Walter Payton]

I've edited your concerns and dealt with them, I hope.

 

You still haven't explained how they esacped censure. Why not say that 'All the Imperial Ships were destroyed before any could get a message off to High Command.' Or something of that nature.

 

The sidebar was meant to imply something a little more subtle than outright stating it, but I did patch in a brief sentence or two since you feel so strongly that this should be overtly stated. Does the addition acceptably handle your objection or does it need something else?

 

Oh. Sorry, I missed that. Keep it as it was, that's great.

 

God, I'm slow today.

[Apothete]

Oh. Sorry, I missed that. Keep it as it was, that's great. :)

 

God, I'm slow today.

 

Are you kidding?

 

Two of the three things you responded to were stupid mistakes that I shouldn't have made in the first place. I ought to be able to type Scarum Sector in my sleep at this point, as long as I've been working on the Chapter... Now I just need to work in the angle I've been weighing on justifying their name, along with figuring out a way to get my concept drawings for the Chapter badge up so that people can give feedback on those. There are still two or three that I sort of like, but I can't draw with a mouse and have no digital camera currently.

 

Plus, once I get this section nailed down, I'm going to need to detail some of their history in the intervening eight thousand years so that the focus isn't entirely on their founding and the time immediately after. Nobody's criticized that yet and I'm a little surprised to have gotten away with it so far.

[Apothete]

Updated with some rewriting of the previous rewrite.

 

I'm attempting to play up certain elements of the backstory enough to make it clear where I'm going and what I'm doing, then I'll try to pare it back some. The main changes this time around are a shift away from being direct Iron Hands successors while still keeping the same geneline, the introduction of a genetic flaw that will be further developed later in the writeup, and more of a focus on their motivations and reasoning for what they do.

 

...and maybe someday I'll do these updates without months going by between them.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Apothete

[Ace Debonair]

Ah, he awakens again. I thought I heard heretics being crushed. :P

 

Let's take another look at these guys, then.

Centuries of warfare and a dearth of recruitment saw the Chapter whittled away, broken and yet unbowed as they snarled defiance at the forces arrayed against them. The remaining Brothers swore to a crusade of cleansing, forging into the heart of the Eye aboard the Strike Cruiser Heart of Iron, with their colors and heraldry struck and the stores of wargear placed with the Mechanicus against the day that it might be needed. With time, even their existence became a distant memory, stored in dusty stacks and forgotten by all but the most studious of historians.

 

The call came sooner than could possibly have been expected, the Chapter's incredible sacrifice and willingness to face the most desperate odds leading to their inclusion in the Sixth Founding.

 

I have no idea what's going on here, honestly. I'm not even sure what the call was. :lol:

Is this the chapter being almost destroyed before it was even created?

 

I actually had to read the relevant section twice to understand what was going on with the whole 'seeding the stars with children from decent gene-lines' thing. Although, now that I've got it, I can't remember what was confusing me. :D

 

And let me hasten to add that having to read it again could simply be me running afoul of my own denseness.

It happens every now and then.

 

...and maybe someday I'll do these updates without months going by between them.

I wouldn't worry too much about that, they're generally worth the wait. What you've got up to now is pretty good, I'd say.

Even if I don't understand all of the start, it still reads quite well. :lol:

[NightrawenII]

Centuries of warfare and a dearth of recruitment saw the Chapter whittled away, broken and yet unbowed as they snarled defiance at the forces arrayed against them. The remaining Brothers swore to a crusade of cleansing, forging into the heart of the Eye aboard the Strike Cruiser Heart of Iron, with their colors and heraldry struck and the stores of wargear placed with the Mechanicus against the day that it might be needed. With time, even their existence became a distant memory, stored in dusty stacks and forgotten by all but the most studious of historians.

 

The call came sooner than could possibly have been expected, the Chapter's incredible sacrifice and willingness to face the most desperate odds leading to their inclusion in the Sixth Founding.

 

I have no idea what's going on here, honestly. I'm not even sure what the call was. :teehee:

Is this the chapter being almost destroyed before it was even created?

+1 to what he said.

 

To add something of mine. :D

Clad in the ancient colors of their forebears and lead by a Captain of the Sons of Medusa named Talo Dedlok,

- It will be good to show us these ancient colors.

- I'm not sure if the Sons of Medusa are good choice. Since we don't know their Founding. Though with the upcoming IA, we are going to learn soon.

 

The xenos and the daemons were welcome to one another in Talo's mind.

- Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand.

 

To this end, he assigned Iron Father Kalun and Chaplain Horatius Venn...

- Iron Father *is* the Chaplain. Or at least that is the case of Iron Hands.

 

... to create a body within the Chapter which would oversee not only the development of their Brothers, but also the fitness of those who dwelled within their sphere of influence. Thus were the Scrutators born.

- Grrr. How it come that every time *I* invent some original and cool idea for my Chapter, someone will come and stoles it. :P

 

Taking the long view, the Chapter began to seed the stars with children taken from those genestocks that produced the best Astartes, leaving them to fend for themselves as further test of their capability.

- Hmm, but how do they get this genestock?

- Also, wouldn't be better to use planets instead of stars? The stars are rather hot, you know. ;)

[Apothete]

Ah, he awakens again. I thought I heard heretics being crushed. :P

 

The techmarines were most helpful.

 

I had a full cadre of traitorous scum to crush beneath the tread of my stompy wrath this time while they were calibrating my actuators and motive systems. Someone seems to have heeded my tantr... I mean, my explanation of the benefits of using live subjects in the ritual of awakening.

 

I have no idea what's going on here, honestly. I'm not even sure what the call was. :lol:

Is this the chapter being almost destroyed before it was even created?

 

Inverting my answer, since it will make more sense that way:

 

The original Exonerators belonged to a very early founding, perhaps Third or Fourth, and were extinguished due to their inability to maintain fighting strength against the constant onslught they faced as a member of the Praeses. The final members of the surviving Companies surrendered their colors and name to the keeping of the Highlords and returned their great fortress-ship to the Mechanicus so that a new Chapter could be made from their figurative ashes. The Brothers then boarded a Strike Cruiser and set out into the Eye, seeking to do as much harm to their enemies as possible before they expired.

 

The "call" is the resurrection of the colors, Chapter Number, and name under new leadership at a later point. The Chapter never really died, per se. It just went away for a while.

 

I actually had to read the relevant section twice to understand what was going on with the whole 'seeding the stars with children from decent gene-lines' thing. Although, now that I've got it, I can't remember what was confusing me. :thanks:

 

It's buried in the dense previous discussion and my writing, but the essence is that the Exonerators are arrogant eugenicists who believe that they can continue what the Emperor began. To that end, they are tinkering with humanity by application of the principle of the survival of the fittest, along with some more direct methods that become more and more present and extreme as the reformed Chapter ages. At present, I'm weighing just how far they go and how involved the Mechanicus is with their schemes, since their greatest defining trait is a hatred of weakness so incandescent that they're willing to torpedo ships that don't follow orders when they know they can get away with it.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about that, they're generally worth the wait. What you've got up to now is pretty good, I'd say.

 

This version is a partial rewrite and a partial refinement of existing elements. There's some brand new text in there, some cleaning up, paring, extending, and otherwise tinkering with existing material, and generally just my futzing around until I'm happy with the Origins and feel I can move on to the other sections.

 

- It will be good to show us these ancient colors.

 

I don't have the image included in the writeup at present because I didn't want to edit in a lot of formatting tags until I have the text where I wanted it, but they're purple and silver.

 

Observe:

 

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@hotQu_hYbiB@@@@___hotKo@_@@__@@@@@@@@@@@_@_@___________hjBde@@@___@@@@@@@@iakk7&

 

I'm not sure if the Sons of Medusa are good choice. Since we don't know their Founding. Though with the upcoming IA, we are going to learn soon.

 

It's entirely possible that the Sons of Medusa won't work in the long run. I might just have to create my own unofficial successor, since none of the official ones have much information either.

 

The goal was to move them a step away from the Iron Hands and give some more lattitude for allowing differences in structure, attitude, and philosophy that might not otherwise completely fit. I'm not much of a fan of the Forgeworld books and a few people I trust have told me that the most recent ones are fairly disappointing, though I'll likely have to remain in line with them if I want to stay true to the in-universe concordance I try to maintain.

 

Maybe it's just me, but I don't understand.

 

It's idiomatic, so I'd be curious to see if anyone else has trouble with this part.

 

Telveryon, a good friend and one of your fellow Euros, sometimes struggled a bit with my writing for the same reason. The basic meaning is that the two foes were fighting each other and that Talo was content to leave them to the fight without expending his men against them. If you knew that already, I'm sorry that I presumed it was language barrier.

 

Iron Father *is* the Chaplain. Or at least that is the case of Iron Hands.

 

Sorry, that should have been altered and I overlooked it. The Scrutators are a mirror-version of the traditional Iron Father, more Techmarine/Apothecary than Techmarine/Chaplain, with some overlap between the two positions. The Iron Fathers are better with technology and philosophy, the Scrutators with genetics, biology, and technology that affects the above. I originally wanted a single position that would encompass all three roles but that seems a little impractical when you consider just how much talent one individual would have to posses to ever make it.

 

Grrr. How it come that every time *I* invent some original and cool idea for my Chapter, someone will come and stoles it.

 

If it makes you feel better, the Scrutators have existed in one form or another within this Chapter since its third revision. They're at least a year and a half old as an idea.

 

Feel free to make use of it in your Chapter, though. I have my version of the skeletal Marines that Telveryon did.

 

Hmm, but how do they get this genestock?

 

It was going to be covered more in later segments, but the summarized version is that the Chapters uses multiple sources. They place the highest regard on stored gametes taken from each of their aspirants, using those of Marines who prove themselves exemplary in the cause of the Chapter to create either natural-born or clone children. Additionally, children of the same lineage that provided a great hero might be of interest due to the divergent influence of outside lines, much like breeding livestock. They have yet to dip their toes into the waters of direct genetic mingling of their most prominent bloodlines but, as I see it, it's a logical conclusion to the work they've begun if they possess the means and understanding to do so. That's going to have a lot to do with how I decide they're getting along with the Mechanicus.

 

Also, wouldn't be better to use planets instead of stars? The stars are rather hot, you know. msn-wink.gif

 

Sure, but can you imagine the tough bastards you'd get from a star's surface?

[NightrawenII]

The goal was to move them a step away from the Iron Hands and give some more lattitude for allowing differences in structure, attitude, and philosophy that might not otherwise completely fit. I'm not much of a fan of the Forgeworld books and a few people I trust have told me that the most recent ones are fairly disappointing, though I'll likely have to remain in line with them if I want to stay true to the in-universe concordance I try to maintain.

I do have some problems with the IA9, and right now I'm smelling *Epic Fail* in the upcoming volume II.

 

It's idiomatic, so I'd be curious to see if anyone else has trouble with this part.

 

Telveryon, a good friend and one of your fellow Euros, sometimes struggled a bit with my writing for the same reason. The basic meaning is that the two foes were fighting each other and that Talo was content to leave them to the fight without expending his men against them. If you knew that already, I'm sorry that I presumed it was language barrier.

Actualy it was. Thanks for clarification.

 

If it makes you feel better, the Scrutators have existed in one form or another within this Chapter since its third revision. They're at least a year and a half old as an idea.

 

Feel free to make use of it in your Chapter, though. I have my version of the skeletal Marines that Telveryon did.

Heh, no worry. I was just venting my frustration.

[Apothete]

I do have some problems with the IA9, and right now I'm smelling *Epic Fail* in the upcoming volume II.

 

Forgeworld is a sore subject with me. As a gamer, I'm not always a fan of their rules. As a hobbyist, I wish I had more money because I love a lot of what they come out with and it isn't even limited to my already overly-large number of armies. As an author, I'm not exactly a fan of a lot of their writing.

 

Now if they'd quit making Dreadnoughts with helmets the size of a TDA torso...

 

Actualy it was. Thanks for clarification.

 

Ah, good to know.

 

I'm sure that you're better in my language than I am in yours, though.

 

Heh, no worry. I was just venting my frustration.

 

That I understand.

 

If the Techmarines don't clean my vent stacks regularly, it gets a bit hot in this box.

[Apothete]

...and a one-week-off-the-front-page-two-comments-with-two-hundred-views bump.

 

Come on, guys. There has to be something else in there that needs work. Show me where it is.

[Telveryon]

First and foremost I have to say that the new version makes for a quite entertaining read. It does a better job at explaining the motivations chapter then the previous versions, but there are still a few problems. The biggest one I have to say is your command of the English language, it's too good! In several places your wording is overly complicated and detracts from the article as most readers go "Wait... What?" every other sentence. An IA is a series of facts at the end of the day and thus presenting them in a clear light is generally more important then making it look(well... read) cool. A little application of KIS would be wise.

 

Now, onto more specific gripes.

 

The call came sooner than could possibly have been expected, the Chapter's incredible sacrifice and willingness to face the most desperate odds leading to their inclusion in the Sixth Founding.

In the previous paragraph you said that the Exonerators were almost forgotten yet now you say they were recreated sooner then expected, there seems a conflict of concepts over here. You also don't don't make it clear enough that they were recreated. With the risk of repeating myself, IA are a list of facts, spelling things out rather then implying them is not something to be frowned upon (this isn't poetry after all).

 

During the journey, Talo would scour worlds in their path for suitable recruits in order to bolster their ranks and prepare for the inevitable conflict to come. The Exonerators brought the vengeance of a righteous Imperium wherever they went, the torch of war held aloft in the cold, metallic hands of their stern taskmasters. On the world of Nydus, they swept the canals clear of cultists and put the entire cities to flame, along with the cowering PDF troopers who had failed to stop the uprising. At the grinding stalemate of Vichy II, the Chapter scuttled a greenskin fleet and drove their crippled ships into decaying orbits around the gas giant that would see them burn to cinders, leaving the gutted Imperial Navy fleet to tend to its own wounds. World after world, engaging in bombardment or boarding action, the Exonerators would lose their own to pay for the folly of man and the weakness of his resolve to survive.

Now this is a perfect example of glossing over things! This bit tells more about the chapter then several paragraphs of the older variants!

 

Already aware of the goal of the Great Crusade and the Emperor's intention for man to become the secular, proper masters of the warp, the Brothers of the Exonerator Librarium were no strangers to employing their otherworldly talents in the prosecution of war.

And where did they stumble on this particular piece of information? The wishes of the Emperor aren't clear to High Lords, yet your chapter seems to know better then men that have actually set eyes on him. By no means do I wish to imply that this is a bad concept, but it should be elaborated a bit.

 

Of secondary importance, the volume also tells of the message which was sent to the Inquisition upon the destruction of an entire Naval strike force which they had been implored to rescue.

 

The communique consisted of few words and, though not complete in its account, they were entirely true. Simply, it said, "The fleet is a total loss. Retribution has been dealt."

Ok, this went straight over my head... Why is the relevant in any way?

 

Without mercy or remorse, these worlds were purged by cyclonic torpedo or as deployment exercise for the fledgling Marines in exercises meant to teach them the cost of seeking perfection.

Something is wrong with this sentence, but I can't put my finger on it...

 

Even as the great stores of information within the sanctuary of the Libris Omnis was being prepared under the supervision of Venn and Kalun, its tutelary engines brought back online so that they might impart lessons to the neophytes, the Exonerators were beginning to fully engage the forces of Chaos...

 

Cursing the foolishness of those he had sworn to protect, the Chapter Master ordered the retreat from the system rather than declaring open war upon his erstwhile allies...

These two paragraphs add absolutely nothing to the chapter, they should be a sidebar at the very best and not part of the main article. It seems to me that this is more of a throwback to the older articles with the sole purpose of keeping a link between them. But I'd say it's not worth it. Such parts can be safely dropped in favor of elaborating other points such as the aforementioned knowledge of the Emperor's plans.

 

And my last gripe is... Where's the rest of the article? I want to read more!

Edited December 30, 2010 by Telveryon

[Apothete]

First and foremost I have to say that the new version makes for a quite entertaining read. It does a better job at explaining the motivations chapter then the previous versions, but there are still a few problems. The biggest one I have to say is your command of the English language, it's too good! In several places your wording is overly complicated and detracts from the article as most readers go "Wait... What?" every other sentence. An IA is a series of facts at the end of the day and thus presenting them in a clear light is generally more important then making it look(well... read) cool. A little application of KIS would be wise.

 

I knew if I mentioned you in enough of my critique, you'd crop back up and come back to us. Good to see you back on the Liber.

 

Thanks for the kind words about my writing but I have to say that I struggle to do things any other way, and I have a tendency to do this kind of thing when speaking as much as I do here. I'll see what I can do about toning things down.

 

In the previous paragraph you said that the Exonerators were almost forgotten yet now you say they were recreated sooner then expected, there seems a conflict of concepts over here. You also don't don't make it clear enough that they were recreated. With the risk of repeating myself, IA are a list of facts, spelling things out rather then implying them is not something to be frowned upon (this isn't poetry after all).

 

Ah, the joys of conflicting advice.

 

A past version of the writeup was very, very explicit about quite a few things and I was urged to leave more up to the imagination and allow some mystery and interpretation to remain. Of course, that was also the one that got up near a seven thousand wordcount weigh-in, so... In any case, the approach I'm taking now is to address each section of the writeup in order so that I have the base of the house of cards stable before I try to build on top of it.

 

On this particular point, what I was striving to convey was that the Exonerators had been removed from all more conventional recall - that of the populace, the non-Astartes forces fighting in and around the Eye, and so on. Some would necessarily recall the Chapter that gave its life in exchange for a later resurrection, like the Adeptus Terra, the Mechanicus, and the sector Inquisition. They would be a distant memory except where required to be otherwise.

 

And where did they stumble on this particular piece of information? The wishes of the Emperor aren't clear to High Lords, yet your chapter seems to know better then men that have actually set eyes on him. By no means do I wish to imply that this is a bad concept, but it should be elaborated a bit.

 

This is actually bombast and internal delusion.

 

The Exonerators believe that they know what the Emperor desired, as evidenced by His actions at Nikea, in the creation of the Legions, in placing Astartes over the conventional forces during the Crusade, in his own use of warpcraft, science, cunning, and experimentation to carve out the Imperium itself. What they hold to be true is a concatention of facts and observations made before the Ecclesiarchy held sway, when the Emepror was merely the greatest man to ever live and not a god-being bestriding the cosmos. I'll address this a little more under the Beliefs section when I get there, as there's a detail that will be brought to light that helps unfold this concept.

 

Ok, this went straight over my head... Why is the relevant in any way?

 

The books themselves are a nod back to a concept I introduced around a year ago, when the Chapter fleet was very nearly destroyed in a single climactic battle. It's something I model onto certain figures, so I'm working it back into the story. The current sidebar is a modified piece from the previous revision, referencing the point at which the Exonerators turn their back on the idea that their war to save mankind means that they have to cherish each individual life. Talo sees himself as allowing the Naval forces to commit suicide, rather than having ordered their deaths, but he's cunning enough to know how it will look to men that he views as craven and lacking the necesary resolve. Hence the message, which is entirely true, while also being completely duplicitious.

 

Something is wrong with this sentence, but I can't put my finger on it...

 

Hmmm.

 

Maybe if you try putting two fingers on it?

 

These two paragraphs add absolutely nothing to the chapter, they should be a sidebar at the very best and not part of the main article. It seems to me that this is more of a throwback to the older articles with the sole purpose of keeping a link between them. But I'd say it's not worth it. Such parts can be safely dropped in favor of elaborating other points such as the aforementioned knowledge of the Emperor's plans.

 

It's actually both, but your opinion of it means that I need to revise some more in order to make the point I was striving for.

 

And my last gripe is... Where's the rest of the article? I want to read more!

 

It's not going to be written until I have this down and airtight. Patience, grasshoppper.

[Apothete]

Revision four is up, edited for commentary from Ace. Night, and Telveryon.

 

I attempted to address every point that was raised, but it's late and my fingers get dumb when I'm sleepy. Let me know if anything else needs to be edited.

[Heru]

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@hotQu_hYbiB@@@@___hotKo@_@@__@@@@@@@@@@@_@_@___________hjBde@@@___@@@@@@@@iakk7&

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/smbeta9.php?b62c=@hnHe1_hYbiB.hLL9J@@hqJzc@___hGxVO_.@@__@@@@@@@@@@@_@_@__________.hk8Yt@@@___@@_@@@@hk8Ytiakk7&grid=TRUE

Edited January 3, 2011 by Heru Talon

[Apothete]

Thank you... I think?

 

Aside from the slight difference in color, I'm not sure what I'm looking at.

[Heru]

I reduced the ugly over-saturation (by making it a closer approximation of the default colours saturation), and standardized the layout (changed the abdomen pipes, the ears, the helmet pipes + grill).

 

Edit: AND the background grid brings the scheme into proper focus.

Edited January 3, 2011 by Heru Talon

[Octavulg]

Heru's is purtier, honestly.

[Apothete]

I reduced the ugly over-saturation (by making it a closer approximation of the default colours saturation), and standardized the layout (changed the abdomen pipes, the ears, the helmet pipes + grill).

 

Edit: AND the background grid brings the scheme into proper focus.

 

The saturation was a bit much, but the purple's too washed out in that version. I'm aiming for something deep, rich, and vaguely regal, since most of the Games Workshop schemes I've seen that use the color make it too close to pink for my tates.

 

Can't argue too much with the rest, except that I left the abdomen pipes painted like the ceramite because that's probably how they'll look on the tabletop.

[Heru]

The saturation was a bit much, but the purple's too washed out in that version. I'm aiming for something deep, rich, and vaguely regal, since most of the Games Workshop schemes I've seen that use the color make it too close to pink for my tates.

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@hm2cj_hYbiB.hLL9J@@@@___hGxVO_.@@__@@@@@@@@@@@_@_hluiG__________.hk8Yt@@@___@@_@@@@hk8Ytiakk7&grid=TRUE

 

Can't argue too much with the rest, except that I left the abdomen pipes painted like the ceramite because that's probably how they'll look on the tabletop.

There is tabletop, and then there is making things look good for your IA.

[Apothete]

Now that's pretty.

 

Nicely done, Heru.

[Octavulg]

*Does a word count*

 

Apothete? Why am I looking at a 2000 word Origins section?

 

Hmmm?

 

* * *

 

Proud to the point of arrogance and steadfast beyond the call of duty, the Exonerators were created from the geneline of Ferrus Manus to bolster the Astartes Praeses' bloody watch over their traitorous kin. Much like their immediate primogenitors, the fledgling Chapter was sent to replace those in need, bolstering the defenses surrounding the Eye of Terror and forming a rapid strike force that would patrol the far border of that tainted space. Their remit would not allow for reliance upon a single world, and thus the enormous, pre-Heresy warship known as the Unyielding Resolve became their fortress monastery. Centuries of warfare and a dearth of recruitment saw the Chapter whittled away, broken and yet unbowed as they snarled defiance at the forces arrayed against them. The remaining Brothers swore to a crusade of cleansing, forging into the heart of the Eye aboard the Strike Cruiser Heart of Iron, with their colors and heraldry struck and the stores of wargear placed with the Mechanicus against the day that it would be needed. With time, even their existence became a distant memory, stored in dusty stacks and forgotten by all but the most studious of historians.

 

Second sentence: "replace those in need" - that doesn't mean anything.

 

Honoring the bequest of the fallen Brothers and the Chapter's incredible sacrifice and willingness to face the most desperate odds, the Exonerators were raised from the ashes upon the Eighth Founding, some thousand years after their original creation. Abbadon's attempt to breach the new defenses at Cadia highlighted the need for a strong, mobile force which could respond to the rapacious predations of the daemon, the traitor, and the heretic. Rather than risking being spread too thin along the border that ranged away from the fortress-worlds, the newly refounded Chapter were returned to their former home aboard their flagship and armed with a fleet that would allow for the long-ranging operations for which they would become known. Clad in their ancient colors and lead by a Captain of the Sons of Medusa named Talo Dedlok, the neophytes and their veteran overseers immediately left Mars and set course for the Rubicon Straits - an unregarded and poorly patrolled region of space on the far verge of the perpetual warpstorm that threatened the Scarum Sector.

 

You should be more explicit about the fact that they're brining the Chapter back again. Honestly, I think you'd be better off having the first Chapter be the Iron Eagles and their replacements be the Exonerators. A little less confusing.

 

It feels very odd that their flagship just got mothballed. Equally, it feels weird to tell us about what they will be known for before we do the in-between bit.

 

If it's a perpetual warp storm, shouldn't it be "threatens"? If it no longer threatens, how is it perpetual?

 

Also, this paragraph could easily be: "Abbadon's attempt to breach the new defenses at Cadia in the XXth millenium highlighted the need for a strong mobile force which could respond to the rapacious predations of Chaos. Thus in the Eighth Founding, the Exonerators were created using the heraldry and number of their fallen predecessors. The new Chapter was armed with the relics of the lost Iron Eagles, and clad in their ancient colors. Lead by a Captain of the Sons of Medusa named Talo Dedlok, the Chapter immediately left Mars and set course for the Rubicon Straits - a poorly patrolled region of space on the verge of the perpetual warpstorm threatening the Scarum Sector."

 

That's sixty-six fewer words. Do that to every paragraph and you'd have twelve hundred words, not two thousand. Not saying you can do it to every paragraph, but right now you have more than you should. You must learn control.

 

Seriously, dude. This is too much for an Origins section. It's a fair bit for an Origins section+Next Section of Unknown Name. You need to pare this down so we focus on what you want to focus on, and skim over the bits that don't matter.

 

During the journey, Talo would scour worlds in their path for suitable recruits in order to bolster their ranks and prepare for the inevitable conflict to come. The Exonerators brought the vengeance of a righteous Imperium wherever they went, the torch of war held aloft in the cold, metallic hands of their stern taskmasters. On the world of Nydus, they swept the canals clear of cultists and put the entire cities to flame, along with the cowering PDF troopers who had failed to stop the uprising. At the grinding stalemate of Vichy II, the Chapter scuttled a greenskin fleet and drove their crippled ships into decaying orbits around the gas giant that would see them burn to cinders, leaving the gutted Imperial Navy fleet to tend to its own wounds. World after world, engaging in bombardment or boarding action, the Exonerators would lose their own to pay for the folly of man and the weakness of his resolve to survive.

 

Nydus? I get it! (Also 'the entire cities'?)

 

Vichy? I get it.

 

The "weakness of his resolve to survive" bit doesn't get your point across as well as it might. Something more like "weakness of his placing his survival above victory" might work better. Assuming that's what you're getting at.

 

It would be the battle which saw them locked in combat with the forces of Craftworld Il-Kaithe and an incursion of daemon-ships which would shape the destiny of the Chapter indelibly. Having learned of the goal of the Great Crusade and the Emperor's intention for man to become the secular, proper masters of the warp from the great tutelary engines deep within the fortress-ship, the Brother-Librarians were no strangers to employing their otherworldly talents in the prosecution of war. However, against the combined might of the farseers, bonesingers, and the swift Eldar ships, combined with the sheer, raw power of the manifesting entities within the hulls of the traitor fleet, they stood little chance. Forced into a bitter fighting retreat, their geneseed and the increasingly rare neophytes too precious to allow to fall, the Chapter fell back and jumped into the empyrean. The xenos and the daemons were welcome to one another in Talo's mind.

 

That first sentence is so cliched it hurts.

 

Why would the tutelary engines tell them that/why wouldn't they already know? And how is the last part of that sentence connected to the first? And where's the context for this battle? Why are the neophytes increasingly rare?

 

Empyrean is a proper noun.

 

The structure of the last sentence makes it sound like Talo's turned traitor.

 

Calling together the Captains and inviting the most senior of his advisors, Talo flew into a rage at the retreat they had been forced to choose. An increasing number of neophytes were failing in the early stages of their training, rejecting the progenoids even before receiving their black carapace. Coupled with the manifest cowardice of the Imperial forces they encountered, the sheer inability of conventional defenses to face the predations of the corsair fleets, the evidence mounted in his eyes that mankind was falling far short of their Father's intended destiny. There and then, knowing that the men with him would form the first Grand Conclave, Talo swore each of them to the pursuit of perfection not only in their own forms but also in those who they would be protecting and drawing their recruits from. No worthwhile aspirant could possibly come from so lowly a stock, and so the Exonerators would actively encourage the growth and improvement of mankind. To this end, he assigned Iron Father Kalun and Chaplain Horatius Venn to create a body within the Chapter which would oversee not only the development of their Brothers, but also the fitness of those who dwelled within their sphere of influence. Thus were the Scrutators born.

 

Since there's nothing particularly wrong with this paragraph, I'm going to demonstrate shortening again.

 

When they left the Warp, Talo, his most senior advisors, and the Captains of the Chapter met in the first Great Conclave of the Chapter, where all were furious at their forced retreat. An increasing number of neophytes were rejecting their progenoids before even receiving their Black Carapace. The Imperial forces in the region were cowardly, and possibly corrupt. The conventional defenses were woefully inadequate to face the predations of the corsair fleets. The Exonerators had been forced to retreat by the weakness of those around them. The assembled Marines swore themselves to the pursuit of perfection not only in themselves but also in mankind. No worthwhile aspirant could possibly come from so lowly a stock as that which surrounded them, and to this end the Scrutators were created, to oversee both the development of the Chapter's Brothers and that part of humanity which dwelt within their sphere of influence. Thus were the Scrutators born.

 

155 vs. 207.

 

The Price of Vigilance

Engraved upon sheets of blessed electrum and bound in plates smelted from recovered hull fragments of destroyed elements of the first Exonerator Chapter's fleet, the Price of Vigilance contains the collected Requiat Heroicum and the tales of those who came before. The volumes occupy places of honor in every shipboard chapel and the Scrutators are known to carry them into battle as badges of office.

 

Every novice is required to memorize the entire book as a measure of piety and a test of his mind, to learn the most basic of doctrines from the sacrifice of those who came before him.

 

The pages of the holy text contain two lessons. First and foremost is that eradication of the Chapter is an acceptable sacrifice if it stops untold harm from reaching the rest of the galaxy. Of secondary importance, the volume also tells of the message which was sent to the Inquisition upon the destruction of an entire Naval strike force which they had been implored to rescue.

 

The communique consisted of few words and, though not complete in its account, they were entirely true. Simply, it said, "The fleet is a total loss. Retribution has been dealt."

 

'Total loss' feels colloquial.

 

The second message feels weirdly specific for so large a collection of books. I'd speak more in generalities than in specifics.

 

I think 'even' before eradication would help the sentence immensely.

 

Centuries had passed since the departure from Mars, wiled away in conflict and recruitment as a path was carved through the stars. New aspirants were brought aboard the hulking warship-monastery, undergoing the grueling process by which they would be tested for fitness, each measured not just as a man but as an example of his people. Taking the long view, the Chapter began to seed the stars with children taken from those genestocks that produced the best Astartes, leaving them to fend for themselves as further test of their capability. Detachments lead by Scrutators would return after decades, centuries, even millenia, and bring to bear the arts genetor, so that they could codify and enhance the traits that would lead them on to greater and greater victory.

 

OK, you keep jumping around in tenses. It's confusing me.

 

More than once, the Exonerators would uncover signs of blasphemous taint or overt rebellion amongst their charges. Without mercy or remorse, these worlds were purged by cyclonic torpedo or deployments meant to teach the fledgling Marines the cost of seeking perfection. In each case, even should they stand unbloodied and unharmed, the Chapter's belief that mankind was too weak to properly serve the Emperor was reinforced by the failure of the populace or the militaries which defended them. The final proof would come in two forms, one temporal and paid in the blood of Brothers, the other from within the vast central library within the Unyielding Resolve.

 

...Abrupt segue.

 

Even as the Exonerators were beginning to fully engage the forces of Chaos, great stores of information within the inner sanctum were being prepared and further decoded, disused tutelary engines brought back online so that they might impart the lessons of their spiritual ancestors to the neophytes and augment the doctrine of the Sons. Buried within genelocked databanks that only opened to those created from their own ranks, the indoctrinal liturgies of the Exonerators once more flowed in receptive, capable minds. Talo, Venn, Kalun, and the rest of the Conclave soon realized that the course they had charted was inspired, that the hand of the Emperor was upon them and guiding their steps towards a better, brighter future for the Imperium. Though the grand, ambitious plan to recreate man had not figured into the long-dead Chapter's records, the general thrust of their dedication to perfection was plainly there, supplemented with archives of first-hand accounts of the Great Crusade and Heresy, along with voluminous speculations as to the causes of the schism, the nature of Chaos, and the threats the Emperor had forseen. Chief amongst the charges laid at Horus' feet was the assertion that secrecy, divisiveness, and the lust for individual power fueled the great war, further fueling the Chapter's fervent drive to distance themselves from the mistakes of others.

 

Why hadn't they used the engines before?

 

Also, since secrecy is the enemy, they publicly explain themselves...right?

 

So it was that they went forth, taking from the worlds upon which they fought the very best that they could find, to be fed into an increasingly sophisticated eugenic program. Expanding and hastening their work, the Scrutators would leave children - clonal, natural, and enhanced - every time they stopped to gather new blood, forged into great men through the same means that the Emperor created their long-dead liege, Ferrus. Still, this would not be enough, and the Chapter embarked upon an ambitious program of bionic modification within their own ranks, not merely for the sake of replacing what was lost, but to enhance themselves that they might imitate that greatest of men, the Emperor. In His image the Exonerators created and, for a time, it was good.

 

Again, abrupt segue.