Trial by Fire

[Tyrannicide]

Syron felt the pain thicken, as the other body-gloved Astartes battered his iron fist into Syron's exposed ribcage. The unexpected punch dropped him to his knees. This is what he desired. The pain and the discomfort. He looked toward the broadly, well-muscled form of Thantos, his brother and his squad sergeant. They had been inactive since Peca Minoris. Now he thought of that campaign, they had lost four brothers on that damned world. Now Syron longed for the sensations of combat once again.

 

He focused on the next incoming blow, though this time he was entirely aware. He easily sidestepped the clumsy throw, and spun on his heel kneeing the competitor in the face. The last move signaled the end of the simulation, and Syron turned to help his old friend Evander.

 

'I wasn’t expecting that,' he chuckled.

 

'My apologies,' joked Syron, as the two made their way back to the resting cells.

 

They had arrived at the Faithful’s Deliverance under a month ago. The Chapter was currently still in mourning from the dark losses it had sustained upon the world of Peca Minoris against the greenskin hordes. Syron had performed faultlessly upon the planet’s surface, and was rumored to be a potential candidate for squad sergeant in the fifth company. It was a significant day for the young Space Marine. He was meeting with the company’s commander, Brother Captain Proteus. He retired from his discussion with Evander, and continued down the star fort’s long pathways, toward the Captain’s personal chambers.

 

He approached the room and nodded to the two silver-armored marines standing guard outside, as they let him pass through. As he stepped through the entrance, his senses were assaulted by aromas and scents of oils. They left a sour, foul taste in Syron’s mouth. Proteus stood directly across from the door, gazing out into the stars beyond.

 

'Brother Captain,' exclaimed Syron 'You requested to see me?' The Marine turned to face Syron.

 

'I did, indeed,' replied Proteus. He was a grizzled veteran and an old wolf of the Chapter. Scars laced his shaved head, his brow was set with three service studs, and his entire right arm was a bionic counterpart. Syron thought to himself, what other wounds had the man received in the countless battles he had been previously been involved in?

 

'It has been a great journey, Syron,' he said. 'You excelled in your objectives on Peca, as well as past conflicts. All with great ease too,' added Proteus.

 

'Sir,' nodded Syron.

 

'I trust that you deserve this and the opportunity has presented itself. You are to now lead from the front, and direct your own squad in the rich fires of combat. You’ve been a great interest since your induction into the company, eight years ago,' Proteus continued.

 

'You will make one fine sergeant, Syron, and perhaps more one day.But now you must ready yourself for this responsibility, immediately. You are to report to the Chapel and talk with Chaplain Kastor. I’ve personally requested that he help attend you with your selection of recruits.'

 

'I will, Brother Captain,' replied Syron, grinning.

 

'You are to take command of Squad Strato,' finished Proteus.

 

Syron had remembered the squad’s former leader, an experienced well-liked sergeant. Strato had died on Peca in his attempt to stymie the greenskins. He and five others were discovered atop a summit, dead, surrounded by dozens of Ork corpses. Syron would need to choose five initiates to bring the squad’s numbers back to full strength.

 

He left the Captain’s chambers swiftly. His mind was swarmed with many new notions and profoundly, his new duty. This is what it meant to be part of the Legion he thought, the Doom Legion.

 

 

 

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Chapter two is coming soon, but I'd like to hear any comments on the story so far. This is my first piece of fiction on the boards, just wanted to see what others thought of it. :)

[Ferrus Manus]

As he stepped through the entrance, his senses were assaulted with aromas and scents of oils.

 

This bit doesn't read right. I'd change 'with' to 'by.'

 

what other wounds had the man received in the countless battles he had been previously been involved in.

 

He's asking himself a question therefore the sentence should end in a '?'

 

“It has been a great journey, Syron,” he said “You excelled in your objectives on Peca, as well as past conflicts.” “All with great ease, too” added Proteus. “Sir” nodded Syron. “I trust that you deserve this and the opportunity has presented itself. You are to now lead from the front, and direct your own squad in the rich fires of combat.” “You’ve been a great interest since your induction into the company, eight years ago” Proteus continued.

 

Here you have dialogue from two people on the same line, generally I'd say to start a new line when someone different is speaking to avoid confusion.

 

The rest is good, except the one minor grammar issue. When you finish a piece of speech always punctuate it before closing the dialogue, for example: "Your orders are to go to the Librarium," he said....

[Commissar Molotov]

My first - and most important - comment is this: It's too short. Don't call them "Chapters", as that's almost an insult! Look at the nearest GW book for a basis of comparison. You could easily make this longer. Doing so would benefit you. You're in almost the opposite position to most 40k writers - you can do the dialogue, but not the rest. Dialogue is where most people fall down when it comes to Marines. You're doing well there. You just need to lengthen things and detail them. The fight between Syron and Evander should be lengthened and then there's more of an impact.

 

I don't want to embark upon a line-by-line critique yet (and I probably won't unless you ask me to do so) but try to take your time with things. You rush from scene to scene without giving time for the reader to enjoy themselves. Instead of rushing on to the second Chapter, take the time to lengthen the one you've got and make it a good start.

 

:)

[Lone Scout]

Your story flows nicely. It is really hard to write stuff like this, harder still to post it for criticism. I admire your talent and your courage. Looking forward to the next instalment.

[Tyrannicide]

My first - and most important - comment is this: It's too short. Don't call them "Chapters", as that's almost an insult! Look at the nearest GW book for a basis of comparison. You could easily make this longer. Doing so would benefit you. You're in almost the opposite position to most 40k writers - you can do the dialogue, but not the rest. Dialogue is where most people fall down when it comes to Marines. You're doing well there. You just need to lengthen things and detail them. The fight between Syron and Evander should be lengthened and then there's more of an impact.

 

I don't want to embark upon a line-by-line critique yet (and I probably won't unless you ask me to do so) but try to take your time with things. You rush from scene to scene without giving time for the reader to enjoy themselves. Instead of rushing on to the second Chapter, take the time to lengthen the one you've got and make it a good start.

 

:turned:

Thanks for the reply Mol. I really do need to add more, but unfortunately I'll be pretty tight on time until the end of the month. I think the hardest thing for me at this point is the 'transition' phase in writing as you mentioned. I had trouble when trying to change 'scenes'. If you have any tips or suggestions on that particularly, I'd be grateful.

 

 

Your story flows nicely. It is really hard to write stuff like this, harder still to post it for criticism. I admire your talent and your courage. Looking forward to the next instalment.

Thank you for your comment Lone, I appreciate it.

[captain_shrike]

Hey, nice piece of writing. Seeing as Decembers over are you going to have more time to write some more? It's interesting, especially as I'm considering making a Doom Legion army. Fluff, whether it be GW official or fan made, always interests me.

[Tyrannicide]

Hey shrike, thanks for the comment. I'd like to write some more fluff but with school starting up again it may be some time before I get something decent written.