Angelus Mortis

[chapter master 454]

Angelus Mortis

 

 

Overview

Angelus Mortis was founded sometime after the age of apostasy ended. During the turmoil a constant patrol of space marines was required to keep a section of southern imperial space under control. From this need the Angelus Mortis was founded and are space bound bar for their four key strongholds on each of their recruiting worlds however they are nothing more than reminders to the planets population that the emperors angels of death are always near.

Common place engagements are against Ork and chao incursions and often the Angelus Mortis are the first chapter to combat the infestation; be it green or mutated. For this reason many inquisitors question the chapters purity however regular purity tests and tests of faith have so far kept inquisitors content with the chapters performance. The chapter does habour two un-usual personal traits: a distaste for any blood angel founded chapters and very dangerous drop tactics: use of modified thunderhawks (called lightninghawks) to drop tanks directly into battles at equal pace as drop pods.

 

 

Organisation

Angelus Mortis is seperated into four large companies that patrol four areas of space, the centre of their patrol ring is their recruiting worlds system. The chapter owns five unique ships called grand strike cruisers, larger than normal cruisers by a couple of factors these ships are potent weapons of war that are know to take on entire fleets of the enemy and come out relatively un-harmed by the actions of heavy void shielding and heavy armour.

Of the five ships, four see active service for the four companies while the fifth is known as the war-forge. Out of the five, this ship is the most powerful and durable for several reasons; it's crew is the vast majority of the chapters finest techmarines and is home to the chapters Forge-master and forge-apprentice (who fill the position of master of the forge for the chapter). This, coupled with the hundreds of servitors on board, make it capable of repairing almost all damage done during a fight on the go. Another note is that it mounts a special experimental lance weapon that sacrifices some power for the ability to fire faster, this weapon has ended any ork pirates being successful of even boarding the vessel.

For the rest of the ships, if major repairs are required then ships return to the warforge for repairs from not only the warforge but the planet the warforge orbits loosely (itself patrols a space around the system that it's planet is in), the planet being a forge-world. While there are more than one forge-world in the chapters care, only this one can repair the vast crusiers they use. Basic re-arming is done from nearest forge-world or world that is capable of such while basic repairs are done by the techmarines and their servitors which limits the companies need to return for repairs.

 

In terms of of squad numbers and captains, there are 8 captains in total for the entire chapter, 4 are the captain while 4 are vice-captains. This in effect makes the companies able to have 2-3 companies worth of marines reinforce an area without as much need for commanders to be appointed. Squad numbers are roughly equal to any other chapter bar that each company has more squads for obvious reasons (roughly eleven tactical squads, 6 devastator squads and 6 assault squads per company). Veterans and scouts among the companies are all individual for them. It is noted though that the first company have more veterans than any other company. This is caused by two things: the planet they recruit from is considered the harshest environ to recruit from.

Llabpain is a spilt-world, the three hives on the planet are so cramped and hard to manage they are ruled by gangs more than anything while in the jungles that habour viscious creatures there lives those who would prefer fighting against nature than the gangs of hives so the the first company has hardened jungle fighters and hive fighters giving them an unparrelled edge in cities and deathworlds. In open combat they still cause hell for the enemy but not as well as the 2nd and 3rd company who recruit from more tribal worlds which fight in open plains and know how to use what little cover is given.

The 4th is considered an oddball company in that it has more techmarines than any other company due to their recruitng world being a forge-world; not great fighters by comparsion to the rest of the chapter but are noted for the ability to be able to repair their armour and weapons with little problem along with being able to hi-jack enemy weapons and other such things like vechiles if required. Alot of the marines are able to preform basic maintence on equipment often meaning that while the company is not as strong in comparison to the rest of the chapter, it has been noted to have only visited the warforge once for repairs in it's entire service.

 

As far as things like chaplins are concerned these are left to the company to sort out. The 3rd company has a slightly higher amount of chaplins in it's ranks than the other companies while the 2nd tends to field a marginally larger amount of librarians than the other companies do. This is explained due to the 2nd companies high amount of dealings with chaos on their recruiting world. While not tainted to the point of needing destroyed, the energies are thought to increase the chances for individuals to be able to harness the powers of the warp. 1st company and 4th company also have a strong contrast in use of fast moving units: 1st company used bikes and jump packs almost exclusively for fast moving requirements while the 4th company makes use of land speeders for their fast moving needs. Part of this being believed that the 1st company is made more of those who really aren't truely trusting of tech that takes them above the ground for longer than a few moments while the 4th company uses land speeders en mass for they prefer engaging in their preferred area: ranged. It is a noted conflict in the chapter that often if the 1st and 4th company are fielding elements near each other, races are pitted out between land speeder crew and bikers along with competitions of who can kill the most. Alot of the time though the captains of each company make this practice unfavourable with pentiences for such acts being sanctioned to the others vechile 'as so thy can understand the tactical value of the others assets'. Vice-captains though are known to give the crews some credit for the competitive spirit, however none are sure if this is sarcasm on their part or them ebing serious about it.

 

Added note: current chapter master is Dalhit Bayson.

 

 

Doctrine

While each company is unique with certain doctrines due to their inherit recruiting world, there are three defining features of the chapter:

1. The use of modified thunderhawks, called lightninghawks, to drop tanks off into battle along side drop pods. This tactic is seen by most as a reckless act and some members of the mechaicus express concerns to the chapters 'Un-kindly treatment of the omnisaiahs creations'. Most of the techmarines in the chapter however keep a little piece of information from the Cult: all the tanks are given small under-side grav-plates designed to reduce landing stress. The Forgemaster was known once to have helped an imperium guard super-heavy formation deploy 3 baneblade chassis tanks into combat with grav-plates designed by himself. It was rumoured the forgemaster did not tell the tech-priests attending the formation and was recieving several long 'talks' in which the priests screeched their binary at him. The forgemaster eventually told them which just caused them to go at him again for not telling them. He has since refused to do it again unless it involves titans for undisclosed reasons.

 

2.The chapter refuses most calls for help from blood angel founded chapters. They do not disclose reasons for such actions.

 

3.They have a rather independant nature. Each squads suits carry mapping technology as to map out locations so that if they need return they will know where they are and what they need to secure. The sarges of the squads are also considered highly independant and often only need an objective to achieve and often they accomplish several other objectives they might find along their way. This practice has been likened to the alpha legion however most see this as a coincidence and it often proves useful enough to cast a blind eye over the fact.

 

The companies do indeed have their personal traits as well:

1st grand company: Captain: Gregor Finn, Vice-captain: Derek Andrews. The company is adept at city-fighting along with jungle war-fare. Has more veterans than the other companies.

2nd grand company: Captain: Hecthor Ectasy, Vice-captain/Head librarian: Craig Vanotra. The company is noted along with the 3rd company for open area war. Has more librarians than the other companies.

3rd grand company: Captain/Chief chaplin: Lawrence Nill, Vice-captain: Vi Kel. The company is noted along with the 2nd company for open area war. Has more chaplins than the other companies.

4th company: Captain: Steward garth, Vice-captain/company head-techmarine: Leo forth. The company is noted for ranged war-fare along with having more techmarines than any other company.

 

Note that due to the high encounter rate of orks and chaos marines close together, missle launchers and plasma weapons are favoured by many marines sine both are able to punch through armoured targets along with lighter ones.

 

Beliefs

Angelus Mortis have few truely solid beliefs bar one. All their marines have a deep caring for their weapons, each marine is given a chainsword, boltgun and bolt pistol upon becoming a marine (IE, recieving power armour). These weapons are theirs until death and are always with them regardless of form. If the marine becomes a sarge and earns the right to a power weapon his chainsword is taken and ether melted down and re-formed into his new weapon or parts are taken and used in the new weapon and the same applies to all weapons. Even their terminator armour is considered important, pieces from their power armour is attached to their terminator armour to ensure each marine know it's the machine spirit they've been with all their service. This has lead to marines becoming highly attached to weapons and any lost in battle will be retrieved by the marine no matter the cost to them, even if it's their life.

 

Honours and notable events along with notes on captains

1st Grand company Captain Gregor Finn: Is over 60% bionics and cybernetic replacements due to an inciddent when an ork rokkit found a weak spot in his armour. Currently he does not need to eat, requires 70% less sleep than most marines to stay effective and can breathe any air regardless of toxic qualities. Personal squad: terminator squad II 'Finn's revenge'

1st grand company Vice-captain Derek Andrews: Andrews is known for his very aggressive tactical style which often suits best to jungle and city-fighting which his company is adept at. Personal squad: Sternguard squad VI 'Andrews' Annilators'

 

2nd Grand company Captain Hecthor Ectasy: Known for his overly energtic approach to warfare. He lives up to the idea of being an angel of death by using a specially made power weapon shaped like a scythe and rides a bike. Personal squad: Bike squad I 'Mortis'

2nd company Vice-captain Craig Vanotra: noted as the companies head librarian, he is never seen as an inspirational leader and is somewhat of a mute. Personal squad: None known

 

3rd Grand company captain Lawrence Nills: noted as chief chaplin of his company, he is a very loud and daring man who has no problems advertising his position to the enemy. He has suffer many wounds in his career but through indominatable will and fiery words his men have won many glorious victories. Personal squad: Assault squad III 'Emperor's messangers'

3rd grand company vice-captain Vi Kel: like his captain is very daring however is not as loud and often overlooked by many enemies thinking a captains sub would be just as loud. Known for heavy use of Whirlwinds, often personally directs barrages and gives them prayers of venegance so thy strike at the enemy with all their might. Personal Squad: none known however is noted to sometimes crew whirlwinds and mount devasating long range hell on the enemy.

 

4th grand company captain Steward garth: Known to never engage in close combat with enemies but prefers killing them at range with his personally modified storm bolters. Personal squad: devastator squad V 'Bolter blitz'

4th grand company Vice-captain Leo Forth: noted as companies leading techmarine, he is never seen fighting outside of his personal Predator Annilator 'Omnissiah's judgement'. Personal squad: none

 

Noted Individuals:

Chapter Lord Thomas Phan: Chapter lord is unique to the angelus Mortis as it is what vice-captains are to captains. He is rarely seen bar leading his famous tactical squad. Personal squad: Tactical squad II 'Andrew's Annointed'

 

Venerable dreadnoughts Ventris Gard and Kayvaan Gard: Two brothers who have yet to be deployed seperate. They often form the driving wedge in any assault and make the unpassable wall in any defense. Noted for having a moment of insubination prior to interment, reason given as Ventris dueled the chapter master as so he could be interred into a dreadnought along with his seriously wounded brother. Was denied and left near death until he was eventually interred after kayvaan awoke as a dreadnought and held the chapter master hostage in a dreadnought close combat weapon. Unknown whether they were ever given pardon for such acts.

 

Chapter Master Dalhit Bayson: wields an unusal sword that he says has been made from part of his soul. Investigations into this matter often lead with the chapter master immediately dismissing it meerly as a joke as it refers to his chapter's beliefs.

 

 

C&C on my chapter in it's new form. Hope it's better than it was!

[Sigismund Himself]

First up, run the thing through a spellchecker. Then doublecheck over it for wrong words (eg. there instead of their). There's a lot of that throughout the article and it does make it a lot more difficult to read. I would advise doing this before you do anything else, otherwise I doubt that you will have many readers and critics at all. Anyhow, onto the fluff.

 

the inquistion have forever been weary of the 454 guard for sometime due to there more than ready manner to fight for what they belief, even against the inquistion itself.

Fighting against the Inquisition is a good way to get yourself Excommunicated from the Imperium. More detail is needed.

 

however for those that suffer ribcage or anything that involves vital organs then they are summarily executed rather than suffer the fate they know is coming.

Why executed? It seems a waste of the marine. Why not instead one last glorious crusade until his death, taking as many foes down with him as he can?

 

marines often found there fused arm or leg to be far more damage resisent and could use the limb in very damaging manners.

It doesn't seem at all sensible to go into close combat with such a disadvantage (the loss of flexibility of a normal arm).

 

steel we ride, faith by our side

This just doesn't seem very space marine-y to me.

 

they have enough tanks to match and some say out match the aurora chapter as they have been seen fielding land raiders even in there 5th company.

Saying you've got more vehicles than a chapter that is known for having a huge armoury seems to have a bit of MISS ('Me, I'm Super' Syndrome) in it. Explain why and how they got so many at least and please consider redoing this part.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Sigismund Himself Posted Today, 12:26 PM

Fighting against the Inquisition is a good way to get yourself Excommunicated from the Imperium. More detail is needed.

 

More to the point, you need some very powerful friends to stop the Inquisition uniting against you. Even the Space Wolves maintain a very small group of 'trusted' Inquisitors.

[chapter master 454]

thanks for the advice and about the spell checker, i don't have a IEspellchecker and since they come from an unknown publisher i ain't risking anything ether though i have norton. i'd rather not risk anything.

[Brother Scythe]

That's a pretty pathetic view. I don't want to risk it? There are hundred of free, risk-free spell checkers out there as well as programs you can buy in store or online.

 

Personally if you are to lazy to spell check it so we can understand it better why should we be not so lazy and read and comment on it for you?

[kil78]

spellcheck.net, it is web based so you dont need to install anything

 

plus if they donot have room to practice with jump packs, how do they have enough room to practice with tanks?

[chapter master 454]

there found a spellcheck and used it. now yous can be happy to know thats now in (i hope) proper english (UK mainly i hope <_< ). i would like to note that they went with tank training areas on there ships over jump pack training. but i think that being completely nit-picking isn't nice but i guess its nesscessary. i'll add in more detail over time as i've said. so don't think i'm done with this yet!

[Godslayer]

When you go to add more detail, I would strongly suggest working out how a fleet-based chapter is able to maintain both a full fleet that can carry a space marine chapter AND a significantly larger than normal armoured force. No homeworld, no garden of resources there, you have to get resources to make stuff you have the knowledge to make. And/or you need something to barter with the likes of admech for new equipment especially when it comes to things that only they can replace. Where? How? Why?

That is important to them.

No homeworld also means you either go back somewhere to get newbies, or you pick 'em up from multiple places, this would impact the chapter because your marines would be mixing from all kinds of places and cultures.

 

It is a very valid point that you need detail on how a fleet-based IA trains a large armoured force. Maybe they make good use of time passing through less civilized systems and running additional armoured exercises on feral worlds and the like.

 

These are the kinds of things that further you chapter's identity, who they are, why the behave differently as a group, how they fight, and are there any defining people, actions, or battles? Most good chapters have outstanding features that both add to their story and their battlefield prowess, but may present obstacles, or other defining features.

[kil78]

basiclly it is just a weird spot in the narrative but not a insurmontable on.

 

Q: How is it possible that they have room to train on tanks but not on jump packs or bikes?

 

A: maybe they do not really train on tanks but increadibly accurate simulators. pehapse going as far to disconnect the machine spirits from vehicles and connecting them to the simulators. over time they have grown to see the machine spirits as diembodied brethern as much apart of the chapter as a regular marine.

 

there could even be spirits that have served for thousands of years in different vehicles that have grown more complicated and are respected members of the chapter. the vehicles are the flesh that clothe these warriors of the emperor, maybe they have even put some of these in dreadnaught bodies.

 

this shareds belife could get them in good with some factions of the admech, which would explain why they have so many tanks. but could be look at as almost heretical by some members of the inquisition. leading to some uncomfortable meetings with other imperial forces.

 

 

 

just something to think about, a problem is only a problem if if you don't explain it, if you do expalin the "weirdness" it can be the hook for your chapter.

 

 

 

ps what is wrong with american english?

[chapter master 454]

awww, now thats an awesome idea but its too good for me to use since you came up with it. anyway i think going as far as removing the machine spirit may be considered a little off key with older mechaicus groups. yes i realise i got to explain ton loads but to be honest i find it fun this way because i can fix it out over time and thats more accruate since i can see what needs fixed or what needs changed or such. but in the meantime make sure you do nit-pick as best you can, i may not like you then but i think in the long run it shall be better off.

 

edit: to the PS bit: i'm scottish and i tend to have some things i don't like about some americans, besides US spelling is just weird looking to me. after all i can't spell colour like yous and still pronouce it that same, something i do with warhammer daemons, i say day-mons instead of demons since i think silent letters need banned!

[Ezekial Gravestone]

i am one of those lurkers here but you know you say they are rapid response, what if they have come to help major admech worlds, maybe a few major fights, even been known to march with a few titan legions from time to time, certainly go to say why they are heavy armor if they go with legions, admechs i believe look good on chapters who are friendly with them, might also want to remember if you go this route man you will have allot of tech marines

[chapter master 454]

oh great idea, love it. i'll add that in somewhere. also helps since i want a couple of warhounds in my army. i have to say you guys are far better at all this fluff than me by a good bit, then again yous have probably had more experience with fluff and such (since some of you date back to 2nd edition)

[Ezekial Gravestone]

naw, i am just a huge fan of the books and read alot, also tend to over think things so finding out how and what works is for me, its up to you to work out the fluff i just bring new lines of thought

[chapter master 454]

well keep doing so. i would like to find some novels and i think theres some i might like like the gaunts ghost series and gotrek and felix (hope i got that last name right). also i've seen a book in a sampler, think it was kains last stand or something, don't know but it looked good. might consider the horus heresy series, looks real good

[Godslayer]

www.blacklibrary.com is where you can look up all the WH40k books in print.

 

caphias cain is a commisar in an awesome book series, plenty of reading there.

[firewind]

I have a small question. In your belief section, you say the marines are very hopeful. You also say that marines are punished for looking to far forward and being overconfident. The question is, doesn't having hope mean looking forward and being confident that things will turn out for the best? It almost seems like your marines are being punished for their one of their strengths.

 

Also, your spelling and grammar still need work. There is a lot of capitalization missing at the start of sentences.

[chapter master 454]

yea i know about the capitals but thats one of the more forgiveable sins, anyway the explaination for your question: basicly my marines do look forward but this is a fine edge to tread as if you look too far forward you won't see where your going. basicly any marine who thinks about the jump hes gonna make after the one he needs to make to reach it is what they punish, we look forward and look at what we have to jump. basicly a marine whose thinking about what to do when they reach an enemy wall is punished if he was doing that while just dropping in onto a battlefield miles away from any enemy fortafacation. do look ahead but if you look too far ahead you'll not see where your going and that is the road to damnation. hope that cleared up that problem. and before anyone argues over it, i don't think your planning on what your gonna do when you escape say a tomb with death trops? i think you first look at the fact you've still gotta get out. right now to see if i can get some more paragraphs sorted out. and by the emperor yous are nit-picky about grammar and spelling considering this is the internet, but then again it is a pain to find out your reading the same line twice so i can understand fully. oh well, as i say: moving onwards, forwards but never backwards.

[firewind]

OK, I think I get it now.

 

The only thing is, do the captains/chapter master follow these same beliefs? I can see some interesting tactical situations coming from this if they don't plan far enough ahead. I suppose the presence of a fleet in orbit would allow them to quickly bring in reinforcements if needed.

 

by the emperor yous are nit-picky about grammar and spelling considering this is the internet

 

sorry, that's just how I am. I even get worried about overusing commas when I text message people :tu:

[chapter master 454]

yes they follow the same beliefs and so plan for the battle thats coming and not the one that might not or might. basicly they think a step in advance but never two (however i can see someone gonna pick at this)

[chapter master 454]

right, just gave my chapter a major overhaul as i did find stuff was starting to clash so badly it was falling apart if not already. i have basicly re-written every section and gave it paragraphs to ease up on the eyes which i admit nearly killed myself when i read it so i understand now (if chaos thinks it sends people mad, talk to me. i'll give you the mega paragraph!). anyway enjoy the much more sensible 454 guard and not the half baked marines they used to be.

[Brother Captain Andrecus]

yea i know about the capitals but thats one of the more forgiveable sins

 

Actually... It's not.

 

The reason for capitalization is a simple one. If you capitalize, people will be able to see where one sentence ends and another begins. The way you have it now, it looks like your sentences are just one big run-on... Capitalization is fine in most places, but there are a few where it sortof dies...

 

Sorry to pick nits, but it's kinda important.

[chapter master 454]

EDIT: Next time make use of the FIND MY TOPICS option in your user controls if you think you have lost a thread. I.E. search harder. Threads merged -- Kurgan

 

Ok, 454 guard is my chapter and their fluff is currently more like sandpaper against your private parts and lets be honest no amount of power armour helps against that. I have a more rigid form now for my chapter and it's master so I'm going to run a few things past here and see if I don't get the bolters for it.

 

1. chapter master 454 is a cursed leader. heralding from a world now purged that was chaos worshippers he was the only faithful to the emperor there dispite all the corpse god propoganda and hated his lfe there and countiously railed against the chaos gods only to be punished heavily. He contiuned this until he was aged roughly 13 terra years and was subjected to the leading family of the planet to be given the ritual as portants in the stars said he would rise to be a great warrior. He had the marks of the 4 gods burned into his face brutally, after waking from the pain he grabbed the branding iron and set about the head family with vengance. About a week later the high lords had ordered the planet to be reclaimed however the inquistor who arrived found the population running from a faith frenzied boy who could no longer even remember who he was. The inquistor decided that he would take the boy away and see if the high lords would approve of this child into a new chapter being made, while his age was a little older than what they liked they allowed it. The chapter was oringally called the 'space guardians' however after a century not only had 454 (the 454th marine in the chapter and his new name previously just referred to as 'boy') proven loyal to the emperor but a great tactician and a very powerful warrior and had risen to the veteran company rapidly and to the surprise of many the captain of it. 150 years after the chapters beginnings it suffered a terrible loss, their chapter master was killed by chaos and the battle being fought would of been lost if 454 hadn't stepped over the master body and demanded them to fight for vengances. The success found him put into chapter master rank and he quickly set about seeing the chapter become stronger.

 

2. the chapter was morale wise weaker than normal marines due to lack of ceremonies and rituals but this changed with 454. He re-armed, re-trained and re-educated the chapter in a stronger more determined force within 250 years. Renaming the chapter to his own name 'the 454 guard', the name stating they would defend their leader and icon of determination. (this is the shortest bit)

 

3. after a millenia of service (they were founded sometime shortly after the apotasy) two traits showed in the chapter, unique swords and their chapter master just not dying. On several cases hehas been seen taking mortal wounds but has always returned to the field. Some say the oringal 454 has long since died and others have covertly become the new chapter master to stop any morale loss however the fact is he has been cursed since his 300th year of service during a titanic battle with a daemon prince in which he was 'gifted' along with his chapter unique swords that granted them great strength and most noted that they are sentiant but not hostile to the user. Most blades just reply 'I'm par of you' however this information regardless has been kept secret and in some reports dispite the hidden knowledge that these swords transform into stronger weapons with unique powers coupled to them. The chapter master however is most certainly the same since his rise to the rank and since then has been hit by lascannon shots to his lower torso, heavy bolter sprays severing both his arms and crushing his chest and concussing him, but no matter what he is returned to the apothacaries who work sleeplessly for months and the end result is a chapter master who walks like he did as he always had. Some call biotech heresy while others call skilled apothacaries and great banks of resources.

(past all the crazy stuff now onto more reasonable things)

 

4.The 454 guard have never ever backed down ever since 454 lead them, they have become near fearless. This often means high losses but thier victories often speak for themselves. Another tactic is their lightning hawks, modified thunderhawks that can bring tanks into the combat zones as rapidly as drop pods bring in infantry, this means their attacks are far more potent than other chapters. Their armour count also numbers slightly higher than normal so they have a slight lean on tank usage.

 

5.They are devided into 4 grand companies instead of 10 companies. This has always been, in total they have 5 grand cruisers that can house the 4 companies and the last being the warforge that stores most of the armour and produces the vast amounts of armaments for the chapter. These cruisers equal a small fleet in firepower on their own and with a fully equiped company on board could easily cause damage to even a large fleet. However to ensure the imperium knows of their loyalty each cruiser has a self destruct that Auto detonate upon 3 things: inquistor confirming corruption, high lords agreeing on it and chapter master 454. If all 3 are filled then all their warp drives go critical and detonate, destroying the chapter. So far only one has filled at any one time and thats mostly the inquistors.

 

6. Do you think I'm more bonkers than grotsnik on a full moon?!

[Guest Mordray]

Not too fond of the chapter being so weak because of a lack of 'religion'... Why were they so weak because of their lacking rituals and ceremonies?

 

Also as it stands now this chapter fails to stand on it's own, it is little more then a supporting caste for your chapter master... which brings me to the next part...

 

Just how is it that 454 know's of the Emperor on a chaos world? Even more importantly why isn't he killed? I sort of understand the destined for greatness bit and them wanting his greatness to be in their favor but I can't help but feel as though they were too forgiving... running from a child? seriously? One bloody child? They expect the Gods favor while running from a single child?

 

Why was he so worthy? Why was the chapter so weak? They also appear to be easy to manipulate... not a good trait for marines.

[Apothete]

First and foremost, you'd do well to slow down, spend more time on your writing, run the results through spell checking, and then go back over it to clarify the points where machines don't do well with interpreting human idiom. If you don't take your communication seriously then there's no reason for anyone else to do so either.

 

I would also strongly recommend that you read the board's Guide to DIYing and research some of the things that you're claiming in this version of your Chapter, since you quite blithely violate a number of the conventions that are typically held here.

 

chapter master 454 is a cursed leader. heralding from a world now purged that was chaos worshippers he was the only faithful to the emperor there dispite all the corpse god propoganda and hated his lfe there and countiously railed against the chaos gods only to be punished heavily. He contiuned this until he was aged roughly 13 terra years and was subjected to the leading family of the planet to be given the ritual as portants in the stars said he would rise to be a great warrior. He had the marks of the 4 gods burned into his face brutally, after waking from the pain he grabbed the branding iron and set about the head family with vengance. About a week later the high lords had ordered the planet to be reclaimed however the inquistor who arrived found the population running from a faith frenzied boy who could no longer even remember who he was.

 

Why would such a boy even be allowed to live when he so openly hates the world around him and would likely have lashed out even before the incident? It's not as if the Ruinous Powers and their servants are blind or stupid, and I doubt that the ruling family would allow him to live under anything but conditions designed explicitly to break him if there were such powerful portents surrounding him. This is the beginning of the problem that this writeup has with dipping its toes into what I call MISS (Me, I'm So Super) Syndrome, where the major dramatic points hinge not on something that's inherently interesting but rather on how awesome, powerful, or superior the Chapter is.

 

To continue enumerating issues, you don't in any way explain how or why the Inquisition came to the decision to not only save the boy but to return him to Imperial space. Without an overriding reason to believe that this chaos-branded youth is something other than one of the notoriously untruthful minions of his dark gods, they would likely have killed him on the spot. You don't tell us why he's so terrifying to the populace or why, in a society where might is often more valued than anything else, some aspiring successor to the former ruler's throne hasn't just eradicted him in order to tie up loose ends in the time since he murdered his tormentors. There's also no indication as to why the High Lords would care so much about a single planet, especially since they're busy fighting to protect the borders of the Imperium from a multitude of threats that are fairly pressing.

 

Stylistically, it's a cheap mechanic that rips off the One True King trope without any exposition or justification that in any way makes it stand out. The timing of the rescue is too convenient and involves the intervention of huge and often uncaring forces, which you also don't explain.

 

The inquistor decided that he would take the boy away and see if the high lords would approve of this child into a new chapter being made, while his age was a little older than what they liked they allowed it. The chapter was oringally called the 'space guardians' however after a century not only had 454 (the 454th marine in the chapter and his new name previously just referred to as 'boy') proven loyal to the emperor but a great tactician and a very powerful warrior and had risen to the veteran company rapidly and to the surprise of many the captain of it.

 

So an Inquisitor not only spares this boy's life, he asks for someone who has been tortured and reared on what amounts to a daemon world to be included in the notoriously independent, ferocious, and incredibly powerful force that would be an Astartes Chapter? What possible justification would there be for that? The Imperium of Man is not in the business of recompence and pity for the downtrodden, who should be glad of the chance to give their lives and their suffering to ensure the survival of the species.

 

You're also setting up for one of the conventions that we tend to frown upon, since giving your Chapter a name which they have later thrown out is something which would take a huge and overwhelming reason to justify. This is tying into the problems you have with MISS once again, and it falls into the trap that many people seem to have trouble avoiding, which is to say that you're basing the whole Chapter upon a single figure. That's compounded by the fact that your central figure is an outsider and, to be honest, seeming especially Mary Sue since his name matches your forum handle. There's no reason that he could not be given a name by the Inquisitor who found him or by the Chapter he would be added to, even assuming that you manage to explain away the other issues.

 

150 years after the chapters beginnings it suffered a terrible loss, their chapter master was killed by chaos and the battle being fought would of been lost if 454 hadn't stepped over the master body and demanded them to fight for vengances. The success found him put into chapter master rank and he quickly set about seeing the chapter become stronger.

 

How did he make them stronger? What did he do, how did it influence their beliefs, and where was the resistance to someone changing their traditions? The Astartes are not generally known for sweeping alterations to their doctrines and rituals except in the cases of Renegade and Traitor forces. For that matter, you've not told us anything about their fundamental structure, what guides them in their existence, or how their practices and beliefs affect the way that they deal with the universe at large.

 

the chapter was morale wise weaker than normal marines due to lack of ceremonies and rituals but this changed with 454. He re-armed, re-trained and re-educated the chapter in a stronger more determined force within 250 years. Renaming the chapter to his own name 'the 454 guard', the name stating they would defend their leader and icon of determination. (this is the shortest bit)

 

How did they serve any length of time without any hints of ritual of their own, even if those same practices were lifted wholesale from whatever Chapter trained them in the first place? It's not as if Marines just jump out of a test tube fully formed and know how to fight, being packed like sardines into a Strike Cruiser and sent off to war without any hints of training from their forebears. There's also no hint of how this incredibly prescient, knowledgeable, and wise uber-warrior then went about improving the methods that would have been employed by the veterans of their formative training cadre. Once again, this is getting somewhat Mary Sue.

 

Even more baffingly, this Chapter then not only abandons what they do have in the way of pride and respect for their history in order to adopt the nameless-name of a boy that they refused to, well, name. Why?

 

after a millenia of service (they were founded sometime shortly after the apotasy) two traits showed in the chapter, unique swords and their chapter master just not dying. On several cases hehas been seen taking mortal wounds but has always returned to the field. Some say the oringal 454 has long since died and others have covertly become the new chapter master to stop any morale loss however the fact is he has been cursed since his 300th year of service during a titanic battle with a daemon prince in which he was 'gifted'

 

You don't state a Founding for the Chapter, but the Age of Apostasy happened over the course of the Thirty Fifth Millenium, which would mean that your Marines have to come from the Thirty Fourth. That also means that this battle with a daemon would have happened some five thousand years before the current time, thus making your Chapter Master older than Dante. That's pretty much a no-no, since he's explicitly named as the oldest non-interred, non-Primach Space Marine in the universe.

 

There's also the minor point that the death of a Chapter Master is less a cause for mourning than it is one of celebration, since he would have gone to join the Emperor in the battle at the end of time. You've also reinforced the issue that I have with his having come from a Chaos-held world, since his "gift" at the hands of a daemon would probably become noticable to an Inquisition that would be watching his every move after having taken him from his former home. Having an awful lot of inexplicable happenings doesn't mesh well with having also garnered the attention of His Most Holy Ordos, generally speaking.

 

along with his chapter unique swords that granted them great strength and most noted that they are sentiant but not hostile to the user. Most blades just reply 'I'm par of you' however this information regardless has been kept secret and in some reports dispite the hidden knowledge that these swords transform into stronger weapons with unique powers coupled to them.

 

So they're trafficking in daemon weapons? That's certainly how it's going to appear to outsiders if it ever comes to light that the Chapter believes that their swords are intelligent and speaking with them.

 

I would seriously rethink this angle.

 

The chapter master however is most certainly the same since his rise to the rank and since then has been hit by lascannon shots to his lower torso, heavy bolter sprays severing both his arms and crushing his chest and concussing him, but no matter what he is returned to the apothacaries who work sleeplessly for months and the end result is a chapter master who walks like he did as he always had. Some call biotech heresy while others call skilled apothacaries and great banks of resources.

 

I'll keep it short. This is, once again, getting into the MISS and Mary Sue issues.

 

The 454 guard have never ever backed down ever since 454 lead them, they have become near fearless. This often means high losses but thier victories often speak for themselves. Another tactic is their lightning hawks, modified thunderhawks that can bring tanks into the combat zones as rapidly as drop pods bring in infantry, this means their attacks are far more potent than other chapters. Their armour count also numbers slightly higher than normal so they have a slight lean on tank usage.

 

This either needs more development or it needs to be cut, since there's no Chapter that has ever pursued a policy of never backing down from a threat while also maintaining its survival. Not even the Grey Knights, who are as far above your Chapter as they would be above normal human beings, live through every engagement they fight. The Crimson Fists nearly perished entirely and the Astral Knights gave their lives to stop the World Engine. Why are you allowed to be better than they are? More importantly, how is your Chapter in any way "more potent" than anyone else? There are much older, more established, and more connected Chapters that have had veterans with longer experience, and it's presumptuous and tacky to claim that your Marines are better than everyone else.

 

Oh, and your "lightning hawks" sound a lot like Thunder Hawk Transport that the Astartes already use to deploy armor to their target's surface.

 

They are devided into 4 grand companies instead of 10 companies. This has always been, in total they have 5 grand cruisers that can house the 4 companies and the last being the warforge that stores most of the armour and produces the vast amounts of armaments for the chapter. These cruisers equal a small fleet in firepower on their own and with a fully equiped company on board could easily cause damage to even a large fleet.

 

Unless your Chapter predates the Horus Heresy, the odds of possessing anything other than Strike Cruisers, Battle Barges, and escorts are basically nill. The separation of power throughout the Imperial military is an intentional barrier to having any one figure claiming that sort of capability ever again, and having Astartes with Grand Cruisers is going to make everyone from the Ecclesiarchy and the Inquisition to the Departmento Munitorum and the Imperial Navy itchy. The design of ships employed by a Chapter are going to be entirely focused upon ground support and point defense of their own fleet, not on waging war upon other ships. Since you already have some overwhelming reasons for them to be suspicious of the Chapter to start with, that's probably not the best plan.

 

However to ensure the imperium knows of their loyalty each cruiser has a self destruct that Auto detonate upon 3 things: inquistor confirming corruption, high lords agreeing on it and chapter master 454. If all 3 are filled then all their warp drives go critical and detonate, destroying the chapter. So far only one has filled at any one time and thats mostly the inquistors.

 

The Inquisition wouldn't care about the gimmick self-destruct devices, especially since they're under the jurisdiction and protection of the very Chapter that would be the threat if such a thing needed to be used. All that would happen is that every single resource needed would be pulled in so that a successful purification crusade could be declared, your every ship hunted and gunned down so that the wreckage could be scoured with fire to ensure that no taint escapes.

 

Obedience is not guaranteed by toys, but by the vigilance, blood, and sacrifice of every man and woman in service to the Imperium. If your Chapter needed to die, then they would do what was needed to see that it happened.

[Argon]

chapter master 454 is a cursed leader. heralding from a world now purged that was chaos worshippers he was the only faithful to the emperor there dispite all the corpse god propoganda and hated his lfe there and countiously railed against the chaos gods only to be punished heavily. He contiuned this until he was aged roughly 13 terra years and was subjected to the leading family of the planet to be given the ritual as portants in the stars said he would rise to be a great warrior. He had the marks of the 4 gods burned into his face brutally, after waking from the pain he grabbed the branding iron and set about the head family with vengance. About a week later the high lords had ordered the planet to be reclaimed however the inquistor who arrived found the population running from a faith frenzied boy who could no longer even remember who he was.

 

Okay, I'm going to look at this from a heretic's point of view.

 

To put it simply, we would have killed him a long time ago. Anybody who doesn't accept the worship of the glorious Gods of Chaos is either killed on the spot or sacrificed. This applies even more so to a person who chooses to remain faithful to the Corpse Emperor of Man.

 

along with his chapter unique swords that granted them great strength and most noted that they are sentiant but not hostile to the user. Most blades just reply 'I'm par of you' however this information regardless has been kept secret and in some reports dispite the hidden knowledge that these swords transform into stronger weapons with unique powers coupled to them.

 

As a general rule: If the swords talk, they've got a daemon in them. If the swords are senitent, they're either xenotech or they've got a daemon in them. I doubt your friendly local inquisitor would appreciate either.

 

 

Let's see...what else is there...

 

Ah. Dropping armor from thunderhawks. That sounds pretty cool. It would most certainly be a problem to have a couple Predators or Land Raiders show up behind your lines, possibly even on top of a mob of Boyz/cadre of Fire Warriors/whatever.