antique_nova Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Hey if you read my last posts about 4-5 months ago you will notice that i ahve only doubled this although the black templars aren't included yet, they will be included at the end of theis chapter which is almost completed many a few hundred more words nothing more and nothing less. Anyway i'll let you get back to reading this one ( i havent completed spelling checks yet! feel free to comment on it to help me quicken the progress of it! ) and you will notice that two characters have no names yet, i would also like name suggestions for the governor and the captain. thanks antique_nova In the mist of a distant dark planet a grey storm eclipsed the remaining light and shadowed a misty fog, Damilicus a six foot human with nothing on him except a grey shirt, green trousers and worn out white shoes sets about working on the same shift as he had done for most of his life harvesting food for his local town, as another day drifts by on Dackta II. In the endless night, through a purple cloud a vessel drifts in outer space lazily drifting by the planet, the vessel becomes more noticeable as it moves closer and closer towards a cloud of dust as it illuminates the vessel and outlines the fine edges of the now visible frigate. It is said that the frigate was once a vessel commanded by the holiest of all Ultramarines, Roboute Guilliman, during an expedition into the Blood Angel’s homeworld Baal during the early stages of the Emperor’s great crusade. Deep down within the chambers of the space marine gladius class frigate, Unforgiving Mercy, in the stillness of space. Techmarine Ulra Julius works on a armour of a holy dreadnought, Dalious a once scout that he had served with during his trials to become an Ultramarine Initiate, applying sacred oils and prayers onto each piece of adamantine plate with the caress and love of a mother looking after a child and with the thought of comradeship. +++++ FLASH BACK +++++ A child cheering pushing his way through a crowd to see what is happening, FLASH, trying to breath while watching men storm into his room and hears shouting, then a body bursting out from his room as it writhes in the air mutating before his very eyes and then a loud noise +++++ FLASH BACK ENDED +++++ Space Marine: JULIUS!….Julius! A tall shadow runs towards the fallen techmarine and catches him as he falls, whilst moving his wrist onto his mouth piece in one fluid motion. Space Marine: TECH DOWN….TECH DOWN…..he’s fallen unconscious we need a librarian and apothecary Dalias Dalias was an apothecary a medic for the emperor’s most holy warrior and was gifted in the art of medicine, his main expertise however were focused towards sudden fits and unconscious behaviours the happened within a space marine, luckily it wouldn’t be one of the common cases of a space marine falling unconscious – demonic possession of a potential psyker or a fatal poison-, to be sure as he speaks to the mouth piece he instantly punches the alarm next to him. A voice floods his mind, the voice of his old sergeant, it pays to be prepared and to be caught off guard than unprepared and on guard. Just as the space marine turns he sees a dark shadow move, slither, flash, reappearing and dissolving into the background, and in an instance the room becomes quiet once more, realising that this could be a threat, the 7 foot veteran sergeant holsters his bolt pistol in one hand as the shadow drifts, the tip of his pistol demanding to expire the existence of any enemy of the Imperium, while laying down the techmarine in the other in one swift movement and begins to walk quietly to the corner of the room behind the dreadnought, quietly and unconsciously checking that his pistol is full and ready to fire he moves on careful not to disturb the empty dreadnought in repair, as he turns round with pistol in front he thumbs of the safety, the sergeant then begins to only to see darkness and nothing more. Just as he begins to turn his head he notices something, a tiny flash of white then nothing but darkness once again. While aboard the Unforgiving Mercy, the bridge has a calmer view on problems for now. Captain: “What’s are status navigator” Navigator: “We will be in the nebula clouds within 2 minutes unless evasive action is taken” Captain: “A nebula cloud? I had a report telling me that they were no hazards within this part of the sector, and on the map we have found no hazards or any enemy worlds to be retaken.” A shadow stalks the room gliding through the dark forms casted from those who watch the screens, from those who do the emperor’s bidding. Librarian: “Perhaps I may be able to provide an answer captain” Captain: “Continue brother librarian Lictus” Librarian Lictus: “During our entry to this sector most noticeably after the warp exit I detected a strong physic pulse deep within my thoughts and I managed to track its source on a near by planet. However, we were also alerted to several space marines with unknown physic potentials were affected as well, further information regarding this matter will be in your data pad when you arrive back to your headquarters captain.” An unwelcoming thought of doubt crawled upon the captain’s spine. +++++ I KNOW YOU, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT +++++ Librarian Lictus: “The fact this physic impulse is so strong, strong enough to devoid our minds for a moment and strong enough to influence the midns of the navigators and the fact that we have received no feed back from any of the navigator or astropath concerns me, the mere fact of something so powerful, existing without any updated knowledge of this sector may provide the mere glimpse of a chaos artifact that may attempt to corrupt our minds. However, the lesser physic developed individuals may be just as easily corrupted as one who has controlled his physic emotions and power, I would approach every planet with caution as I believe that this is some sort of game conjured by a organised and filthy sorcerer clan .I would not want to be the one that wastes time if this is a mere distraction for the real threat that is being clouded for the moment.” The captain spends a moment gathering his thoughts and shakes the voice that he just heard, while concentrating on what brother Lictus had just concluded with all his might, the librarian however notices this delay of response and decides to hide his interest. Captain: “Noted brother librarian, dismiss and make sure that the affect and unaffected are probed and given additional training and information regarding this incident, I feel that we should give more information to our brothers than that is needed so that they have additional knowledge about what we shall be facing.” Librarian: “Yes, captain Malexous” As he walks away he ponders on the captain’s response, with the interest of a child towards a bright light. +++++ YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, YOU KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING +++++ The ship alarm goes off and a sudden jolt shakes the entire ship, throwing the marines and anything else not bolted to the ship around with the exception of the astropaths and navigators “STATUS”, all the screens within the room suddenly appear fuzzy and only static is shown. The screens in front of the astropaths are screaming with static and the frigates hull shudders and holds together against the impact with an almighty screech, on the bridge however, all remains calm. Navigator: “Captain, we have lost all communication with all other personal within the ship’s ca……….” A large shadow suddenly appears out of one of the astropath’s screens and engulfs the astropath before disappearing, however before it can disappear it flickers and it’s speed is negotiated to flickers that crawl centimetre by centimetre every second, towards the other side of the room the years of constant training of the physic mind becomes instinct and fluid motions to the librarian as they are put into practice again as brother Lictus presses his hands to his head and his eyes focus on the shadow, like an eagle eyeing its feast, as a person breathes without knowing and as the greedy eye the prize, encases the shadow in a electrical storm as it illuminates the Ultramarine’s transfer mark on his shoulder pad. With each flicker of light that leaves the librarians forehead he leaves an imprint of his power on the ship. +++++ WHO ARE YOU++++ With each atom of the lighting protruding from his forehead he leaves a signature that the galaxy will never see again. +++++ WHAT ARE YOU ++++ Encasing the shadow in a force like field sizzling ball, the librarian pulls the shadow closer towards him and further away from the monitor. As the intentisty of the lighting increases the shadow doesn’t seem to notice that it is being pulled closer towards the librarian with every second that passes by, until with a sudden motion produced by the shadow throws the librarian into disarray, disappearing within a flash of light, as the shadow disappears into screen once again. As for the astropath, there is no trace of him, no trace of him within the room, no trace of him within the ship, no trace of him within the minds of the mortals and no trace of him with the time of humanity. +++++ I KNOW TIME, FOR I AM TIME +++++ We fight for the empire of man, the great crusade they call it, now where is our so called great crusade, half our military turned against and half the Adeptus abandoned us and gave the traitor enough bombs to destroy Holy Terra without the single loss of his men, so who should we trust? A Cadian shock trooper expressing his thoughts to his commissar while drunk, before he was found wanting. Minutes have passed, maybe hours or even days. However, the Captains knows that time does not pass that easily, quickly glancing around the room he notices that the astropaths are still regaining consciousness and some have yet to regain their consciousness, down the corridor footsteps can be heard as the Captain prepares for the incoming shadow, the Captain glances at his F.O.F radar and notices that it is actually one of his brothers, Veteran Culda, who is approaching the room. The captain relaxes his pistol arm; however he does not let it relax completely as he has many questions for the incoming marine and does not wished to be caught unprepared when the marine has failed so many protocols. Veteran Culda: Brother Captain, Brother -------, sorry to approach you in this way however all communications within the ships are disabled and the techmarines are encountering difficultes that are beyond their knowledge. Apart from communications the rest of the ship looks fine apart from the warpdrive, it appears to have been drained and there is no trace of any taint within or on the ship and the search teams are unable to find any dent that caused the ship to shake as it did. Captain -----: You have done well Brother Culda, what of the Brother Librarian Lictus? Veteran Culda: I am sorry, we have not contacted him yet and I did not see him as I made my way to the bridge, the guards also reported that they had not seen the Librarian leave the corridor leading here since he entered. Captain -----: Thank you, now get the ship back on course and plot co-ordinates for the nearest imperial held planet. The veteran quickly walks to the nearest console and with a few taps of his fingertips he hesitates then reports. Veteran Culda: The nearest Imperial planet is more than a few months away and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer, do you still wish to head there? ++++ There is static from the screens ++++ The screens suddenly crackle into life spitting out lighting, then return to displaying many runes and shapes once again, until it finally turns in the symbol of the imperial eagle and then a face, a dark face grizzled with scars with green eyes and dark brown hair that betray his emotions now and again. Governor Prime: Greetings, Ultramarines of Ultramar this is Governor Damilius Prime, we hope that you may assist us in our effort to reclaim this sector, in the event that you have no other events pursuing your interests, we await your response. Captain ----: Governor Damilius Prime this is Captain ---- of the 7th company of the Ultramarines chapter, we would be honoured to assist you in your mission, meet us as these co-ordinates and transfer any psykers that are on your ships to another ship and isolate it, you need to also remove all servicemen aboard that ship before transferring the psykers across, do you copy? The governor ponders over the unusual request for a second and then realises that a space marine should not be kept from an answer for too long and utters a quick response, Governor Prime: I copy Captain ---- who notices this pause due to his heightened senses responds, Captain -----: All will become clear soon enough Governor Prime. The governor doubts that it will become clear, never the less he is working with the Imperium’s greatest warriors the space marines not to mention on of the most famous the Ultramarines. After hours of planning and co-ordination of the Governor’s fleet, they arrive at the designated co-ordinates that Captain ----- had requested, at first they notice green spores floating around in large quantities however due to the vast amount of darkness they are only big enough to be seen by the keen eye. A few minutes later, there is only the stillness of the endless night and the floating forms of the green spores gliding left and right, the Governor starts to notice a dark dot approaching them, with twitching reflexes his head jerks towards the sensor screens, nothing there, it gets large with every passing moment, he orders them to start up the ships shields and engines and places his servicemen and comrades alike on high alert, nothing can prepare him for the next stage of his life, nothing can be formed in his mind when so many questions are needed to be answered, he quickly glances at the ships radar again and wonders why it hasn’t shown up on the screen and why not one of his crew members detected the ship, nothing seems right. Nothing is ever right it seems to him. Footsteps…… “Finally a person who can finally report to me on what is happening” or so the governor thinks. The uniformed personal walks towards the governor with the precision of elite, saluts the governor with the speed of a rifle and talks to the governor with the coldness of hatred. The figure moving in one motion moves behind the Governor and relieves him of his firearm and ploughs him to the ground. Governor Prime: What is the meaning of this heresy! Figure: The heresy is yours, if you weren’t in the interests of our Captain…. Governor Prime: Your captain? Captain -----? I demand you to release me at once I am a fa…….. Figure: I do not wish to be interrupted once more and I doubt that you and I alike would like to waste our Captain’s precious time, now move and don’t you dare make a move or you wish find that you will arrive at our Captain’s destination with less parts that original self than when you left here. Governor: You dare harm a loyal servant of the……! Figure: Enough! And with that comment the figure rotates Governor Prime around and to the governor’s dismay he sees not one face that he recognises within the 26 Imperial naval uniforms within the room he notices that they all look muscular, lean and deadly. The look of a space marine in training, - Inside the mind of the governor - “A space marine! Not one, but many, I’ve never seen one up close and yet I wish I hadn’t they have the ability to look like gods and yet their human their mortal!” The look of a powerful devotion to the Emperor and the look of hatred. Hatred, yes the governor had felt that once, when the inquisition razed his home world to the ground, for what purpose? To save ten million souls from one tyranid spore, one, they could have easily obliterated it and used flamers to stop the contamination, from that day onwards he swore to destroy those who destroyed his home world, yet he still had no idea who ordered the exterminartus of his home world, Jevias. No matter he would find him in the end. Why were these, humans, no there not human how can they be genetically altered to the very core and still be human, it does not matter there dead men anyway all space marines are dead men and yet I cannot think how I could praise them and how I could be in awe of their might and jealous of their pride their history the things they have done to help the Imperium and those who tossed their loyalties aside for their own twisted pleasure. The next thing the Governor notices is a sharp pain and then darkness. Aboard the quiet frigate of the Unforgiving mercy, a mist the constant drone of the astropaths and navigators, Captain ---- receives a transmission on the situation aboard the governors ship. Captain ----: And the situation? A response sends the captain pondering, until his train of thought is broken through a sudden outburst through his comm. Space Marine: Captain! We have noticed that not all the Imperial Guard ships that were first present when we contacted them are here, in fact the ship that you requested to hold psykers are completely empty as well, we have control of the situation for now, however. Realising this betrayal the captain barks a command in the tone of years of experience that only a commander can require, a tone that can only ever be required by the emperor's finest. Captain -----: Get the governor off that ship and disable the ships warp drives and offensive capabilities as you exit the vessel, if there any are complications there, we will have thunderhawks on standby in the event that you require escape pods to evacuate the vessel. Space Marine: As you wish Captain -----, Initiate Deliphas out. With that comment the navigator that was studying the ships radar signals alerts the captain of incoming ships near the surface of the planet Dakta II roughly 5 hours away. Navigator: Five vessels approaching, four Emperor class battleships and one battle barge, initiating protocol response. The captain rushes over to the navigator’s controls and looks at the radar himself. Captain -----: That’s an attacking formation, by the emperor, their Black Templar, what in the Emperor’s name are they thinking of. Navigator II: Milord we have detected a dense formation of heat signatures in the rear of our position, heated projectiles are heading our way now, impact in 1 minute and 10 seconds, unknown number of attacking vessels in their area of fired projectiles, no more than 10 however milord. Captain -----: Turn us around now, face the front of this ship with the incoming projectiles and fire the auto turrets on my command and ping that Templar fleet now, I want those ships commanders responding to me and telling me what are they doing in this sector! With a final word of prayer to the emperor the Navigators and astropaths increase the pace of their workrate, under normal conditions half of the astropaths would have passed out due to the vast number of individual messengers that were needed to be sent to all the imperial guard and space marine forces at the same time plus any planets within the region of this battle, however the captain had ensured that he needed the best navigators possible to conduct an expedition into this barren and almost life less sector, one with just enough inhabitants to fill half of Holy Terra and enough planets to place on each finger of one hand if not less. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 comments or constructive critism would be nice please? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1868624 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iago Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 comments or constructive critism would be nice please? The post has not been up for that long. Do not expect comments to be posted right away, sometimes it takes more that two hours. Patience is a virtue that is looked well upon. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1868679 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 comments or constructive critism would be nice please? The post has not been up for that long. Do not expect comments to be posted right away, sometimes it takes more that two hours. Patience is a virtue that is looked well upon. i had a previous post linking to this one about 4-5 months ago and the reason i expected comments right away is because it was already viewed by over a dozen people and none of them replied at all, unless they were viewed byb guests however i find that unlikeky as there were other members on at the time, i hope you understand my response. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1869590 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Hadafix Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I only really skimmed, but it seems good. I may have missed a few bits but why is there a libby and why are they Captain not Castelan? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1870255 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 The first chapter is primarily focused on the ultramarines, and i have just recently updated it after this comment please read in full!. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1872630 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItalicSquirrels Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Alright, look, I replied last time. I will be the first to admit that I was harsher than I needed to be, at times crossing the line between humorous and down-right mean. I apologize. Now, for your story - Pros: *You are exercising your imagination. *You fixed the first few paragraphs. Cons: *It is a requirement that you learn to write dialogue. Not just like a script (as yours is), but like almost every other fiction writer out there. For example: "But surely," said the Captain, "there must be some way to stop the enemy, Brother Librarian." The Librarian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "There is a way, yes," he replied. "But it has little chance of success and will cost many lives even in victory." There, that wasn't so hard. You can see the emotions, you can tell at least their basic feelings, and (most importantly) you can tell when someone is speaking. It also flows easier. Honestly, pick a book. Any work of fiction will do. Then get a notebook and preferred writing implement and take notes on how the characters interact. See what conventions are used for denoting when someone is talking and how to properly express yourself. The following links will probably be useful to you in general. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_grammar http://www.homepages.dsu.edu/JANKEJ/writing/tips.htm http://www.writingclasses.com/InformationPages/index.php/PageID/269 *You have got to round off your sentences. Don't be afraid to slap down a period and pick up fresh. For example: Just as the space marine turns he sees a dark shadow move, slither, flash, reappearing and dissolving into the background, and in an instance the room becomes quiet once more, realising that this could be a threat, the 7 foot veteran sergeant holsters his bolt pistol in one hand as the shadow drifts, the tip of his pistol demanding to expire the existence of any enemy of the Imperium, while laying down the techmarine in the other in one swift movement and begins to walk quietly to the corner of the room behind the dreadnought, quietly and unconsciously checking that his pistol is full and ready to fire he moves on careful not to disturb the empty dreadnought in repair, as he turns round with pistol in front he thumbs of the safety, the sergeant then begins to only to see darkness and nothing more. is way too long. Please allow me to try to correct this. There are also several words that I feel compelled to change. They will be marked in italics. The space marine turns as he sees a dark shadow move, slither, and flash, appearing and then dissolving into the background. In an instant the room becomes quiet once more. Realising that this could be a threat, the 7 foot veteran sergeant draws his bolt pistol. Using his free hand, he swiftly lays the unconcious techmarine on the deck and begins to walk quietly towards the corner of the room. He subconsiously checks to see that his weapon is full and ready to fire, treading carefully so as not to disturb the Dreadnaught being repaired. I'm having a hard time with the last part of the sentence, but you get the idea. I want to point out that the shadow never really seems to have disappeared the first time, so it can't reappear; an instant is the briefest moment of time (an instance is found in MMOs); to holster a gun is to put it away, while to draw it is to take it out; you cannot do anything unconsciously (you are not conscious and thus insensible), but something done subconsciously is done without willful thought; if a gun is ready to fire, the safety will be off. Period. That is pretty much part of the definition of "ready to fire". *The transition between the sergeant and the ship's bridge is still too abrupt. We really don't have any idea what the heck happened there, in any way, shape, or form. Did he pass out? Is there a demon there? The fact that we never return to the hold is also off-putting. We are left in permanent suspense, which kills a bit of the desire for the rest of the story. *See the above links for tips on grammar, spelling, and commonly confused words. You have a habit of mixing up your "there-their-they're". The first is location. "Put the boxes over there." The second is possessive. "I have their boxes." The third is a contraction. "They're (they are) just boxes, sir." To put it all together, we get "They're (they are) coming for their (possessive) boxes, which are over there (location)." It looks extremely unprofessional if little things like this show up in anything other than the roughest of drafts. *You don't seem to have had any editing done. Print this out and show it to your parents or a sibling. Tell them not to worry about any vocabulary, but to just critique it for clarity and grammar. Trust me, they're probably quite good at it, and will probably be flattered that you came to them for help. General thoughts and wrap-up To be blunt, I would not have put this story up at this point if I were you. It is still extremely raw and unfinished. Vast amounts of editing need to be done, almost to the point of a complete rebuild. Take a bit of time, print the whole thing out on paper (yes, paper), grab a red pen, and mark the hell out of it. It will hurt for a little bit, but you need to nitpick this thing to pieces. Make the page look like it's bleeding. Then go back, make the changes you've marked, and start from the top. Print the new edition out and mark the hell out of that one. If your pen doesn't run dry by the end of this, you haven't done enough editing. The story does possess merit, I'm not denying that. The problem is that it's buried underneath grammatical errors, poor spelling, and a lack of experience with writing. If you keep working on it, you will probably pull a pretty decent story out of this, though. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1875711 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aranan Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 comments or constructive critism would be nice please? 1) As ItalicSquirrels pointed out, you need to work on your sentence structure. Some of these run on sentences are monstrously long for no apparent reason. Long sentences have the problem of losing the readers midway through the thought since there is no handy stopping point to gather up his thoughts before moving onto the next sentence. 2) If you're having issues with remembering which they're/their/there to use, look at them this way: "There" is similar to "here" and both are used to describe locations of things. "They're" is a word divided into two pieces, just like "they are" is two words. "Their" is the only other one. Protip: Each of the words has "The" in it (this mostly helps with spelling "their"). 3.) Consider your word choices. The following phrase is a good example: "whilst moving his wrist onto his mouth piece in one fluid motion." a) The use of "whilst" somewhat depends on where you are. I understand it is more common to hear in conversation in England, but when heard or read in American conversations it tends to feel pretentious. Keep in mind that using fancy or archaic words just because they're different isn't a great idea. They tend to stick out like an Imperial Fist at a Dark Angels conference. b.) The phrase "moving his wrist onto his mouth piece" makes me picture a floppy marine string puppet resting his arm on the protruding mouth piece of his helmet. Try to use precise words instead of vague ones whenever you can. Change "moving" to "raising" or "lifting"--this lets the reader know where the arm was prior to the action and makes it seem less like the arm pops out of the warp and onto the marine's nose. Also, "onto" should probably be changed to "to" or "up to" unless marine helmets are issued special wrist rests these days. I'm also not sold on the idea of any space marines performing "fluid motions" in their power armor, but that's just a personal thing. I see power armor (and the Imperium in general) as clunky. 4) Dialogue! Again, ItalicSquirrels hit on this, but it's so important I'll say it again. If this is a short story, write it like one. Don't mix in script writing techniques with prose because it is jarring. If you're unsure about writing dialogue for whatever reason, just ask here. Here are a few basic rules for writing dialogue: a.) Use quotation marks to indicate someone is speaking. b.) Vary the use of "speaking verbs" used. Basically, don't limit yourself to "he said," "said the guy," etc. Consider words such as "bellowed," "shouted," "cried," "hissed," "growled," and anything else you find in a thesaurus (they're available online if you don't have a paper copy). c.) Start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. You're already doing this, so kudos to you. "This is how it should be done," Aranan advised Nova. "Vary where you place the speech tags. The first one I used was at the end of the first sentence," he explained, "while that one came in the middle of a sentence." Nova listened while Aranan continued, "And that tag was at the beginning of a sentence." Another tip: read what you write. If you don't already, proofread the stories before posting them for other people to read. If needed, read it aloud to see how the sentences flow (or in some cases, do not flow and then fix them). It is hard to imagine how a phrase like "now move and don’t you dare make a move" could be kept if you'd just re-read the work once to catch errors. If nothing else, you should attempt to cut your sentences down to reasonable lengths and work on writing dialogue in a dialogue format. Also, your marines need ++EDITTED TWICE++. I hear that makes everything better. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1875805 Share on other sites More sharing options...
jubei124 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 If nothing else, you should attempt to cut your sentences down to reasonable lengths and work on writing dialogue in a dialogue format. Also, your marines need ++Editted++. I hear that makes everything better. My eyes started to tear up I was laughing so hard. :tu: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1876366 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Alright, look, I replied last time. I will be the first to admit that I was harsher than I needed to be, at times crossing the line between humorous and down-right mean. I apologize. Apology accepted *The transition between the sergeant and the ship's bridge is still too abrupt. We really don't have any idea what the heck happened there, in any way, shape, or form. Did he pass out? Is there a demon there? The fact that we never return to the hold is also off-putting. We are left in permanent suspense, which kills a bit of the desire for the rest of the story. I guess i did, ill fix that *See the above links for tips on grammar, spelling, and commonly confused words. You have a habit of mixing up your "there-their-they're". The first is location. "Put the boxes over there." The second is possessive. "I have their boxes." The third is a contraction. "They're (they are) just boxes, sir." To put it all together, we get "They're (they are) coming for their (possessive) boxes, which are over there (location)." It looks extremely unprofessional if little things like this show up in anything other than the roughest of drafts. lol i havent had the time to proof read and all the normal things i would do i have only jsut drafted if with imagination not with english corrections yet *You don't seem to have had any editing done. Print this out and show it to your parents or a sibling. Tell them not to worry about any vocabulary, but to just critique it for clarity and grammar. Trust me, they're probably quite good at it, and will probably be flattered that you came to them for help. I just haven't had the time General thoughts and wrap-up To be blunt, I would not have put this story up at this point if I were you. It is still extremely raw and unfinished. Vast amounts of editing need to be done, almost to the point of a complete rebuild. Take a bit of time, print the whole thing out on paper (yes, paper), grab a red pen, and mark the hell out of it. It will hurt for a little bit, but you need to nitpick this thing to pieces. Make the page look like it's bleeding. Then go back, make the changes you've marked, and start from the top. Print the new edition out and mark the hell out of that one. If your pen doesn't run dry by the end of this, you haven't done enough editing. The story is extremely raw and unfinished The story does possess merit, I'm not denying that. The problem is that it's buried underneath grammatical errors, poor spelling, and a lack of experience with writing. If you keep working on it, you will probably pull a pretty decent story out of this, though. lol i want it published if all goes well it may take a year to complete at the rate i am going especially since i haven't had the time to correct the mistakes yet. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1877053 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aranan Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 To be blunt, you shouldn't share stories that you haven't at least proof read yourself. If someone is reading it and finds that there are so many mistakes just because you didn't "have time" or were too lazy to re-read the story yourself, why should they waste time reading it? That's like saying the story isn't good enough for the writer, so how could it be good enough for a reader? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1877095 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 To be blunt, you shouldn't share stories that you haven't at least proof read yourself. If someone is reading it and finds that there are so many mistakes just because you didn't "have time" or were too lazy to re-read the story yourself, why should they waste time reading it? That's like saying the story isn't good enough for the writer, so how could it be good enough for a reader? Aranan, please watch your tone. You haven't crossed the line yet, but you're treading close... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1877989 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 okay okay, whenever i post it again then i will put a specific heading warning read at your own peril ^^ or just say it has spelling mistakes and if you want to read it fine etc i will make it clearer that it is unfinished will that do ? i only put it on to have a look to see if people think the content is alright and not just the vast amount of mistakes that i have lefted, and i do think that the grammer is just as important as the content so i will apoligize for that, and von ritch dont you think you need to have a talk with the other mods to relax the rules i know what aranan said was kinda unnecessary, however dont you think that the rules are a little too tight? no offense just wanted to express that thought. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1878372 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItalicSquirrels Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 I think that was Aranan's point, though. Just copy-paste your story into Microsoft Word and let it make every correction that it wants to. Then you can post a little notice at the top of the story saying that you let Word have its way with your story, and people will just suggest smaller changes to make the sentences less clunky. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1878466 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 von ritch dont you think you need to have a talk with the other mods to relax the rules... dont you think that the rules are a little too tight? no offense just wanted to express that thought.thanks antique_nova Well, actually, the Mods don't set the rules, the Admins do. I happen to think they are just fine as they are. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/159408-update-on-my-black-templars-storyline/#findComment-1878478 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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