A Technical Error (Fluff)

[col.woods606]

A Technical Error

 

The Myrmidon nation was a prosperous one, benefiting greatly from the fertile, lush lands of the planet Phthiotis, which ensured that its people were always fed and contented. Most families enjoyed an isolated, primarily agricultural life in the countryside. The fathers and sons would work in the fields of their arable land whilst the wives and daughters stayed at home, preparing meals and maintaining their houses to help support the family, Farms were made to supply the state with various amounts of different crops, fruit, meat and other such products, but the quantities asked for were always reasonable and rarely was a household left without a plentiful supply of food.

 

Every firstborn son Myrmidon was conscripted to the military at the age of sixteen, and it was relatively unheard of for any family to object to this. This may seem odd, but to defend one’s nation was a courageous and honourable thing to do, and the Myrmidon armed forces did this with nobility and discipline. It was these very characteristics of Myrmidon warriors that made it such a wonderful recruitment world for the Black Templar, who maintained a Chapter Keep upon Phthiotis.

 

Achilles often thought back to the home he had left behind two centuries ago to serve humanity during these stressful times. As he lay on the cold, hard ground, he wondered for a brief moment whether his brothers were too thinking of their former homes, though he concluded that the loud explosion and their seemingly imminent doom would have made it hard for even a space marine to concentrate.

 

The incident would later be referred to as a “technical error”, but Achilles was there, and there was nothing “technical” about it, and that damned upstart Techmarine who called it such was informed of this very fact, yet refused to describe it as anything else. Achilles had dragged himself out of the wrecked drop pod, crawling over the crushed bodies encased in power armour that was destined to be their tomb. By the time he had struggled out, his ancient armour and tabard which had been so meticulously maintained was now stained with the blood and even the excrement of his fallen brethren.

 

Each one of his men in that drop pod had fought for the Imperium in life, giving themselves completely to humanity’s cause – yet here they were, mutilated and not for Dorn or the Emperor, for Achilles could see no alien, heretic or traitor responsible. Simply because of a “technical error” the honour and meaning in their deaths had been removed. He thanked the neophyte whom he had landed upon within the drop pod for his life but this feeling of gratitude was quickly replaced with white-hot anger. Anger felt towards some incompetent fool who should have made sure the drop pod wouldn’t fail in such a manner, anger felt towards the one neophyte who was screaming so enthusiastically after something had impaled him through the chest and anger felt towards the next enemy he would meet in combat as the lives of those space marines needed to be avenged to mean anything.

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------------

 

 

Obviously this little short story isn't finished, as I just wrote it and am too tired to continue (long day), so I figured I'd post it here for some constructive criticism on what I have so far. I know then ame "Achilles" isn't original blah blah blah but I like it and all the characters in my army (and there are loads O,o) have their names and for some even characters based on characters from the Iliad. Well..thnx for reading it if you did

 

I posted this in Liber Comniscor but I figured why not post it here and get even more advice etc from people who know BT better than anyone!

[Brother Hadafix]

Neat little bit of back ground, could easy go on to a full blown novel from there. Nice one

[Drac0]

Really nice, easy read.

At the end you just want to keep on reading to find out what will happen.

 

Kudos!

[Inq. Rok]

ye man thats cool... sequel ;)?????

[marine]

sounds great so far :lol:

 

so did a drop pod land on someone or what (doesn't explain fully, but that can be done later)

[jubei124]

I think you've done a good job so far and am anxious to read the rest of it.

 

so did a drop pod land on someone or what (doesn't explain fully, but that can be done later)

 

To me it read as if it didnt land correctly and got really messed up.

[Bonemarch]

Thus far I think it is interesting it reminds me of something an old friend of mine told me about. How in the Golf war a large amount of American deaths were caused by technical errors whether that was an intentional parallel or not I rather enjoyed it.

 

But onward to some feed back! (For the record I understand that this piece is just for fun and I strongly encourage any budding writer to continue. But these are a few things about the piece that I noticed.)

 

 

For the line "...As he lay on the cold, hard ground, he wondered for a brief moment whether his brothers were too thinking of their former homes."

I find error in this because how I read it he was in a drop pod, which he would be strapped in and seated. I would perhaps make mention of the vibrations in the pod as it was falling. But as the passage currently stands I got the image that he was outside laying down.

 

For the line " ...though he concluded that the loud explosion and their seemingly imminent doom would have made it hard for even a space marine to concentrate."

I would change that up a bit, how it is written it takes a very action packed/ traumatic event and makes it nonchalant. It's at these moments you really have to take the opportunity to grab your audience. I would go with something more along the lines of "The thought of home was lost as a sudden impact tore the drop pod asunder in a wash of flames. The screech of metal was drowned out by screams of agony as the walls twisted and gave way crushing metal and bone alike."

It's a bit rough and I fully encourage you to find the words you would prefer to use. But the point is to let the sudden crash be as much as a surprise to the reader as it is to the character.

 

For the line "...crawling over the crushed bodies encased in power armour that was destined to be their tomb." My problem with this is that how it's described, I wonder how he can tell that the bodies are crushed.

I would change it up to say something more along the lines. "He crawled over mounds of broken metal and the twisted forms of his Brothers. He knew with just a glance that no one, not even a space marine could have survived. Their power armor, which had served them as both a symbol of honor and as blessed protection from the enemies of the Imperium now lay shattered and crushed only to serve them as a tomb."

 

For the line "Each one of his men in that drop pod had fought for the Imperium in life, giving themselves completely to humanity’s cause – yet here they were, mutilated..."

I would end the sentence at mutilated and probably throw broken into the description as well. If you add to it that is your call but I would the sentence there because otherwise it runs on a bit.

I would go for something more along the lines of:

Each one of his men in that drop pod had fought for the Imperium in life, giving themselves completely to humanity’s cause – yet here they were, broken and mutilated. Not for Dorn or the Emperor, for Achilles could see no alien, heretic or traitor responsible. Simply what others would wave off as a “technical error” removing the meaning and honour from their death."

 

For the line "He thanked the neophyte whom he had landed upon within the drop pod for his life but this feeling of gratitude was quickly replaced with white-hot anger."

This I would tweek a bit because in my head I see it has him thanking a dead body and this might be me but, given the situation that sounds a little rude. I would change it to something along the lines of. "Have gave a silent prayer of thanks to the neophyte whom he had landed upon. For his sacrifice had granted Achilles life."

When writing you want to be careful not to bog yourself down with unnecessary words. You've already established that he was inside a drop pod so you don't need to repeat it again.

 

I would change out "white-hot anger" with "rage". Because right now it takes that carnal emotion and softens it and what you want is to get the reader riled up along with Achilles.

 

Also I was a bit confused at why he would be angry at a random neophyte who was fortunate to still be alive after the crash.

 

And I would take out the word "felt" any emotion he produces we already know he is feeling so it makes redundant and here is where you want to grab the reader and put him in Achilles shoes.

 

I really like how you touched upon the Righteous Zeal aspect of the Black Templars.

 

I would probably re-word the last passage to something along the lines of

"Rage towards the incompetent fool that should have made sure the drop pod wouldn’t fail in such a manner, rage towards the neophyte sullying his honor by screaming in pain so enthusiastically from the scraps of metal impaling him through the chest. He vowed to carry this rage and unleash it upon next enemy he meet in combat. So that the deaths of his fallen Brothers would have some meaning."

 

I hope you find some of this useful my little notes are a bit hasty and are far from perfect but, I hope it gives you some idea about the points I tried to touch upon. Anyway keep it up! And happy writing to you. I can't wait to read more about the adventures of Achilles.

[Marshal Rohr]

The characters name shoves a spear into the suspension of disbelief <_< . Also, the line about excrement is a bit much.

[Drac0]

For the line "...As he lay on the cold, hard ground, he wondered for a brief moment whether his brothers were too thinking of their former homes."

I find error in this because how I read it he was in a drop pod, which he would be strapped in and seated. I would perhaps make mention of the vibrations in the pod as it was falling. But as the passage currently stands I got the image that he was outside laying down.

 

Actually I picture the Drop Pod shattered to pieces from the impact and atmospheric damage from entering the planet at a wrong angle. Lots of burning debris all around. Marines which were previously strapped to their seats tossed from the force of the impact. thus the reason why they could/should be on the floor not on the drop pod per say.

 

To sum it all up, the drop pod is pretty much gone. Its now a giant puzzle. And some marines are still trapped under the debris or some larger parts of the pod while others are laying around on the floor. It makes sense to me. (its like being projected from a fast moving car which crashes into another, seat belts aren't 100% fail proof. Now multiply this impact by 1000 or so and imagine what would happen if your pod crashes after being shot from a ship which is in space into a planet. If the stabilizers don't work you'd turn into pulp with the impact).

[col.woods606]

Thnx for the replies everyone, especially..:

 

Thus far I think it is interesting it reminds me of something an old friend of mine told me about. How in the Golf war a large amount of American deaths were caused by technical errors whether that was an intentional parallel or not I rather enjoyed it.

 

But onward to some feed back! (For the record I understand that this piece is just for fun and I strongly encourage any budding writer to continue. But these are a few things about the piece that I noticed.)

 

 

For the line "...As he lay on the cold, hard ground, he wondered for a brief moment whether his brothers were too thinking of their former homes."

I find error in this because how I read it he was in a drop pod, which he would be strapped in and seated. I would perhaps make mention of the vibrations in the pod as it was falling. But as the passage currently stands I got the image that he was outside laying down.

 

For the line " ...though he concluded that the loud explosion and their seemingly imminent doom would have made it hard for even a space marine to concentrate."

I would change that up a bit, how it is written it takes a very action packed/ traumatic event and makes it nonchalant. It's at these moments you really have to take the opportunity to grab your audience. I would go with something more along the lines of "The thought of home was lost as a sudden impact tore the drop pod asunder in a wash of flames. The screech of metal was drowned out by screams of agony as the walls twisted and gave way crushing metal and bone alike."

It's a bit rough and I fully encourage you to find the words you would prefer to use. But the point is to let the sudden crash be as much as a surprise to the reader as it is to the character.

 

For the line "...crawling over the crushed bodies encased in power armour that was destined to be their tomb." My problem with this is that how it's described, I wonder how he can tell that the bodies are crushed.

I would change it up to say something more along the lines. "He crawled over mounds of broken metal and the twisted forms of his Brothers. He knew with just a glance that no one, not even a space marine could have survived. Their power armor, which had served them as both a symbol of honor and as blessed protection from the enemies of the Imperium now lay shattered and crushed only to serve them as a tomb."

 

For the line "Each one of his men in that drop pod had fought for the Imperium in life, giving themselves completely to humanity’s cause – yet here they were, mutilated..."

I would end the sentence at mutilated and probably throw broken into the description as well. If you add to it that is your call but I would the sentence there because otherwise it runs on a bit.

I would go for something more along the lines of:

Each one of his men in that drop pod had fought for the Imperium in life, giving themselves completely to humanity’s cause – yet here they were, broken and mutilated. Not for Dorn or the Emperor, for Achilles could see no alien, heretic or traitor responsible. Simply what others would wave off as a “technical error” removing the meaning and honour from their death."

 

For the line "He thanked the neophyte whom he had landed upon within the drop pod for his life but this feeling of gratitude was quickly replaced with white-hot anger."

This I would tweek a bit because in my head I see it has him thanking a dead body and this might be me but, given the situation that sounds a little rude. I would change it to something along the lines of. "Have gave a silent prayer of thanks to the neophyte whom he had landed upon. For his sacrifice had granted Achilles life."

When writing you want to be careful not to bog yourself down with unnecessary words. You've already established that he was inside a drop pod so you don't need to repeat it again.

 

I would change out "white-hot anger" with "rage". Because right now it takes that carnal emotion and softens it and what you want is to get the reader riled up along with Achilles.

 

Also I was a bit confused at why he would be angry at a random neophyte who was fortunate to still be alive after the crash.

 

And I would take out the word "felt" any emotion he produces we already know he is feeling so it makes redundant and here is where you want to grab the reader and put him in Achilles shoes.

 

I really like how you touched upon the Righteous Zeal aspect of the Black Templars.

 

I would probably re-word the last passage to something along the lines of

"Rage towards the incompetent fool that should have made sure the drop pod wouldn’t fail in such a manner, rage towards the neophyte sullying his honor by screaming in pain so enthusiastically from the scraps of metal impaling him through the chest. He vowed to carry this rage and unleash it upon next enemy he meet in combat. So that the deaths of his fallen Brothers would have some meaning."

 

I hope you find some of this useful my little notes are a bit hasty and are far from perfect but, I hope it gives you some idea about the points I tried to touch upon. Anyway keep it up! And happy writing to you. I can't wait to read more about the adventures of Achilles.

 

 

I think I'll go back to the drawing board and make some of those changes. I realize now that too much of the story was ambiguous and didn't convey what I wanted it to, partly due to miswording in places.

 

For the line "...As he lay on the cold, hard ground, he wondered for a brief moment whether his brothers were too thinking of their former homes."

I find error in this because how I read it he was in a drop pod, which he would be strapped in and seated. I would perhaps make mention of the vibrations in the pod as it was falling. But as the passage currently stands I got the image that he was outside laying down.

 

Actually I picture the Drop Pod shattered to pieces from the impact and atmospheric damage from entering the planet at a wrong angle. Lots of burning debris all around. Marines which were previously strapped to their seats tossed from the force of the impact. thus the reason why they could/should be on the floor not on the drop pod per say.

 

To sum it all up, the drop pod is pretty much gone. Its now a giant puzzle. And some marines are still trapped under the debris or some larger parts of the pod while others are laying around on the floor. It makes sense to me. (its like being projected from a fast moving car which crashes into another, seat belts aren't 100% fail proof. Now multiply this impact by 1000 or so and imagine what would happen if your pod crashes after being shot from a ship which is in space into a planet. If the stabilizers don't work you'd turn into pulp with the impact).

 

That's what I was going for, but because of the confusion over this I'm probably going to make it more clear.

 

 

Just so you know, this little story is just for my own fluff so I'm probably not going to be posting any sequels or anything like that. I only posted this one here because when I wrote it I was very tired so I figured that I could get some constructive criticism in hand by the time I sat down to review it. Cheers guys

[Bonemarch]

It's no problem at all woods glad I could be of some help. And remember rough drafts are suppose to be like this and seldom go unchanged. And over all I liked the concept of the short story and hope to see a few more from you. Happy writing!