fluff for my army

[nexus night]

hey everyone,

I decided that i really need some fluff behind my army. I was wondering what you think about this.

A cult leader is on his way to an abanded world just inside the eye of terror. The Ordos Hecterus is flowoing him. But he reaches the planet before them. On this planet he has psychically connected with a hive tyrant on a new tyranid battle force that is on it's way to cadia. The tyranids descend on the planet to meet this psycher but he has made a deal with slanesh so the tyanids will form into his army. The tryrinids morph into creatures of slanesh and have become extemely powerful. The psycher is given a sceptre, which will control the tryranids, by slanesh. The Ordos Hecterus calls in the help of the other Ordos since they all have a duty on the planet. A huge force of Grey Knights, Death watch space marines and sisters of battle descend on the planet to destroy the Tyranid scum! After a full month of fighting the inquistion has brought down most of the tryanids and taken down the rogue. They found his sceptre and keep it, deciding to give it to the ordos Hecterus for further investigation. But when the lord inquistitor asks to be picked up he is told that his wish cannot be granted and that they have been tainted by the warp because of the fact that they are so close ot the eye of terror. He tells the cannoness and the grand master what is happening and they decide the imperium itself is becoming corrupt. After a few days 5 tau war ships appear on planet. From one of the ships, Commander Farsight comes out and makes a deal with the inquisitor taht he will give them 3 of their ships in exchange for the sceptre. WIth no choice he agrees and loads up the army of 700 space marines, 4000 battle sisters and 2000 grey knights. After traveling for many months they come across an abananded moon that was a workshop during the dark age of technology. from this moon they abandon the tau ships and start manufactoring imperial warships, weapons and veichles. all of this came from schematics from they found meaning that they could create land raiders, bolters, exorcists and what ever else they need. They later find that Commander farsight reserected the tyranids and is using them to destroy the tau and imperium. Falling on their shoulders. the inquisitorial troops decide taht they must destroy this menace before it destroys everyhting else.

 

i would like feedback good, bad and ugly

[Grand Master Tyrak]

A huge force of Grey Knights, Death watch space marines and sisters of battle descend on the planet

 

A huge force works for the SoB, since they have the numbers, but the other two don't. The only time we've seen large numbers of Grey Knights is the Black Crusades and the 1st War for Armageddon. If you've got large numbers of Grey Knights running around, the question would arise "Why is this battle not up there with the conflicts I just listed?".

 

Same deal with Deathwatch. Even during the 3rd War for Armageddon, there were only two Deathwatch Kill-teams operating in the area. The Battle of Tarsis Ultra featured just one. They just don't have the numbers.

 

Now, if you were to reword it slightly so that it is a huge force of Sisters, supported by a contingent of Grey Knights and several Deathwatch Kill-teams, that would work.

 

He tells the cannoness and the grand master what is happening and they decide the imperium itself is becoming corrupt.

 

You mean a loss of faith. Uh uh. :) Doesn't work. These are the ultimate in fanaticism you are dealing with here.

 

WIth no choice he agrees and loads up the army of 700 space marines, 4000 battle sisters and 2000 grey knights.

 

This really doesn't work. The SoB numbers could work, but 2000 Grey Knights is 2/3rds of the entire Chapter. Seriously, even the Daemon Primarch Angron at the 1st War for Armageddon was faced by only 100 GKTs. If 2000 Grey Knights go off somewhere, you come back to find Abaddon has smashed through the Cadian Gate and the rest of the Imperium is a daemonic infested warp-hell. 50 would be a more realistic number, with 30 DWs (3 Kill-teams). Plus the note about faith and the alternative plot I'm adding at the bottom.

 

Corrupted Tyranids is a nice idea though, but don't go to the point where they are actual daemons. They should just be warp-mutated Tyranids, or less.

 

But when the lord inquistitor asks to be picked up he is told that his wish cannot be granted and that they have been tainted by the warp because of the fact that they are so close ot the eye of terror.

After a few days 5 tau war ships appear on planet. From one of the ships, Commander Farsight comes out

 

Tau and the EoT are on opposite sides of the galaxy, and Tau are incapable of true warp-travel to get over there.

Why not change the EoT to the Maelstrom, and add in this as an alternative:

The Inquisitor wants the sceptre. The GKs, SoBs and DW are saying no, you should destroy it. Inquisitor grabs sceptre and does a runner (elaboration needed) with his personal forces (ISTs, requisitioned IG, the like) to the galactic east, keeping supplied by managing to stay ahead of the message that his authority is void (perhaps one of the Chaos Gods is quietly easing his passage through the warp without the Inquisitor realising). The SoBs, DWs and GKs are chasing him (this clears up the highly controversial issue about faith). He ends up heading for sanctuary in the Tau Empre, but gets collared by the Farsight Enclaves Tau. Enters into some kind of mutual alliance for protection, then discovers Farsight is planning to betray him. Does another runner and vanishes from Imperial records.

 

This avoids any highly dodgy and controversial issues about corrupt GKs/SoBs/DWs, and means you don't end up killing off a named character (Farsight), but without your character having to die.

 

An alternative ending (if you want) is your character does a runner from Farsight, but runs smack bang into the pursuing Inquisition forces, and is killed. You can choose either. -_-

[Scout Sniper]

It all seems a bit OTT, there's far to many GK's and deathwatch, slaneesh wouldn't give so much power to a random psyker and the Tau couldn't get to the Eye of Terror if they tried. Plus the cannoness and Grand master wouldn't just decide the imperium is corrupt (blind faith). The only bit I like is the Chaos 'Nids like in one of the space wolf novels how they find Nurgle corrupted 'Nids in a hulk, however in that case the hive mind had been corrupted by chaos no human involvment.