IA: Night Scorpions

[gil galed]

This is a rough outline i have done for my chapter the Night Scorpions, I have somewhat borrowed from the format of Wolfbiter's Astral Hawks but hopefully they won't mind, nothing fluff wise just structure. :o

 

http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/2411/spacemarine.png

In 867.M39 seismic disturbances were registered all across the northern hemisphere of paethon. A small task force of scouts from the 8th wing, Lead by wing commander Atlas were sent on an exploratory mission to discover the causes of said disturbances. It was expected that little but natural causes would be found and as such only light weaponry was taken and the force consisted only of scouts, even Commander Atlas donning his old suit of ceramite.

 

Three weeks into their mission no further activity had been recorded however the tribes of the surrounding region were uneasy. Flayed bodies of animals were beginning to be found in the woods, huge natural predators that even the hardy population of the deathworlds feared. By the middle of the fourth week villages began to drop out of contact, the population suffering the same fate as the wild life the week before. At this point, fearing a xenos incursion Commander Atlas radioed in for help , the transmission was cut mid feed.

 

Responding quickly Chapter Master Elstonus Nestor summoned up the remainder of the 8th wing along with the 1st and 2nd wings, the only sections at full strength given the youth of the chapter and began deployment to the northern continent. As the thunderhawks swooped in to Atlas

Edited February 25, 2009 by gil galed

[gil galed]

editted out Edited February 25, 2009 by gil galed

[bjorn irongaze]

cool,well done a solid piece of work :D

[Wolfbiter]

Greetings, brother of the 25th founding! And no, I don't mind...I'm flattered you found my Librarium article worth reading. ^_^

 

I've only done a cursory read through your first draft, so here's just a couple of quick impressions. I will try to give it a more thorough review later:

 

Just overall (and this is not a bad thing necessarily) your first draft has a LOT of references in it. You mention several neighboring Chapters, the Necrons, the Orks, Chaos, the Inquisition...it's a lot for a reader to assimilate! I suggest on your second draft, look over your story and isolate 1-2 elements or details you REALLY want to keep, and cut others. For example, you mention several neighboring Space Marine Chapters near your homeworld, perhaps drop that to 1-2 at most. Instead of mentioning Orks, perhaps say they were founded to counter general Xenos incursions in their sector, and concentrate on the Necron appearance. (Which is nice and creepy, btw.)

 

Again, having lots of ideas to start off is not bad at all...just see if you can streamline it down for the next draft.

 

Second question I have is about the planet after the Necron battle. If the planet no longer spins, with one side facing the sun and one dark, wouldn't the jungle be burned off completely from the Sun Side? (since it never cools off). Perhaps the planet is one side boiling rock, one side artic, but there is a thin band of jungle and habitable zone along the terminator line between night and day?

Also, what happened to the native population after the Necron attack? Are they still around, or do the Scorpions recruit from elsewhere?

 

Last, very cool armor colors, very vivid. :) Did I see some of your models in the Painting and Modelling section previously?

[gil galed]

Just overall (and this is not a bad thing necessarily) your first draft has a LOT of references in it. You mention several neighboring Chapters, the Necrons, the Orks, Chaos, the Inquisition...it's a lot for a reader to assimilate! I suggest on your second draft, look over your story and isolate 1-2 elements or details you REALLY want to keep, and cut others. For example, you mention several neighboring Space Marine Chapters near your homeworld, perhaps drop that to 1-2 at most. Instead of mentioning Orks, perhaps say they were founded to counter general Xenos incursions in their sector, and concentrate on the Necron appearance. (Which is nice and creepy, btw.)

 

do you think it's a killer if none of it gets removed? i liked all my references B) , the space marines at the start are cursory and to ground it in gw cannon, indeed if you take what i have told you you can whip out the space marine map and probably find about where paethon would be. I agree that the orks can be cut, generally xenos is probably better. plus who doesn't love the =][= . May favorite necron reference was the non-overt fact that the chapter monastery is on an ancient temple.... on a necron world ... with folklore about a great creator god, bound to be some heresy eventually.

 

Second question I have is about the planet after the Necron battle. If the planet no longer spins, with one side facing the sun and one dark, wouldn't the jungle be burned off completely from the Sun Side? (since it never cools off). Perhaps the planet is one side boiling rock, one side artic, but there is a thin band of jungle and habitable zone along the terminator line between night and day?

Also, what happened to the native population after the Necron attack? Are they still around, or do the Scorpions recruit from elsewhere?

 

orginally it was going to be kind of barren one side and only on the terminator line that people lived but then i thought being a huge tropic jungle the chances are all that heat would just humidify it making it rain alot (like a rain forest) but i'm no biologist, it may be better to move the settlements to the rim and perhaps have the center to hot for anything but crazy plants or something...

 

...in regards to the natives only a few colonies on the dark side got taken out, the other side survived so they recruit solely from them

Last, very cool armor colors, very vivid. ;) Did I see some of your models in the Painting and Modelling section previously?

 

yeh the night scorpions have been knocking around for years, painted one up in 2005, just never got around to finalizing fluff etc. at Uni. atm but during easter hols i'm expecting to at least get a 10 man sternguard and an assault squad done to go to painting section.

 

 

edit:+++ i need to put in all the formatting in, i remember seeing a guide on this but cannot find it anymore, anyone know where it is?+++

Edited February 24, 2009 by gil galed

[Guest Mordray]

You'd need to move to the transition zone of the world...

 

Essentially your world is getting baked and frozen...

 

The sun side is going to be like a desert during a record setting heatwave that never goes away. The dark side will always be cold with the ice and snow a permanent sight... with star light being the best you could hope for. The only place that would be stable and habitable would be the rim zones along the transition between the light and dark sides...

 

Your problem is with this being a new thing. Your world's population is not going to be well versed in dealing with the consequences of such a life style change, also much of the ecology would be drastically changed. plant and animal life would be focused around the transition and would become sparser as one travels further from the transition zone.

 

In time, or admech intervention, the plant and animal life could well adapt toward your desired view but as it stands now at best your planet is dying.

[Wolfbiter]

@gil:

 

No worries...what you cut or keep is entirely up to you. If you really like something, by all means hang on to it and see how it works out.

 

By the way, I was reading my Space Marine Codex last night, browsed the homeworld page, and found the Reductus sector where you said Paethon was located. I really love that map. :)

 

When you do your next draft, once the paragraphs are broken up and formatted in a second draft, I think it will read more smoothly. Splitting long descriptions into two or more shorter sentences will help too.

 

I would certainly keep the part about the Necrons, because that's important to your background. But try it without the Ork references as you considered and see how it works.

 

Regarding Mordray's and your comments about the condition of the planet, post-Necron battle: Perhaps the Night Scorpions themselves used their Chapter's resources and technology to preserve part of the jungle? For example, the Marines building vast, climate-controlled zones to preserve swaths of the jungle side, along with the ecology and the natives they recruit from? THat might give a cool kind of interdependence between the marines and their homeworld....

 

...and if you feel like it, you could go sinister and drop hints like "No one knows where the Marines found the resources to build the life-supporting technology that preserves the jungle...but there was a lot of missing salvage from those Necron caverns...dum dum dummmm!!!" Or something like that. :)

 

Overall, it's still in the rough stages, but I'd say you're off to a good start.

[Aurelius Rex]

There is a lot to cover with this article, but for the moment I will start at the start. This thread caught my eye because my own DIY chapter, the Scions of Dorn (Check the link in my signature below) are Crimson Fist successors with a homeworld trapped between night and day. Don’t worry, I am not crying plagiarism or anything, just putting your ideas under the spotlight because in some cases they are ones I have really thought hard about when creating my own chapter. :)

 

Name

I am personally not a fan of the name on the basis that it takes two elements from other, more famous chapters… It makes me think of an unholy smooshing together of the Night Lords and the Red Scorpions rather than something original. I have the same problem with the Blood Ravens (Blood Angels and Raven Guard). Taking one characteristic name can work, (Blood Drinkers, Angels Sanguine, Angels of Absolution, Iron Champions etc) especially if it is partly a link to the progenitor chapter, but having both words do it makes me uneasy.

 

Necrons / Founding Date

If I remember correctly, the Necrons were not active in M39. They were hibernating and certainly not known by Imperial forces. Checking the timeline sticky might give more info on when you could viably use them as a known foe. In fact, on the founding date as there is very little info linking dates to foundings I would simply either give the date or the founding, and as you have other dates, it is safer to say they were founded in ‘late M39’ or whatever and never mention the exact founding. In fact, M39 is a quite long time ago, and might harm your ‘young chapter’ theme. Have you considered making them 26th founding, as it would kill several birds with one stone considering the Necrons would have been about then.

 

More feedback later…

[gil galed]

I am personally not a fan of the name on the basis that it takes two elements from other, more famous chapters… It makes me think of an unholy smooshing together of the Night Lords and the Red Scorpions rather than something original. I have the same problem with the Blood Ravens (Blood Angels and Raven Guard). Taking one characteristic name can work, (Blood Drinkers, Angels Sanguine, Angels of Absolution, Iron Champions etc) especially if it is partly a link to the progenitor chapter, but having both words do it makes me uneasy.

 

red scorpions are hardly a famous chapter though are they? indeed the night scorpions have existed (in some incarnation) since before forgeworld started doing red scorpions and i had never even heard of another scorpion chapter so they certainly aren't plagiarized in that sense, I take your point but ultimately they won't be getting a name change i've had them named that for to many years to change now <_< (plus Night i feel is to generic to immediately think night lords)

 

Necrons / Founding Date

If I remember correctly, the Necrons were not active in M39. They were hibernating and certainly not known by Imperial forces. Checking the timeline sticky might give more info on when you could viably use them as a known foe. In fact, on the founding date as there is very little info linking dates to foundings I would simply either give the date or the founding, and as you have other dates, it is safer to say they were founded in ‘late M39’ or whatever and never mention the exact founding. In fact, M39 is a quite long time ago, and might harm your ‘young chapter’ theme. Have you considered making them 26th founding, as it would kill several birds with one stone considering the Necrons would have been about then.

 

yeh i concede that, i had made the assumption (wrongly) that necrons had been around for a bit, clearly GW likes to keep things tight in M41, they really should just man up and move onto M42, moving them to 26th seems a bit excessive though, does it give them enough time to do stuff?

Edited February 24, 2009 by gil galed

[Aurelius Rex]

yeh i concede that, i had made the assumption (wrongly) that necrons had been around for a bit, clearly GW likes to keep things tight in M41, they really should just man up and move onto M42, moving them to 26th seems a bit excessive though, does it give them enough time to do stuff?

GW should definitely drop the lame 'two minutes to midnight' / millennial idea of having the clock permanently at 999.M41. When Rogue trader came out in the late eighties the 'date' was ~987.M41, (Rynn's World Incident / Battle at the Farm! The first scenario) moving forward each year, but then they stopped. It should indeed be 009.M42. <_<

 

Would it give them long enough? Well, it depends what they need to do. They could have achieved full strength, but not necessarily which might fit with your theme nicely. There are certainly workable 26th founding chapters out there, and it might give you more scope for the Necron storyline too.

[kil78]

plus the 13 black crusade is still on going

[Aurelius Rex]

OK, more...

Organisation

I think it needs to be firmly compellingly established why, if they are of Crimson Fist parentage, they have taken such a radically different organisation. Also, why choose 'wings' as your name for 'companies'? I wrote this a few days ago in response to CantonWC's Dark Swords IA if you will permit the cut'n'paste...

Having seen lots of DIY chapters here in Liber I am of the opinion that the larger the deviation from the parent chapter's organisation, the more convincing the rationale must be. A lot of chapters throw in a wide organisational deviation in the absence of having anything else to say, and with no other connection to the chapter's theme. It is always worth considering where the trade-off or downside of their deviations would be - if there was no down-side then all chapters would be doing it.

So to me, the deviation from the parent chapter is pretty big, and - at the moment - there doesn't seem to be any compelling reason for the change. That is not to say 'don't do it!', but if you decide to go with this variant organisation, then you will really need to come up with a solid, well thought-out rationale to properly sell it beyond 'Just because!' :) To me, the organisation seems more in line with the Black Templars than the Crimson Fists at the moment.

 

You also mention that Wing lieutenant Aeolus killed the daemon with his force sword. This would mean that he was a librarian / psychic. Is Wing lieutenant a variant name for a librarian in the chapter?

 

Gene-seed

The Dorn geneseed seems to be missing the Betcher's gland and Sus-An membrane across the board... Black Templars, Crimson Fists and Imperial Fists all say it is missing, so if you are going to use Dorn geneseed then that will need reviewing. That doesn't stop them having extra missing / mutated implants, of course, but gaining them back is more of a stretch.

 

Homeworld

The Day/night side planet idea has been done a number of times in different ways. GW has Mordian, the IG world, and both my Scions of Dorn's Mycenae and independently, Commissar Molotov's Castigator homeworld. Of course that doesn't mean you can't do it 'because we got there first', more that there may be a way to do it with a nice spin to keep it fresh... For instance, one thing I considered was having the day-night point not perfectly balanced, and that it swings very slowly around the planet turning ice to fire with the grinding dawn. The occupants (and any flora and fauna that wants to survive) either have to adapt to the extreme conditions, or to keep moving ahead of them. :)

 

 

Those are the main points covered. There are others about grammar and typos which would be picked up by proof-reading, and others like 'modus operandi' instead of 'operai memorandum', 'Primarch Rogal Dorn' rather than 'Patriarch Regal Dorn' (unless that is intentional), 'Abaddon' rather than Abadon', 'sought' (as in to search) rather than 'sort', and 'rapport' rather than 'rap our'. Also, describing the jungle as 'luscious'/'lushious'(sp) sounds odd and a bit out of context with jungle, especially if you make the day side parched, which admittedly need not be the case... It is also rather over-used at present.

 

+++Edit:

red scorpions are hardly a famous chapter though are they? indeed the night scorpions have existed (in some incarnation) since before forgeworld started doing red scorpions and i had never even heard of another scorpion chapter so they certainly aren't plagiarized in that sense, I take your point but ultimately they won't be getting a name change i've had them named that for to many years to change now (plus Night i feel is to generic to immediately think night lords)

I can understand you being attached to the name, especially if you have used it for years. The Red Scorpions have been about since Rogue Trader - the Badab war article in White Dwarf 99 or so, and have got mentions since in Imperial Armour books and as you say, the Forge World models. To me, the Scorpions name in the Astartes is inherently linked to the Red Scorpions.' As for Night, is it generic? The only Astartes I can think of off the top of my head are the Night Lords, and as a first founder are very prominent. The other thing is why would you choose a name that you would think is generic, with it's associations with bland and nondescript in any case? surely 'original' trumps 'generic in the creative writing stakes, which is what an IA is? :wink: +++

 

 

OK, that is plenty to be going on with, I think. Hope it helps. :)

Edited February 24, 2009 by Aurelius Rex

[gil galed]

OK, more...

Organisation

I think it needs to be firmly compellingly established why, if they are of Crimson Fist parentage, they have taken such a radically different organisation. Also, why choose 'wings' as your name for 'companies'? I wrote this a few days ago in response to CantonWC's Dark Swords IA if you will permit the cut'n'paste...

Having seen lots of DIY chapters here in Liber I am of the opinion that the larger the deviation from the parent chapter's organisation, the more convincing the rationale must be. A lot of chapters throw in a wide organisational deviation in the absence of having anything else to say, and with no other connection to the chapter's theme. It is always worth considering where the trade-off or downside of their deviations would be - if there was no down-side then all chapters would be doing it.

So to me, the deviation from the parent chapter is pretty big, and - at the moment - there doesn't seem to be any compelling reason for the change. That is not to say 'don't do it!', but if you decide to go with this variant organisation, then you will really need to come up with a solid, well thought-out rationale to properly sell it beyond 'Just because!' :) To me, the organisation seems more in line with the Black Templars than the Crimson Fists at the moment.

 

You also mention that Wing lieutenant Aeolus killed the daemon with his force sword. This would mean that he was a librarian / psychic. Is Wing lieutenant a variant name for a librarian in the chapter?

 

Gene-seed

The Dorn geneseed seems to be missing the Betcher's gland and Sus-An membrane across the board... Black Templars, Crimson Fists and Imperial Fists all say it is missing, so if you are going to use Dorn geneseed then that will need reviewing. That doesn't stop them having extra missing / mutated implants, of course, but gaining them back is more of a stretch.

 

 

They are fighting in wings because they had to adapt into formations that could effectively combat the necron force and stayed in it after, i'll sure up the reasoning though. In regards to librarian i was going for Wing Captain = Company Captain then wing lt's are the chaplain and the librarian of the wing, or thats what i was thinking so far, if not that simply that a Wing Lt. is just somebody important and can be any major player in the wing.

 

In regards to geneseed yes i will get rid of the dorn geneseed stuff.

 

OK, more...

Homeworld

The Day/night side planet idea has been done a number of times in different ways. GW has Mordian, the IG world, and both my Scions of Dorn's Mycenae and independently, Commissar Molotov's Castigator homeworld. Of course that doesn't mean you can't do it 'because we got there first', more that there may be a way to do it with a nice spin to keep it fresh... For instance, one thing I considered was having the day-night point not perfectly balanced, and that it swings very slowly around the planet turning ice to fire with the grinding dawn. The occupants (and any flora and fauna that wants to survive) either have to adapt to the extreme conditions, or to keep moving ahead of them. :)

 

 

+++Edit:

red scorpions are hardly a famous chapter though are they? indeed the night scorpions have existed (in some incarnation) since before forgeworld started doing red scorpions and i had never even heard of another scorpion chapter so they certainly aren't plagiarized in that sense, I take your point but ultimately they won't be getting a name change i've had them named that for to many years to change now (plus Night i feel is to generic to immediately think night lords)

I can understand you being attached to the name, especially if you have used it for years. The Red Scorpions have been about since Rogue Trader - the Badab war article in White Dwarf 99 or so, and have got mentions since in Imperial Armour books and as you say, the Forge World models. To me, the Scorpions name in the Astartes is inherently linked to the Red Scorpions.' As for Night, is it generic? The only Astartes I can think of off the top of my head are the Night Lords, and as a first founder are very prominent. The other thing is why would you choose a name that you would think is generic, with it's associations with bland and nondescript in any case? surely 'original' trumps 'generic in the creative writing stakes, which is what an IA is? :) +++

 

i think in regards to the homeworld it will just be getting parched in the centre with the populace moving towards the light/dark area, while i like the idea of a small turn i think it will kill the whole winter specialist thing if they have to spend tons of time in the desert.

 

I get your point on the name but I you know what i meant, either way while i'll take cc for most things i don't think they will be getting a rename, named night scorpions after the big evil nocturnal scorpions of the planet, i think its fair :devil:

[Aurelius Rex]

They are fighting in wings because they had to adapt into formations that could effectively combat the necron force and stayed in it after, i'll sure up the reasoning though.

It would have to explain exactly how the wing organisation is different, and better for their particular needs, than the company organisation structure. The company structure can be pretty fluid and adaptable to the quirks of your own chapter's combat doctrine, and at the moment it sounds like they have simply renamed 'company' to 'wing'. If it is a matter of needing to have self-contained companies each with veterans and scouts, then that fits in more with the kind of organisational structure of the Iron Hands, Black Templars or the White Scars - it may be worth considering if one of those chapters could be the parent rather than the Crimson Fists as they seem to be a better fit, especially as the Night Scorpions also seem to have the wing / wing commander structure firmly in place before the Necrons attacked.

[gil galed]

They are fighting in wings because they had to adapt into formations that could effectively combat the necron force and stayed in it after, i'll sure up the reasoning though.

It would have to explain exactly how the wing organisation is different, and better for their particular needs, than the company organisation structure. The company structure can be pretty fluid and adaptable to the quirks of your own chapter's combat doctrine, and at the moment it sounds like they have simply renamed 'company' to 'wing'. If it is a matter of needing to have self-contained companies each with veterans and scouts, then that fits in more with the kind of organisational structure of the Iron Hands, Black Templars or the White Scars - it may be worth considering if one of those chapters could be the parent rather than the Crimson Fists as they seem to be a better fit, especially as the Night Scorpions also seem to have the wing / wing commander structure firmly in place before the Necrons attacked.

 

i'm quite happy to rework it so that they went for companies pre-necron and wing-ed up during the attack, alternatively considering BT's are dorn geneseed anyway being their children would presumably still allow for a friendly relationship with the crimson fists, which might be better