antique_nova Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 There still might be errors in here that i ahve missed, please feel free to make suggestions or even comment on the title that i chose :). The Forgotten Ages Of The Templars Chapter one[/center]We are the angels of death and death is what we shall bring! For the chapter, the primarch and the Emperor! The end of a reclusiarch Gakiius's prayer before the battle of Jalivius In the mist of a distant dark planet, a grey storm eclipses the remaining light as it was cutting through the lifeless and barren like wastelands of the planet Dackta II, as the abattoirs flowed with the fresh blood of the evenings slaughter and the buildings to the east of the planet are shadowed by a growing misty fog. Damilius, a six foot human with nothing on him except a filthy ragged grey shirt, patchy green trousers and worn out white shoes sets about working on the same shift as his father had and the father before him harvesting food for his local town, Miliscous, as another day drifts by on Dackta II. Above the workplace in the endless night, through a purple cloud, a vessel drifts by in outer space. Lazily drifting by the planet, the vessel becomes more noticeable as it moves closer and closer towards a cloud of dust as it illuminates the vessel and outlining the fine edges of the now visible frigate.Then a swarm of greenish vapour closes in on the set as it drifts closer and closer towards the frigate, until the vapour completely envelopes the vessel and then dispersese leaving nothing behind except the stillness of the unending darkness of death. It is said that the frigate was once a vessel commanded by the holiest of all Ultramarines, Roboute Guilliman, during an expedition into the Blood Angel’s homeworld Baal during the early stages of the Emperor’s great crusade. Deep down within the chambers of the space marine gladius class frigate, Unforgiving Mercy, in the stillness of space. Techmarine Ulra Julius works on the armour of a holy dreadnought, Dalious had once been a scout that Julius had served with during his trials to become an Ultramarine Initiate, when they were just young neophytes, applying sacred oils and prayers onto each piece of adamantine plate with the caress and love of a mother looking after a child, with the thought of comradeship. +++++ FLASH BACK +++++ A child cheering pushing his way through a crowd to see what is happening, FLASH, trying to breath while watching men storm into his room and hears shouting, then a body bursting out from his room as it writhes in the air mutating before his very eyes and then a loud noise +++++ FLASH BACK ENDED +++++ Space Marine: JULIUS!….Julius! A tall shadow runs towards the fallen techmarine and catches him as he falls, moving his wrist onto his mouth piece in one fluid motion. Space Marine: This is sergeant Neil, reporting, TECH DOWN….TECH DOWN…..he’s fallen unconscious we need a librarian and apothecary Dalias! Dalias was an apothecary a medic for the emperor’s most holy warrior and was gifted in the art of medicine, his main expertise however were layed towards sudden fits and unconscious behaviours that happened within a space marine, luckily it wouldn’t be one of the common cases of a space marine falling unconscious – demonic possession of a potential psyker or a fatal poison-. As the space marine spoke into the mouth piece he instinctively punches the alarm next to him. A voice floods his mind, the voice of his old sergeant, “it pays to be prepared and to be caught off guard than unprepared and on guard” Those words had served Sergeant Neil well during his 200 years of service to his chapter. Just as the sergeant turns, he spots a dark shadow appearing before his very eyes in many different forms moving, slithering , flashing, dissolving and reappearing into the background and in an instance, the room reverts to its flashing red lights and high pitch screeches once more. As the sergeant’s combat instincts take over, with adrenaline pulsing through his veins, in the event of immanent danger, the 7 foot veteran sergeant withdraws his bolt pistol in one hand with the precision of one who spent many years practising with it as if it was nothing but a toy, while the tip of his pistol demands the extermination of the existence of a potential threat of the Imperium lurking around the corner. Laying down the techmarine in one swift movement, Sergeant Neil begins to walk cautiously to the corner of the room behind the dreadnought, sub-consciously checking that his pistol is full and ready to fire, as he moves on carefully while trying not to disturb the empty dreadnought in repair. With his lighting reflexes the sergeant turns swiftly with pistol in front in the blink of an eye he notices a tiny flash of white, then nothing but darkness once again. Sensing no danger or threat, the space marine prepares to the place the pistol back in its hoist as he thumbs on the safety catchment. As the space marine turns around however, with pistol still in hand and ready to assess the techmarine, a blinding light catches the sergeant off guard and engulfs him before he can react. While aboard the Unforgiving Mercy, the bridge has a calmer view on problems for now. Captain: “What’s are status navigator” Navigator: “We will be in the nebula clouds within 2 minutes unless evasive action is taken, quickly and decisively” Captain: “A nebula cloud? I had a report telling me that they were no hazards within this part of the sector, and on the map we have found no hazards or any enemy worlds to be retaken.” A shadow stalks the room gliding through the dark forms casted from those who watch the screens, from those who do the emperor’s bidding. Librarian: “Perhaps I may be able to provide an answer captain” Captain: “Continue brother librarian Lictus” Librarian Lictus: “During our entry to this sector most noticeably after the warp exit I detected a strong physic pulse deep within my thoughts and I managed to track its source on a near by planet. However, we were also alerted to several space marines with unknown physic potentials that were affected as well, further information regarding this matter will be in your data pad when you arrive back to your headquarters captain.” An unwelcoming thought of doubt crawled upon the captain’s spine. +++++ I KNOW YOU, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT +++++ Librarian Lictus: “The fact this physic impulse is so strong, strong enough to devoid our minds for a moment and strong enough to influence the minds of the navigators and the fact that we have received no feed back from any of the navigators or astropaths concerns me, the mere fact of something so powerful, existing without any updated knowledge of this sector may provide the mere glimpse of a chaos artifact that may attempt to corrupt our minds. However, the lesser physic developed individuals may be just as easily corrupted as one who has controlled his physic emotions and power, I would approach every planet with caution as I believe that this is some sort of game conjured by a organised and filthy sorcerer clan .I would not want to be the one that wastes time if this is a mere distraction for the real threat that is being clouded for the moment.” The captain spends a moment gathering his thoughts and shakes the voice that he just heard, while concentrating on what brother Lictus had just concluded with all his might, the librarian however notices this delay of response and decides to hide his interest. Then suddenly a burst of static and noise interrupt the captain’s train of though Veteran Sergeant Neil: This is sergeant Neil, reporting, TECH DOWN….TECH DOWN…..he’s fallen unconscious we need a librarian and apothecary Dalias! Captain : “ Help is on the way “ Normally the captain would instruct on what the marine to do next, however the marine knew what to do and the captain had more concerning news to take care of while the situation was being dealt with. Captain : “Noted brother librarian, you are dismissed and make sure that the affect and unaffected are probed and given additional training and information regarding this incident, I feel that we should give more information to our brothers than that is needed so that they have additional knowledge about what we shall be facing.” Librarian: “Yes, captain Malexous” As he walks away he ponders on the captain’s response, with the interest of a child towards a bright light. +++++ YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, YOU KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING +++++ The ship alarm goes off and a sudden jolt shakes the entire ship, throwing the marines and anything else not bolted to the ship around with the exception of the astropaths and navigators. Captain Malexous: “STATUS!” All the screens within the room suddenly appear fuzzy and only static is shown. The screens in front of the astropaths are screaming with static and the frigates hull shudders and holds together against the impact with an almighty screech, on the bridge however, all remains calm. Navigator: “Captain, we have lost all communication with all personnel within the ship’s ca……….” A large shadow suddenly appears out of one of the astropath’s screens and engulfs the astropath before disappearing, however before it can disappear it flickers and it’s speed is negotiated to flickers that crawl centimetre by centimetre every second, towards the other side of the room the years of constant training of the physic mind becomes instinct and fluid motions to the librarian as they are put into practice again. As brother Lictus presses his hands to his head and his eyes focus on the shadow, like an eagle eyeing its feast, as a person breathes without knowing and as the greedy eye the prize, encases the shadow in a electrical storm as it illuminates the Ultramarine’s transfer mark on his shoulder pad. With each flicker of light that leaves the librarians forehead he leaves an imprint of his power on the ship. +++++ WHO ARE YOU++++ With each atom of the lighting protruding from his forehead, he leaves a signature that the galaxy will never see again. +++++ WHAT ARE YOU ++++ Encasing the shadow within a sizzling forcefield shaped ball, the librarian pulls the shadow closer towards him and further away from the monitor. The intensity of the lighting increases the shadow doesn’t seem to notice that it is being pulled towards the librarian with every second that passes by, until with a sudden motion produced by the shadow throws the librarian into disarray, disappearing within a flash of light, as the shadow disappears into screen once again. As for the astropath, there is no trace of him, no trace of him within the room, no trace of him within the ship, no trace of him within the minds of the mortals and no trace of him with the time of humanity. +++++ I KNOW TIME, FOR I AM TIME +++++ Chapter Two We fight for the empire of man, the great crusade they call it, now where is our so called great crusade, half our military turned against and half the Adeptus abandoned us and gave the traitor enough bombs to destroy Holy Terra without the single loss of his men, so who should we trust? A Cadian shock trooper expressing his thoughts to his commissar while drunk, before he was found wanting. Minutes have passed, maybe hours or even days. However, the Captains knows that time does not pass that easily, quickly glancing around the room he notices that the astropaths are still regaining consciousness and some have yet to regain their consciousness, down the corridor footsteps can be heard as the Captain prepares for the incoming shadow, the Captain glances at his F.O.F radar and notices that it is actually one of his brothers, Veteran Culda, who is approaching the room. The captain relaxes his pistol arm; however he does not let it relax completely as he has many questions for the incoming marine and does not wished to be caught unprepared when the marine has failed so many protocols. Veteran Culda: Brother Captain, Brother Malexous, sorry to approach you in this way however all communications within the ships are disabled and the techmarines are encountering difficultes that are beyond their knowledge. Apart from communications the rest of the ship looks fine apart from the warpdrive, it appears to have been drained and there is no trace of any taint within the ship and the search teams were unable to find anything that caused the ship to shake as it did. Captain Malexous: You have done well Brother Culda, what of the Brother Librarian Lictus? Veteran Culda: I am sorry, we have not contacted him yet and I did not see him as I made my way to the bridge, the guards also reported that they had not seen the Librarian leave via the corridor leading to this room since he entered. Captain Malexous: Thank you, now get the ship back on course and plot co-ordinates for the nearest imperial held planet. The veteran quickly walks to the nearest console and with a few taps of his fingertips he hesitates then reports. Veteran Culda: The nearest Imperial planet is more than a day away and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer, do you still wish to head there? ++++ There is static from the screens ++++ The screens suddenly crackle into life spitting out lighting, then return to displaying many runes and shapes once again, until it finally turns in the symbol of the imperial eagle and then a face, a dark face grizzled with scars with green eyes and dark brown hair that betray his emotions now and again. Governor Prime: Greetings, Ultramarines of Ultramar, this is Governor Damilius Prime, we hope that you may assist us in our effort to reclaim this sector, in the event that you have no other events pursuing your interests, we await your response. Captain Malexous: Governor Damilius Prime, this is Captain Malexous of the 7th company of the Ultramarines chapter, we would be honoured to assist you in your mission, meet us as these co-ordinates and transfer any psykers that are on your ships to another ship and isolate it, you need to also remove all servicemen aboard that ship before transferring the psykers across, do you copy? The governor ponders over the unusual request for a second and then realises that a space marine should not be kept from an answer for too long and utters a quick response, Governor Prime: I copy Captain Malexous who notices this pause due to his heightened senses responds, Captain Malexous: All will become clear soon enough Governor Prime. The governor doubts that it will become clear, nevertheless he is working with the Imperium’s greatest warriors, the space marines, not to mention one of the most famous the Ultramarines. After hours of planning and co-ordination of the Governor’s fleet, they arrive at the designated co-ordinates that Captain Malexous had requested, at first they notice green spores floating around in large quantities however due to the vast amount of darkness they are only big enough to be seen by the keen eye. A few minutes later, there is only the stillness of the endless night and the floating forms of the green spores gliding left and right, the Governor starts to notice a dark dot approaching them, with twitching reflexes his head jerks towards the sensor screens, nothing there, it gets larger with every passing moment. He orders them to start up the ships shields and engines and places his servicemen and comrades alike on high alert, nothing can prepare him for the next stage of his life, nothing can be formed in his mind when so many questions are needed to be answered, he quickly glances at the ships radar again and wonders why it hasn’t shown up on the screen and why hasn't any of his crew members detected the ship, nothing seems right. Nothing is ever right it seems to him. Footsteps…… “Finally a person who can finally report to me on what is happening” or so the governor thinks. The uniformed personal walks towards the governor with the precision of elite, saluts the governor with the speed of a rifle and talks to the governor with the coldness of hatred. Catching him off guard the figure moves in one motion moves behind the Governor and relieves him of his firearm and ploughs him to the ground. Governor Prime: What is the meaning of this heresy! Figure: The heresy is yours, if you weren’t in the interests of our Captain…. Governor Prime: Your captain? Captain Malexous? I demand you to release me at once I am a fa…….. Figure: I do not wish to be interrupted once more and I doubt that you and I alike would like to waste our Captain’s precious time, now move and don’t you dare make a move or you wish find that you will arrive at our Captain’s destination with less parts that original self than when you left here. Governor Prime: You dare harm a loyal servant of the……! Figure: Enough! And with that comment the figure rotates Governor Prime around and to the governor’s dismay he sees not one face that he recognises within the 26 Imperial naval uniforms within the room he notices that they all look muscular, lean and deadly. The look of a space marine in training, - Inside the mind of the governor - “A space marine! Not one, but many, I’ve never seen one up close and yet I wish I hadn’t they have the ability to look like gods and yet their human, their mortal!” The look of a powerful devotion to the Emperor and the look of hatred. Hatred, yes the governor had felt that once, when the inquisition razed his home world to the ground, for what purpose? To save ten million souls from one tyranid spore, one, they could have easily obliterated it and used flamers to stop the contamination, from that day onwards he swore to destroy those who destroyed his home world, yet he still had no idea who ordered the exterminartus of his home world, Jevias. No matter, he would find him in the end, if he could live to see this day as an extraordinary life changing past. Why were these, humans, no there not human how can they be genetically altered to the very core and still be human, it does not matter there dead men anyway all space marines are dead men and yet I cannot think how I could praise them and how I could be in awe of their might and jealous of their pride their history the things they have done to help the Imperium and those who tossed their loyalties aside for their own twisted pleasure. The next thing the Governor notices is a sharp pain and then darkness. Aboard the quite frigate of the Unforgiving mercy, a mist the constant drone of the astropaths and navigators, Captain ---- receives a transmission on the situation aboard the governors ship. Captain Malexous: And the situation? A response sends the captain pondering, until his train of thought is broken through a sudden outburst through his comm. Space marine scout: Captain! We have noticed that not all the Imperial Guard ships that were first present when we contacted them are here, in fact the ship that you requested to hold psykers are completely empty as well, we have control of the situation for now, however. Realising this betrayal the captain barks a command in the tone of years of experience that only a commander can require, a tone that can only ever be required by the emperor's finest. Captain Malexous: Get the governor off that ship and disable the ships warp drives, fry the comms tower as well if you have time and offensive capabilities as you exit the vessel, if there any are complications, there we will have thunderhawks on standby in the event that you require escape pods to evacuate the vessel and remember to initiate protocol 5, rigging and bugging the comms. Space Marine: As you wish Captain Malexous, Initiate Deliphas out. With that comment the navigator that was studying the ships radar signals alerts the captain of incoming ships near the surface of the planet Dakta II roughly 5 hours away. Navigator: Eleven vessels approaching, one Emperor Class battleships and two battle barges, 5 hunter class destroyers, 2 Nova Class Frigates and one strike cruiser 700km away, initiating protocol response. The captain rushes over to the navigator’s controls and looks at the radar himself. Captain Malexous: That’s an attacking formation, by the emperor, their Black Templar what in the Emperor’s name are they thinking of. Navigator II: Milord we have detected a dense formation of heat signatures in the rear of our position, heated projectiles are heading our way now, impact in 1 minute and 10 seconds, unknown number of attacking vessels in their area of fired projectiles, no more than 10 however, milord, designated alien design: unknown, possible mutation. Captain Malexous: Turn us around now, face the front of this ship with the incoming projectiles and fire the auto turrets on my command and ping that Templar fleet now, I want those ships commanders responding to me and telling me what are they doing in this sector! With a final word of prayer to the emperor the Navigators and astropaths increase the pace of their workrate, under normal conditions half of the astropaths would have passed out due to the vast number of individual messengers that were needed to be sent to an entire imperial guard fleet and additional space marine forces at the same time plus any planets within the region of this battle. However the captain had ensured that he needed the best navigators possible to conduct an expedition into this barren and almost life less sector, one with just enough inhabitants to fill half of Holy Terra and enough planets to place on each finger of one hand if not less. Apothecary Dalias: Captain, you should see this, we found brother sergeant Neil knocked out and some form of green sustance penetrating this part of the shipss wall, i have also checked the other side of the wall, with nothing to find out of the ordinary... no, wait brother Neil is waking up now..... ahhhhhhhhh..... in the name of the emperor what are you doing, I need back up..... repeat nee........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The comms fuzz with static background. Captain Malexous: Dalias, brother Dalias report..... report, get a squad down there now B) thanks antique_Nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krieg Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Excellent reading! Can't wait for the next chapter. ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1907018 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 DAMN yea i can't too ^^, although a few people might be puzzled as to why the black templars weren't in it first, all i can tell you is that the Ultramarines will fight with the black templars for all the wrong reasons lol ^^. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1907060 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 To be honest dude, you didn't hook me into it. I read about half and then kinda tuned out, especially when I went to lunch. you gotta get some action beats in there and hit in the face with them. everything was kinda slow paced. when you took off and went elsewhere after the sergeant got "flashed" I didn't really care too much. you gotta leave the suspense for later on in a book/short story and you can't leave a reader hanging that soon. to lay down the law on it, I don't really care about this character, I just met him and know nothing about him. You have to make me care, especially being a UM hater on this end. Whether he will be a main character or not, I have to care, otherwise I'll sit down and say "OK.... and?" Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1907085 Share on other sites More sharing options...
jubei124 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Here are some thing that I think wuld help the story flow a little better. I think it's a pretty good story so far it just needs a little refining. Dalious a once scout that he had served with during his trials to become an Ultramarine Initiate, applying sacred oils and prayers onto each piece of adamantine plate with the caress and love of a mother looking after a child and with the thought of comradeship. Is he a servitor or a neophyte? It's not that clear. Dalias was an apothecary a medic for the emperor’s most holy warrior and was gifted in the art of medicine, his main expertise however were layed towards sudden fits and unconscious behaviours the happened within a space marine Dalias was an apothecary, a medic for the emperor’s most holy warrior and was gifted in the art of medicine, his main expertise however was layed towards the sudden fits and unconscious behaviours the happened within a space marine As the space marine speaks to the mouth piece he instinctly punches the alarm next to him As the space marine spoke into the mouthpeice he instinctively punches the alarm next to him slithering , flashing, reappearing and dissolving into the background slithering , flashing, dissolving and reapppearing into the background. the 7 foot veteran sergeant holsters his bolt pistol in one hand with the precision of one who spent many years practising with it as if it was nothing but a toy the 7 foot veteran sergeant withdraws his bolt pistol from its holster with the precision of one who spent many years practising with it as if it was nothing but a toy, Sergeant Neil begins to walk cautiously and slowly to the corner of the room behind the dreadnought, sub-consciously checking that his pistol is full and ready to fire he moves on carefully while trying not to disturb the empty dreadnought in repair Sergeant Neil begins to walk cautiously to the corner of the room behind the dreadnought, sub-consciously checking that his pistol is full and ready to fire, he moves on carefully while trying not to disturb the empty dreadnought in repair With his lighting reflexes the sergeant turns swiftly with pistol in front in the blink of an eye noticing a tiny flash of white, then nothing but darkness once again. With his lighting reflexes the sergeant turns swiftly with pistol in front and in the blink of an eye he notices a tiny flash of white, then nothing but darkness once again. Librarian Lictus: “During our entry to this sector most noticeably after the warp exit I detected a strong physic pulse deep within my thoughts and I managed to track its source on a near by planet. However, we were also alerted to several space marines with unknown physic potentials were affected as well, further information regarding this matter will be in your data pad when you arrive back to your headquarters captain.” Librarian Lictus: “During our entry to this sector most noticeably after the warp exit I detected a strong physic pulse deep within my thoughts and I managed to track its source to a near by planet. However, we were also alerted to several space marines with unknown physic potentials that were affected as well, further information regarding this matter will be in your data pad when you return to your headquarters captain.” Librarian Lictus: “The fact this physic impulse is so strong, strong enough to devoid our minds for a moment and strong enough to influence the minds of the navigators and the fact that we have received no feed back from any of the navigator or astropath concerns me Librarian Lictus: “The fact this physic impulse is so strong, strong enough to devoid our minds for a moment and strong enough to influence the minds of our navigators and the fact that we have received no feed back from any of the navigators or astropath concerns me Captain : “Noted brother librarian, dismiss and make sure that the affect and unaffected are probed and given additional training and information regarding this incident, I feel that we should give more information to our brothers than that is needed so that they have additional knowledge about what we shall be facing.” Captain : “Noted brother librarian, you are dismissed and make sure that the affected and unaffected are probed and given additional training and information regarding this incident, I feel that we should inform our brothers so that they have additional knowledge about what we shall be facing.” The ship alarm goes off and a sudden jolt shakes the entire ship, The ship alarm goes off and a violent tremor rattles the entire ship, Navigator: “Captain, we have lost all communication with all other personal within the ship’s ca……….” Navigator: “Captain, we have lost all communications within the ship’s ca……….” With each atom of the lighting protruding from his forehead he leaves a signature that the galaxy will never see again. With each atom of the lighting protruding from his forehead, he leaves a signature that the galaxy will never see again. Encasing the shadow in a force like field sizzling ball, the librarian pulls the shadow closer towards him and further away from the monitor Encasing the shadow within a forcefield shaped into sizzling ball, the librarian pulls the shadow towards him and further away from the monitor. The intensity of the lighting increases the shadow doesn’t seem to notice that it is being pulled closer towards the librarian with every second that passes by The intensity of the lighting increases, the shadow doesn’t seem to notice that it is being pulled towards the librarian with every second that passes by We fight for the empire of man, the great crusade they call it, now where is our so called great crusade, half our military turned against and half the Adeptus abandoned us and gave the traitor enough bombs to destroy Holy Terra without the single loss of his men, so who should we trust? A Cadian shock trooper expressing his thoughts to his commissar while drunk, before he was found wanting. Wouldn't the commisar shoot him for saying these things? it appears to have been drained and there is no trace of any taint within or on the ship and the search teams are unable to find any dent that caused the ship to shake as it did it appears to have been drained and there is no trace of any taint within the ship and the search teams are unable to find anything that caused the ship to shake as it did Veteran Culda: I am sorry, we have not contacted him yet and I did not see him as I made my way to the bridge, the guards also reported that they had not seen the Librarian leave the corridor leading here since he entered Veteran Culda: I am sorry, we have not contacted him yet and I did not see him as I made my way onto the bridge, the guards also reported that they had not seen the Librarian leave the corridor leading here since he entered. [The underlined part is kinda confusing to me it kinda seems like he should still be on the bridge the way it's worded/color] The screens suddenly crackle into life spitting out lighting, The screens suddenly crackles into life spitting out lighting, The governor doubts that it will become clear, never the less he is working with the Imperium’s greatest warriors the space marines not to mention on of the most famous the Ultramarines. The governor doubts that it will become clear, nevertheless he is working with the Imperium’s greatest warriors the space marines not to mention on of the most famous the Ultramarines. Nevertheless is one word After hours of planning and co-ordination of the Governor’s fleet, they arrive at the designated co-ordinates that Captain ----- had requested I think you meant to put your captains name in here but I'm not sure with twitching reflexes his head jerks towards the sensor screens, nothing there, it gets large with every passing moment. with twitching reflexes his head jerks towards the sensor screens, nothing there, it gets larger with every passing moment. He orders them to start up the ships shields and engines IMO, I would think that both of these should be on while moving in space so why would you need to start them up. and why not one of his crew members detected the ship, and why hasn't one of his crew members detected the ship, Figure: I do not wish to be interrupted once more and I doubt that you and I alike would like to waste our Captain’s precious time, now move and don’t you dare make a move or you wish find that you will arrive at our Captain’s destination with less parts that original self than when you left here. Figure: I do not wish to be interrupted again and I doubt that you and I would like to waste our Captain’s precious time, now move and don’t you dare try anything or you'll find that you will meet our Captain with less parts than you have now. Governor Prime: You dare harm a loyal servant of the……! Governor Prime: You would dare harm a loyal servant of the……! Captain Malexous: Get the governor off that ship and disable the ships warp drives, fry the comms tower as well if you have time and offensive capabilities as you exit the vessel, if there any are complications, there we will have thunderhawks on standby in the event that you require escape pods to evacuate the vessel and remember to initiate protocol 5, rigging and bugging the comms. Captain Malexous: Get the governor off that ship and disable the ships warp drives, fry the comms tower and offensive capabilities as well if you have time as you exit the vessel, if there any are complications we will have thunderhawks on standby, in case you need to use the escape pods to evacuate the vessel. Also remember to initiate protocol 5, rigging and bugging the comms. Captain Malexous: That’s an attacking formation, by the emperor, their Black Templar what in the Emperor’s name are they thinking of. Captain Malexous: That’s an attacking formation, by the emperor, there Black Templars what in the Emperor’s name are they thinking of. Captain Malexous: Turn us around now, face the front of this ship with the incoming projectiles and fire the auto turrets on my command and ping that Templar fleet now, I want those ships commanders responding to me and telling me what are they doing in this sector! Captain Malexous: Turn us around now, face the front of this ship with the incoming projectiles and fire the auto turrets on my command. Ping that Templar fleet now, I want those ships commanders responding to me and telling me what they are doing in this sector! With a final word of prayer to the emperor the Navigators and astropaths increase the pace of their workrate, under normal conditions half of the astropaths would have passed out due to the vast number of individual messengers that were needed to be sent to an entire imperial guard fleet and additional space marine forces at the same time plus any planets within the region of this battle. With a final prayer to the emperor the Navigators and astropaths increased their workrate, under normal conditions half of the astropaths would have passed out due to the vast number of individual messengers that were needed to be sent to an entire imperial guard fleet and additional space marine forces at the same time plus any planets within the region of this battle I made a few changes to this passage but I dont think the astropaths would be doing this, I think that normal means of comunications would be used instead. This is a pretty good story so far. The major thing that I have noticed is with Captain Malexous, in the books I've read so far their is usually a 'captain of the ship' that takes care of everything. Is this Captain Malexous the captian of the ship or is he Captain of the space marines on board? Also there are usually humans or servitors that man the ships stations not scouts. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1907594 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 jubei124 The scout that i first mentioned was a neophyte when you corrected the mistake about the sergeant walking around the dreadnought i was trying to find that sentence lol ^^, i also chose not to use violent tremor instead of my sudden jolt, as a termor is more of a rattle i wanted it as a large quick impact not a tremor. Also when you were confused about the guardsmen phrase, i was talking about him being executed after he said it to the commissar, found wanting means exacution ( it's found in the IG codex ). I have also corrected the librarian part when Veteran Culda comments on the mysterious dissapearance of the librarian. I also chose to leave the part about the screens crackling i found the difference puzzling. Figure: I do not wish to be interrupted once more and I doubt that you and I alike would like to waste our Captain’s precious time, now move and don’t you dare make a move or you wish find that you will arrive at our Captain’s destination with less parts that original self than when you left here. I think that thw words, once more, sound more threatening " He orders them to start up the ship's shields and the engines " They were waiting, so they shut them down, however i still doubt they would so i have corrected that part as well. I also noticed you missed a few mistakes as well and i appreciate the time you invested to help me see my mistakes! The corrected version is at the top of the page. twin 44. To be honest dude, you didn't hook me into it. I read about half and then kinda tuned out, especially when I went to lunch. you gotta get some action beats in there and hit in the face with them. everything was kinda slow paced. when you took off and went elsewhere after the sergeant got "flashed" I didn't really care too much. you gotta leave the suspense for later on in a book/short story and you can't leave a reader hanging that soon. to lay down the law on it, I don't really care about this character, I just met him and know nothing about him. You have to make me care, especially being a UM hater on this end. Whether he will be a main character or not, I have to care, otherwise I'll sit down and say "OK.... and?" i want the suspene at the start of the story to make you want to read more to find out what happened to sergeant Neil and i do surpose that i toned down the pace abit maybe i should of kept the pace of the story before i changed it to this. Even if you are a UM hater, you should atleast do the decent thing and read the ENTIRE story before commenting i find it quite rude that you jus comment on like 1/4 of this chapter, basing your thoughts of this entire chapter on just the first 1/4 of this chapter. (PLEASE DELETE THE TWO COMMENTS ABOVE THEY WERE MISTAKES XD ) thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1908237 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iago Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Posts handled. I like the story, it seems like it is coming along nicely! Improved and better than before :lol: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1908438 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 lol Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1908568 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twin .44 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 twin 44.To be honest dude, you didn't hook me into it. I read about half and then kinda tuned out, especially when I went to lunch. you gotta get some action beats in there and hit in the face with them. everything was kinda slow paced. when you took off and went elsewhere after the sergeant got "flashed" I didn't really care too much. you gotta leave the suspense for later on in a book/short story and you can't leave a reader hanging that soon. to lay down the law on it, I don't really care about this character, I just met him and know nothing about him. You have to make me care, especially being a UM hater on this end. Whether he will be a main character or not, I have to care, otherwise I'll sit down and say "OK.... and?" i want the suspene at the start of the story to make you want to read more to find out what happened to sergeant Neil and i do surpose that i toned down the pace abit maybe i should of kept the pace of the story before i changed it to this. Even if you are a UM hater, you should atleast do the decent thing and read the ENTIRE story before commenting i find it quite rude that you jus comment on like 1/4 of this chapter, basing your thoughts of this entire chapter on just the first 1/4 of this chapter. (PLEASE DELETE THE TWO COMMENTS ABOVE THEY WERE MISTAKES XD ) thanks antique_nova I wasn't commenting on the entirety of the chapter. I was merely stating you didn't hook me at all and I no longer wanted to read it. sorry, you specifically asked for my opinion (through a PM nonetheless) and I'm sorry if you can't handle what I had to say. and as for me being a UM hater, I'm just saying that it's harder for me to care. The Imperial Guard annoys me to no end, but I read the entire Ciaphas Cain omnibus in a week just because it hooked me immediately. I love the Inquisition, started to read Eisenhorn and put it down after 10 pages and never touched it again. That's how I am as a reader, I don't want to wait forever for something to happen nor do I want something to happen to somebody i don't know. There has to be exposition relevant to how long the story is too but you have to hook me dude. I'm sorry if it seems rude, but I'm not trying to be. -edit- sorry, I guess i got carried away Richtofen by being called rude... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1908822 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Just a quick reminder here... Everytime Antique_Nova posts a story, someone has to come along and drop his/her "writing credentials" as an excuse to say whatever they want... I don't care if the winner of a pulitzer prize stalks these forums, it doesn't give him an excuse to be rude. Twin .44, your first post in response was fine, but in the second one I don't really see the point in discussing your writing abilities... it only comes across as bragging. I'm not saying that you've broken any rules or have crossed any lines, but please be mindful of the forum rules, especially those involving "constructive criticism". For some reason, fluff critiques tend to bring out the worst in everyone, so just be wary and think twice before hitting that 'reply' button, and that goes for all of you! To sum it up, if you have something good or bad to say, just be sure to say it in a manner that is constructive. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then there is nothing forcing you to hit that reply button... so please don't! i want the suspene at the start of the story to make you want to read more to find out what happened to sergeant Neil and i do surpose that i toned down the pace abit maybe i should of kept the pace of the story before i changed it to this. Even if you are a UM hater, you should atleast do the decent thing and read the ENTIRE story before commenting i find it quite rude that you jus comment on like 1/4 of this chapter, basing your thoughts of this entire chapter on just the first 1/4 of this chapter. Nova, People don't have to like your story. They don't have to read it either. It is what it is, and people will either like it or not based on whether or not they care to read it. Personally, I don't like to read fluff, at least non-GW stuff. It's not that I don't think that there are alot of talented writers out there, it's just that I'd rather not comment, so I don't read it. If someone doesn't like your story, and says so, you have to take it on the chin... calling someone 'rude' isn't going to lead anywhere but to a flame-fest, and unless you want to get in trouble, I recommend not going that route. Thanks. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1909137 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 6, 2009 Author Share Posted March 6, 2009 - quote - t do the decent thing and read the ENTIRE story before commenting i find it quite rude that you jus comment on like 1/4 of this chapter, basing your thoughts of this entire chapter on just the first 1/4 of this chapter. Nova, People don't have to like your story. They don't have to read it either. It is what it is, and people will either like it or not based on whether or not they care to read it. Personally, I don't like to read fluff, at least non-GW stuff. It's not that I don't think that there are alot of talented writers out there, it's just that I'd rather not comment, so I don't read it. If someone doesn't like your story, and says so, you have to take it on the chin... calling someone 'rude' isn't going to lead anywhere but to a flame-fest, and unless you want to get in trouble, I recommend not going that route. Thanks. - quote - i know i know, i just got carried away, like you said some people get worked up with certain comments from critics they jsut feel that you need to read either the entire book or the entire chapter to be able to comments like that. when i was aiming my word, rude, as twin 44, i was just expressing what i felt in moment at the time ( if that just made sense ). I know people don't have to like my story as well, i just get worked up by certain comments, i am just used to constructive criticism instead of comments from the audiences true feelings of my work. - quote - Just a quick reminder here... Everytime Antique_Nova posts a story, someone has to come along and drop his/her "writing credentials" as an excuse to say whatever they want... I don't care if the winner of a pulitzer prize stalks these forums, it doesn't give him an excuse to be rude. - quote - i dont understand you here thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1909503 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 i dont understand you herethanks antique_nova Well, it wasn't directed at you, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. ;) A quick note, however... if you put comments from other people between the "quote" tags, it'll be much easier to follow what you are saying. They look like this: [quote]This is a quote.[/quote] The above will look like this: This is a quote. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1910440 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 i dont understand you herethanks antique_nova Well, it wasn't directed at you, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. :tu: A quick note, however... if you put comments from other people between the "quote" tags, it'll be much easier to follow what you are saying. They look like this: [quote]This is a quote.[/quote] The above will look like this: This is a quote. lol i tried to quote two things at once and it :P up, lol and when i said i don't understand you i meant that i didn't udnerstand what you were talking about there. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1913199 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Mage Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 So when is the next part? Ive been waiting for FIVE DAYS! Lol. Seriously, there were a few typographical errors and some diction that could be reworded... but I figure this is your rough or maybe second draft eh? Always room for improvement. Any idea when the next installment is out? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1913374 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 when i said i don't understand you i meant that i didn't udnerstand what you were talking about there.thanks antique_nova I understand that you didn't understand. However, I wasn't directing the comment at you, so don't worry about it. Clear? ++End of off-topic discussion++ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1914497 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 when i said i don't understand you i meant that i didn't udnerstand what you were talking about there.thanks antique_nova I understand that you didn't understand. However, I wasn't directing the comment at you, so don't worry about it. Clear? ++End of off-topic discussion++ CLEAR! :tu: Grey Mage: i didnt know you liked it that much ^^ few typographical errors? Where - please point out diction that could be reworded? Where - please point out It's my final copy and yes there is always room for improvement. The next chapter will probably be in like a month at the earliest and thats IF i am lucky ^^ as i have exams in the next 2 months including now. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1915028 Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItalicSquirrels Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Antique Nova, I gave you a few things that needed to be fixed last time, and they have not been. If you want people to give you good pointers and advice, you either have to follow that advice or give a good reason for not doing so. For example, last time I told you that you absolutely had to take the dialog out of that script format. It looks bad. I'm not even trying to exaggerate or be facetious. If you are not writing a script (which you are not), the dialog should be put in the regular format. For example: Veteran Culda: The nearest Imperial planet is more than a day away and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer, do you still wish to head there? is easily turned into: "The nearest Imperial planet is more than a day away, and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer," said Veteran Culda as he looked over the star charts. "Do you still wish to head there?" There. No muss, no fuss, and it looks professional. This is the absolute first thing that ought to be fixed. Even before you continue writing drafts for the next chapter, fix this. It's a horrendous habit that should be expunged from a short story writer's mind as soon as possible. Second, you still need to run this story through both a spelling and a grammar checker. The one that grabbed my attention the most was get a squad down their now The proper term here is "there". The word 'their' is possessive, as in 'that is their lasgun crate.' The word 'there' is directional, as in 'set the lasgun crate down over there.' Third, your sentences are still run-ons. The sentence about Dalias should be cut up into thirds or fourths. Looking back over this, I honestly feel like any screenshot of this story would contain at least one run-on sentence. Go back over your story, remove about three quarters of the commas, and start dividing your sentences up. Fourth, drop the colors completely. Do not edit any colors into your story. They look like they're there to distract your reader from looking closely at the words. The same can be said for the quotes at the beginning of the sections. Remove those as well, they just take up space. Honestly, a lot of this is really basic stuff. Put this story in Word or some other program with spelling/grammar checker, and follow its instructions unless you are very sure that you are correct. Then print the story out and use a red pen to correct it. Find the places where the wording is too verbose or inaccurate. Cross those sections out and write better ones in. Then make the corrections, print it out again, and give the paper copy to someone you trust. Personally, I use my sister as my copy editor. You might find that a sibling works too, or maybe your parents. Tell them to ignore any vocabulary that they don't get (boltgun, Initiate, Librarian, FOF, etc.) and just focus on the mechanics. Or you could sit by and answer any questions that they have. Quite honestly, I think you need to show this story to someone that doesn't know the 40k universe. Anything that they do not understand that isn't straight vocabulary should probably be explained in your story. For example, I wouldn't recommend detailing what a bolter is, and I would only suggest half of a sentence describing a Librarian. But I would definitely suggest that you give us at least a paragraph on just why Captain Malexous is out here in the middle of nowhere with a ship full of Astropaths, Navigators, and a Space Marine Company. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1927511 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Antique Nova, I gave you a few things that needed to be fixed last time, and they have not been. If you want people to give you good pointers and advice, you either have to follow that advice or give a good reason for not doing so. I can't check everything, there are always mistakes in any novel, i bet their is still atleast one mistake in every book publish in the entire world, but thanks for finding that. For example, last time I told you that you absolutely had to take the dialog out of that script format. It looks bad. I'm not even trying to exaggerate or be facetious. If you are not writing a script (which you are not), the dialog should be put in the regular format. For example: Veteran Culda: The nearest Imperial planet is more than a day away and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer, do you still wish to head there? is easily turned into: "The nearest Imperial planet is more than a day away, and with our depleted warp drive it could take much longer," said Veteran Culda as he looked over the star charts. "Do you still wish to head there?" i just preferred that way, instead of saying said all the time or shouted etc. Second, you still need to run this story through both a spelling and a grammar checker. The one that grabbed my attention the most was get a squad down their now The proper term here is "there". The word 'their' is possessive, as in 'that is their lasgun crate.' The word 'there' is directional, as in 'set the lasgun crate down over there.' i don't need such a detailed constructive critism, surely you must know that its jsut a spelling mistake not a meaning mistake. Third, your sentences are still run-ons. The sentence about Dalias should be cut up into thirds or fourths. Looking back over this, I honestly feel like any screenshot of this story would contain at least one run-on sentence. Go back over your story, remove about three quarters of the commas, and start dividing your sentences up. run ons? Fourth, drop the colors completely. Do not edit any colors into your story. They look like they're there to distract your reader from looking closely at the words. The same can be said for the quotes at the beginning of the sections. Remove those as well, they just take up space. Honestly, a lot of this is really basic stuff. Put this story in Word or some other program with spelling/grammar checker, and follow its instructions unless you are very sure that you are correct. Then print the story out and use a red pen to correct it. Find the places where the wording is too verbose or inaccurate. Cross those sections out and write better ones in. Then make the corrections, print it out again, and give the paper copy to someone you trust. Personally, I use my sister as my copy editor. You might find that a sibling works too, or maybe your parents. Tell them to ignore any vocabulary that they don't get (boltgun, Initiate, Librarian, FOF, etc.) and just focus on the mechanics. Or you could sit by and answer any questions that they have. Yea i have but am still waiting for feedback. Quite honestly, I think you need to show this story to someone that doesn't know the 40k universe. Anything that they do not understand that isn't straight vocabulary should probably be explained in your story. For example, I wouldn't recommend detailing what a bolter is, and I would only suggest half of a sentence describing a Librarian. But I would definitely suggest that you give us at least a paragraph on just why Captain Malexous is out here in the middle of nowhere with a ship full of Astropaths, Navigators, and a Space Marine Company. If you think about it properly, the books are for hard-core gamers or people who are interested and play the game. it's what the books are recommended for, however i doubt it woudl hurt to atleast describe it. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1929434 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retributis Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Are you intending for this to be a novel-like story or a script? Because it reads very much like the latter. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1929725 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 26, 2009 Author Share Posted March 26, 2009 novel however i don't like it when you have to put said everytime or something similiar. I will have to read more books until i will convince myself to change it again ^^. thanks antique_Nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1930714 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Retributis Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 You don't have to every time, only for isolated speech or to initially identify the speakers. Having a look at some other books is a good idea, as you'll see how they deal with extended conversations. Often you'll identify the setting and the characters present, then start the speech with said or equivalent, then once a conversation is going it's just a matter of keeping it clear who is talking, if you have a back and forth of several sentences you don't need to identify them each time for about 3-4 sentences, but after that it's always best to re-orientate the reader so he's sure of who is talking. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1930745 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 i hadnt noticed that i always thought it was said all the time or another word representing that. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1931974 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Richthofen Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Not to be a downer here, Nova, but is this story ever going to include any Templars? I ask this because this thread dates back to the beginning of March, and before that you had another two threads that you started in February on the same story... and before that in December.... so by my count that's 4 threads, all created about the same story, that have absolutely no Black Templars in them. Thus, they don't have any relevance in our forum. You keep claiming that the appearance of Black Templars in the second Chapter is imminent, but it's been almost 4 months now and 4 threads, and still no Templars. So, you have an option: Either include some Templar related content soon, or I'll be moving this to the +LIBER COMMINISCOR+ section (which you can check out by clicking on it's name) that is the proper place for all power-armour fan fiction. I would suggest re-posting your story over there anyways, as you'll find help from people who write their own fluff and can probably offer you some great tips. Thanks. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1932771 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 Not to be a downer here, Nova, but is this story ever going to include any Templars? I ask this because this thread dates back to the beginning of March, and before that you had another two threads that you started in February on the same story... and before that in December.... so by my count that's 4 threads, all created about the same story, that have absolutely no Black Templars in them. Thus, they don't have any relevance in our forum. You keep claiming that the appearance of Black Templars in the second Chapter is imminent, but it's been almost 4 months now and 4 threads, and still no Templars. So, you have an option: Either include some Templar related content soon, or I'll be moving this to the +LIBER COMMINISCOR+ section (which you can check out by clicking on it's name) that is the proper place for all power-armour fan fiction. I would suggest re-posting your story over there anyways, as you'll find help from people who write their own fluff and can probably offer you some great tips. Thanks. Navigator: Eleven vessels approaching, one Emperor Class battleships and two battle barges, 5 hunter class destroyers, 2 Nova Class Frigates and one strike cruiser 700km away, initiating protocol response. The captain rushes over to the navigator’s controls and looks at the radar himself. Captain Malexous: That’s an attacking formation, by the emperor, their Black Templar what in the Emperor’s name are they thinking of. that's near the end of chapter two and i am working on the next two chapters now, i appreciate the offer the offer but i don't think i will accept it and it will be bt relevant. thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1935074 Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 is there such thing as a pole vote interaction on b&c? if there is one please tell me how to put it into this post if not i think it would be a nice upgrade for this website! thanks antique_nova Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/162281-the-forgotten-ages-of-the-templars/#findComment-1935119 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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