IA: Leopards Argent

[Brother Argent]

[img; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/uploads/1248915449/gallery_36568_3534_187060.jpg[/img]

Lucian was regarded highly for not only his tactical skills but was also a strong believer in the ideal of unity through diversity. He believed that every planet and culture in the Imperium added in some way to the overall strength of humanity. As such he would often learn of and follow the planet's native culture, to a degree. He also recruited from the worlds he encountered during his crusade. Many of these new recruits brought with them some of the cultural practices from their homeworlds and the Chapter embraced such diversity, after it had been thoroughly examined and approved by the Chapter's Chaplains, as to avoid conflict or taint entering the Chapter.

Lucian led his crusading Chapter wisely in the early days and quickly gained the respect and love of the marines under his command. He eventually fell when, whilst fighting on the planet of Xadum, he and his command squad were ambushed in a narrow defile by the Eldar they were fighting. The Chapter responded to its Chapter Master’s calls for aid but, upon arrival, found much of his retinue dead and the Chapter Master himself missing. In honour of Lucian’s sacrifice the new Chapter Master took the name Ishild, meaning ice warrior, the name given to Lucian by the inhabitants of the planet and the name is born by every Chapter Master to this day.

The Leopards Argent continued their crusade, gaining the use of the battle barge Neofilius Rex as well as several other gifts from the Adeptus Mechanicus. The crusade would finally end when the Leopards assaulted and destroyed a small craftworld in the Pardus Nebula after a protracted siege aboard the space born city. The Leopards Argent would later return to the Pardus Nebula a thousand years later for entirely different reasons.

There original purpose forfilled, at least temporarily, the Leopards Argent continued to crusade amongst the stars, fighting both a protracted engagement against the WAAAAAAGH! Runtkilla as well as engaging in several skirmishes with Tau forces. It was during one of these space borne conflicts when the Neofilius Rex took massive damage and many of the Chapter's battle brothers were lost to the vacuum of space. The chapter recoiled hard from the losses and the Chapter Master petitioned the High Lords for them to be granted a world to call there own, to avoid such tragedies again. The High Lords granted the request and gave them fiefdom over the world of Caliga, in the Pardus Nebula.

W

hen the Leopards Argent first arrived on Caliga after the battle that ensured many losses to the Chapter they were bitterly disappointed. Whilst the planet was beautiful and lush it was also uninhabited. The Leopards had no ideal recruitment grounds to recover the Chapter's losses with and, as such, thought the planet mostly useless. They set up a base, however, at the foot of one of the planet's many mountain ranges and it wasn’t long before they became attached to the planet. With its lush forests, sweeping mountain ranges and constant shroud of mist the planet provided a blank slate for the Chapter to create what they wished. Doting the planet were the ruins of a primitive civilisation that seemed to have completely vanished. Although the Chapter’s Librarium originally investigated these ruins they could not come up with any reason as to why the people vanished and the matter simply dropped from the Chapter’s mind. Instead they focussed on building up their fortress monastery in the mountains and establishing themselves as a military presence in the region. Forced to look off-word for recruits the Leopards Argent soon found several worlds nearby with worthy recruits and began rebuilding the Chapter. These recruits were brought to Caliga where they were required to find there way through the mist shrouded forests to the Monastery, making recruits work together as a team and learn to survive on an alien world. Although Caliga doesn’t have any major predators many of the new recruits never make it to the Monastery, instead the wander in the forests until the Chapter picks them up and returns them home having failed their first test to join the Chapter.

The Leopards Argent are known throughout the Pardus Nebula as one of the major military powers. Having established Watch Holds, small fortresses often manned by Chapter Serfs, on the planets from which they recruit as well as those they have fought on the Chapter’s presence is felt long after the marines themselves have left. These Watch Holds can range from a simple fortified tower to a sprawling complex, depending on the Chapter’s needs at the time. It is to these fortresses that hopefuls journey to on the planets recruitment worlds, hoping to be chosen as one of the promising few to join the Chapter.

This practice of establishing themselves as feudal lords over the other planets of the Pardus Nebula has not gained them any friends within the Administratum. But, being such a far flung system, the High Lords have allowed this practice to continue, reasoning that as long as they provide protection to the planets and continue to let the planets govern themselves then the practice is mostly harmless. Agents from both the Inquisition and the Administratum both keep a careful watch on the chapter, as to prevent any potential uprising on the Chapter’s part.

Combat Doctrines:

A

s children of the Ultramarines the Leopards Argent do not vary far from the Codex Astartes. Training in all aspects of warfare equally, as any true follower of the Codex, the only true variations lie in the supplies available to the Chapter and the structure of the Sixth and Seventh Company. Being known artificers the Leopards Argent have a greater number of power weapons and artificer items. This trend does not extend into the area of vehicles, however, as the Chapter regards that as the area of adepts of the Machine Cult. With the use of most failed recruits of the Chapter as Chapter Serfs the Leopards Argent have built up a large, elite corp of troops. These serf forces are used in correlation with the rest of the marine forces to defend both the Chapter’s ships, as well as there many small crusade keeps left dotted around the Pardus Nebula. Much like the Black Templars these Crusade Keeps, or Watch Holds as the Leopards Argent know them, are small fortresses hidden mostly throughout the Pardus Nebula. Often quickly assembled as the Leopards Argent enter new theatres of war they are used as a safe haven free from the attacks on the armies headquarters as well as maintaining an eye on systems that the Leopards have left behind.

Organisation:

O

rganised into Ten Companies as per the dictates of the Codex the Leopards Argent vary little from their primogenitors. With the standard veteran and scout companies the Chapter continues to maintain the standard number of battle and reserve companies that, with the exception of the recently rebuilt fourth company, are maintained at around full strength. One feature that does stand out compared to other codex chapters is the large fleet the Chapter maintains. The fleet, unusually large for a planet based Chapter, has more in common with the size of crusading Chapters. This is due to the Chapters only fairly recent settling on the planet from its previous crusading existence. Another side effect of this transition from fleet to world based Chapter has bee the retention of specialist bike squadrons and land speder teams. Due to the nature of the Eldar they were fighting the Chapter needed to have highly specialised fast moving troops. As such Lucian decreed that half the Sixth and Seventh Companies would be exclusively trained and fielded mounted of bikes or land speeders. Although this practice has led to highly skilled mouinted marines it leaves the Chapter's reserves of regular tactical marines at half the usual strength maintained by other odex adherent Chapters.

The 4th Company and the Legacy of the Vigilant Fury

In the recent years it has been noted that the light of the Astronomican has been growing dimmer. In M? an unprecedented flicker in the Astronomican caused hundreds of ships to be lost in the Warp. One such ship was the Vigilant Fury, a Leopards Argent Strike Cruiser carrying the whole Fourth Company to a conflict near the Eye of Terror. The Chapter sought for their missing ship in vain until, In M41 the Vigilant Fury was found by Imperial Navy ships on patrol near the Storm of the Emperor’s Wrath. The Leopards Argent sent an elite force to board the ship and when they arrived they found the ship empty. After a period of mourning it was declared a new Fourth Company would be made. Although the fate of the previous Fourth Company remains unknown the new Fourth, under Brother Captain Kedros, has finally reached full strength again and is ready to wage war in the Leopards Argent's name.

The Chapter’s First Company, although mostly identical to other Codex Chapters, continues a proud tradition from the earliest days of the Chapter. Regarded as often a bodyguard force for the Chapter Master, as well as the main hammer of Leopards Argent force, these warriors were affectionately regarded as the “claws of the Leopard” by the first Chapter Master Lucian. As such these heoric warriors have taken the maxim of “ The Leopard's Claws” and often feature stylised leopard printing on their power fists and lightning claws.

Beliefs:

L

ucian Ishild believed strongly in the idea of unity through diversity. That if the Imperium was to stand then all its separate cultures must work together. During his time as Chapter Master he started to form his Chapter in this ideal and his successors have followed his example. Recruiting from many of the worlds both in the Pardus Nerbula and occasionally other planets the Leopards continue to take in recruits from many different cultures. Each recruit brings with them the various cultural practices from their homeworld and many of these cultural quirks survive into the recruit’s induction into the 10th Company and beyond. Thus it is the duty of the Leopards' Chaplains to monitor these cultural trends to ensure they do not weaken the Chapter or, worse, spread the taint of Chaos to the Leopards' ranks. Some of these cultural rights, such as the totem worship of the island world Fyos, are declared hazardous to the Chapter and the recruits are mind scrubbed or simply released from service on a distant world and the planet then being declared an unfit world for recruitment. Others, such as the ritualised combat of the jungle death world of Ashalt or the protective tattoos of the ashworld Zahn have become accepted in the Chapter and in some cases wide spread.

Such a practice is, however, regarded as somewhat lax by many members of the Inquisition, particularly both the Ordo Hereticus, who fear for the sanctity of the Chapter’s cult, and the Ordo Xenos, whom fear the possibility of the influence of xeno customs on various planets. Although the Chapter recently soothed some minds with its valiant and self sacrificing defence of the shrine world Adytum, there are some within the Inquisition whom whisper darkly about the Chapter, keeping a close watch for any signs of taint.

Athough it can be said that the culture of the Leopards Argent is fractured and divided the purpose of the Chapter is not. United by a desire to protect the people of the Imperium the Leopards Argent are quick to respond if citizens of the Imperium, particularly those that they consider under their personal ‘protection’, come under threat. Together they believe that the each and every citizen of the Imperium is important and deserves protection. This was demonstrated no more clearly during the battle of Tyrant’s Gate when Captain Tharas of the First Company personally held off a horde of orks whilst the station’s civilian population could be evacuated.

Geneseed:

F

orged from the children of Gulliman the Leopards Argent carry the legacy of the Ultramarines, although through several chapters from the original primogenitor. Although the Ultramarine geneseed is as pure as it is stable the Leopards Argent are beginning to discover slight failures in some of their implants, namely the Omophagea and the Betcher’s Gland. This has caused some alarm amongst the Apothecaries of the Chapter whom seek to discover the cause for this failure and try to halt it before organs begin to fail completely and the problems become wide spread. Many in the Chapter, including the Chapters Chief Librarian Ulas have blamed the problem on the Chapter's mixed recruit base. Stating that clearly some people were too weak to join the Chapter and their weakness has caused the failure in the implants. This belief has started to cause tensions in the Chapter over those whom remain loyal to Lucian's plan and those whom feel that Ulas is right and the Chapter should isolate only a few worlds to recruit from.

Battlecry:

“Fear the Leopard's claws!” has become increasingly common amoungst the ranks of the Leopards Argent, although once it was only used by the Chapter’s 1st Company. Whilst fighting Eldar the battlecry of “ Remember Xadum!” is occasionally used.

[Hrvat]

An interesting and very broad start (I like that) which can be moulded nicely into what ever you might intend.

 

A few questions to answer:

 

 

Is their world inhabited now (apart from the SM and their serfs) and why did this Iron Age civilisation go puff? - the second part of the question can be developed into a little spice for the background but can also stay unanswered.

 

 

You have tied kroot to your story, does that mean you have inisioned Caliga in the galactic South-east?

 

 

Why would marines want to use their serfs as combatants when they are much more valuable doing other stuff, what is forcing Marines to reach for that reasource?

 

 

Taking "barbaric" religions is a dangerous thing, are these religions in any way linked with the general worship of the Emperor?

 

 

 

At the moment I believe that anwsering these questions for now would do a lot on streamlinging your idea for the chapter.

 

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Hrvat

[Brother Argent]

Thanks for the reply Hrvat, fastest reply for me ever here in Liber. I always like to hear back from people regarding my latest crazy idea. Okay so to answer your questions:

 

1: No, other then the marines, their serfs and other support staff the planet is unattended. In regards to why the civilisation disappeared, I'm not sure but I'll work on that. I don't want the usual Chaos came and ate everyone idea. I'm thinking something less xeno or traitor and more... natural...

 

2: Not origionally, but I think I will. The galatic south east is an area riddled with conflict so I think that might be ideal.

 

3: Well there isn't an exact reason as to why yet. I was thinking of something along the lines of if the aspirants are able to get to through the trials required to be selected and then make it to the monastary, the Chapter probably wouldn't want them just to work as janitors if they fail. (Thats what servitors are for). I might tone this back a bit with the serfs being combatants that aren't used all to much. Hmm, back to the schemeatorium with this one.

 

4: Some perhaps but not really. Being far from the light of HOly Terra and the reach of the Inquisition the religions of the area have kinda moved away from worship of the big E. Instead I'm thinking that some religions are devolved forms of Imperial Creed, others have forgotten the Emperor entirely. The Leopards Argent themselves see the Emperor and the PRimarchs as distant figures, great warriors and, perhaps indeed prophets, but not as figures worthy of god-worship. More standards to aspire to.

 

So, I hope that helps. Thanks again for the reply and I'll return to the schemeatorium to further refine this idea, and perhaps give them a history. Oh and coding, I'll make this thing look spiffy if its the last thing I do.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Oh and coding, I'll make this thing look spiffy if its the last thing I do.

 

First up, that should be the last thing on your mind, all things considered. Though I must admit it does make a nice IA much more pleasing on the eye. Or it can do, when well implemented, but I digress.

 

3: Well there isn't an exact reason as to why yet. I was thinking of something along the lines of if the aspirants are able to get to through the trials required to be selected and then make it to the monastary, the Chapter probably wouldn't want them just to work as janitors if they fail. (Thats what servitors are for). I might tone this back a bit with the serfs being combatants that aren't used all to much. Hmm, back to the schemeatorium with this one.

 

The fact is less on the duties they perform and them being thankful that they are allowed to serve the chapter at all, in whatever aspect. Humility in Duty to me is a large part of service in any organisation as no larger part can perform without the smaller, more mundane duties. Also servitors lack the capacity for lateral thinking. Serfs maintain the chapters ships, the armoury, their fortresses (if they have more than one) and are trained in the ways of war to be formidable enemies. They are far more than janitors.

 

Despite them being formidable fanatical warriors, Hrvat is right, most chapters would not use their serfs for frontline duties unless terribly pushed, or on the defensive. Such as if they are boarded, then the enemy must not only fight the Space Marines themselves, but the serfs as well, which makes boarding marine ships a prickley proposition.

 

On the colour scheme, it's not too leopard like, how does the Leopard tie in with the theme of the chapter? Simply because at the moment neither the colours, nor the character of the chapter seems to be relative of the name you have chosen.

 

You have tied kroot to your story, does that mean you have inisioned Caliga in the galactic South-east?

 

The Kroot are mercenaries, not just for the Tau so it is easily put for them to be present in other areas of the galaxy.

[Brother Argent]

Ah the Leopards issue. The colour scheme etc of this chapter is based on the Izzard (or Isod) Family heraldry, thus my heraldry. The Heraldry is six vert (green) leopard heads on an argent (silver) field. The Chapter symbol will be a leopards face as found on the heraldry (just have to find a good image of it). The reason I decided to go halfed colour scheme where my family heraldry isn't is I thought that plain silver marines might look a bit dull and so took some creative lisence.

 

Thanks for the comments so far anyway, I have to think further on this Chapter Serf thing. I might dump the idea entirely, as it is more of a carry over from a fleet based Chapter that I had formed earlier.

 

Oh and the reason I stuck the coding is was that I find that Ia that look a bit spiffy and are broken up by bright shiny headings tend to attract more readers and, thus, more helpful comments and criticism. This is the first IA I've added coding to, the last five tries I haven't done any. Thought I might try it, helps keep me commited to, as opposed to just wandering off to my next project, a Chaos IA. ;)

 

Thanks again for the comments, every bit of criticism (hopefully) helps.

[Brother Argent]

So added a bit more (Origins, Battlecry) as well as did a bit of editing and polishing. Hope to add some more soon including sidebars and a map of the Nebula, as well as the Chapter Symbol, if I can get it to work.

 

Criticism and comments are always greatly appreciated as I hope to one day submit this to the Librarium.

 

Thanks again to all my previous readers and look forward to your comments.

[Brother Argent]

*Bump*

 

I hate doing that. Reading through this I know it needs a LOT of polish. Was hoping to get some ideas or feed back here since my last edit. I've got a few rough ideas but someone else's view would help.

[Brother Argent]

Okay so despite the fact that I ended up with absolutely no comments after the edit (or perhaps because of this) I decided to completely rewrite the Leopards ARgetnIA, adding a deeper level of detail as well as change some things, like getting rid of most of the Chapter Serf thing. I'm in the process of reworking the IA but any who are interested (I'm guessing no-one...) can tell me what they think to help the process along, and help me get a better product in the end.

[Codex Grey]

I know the feeling of no comments. You can find comfort in the fact that it usually means that there isn't as many flaws to point out.

 

There are two instances in the IA where I'm not sure what the purpose is. First in the Origins, you say the Chapter Master is taken by Eldar slavers. Then you later tell us about the 4th company disappearing in the warp. What does this add to the Chapter? Is this supposed to leave room for some stories in the future?

 

Origins: Aside from what I already mentioned, this section seems a bit rushed. I mean it's one big paragraph that doesn't really say too much. I would split the section into to two or more paragraphs and also use the section to summarize what the Chapter is all about, what they are known for; their 'theme' if you will.

 

Also, I'm not too familiar with the eldar, but how many craftworlds are there?

 

Homeworld: With a lifeless homeworld I would expect at least some mentioning of how they get their recruits.

 

Combat Doctrine: You mentioned speed in the origins, maybe you could elaborate on that here. Aside from that this looks good; some nice quirks but still Codex.

Has the many years of crusading affected their doctrine? Maybe you could tie in the Watch Holds with the recruitment?

 

One thing though, remove the name dropping. It only distracts from your Chapter.

 

Beliefs: I like the idea of viewing the Emp and the Primarchs as distant figures. But I'm slightly confused about what your trying to say about the different cults. A Chapter can only have one cult or it would fall apart. It needs something to fight for, a purpose. Recruiting from many different cultrures with different religions, yes, that could work and is quite cool, but when they join the Chapter they need to be united under a single belief system.

 

Since they view the Emp as a distant figure(but almost as prophets) , maybe they fight for his idea of uniting humanity instead of just fighting for Him, as many Chapters actually do. That could be the core belief of the Chapter, the one thing that unites the all the different cultures under one Chapter.

 

Also, this sentance 'The Chaplains, instead of being ministers of the God-Emperor...' is kinda wrong, since they usually aren't. Marines usually see the Emp as just a man not a God. I think if you go for my idea above, the Chaplains would play an important part in preaching of this idea, of their purpose as marines.

 

Hope I've been helpful.

[Brother Argent]

Thank you Codex Grey, I shall build a shrine to your greatness and name you as a god...

 

Uh, what I mean is thank you for the critique. You raise some good points which, thankfully, I have addressed in my re-write. Others, such as the whole "Why does things in the Chapter keep disappearing?" thing, which I actually am thinking of tying together, along with briefly hinting at the reason for the disappeared civilisation.

 

In regards to the mixed Chapter Cult, you have a good point, one which I must return to the Schemeatorium to fix.

 

In regards to the Eldar Craftworlds, I believe there were a reasonable amount of craftworlds that escaped the birth of Slaneesh, but most were really small, almost like flying towns, or something. I wonder what the other fluff buffs think of that one :D

 

Oh and I don't mean to sound like a fool here, but what do you mean by "name dropping"? I'm not sure if you mean the amount of names I've included or if most are related to Leopards.

 

Thanks again for your comments, I hope to get this re-written and reborn asap.

[Telveryon]

Much like the Black Templars these Crusade Keeps, or Watch Holds as the Leopards Argent know them, are small fortresses hidden mostly throughout the Pardus Nebula. Often quickly assembled as the Leopards Argent enter new theatres of war they are used as a safe haven free from the attacks on the armies headquarters as well as maintaining an eye on systems that the Leopards have left behind.

This is what Codex Grey means by name dropping. You openly admit that you've copied the Black Templar something that's a bit frowned about here in the Liber. It can be easily be fixed by removing the Black Templar reference, just say they keep those holds from their crusading days and everything should be fine.

[Brother Argent]

Thank you, now de-name-dropping. In fact at the current moment in my new version I haven't even mentioned the Keeps yet, but I haven't done much so I suppose I'll get there.

[Codex Grey]

Thank you Codex Grey, I shall build a shrine to your greatness and name you as a god

I am Codex the Grey, Kneel before me!

 

This is what Codex Grey means by name dropping. You openly admit that you've copied the Black Templar something that's a bit frowned about here in the Liber. It can be easily be fixed by removing the Black Templar reference, just say they keep those holds from their crusading days and everything should be fine.

What he said :P Same goes for the Salamanders.

 

Others, such as the whole "Why does things in the Chapter keep disappearing?" thing, which I actually am thinking of tying together, along with briefly hinting at the reason for the disappeared civilisation.

Sounds interesting. I hope you can turn this into something cool.

 

I think this Chapter has potential to be something interesting, and I like the story behind the heraldry and the fact that they don't look like leopards. Still, the leopard angle could tie in with their preference of speed.

 

Edit: one thing though; purple eyes and helmet pipes? ^_^

[Brother Argent]

Edit: one thing though; purple eyes and helmet pipes?

 

You would be surprised how well this actually looks. It contrasts well with the metallic green and silver. Hopefully I'll get some up to date pictures in the Hall of Honour so you can see.

 

That and the fact that purple is my fav colour and I was origionally going to have purple marines, before I went with the whole Family Heraldry thing.

 

EDIT: Just added my revised version of the Origins section and decoded the areas I haven't edited. Also got rid of the marine colour scheme as I intend on doing a new one, well a proper IA one if I can, with the Marine and the Terminator and the Chapter Symbol. (That is going to take some work)

 

Thanks again for reading and I hope to get the Homeworld Section up before too long too.

[Brother Argent]

I just added the reworked Homeworld section. I am not 100% happy with it. In fact I just looked over the Origin Section again and realised that I still haven't really defined the Chapters "theme". In fact I'm not really sure of what the Chapter's theme will be.

 

Anyway, that will be me for a few days as I'm actually trying to relax with (hopefully) a day or two off work.

[Brother Argent]

It took a while but a re done version of the Beleifs section is up. Again I'm not happy with it. I feel that there is much more IO can do in regards to the split religion idea, but I'm not sure what.

 

Thanks again to the few who've commented.

[Codex Grey]

Well I'm glad to see you ran with my ideas, like the Chaplains. I think the beliefs are shaping up quite nicely.

 

Battle Brothers are permitted to carry on the worship of their native planet. This mixed religion, many of whish hold no reverence of the Emperor is deeply frowned upon by the Inquisition, particularly the Ordo Hereticus and the Chapter had undergone the scrutiny of several Inquisitors

 

I'm still a bit on the fence, because to me they are still a bit too divided. I think you should focus on having a Chapter that unites several different cultures under one banner. Having the marines continue the worship of their native planet after being inducted into the Chapter just begs to cause internal trouble. Plus, I think the Inquisition would do more than just frown. IIRC the Steel Cobras were a chapter that worshipped the Emperor as a animal-totem. They were declared heretics and became renegades, even though they effectively worshipped the emperor and were fighting for him. Now, a Chapter with several different religions, some of which don't even have anything to do with the Emperor, I think that would be too much for the Inquisition.

 

I would have the Leopards recruit from a wide range of cultures, some even boardering on heretical. But when a recruit joins the Chapter, they learn 'the thruth' , and the purpose of the Astartes. From there on out, the marine will focus on bettering himself as a warrior, and things like worship will be of little importance. The Inquisition will have a problem with the Leopards recruitment, but they can't really bring down the Chapter.

 

You might think, what's the point of having all these different cultures when they don't matter once the recruits are inducted. IMHO the way the Leopards unite all humans, no matter culture or religion, is unique and characterful enough to set them apart from another run of the mill Chapter. And although say... recruits from the tribal world of Illium II can't worship the great hedgehog Gul'arch, maybe the tribal tattoos that are supposed to give the wearer strength are over time adopted by the Chapter, and maybe the staff duels of the Melcor Clans is adopted as a way of training and settling feuds. These are just examples, but I think you can use this to the give the Chapter a number of cool quirks, that reflects the different cultures from wich they recruit from.

[Guest Mordray]

There is an interesting phenemon that I've known about for a few years but was recently returned to the fro of my mind by a recent show I watched... magnetic pole switching...

 

It's happened on earth before and will happen again... relatively soon I believe as well... when it does happen the magnetosphere dissipates and the all that nasty radiation from our son makes it to the surface... fairly nasty way to die off but it could work for you as by time your chapter arrives the world would have recovered, just as ours has countless times in the past, without it's human inhabitants... I don't believe we were around the last time, but then I don't know when the last time was.

[voi shet magir]

The Leopards Argent see the Emperor and the Primarchs as distant figures. Legends from a time since past. Although they revere these figures as their forefathers, perhaps even as great prophets, they place little stock in worship or, in some cases, even reverence of them. Instead t

Cut this and replace with capital "T"

 

The paragraph after ("Although it can...") is too passive. The first sentence does not mean anything, except to refute itself. You should emphasize one idea, that they like heterogeneity, multiculturalism, or strength in diversity, or no potential should be dismissed.

[Brother Argent]

Thanks again for the comments guys. I'm liking the way you think there Codex. I may have to build that shrine to you after all. Oh and the magnetic pole shift, interesting idea there Mordray.

 

Now voi shet magir, I'm not sure what your getting at there. I can see how the section that you've highlited needs revision and rewriting, but the I consider the statement that they hold the Emperor and the Primarchs as distant figures a core part of the Chapters beleifs. I suppose the paragraph does contradict itself. I state that the Primarchs are legends or aren't revered, then say the Chapter regards them almost as prophets. I'll have to take that one back to the Schemeatorium.

 

Oh and I just notices, I don't think it is possible to put more commars in a single sentence of writing then the quoted one. I just counted 4. I know I love fractured sentences, but what was I thinking...?

[voi shet magir]

I consider the statement that they hold the Emperor and the Primarchs as distant figures a core part of the Chapters beleifs.

Therefore, you, sir, are, peremptorily, bested. ^_^

 

Integral though you may feel it, the concept is not novel or stimulating. It does not provoke any question of how that belief reconciles with the usual, because it actually is the usual. The appeal and challenge of DIY is finding space in the conventions for distinct personality.

 

Rather, lead with the inclusive parts of the chapter's beliefs. This provokes questions, because it conflicts with the usual chapter cults based around Emperor and Primarch. Follow with an explanation resolving that tension, that the primarch is not thought of in any mystical way, and cannot be the subject of a cult. His actions are inspiring and his words are law, so mythologizing him would trivialize his heroic significance as someone who bled and died and is at all valuable as a role model. A God could not be emulated or learned from.

[Brother Argent]

Wow... Thanks... Thought provoking.... I'll have to think this one over... Thanks again. Its good to actually get some critique on this. Looking back over the post I think ten out of the 16 or so posts are mine.

[Brother Argent]

Me again. Have redone the first paragraph of beleifs and added another to Origins. I, thamnks very much to Codex Grey and the others who have contributed here, begun to see a theme for the chapter that lay hidden from me before. And that theme is the idea of strength through unity. An unusual idea in the 40k future but the chapter does not handle it as some. For example they are still extremely Xenophobic. Well, apart from one of the Captains but I'm going to cover that in a story soon. ;)

 

So please, tell me what you think.

[Ace Debonair]

Having read the most recent edition of the chapter's story, I have to say I'm impressed. :rolleyes:

 

The concept of strength through diversity is a neat one in a Space Marine chapter, and is carried out pretty well.

 

Others might disagree, but I think briefly mentioning the event in which Lucian first earns the "Ishild" name could make the inheriting of the name by the later chapter masters more significant.

 

I also like the recent 'failing' of the gene-seed. Perhaps those wary of the chapter could interpret this (and preach it) as a message from the emperor against such diverse recruitment? (There could be a debate amongst some of the chapter over this, maybe?)

 

I can't find much else wrong with this. ;)

But, I am very much still an initiate here - those with more extensive knowledge of the wh40k universe may offer deeper insights.

I hope this helps, all the same.

[Codex Grey]

I'm glad to have been of assistance, Silver. It's nice to know I've helped the few times I feel I have anything to add.

 

I think the Chapter is looking pretty good. I think all the main ideas are in place, now you just need a Lexicanium to go over it find all the issues that I'm just not qualified to point out.

 

I also like the recent 'failing' of the gene-seed. Perhaps those wary of the chapter could interpret this (and preach it) as a message from the emperor against such diverse recruitment? (There could be a debate amongst some of the chapter over this, maybe?)

I think this is a good idea, Ace. You should think about adding this, Silver.