The Gulliman Heresy

[Lord Insanity]

Does nobody have anything to say?

[Lord Insanity]

[center; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">THE DEATH GUARD[/center]

Typhon the Unstoppable

Calas Typhon, Legion Master of the Death Guard, has become famed in history and legend for his actions during the Scouring. Ten thousand traitors surrounded his encampment, more arriving every day. Typhon and a small squad of Death Guard were the only thing that stood between them and total victory on the planet Jericho Prime. For seven days they assaulted his encampment, but Typhon demanded one more day before they retreated, one more day for the memory of Mortarion. So, they stood and fought, and at the last, just before midnight on the last day, the main force of Vengeance Group Primus arrived, driving the traitors back from Jericho Prime and slaughtering them all.

A Space Marine of the Death Guard


A Death Guard Terminator

T

he Primarch Mortarion landed on Barbarus, a savage world with a toxic atmosphere, ruled over by a terrible tyrant who took the Primarch Mortarion as his son. It is said that the depravities he witnessed in that tyrant's shadowed citadel marked him forever after; and indeed, Mortarion was always grim and taciturn, the easy camaraderie of the other Primarchs alien to him. Eventually, Mortarion was cast out on a whim, thrown off the mountain to his certain death. The tyrant's guards, however, underestimated his resilience, and he not only survived but prospered, growing to be a great leader of men and warrior, unifying the tribes that lived in the shadowed valleys against the Tyrant of Barbarus.

They marched upwards into the mountains, expecting death from the toxic miasma, but Mortarion gave them gas masks, and dubbed them the Death Guard, to march where angels feared to tread with dogged tenacity and grim courage. They marched upwards and upwards, towards where the air thinned and the mountaintop palace of Barbarus' ruler lay. The guards did not expect their coming, and were easily defeated, Mortarion killing the tyrant with a humble farming scythe. The Emperor arrived later, and when Mortarion was introduced to his Legion, the Dusk Raiders, he renamed them the Death Guard, in honour of those that had helped him slay the tyrant of Barbarus.

Mortarion could only really empathise with two Primarchs: Konrad Curze of the Night Lords and Horus of the Luna Wolves, later to become the Sons of Horus and after the Heresy, the Black Legion. He had a dislike of Gulliman, and an intense loyalty to Horus, whom he saw as the best candidate for Warmaster. Indeed, some observers noted that the Legions seemed to be forming into two groups; those loyal to Gulliman and those loyal to Horus, and it was feared that this might lead to civil war, but the full scope of the coming tragedy was not noticed until it was too late for any to intervene.

When Gulliman sent his message to Mortarion, he purportedly tore up the letter and had its remains burnt in a fireplace, after killing the herald and his bodyguard. His reply was simple, short and to the point, in keeping with his taciturn character -

I will not betray my Imperium.

Upon Macragge, the Death Guard fought in the final defense of the landing grounds, falling back to the dropships and managing to fully evacuate before the fusion bombs fell and destroyed the Fortress of Hera, as well as a tenth of the World Eaters and a quarter of Alpharius' Legion. They fought in the defense of the Palace, fighting on with dogged tenacity and grim relentlessness until the walls finally fell, and even then only falling back to continue the battle elsewhere. They fought to the last, standing on the ground and continuing to fire their bolters as they fell back, making the enemy pay in blood for every step they took, every inch of ground they claimed.

They had no fear, only a grim tenacity and the thought that even if they all fell, they would make the enemy pay in rivers of blood for each Marine. Their heroism was unquestioned by all, and Mortarion held the line, bolstering the courage of his men and ordering them to stand their ground, holding the line even in the depths of space itself.

After the Heresy, Mortarion was critically injured when the Slaaneshi Primarch Sanguinius stabbed him with a poisoned blade. Slowly dying, he requested that the Legion place him within a stasis field, declaring Calas Typhon his Legion Master and giving him the Legion's relics before entering the stasis field, where he has remained for ten millennia. Some say his wounds are slowly healing, but many doubt this, although crowds of pilgrims visit the Primarch's remains every day, and many swear that he is healing and will return.

COMBAT DOCTRINE

The Death Guard have little need for fast assault vehicles. Focusing on the primacy of the infantryman, they tenaciously hold their ground and grimly allow their foes to smash themselves to bits in futile attempts to dislodge them as they defend. When they attack, they assault in a war of attrition, slowly advancing while grimly firing their bolters, supported by tanks cruising alongside them, firing their guns at full power, a combination few foes can withstand for long.

ORGANISATION AND RECRUITMENT

The Death Guard are organised into 7 Grand Companies, each consisting of 10 Chapters of 10 Centuries of 100 men. Each Chapter is fully self-sufficient and can fight alone for extended periods, a key recognition of Mortarion's principles of dogged relentlessness. Once year, a single Marine goes to the tribes of Barbarus during the annual clan meetings, and asks the hardiest youths to go up into the mountains, giving them gas masks and enough rations of food and water for a day. After that, they must survive on their own merits. Many die in the journey, and little more than a hundred come each year. Of these, perhaps ten are fit to be Space Marines. The rest become the Serfs of the Death Guard. Barbarus' criminals become servitors, and this has led to crime becoming almost non-existent, as the Marines seem to know exactly where the criminals are, and their crimes. Anyway, once a neophyte has been given the implants and been trained, they become Scouts and are expected to fight behind enemy lines, aidinf the Death Guard from behind the scenes. After that, they become full Battle-Brothers of the Death Guard.

GENESEED

The Betcher's Gland and Sus-an Membrane have almost completely vanished from the modern Death Guard, and as such its members cannot spit acid or hibernate, but otherwise the geneseed is one of the purest.

BATTLECRY

"No relent! No remorse! No retreat!"

[Lord Insanity]

Any comments?

[Brother Emelias]

Yep. I've got a comment, but only because I see the dead and beaten horse and haven't had my turn at bat. :D

 

The intentional misspelling of Guilliman's name still irks me. It's like saying, "Ah, this glass of carburetor sure is tasty" when it was clearly made of orange juice. Sure, it's your story, but you're basing your story off of stuff that's already canon. One tends to be obligated to be as faithful as they can be without alienating the world's set reality. Think of Peter Jackson. Sure, he put out his re-telling of the LotR, but he tried as much as possible to remain faithful to the heart of everything, down to everyone's and everything's names.

 

Heck, and I'm not a fan of the Big Blue!

 

*puts the bat down and steps away from the horse*

 

Aside from that gripe, this is probably one of the best bits I've read here on TBaC. Seriously. Well done, man. I mean, sure, a lot of it doesn't read and flow like a proper novel, but the bits that count read like a proper Codex. Really, very good stuff.

[Lord Kharloth]

13/18 legions so far, keep it up i am loving this thread

 

oh and you posted the word bearer's info twice

[Lord Insanity]

[center; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">THE BLACK LEGION[/center]

A Black Legion Tactical Marine

H

orus was the first of the Primarchs to be found, landing on Cthonia, a hive-world close to Terra, and quickly rising to become planetary ruler. When he was presented to his Legion, renaming them the Sons of Horus, the Emperor thought about declaring him Warmaster, but decided not to, feeling that a more suitable candidate was needed. The Emperor later decided that that candidate was Gulliman, not bothering to investigate into the year missing from his memories, a deed that would have tragic consequences. Horus greatly disliked Gulliman and the Ultramarines, feeling that they were too arrogant for their own good, and Gulliman for his part looked down on Horus, and the two developed a rivalry that spread to the other Legions, the Astartes dividing into those who supported Horus and those who supported Gulliman, and often Legions from the two groups refused to fight alongside each other.

This rivalry grew ever greater as the Great Crusade drew to a close, to the point where even the Emperor became worried, as the future grew clouded and hidden from his sight. The divisions between the Legions finally erupted on Macragge's blood-filled fields, as the Dropsite Massacres reached a furious intensity of slaughter, Horus and his Sons leading the retreat and largely escaping the Fortress of Hera's destruction, watching from above as the fusion-bombs reduced it to a blasted crater.

They fought with distinction at the Siege of Terra, Horus sacrificing himself to slay four greater daemons, although his body was never found. Indeed, none know where his remains now lie, although the Talon of Horus was recovered from under a mound of bodies, the only remains of the Primarch.

After the Heresy, Ezekyle Abaddon, the Legion Master, renamed the Sons of Horus the Black Legion, changing their colour scheme to mourn Horus and honour his sacrifice. The Black Legion participated greatly in the Scouring, driving the Traitor Legions back to the current borders of the Black Imperium as Abaddon held the fragile Imperial together as Master of Terra and Steward of the Emperor, head of the Council of the High Lords and now, the one supreme power in the Imperium. He died as he had lived, at the head of the charge and in the thick of the foe, upon the world of Ullanor, where he fell to a gold-skinned daemon bearing a great black sword.

COMBAT DOCTRINE

The Black Legion doctrine emphasises a well-rounded force, making use of fast attack forces and tanks in unison as well as teleportation and infiltration. Squads of tactical marines are commonly used, and the Legion's strategists often work in unison with the commanders of other Legions to increase battlefield coordination. They are the archetypical Astartes Legion, fast strong, tough, and clever. They are not as skilled in the mystic arts as the Thousand Sons, nor mobile as the Emperor's Children or relentless as the Death Guard, but their sheer flexibility more than makes up for that, making them the exemplars of the Astartes.

RECRUITMENT AND ORGANISATION

The Black Legion is one of the few Legions to recruit en masse, sending their massive recruiting gangs into Cthonia's underhives and turning those who fail their stringent tests into either Servitors or Serfs, but taking the best as full Marines. They have approximately 256 Chapters, each consisting of a thousand men, and 25 Grand Companies, making them by far the greatest of the Legions.

GENESEED

The geneseed of the Black Legion is one of the purest and has all organs functioning.

BATTLECRY

"We are Legion!"

[Brother Cyph]

It's interesting to see what people come up with as answers to a question like 'what would have happened if it WASN'T Horus who turned?'.

 

My constructive criticism would be the following:

 

1. I'll start with a negative. It has been brought up before, you have spelt Guilliman wrong. It's two I's, not one. If you can get the names of every other Primarch correct, you should at least be able to get Roboute Guilliman correct. I know you said you've always read it as Gulliman, but that would just imply that you've been reading it as if you were pronouncing it. It's like US English vs UK English. US takes out the U in Colour, in Honour, because you pronounce it ending in 'or'. You could probably pronounce Guilliman as Gulliman, but if you're going to spell it that way, to pretty much all people who are familiar with the background fluff of 40k it wrecks the suspension of disbelief a little bit. Just my 0.02c adjusted for global financial crisis added on to the others who have mentionedit.
    
   And end with a positive! If you go through and changed all the Gulliman bits to Guilliman, you'd get far less comments about the spelling of his name! :pinch: ^_^
   
2. A lot of it is simply reversals and slight rewordings of previous stuff that's been around, for example the sub-text on 'Typhon the Unstoppable', which as soon as I read it went 'Codex Space Marines, 4th Edition, Imperial Fists holding off Tyranids', additionally Mortarion being placed in a stasis field after being stabbed with a poisoned blade. The idea of alternate heresies is cool and all, but it loses some of it's cool if you are just changing the characters names of who dies from what and by who. It's something you might want to consider for any future entries you do, and possibly something to go back over your previous entries and rework.
   
3. Ensure you run your stuff through a spell checker. I've seen a couple of mistakes in previous entries, only one I can track down off the top of my head is the following one:

   It is defended by thousands of orbital defense batteries, missile silos and other defnces, as befits a Space Marine Legion's homeworld.

   You have it spelt as defense in one part of the sentence, and then defnces in the other part. Just some small things like that which clash a little. Then again, I pick up errors left and right when I read things but not so much in my own writing, as is with everyone.
   

As I said, I think the idea of alternate heresies is cool, but yeah, I just thought I'd add some what I hope is constructive thoughts for you.

[Brother Emelias]

Also, to add to Brother Cyph's lite editorial criticisms, when writing, you wanna avoid at all costs repeats of the same word within the same paragraph (heck, a lot of the times, the same page!). If it's a proper noun, don't be afraid to switch to "he", "his", "its", stuff like that; Plus, if you REALLY wanna have the voice of a Codex, stay away from adding TOO many adverbs in the same sentence. Sure, it may spice up the flavor text a little, but it mostly makes the writing sound amateurish and a labored reading. Like, if you read and pay attention to the 'Dex's themselves, you'll find that though they have some flavor to them, they're don't have the face paced or flowing prose like a Black Library novel would. It tends to be... well, a manual. Right? Technical and to the point.

 

But, that's just my 2¢. I told ya the fluff's great. :lol: We wouldn't bother to criticize if we thought it sucked, cuz it doesn't. It could just be made better.

[Lord Insanity]

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A pre-Heresy Ultramarine

A

ccording to the Mythos Angelica Mortis, Roboute Guilliman landed on the rocky world of Macragge, and was soon adopted by that world's king. He soon grew to be a great warrior and leader of men, the king's heir and the eventual ruler of Macragge. That all changed when the king was killed by rebels, Guilliman wracked with sadness and grief as a holocaust of war consumed the world. When Guilliman struck back, he struck hard. Entire cities were razed to the ground just because they contained one rebel, millions killed in weeks. Those who were captured could expect nothing but torment and slavery for the rest of their short lives, or to be eaten alive by Guilliman himself. Thousands died in the war, millions more were executed, and when the war ended, Guilliman was undisputed master of Macragge. But he repressed the memories, forgetting them for the sake of his sanity.

Marneus the Accursed

Marneus the Accursed, Lord of Macragge, is one of the most bitter thorns in the Imperium's side, alongside Lysander and Logan Grimnar. Originally a renegade from the Alpha Legion, he quickly joined the Ultramarines and rapidly rose to prominence, becoming a feared leader, ruling over the daemon-world of Althax and dominating the surrounding territory with an iron fist, eventually becoming the leader of the Ultramarines in a brutal pit-fight, tearing out his opponent's throat in wanton savagery and killing him near instantly. He has led several assaults into the Imperium, and is feared as a wanton killer whose savagery knows no bounds.

He wields the daemon-sword Shadowstrike and the arcane power-weapon known as the Spear of Macragge, and his retinue includes Dark Apostle Zahariel the Black, Grand Sorcerer Gallovax the Ever-seer, Ralderon the Fallen, Sigismund the Rotted, and Bjorn the Fell-handed, each ancient veterans from an age of Heresy and darkness.

The Emperor then arrived, and pleased with his courage and leadership, declared him Warmaster. This drew Horus' ire, and soon two factions formed within the Legions; one supporting Horus, one supporting Guilliman. None could see the inevitable result appearing on the horizon, and many believed that the Great Crusade would last forever, humanity expanding ceaselessly into the wider universe.

Alas, that such things were not to be. On his way to meet with Lorgar and convince him of his faith's falsitude, Guilliman was ambushed by servants of the Grand Dominator, a xenos psyker with unparalleled ability in the field of mental domination, who gave him images of what he had done, and as his men fell about him, gunned remorselessly down, Guilliman wept. As the Grand Dominator prepared to puppet the Primarch like he had so many before him, Guilliman decapitated him with a single blow, before collapsing in a coma. During the coma, he saw images of chaos, war, billions slaughtered, all because of him. The 'spirit' of Lycius Mysander, Regent of Macragge, who had been slain in the battle, appeared before him, and told him what he really was - the destroyer of the Imperium, and beginner of a new age of Chaos and war. Shaken by this, when he woke up, he sent messages to all the Primarchs, asking that they join him and revealing the 'truth' of Chaos. The Emperor was about to reprimand the Ultramarines for lack of action when word hit him of a terrible slaughter on Kiavahr, the population massacred by the Raven Guard as they went to Macragge.

Then, before he could punish the Raven Guard, word hit the loyalist Legions that Guilliman was building his own personal empire, the core of what is now today the Black Imperium. The loyalists went to Macragge, unaware that Guilliman had already long left and that Macragge was defended by the Traitor Legions. The slaughter at the dropsites was terrible, a one-sided slaughter rapidly becoming a frantic retreat, the Night Lords surrounded and desperately trying to break through the Raven Guard envelopment, to name just one small action of the insane battle. The casualty count for the loyalists was estimated one hundred thousand, a significant proportion of the Astartes Legions at that time.

Upon Terra's ground, the Ultramarines stood back during the siege of the palace, only attacking once Magnus the Red had held back the Space Wolves, Guilliman himself standing at their head. All trace of anything resembling morality was long gone from his mind, and he was possessed with the power to challenge the Emperor Himself, his mind possessed by all four of the Dark Gods, lending him nigh-unstoppable power. It was only Magnus that managed to perform the seemingly impossible, wounding the Primarch with a mighty psychic blast, giving the Emperor a chance to defeat Gulliman.

The Emperor wept as he watched his most favoured son advance into the Chamber of the Golden Throne. There was no trace of Guilliman now. Only madness remained under his warped, possessed body now.

'Why?' he asked as Guilliman unleashed a psychic blast from his eyes, meaning clearly to kill.

A humble soldier, Ollanius Pius was his name, threw himself in front of the beam and was blasted instantly into shredded meat, blown apart and his remains scattered around the room. A single tear fell from the Emperor's eye before he raised his sword, levelling it at Guilliman and channeling the immense energies of the Warp through it, striking at one weak point, the wound that Magnus had created. The Chaos gods fled in terror from their mortal pawn as Guilliman ceased to exist in both body and soul, obliterated utterly in a single, blinding instant.

After the Heresy, the Ultramarines fled back to the Black Imperium, leaving a trail of devastation behind them, and have been terrorising the frontiers for ten thousand years.

COMBAT DOCTRINE

The Ultramarines' combat doctrine is most similar to that of the Black Legion, with whom they have an insane antipathy, so much that when they fight the two sides battle with unmatched hatred and anger. Daemons are commonly used, and marked units are used as specialist troops, giving them unparalleled flexibility and skill, a dark antithesis of the Black Legion. They recruit from the countless worlds in the Black Imperium, so draining their supply of recruits is likely to be impossible, a thing which means the Ultramarines may never be truly defeated.

BATTLECRY

"Death to the Emperor!"

[Lord Insanity]

It's interesting to see what people come up with as answers to a question like 'what would have happened if it WASN'T Horus who turned?'.

 

My constructive criticism would be the following:

 

1. I'll start with a negative. It has been brought up before, you have spelt Guilliman wrong. It's two I's, not one. If you can get the names of every other Primarch correct, you should at least be able to get Roboute Guilliman correct. I know you said you've always read it as Gulliman, but that would just imply that you've been reading it as if you were pronouncing it. It's like US English vs UK English. US takes out the U in Colour, in Honour, because you pronounce it ending in 'or'. You could probably pronounce Guilliman as Gulliman, but if you're going to spell it that way, to pretty much all people who are familiar with the background fluff of 40k it wrecks the suspension of disbelief a little bit. Just my 0.02c adjusted for global financial crisis added on to the others who have mentionedit.
    
   And end with a positive! If you go through and changed all the Gulliman bits to Guilliman, you'd get far less comments about the spelling of his name! :) :)
   
2. A lot of it is simply reversals and slight rewordings of previous stuff that's been around, for example the sub-text on 'Typhon the Unstoppable', which as soon as I read it went 'Codex Space Marines, 4th Edition, Imperial Fists holding off Tyranids', additionally Mortarion being placed in a stasis field after being stabbed with a poisoned blade. The idea of alternate heresies is cool and all, but it loses some of it's cool if you are just changing the characters names of who dies from what and by who. It's something you might want to consider for any future entries you do, and possibly something to go back over your previous entries and rework.
   
3. Ensure you run your stuff through a spell checker. I've seen a couple of mistakes in previous entries, only one I can track down off the top of my head is the following one:

   It is defended by thousands of orbital defense batteries, missile silos and other defnces, as befits a Space Marine Legion's homeworld.

   You have it spelt as defense in one part of the sentence, and then defnces in the other part. Just some small things like that which clash a little. Then again, I pick up errors left and right when I read things but not so much in my own writing, as is with everyone.
   

As I said, I think the idea of alternate heresies is cool, but yeah, I just thought I'd add some what I hope is constructive thoughts for you.

 

Thanks for being constructive. I'll probably go back and improve the first IAs.

[Lucius6]

Those who go through the testing process and survive then are assigned to one of the Pheonix Squads, which are the Legion's equivalent of Scout squads. They are led through the training and implantation process, and are expected to perform deeds of valour and courage, led by a Chaplain from the Legion.

 

You know, that sounds alot like an idea I had on another topic in The Horus Heresy forum ;) . It's fine if you use it though, I'm glad it's been put to good use. Anyway, I'm liking how this story is growing, looking foward to the next IA

[Lord Insanity]

Those who go through the testing process and survive then are assigned to one of the Pheonix Squads, which are the Legion's equivalent of Scout squads. They are led through the training and implantation process, and are expected to perform deeds of valour and courage, led by a Chaplain from the Legion.

 

You know, that sounds alot like an idea I had on another topic in The Horus Heresy forum ^_^ . It's fine if you use it though, I'm glad it's been put to good use. Anyway, I'm liking how this story is growing, looking foward to the next IA

 

Good to see you like it.

[The Broker]

I quite like your alternate heresy, but I feel that there are too many cameos of famous characters from the canon - it makes it feel too much like a tribute!

 

Feel free to make your own characters, famous heresy-era characters could be just as easily mentioned as dying in an attempt to prevent their legion from falling to Chaos.

 

As it is now, it just seems to be, Good Character becomes Bad and Bad Character becomes Good.

[Lord Insanity]

I quite like your alternate heresy, but I feel that there are too many cameos of famous characters from the canon - it makes it feel too much like a tribute!

 

Feel free to make your own characters, famous heresy-era characters could be just as easily mentioned as dying in an attempt to prevent their legion from falling to Chaos.

 

As it is now, it just seems to be, Good Character becomes Bad and Bad Character becomes Good.

 

Well, I'll try to remedy that when I post the edited versions of the IAs.

[Lord Insanity]

Edited version of the Emperor's Children IA:

[center; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">THE EMPEROR'S CHILDREN[/center]

"We are His Children" - Fulgrim.

With a perfectionist ideology, a haughty attitude and a combat record to match, the Emperor’s Children are one of the most effective tools of the Emperor's vengeance, but are marred by a dark shame in their history.

The Laeran Campaign

Upon the accursed world of Laeran, the Emperor's Children performed their most famous victory, over the xenos Laer, who claimed that they had achieved perfection, drawing Fulgrim's righteous ire. Imperial Strategos estimated that any force sent to subdue the Laer would be walking in blood for decades, but Fulgrim ordered their extermination in one month.

The Laer used the countless modified variants of their species to hinder the campaign, but the skillful apothecaries of the Emperor's Children enabled their Battle-Brothers to survive wounds that should have been mortal, but the Laer fought harder and harder, upon space stations, in cities of Xenos coral, under mountains, in the freezing clouds, and in undersea habitats. The last of the Laer fell in one of their heathen shrines three days before the month was up. Fulgrim declined to tour the site despite being told of its haunting beauty, and had it pounded to dust, along with every remnant of Laeran culture.

S

o concerned were the Ruinous Powers by the Emperor’s plan to create the Primarchs that they stole the infants away and scattered them throughout the galaxy. But not even this could deflect the fate of Fulgrim. He landed on Chemos, a barren world ruined by forgotten wars, its people scavengers who lived only for survival, each day a battle for existence. That all changed when Fulgrim landed. Within five decades, the people of Chemos were self-sufficient, and Fulgrim was their leader, ruling from the capital hive. Due to a devastating catastrophe with the geneseed, when Fulgrim met with his Legion, they were only 200 in number, but Fulgrim planned to change that soon.

In front of the massed Terran dignitaries and even the Emperor, Fulgrim addressed his newfound warriors, saying: “We are His children. Let all who look upon us know this. Only by imperfection can we fail him. We are the Emperor’s Children, and we will not fail him.”

The meeting between Gulliman and Fulgrim was barely cordial, each side glaring at each other with barely-hidden contempt. The Ultramarines were incredibly arrogant, feeling that they had already acheived perfection in the arts of war, and that Fulgrim was a feeble pretender to Gulliman's position as Warmaster. Fulgrim for his part disliked the Ultramarines intensely, feeling that they had no true loyalty to the Imperium, and both sides developed a fierce rivalry that extended to every action they performed.

Such were the seeds of tragedy sown.

A Tactical Marine of the Emperor's Children.

Upon Macragge, the Emperor's Children suffered heavy losses, Fulgrim among them, slain by Ferrus Manus as he tried to slow down the assault. The tattered remnants of the Legion retreated to Terra, a few Companies returning to Chemos to safeguard it. The result was devastating. The Traitor Legions poured in massive hordes, and the Emperor's Children were forced to try and evacuate Chemos as it was virus-bombed by the Salamanders, reducing it to a desert wasteland where little could survive, its remaining population reduced once more to scavengers, living on the edge of survival outside the sealed-off hives.

Billions died that day, and the Emperor's Children know it as the Great Shame, a terrible black mark on their honour that they must constantly repent from by killing the Emperor's enemies, while endlessly praying for atonement. It is for this reason that the Emperor's Children and their successors call themselves the 'Unforgiven', and why their striving for perfection is ceaseless - it is to expunge the shame on their honour, and perhaps, claim vengeance.

COMBAT DOCTRINE

The Emperor's Children focus primary on lightning attacks and surgical strikes, each battle-brother incredibly skilled with the bolter and chainsword, preferring not to spend valuable personnel on attrition warfare and thus being skilled with lightning raids and surgical strikes. Jetbikes are commonly used, the STC being recovered by the Legion itself, and most squads of non-jump pack-equipped infantry are mounted in Rhinos. Fellblades are rarely used, the Emperor's Children seeing them as not necessary in war. Jump packs are even sometimes used on Tactical Marines, such is their preference for speed and mobility,

Perhaps their greatest peculiarity is their use of sonic weaponry, which are commonly mounted on tanks and dreadnoughts, despite being most associated with the Slaaneshi Blood Angels. This technology is seen as a dead end in most parts of the Imperium, being hard to repair instead of robust and reliable like most Imperial weaponry, and more than one fool from the Frateris Templars or Imperial Army has muttered about heresy when encountering Emperor's Children weaponry.

RECRUITMENT AND ORGANISATION

The Emperor's Children recruit from a half-dozen worlds, from ice-wastes to city-planets, but most often the techno-scavengers of Chemos, who not only survive in the endless desert but actually thrive, surrounded by mutant beasts, boiling temperatures, and incredibly dangerous terrains that can give even Astartes pause. The Legion takes its Initiates from the youngest, most promising fighters, abducting them in the dead of the coldest nights, and taking them to the Fortress of Eagles, an orbiting space-station that is their Fortress-Monastery, replacing their original's burnt-out ruins.

There they are tested for absolute purity in body and mind. If they fail, they are either turned into servitors, a lowly fate, or made into Serfs, which is treated as a great honour by the Emperor's Children, almost as high as becoming a Marine itself. Those who go through the testing process and survive then are assigned to one of the Pheonix Squads, which are the Legion's equivalent of Scout squads. They are led through the training and implantation process, and are expected to perform deeds of valour and courage, led by a Chaplain from the Legion. If they survive this phase, they then join the Aquila Squads, which are the equivalent of Tactical Squads, and may go on to join Devastator, Assault, or Veteran Squads as their talents or battle honours dictate.

The Legion is divided into 107 Chapters, second only to the Sons of Horus' 256, each led by a Chapter Master, who are commanded by the Legion Master, and are scattered throughout the Imperium, fighting its enemies wherever they are to be found and constantly raiding into the Black Imperium's defenses. Indeed, Chemos sits on the frontier with the Black Imperium, and its defense is their highest priority after the Great Shame.

A bizarre flaw in their geneseeed gives the Marines of the Emperor's Children incredibly long life, and their current Legion Master, Lictorius, has lived for 1500 years.

GENESEED

The Emperor's Children geneseed is the purest in the galaxy, as befits the Emperor's Children. However, a tiny, almost undetectable flaw exists within, giving the Marines created from it much longer lives. It is said by some that this flaw appeared after the Fall of Chemos, when the great shame of the Emperor's Children occurred, but others say no. The answer is unknown.

BATTLECRY

The Emperor's Children battlecry is simple - "Remember Chemos! Let the shame be expunged!

[Lord Insanity]

Any comments?

[Sigismund Himself]

Gulliman's mind blanked out that terrible year, that was known on Macragge before its destruction as the 'time of woe'.

This is a really weak point. How could Guilliman blank it out and not get reminded of it by everyone around him, if they're calling it the 'time of woe'?

 

Impressed by his courage and leadership ability, the Emperor quickly declared Gulliman Warmaster and left for Terra.

Why not Horus, like in the Real 'Verse? You have to really explain the change better. You've also lost a great deal of perspective and scale in the way you've presented it. It's like everything happening is in permanent fast forward :whistling: There needs to be a bit more about what happens between the key events, not the rushed style that currently happening

 

In the battle, the Dominator gave Gulliman visions of what he had done, but he was unshaken. Immediately after decapitating the Dominator, Gulliman fell into a coma for three days, during which the gods of Chaos sent daemons to corrupt him. He was shown the full, terrible horror of what he had done, the terrible slaughters he had committed, and told this was what he truly was - the destroyer of the Imperium. Gulliman soon believed this.

This is really not well explained at all. He's already been shown what happened in that terrible year but when someone else shows it to him, then everything changes? How does it turn him to Chaos?

 

Immediately after this, shaken to the core, he sent his heralds to all of the 18 Legions. They were to go to Macragge and pledge themselves to his dark crusade.

Not the best way to go about a Heresy. It really doesn't make much sense to suddenly just yell out "I think our father's wrong and have you met these friends of mine, the Chaos Gods?"

 

It emerged that Rogal Dorn had taken to Nurgle's worship, renaming his Chapter the Plague Fists, while Sanguinius had fallen to Slaanesh and Leman Russ to Khorne. The Dark Angels became the priests of Chaos Undivided, while Corax served Tzeentch and the Salamanders became 'the Hammer of Chaos', siege-breakers whose skill in destruction knew no bounds. The Ultramarines became the core of this Black Imperium, an empire of evil that survives to this very day, while the Iron Hands fused themselves to daemon-machines.

You need to make your lying out of what the Legions turned into a little more subtle.

 

Mars fell to the Traitors almost at the beginning of the Heresy, its leaders swayed by Gulliman's charisma

Yet the Mechanicus viewed the Emperor as a god. Charisma won't help that much.

 

It took them approximately 60 days to breach the palace gates, during which the Sons of Horus, Night Lords and Thousand Sons Legions arrived to bolster the loyalists

Why weren't they there already? They got the message from Guilliman with all the other legions. The traitors had to fight through loyalists to get to Terra and yet they beat these guys to the Siege? Doesn't make sense to me.

 

Apart from what's listed, it really does need a bit more explanation and expansion. There's some good ideas in there.

[Dragoth Night Haunter]

A Very Good bit off reading there :lol: Nice going there keep it up

[Dragoth Night Haunter]

A Very Good bit off reading there :lol: Nice going there keep it up

 

'How The Mighty Have Fallen' Night Haunter/ Zho Sahaal

'Ave Dominus Nox' Zho Sahaal/ Night Haunter

[DimSim]

Okay heres my comment, all though I hate what you've done to the loyalists I have to admit that its for the most part beautifully written.

[Lord Insanity]

Okay heres my comment, all though I hate what you've done to the loyalists I have to admit that its for the most part beautifully written.

 

The next IA that goes up should be the Dark Angels one.