IA: The White Hand

[Grand Master Tyrak]

And here it is: Index Astartes: The White Hand.

[Ace Debonair]

That's cool. :D

 

Let me be the first to offer congratulations to Ecritter for successfully writing such a compelling story and getting it into the Librarium.

 

Congratulations!

:devil:

[Ecritter]

Thanks for everything ... that's for everyone.

[Apothete]

Purely grammatical, spelling, or structural issues:

 

The Order of the White Hand are devout worshipers of the god-Emperor born of harsh and humble beginnings. From their base on Zel Primus, word of the Order and its pious teachings are well known to those in power in the Imperium and after centuries of dedicated service they were given the honor of serving as warriors of the divine Emperor.

 

The opening sentence seems contrived and doesn't really roll off the tongue when spoken aloud, though I'm not entirely sure how to rescue it without a complete rewrite. This continues into the second sentence as well, since I'm not really sure why you even mention their bases, only to go on and tack on two completely unrelated clauses. Remove either of the subclauses and read the sentence to see if it makes sense.

 

From their bases on Zel Primus, word of the Order and its pious teachings are well known to those in power in the Imperium.

 

While this is probably technically sound, it doesn't say anything and has the superfluous ending.

 

Now, look at the other one.

 

From their bases on Zel Primus, after centuries of dedicated service they were given the honor of serfving as warriors of the divine Emperor.

 

Once again, neither clause really stands on its own and they don't combine well.

 

What was the intended purpose of this paragraph, why are the additional flourishes thrown in there if not to pad out the word count, and why wouldn't you just break this up into the component parts rather than jamming them together?

 

Separated from humanity, lest their belief spread like a cancer throughout the galaxy.

 

This is a sentence fragment.

 

It was hoped that, left to their own demise, they would rid the Imperium of the very threat they had once been by killing each other.

 

Left to their own demise, they would kill each other? Isn't that a little redundant?

 

They were huge, towering, brutes of immense strength and speed.

 

You have too many commas here.

 

As the years passed, the movement they'd begun became more a religion within the inmate population, They became imprisoned monks and in time most of the inmate population became followers and true believers.

 

I've bolded for inappropriate capitalization. This sentence also doubles up on the "as X passed" usage that you have in the previous paragraph, only one or two lines ahead of it.

 

Forged on the long forgotten penal world of Zel Primus, the Order of the White Hand was born.

 

This is clunky and should probably be rewritten.

 

For a thousand years after the Great Teachers past on to their after lives, serving the Emperor's will, the Order flourished on Zel Primus.

 

Unless I'm very mistaken, I believe that you'll find that they "passed" on to their "afterlives."

 

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I'll do some more later, since I'm running out of time.