IA: Night Scorpions

[gil galed]

I see a post by Oct., i'm both excited (because it means comments) and scared (because it'll be brutal)....

 

 

commence the reading

 

edit: i'll post responses in here, not a needless response

 

edit: Yup with a quick read through it was, ... quote response time

 

The Night Scorpions are a young Chapter who have garnered a reputation as a sturdy force who excel in drop pod assaults and arctic warfare. Children of the Crimsons fists they are currently dedicated to helping their parent chapter in the reductus sector following the incursion of Waaagh Snagrod which decimated Rynn’s World.

 

Don't insert your chapter so obtrusively. Feels like you're trying to make your chapter cool by association.

 

Yeh fair enough, probably a bit clingy anyway, Pedro's probably to Mariney to accept aid,

 

The Night Scorpions were formed in the 26th Founding 738.M41 with the modus operandi of plugging a perceived threat of xenos incursion in the Reductus Sector between the chapters of the Crimson Fists, The Marines Exemplar and the Dark Hunters.

 

More namedropping. Only draws attention to how unofficial your chapter is.

 

To be frank, trying to make your chapter a part of the universe almost encourages the rejection of it as a part. Just make your chapter. Don't worry about how they get along with other chapters and things of that nature - the character of your chapter should be presented in sufficient depth for that to be apparent.

 

I didn't think this was that bad, i mean i'm setting the scene rather than saying anything link wise, just a establishment of geographically where they are on the map and their surrounding chapters, is it really that bad?

 

Some surrounding Chapters initially seemed to resent their presence, presumably wondering why another chapter was needed in the area. This view was particularly prevalent among the Dark Hunters Chapter who felt that the Night Scorpions creation was a slight to their operational capacity owing to the fact that they had still failed to cripple the Chaos renegade faction known as ‘The Punishers’. However the Night Scorpions were quick to follow the example set forth by the Ultramarines in Ultramar, engaging with the local populaces of the surrounding systems and quickly receiving their undeniable support as they walked amongst the people. No explicit objections have been raised since.

 

So the official chapter resented yours in an attempt to compensate for their own inadequacies, but shut up after it became clear that all the people liked your chapter better?

 

Dude...

 

Well i wasn't trying to say that they were better, just that when they succeeded in establishing themselves the complaints stopped, but i can see what you mean... but the Dark hunters are rubbish :P , how'd have a single colour paint scheme? So basically they shouldn't have any references at all to established chapters?

 

Commander Atlas

Formerly Veteran Sergeant Atlas of the Crimson Fist’s 3rd Company Atlas is the most senior member of the Night Scorpions and the only member of the training cadre to remain after the Chapters inception.

 

Either get rid of this or add to it. At the moment, it's too short and not particularly interesting.

 

Well the story would seem a bit lame with a commander no one knows (or so people said), what more information do you think should be around? I mean any hints?

 

In 867.M41...Necrons had been destroyed or scattered without a leader.

 

Again, adds little to the character of the chapter, but a lot to the word count.

 

Well it establishes their first major conflict, creates the fighting conditions for them, and is why they have a different codex structure...

 

Since the massive blast from the Alpha III Delta Incident the planet has been thrown out of orbit with it’s sister world Cleon. The explosion stripped much of Paethon’s atmosphere away, and what was left on the other side of the world was slowly lost within a few months. The Astartes undertook a huge effort to relocate those human inhabitants of the world that survived to Cleon, along with a handful of the planets wildlife including the Scorpion so that Paethon’s initiation rites might continue. The lop sided planet still rotates haphazardly, it’s light cycles taking up to 6 terran days to complete. A series of strong human tribes human tribes has since taken root on Cleon, adapting quickly to their new world and the inhabitants already there.

 

To a certain extent, the extra world kinda eliminates any loss that might be felt due to the destruction of the home world - oh, it's OK, they had a spare!

 

Well i'd imagine they're still gonna be a bit annoyed, i mean if we colonized mars and then someone nuked earth i'd be pretty angry even if we did save lots of the Terrans, in the first version clearly they only had one planet with the whole night/day thing but we decided geo-science and all it wouldn't work so i've added a planet because i still wanted them to recruit ect. but also have a nice snow planet. Maybe if i throw in numbers like 70% casualty rate or 30% survivor rate it might be better?

 

The Night Scorpions were raised from Crimson Fist geneseed and thus The Imperial Fists. Unlike their progenitor chapter, they deviate significantly from the Codex Astartes in Chapter organization. The Chapter is organized into ten wings, each of these is raised from different clans on their home world of Cleon, then made responsible for their own equipment and recruiting. This means that each of the wings can operate on an independent level if need be. The first four wings each have two five man squads of terminators, the second four wings have access to one five man squad each, while the last two wings have yet to receive any suits. Scouts squads are present in each Wing with more squads within those wings lacking terminator suits.

 

Why would they adopt a non-codex formation? These things need a cause.

 

Looks at story oct. said was a waste of space...looks at non codex reasoning... wonders what to do :o

 

Since the...the Inquisition.

 

Again, lots of words, no insight.

 

Insight into? it surely shows a relationship with the inquisition and just some backstory to them

 

The ultimate Doctrine, like many marines, is that attack will provide strong defence, plunging quickly to the heart of the enemy and eradicating them before it can react or sectioning off small groups for destruction. This has proved hugely effective throughout the years and vital in many of their theatres of war.

 

This is far better than the two massive paragraphs which precede it - Combat Doctrine is their attitude to war, why they fight, and their general principles - not a blow by blow description of their tactics.

 

A complement hallelujah :P

 

The Night Scorpions Gene-Seed is by all means normal, though like all Son’s of Dorn they lack the Betcher's gland and Sus-An. No further defects have currently been found with it save that there have been reports of a strong Ossmodula resulting in nearly unbreakable bones. This however is unconfirmed and should be treated as false unless confirmed to be true, none of the Chapter Council has given any word on this either way and the Inquisition has yet to order any investigation.

 

All Space Marines have nearly unbreakable bones. Kinda the point of the Ossmodula.

 

Yeh it's getting cut

 

The Night Scorpions value hardiness and versatility above all us, only marines with these qualities can stand up to the struggle of living in the intense heat of the jungle and then operating as an Astartes in the intense cold of the snow. The youth of the Scorpions has also led to a huge belief in perseverance to succeed and a zealous love of their chapter. This has manifested itself into a sometimes fool hardy doggedness in battle, refusing to give ground except In death. Due to the low turn over of new equipment from Mars and the low ranking of the Night Scorpions in receiving this equipment the Chapter is taught to venerate each and every piece of armour or weaponry that passes through the brother ranks. Each ceramite plate is lovingly protected by its owner and usually by the end of a brothers career highly embossed and engraved. The same is true of a brothers bolter which is seen as their most important piece of equipment, each Astartes is trained to weild their weapon with a single hand if the situation calls for it, allowing for the use of close combat weapons while retaining the strength of the holy weapon. Indeed such reliance leads to many squads forgoing the use of specialist equipment beyond melta or flamer technology. For a Brother to lose his bolter in battle is the greatest shame he can bring upon himself, not even breaking in the face of the enemy will bring such condemnation. As such any Scorpion will fight with his utmost vigour to reclaim the weapon if it is lost in the heat of the battle, if however they are for some reason forced to leave without it they will more often than not begin a penance, withdrawing from their brothers into thought and meditation as they begin the slow and painful process of creating a new weapon for themselves.

 

Paragraph breaks are your friend, not your enemy.

 

All that space scares me ^_^ , but yes i think i can hit the enter key a few more times

 

I don't feel there's much character to the chapter yet. I have every confidence that there is in your mind, but it's not coming across well on the page.

 

What kind of characterization are we going for? i just want a sort of historical IA detailing some of the stuff they've done and some of the personalities, i don't want to make a bells and whistles look at them they are awesome cry because someone died kind of epic. I mean i think they huge problem with alot of the IAs you see on this board is that they are setting their chapters up as particularly different or special. Sure i won't them to be different but, unlike an imperial citizen, we all know who space marines are, they are all heroic and they are all brave and they are X amount of everything else.

 

What should i be going for? In my head they are a run of the mill chapter who have adopted a bit of a different structure, like their drop pods and have a bit of extra skill in the snow. I don't want them to be super. (Although they ARE better than the Dark Hunters ^_^ )

[bloodtitan]

tis good to see such creativity - not going to nit pick just saying how good it is to see people posting their ideas - bravo

[Octavulg]

Chapters are run of the mill chapters the way you (or anyone else) is a run of the mill human.

 

I will elaborate later, but I think you can get what I'm after from the above.

[gil galed]

Dropped people not liking the chapter

 

Dropped the overview bit with crims

 

Dropped unbreakable bones rubbish

 

Added paragraphs

 

Added a little to Atlas

 

Notes:

-Left the names of other chapters as i think it helps to locate them within the map rather than linking them with anyone

-Left history as is, mainly because I think it's important to the chapter, will try and make it more characterful though

-Will try and adjust the homeworld thing a bit so they don't just have a spare

-Non codex is explained in the story

-Inq. story left in as it fluff wise explains my grey knights, plus i think it adds a bit of character not having a chapter which hates the inq. also noticed i said that no night scorpions had turned to chaos which is just a horrible thing to do, hence dropped and added a handful

-Lotsa parapgraphs

 

To do:

Make it flow better

Draw a really pretty bolter to illustrate the the loved bolter idea (maybe)

Add some elusive character Oct. claim is necasarry:P

[Codex Grey]

I just want to echo what have been said by others, especially the Wing organization. It just feels unecessary and gimmicky. You say the battle with the Necrons explains it, but does it really? Sure, some temporary solutions would be logical, but huge organizational changes (and name-changes as well?) are IMHO not.

 

What kind of characterization are we going for? i just want a sort of historical IA detailing some of the stuff they've done and some of the personalities, i don't want to make a bells and whistles look at them they are awesome cry because someone died kind of epic. I mean i think they huge problem with alot of the IAs you see on this board is that they are setting their chapters up as particularly different or special. Sure i won't them to be different but, unlike an imperial citizen, we all know who space marines are, they are all heroic and they are all brave and they are X amount of everything else.

If that is all you want then that is fine. But for someone like me who wants to create something interesting and distinct (not different or special, but distinct), the struggle to create something with a cool theme is so much more rewarding and I also think it's so much more enjoyable for others to read. People who try to be too special or awsome and those who don't care what others think are a problem though I agree.

 

If you don't want this then that is okay, but if you do then one thing that really helps is to try and describe or capture the theme or essence of your Chapter with as few words as possible.

 

Wings eight through ten, due to their underpowered nature

This means 8th, 9th and 10th, which is 3 companies, but earlier you say that it is only the last two Companies, ehh I mean wings, that are the most understrength.

 

Future

 

As the Chapter begins to reach a thousand brothers it goes

from strength to strength and, within the darkening prospects

of the Universe, this can only be a positive thing for the

inhabitants of the Emperor’s Imperium.

This whole section can dropped. It's just another header with some things you can easily say somewhere else (and you don't really have to say this)

[gil galed]

I just want to echo what have been said by others, especially the Wing organization. It just feels unecessary and gimmicky. You say the battle with the Necrons explains it, but does it really? Sure, some temporary solutions would be logical, but huge organizational changes (and name-changes as well?) are IMHO not.

 

Is actually changing the names of them really that drastic? the problem also is that as i have an entire wing/company of scorpions painted changing the structure to a normal one would require a whole repaint of shoulder pads and insignia which would be upsetting ;)

 

If that is all you want then that is fine. But for someone like me who wants to create something interesting and distinct (not different or special, but distinct), the struggle to create something with a cool theme is so much more rewarding and I also think it's so much more enjoyable for others to read. People who try to be too special or awsome and those who don't care what others think are a problem though I agree.

 

Indeed i want them to be cool, but i'd prefer to be on the bland side of marine than the 'look at my cool stuff' side of marines where i just cringe hugely reading the IA, for the best examples look at the majority of the 40k.wikia fan chapters "Shudders"

 

Any suggestions for achieving this?

 

 

This means 8th, 9th and 10th, which is 3 companies, but earlier you say that it is only the last two Companies, ehh I mean wings, that are the most understrength.

 

O sneaky attack on wings, you devious member you, yeh i'll re read it and see what is going on

 

 

 

 

I'll drop future

[Codex Grey]

Is actually changing the names of them really that drastic?

No, but it is unecessary. You could keep the name 'Company' but keep the rearrangment of structure. This makes it seem like a their solution to a problem, instead of 'hey this our opertunity to change the name as well.'

 

Unless 'wings' is written on their shoulder pads and banners, then I have no idea.

 

Any suggestions for achieving this?

Aside from this:

one thing that really helps is to try and describe or capture the theme or essence of your Chapter with as few words as possible.

I don't know. It really is up to you to find out what you want out your Chapter. I know I'm not really helping now, I'm sorry.

[gil galed]

Is actually changing the names of them really that drastic?

No, but it is unecessary. You could keep the name 'Company' but keep the rearrangment of structure. This makes it seem like a their solution to a problem, instead of 'hey this our opertunity to change the name as well.'

 

Unless 'wings' is written on their shoulder pads and banners, then I have no idea.

 

 

it is on some bits, wing does sound cooler ^_^

 

Any suggestions for achieving this?

Aside from this:

one thing that really helps is to try and describe or capture the theme or essence of your Chapter with as few words as possible.

I don't know. It really is up to you to find out what you want out your Chapter. I know I'm not really helping now, I'm sorry.

 

KK, well i'll have a brainstorm and see what i can come up with

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

What kind of characterization are we going for? i just want a sort of historical IA detailing some of the stuff they've done and some of the personalities, i don't want to make a bells and whistles look at them they are awesome cry because someone died kind of epic.

 

I've probably come a bit late to the party here but, well when I saw this I just had to gatecrash.

 

Character is what sets your chapter apart from any other. Their core personality, the 'character' that he is referring to is how the chapter comes across to the reader. How they 'feel', for lack of a more expressive term. A good example, even if they are poorly executed are the Black Templars. They may well smash you over the head with an uncompromisingly obsessive zeal and need to crusade like some OCD knight-templar on amphetamines, along with a truly ridiculus amount of mixed symbology from the three largest knightly orders to have existed gives them their feel, their personality. This is expanded upon by some inventive gamers who try to nuance what is essentially another GW bowling ball through a plate-glass window.

 

On the other hand though this being 40k, having a vivid and uncompromising character or personality that is right there for all to see is not a bad thing. Unfortunately the official chapters never really seem to follow the words of wisdom from this very forum.

 

"Don't create <archetype> in space, make <archetype> inspired marines." - To paraphrase.

 

The difference between the two, in this case, is it is a lot more effort to create a chapter whos character comes through in the piece as a whole, rather than reading their name and then looking at the pictures of their artwork or minis, which is all you need for the Black Templars, or Space Wolves or even Ultramarines, who are probably one of the worst offenders but in a slightly different manner to the others.

 

In an IA's case, the personality or character of a chapter comes through in how they deal with and react to what is essentially change over the course of the article.

[dragonknight4275]

hey, this is really cool, but i was wondering how you post the colour schemes for in the IA. Whenever I do it, it doesn't work. Thanks!