Crusade for Apollus

[Brother Hadafix]

This is the bare bone of the fluff I have regarding the background for my BTs Crusade. it is a bit suiffy in places so helpful criticism, advice and opinions are appreciated.

 

362 M36 The successful yet battered forces of Marshal Drakenhaus enter the Apollus system for major repair to all ships following a hard fought navel battle with the xeno. the fleet comprises of 2 Barges, one of of which is considered of obsolete design, both needing urgent repairs. 8 Cruisers of which only 3 are above 60% operational and a single Forge ship, suffering some kind of malfunction that makes repairs and production of vehicles and equipment almost impossible though damage appears cosmetic. ( I have no names for the ships as yet)

 

The Apollus system is almost under the total control of the admech, comprising of 7 inhabit worlds.

 

One major forge world, Rey. Harsh environment with alkaline seas. The flora of the world is made up of a though grass like plant that can be made into durable clothing and coral like plants. All known Fora are insect like and most are no more poisonus than a bee. Not much bigger either. 2 agri worlds, Wicker and Tine, one ocean world, Triomphant, also used as a food producing as well as for promethium. one world dedicated to the production of ships, Doon, and both other worlds are death worlds, Exe, and are heavily mined for ores and minerals. Toore has small amount arms and armour factorium and a Hive population.

 

(Brief take on Marshals log ++ records incomplete ++) Week 1:

 

On first arrival to the ship building yards or Doon, it was apparent that all was not well. Signs of civil disturbance are visible and whole planet under curfew. Told that repairs could take a almost a year, the ancient Barge is causing most problems as no STC remains available. Told that our appearance could not have come at a better time, it seems that t new of our arrival has already calmed much of the civil unrest.

 

Unrest does not disappear as expected, small numbers of brothers sent to guard areas of importance. Fighting brakes out on Toore, Bothers sent with PDF elements to get things under control.

 

Meeting with Arch Magos, he seems more concerned about my ships than than the out breaks of civil unrest. When asked what is going on he shakes his head, I am told that this has only been going on for a few months and no apparent reason has been found. Told that those questioned said that they were just unhappy about how things were and never meant to to go as far as they did. None seem to be able to recall their actions. Asked about psykers, told that sweeps had been done and none were found.

 

Week 2:

 

Civil unrest breaks out to almost civil war on Triomphant, Mech forces involved in repression. Templars were not asked for this time round, seems the adeptus wants to show it is in control and doesnt need our help in keeping a lid on things. Word Bearer influence found, but decades old. No trace of the traitor astartes them selves as yet.

 

Battle for Triophant continues, it seems that these heretics have planned for this. Violence breaks out on all other worlds. My own forces quickly manage to take control of the ship building facilities and wipe out heretical resistance here. Aid asked for by Toore, it seems to have a population of billions.

 

I am concerned about Rey world as I have been told that it cannot be raised.

 

Week 3:

 

I cannot believe what I have been told, warp rifts have opened all over Rey. Many have been evacuated. Disorder is now rife and all worlds are embattled and daemonic presence has been verified in combat zones . Have promised that my forces will help retake entire system.

 

Inquisition arrive and a meeting is called. Meeting ends badly, the Ordos Maellus sees this as a lost cause, the Arch Magos under instruction from Mars will not allow the forges to be abandoned. I have already promised to aid in the resecuring of the system. It seems it will be the Black Templars and the Admech only fighting here as Inquistion leave. Pity, they may have come in useful for once.

 

Week 4:

 

The means of the warp rifts have become known, it seems that 6 archaeological sites that have never even show much more than a slightly high back ground warp taint are now the sites of warp gates, bombardment of these sites have failed. Not much I can do about it at present as all forces are busy in the field.

 

Moving main base of operations as ship building world is all but secure and work has been started on both Barges. Have start work on making Toore main base as that is where most of my forces are currently in the field.

 

Month 2:

 

Meeting with Arch Magos, seems convinced that rifts and be closed if sites targeted. Bad new is that all attempts to reach sites so far have failed. Further bad new is that a number of lower admech seem to have "defected". I ask if there is any good news. It seems that the forges on the blighted world will be unaffected by warp taint.

 

Ship Building world suffers major unrest and cogigators (sp?) damaged. All ship work is off line.

 

Skitarii and PDF suffer large loses on both Wicker, Tine worlds and Triophant. Not much I can do as fully commited to both Exe and Toore.

 

++Dates missing from archive+++

 

Word Bearer remains found on Triomphant, nothing remains but Millennia dead corpses and a rotting cruiser. Well at least we all know how this started.

 

Have started work on a keep and transporting all need supplies to Toore. This looks like being a long war. Have taken back 3 hives of the major death world while resistance on the other fades, daemons on the surface are becoming a problem on Exe.

 

+++ DATA CORRUPTION +++ SCANNING FOR VALID DATA+++

 

Month 5 Week 2:

 

Loses are thankfully low, 2 dead and 3 presently out of action, 8 Neophytes have also gone to the Emperor, 7 needing treatment. The heretics on Toore have been driven out of the Hives, though I have no doubt that some are hidden in the lower reaches or service tunnels between the cities, the PDF are taking care of these however.

Main fighting now on the surface. The environment is suiting the scum better there and having to resort to aerial reconnaissance to find their hiding places.

 

On the plus side, the construction of our Keep is almost functional if not complete.

 

Exe is being harder crack. It is now understood that a cult of foulness has been hidden there, and are willing bringing forth the filth of the warp in most engagements. Castellan Driezer informs me that progress is being made, and that none of the cult remain in any areas they have swept though.

 

Week 3:

 

Reports back from Sword Brethren sent to investigate Rey. That is going to be the toughest fight yet. Reports that even the machinery seems to be corrupted, though the forges look untouched, and the warp beings stay away from them.

 

Meeting with Fabricator General on his own forces progress. I have agreed to send some assault squads and Land speeder to aid them on Triophant, where the nature of the terrain makes each city a viable fortress. Lucky that most are loyal or have loyalist factions working within. The General tells me that those cities are all but resistant to orbital bombardment due to being dug deep in the mountains, his agents have however, ensured that certain routes in and out of the cities remain open and that strikes can be made through them.

 

+++ ERROR 404 +++ +++ REFRESHING QUERY +++

 

Month 8:

 

The fight for Toore has gone underground, though few elements remain hidden in the on the surface they are little more than an irritant that can be ignored for now. Main fighting is in lower abandoned service tunnels that lead to the older original settlements. These were abandoned, I am told, due to the plant life breaking through the walls and enveloping the cities. Fighting is hit and run with the heretic scum collapsing tunnels as they retreat. Have tried using transports as the tunnels are easily big enough in places to almost take 2 land raiders, this however was cancelled. The roots of the growths above are as formidable as the rest of the plants. The Rhino used to test this theory is well and truly now a fixture of the tunnels themselves.

 

+++ UNABLE TO RETRIEVE DATA +++ SEARCHING +++

 

504 M36 ++Dates unknown++:

 

Toore, Tine and Wicker fully compliant, Exe is causing problems though due to its proximity to Rey I do not find this surprising. Doon's systems keep going of line, this is due to some rogue Adepts. Now have 60 squads committed to action on Triophant and planning strikes on Rey. I have left Hienzen in charge of operations on Toore, he has made himself known and seen already and knowing the Master of Sanctity, has left none in doubt that back sliding will be servierly punished and conducting tests on aspirants.

 

On my arrival to Triophant, I started to see why taking this planet has been such hard work. In the Jencova, the Capital, I was shown how most of the cities are built. They are dug in well, with the whole of the mountains used. Those that still hold out are formidable. Defences running from tip to deep, most of them 300 miles approx from the ocean bottom to the surface and about as wide above water level. The land that they create is a mixture of scraggy terrain, strange forest and hilly grassland. It is only on the holo-map that I am able to see the hidden turrets, ramparts, firing lanes etc.

 

I am leading the main assault against Millers Hope, the most central of the mountains held by the vermin and its capture will undermine their patrols of the sea and split them up. Reculsiarch Vipen and Emperors Champion Griffenhelm will take a smaller force along with over 3000 Skitarii to capture the Hurls range. A grouping of smaller mounts, and thought to be where they are operating their sea patrols from. The rest is up to the Admech forces to handle.

 

I cannot believe what I am hearing! We have be caught in a gruelling battle in retaking the moutain cities, it has been 3 months since I set foot on Millers Hope and we have only taken 200 square miles of it. Now I hear that Driezer is mortally wounded after taking on the main enemy base on Exe, he and 50 brothers face an army of 1200, and as they crushed them, foul heretics unleashed a monster of a daemon. The daemon and Driezer fought for hours ,and though this affront to The Emperors sight was finally defeated, the armour and flesh of the Castellan was robbed from him by the evil lash the creature carried. I have ordered reclusiarch Glosch from the force left with Driezer to take over operations on Exe while a new Castellan is found.

 

It is 6 months since Driezer's internment to a living sarcophagus, Coler is now Castellan and leading the Asartes on Exe. The world is still not pacified, as each time one area is cleared another seems to rise up. Miller hope has been just as tiring. I could not ask more of the Astartes under me, the main set backs being flooded compartments that have lead to halts in our action, and cowardly hit and run actions, sniping from air ducts and waste shoots, or using remote bombs.

 

My own Command Squad has come under fire no less than 12 time now, and the Reclusiarch attached is unsure that my being here is wise. Well, I am not going to run and hide and I intend to see this mission through.

 

Finally the battle for the eastern quarter is under way, once we have this I can lead the attack to the mountain roots themselves. Speaking of which, the entrance gates are sealed to the tunnels beyond, and the chambers in between flooded. With the depths at which we are at, I am unable to simple cut though without everyone being crushed to paper thin wafers. The Neophytes raised from this system seem very competent, and already the numbers of Brother lost is slowly being replaced despite being engaged almost constantly.

 

The filth have been busy in their months of preparation, or maybe they took, what is now over a century, of occupying this place getting ready. Either way, the way forward is well defended and its the best I the Reclusiarch can do to neutralise their fire lines and kill zones. We have pushed though the upper sections and even as I update this log, SwordBrethren are infiltrating these fools for the push into the Cathedral district.

 

I am aghast still at the sights that greeted us as we took the Cathedral district, and the means by which these heretics, these foul beings in the skin of humanity have used the children of Him on sacred Terra we have found in this place. The means that the forces against us have kept up their numbers. Many have found the Emperors Mercy as they were to near the edge and hardly anything left of their humanity, mealy being used as cattle in a ley. The remains of what look to be the security forces hang wired from poles around the grounds of the Cathedral, the Priests bones arranged inside in a communion of hideous sickness, looking on to where it looks like acts of bestial carnage took place before a foulness beyond words of an alter, the Saints recast to be self abusing and staring mockingly at Him, who is cloaked in birthing waste. The strangest thing I have been told is that few of the very young or teenagers were left, and those that were decorate the front of various buildings or died in the combat.

 

Despite clearing out the main enemy body from the district, fighting is still heavy in some places. Gun servitors have been left hidden to end a Brothers duty, the mark of the Mechanicus, though deformed, still visible. The main area of fighting is the main access routes to the lower levels, the minor ones are all blown in, when this happened cannot be confirmed, but it has handed those that have turned their back on the Emperor a major boon.

 

After clearing the route to the lower habitation levels, we a now locked in an urban conflict of the like I have rarely heard of. This seems to be the habitation area for most of those that dwelt in this warp hole. To fall from the road ways is to fall in to almost impenetrable blackness, the flashes of gun fire below like faraway fire flies zipping maddly about. I have already lost tens of good astartes from the roadways being blown as they cross and have sent assault sqauds forwards and progress is slowing as checks and clearances are made to stop access being blown from beneath us.

 

It has seemed to take weeks, but we now have the main central access from 4 days of hard fighting. This warp hole of a spiders web attached to a cork screw has cost us dear, and still not fully in our control. Still, bike patrols tell me that the bottom section is clear so there is nowhere for these heretic scum to retreat to. We will kill them all!

 

We have them trapped on the 58 tier, the streets are almost non-existent and the only way to close with the scum is by going through the walls. I have been unable to make contact with anyone from the out side. I do not know if this is from our location or from some device.

 

505M36 ++Dates Unknown++

 

The Hab section is now clear, and so is the toll that it has taken in the duties of Brothers now ended, may the Emperor rest their souls. All units are now converging on the last bolt hole the foul vermin have been hiding in, We will kill them all in this last push, of that I am certain.

 

The fighting was intense as soon as the first units pushed into the under levels, the numbers of enemy are so high that they block our advance in piles of their dead or dyeing. They have taken to consorting with hideous mutants and acursed wiches, from reports that I am receiving they are lead by a mockery of what can only be described as a Tech Priest.

 

The main routes are blocked of with dead and rubble, the fighting is close and even my own armour is rent in places. Today I did meet some of these warp born daemon things, brightly coloured and fast. I dont really understand what happened, but for the first time I have ever known those under my command hesitated and cost lives of three of my own Command Squad. Viscous feminine beings, and tested us hard. If this is what awaits us on Rey and then some, then I will need every Brother I have.

 

One we are pushing to the plasma pits the other to the Mechanicus Shrine, if it can still be called such a thing. They had tried to rig the gates to the other access ways to blow out and kill us all, I am proud of those of my fast attack teams that they managed to take the flanks and dash such heinous plans. We have managed to split the acursed filth in to two groups.I have given my Reclusiarch control of two and a half companies, to send those near the plasma pit and their witches to the foul darkness that they have given themselves to. The rest will follow me and crush the agitator of this rebellion. I have impressed upon the Chaplain that this must work in one push, we have not the ammo for this fight to last more than 2 days at most.

 

I have only one word for my feelings after todays events, bitterness... The three and a half Companies, that composed the forces that I had choosen to accompany myself fought well and bravely. I had to split my force in to 3 groups to cover each route to the shrine and each route was contested by the scum we have fought for so long now. New and diabolical things awaited us, those that I lead directly three times fought grotesquely huge, living machines. Eight legs that were once human and claws from some loading device. Heavy bolters fitted to a bloated abdomen that cut down too many of us. Emperors Champion Stchymann was pulled free by Neophites that were all that remained of a squad he had lead against one of these monsters after he became trapped beneith one that he did fell. Shattered workshops and control centers are now bloody abattoirs of slaughter and death, a squad of mutants took on my squad, twice as tall as an initate and armed with tools, wrenches, hammers and whirling cutter blades. Three I lost to that skirmish alone, brought low by the crushing numbers. The fighting grew in its intensity the closer we got to the shrine, enemy, unable to stop us by cowardly jumping out of hiding, rushing us with the last of their numbers. Spilling from the dead of our foe, what remained of the companies I had brought with me came upon a shrine most unholy. Bodies held together with giant pins forming a circle and star with eight points, the once Tech Priest now a thing of metal and tentacles, coloured flaming bolts greeting us, the things body guard equally mutated. The fighting was over fast, I must find out the name of the Brother who riddled the dark Priest with

with plasma shot. Half of the guards froze after that, the others we hacked apart with the Emperors fire in our souls. I now have just under 3 companies at full strength, most of those that have fallen with be long in the infirmary. My Reclusiarch tells a familiar story, though loses were far lighter.

I am going back to the surface with the injured to find out what else hsa happened since my long stay in Millers Hope. There is nothing left do do now other than to clear out the shadows. Looking around at the rusted chian hangings and the ruined worshops, it is hard to imagine that this was once a place that thousands came and worked for the Imperium, such is the ruin and charnel remains.

During the time it takes to get to the surface, I have time to look back on my career, such as it as been thus far, and hope the Emperor grants me the chance to tackle the Xeno ship to ship once again. I also give praise to the Emperor and ask that He cares for the souls of the faithful I have sent his way, and of those I am yet to send.

 

Hurls Range has fallen, and quicker than Millers Hope. Vipen was all set to send a search party to find out what had happened, though they still have a lot of clearing up to do, as the place is riddeled with passages going from end to end. I am informed that Awlespike has taken position of Castellan on Exe, he is a good choice, if not a little over zealous and would probably be suited better as a Chaplain. I am given names of Initates that are showing promise of being worthy to join the Sword Brethern, I am shocked by the numbers of names I do not know, and feel the time this Crusade has taken just to get this far.

 

I was raised by the Arch Magos, he is sending in the Admechs forces to clear out the rest of Miller Hope and Hauls Range. He proposes we meet to discuss the last areas held by the trators, The Choir and Old Mumbles. These are made from the remains of what was a giant volcano, The Choir, are a ring of smaller mountains that ring around the edge and Old Mumbles is a tri peeked mount in the centre. This set up makes it all but impossible to mount an air borne assault, however, due to Rey and Triomphants strange orbiting dance, Rey is due to eclipse Triophant in the next 4 months and the seas will freeze for 32 hours. This should buy our forces time to launch an assault over the frozen sea. The time scale may well give them time to prepare, but it also give my Crusade time to heal and rebuild some of our numbers.

 

I am told the the purge on Exe has come to a stand still. The renegade Ork dung have holed up in the fortress cities in on The Beach, A huge area of desert the reaches to the sea. It seems that this is the mating ground of behemoth sized crustations, some the size of a Rhino and 3 time as long and they dont take to well to others intruding on their rutting. Awlespike tells me that he is clearing out other areas to be sure that while he cant get at them, they cant cause trouble anywhere else.

 

I will post the other parts later if this gets a good response.

[arbogast1]

looks interesting so far. you might want to come up with some specifics i.e planet/system name(s). other than that, it looks really good.

[Brother Hadafix]

looks interesting so far. you might want to come up with some specifics i.e planet/system name(s). other than that, it looks really good.

 

I know... But the more I try and think about it the more tricky it seems, some of the information died with my last laptop so I only have scraps and memory to go on. I am thinking of just making them numerical.

 

Thank you for the feed back.

[Brother Hadafix]

Ok, have now developed World names.

 

I have found a few more notes to go on as well. Though I would like some feed back on what I have posted so far, if anyone is interested I will add more.

[arbogast1]

yeah, id like to see more of the fluff youve got brewing.

[Brother Hadafix]

+++ DATA CORRUPTION +++ SCANNING FOR VALID DATA+++

 

Month 5 Week 2:

 

Loses are thankfully low, 2 dead and 3 presently out of action, 8 Neophytes have also gone to the Emperor, 7 needing treatment. The heretics on Toore have been driven out of the Hives, though I have no doubt that some are hidden in the lower reaches or service tunnels between the cities, the PDF are taking care of these however.

Main fighting now on the surface. The environment is suiting the scum better there and having to resort to aerial reconnaissance to find their hiding places.

 

On the plus side, the construction of our Keep is almost functional if not complete.

 

Exe is being harder crack. It is now understood that a cult of foulness has been hidden there, and are willing bringing forth the filth of the warp in most engagements. Castellan Driezer informs me that progress is being made, and that none of the cult remain in any areas they have swept though.

 

Week 3:

 

Reports back from Sword Brethren sent to investigate Rey. That is going to be the toughest fight yet. Reports that even the machinery seems to be corrupted, though the forges look untouched, and the warp beings stay away from them.

 

Meeting with Fabricator General on his own forces progress. I have agreed to send some assault squads and Land speeder to aid them on Triophant, where the nature of the terrain makes each city a viable fortress. Lucky that most are loyal or have loyalist factions working within. The General tells me that those cities are all but resistant to orbital bombardment due to being dug deep in the mountains, his agents have however, ensured that certain routes in and out of the cities remain open and that strikes can be made through them.

 

+++ ERROR 404 +++ +++ REFRESHING QUERY +++

 

Month 8:

 

The fight for Toore has gone underground, though few elements remain hidden in the on the surface they are little more than an irritant that can be ignored for now. Main fighting is in lower abandoned service tunnels that lead to the older original settlements. These were abandoned, I am told, due to the plant life breaking through the walls and enveloping the cities. Fighting is hit and run with the heretic scum collapsing tunnels as they retreat. Have tried using transports as the tunnels are easily big enough in places to almost take 2 land raiders, this however was cancelled. The roots of the growths above are as formidable as the rest of the plants. The Rhino used to test this theory is well and truly now a fixture of the tunnels themselves.

 

+++ UNABLE TO RETRIEVE DATA +++ SEARCHING +++

 

504 M36 ++Dates unknown++:

 

Toore, Tine and Wicker fully compliant, Exe is causing problems though due to its proximity to Rey I do not find this surprising. Doon's systems keep going of line, this is due to some rogue Adepts. Now have 60 squads committed to action on Triophant and planning strikes on Rey. I have left Hienzen in charge of operations on Toore, he has made himself known and seen already and knowing the Master of Sanctity, has left none in doubt that back sliding will be servierly punished and conducting tests on aspirants.

 

On my arrival to Triophant, I started to see why taking this planet has been such hard work. In the Jencova, the Capital, I was shown how most of the cities are built. They are dug in well, with the whole of the mountains used. Those that still hold out are formidable. Defences running from tip to deep, most of them 300 miles approx from the ocean bottom to the surface and about as wide above water level. The land that they create is a mixture of scraggy terrain, strange forest and hilly grassland. It is only on the holo-map that I am able to see the hidden turrets, ramparts, firing lanes etc.

 

I am leading the main assault against Millers Hope, the most central of the mountains held by the vermin and its capture will undermine their patrols of the sea and split them up. Reculsiarch Vipen and Emperors Champion Griffenhelm will take a smaller force along with over 3000 Skitarii to capture the Hurls range. A grouping of smaller mounts, and thought to be where they are operating their sea patrols from. The rest is up to the Admech forces to handle.

 

I cannot believe what I am hearing! We have be caught in a gruelling battle in retaking the moutain cities, it has been 3 months since I set foot on Millers Hope and we have only taken 200 square miles of it. Now I hear that Driezer is mortally wounded after taking on the main enemy base on Exe, he and 50 brothers face an army of 1200, and as they crushed them, foul heretics unleashed a monster of a daemon. The daemon and Driezer fought for hours ,and though this affront to The Emperors sight was finally defeated, the armour and flesh of the Castellan was robbed from him by the evil lash the creature carried. I have ordered reclusiarch Glosch from the force left with Driezer to take over operations on Exe while a new Castellan is found.

 

It is 6 months since Driezer's internment to a living sarcophagus, Coler is now Castellan and leading the Asartes on Exe. The world is still not pacified, as each time one area is cleared another seems to rise up. Miller hope has been just as tiring. I could not ask more of the Astartes under me, the main set backs being flooded compartments that have lead to halts in our action, and cowardly hit and run actions, sniping from air ducts and waste shoots, or using remote bombs.

 

will add more later. Comments anyone?

[arbogast1]

As always, looking very good. You're doing a good job of making it seem like an actual overview of a campaign as seen from a commander's eyes.

[Brother Hadafix]

Thanks! :geek: Its how it was in note (written) form and embellishments from memory, thus the jumping around. Where +++ turns up I really have lost the information, expect a lot more of them. :(

 

I hope to clean it up at some point (thus looking for critics) and see if it is good enough to entre on the BL fan flick.

 

I am kind of busy so will add to it over the next few days.

 

Cheers for the support. :P

[Brother Hadafix]

Same time period as last post.

My own Command Squad has come under fire no less than 12 time now, and the Reclusiarch attached is unsure that my being here is wise. Well, I am not going to run and hide and I intend to see this mission through.

 

Finally the battle for the eastern quarter is under way, once we have this I can lead the attack to the mountain roots themselves. Speaking of which, the entrance gates are sealed to the tunnels beyond, and the chambers in between flooded. With the depths at which we are at, I am unable to simple cut though without everyone being crushed to paper thin wafers. The Neophytes raised from this system seem very competent, and already the numbers of Brother lost is slowly being replaced despite being engaged almost constantly.

 

The filth have been busy in their months of preparation, or maybe they took, what is now over a century, of occupying this place getting ready. Either way, the way forward is well defended and its the best I the Reclusiarch can do to neutralise their fire lines and kill zones. We have pushed though the upper sections and even as I update this log, SwordBrethren are infiltrating these fools for the push into the Cathedral district.

 

I am aghast still at the sights that greeted us as we took the Cathedral district, and the means by which these heretics, these foul beings in the skin of humanity have used the children of Him on sacred Terra we have found in this place. The means that the forces against us have kept up their numbers. Many have found the Emperors Mercy as they were to near the edge and hardly anything left of their humanity, mealy being used as cattle in a ley. The remains of what look to be the security forces hang wired from poles around the grounds of the Cathedral, the Priests bones arranged inside in a communion of hideous sickness, looking on to where it looks like acts of bestial carnage took place before a foulness beyond words of an alter, the Saints recast to be self abusing and staring mockingly at Him, who is cloaked in birthing waste. The strangest thing I have been told is that few of the very young or teenagers were left, and those that were decorate the front of various buildings or died in the combat.

 

Despite clearing out the main enemy body from the district, fighting is still heavy in some places. Gun servitors have been left hidden to end a Brothers duty, the mark of the Mechanicus, though deformed, still visible. The main area of fighting is the main access routes to the lower levels, the minor ones are all blown in, when this happened cannot be confirmed, but it has handed those that have turned their back on the Emperor a major boon.

 

After clearing the route to the lower habitation levels, we a now locked in an urban conflict of the like I have rarely heard of. This seems to be the habitation area for most of those that dwelt in this warp hole. To fall from the road ways is to fall in to almost impenetrable blackness, the flashes of gun fire below like faraway fire flies zipping maddly about. I have already lost tens of good astartes from the roadways being blown as they cross and have sent assault sqauds forwards and progress is slowing as checks and clearances are made to stop access being blown from beneath us.

 

I am going to have to stop there as I work out an unclear few paragraphs.

[arbogast1]

These heretics, these foulness in the skin of humanity.

 

You might want to change this sentence around. As it is now, it's only a fragment. I would suggest something like "We have found the means by which these heretics, these foul, once human beasts foolishly sought to withstand our holy might." And then go on to mention the corrupted cathedral and refuges and such.

 

Other than that, and a few sentences where I think you left out some words, it's looking good.

[Brother Hadafix]

Have changed it to read "and the means by which these heretics, these foul beings in the skin of humanity have used the children of Him on sacred Terra we have found in this place. The means that the forces against us have kept up their numbers. Many have found the Emperors Mercy as they were to near the edge and hardly anything left of their humanity, mealy being used as cattle in a ley." Does that read any better to you?

 

If you could point out any others, that would be great. As said, this is almost word for word of my original notes, so its really not the best written as yet. The only things I have taken out are scenes that are closer to those found in Fulgrim. Not sure I would really get away with some of those lines on here.

[arbogast1]

Sure thing. I would be glad to proof-read this, and help you improve upon what you have in your notes.

 

Speaking of which, are sealed and the chambers in between flooded

Might want to add "the tunnels" or something. It's a bit unclear as to what is sealed.

 

I would am unable

I'm guessing this is a typo. Just take out the "would".

 

or maybe they took the almost a centenary ago

Again, just a word missing after "the". Also, a centenary is usually a hundred year anniversary, not a measurement of time.

 

sights that greet us

Tense. Should be "sights that greeted us".

 

foulness beyond words of an alter

Might want to change this around a bit. Maybe "..acts of carnage took place before an alter of indescribable foulness."

 

Hope this helps :D Let me know if you need anything else, and I'll be glad to see what I can do.

[Brother Hadafix]

Sure thing. I would be glad to proof-read this, and help you improve upon what you have in your notes.

 

Speaking of which, are sealed and the chambers in between flooded

Now reads S"peaking of which, the entrance gates are sealed to the tunnels beyond, and the chambers in between flooded.

 

I would am unable

I'm guessing this is a typo. Just take out the "would". Took me time to work it out, but yeah. Think I may have been about to put something different...

 

or maybe they took the almost a centenary ago

Again, just a word missing after "the". Also, a centenary is usually a hundred year anniversary, not a measurement of time.

 

Changed to: "or maybe they took, what is now over a century, of occupying this place getting ready"

 

sights that greet us

Tense. Should be "sights that greeted us". Agreed and done

 

foulness beyond words of an alter

Might want to change this around a bit. Maybe "..acts of carnage took place before an alter of indescribable foulness."

 

Added back what I took out: "where it looks like acts of bestial carnage took place before a foulness beyond words of an alter, the Saints recast to be self abusing and staring mockingly at Him, who is cloaked in birthing waste."

 

Hope this helps :D Let me know if you need anything else, and I'll be glad to see what I can do.

 

Thanks ;) Anything else where you think and error is made or could be changed to read better would be good. What you like about the tale so far would also be of interest.

[arbogast1]

I think I got most of the errors the first time around.

 

As for what I like about the backstory, you're doing a very good job of getting into the mindset of what I imagine a Black Templar Marshal to be: Indignant at the sight of corruption and filth, superior in all ways to the enemy and fully aware of that. You're also doing a fine job in conveying that superiority without making it sound ridiculous. The Marshal sounds like a genuine military commander, at least as far as my experience with them goes (which, to be honest, is really just lots of Band of Brothers and Generation Kill). For example, he is clearly confident in victory, but not in a "ZOMG WE ARE SPACE MARINES AND WE'RE THE BESTESTEST!!". Instead, he's more like "ok, we're going to win this, but it will be difficult." Finally, you're a pretty good writer. The errors that I caught were nothing major, and you usually do a good job of following the rules of grammar.

 

If you need anything else, let me know. :P

[Brother Hadafix]

Thinking, before I add more to this. Would it be easier if I put it all on in one post and did anything new in say blue and corrections in red, and just added to it as I manage to add more from the notes I have?

[arbogast1]

Hmm..yeah, it probably would be. If you're adding more stuff/corrections from your notes, it would make it easier to see what's new and what isn't.

[Brother Hadafix]

Will probably add something more on Wednesday then. I will get it all in one place and just edit the original post each time and use the rest of the topic for Q&A.

[arbogast1]

Awesome. I look forward to it. I might not be able to reply too quickly, as I have essays due this week, but I'll reply as soon as I can.

 

edit: Scratch that. I'd be lying if I said that. I'm still gonna be checking these forums with the ADD compulsion of a mongoose on crack regardless of how little work I've done.

[Brother Hadafix]

(Stupid stone aged laptop, will redo this another and add it all together another time)

 

It has seemed to take weeks, but we now have the main central access from 4 days of hard fighting. This warp hole of a spiders web attached to a cork screw has cost us dear, and still not fully in our control. Still, bike patrols tell me that the bottom section is clear so there is nowhere for these heretic scum to retreat to. We will kill them all!

 

We have them trapped on the 58 tier, the streets are almost non-existent and the only way to close with the scum is by going through the walls. I have been unable to make contact with anyone from the out side. I do not know if this is from our location or from some device.

 

laptops not cooperating so will add to this over the weekend. It does lead nicely to the main fight for the mountain though.

[Brother Martinus]

Nice stuff ;)

[arbogast1]

looking good. I can't wait to read the bit about the final battle.

 

the only way to close with the scum is by going through the walls

Reading this I couldn't help but think of the Kool-Aid guy busting through a wall and shooting some heretics while going "Oh yeeaahh!"

[Brother Hadafix]

@ Brother Martinus: Thanks :P If there are any bits you are not so keen on or suggestions just please comment.

 

@ Arbogast 1: kool aid? I can just about imagine a Templar doing something like that though. :devil: :huh:

[arbogast1]

@ Arbogast 1: kool aid? I can just about imagine a Templar doing something like that though. :lol: :lol:

What?! You've never seen the Kool-Aid guy?! Well, you *are* from England, guess it's an American thing. Just imagine a big jug of red squash with a face busting through a wall with a bolter.

[Brother Hadafix]

@ Arbogast 1: kool aid? I can just about imagine a Templar doing something like that though. :devil: :)

What?! You've never seen the Kool-Aid guy?! Well, you *are* from England, guess it's an American thing. Just imagine a big jug of red squash with a face busting through a wall with a bolter.

 

Sounds like a BA Dread! :) I havent even got a TV. Nothing ever good on any ways.

[Brother Hadafix]

I have start putting the whole thing into the first posting. Red is the newest changes and Blue the newest part of the crusade history/story. Is this an easier way to read and tell what is wrong/right, or was it easier split into new posts?