Crusade for Apollus

[arbogast1]

The addition of the new text in different colors definitely helps the new content to be read in context. Just two things though:

 

1. The red is a bit harsh on the eyes I find. You might want to use something a little less so.

2.

Arch Mangos

I'm not entirely sure, but I think you might want to be using "Arch Magos", instead of Arch Mangos. Arch Mangos are a visciously carnivorous fruit found only in the deep jungles of Vietnam. Rumor has it that they sometimes resort to cannabalism, although how that is strictly carnivorous is beyond me. Arch Magos on the other hand, is the title of a high-ranking member of the Mechanicum.

 

Other than those two things, the new additions are great. Keep 'em coming.

[Brother Hadafix]

The addition of the new text in different colors definitely helps the new content to be read in context. Just two things though:

 

1. The red is a bit harsh on the eyes I find. You might want to use something a little less so.

2.

Arch Mangos

I'm not entirely sure, but I think you might want to be using "Arch Magos", instead of Arch Mangos. Arch Mangos are a visciously carnivorous fruit found only in the deep jungles of Vietnam. Rumor has it that they sometimes resort to cannabalism, although how that is strictly carnivorous is beyond me. Arch Magos on the other hand, is the title of a high-ranking member of the Mechanicum.

 

Other than those two things, the new additions are great. Keep 'em coming.

 

Damn, thats what writing after a hot day does to you :P I will go and change it in time for the next posting. Do I go for a deeper red or a different colour for corrections. hmm.

[Brother Hadafix]

newest instalment posted. Green is corrected spelling (no more angry fruit) and blue is the latest transcription. Its not much, but if you could see my hand writing I think you'd understand. :lol:

 

What you think folks?

[arbogast1]

Looks good. I might have missed this, but was the Ork purging on Exe mentioned earlier? I feel this is the first time you've mentioned it. Same with Miller Hope and Haul's Range. Also, something from the previous bit of additions: you mention having 2 and 3/4 full-strength Fighting Companies. You might want to say 2 full strength Fighting Companies and another at 3/4 srength, since a fraction is not a whole number. Other than these things, it looks very well thought out. I'll check it again tomorrow to see if I missed anything, but I'm fairly busy packing up the last 6 months of my life, so we'll see how that goes. Anyways, keep up the good work. :)

 

Edit: Also, no more angry cyber-fruit. This is good, although it *could* make for an interesting story later on. :)

[Brother Hadafix]

THe phrase "Ork dung" was meant as an insult for the traitors. I may go back and change that if it si detracts from the story. As from remembering the fight against a "Xeno" race, that is mentioned at the very beginning of the text.

 

There maybe room for "angry cyber-fruit" if I was to concentrate a bit more on one of the death worlds.

 

I have the beginnings of a small IA on the chapter in the Liber Astartes, a word of warning is that it may spoil some of the story.

[arbogast1]

Ah, I see. In that case, leave it in. I just realized that I didn't see the word "dung" the first couple of times I read the story. Like I said though, I've been busy packing the last 6 months of my life away, and I'm mentally and emotionally drained right now, so I'll give it another read in another few days.