IA: The Black Friars

[Apothete]

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Black Friars Tactical Marine, Pre-Theosis

Guided by a Chaplain of the Imperial Fists and his Honor Guard, the Black Friars would make their way southwest of the Segmentum Solar and arrive in the Perseus Arm. There, they were to see to the salvation and reunification of worlds which viewed themselves as too far from Terra to want or need its governance. Accompanying the Chapter on their outbound voyage were several vessels of the Imperial Navy which would carry envoys of the Missionarus Galaxia, escorted in exchange for vows of noninterference in the Chapter's work. Decades would pass as the minions of the Ecclesiarchy dwindled and neophytes were taken from the worlds that the fleet passed, gradually swelling their ranks until the Chapter is nearing full numbers by the time the meandering trail neared its end.

The final planet they were scheduled to visit with their charges lay beyond the verge of the Imperium, a ferociously unwelcoming death world which had been seeded with fanatical colonsits untold centuries earlier. Upon arrival in the system, which had no designation other than a Mechanicus Explorator cataloging, the Friars discovered a barren and forsaken string of inhospitable planets, scoured by the incredible heat and radiation of the blue giant star at its center. The planet which they sought was distant from the sun, spared somewhat from its fiery wrath, and it was there that they would make a discovery which would change their fates forever.

;) The Mysterion of Kolrad

Imperial records indicate that the missionaries who accompanied the Black Friars were members of a sect which believed it to be possible to achieve a state of grace through direct emulation of the Emperor. Rather than merely venerating His deeds and sacrifice while discounting claims of divinity, the Brothers adopted some elements of this tradition and began to seek personal enlightenment through study of Imperial doctrine and history, acts of personal denial above and beyond their already ascetic lives, excoriation and mortification, and trance-like meditations upon the words of the Emperor himself. They were told over the course of the decade-long journey that the mission they were reinforcing would hold these same views, but what they found instead couldn't have been any further from the truth.

The first parties to make landfall upon the surface of the as-yet unnamed planet did so under the cover of darkness, avoiding the unforgiving light on the sunward side. Nothing suggested that Imperial civilization had ever touched the world, no ruins of settlements or signs of landing craft. Instead, there was a nightmare landscape of blasted ash wastes and sparse oases full of exotically lethal life, riddled with the wind-carved canyons and craggy mountains of an unstable geology. Only below the surface would they find some sign of what had befallen the Abbey, combined patrols of Black Friars and Frateris eventually stumbling across the hidden settlements of feudal tribes that betrayed every sign of moral degredation, save for a single outpost which had kept true to their teachings, who called themselves the Kolradi. The rapid and widespread mutation seen above had crept more insidiously below, and the Chapter saw no option but to mount a cleansing Crusade and deploy to the world itself. Operating in strength and moving methodically through the warrens of the unclean, the Friars brought the scouring Light of the Emperor to those who hid from it below the crust of the planet.

No record now exists which states exactly when the first Brother noticed the change in the threat which faced them, but all who now remain agree that it was during this localized Crusade that the first signs that something was amiss surfaced. Those that they had killed but not burned began to rise anew, a shambling horde of the once-dead which clambered from the darkness below. Even more horrifying, it seemed that even their Ecclesiarchy allies were prone to whatever was causing the dreadful phenomenon, with only total eradication of a corpse denying it the ability to become a ravening, insensate beast.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

Several of the Chapter's Battle Brothers had fallen in the vicious tunnel fights below the surface of Kolrad, their bodies interred within the crypts aboard the Battle Barges. No signs of contamination had been detected and tradition demanded that the bodies be left in state, yet still the Knights Praxis ordered that the fallen Brothers be cremated as a precaution against potential moral threats and contagion. As the purest and hottest flames available were the plasma chambers within the Chapter forges, the bodies were sealed within the largest of them and ritually incinerated with full battle honors. That would have been the end of the matter had there not been a deeply disturbing incident scant weeks later.

The forge chamber which had been used for the cremation of the dead Marines suddenly erupted in a cacophony of screamed prayers and the hammering of mailed fists upon every surface in reach. Startled Techmarines who had been tending to other tasks immediately sounded the alarm. Within the plasma conduit itself, the partially reformed bodies of Brothers they had thought dead howled their anguish and battered skeletal remains against the cooling, reforming ceramite of their consecrated armor. All had been placed within the chamber with their helmets off, and so the apparitions were haloed in a nimbus of coruscating white light that erupted from their hollow eyes and their fleshless mouths as they called upon the Emperor to grant them His mercy, pulsing in intensity as if their dual hearts still beat. Most disturbing of the phantasms was the serene and all too literal death rictus of one of the Reclusiam's own, a Knight Praxis by the name of Telemachus. Unlike the others, he did not pound the walls or writhe as if in the unending throes of a prolonged death, rather waited for the arrival of his comrades. His patience was astounding, as if he knew that the Chapter's spiritual guardians would come.

Telemachus stood amidst the hectic rattling of dry bones and the throatless cries of the men, his indelible stare inviting the Friars to open the chamber door. Even through the armored portal, the simple entreaty reached any who would listen, beckoning them to relent. Facing what the dead Knight Praxis claimed was a resurrection of miraculous character, the Abbots did what they must. Reigniting the furnaces after only a handful of minutes, they shut out the cries from within the forge and purged the serfs and servitors who had witnessed the event. Battle Brothers who had borne witness received extensive ritual purification and extended courses of penitent mortification to center their minds.

A week to the day later, the apparitions returned and this time the reborn Friars kneeled at Telemachus' feet with combat blades and bolters crossed over immaculate chestplates, an armed approximation of the sign the aquila. This time the Knight Praxis spoke of the experience that they had endured, telling the Abbots of the unbearable agony that they each had felt, their bodies burning away and leaving nerves that should have vaporized to experience every moment. He told them of their rebirth and the freedom which it brought, sloughing any hint of doubt from their minds as they returned amidst His light to once more smite the unrighteous. The Emperor Himself had spoken and warned Telemachus of coming atrocities and how the Black Friars would be his chosen instrument in dealing with the times ahead, how they could act in His name and ask no recompense, seek no honors or glory save the service which they had already sworn.

It was only out of the respect in which the Abbots had once held the abomination that they even humored his story, trusting in their faith to protect them from any sorcerous taint. His words were difficult to hear and even more problematic to accept, subverting the truth as the Chapter had once known it. Nevertheless, the seed had been planted. The forge chamber which housed the haunted conduit was cleared of all materials and placed under armed guard. Every time the apparitions returned, the Abbots would return and give Telemachus the chance to recant his heresy and accept their blessing, only to purge him by fire each time he placidly insisted that they would come to join him in the end.

Matters may have continued indefinitely down this course had the war below not taken a turn for the sinister, leaping the gulf of space and striking down anyone without the resilience of a Space Marine. The crews of the Imperial fleet began to fall deathly ill and then succumb in a matter of mere days, falling upon their comrades in orgies of murder and bloodletting. Even more horrifying, Brothers who had never been posted to the surface began to show symptoms of disease, their flesh becoming translucent and waxy, their throats scorched by the caustic secretions of the restored Bechter's Glands. Those afflicted succumbed in mere days, the number of servitors and serfs dwindling as their bodies were piled into the forges and incinerated along with their bearers.

Desperate for guidance and increasingly faced with a plague that seemed to be unbounded by physical quarantine, the Abbots and their followers within the Reclusiam sought the aid of the Imperial Tarot to guide their hands. Fasting and frenziedly castigating themselves in order to drive out impure influences, consecrated with the holiest of incenses and anointed with sacred chrisms, the Abbots implored the Emperor to intercede on their behalf and drew the fateful configuration which would lead them into their future. The symbols revealed to these most dedicated of Brothers gave them little room to argue, though they still recoiled from the course that was being laid at their feet.

The time was rapidly approaching when Telemachus would reappear again, and so the Abbots once more reassembled and brought with them the Mystere Primus himself, that he could better witness the sights that they had cautioned him against until the revelations of the Tarot.


;) Theosis

Just as before, Telemachus and his followers appeared within the cooling chamber of the forge with all the serene dignity of the dead, the Brothers surrounding the erstwhile Knight Praxis in their pose of fealty to the Emperor. This time, all listened without interruption as the skeletal Marine explained to them the new place within the galaxy that they would hold, how they would surrender any hint of mortality for unending service to the Golden Throne. No rest would be had should they fall in battle, no waiting for the final days where He would call upon all of His warriors to stand at his side. Instead, the Black Friars were to prepare His people for the coming trials by defending this far corner from all threats and judging His servants who were found wanting, bending their knees to none but Him. In return, they would be given the gift of suffering as He upon the Throne did should they lapse in their dedication and fall in battle, only to be reborn once again to continue their unending war. The disease had been meant to ready their flesh to be purified more wholely than any before them, literally burning away their sins so that all that would be left was incorruptible and inviolate will.

In the face of the evidence of their own eyes, the spiritual leadership of the Chapter decided to allow each of the Brothers to choose for himself. Telemachus, if he was correct, represented a way forward that would forever alter the destiny of the Black Friars and the choice would best be made between each man and the Emperor. In the end, none declined to undergo this new trial and so every Brother prepared to intentionally expose himself to the contagion so that he could be cleansed. As one, the Black Friars congregated within the furnaces aboard their Battle Barges and ordered the chapter serfs to close them in.

In the searing heat of the sudden rush of nuclear fire, they all felt their deaths magnified a thousand fold and intermingled with one an other, binding the souls of the Chapter together even as those weakest in faith were reduced to cinders. A gestalt vision of the Chapter as it would come to exist flashed just beneath the pain, their undying devotion to the Emperor leading them in a grand Crusade that would see the corrupt, bloated machine of the outer reaches hammered back into a fitting instrument for His will. No more would they need to punish themselves, their every moment of existence a torment that would fell lesser men while reminding them that He has never had respite. Removed from the demands of the body without a need to recruit anew, the Chapter could focus their every moment to purifying the stars.

The reformation and rebirth of the Chapter was much swifter than any but Telemachus might have thought, mere hours passing before the first of the Friars began to take form once more. Believing always in the righteousness of their betters, the Chapter serfs unlocked the blast chambers and released those within as soon as they had fully materialized. Praying over the Chapter serfs and asking that some measure of the boon granted to them be given in turn, the Chaplains were unsurprised to find that the weaker amongst them became mere unliving automata. The faithful menials would live on and those who doubted perished and did not rise, leaving enough remained to see to the needs of the fleet. Rare individuals within the ranks, almost entirely Friars who had not succeeded in the novitiate, retained their minds and became the new intermediaries between their masters and the unthinking menials.

Truly, they had witnessed a miracle and would see that His will be done, though they knew that those who had not stood with them would never understand their holy gift. Perhaps their erstwhile allies would even seek to stop them in their newly found cause. It was this realization that saw the Chapter mount a sudden boarding action upon their Imperial escorts, seizing control of the ships and then turning the weaponry of the fleet upon the planet in order to silence dissent and prevent the discovery of what they had become. Unsought, the Light of the Emperor had been released upon the galaxy through them, and the Black Friars would not be found wanting.

W

hile technically fleet based and never tied to any single planet, the Black Friars were shaped by the events that occurred at the planet they named Kolrad in honor of the single loyal tribe they discovered beneath its surface.

The dense and incredible inhospitable planet now known as Kolrad was an incubator for only the hardiest and most stubborn forms of life. What little vegetation managed to survive on the deeply irradiated and sun-scoured surface was intensely poisonous, while the scarce supplies of water were unfailingly contagious stews of brackish sludge that had been contaminated with untold bacteria and parasites. Wherever the screaming winds carved a hollow, acidic lichens and chemovoric flora cluster about the oases that shelter in the lees that hide them from the unbearable sun, all of which provide convenient cover for the voracious and highly adapted fauna. Categorical study of life on the surface would be nigh impossible, thanks in no small part to generational mutation and swift die-offs, to say nothing of the microclimates that sprang up around each of the bodies of water. The entire environment of the planet was a lethal game of one-upsmanship that often brought death.

When they arrived, the Chapter found no signs of human inhabitation whatsoever, but expeditions below the surface soon uncovered a small but thriving population of exiles. The vast majority of the underworlders were a misshapen, barbaric parody of Imperial society, where the strongest of the tribes would protect those who slaved within their caverns against the predation of other tribes while thinking nothing of casual brutality and atrocities against those same chattels. Many of them would risk journeys to the surface to slay or break beasts for their own use, though the peoples who consumed surface-creature flesh brought down below shared in the corruption. By contrast, the true Kolradi themselves were remarkably free of mutation or heresy, merely backwards by Imperial standards.

Alone amongst these apostate, immoral tribes, the Kolradi practiced a primitive feudalism that granted the weaker amongst their number far more humane treatment than their counterparts. They were obviously the true descendents of the lost scholar-monks who had come to the planet for isolation and peace, but who had found instead the embodiment of marrying their philosophy to the warrior spirit of the Emperor. Rallying the soldiers of the tribe and leading them in a crusade to cleanse the nearest regions of the warren-like underground, the Chapter had cemented their image as wrathful angels that brought fire and death to the debased cultists.

Soon after, the Crusade took on a life of its own as the inspired populace adapted tactics shown by their betters and adapted them to their much more primitive weaponry, fighting valiantly even through the swarming death that was the later days of the unexplained curse. Though no contact was attempted with the Kolradi or the missionaries before the final days of their existence, the Black Friars are content in believing that they would have approved of the assumption that all Imperial citizens should be prepared to die at any time. That they would perish in the flames of the Emperor's most holy Light is merely a fitting coda to a life of warring in His name, ensuring their flesh could not be debased after their passing.

Now a lifeless and nearly airless dead world, Kolrad's sepulchral silence and extreme distance from the Imperium's core suits its masters perfectly. They have no need of food nor any concern for the radiation of its star. Only its blinding, eternal reminder of His watchful gaze seems to matter to them at all.

Combat Doctrine:

G

iven the difficulties faced by a Chapter which has no access to prominent Imperial supply lines, the Black Friars make do with what they can either take by force or scavenge and reconescrate to their own purposes. They have absolutely no fear of death and thus will deploy in formations that would be considered suicidal by tacticians who are concerned with the mortality of their troops, though this is tempered somewhat by the knowledge that they will not return immediately if their mortal shell is rendered incapable of fighting.

As a consequence of their lack of vehicular support, the Black Friars fight almost completely on foot and rely on Devestators extensively to provide the heavier punch that other Chapters might gain from tanks. The Chapter does maintain a large number of jump packs and their formative experience is in close-range combat under confined conditions, leading them to prefer assaulting enemy strongpoints and breaching defenses rather than standing off at range. In the time since the Theosis, the Friars have cultivated methods of hunting armored vehicles that allow them to make use of their unusual nature and the focus of their training, engaging at extremely close range while Brothers provide misidirection and distraction.

Organization:

N

ot every Brother survived the arcane and mysterious process by which the Chapter reached its current state, and there is no flesh from which to draw progenoids that recruits may be created anew. The remaining Brothers number in the high five hundreds, organized into five Commandries under the leadership of a Knight Prior, who is assisted by two Knights Praxis that fulfill the role of a Chaplain in more traditional Chapters, and the Knights Preceptor who guide each squad in battle.

Beliefs:

Gene-Seed:

Battlecry :

[Apothete]

I'm home sick today and decided to get a little work done on a few ideas I've been holding onto, so here's a portion of what I told Telveryon I would eventually do.

 

I have the Beliefs section mostly blocked out in my head but I need to take a break from sitting in front of the screen and writing for a little bit. The Chapter stems from some of my original ideas for the Exonerators, mixed with elements of my discussions with him about the Will of the Lost and skeletal Marines in general, and some attempts to come up with something interesting that could happen to a Cursed Founding Chapter.

[DarkGuard]

Looks like a good piece of work so far, and the idea is a good one. I particularly like the conversion of the Marines from loyalists to semi-loyalists, but I must raise doubts over the Chaplains.

 

Unthinking in their horror at what they first saw as corruption of their blessed physique, the Chaplains ordered the plasma conduits to be reopened so that they would burn away the monsters within. It was only with seconds to spare that they recanted the order, each of them seized by a gestalt vision of the Chapter as it would come to exist, their undying devotion to the Emperor leading them in a grand Crusade that would see the corrupt, bloated machine of the outer reaches hammered back into a fitting instrument for His will. No more would they need the pain glove or other means of excoriating themselves, instead they would suffer His pain unending, their every moment of existence a torment that would fell lesser men while reminding them that He has never had respite. Removed from the demands of the body without a need to recruit anew, the Chapter could focus their every waking moment to purifying the stars.

 

Now I would believe that most Chaplains would have their souls guarded, or attempt to shake off such visions. I believe that such visions would mean there is some latent, uncontrolled psychic tendencies. This change in the Chaplain's and the Chapter's beliefs seems very sudden and not entirely convincing, like Sarpedon and the Soul Drinkers (Ben Counter again I know but I love the Soul Drinkers :evil:). It seems a bit like a vision from a Chaos as much as one from the Emperor. Anyway, I just wonder how this turn in the Chapter's philosophy and fate would be affected if the Chaplains didn't recant the order, and allowed those Marines to be blasted by the plasma conduits. Then, with more of their Battle Brothers falling to this 'condition', the Chaplains, unable to contain it, meditate and pray to the Emperor, receiving more of these visions, and gradually the Chapter falls into this state of automation. Just another idea, as I feel you could play off a bit from having a slow 'demise' if it were, although I wouldn't want to use that word. Sorry if these ideas may not be expressed too well, teaches me for posting quite late!

 

Overall I like the idea, and I feel you could do a lot with this Chapter. I feel that there is certainly scope for more development and individualisation with a Chapter that is seperate from the Imperium but not fully under the grasp of Chaos, and find such Chapters intriguing. I'll be looking forward to hearing more about this Chapter.

[Apothete]

Looks like a good piece of work so far, and the idea is a good one. I particularly like the conversion of the Marines from loyalists to semi-loyalists, but I must raise doubts over the Chaplains.

 

Yeah, I'm sure that I'm not done with them yet.

 

The actual transformation is something that I think I'm going to need to spend some more time to effectively explain, especially since it's going to involve trying to subtly hint at things I would rather not make explicit.

 

Now I would believe that most Chaplains would have their souls guarded, or attempt to shake off such visions. I believe that such visions would mean there is some latent, uncontrolled psychic tendencies. This change in the Chaplain's and the Chapter's beliefs seems very sudden and not entirely convincing, like Sarpedon and the Soul Drinkers (Ben Counter again I know but I love the Soul Drinkers :evil:). It seems a bit like a vision from a Chaos as much as one from the Emperor.

 

I doubt you ever read the discussion between Telveryon and I when he was working on the Will of the Lost, but one of the things that came up was the way that I could only justify such a thing happening if it was at least somewhat touched by the Ruinous Powers. The Chapter as a whole is obvious unfinished but the transition point is something I'm going to have to work very carefully on, because I want it to be plausible while also being just a touch on the shocking side. The current version is nothing more than getting the bare-bones (ha ha!) thoughts down so that I can stop worrying about forgetting the basic themes.

 

Anyway, I just wonder how this turn in the Chapter's philosophy and fate would be affected if the Chaplains didn't recant the order, and allowed those Marines to be blasted by the plasma conduits. Then, with more of their Battle Brothers falling to this 'condition', the Chaplains, unable to contain it, meditate and pray to the Emperor, receiving more of these visions, and gradually the Chapter falls into this state of automation. Just another idea, as I feel you could play off a bit from having a slow 'demise' if it were, although I wouldn't want to use that word.

 

That's actually the way I intended to take things on further revision, believe it or not. I just needed to get my thoughts into a coherent form and the way that they came out this time was simpler, though certainly not the final form that they're likely to take. I wanted to hang the framework and then adjust after the fact.

 

Overall I like the idea, and I feel you could do a lot with this Chapter. I feel that there is certainly scope for more development and individualisation with a Chapter that is seperate from the Imperium but not fully under the grasp of Chaos, and find such Chapters intriguing. I'll be looking forward to hearing more about this Chapter.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, and I'll be putting more effort into them very soon.

 

I, too, have a weak spot for those who exist on the boundaries rather than at the extremes.

[DarkGuard]

I doubt you ever read the discussion between Telveryon and I when he was working on the Will of the Lost, but one of the things that came up was the way that I could only justify such a thing happening if it was at least somewhat touched by the Ruinous Powers. The Chapter as a whole is obvious unfinished but the transition point is something I'm going to have to work very carefully on, because I want it to be plausible while also being just a touch on the shocking side. The current version is nothing more than getting the bare-bones (ha ha!) thoughts down so that I can stop worrying about forgetting the basic themes.

 

I certainly missed that discussion but if I find it I will read it, it may help me understand more about the turning point of the Chapter. All I can say is that you'll have to be careful when using the Ruinous Powers if you want to keep your Chapter faithful to the Emperor. Certainly with Dorn's geneseed you have the stubborness and tenancity required to stick to the Imperium's ideals while being hounded by the Ruinous Powers and the Imperium itself.

 

That's actually the way I intended to take things on further revision, believe it or not. I just needed to get my thoughts into a coherent form and the way that they came out this time was simpler, though certainly not the final form that they're likely to take. I wanted to hang the framework and then adjust after the fact.

 

Fair enough, I look forward to reading more about your Chapter's transformation, I feel that this would perhaps be one of the most interesting facets of your Chapter, I wish you every luck with it.

 

One other point to raise. Is your Chapter going to be officially declared Excommunicate Traitoris by the Imperium? It seems to be like your Chapter is sticking by the Emperor and carrying out his work, but after the transformation of the Chapter, which the Imperium will name as mutations, and the Black Friars assault on its Imperial Envoy, I'd imagine the Inquisition would declare them Excommunicate Traitoris. Are you planning on this being a decree back in Imperial Space and not to the Black Friars' faces, or is an Inquisitor going to try and track them down (with SoB) and attempt to denounce and destroy them while they crusade in the furthest reaches of space?

[Grand Master Tyrak]

The actual transformation is something that I think I'm going to need to spend some more time to effectively explain, especially since it's going to involve trying to subtly hint at things I would rather not make explicit.

 

I think it would help if you hinted at the Chaplains' desperation for a solution, thus raising the possibility that the solution they have come to is not the Emperor's Will made into a solution, but rather a solution made into the Emperor's Will.

[Apothete]

Update!

 

One other point to raise. Is your Chapter going to be officially declared Excommunicate Traitoris by the Imperium? It seems to be like your Chapter is sticking by the Emperor and carrying out his work, but after the transformation of the Chapter, which the Imperium will name as mutations, and the Black Friars assault on its Imperial Envoy, I'd imagine the Inquisition would declare them Excommunicate Traitoris. Are you planning on this being a decree back in Imperial Space and not to the Black Friars' faces, or is an Inquisitor going to try and track them down (with SoB) and attempt to denounce and destroy them while they crusade in the furthest reaches of space?

 

As I currently envision them, there is no Excommunicate order leveled at them just yet. As far as the Imperium knows, the fledgelings never made it all the way to a nameless backwater world and the Galaxian Mission fizzled out along with them.

 

Reports of skeletal Marines would be minimized by strict armor discipline, and their great distance from Terra goes some way to mitigating the tendency of information to finding its way into the hands of the Inquisition. Nobody on their outward journey was intended to go back to into the galactic core and even the Navy's portion of the trip was one-way, with their ships intended to strengthen the garrisons of border planets. Also, as nobody has brought the timing up, I think it would be far easier for my Chapter to get lost in all of the hullabaloo of the Age of Apostasy, which happens right in their back yard.

 

I think it would help if you hinted at the Chaplains' desperation for a solution, thus raising the possibility that the solution they have come to is not the Emperor's Will made into a solution, but rather a solution made into the Emperor's Will.

 

How's that?

 

Edit: That being my edited version, of course.

[Telveryon]

Ah! So you finally did it! Be careful liberites, I smell a wave of undead space marines that will engulf our most precious of boards! Well, we now have a undead space marine chapter of ever flavor, the Harbingers fully fallen, the Black Friars on the edge and the Will of the Lost fully loyal to the Emperor.

 

Bah! Why can't I be a writer half as good as you are, Apothete? If I were, both the Golden Defenders and the Will of the Lost would have been the Librarium by now. All I can say now is that despite a few typos and a few words that seem out of place, it's a most excellent read! I am proud to have helped inspire this!

 

Yeah, I'm sure that I'm not done with them yet.

 

The actual transformation is something that I think I'm going to need to spend some more time to effectively explain, especially since it's going to involve trying to subtly hint at things I would rather not make explicit.

I smell the hand of Tzeench...

 

That's actually the way I intended to take things on further revision, believe it or not. I just needed to get my thoughts into a coherent form and the way that they came out this time was simpler, though certainly not the final form that they're likely to take. I wanted to hang the framework and then adjust after the fact.

If only all DIY-er did the same, we'd have far more cool chapters to read.

 

I certainly missed that discussion but if I find it I will read it, it may help me understand more about the turning point of the Chapter. All I can say is that you'll have to be careful when using the Ruinous Powers if you want to keep your Chapter faithful to the Emperor. Certainly with Dorn's geneseed you have the stubborness and tenancity required to stick to the Imperium's ideals while being hounded by the Ruinous Powers and the Imperium itself.

You can find that discussion about the Will of the Lost here and there is a lesser discussion here.

 

One other point to raise. Is your Chapter going to be officially declared Excommunicate Traitoris by the Imperium? It seems to be like your Chapter is sticking by the Emperor and carrying out his work, but after the transformation of the Chapter, which the Imperium will name as mutations, and the Black Friars assault on its Imperial Envoy, I'd imagine the Inquisition would declare them Excommunicate Traitoris. Are you planning on this being a decree back in Imperial Space and not to the Black Friars' faces, or is an Inquisitor going to try and track them down (with SoB) and attempt to denounce and destroy them while they crusade in the furthest reaches of space?

The problem is that not even the Inquisition can Excomunicate a chapter for actions they don't know about. If you leave no survivors and break off communications before doing something nasty the Imperium at large can't know what transpired. Since I'm pretty sure that the way Apothete wants to go then the only way an inquisitor could find out about the nature of the Friars is to see one of the pop back up after being rained on the landscape by a lascannon shot.

 

Though Apothete, there is an issue that the Black Friars would face that the Wills don't. Gene-seed tithes. The Wills have changed their name and heraldry considerably, there is no parallels that can be drawn between the Angels Exemplar and the Will of the Lost, however this doesn't seem to be the case with the Back Friars.

[Apothete]

Ah! So you finally did it! Be careful liberites, I smell a wave of undead space marines that will engulf our most precious of boards! Well, we now have a undead space marine chapter of ever flavor, the Harbingers fully fallen, the Black Friars on the edge and the Will of the Lost fully loyal to the Emperor.

 

The Black Friars are fully Loyalist, or they at least believe themselves to be.

 

Bah! Why can't I be a writer half as good as you are, Apothete? If I were, both the Golden Defenders and the Will of the Lost would have been the Librarium by now. All I can say now is that despite a few typos and a few words that seem out of place, it's a most excellent read! I am proud to have helped inspire this!

 

You're not too shabby, so don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Could you point out the typos and misplacements? I ran the second draft through the spellchecker again but it's sometimes difficult to visually edit your own work because of personal preferences.

 

I smell the hand of Tzeench...

 

What with his being the God of Change, you really don't know where that hand has been...

 

If only all DIY-er did the same, we'd have far more cool chapters to read.

 

Ha.

 

The Exonerators and the Black Friars are being written in my usual manner, which is to just sit down with a core idea and let the words come out until I either go cross-eyed or feel satisfied with what I've done so far. My deviation from this time-honored shotgun approach is the one project I've made the least progress one.

 

Thanks for the praise, all the same.

 

The problem is that not even the Inquisition can Excomunicate a chapter for actions they don't know about. If you leave no survivors and break off communications before doing something nasty the Imperium at large can't know what transpired. Since I'm pretty sure that the way Apothete wants to go then the only way an inquisitor could find out about the nature of the Friars is to see one of the pop back up after being rained on the landscape by a lascannon shot.

 

Quite simply, this.

 

Though Apothete, there is an issue that the Black Friars would face that the Wills don't. Gene-seed tithes. The Wills have changed their name and heraldry considerably, there is no parallels that can be drawn between the Angels Exemplar and the Will of the Lost, however this doesn't seem to be the case with the Back Friars.

 

Ah, but I have dealt with that somewhat.

 

The Chapter ends up changing its colors post Theosis, they're very, very far away from anything important and in a region of space that plays host to the Age of Apostasy and the incoming Hive Fleet Behemoth, and they tend to either not engage or go for total elimination of anything in their way. They're not content with just striking and then running away, not when they have no reason to fear death.

[Telveryon]

The Black Friars are fully Loyalist, or they at least believe themselves to be.

That's what I meant by being on the edge, it's not a 100% thing. You yourself admitted that they're om the border and not in the extremes.

 

Could you point out the typos and misplacements? I ran the second draft through the spellchecker again but it's sometimes difficult to visually edit your own work because of personal preferences.

My comment was made before the update, the issues seem to be fixed now.

 

Ah, but I have dealt with that somewhat.

 

The Chapter ends up changing its colors post Theosis, they're very, very far away from anything important and in a region of space that plays host to the Age of Apostasy and the incoming Hive Fleet Behemoth, and they tend to either not engage or go for total elimination of anything in their way. They're not content with just striking and then running away, not when they have no reason to fear death.

Well, that's not made very clear in the IA, you might wish to emphasize it a bit more. Also, the Age of Apostasy and Hive Fleet Behemoth are separated by some 5000 years of history. But I must concede, the Age of Apostasy is a great time to have your chapter forgotten about but you should make it rather clear.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

I think it would help if you hinted at the Chaplains' desperation for a solution, thus raising the possibility that the solution they have come to is not the Emperor's Will made into a solution, but rather a solution made into the Emperor's Will.

How's that?

 

I think a little more desperation on the part of the Chaplains would be good. They seem to accept this too readily, there should be a real sense that they are having a hard time reconciling this (and Telemachus' message) with what they have always believed. Off the top of my head, there are two ways you could finish this off. One, that they accept that the only way the Chapter can survive and continue to serve the Emperor is to work round this problem. Two, they receive a vision from the Emperor (or is it? :) ) instructing them to continue in his service regardless.

[Apothete]

Well, that's not made very clear in the IA, you might wish to emphasize it a bit more. Also, the Age of Apostasy and Hive Fleet Behemoth are separated by some 5000 years of history. But I must concede, the Age of Apostasy is a great time to have your chapter forgotten about but you should make it rather clear.

 

I'll think about it some before I do the next revision of their history.

 

While I want the implication that they're lost during the Age of Apostasy to be there, I don't want to make too many claims of direct involvement. The problem with adding more about the time between then and now is, as it always is with my writing, word count.

 

I think a little more desperation on the part of the Chaplains would be good. They seem to accept this too readily, there should be a real sense that they are having a hard time reconciling this (and Telemachus' message) with what they have always believed. Off the top of my head, there are two ways you could finish this off. One, that they accept that the only way the Chapter can survive and continue to serve the Emperor is to work round this problem. Two, they receive a vision from the Emperor (or is it? msn-wink.gif ) instructing them to continue in his service regardless.

 

I was actually intending to angle towards something in the middle of the two, with visions urging them to accept the change as the only way for them to continue on, though that apparently didn't come through in the draft I did last night. They could arguably remain as they are, but now that they know there's something wrong and that it could very well... Oh wait. Idea just struck.

 

This ought to be interesting.

[Apothete]

Bumping for update.

 

I've rewritten the transitional period somewhat, incorporating suggestions from those who've commented already. There's obviously a lot more that needs to be done since the remaining sections are fragmentary at best, but I don't want to pursue them with any great vigor until after I get the origins nailed down.

[Apothete]

I really hate doing this but it's been almost a week.

 

Is there nothing in the origins section that could be improved or commented on?

[Tyrannicide]

I really hate doing this but it's been almost a week.

 

Is there nothing in the origins section that could be improved or commented on?

It's long that's for sure, a bit of a daunting read. I'm interested though, I'll read it through tomorrow morning and give you any feedback necessary. :)

[Tutteman]

Wow, if nothing else it's a great read. I like the idea behind it and shall continue to watch this mainly so I can see how IAs are done :( Most importantly how to bring your theme in subtly into play. :( I am watching :P

[Tyrannicide]

Just finished reading it. I must say it was a fairly entertaining read and their transformation from Astartes to true 'Angels of Death' is quite interesting. Definitely a unique and atypical portrayal of the 'Cursed Founding' Chapter. I can't pick out any flaws concerning that. However, I think there's a lot of fat that can be trimmed back from the Origins section. You seem to constantly repeat yourself on numerous occasions. I understood your points initially, there's no need for you to ram them home consecutively throughout. I'd read one sentence and later another, which stated the exact same idea as the first, the only difference being that is was written in a reworded form. To say the least, it began to become slightly frustrating. Quality over quantity should be paramount, and half of your Origins just seems like filler and fluff. The article would be much better without the gloss, as it's hampering the IA in its current incarnation. My main point being that I'd personally try and cut down on that, severely (see now you have me doing it with my very own suggestion -_-).

 

 

Here's just a small example of what annoyed me:

 

...binding the souls of the Chapter together even as those weakest in faith were reduced to cinders.

 

Then you presume to tell the reader the exact same thing in the following paragraph:

 

The faithful would live on and those who doubted perished and did not rise...

 

 

This is one of the more minor samples, but my point should still be valid. Everyone repeats themselves, but you do it abundantly throughout the article. Both perfectly written sentences but with the exact same intention, which is quite trivial when you write like that persistently. I understand that I may have started to blow this out of proportion, but it's how much it stuck with me. To conclude this, your writing starts to come across as far too redundant and it irked me, as your skill with the English language (unlike most of us) is outstanding. I hope you acknowledge these minor mistakes, taking the time to crop the excess from your article, as it can only help in the long run. That said, this is steadily becoming one of my favorites of the 21st Founding Chapters that we (DIY creators) seem to share a certain fixation with. :)

[Apothete]

Wow, if nothing else it's a great read. I like the idea behind it and shall continue to watch this mainly so I can see how IAs are done ;) Most importantly how to bring your theme in subtly into play. :lol: I am watching :D

 

Thank you kindly. I like to believe that I'm an able writer, but I'm far from perfect and there are mistakes all through this current version that will need to be corrected before I'm ready to work outwards into the rest of the article.

 

Just finished reading it. I must say it was a fairly entertaining read and their transformation from Astartes to true 'Angels of Death' is quite interesting. Definitely a unique and atypical portrayal of the 'Cursed Founding' Chapter. I can't pick out any flaws concerning that. However, I think there's a lot of fat that can be trimmed back from the Origins section.

 

Once again, thank you for reading and the compliments. I'm pretty good at churning out ideas and then hanging them together in a way that makes sense to me, but the hardest aspect of the whole process is to make sure that other people take from my writing what I want them to.

 

You're absolutely right that the Origins segment is too long and repetitive, but that's an artifact of the way in which I polish the areas that contain the most glaring mistakes. A first draft goes up for commentary, then I patch, alter, and correct wherever I feel that the most glaring issues are, revising only portions until the rough form is where I want it to be. That's the point at which I sit down with the article pulled up as it stands in a browser window and the master copy in my text editor, and I rewrite the whole thing for flow purposes. The Exonerators suffered from the same problem that you're pointing out here until I sat down and completely reworked the entire thing from one end to the other. Even still, I think there are places in that writeup that I need to improve but I'm letting it sit so that I can impassively judge once my urges have had a chance to cool off.

 

You seem to constantly repeat yourself on numerous occasions. I understood your points initially, there's no need for you to ram them home consecutively throughout. I'd read one sentence and later another, which stated the exact same idea as the first, the only difference being that is was written in a reworded form. To say the least, it began to become slightly frustrating

 

This will probably be far less of a problem once I'm satisfied that the core of the concepts are in place, for the reasons that I stated above. A full rewrite often sees the word count plummet and the reuse of words being strangled mercilessly. There are artifacts aplenty of my four or five minor revisions right now.

 

Quality over quantity should be paramount, and half of your Origins just seems like filler and fluff. The article would be much better without the gloss, as it's hampering the IA in its current incarnation.

 

Since you've not seriously commented on one of my articles before, I find myself curious. What do you see as being extraneous and unnecessary?

 

Everything that I included as a major element is something I see as important, but it's incredibly hard to read your own writing in an objective fashion. Barring the repetition issue, I would love to know what seems like it doesn't belong.

 

as your skill with the English language (unlike most of us) is outstanding.

 

I'm decent but I go on too much, as you can see.

 

That said, this is steadily becoming one of my favorites of the 21st Founding Chapters that we (DIY creators) seem to share a certain fixation with. :)

 

You can blame it on Telveryon, since the Friars only exist because he said that he wanted to read my take on skeletal Marines when I was assisting with his Chapter.

[Tyrannicide]

You're absolutely right that the Origins segment is too long and repetitive, but that's an artifact of the way in which I polish the areas that contain the most glaring mistakes. A first draft goes up for commentary, then I patch, alter, and correct wherever I feel that the most glaring issues are, revising only portions until the rough form is where I want it to be. That's the point at which I sit down with the article pulled up as it stands in a browser window and the master copy in my text editor, and I rewrite the whole thing for flow purposes. The Exonerators suffered from the same problem that you're pointing out here until I sat down and completely reworked the entire thing from one end to the other. Even still, I think there are places in that writeup that I need to improve but I'm letting it sit so that I can impassively judge once my urges have had a chance to cool off.

It's definitely a hard process, but you seem to be steadily rising in the 'Liber-ite ranks'. By the way, it's great to see you've taken my advice into consideration. Originally I was thinking this could potentially get nasty, and it could have easily gone the other way. :lol:

 

Since you've not seriously commented on one of my articles before, I find myself curious. What do you see as being extraneous and unnecessary?

Hmm.

 

Well, I think the second and third paragraphs are a prime example of what I personally see as 'extraneous'. Those two paragraphs would be something that may be welcomed in a background source book, or something similar, but in the IA article does it really hold a place that you feel is important to your Chapter's growth? I think it's definitely something that could be shortened down into two to three sentences if you are attached to it, and if it holds a place of significance. I've honestly only skimmed through the Exonerators article, I thought it was pretty good but was never seriously involved in their progress. That's something I'd like to change starting now. I'll try and provide more feedback to articles and to the best of my ability, hopefully improving others while I work on my own writing. I've got something in the works right now, that's completely different from my disastrous exercise called the 'Godslayers'. I feel my current Chapter is spewing with character and some of the older members of the Liber faithful may remember them when I post their IA.

 

 

Everything that I included as a major element is something I see as important, but it's incredibly hard to read your own writing in an objective fashion. Barring the repetition issue, I would love to know what seems like it doesn't belong.

Besides the third and second paragraph I mentioned above, I'm not entirely sure what else doesn't belong. I'd just prefer reading IA: The Black Friars – the condensed version, in the end. Right now it's a little too descriptive, if you know what I mean. Most of that thought stems from the fact that you've overdeveloped the Origins section greatly, while it could be shortened vastly. Anyways I already went over that rant, I'm sure you catch my drift. ;)

 

 

You can blame it on Telveryon, since the Friars only exist because he said that he wanted to read my take on skeletal Marines when I was assisting with his Chapter.

Well I'm glad Telveryon influenced you, because I can see more character in the Black Friars now that I've had a chance to see your response. Initially after I finished reading your article, I thought to myself your main source of inspiration is probably Doctor Manhattan from the Watchmen series, which is an awesome source of a theme for a 21st Founding Chapter. While Watchmen is my favorite graphic novel, Doc Manhattan is quite a hard character to translate into the Space Marine archetype. If he was indeed one of the aspects that inspired you to create these guys, then I congratulate you on a certainly intriguing Chapter that you have here. :D

[Apothete]

It's definitely a hard process, but you seem to be steadily rising in the 'Liber-ite ranks'. By the way, it's great to see you've taken my advice into consideration. Originally I was thinking this could potentially get nasty, and it could have easily gone the other way. :huh:

 

If I'm going to post my own material for critique and do the kinds of research that's necessary to reach the standard that I hold myself to, it's only fair that I then turn around and give the sorts of analysis and knowledge that I wish brought to bear upon my writing. This board is meant to be a place where we can rely upon each other for honesty, community resources, and a willingness to aid one another in becoming better writers in every sense.

 

Besides, heated arguments tend to shut down the exchange of ideas rather than promote them.

 

Well, I think the second and third paragraphs are a prime example of what I personally see as 'extraneous'. Those two paragraphs would be something that may be welcomed in a background source book, or something similar, but in the IA article does it really hold a place that you feel is important to your Chapter's growth?

 

Actually, while you might be right that the material should be pared down to a less voluminous form, I absolutely do believe that the information in that subsection is vital in understanding who the Friars are and where they come from. They're directly sprung from the Imperial Fists and sent upon a mission that's religious in nature, one that would be somewhat anathemic to the more hardcore Astartes who don't believe in the deification of the Emperor. That contrast is important and it sets the stage for their slow and partial conversion during the trip out to their adoptive homeworld.

 

If you read any of the original Index Astartes for First Founding Chapters, that's the sort of detail which I would expect to come through. They're often in the thousands on the word count and the vast majority of their bulk comes from history, formative events, descriptions of important figures (usually Primarchs), and very light on things like Combat Doctrine and equipment. To be fair, I'm stting around the total word count of one of the official articles right now, but that's going to be rectified as the revision process continues.

 

I've honestly only skimmed through the Exonerators article, I thought it was pretty good but was never seriously involved in their progress. That's something I'd like to change starting now. I'll try and provide more feedback to articles and to the best of my ability, hopefully improving others while I work on my own writing. I've got something in the works right now, that's completely different from my disastrous exercise called the 'Godslayers'. I feel my current Chapter is spewing with character and some of the older members of the Liber faithful may remember them when I post their IA.

 

The Exonerators are enormous different from the first thoughts that I had when I finally decided to jump in and get my feet wet last fall, after a decade and a half of reading about the universe and not owning any armies of my own. There's no shame in giving up on the untenable aspects of your ideas and finding a way forward that you'll enjoy, and I'm finding that maintaining more than one project is a way for me to explore concepts that don't necessarily work when applied all at once.

 

Feel free to comment on them as well since they're still in development. I'm not satisfied enough to submit them to the Librarium yet.

 

 

Besides the third and second paragraph I mentioned above, I'm not entirely sure what else doesn't belong. I'd just prefer reading IA: The Black Friars – the condensed version, in the end. Right now it's a little too descriptive, if you know what I mean. Most of that thought stems from the fact that you've overdeveloped the Origins section greatly, while it could be shortened vastly. Anyways I already went over that rant, I'm sure you catch my drift. :P

 

I am, to be uncharacteristically terse, loquacious in the extreme.

 

Whether in writing or in person, I can almost always find something to say. The problem is making myself stop describing all the wonderful things that I can see inside of my head, since I'm usually thinking on at least five different tracks at any given time.

 

Well I'm glad Telveryon influenced you, because I can see more character in the Black Friars now that I've had a chance to see your response. Initially after I finished reading your article, I thought to myself your main source of inspiration is probably Doctor Manhattan from the Watchmen series, which is an awesome source of a theme for a 21st Founding Chapter.

 

I hadn't even looked at them in that light, but they actually do have elements in common with Dr. Manhatten and I'm surprised that the connection didn't occur to me earlier. The influence is clearly there in what I wrote, though I would be lying if I claimed that I did it consciously. Here I was, thinking that the things I'd been reading over the last year weren't coloring my thoughts as much...

 

While Watchmen is my favorite graphic novel, Doc Manhattan is quite a hard character to translate into the Space Marine archetype. If he was indeed one of the aspects that inspired you to create these guys, then I congratulate you on a certainly intriguing Chapter that you have here.

 

My subconscious mind thanks you, because I can clearly see now where the suggestion of that character shows in what I've done.

 

This is also why I'm afraid to post any of my conversion ideas on a different board, because they're very big on attribution and accuse fairly readily of stealing if you don't name the person who inspired you. I've read so much on the Imperium and wasted so many hours on looking at miniatures and conversions that others have done and honestly can't even begin to cite my influences on visual style anymore.

[Apothete]

First pass on clean up and word count cutting is done. I managed to slash out about 550-600 words while still keeping things in line with my vision for the Chapter.

 

Any glaring issues?

[Telveryon]

Decades would pass as the minions of the Ecclesiarchy dwindled and neophytes were taken from the worlds that the fleet passed, gradually swelling their ranks until the Chapter is nearing full numbers by the time the meandering trail neared its end.

I am by no means and English expert but the last part of that sentence just doesn't sound as it should, something to do with tenses I think...

 

Facing what the dead Knight Praxis claimed was a resurrection of miraculous character, the Abbots did what they must. Reigniting the furnaces after only a handful of minutes, they shut out the cries from within the forge and purged the serfs and servitors who had witnessed the event.

Very big issue with the article as a whole are these strange titles like Knight Praxis and Abbots, you should clarify in some way to which standard rank they are equivalent.

 

In the searing heat of the sudden rush of nuclear fire...

To my knowledge, plasma and nuclear fire are two quite different things.

 

Other then those minor nitpicks, it's a excellent read. It's only true drawback is that it's no complete, I myself can't wait for the Beliefs section. You should consider expanding Organization section as well to include those funky ranks and maybe say how did they reorganize themselves after they died.

[Ace Debonair]

Gosh. This really is quite an entertaining read!

 

The revived chapter has more than a slighly eerie feel to them. I'll readily admit that reading that made me feel uneasy - I'm used to the undead being the bad guys! ;)

 

Having read several of the chapter creation stories on this website has really made the rough draft I'd written look incredibly shoddy. I can see I have a heck of a lot of work to do to match some of the stories I've read!

 

I look forward to reading about the beliefs and combat organisation of the black friars. I can't help but think something other than the "we're-immortal-what-the-hell-does-it-matter-how-we-line-up" approach would really define this chapter, even beyond what you've already done.

[Apothete]

I am by no means and English expert but the last part of that sentence just doesn't sound as it should, something to do with tenses I think...

 

You're probably right, and I'll slate it for the next revision pass.

 

Very big issue with the article as a whole are these strange titles like Knight Praxis and Abbots, you should clarify in some way to which standard rank they are equivalent.

 

Now that I have time to write again, I'll probably do that section next and then go back to revising the Origins section once I have more of a reference for those who don't have my mental notes to operate from. Most of the roles are renamings of standard Codex designations, intended to suit the one theme I included which nobody has yet commented upon.

 

To my knowledge, plasma and nuclear fire are two quite different things.

 

It depends on whether ships operate by nuclear fusion or nuclear fission. Since plasma is the product of a fusion reaction and I believe that it's those sorts of reactors which would be in use in the 40k universe, I've never really drawn much of a distinction between the two in my writing.

 

As a side note, I sometimes wonder if the in-system drives of Imperial starships would use ion drives

 

Other then those minor nitpicks, it's a excellent read. It's only true drawback is that it's no complete, I myself can't wait for the Beliefs section. You should consider expanding Organization section as well to include those funky ranks and maybe say how did they reorganize themselves after they died.

 

Thanks for the compliments, and I'll definitely be finishing them as soon as the muses allow. I'm still recovering from all the work that I had to do for that pesky paycheck but I'll be right back at it sooner rather than later.

 

Gosh. This really is quite an entertaining read!

 

Thank you.

 

Feel free to read and comment on my other two projects, both linked in my signature.

 

The revived chapter has more than a slighly eerie feel to them. I'll readily admit that reading that made me feel uneasy - I'm used to the undead being the bad guys! ^_^

 

I can't claim to be the originator of the idea, since this is my version of a concept first developed and explored by Telveryon. We were going back and forth on his version of Loyalist skeletal marines and I found myself harboring certain ideas of my own, so I started this thread and began to explore the ramifications and origins of such a Chapter.

 

Having read several of the chapter creation stories on this website has really made the rough draft I'd written look incredibly shoddy. I can see I have a heck of a lot of work to do to match some of the stories I've read!

 

If it makes you feel any better, my original draft posting that I submitted some eight months ago was pretty bad. It seems to be something of a tradition around here, and so there's nothing to be ashamed of if you think that other people are outshining you. Even having someone come by and glowingly praise my work doesn't make the things I see other people come up with any less impressive to me, after all.

 

I look forward to reading about the beliefs and combat organisation of the black friars. I can't help but think something other than the "we're-immortal-what-the-hell-does-it-matter-how-we-line-up" approach would really define this chapter, even beyond what you've already done.

 

Oh, there are plans...