The Lions of Shadow WT(Still?)

[Ace Debonair]

It's perfectly acceptable to make up a battle or two for your chapter to star in. The gods know it's easier than trying to sneak a bit of glory off the major battles, and also less people will complain. :P

 

The revised story is pretty good!

Although, I'm not sure why Alexander didn't go on to lead the chapter...

Perhaps having him suffer a mortal wound rather than being knocked unconscious? Have somebody take advantage of Alexander's turned back while Raziel tries to restrain him? :D

 

Yes, major chapters can come in and help you in battles. Make them look good and it'll work just fine.

 

Arch-enemies can help define a chapter, but as for what to fight...

Well, whichever enemy you'd most like to beat on will do just fine. :)

 

Outlines are easier to write, and it's too easy to get bogged down in descriptions of battles.

 

Hope I've answered some of your questions.

[commander alexander]

Thankyou for the replies eeryone, ive finally gotten to read them after a week. I will post up some more ideas later.

[commander alexander]

Okay here we go.

As a reply as to why Alexander is not chapter master, the chapter (as in the council) has tried to revive him on one other occasion, in which he awoke, enraged as ever and went about killing four captains (the last survivors of their founding, with the exception of reziel and ares) , so they let sleeping dogs (Lions) lie (lay?).

 

Okay now for recent battles and engagements.

Currently finished two campaigns in the eastern fringe of the galaxy against the races of the tau, and tyranids. The recapture of Sa'Tar from the tau, a small imperial world was quite successful. The ruble and ruins of imperial buildings was used to great advantage by the Lions of Shadow, some even claiming the head of ethreals and enemy commanders in the deadly assaults and ambush'. The world was taken with minimal casualties, although the enemy was still able to withdraw.

 

On the world Kuniyo, the Lions of Shadow have suffered. With the threat of tryanid attack growing, the chapter deployed six full companies, with substantial support from the armored company. There was little time to deploy and ready themselves before the tryanid assault, and where only able to build minimal fortifications around the capital hive city, Yusai. With minimal cover in the open hills around the city, the Lions were at a disadvantage, and the tyranids were able to charge in great swarms. The Lions made huge gun lines, making use of whatever cover they could, the chapter suffered the loss of nearly three companies in these desperate last stands before being reinforced by the Fire Lords and the Marines Exemplar. The Lions of Shadow owe these chapters their gratitude, and made sure that they could be called upon for their help in return.

[commander alexander]

I will update before the end of summer with an upcoming battle, an apocalypse game ive been planning, the campaign for the Assyrian System.........

As of now the chapter is looking for aide from other chapters, but so far none have answered. The chapter is weakened with the loss of nearly four companies in its previous campaigns, and recruitment is slow. Reziel fears he may have to call upon their aide, and the chapters secrets and integrity is in danger, will they be shunned, or will they become heroes? The chapters future is on the knifes edge, and the balance is in the hands of fate, will their brethren answer their call, or cast them into extinction?

[commander alexander]

Hey you guys, as said in the post above Im going to have an apoc game, which could be the end of my chapter, so they are pullin' out everything they can. So they are going to "release" alexander. Im trying to make a datasheet for him, if you guys wouldnt mind putting your opinion in on him that would be great, there should be a link in my sig.

 

Also, I seem to be the only one looking at this for quite a while, I still think it is unfinished, and I would appreciate your help, and enjoy any suggestions or ideas you have.

 

Tanks,

CA ^_^

[Ace Debonair]

The waking up alexander thing is a nice idea.

 

Guy wakes up and kills 4 marines, I think I'd want him to go back to sleep too. B)

 

I look forward to seeing the recent history added into the chapter's description, too.

[commander alexander]

Thanks Ace, I added the two campaigns into the Recent History.

[commander alexander]

added planet info

[commander alexander]

Anyone? Any opinions, or do you think its finished? I would still like to add more, and any suggestions on where would be great. Also, i read in someone else's thread, that they intend to enter it into the librarium, can you do this? :D

[Marshal van Trapp]

hmm did you perhaps read it on mine? :)

yes you can, in fact there is a whole area reserved for Index Astartes articles, and in it, an area for DIY chapter Index Astartes, that is where i intend to enter mine, for all to see, so i can be remembered in the annuls of the librarium for chapters to come... and cause i want to have something in the librarium heh

 

you can find the Liber Astartes articles here: Liber Astartes - Loyalist DIY Astartes Articles

[commander alexander]

Aghhh, Thankyou for the link :)

[Marshal van Trapp]

no problem, i read those new IA religiously, it helps me to think up idea of my own to use, they give some great inspiration of whats out there, and armed with that knowledge one can improve their own articles

[commander alexander]

sounds like a good source of info.

[commander alexander]

Anyone :D ?

[commander alexander]

New fluff.

-Some veterans are awarded tears of blood. These symbols upon their armor represent the loss of brothers on the battlefield, and of the loss of the lion. Sometimes these teardrops have wings added to signify loss as a member of an assault squad or company.

 

-In the tribes of Conifira the hunters have a strange ritual. When the hunting party has slain a great beast, they share its blood in drink, to gain its strength, and to show respect to one another. The Lions of Shadow have adopted this, and it is practiced to this day. Some veterans selected by captain, chapter master, or some other individual, may have a gauntlet about their armor. This signifies the respect the said individual has for the veteran(s), and that they may join in celebration or conversation after a battle.

 

-This is basically so I can have fluff to say why I have BA iconography if I ever get space hulk.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Also, i read in someone else's thread, that they intend to enter it into the librarium, can you do this?.

 

You certainly can, providing it meets the criteria.

 

*Limbers up* Let's have a look then. From the top down:

 

Your presentation is good, but your formatting could use some work. Have a look at some of the finished Librarium articles to see what sections you should be using, or if you've got access to some of the original GW IA articles (specifically the non-First Founding Chapters), then that's even better. Your colour scheme pictures could use splitting up - perhaps move one down the article?

 

Succesor of: Secret

 

Unknown would be better for a formal IA. Though if you're going down this route it's much better to provide a reason why they don't know. The AdMech is capable of identifying gene-seed types (after all they hold the samples, including the Traitor ones), so it wouldn't be that hard to find out if your gene-seed matched a Legion's type. If you don't want to do that, but still want unknown gene-seed, then I suggest literally making it a secret by losing all references to it in the IA. Personally, I would recommend just picking a gene-seed type - you'd be surprised just how many people try to make their DIYs different by having unknown gene-seed. Frankly, it doesn't really make you any different than if you had picked Ultramarine gene-seed.

 

Also, it's spelt "Successor", though IMO "Gene-seed" would be better.

 

Strength: Officially~1100

Color Scheme (in order of most used/coverage): Black, green, gray.

 

Your strength is codex, and you've included a picture of your colour scheme, so this is redundant information.

 

Alexander, was a highly skilled captain of the Dark Angels during the heresy, and is in secret, the chapter master.

 

This sentence could use reformatting. How about "Alexander, a highly skilled Dark Angels Captain from the time if the Heresy, serves as the secret Chapter Master of the Lions of Shadow."

 

Also, given that Alexander seems to be a major character, it would be better if he had his own sidebar, though his part in founding the Chapter can still go in the main text

 

He is known for his ability to infiltrate, without being noticed,

 

Again, redundant information. Infiltration does require you to go unnoticed, so the "without being noticed" section can go.

 

The heresy erupts and as it is officially said, when the lion returned from terra there was a betrayal led by Luther. Well as said the battle begins. Alexander and the majority of his company, join in the assault. Alexander becomes bogged down in the melee, when he catches sight of Luther and the lion fighting. When he sees with his own eyes that the rumors and information where true something bad happened, Luther had been like an uncle to him when he was growing up on Caliban before the emperors arrival, Luther's betrayal to the emperor and the lion, was a betrayal to him.

 

You don't need to tell the story of the Heresy. Just assume the reader knows.

 

The lion had no more psychic potential than the rest of the primarchs, and neither did Alexander, or so we thought. Perhaps someone sensed it, and said nothing of it, perhaps it was overlooked it, or at the time it was so small, and buried so deep, it wasn’t noticeable. Anyways at that moment in time he was psychically awakened.

 

You're making vast assumptions about the Primarchs (which really should be left to GW), and are doing a rather conspicious copy-paste of Zahariel's beginnings. Just having him as a Captain is fine - bear in mind that almost all heroes have humble beginnings. You need to change your Chapter to fit the 40k universe, not change the 40k universe to fit your Chapter. Frankly, the whole psychic thing does nothing for him, and to my eyes just makes it look like you're trying to big him up. He's a Space Marine - there's no such thing as mediocrity.

 

But before he could reach the lion and Luther, he, and his company were sucked into the warp.

 

It's Warp ex Machina, but it's GW-sanctioned, so that's fine. Just have him fighting on Caliban though - don't try and shoehorn your character(s) into a pivotal role in a well-known battle.

 

When they arrived from the warp, it was as if not a moment had passed. Still enraged he began to kill the comrades that were still with him. Reziel, a newly promoted chaplain, and Alexander’s childhood friend made a desperate attempt to stop him. Reziel was able to knock him unconscious, but in the process, was nearly killed. Luckily their where some imperial forces nearby on the planet on which they arrived.

 

Mostly good stuff - just capitalise "Chaplain" and "Imperial". What I don't like is the presence of the Imperial forces - it's Deus ex Machina. You've got 200-300 Space Marines with you - that's 2-3 Companies. You don't really need other Imperial forces. What you do need is off-world transportation. Why not have your force being picked up by one of the Loyalist Legions pushing the Traitors back across the galaxy? The Scouring is, after all, taking place at this point. It's still Deus ex Machina, but it's more plausible than reappearing on the 'correct' planet.

 

So they were met by some upturned noses for being DAs. After finding out why, they were ashamed. After some long debating and pleading, along with an IOU, they where given ship, and after learning the major things to happen in the past, they headed for terra, to speak to the high lords.

 

If you got sucked into the Warp along with the Fallen, the DA will execute you if they find out. Presumption of innocence does not exist in 40k. They will think you too are Fallen and will execute you to be on the safe side.

 

How about, knowing what has happened in the DA and knowing they'll be executed if they get found out, they decide to go to Terra as if they were an official training cadre for a new Chapter? Given the amount of confusion in the Imperium at this point, it is quite plausible that they could get away with it.

 

After his arrival, Reziel was able to speak to them. After being thoroughly tested for taint, they were given the go ahead to join their chapter, or begin a new one with the stock of the Lions geneseed on terra. But Reziel was ashamed, and asked that he not be associated with these men. The High Lords agreed to the requests of Reziel, and altered Imperial records to make them unclear, so as to not raise suspicion. And so the Lions of Shadow where born.

 

I wouldn't go direct to the top - they are intelligent people, they can work out who you are, they have no reason to help you, and they are more than capable of having you executed if they are suspicious of you. Why not masquerade as an official training cadre for one of the new Chapters? The new-born Administratum is unlikely to twig that you're not who you say you are (as they literally were born yesterday). You'd have to wait a couple of hundred years, since the Second Founding will already have had their training cadres assigned (conveniently, this stops you interfering with official GW history). That means you can be Third Founding onwards, and you can slip your 'extra' 200-300 Marines into the new recruits to make up the numbers.

 

This also puts you in the right place to fudge your own records, if you want to go with unknown gene-seed, rather than having someone else do it for you.

 

To this day, Alexander is kept unconscious in a stasis field, deep within the fortress-monestary.

 

I like it, but it should go in his sidebar.

 

The Lions of Shadow are a unique and skilled chapter.

 

So is everyone else. This doesn't need to be here.

 

The Lions specialize in stealth and close combat fighting, often using these skills to set an ambush. Due to the centuries of this fighting style, their gene-seed has changed to better suit these skills. The Occulobe, Lyman's Ear, Omophagea, Neuroglottis, and Biscopea, have all increased slightly in strength, the chapter has found that their gene-seed has mutated.

 

Mutated gene-seed will lead to an official investigation. Even if there's no taint to find, with their dubious past your guys really don't want the Inquisition and AdMech sniffing around. I'd lose this. You're Space Marines - awesomeness comes as standard. I'd cut this out.

 

The chapter is unfortunately at a disadvantage in open fields, were there is little cover, armies of more amassed fire power can be used against the chapter to their full effect.

 

Due to low manpower, this is something all Chapters suffer from. Take it as a given, and cut the explicit statement out.

 

The Lions of Shadow are not unlike many other chapters in the core of their beliefs, to serve the Emperor, and the Imperium to the best of their abilities.

 

If you're not doing that, you're traitorous. This doesn't need to be stated - just being a loyalist Chapter implies it.

 

Although some chapters despise fighting alongside the likes of the Imperial Guard, and the Inquisition, the Lions hold no such barriers. The Lions will fight alongside any ally as long as it serves as a tactical advantage. In fact, many veterans in the chapter have served in the deathwatch, which often leads to the chapter gaining certain privileges and favors from members of the Inquisition. The chapter of course, has iconography of the lion, a symbol of righteousness, strength, and purity through-out the Imperium. But they also have other influences about their person. Also the ram, angels, and eagles, are included in their iconography.

 

Not fighting alongside the Inquisition or Imperial Guard is the exception not the rule. You don't need to come out and say that you're not part of the exception - it's redundant.

 

The 'tactical advantage' situation is quite interesting - seems almost Machiavellian. Could you expand on this? A ruthless streak, perhaps?

 

"Good relations" would be better. Members of the Inquisition are under no obligation whatsoever to give you favours for doing your duty. You've just served regularly with them. Also, "Deathwatch" is a proper noun.

 

Unless these animals form part of the Chapter cult (which IMO would be a good idea in the case of the lion), don't mention them. Drive-by references have a tendency to look unfinished and like you are name-dropping.

 

Alexander is not chapter master, the chapter (as in the council) has tried to revive him on one other occasion, in which he awoke, enraged as ever and went about killing four captains (the last survivors of their founding, with the exception of Reziel and Ares) , so they let sleeping dogs (Lions) lie (lay?).

 

This is all good, though it could use rewording.

 

"Chapter Master" is a proper noun, as is "Chapter", "Captain", "Founding" and "Council"

 

Something like this might be better:

 

"Alexander does not serve as the Chapter Master, although he remains the nominal head of the Chapter. The Chapter is instead commanded by a Council of Captains in Alexander's absence. The Council has tried to wake Alexander on at least one occasion, but he remained in the grip of the rage that engulfed him during the battle for Caliban, and slew four of the Captains before he could be returned to his sleep (a polite way of saying they bludgeoned him unconscious)."

 

If you want, you could call him the "de jure" head of the Chapter, and the Council as "de facto" heads.

 

Companies: 11. . The tenth company is the armoured company, the eleventh is the scout. The tenth consists of the chapters techmarines, and any vehicles and their crew that are not dreadnoughts, or transports standardly attacthed to companies, although all are in their care.

 

This could use expansion and explanation. Something like:

"Rather than forming a central pool, the Techmarines and the armoured vehicles in their care form a separate company of their own, the Tenth, with the Scout Company becoming the eleventh. Transport vehicles and Dreadnoughts remain assigned to their respective companies, but all other armoured vehicles and their Custodians form part of the Tenth. Because of this, Custodians are no longer drawn from the Sixth and Seventh Companies, and so the Chapter has access to a dedicated pool of Custodians."

 

This also explains why your Chapter numbers are slightly higher than normal. If you want, you could also say that the Tenth are responsible for fleet security, and that the Master of the Tenth is also the Master of the Fleet (I would make him a standard Captain rather than a Techmarine though). It's an interesting organisational quirk - I like it. :)

 

BTW, Custodians are the name that the Imperial Armour series uses for SM vehicle crew. They're not to be confused with the Adeptus Custodes.

 

However, due to the fleetlike operation of the companies, the tenth and eleventh companies are "shared" or split up amongst the other companies.

 

I think "flexible" is the word you are looking for here. To help people understand, it might be useful to point out that they are split up are rarely formed as one in the same manner as a Codex First Company. Plus, "Tenth Company" "Eleventh Company" are proper nouns, even if you leave off the "Company" at the end. You still need to capitalise it so people know what you are referring to.

 

---Notable Leaders, Members.

-Chapter master: None. Lead by council of captains and other chapter leaders, who elect a "campaign master(s)", to lead the current campaign(s) the chapter is involved in.

-Reziel, Ancient, Dreadnought, head of the council, and Master of the Reclusiam leads the chapter into battle. His fury is that of a mountain.

-Master of the Forge: Ares. An ancient of the chapter. His wisdom is one of the greates assets to the chapter.

-1st Company:Terminator Veteran comany. They are the lions with silver manes.

-2nd Company: Assault/bike company. Captain Hector, Master of the blade.

-3rd Company: Battle company. Captain Cepholus, the head-hunter, tactician, and honored brother.

 

This should be cut out and put in a sidebar of it's own, about the Council.

 

Sqauds

 

In all cases, this should be "Squads" (although it's not always a proper noun).

 

Sqauds range in numbers of five, to numbers of ten. Often Sqauds are deployed independantly, also groups of squads(~2-3) may be deployed as "packs". Although "Prides", large companies or groups of companies are more likely to operate indepently fromm the chapter, making the chapter fleetlike, and often recruitment may happen on another world, although it is frowned upon. Squads are formed from recruits across the planet, often encouraging some friendly competition among their brothers, yet respect and trust are held in the highest regard. Often, if the mission allows it, brothers compete for the big kill or trophy. If anything of notable value or importance is attained, it is kept safe, until the marine reaches veteran status, and may carry marks and trophies.

 

This can be summed up much more concisely:

 

"Squads can form larger, modular groups known as Packs under a single Pack Leader, allowing for greater cohesion. Large strike forces can operate in a similar manner, known as Prides."

 

"Veteran battle-brothers are allowed to display trophies of their kills, and indeed this is encouraged by the Chapter leadership."

 

I've put the two separately because the sentences aren't actually related to each other, they just appear next to each other in the text. I like the idea of taking trophies - it introduces a darker side to the Chapter.

 

Techmarines are regarded with respect in the chapter, as much you would respect a sgt. from a different squad.

 

The same is true in all Chapters. Being part of the Machine Cult means the regular Marines often see them as mysterious figures - they don't disrespect them.

 

Due to the chapters affiliation with the Deathwatch, research of xenos tech is permitted as long as it serves purpose in fighting them.

 

Heresy. That's outright tech-heresy. If you get caught, you're dead. Xenotech research is only permitted on Mars, under tight supervision, and out of necessity - they need to find out its weaknesses, not to use it. Moreover, you've implicated the Deathwatch - that's just not happening. It's like saying the Grey Knights help you to create Daemonhosts - it isn't going to work.

 

If you want to go down this road, fine - just be aware that it's heresy. Some doors will be closed to you (because they'd get you caught), while others will now be open.

 

I'll do this in two posts.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Ares, the master of the forge has been alive since before the heresy, and his knowledge of technology is valuable. Ares, when not in need, is usually in stasis, as his body is suprisingly unaltered. Ares believes that the most beutifal machine, is that of the astartes form, and has only replaced what has permanently been lost. This is also reflected upon the other techmarines of the chapter. Something else that is different about the techmarines of the chapter, is their role on the battlefield. The techmarines fill their normal roles, it is not unheardof for them to lead squads or packs. This is often because of his valuable experience and knowledge, as well as his abilities in the field.

 

That's an interesting take on the Techmarines. Almost Magos Biologis in philosophy, it's very good. Couple of spelling points though: "Master of the Forge" is a proper noun, as is "Heresy", "Astartes", "Techmarines" and "Chapter". Misspelt words are "surprisingly", "beautiful", and "unheard-of". It should also be "While the Techmarines fulfil their normal roles . . .", and " . . . because of their valuable experience . . . as well as their abilities . . ."

 

Unlike their DA bretheren, the Lions do not resort to such dark, and near heretical ways to punish the fallen. In battle, those who are members of the council seek out the fallen, they honorably fight them in single combat, and before they land the finishing blow,(asuming the fallen is on his back, mortally wounded) they inquire their names, and any information they are willing to give, and send their soul to the emperor with the purity of the blade.

 

Shoot first, ask questions later? This really doesn't make sense. Torture isn't heretical, and the whole universe is Grimdark. Polite inquiries don't get much from heretics, and will your questioning really be foiled if the Fallen falls forwards? This needs reworking.

 

Conifara is planet outside of Imperial space, past the Segmenum Obscurus in the Cyngus Arm.

 

"Segmentum", "Cygnus" and "a planet". More to the point, if a Chapter is based there, then it either already is Imperial space or you will make it Imperial space. Unless your Chapter mimics the male lion (lying around doing nothing), basing them outside of Imperial space is a contradiction in terms.

 

The forests are moslty coniferous in nature. the reason its a deathworld is because within the shadows in the forest lurk an untold number of extremely dangerous predators.

 

"The forests are mostly coniferous, and within their shadows lurk many dangerous predators."

 

The most dangerous of thes animals, is the shadow lion. It is a great beast, covered in black and greay fur, and eyes a green so dark it may as well be black. These lions are cunning, and ferocious, and have been known to slaughter whole villages by attacking them outright, or by picking them off, one by one. But of course, there are exceptions. Lions that live near the coast tend to be smaller, as food sources on land become more scarce. Lions towards the polar regions tend to be white or grey, and their eyesight in low light areas is far weaker. In these other enviroments, different predators may come to the top off the food chain, such as great serpents from the ocean, and birdlike creatures that decend upon their prey without a whisper.

 

This is all great background for your Chapter, but it's probably a little too detailed to go in the IA. You don't want to get bogged down describing every aspect of your Chapter's homeworld. Just take the first three sentences and rework them. Something along the lines of:

 

"The most dangerous of these predators is the shadow lion. A great beast, covered in black and grey fur, it has been known to slaughter entire villages through cunning or brute force."

 

The green-black eyes thing was contradictory, so I've removed it. Either it's got green eyes, black eyes, or dark green eyes. More to the point, it was a little too detailed.

 

Many tribes very in their culture, from language to skills and physcal appearance

 

"Vary" and "physical"

 

and often become leaders

 

" . . . and any who do often become leaders . . ."

 

If bringing down one of these beasts is to be a hereo

 

That should be "hero"

 

all due to the strong and somewhat needed mistrust of the forest

 

" . . . strong and necessary . . ."

 

always waiting for the right moment to strike, those that dont, die.

 

" . . . always waiting for the right moment to strike. Those that do not, die."

 

It just puts that little bit of emphasis on how much survival technique is needed.

 

The Fortress-Monestary is Hidden within the granite mountains

 

"Fortress-Monastery", and "hidden".

 

these mountains are dangerous to traverse, consisting of near shear cliffs

 

"These mountains", and "sheer cliffs".

 

There are also other worlds, a forgeworld, a hive world, a ghost world(minerals and weapons testing/training), and an agriworld dedictated to supporting the chapter and nearby imperial establishments.

 

How convenient. And rather tacky, if I'm honest. You're quite capable of surviving with just your homeworld. The 'pet forgeworld' thing is something that crops up a lot in DIYing. The AdMech do do door-to-door delivery, you don't need to have a nearby forgeworld in order to ensure you get supplies. Chapters have their own forges, and the AdMech delivers what they can't make themselves.

 

The recruitment of new marines for the Lions is a slow process. It is up to the sgts. of the 11th company to see this task out. The marines are ever watchful over the tribes of their planet, never interfeering, but always watching. Those young men which aspire to become strong and cunning warrior hunters are selected to become astartes. Some sgt.s allow their recruits to say farwell to their tribe, most do not. And if these young men bear trophies of the hunt, they may not bear them until they reach veteran status, or until death.

 

We can assume the reader is aware of standard Space Marine recruitment procedures, and has already read the part about veterans bearing trophies. This can be cut out.

 

Upon reaching veteran status, marines may have their own personal heraldry, most often from the lore and culture of their tribes. Most however already have tattoes apon them, a sign of strength and the beggining of manhood in the majority of the tribes.

 

"Tattoos" and "beginning". This whole tattoos and personal heraldry thing is good, but could use some expansion. Does any of it tie into the Chapter cult?

 

Currently finished two campaigns in the eastern fringe of the galaxy against the races of the tau, and tyranids.Ancient Brother Reziel wished to have the chapter gain expeience against the tryanid race, as he fears them as a great threat against the Imperium.

 

So rather than face off against the tendril of Hive Fleet Leviathan chewing up Segmentum Tempestus (next door to you), you went half-way across the galaxy to face a Hive Fleet that no-one else saw coming?

 

Involvment against the Tau empire was a request of the Deathwatch, in particular, the capture and study of xenos and xenos technology, something some of the techmarines where eager to execute.

 

This could work in one of two ways. Either your Deathwatch veterans taught anti-Tau warfare to the rest of the Chapter, or because you're involved in tech-heresy you had to go and get the xenotech yourselves. Otherwise it looks like you're deliberately trying to circumvent the limitations of your galactic location. If you want to fight the Tyranids (other than Leviathan) or the Tau, be an Eastern Fringe Chapter.

 

During the “mop-up” of this world, Captain Cepholus was assassinated. Veteran Sgt, Augustus pursued. Augustus has identified the assailant as a dark eldar assassin, but was nearly killed in the pursuit, and the xenos escaped. The reason as to why the assassination occurred is unknown, as the chapter has had very few encounters with the dark eldar.

 

This is the Dark Eldar - one of the few races where "because they wanted to" works. Plus this is tied to you being on the Eastern Fringe at all.

 

On the world Kuniyo, the Lions of Shadow have suffered. With the threat of tyranid attack growing, the chapter deployed six full companies, with substantial support from the armored company. There was little time to deploy and ready themselves before the tyranid assault, and where only able to build minimal fortifications around the capital hive city, Yusai. With minimal cover in the open hills around the city, the Lions were at a disadvantage, and the tyranids were able to charge in great swarms. The Lions made huge gun lines, making use of whatever cover they could, the chapter suffered the loss of nearly three companies in these desperate last stands before being reinforced by the Fire Lords and the Marines Exemplar. The Lions of Shadow owe these chapters their gratitude, and made the offer of their help in return, whenever needed.

 

Change to Hive Fleet Leviathan and you'll be fine. Just one small point - cut out the "offer of help in return". As Brother Astartes, you should do that anyway (as should they). Gratitude is good enough.

 

Game Play

 

Gameplay rules are fine, but probably shouldn't be in an IA. They belong in the Homegrown Rules forum.

 

 

Overall, you done some good work. The foundations are mostly solid, with one or two issues, and you've done very well at introducing some interesting quirks without needing to go highly non-codex. Formatting and presentation are fine, although one or two improvements could be made. Aside from the issues I highlighted, it's mostly spelling and grammar that needs work. This is well past the "just an idea" stage, and it's just the issues that I highlighted that are keeping it from being Librarium standard. :tu:

[commander alexander]

I finally found it! It took me a really long time to find this old thread again.

 

So anyways, I'm tired of Space Wolves for fluff and painting, so I'm back to my DIY chapter. I probably won't be doing a whole lot with it, but I'm back to it. Still might use other Codi, but not painting or modelling any more SW, I'm too lazy.