Little Russy Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 OK I asked if this whole story thing was a good idea at all a few days ago and although I didn't get to many responses I decided to go with it anyway cause I be awesome like that or w/e. Anyway I wrote this mostly for my love of Warhammer and all that jazz. And while I am at it I must implore to all that read this that I do not own any of this lore and is all pure skepticism and all character rights belong to Gamesworkshop. So give them some credit for making a awesome lore based treasure trove that have kept so many of us up at 3 in the mourning painting tiny little men. Ass kissing aside I have to admit that this is just a introductory short story to gauge the general receptiveness of this idea. If the outcome is good I will be more than happy to write many more of these stories in my free time when I am not painting and doing school. So without further distraction here is my writing at its finest. ;) *Discussions with the Emperor* "Daddy why do all of us have different last names?" asked Horus. "Well son, college is one crazy place, you will know when your older." *Beginnings* Twas a normal kind of day under the polluted sky of the planet of Terra. Or the birthplace of the Imperium as it was more known in the days after the Unification Wars. A kind of day that didn't seem any more different than the one before it. The sky was a cheerful grey, and the palace grounds were bustling with hurrying servitors and Custodes. The "backyard" of the palace was the plaything to the sons of the Emperor in their boring days after tutoring from the scholars of the Imperium. The garden was the location of a massive fountain to the glory of the Emperor. Depicting scences of battle and glory in his days of war. Two of these sons were relaxing in the garden of paradise, one leaning against the side of a marble stud, the other lying on top of the same stud of ornatly decorated stud. The location of the garden was near the ammo dump that the Custodes used to hold their ammunition. These kids weren't just any kids though. They were the sons of the Emperor of Mankind, perhaps the greatest man to have ever lived. They were genetically designed to be perfect in their own way. Before they achieved their true potential they would of course have to get though grade school. After all its a harsh galaxy out there. Their story goes a little like this. "Hey Sany what do you think pop does all day anyway. Being the Emperor all day. I bet its just a title, like a public figure or something. I bet he just sits around and argues about believing in anything higher than himself." "I don't know. Why do you ask, you want to follow in his footsteps my smelly brother?" "Nah, that don't sound too cool, dad needs to chill out for a bit and get into a good fight, really lets you burn off some steam. Just kinda bored outta my skull. Damn teach hates my guts cause I wanted to fight that one jerk eyein' my from across the classroom." "I think he was just trying to find the source of the source of the wet dog smell. Besides why do you choose to fight? That time could be spent doing something much more noble. Like painting and the musical arts." "Painting huh, what are you some kinda sissy brother. If I didn't know we were related I would say your dads favorite daughter, although I think Fulgrim takes that spot real nice like. Speaking of which, which bro is in line for a good teasing to daddy's arms gonna be this find afternoon. How about Magnus, I love making fun of his freaky three eyed glasses, can never stop giving him frak on that." "Leman if I didn't know better, I would say you were raised by a pack of rabid wolves." "Ah to hell with you Sany, go get some sun you winged freak, you look like one of dads marble statues back in the Hall of Glory." said Leman with a snide grin on his face. "But my composure is leagues ahead of you my brother. At least I can keep the fleas out of my hair." said Sany with clear annoyance on his face To all but the most blind this was all too apparent. Leman Russ, the wild animal of the family, looked much like a common ruffian than a son of a soon-to-be galaxy spanning empire. His face looks like something that one would think of in a cheesy Norse romance holocast. Strong looking and way to much hair for a 16 year old man should have. If he let his small stubble hair grow any longer he would most likely have a beard to rival most people with long grey streaks in their locks. His orange hair was swept back inertly and would be commonplace to have fleas and sticks accompanying its space. His strangely long canines were always showing as Leman always had a look of a man who was going to be cheerfully indifferent to anything thrown his way. His outfit was fitting for his face and made him look all the more like a long known fad as a greaser. His black leather jacket was torn in so many places, covering a grey blue shirt, or what remained of, that was a entire platelet of colours. From golden yellow to dark blue due to all the accumulated stains and smears. His blue jeans were torn and loose around his powerful legs. Almost looking as if they could be torn to shreds of Leman went into one of his well known sprints he would jump into when one of his friends or brothers was in trouble or needed help. Although most would be skeptical of receiving help from the bad boy. As the smell from his body could overpower the smell of the fuel from a shuttlebus in the process of taking off. "Well what about you mister dress up, it looks like your about to go to a damn tea party all the time." He rebutted. Leman did have a point, also known as Sanguinius to the more noble aspects of Terra, was known for overdressing for all occasions. His well-Kept blond hair was immaculate even with it stretching back all the way to his back. His sharp noble face was always clean and handsome. He was quiet the lover boy back in the schola.. A common icebrecker would be his long elegent wings that would seamlessly unfold from his back. His outfit usually consisted of a clean and well pressed suit with his trademark blood red tie. "I want to give a good impression to all that I meet as a Noble's son and not a common criminal. Although I am under the impression that anything I say to you will go in one ear and out the other," said Sanguinius with a friendly brotherly grin on his face. "Yea well you know. All thous darn teachers say I have such a problem with following the rules that I might as well fill the part, stupid rule following gits. Always going on and on about following the established rules. I get enough of that crap from Robert." Leman said with obvious annoyance on his chisled face, eye twiching as he thought about it. "The only reason I don't sock him one is because of him being my brother. Although he needs to seriously relax. Always so darn straight backed. Oh! And have you seen his room? Its like a darn metal box with a bed and a desk, talk about only going with spartan pleasures. Hell if you bring him to a party he is like a dried out piece of toast. Always going on and on about that darn book he is writing." Leman continued soberly. "Yes, Robert is a bit strange. But do not try to change the subject brother. You must dress to your princely role." "What ever you say you winged weirdo." After this the two men looked around sheepishly with obvious boredom . Leman looking high into the sky as if something exciting would happen. Sanguinius watching the guards and servants go about their daily business. The silence was finally broken when Russ asked. "What is everyone doing today anyway? I mean we can't be the only ones that are bored out of their skulls." "I only know were a few of our brothers are. I heard that father took Magnus to his daily therapy session. He said he was starting to hear voices again." Russ began to giggle to himself at the mention of his strange brother who was said to have "gifts." The kind of gifts that got the red head constantly picked on at the schola. "I think Lion ran to the Woods of Progress in the habitorium with some pokemon cards. You know how he likes to talk to them and rip them apart like they are going to attack him." "He really needs to be more talkative with some people. Or he needs some kinda friend who can kinda equal up to him. Do you remember when he starting hanging out with the prep kids from Noble Demarco's house. They all look like goths now. And Lion won't tell anyone what the hell happened. I haven't seen them hang out in forever, but he seems to watch them like a hawk when they aren't looking." "Yes, well, I am not sure where Vulkan is. I think Robert went back to his room to start his daily room cleaning." Sanguinius said with a roll of his eyes. "Ah, I need to remind Father that he used all the bleach yesterday to clean his socks. Which makes me wonder why he needs 3 gallons of bleach for socks. The darn things were spotless before he put them in their." Leman and Sanguinius both shrugged at each other at their brothers faults. "And I think Perturbo and Dorn went to the masons guild to learn how to master a building and its center of gravity. Although why is beyond me. They both are to busy competing with each other over ever lesson that it would seem to missed the whole point of it being a open session with the other nobles children." "Ah so nothing much is going on. I bet Konrad is feeding his bats, and Lorgar went to daily mass." "Mass? I thought father done away with that troublesome religion." Sanguinius was obviously surprised to hear this. "I thought father taught him after last time." "Nah, it seems Lorgar is stubborn with the whole other worldly thing. I can't lie and say I don't know how the dang little scrappy git keeps finding all the hidden meeting places of thous misled fools. If he doesn't stop though I think his constant praying is going to tear this damn family apart from what pop makes it sound like." Says Leman with a anxious edge to his words. "OH! Have you seen his collection of naughty holopics and books. That dunderhead calls it his Books of Lorgar. What a selfish jerk for keeping it all. So, I guess that means nothing much is happening." As if to directly contradict Leman a giant explosion erupted from the nearby ammo dump. The two boy jump to the ground and felt the heat of the massive explosions on the back of their heads. Servitors and custodes went flying through the air in obvious surprise. The surviving guards looked around to see if the event was a attack from remaining rebel forces or a mere accident of catastrophic proportions. Leman knew better to question what he thought caused it. "Hey Sany go tell dad what just happened and I will go save our brother. I think Vulkan found dads lighter again. I thought he would have known not to play with that fire after last time. I would have thought that blowing up that Promethean tank would have been enough.....and burning down the forest......and the orphanage.....anyway! Get going!" "Ah yes, this does smell of his pyromania. But I am sure the Custodes can manage it." "I wouldn't trust these custodians with a mop more than the well being of my brother, as crazy as he is." "Russ you must treat the Custodes with more respect they are our bodygu----- HEY!" Russ shoved Sangiunius out of the way as he leaped up and charged straight to the embalmed building. Strides as long as a human could possibly take towards the building. At a glace he look like a rapid animal with the look of pure determination and inhuman energy. "Ruffians needs a leash if you ask me. Humpf." Flapping his wings he landing elegantly to his feet. And sprinted off to the main palace grounds to seek out his father. Well there you go. That took about two days to write up. Although it was much larger then then the written form in front of me. I thought more details would be nice. And I just kinda ignored it and went with what I felt. And all that strange feeling stuff. Either way I love it and I hope you do, if you have any comments please I would love to hear that and some criticism. Sorry for any spelling mistakes and strangely worded sentences. I have been known to write sentences that seem to be strangely worded.....I wish I did better on that Term Paper about Ayn Rand.....*sob*. BUT ANYWAY. If you want to hear stories from different perspectives from other Primarches like in a different story please say so or I might just stick with the bad boy himself The Russ. I tried to keep the personalities of the Primarches to them with Russ being a bad boy and Sanguinius being a smug noble, although I was not entirely sure on what his hair color was. And of course Vulkan being a eccentric Pyromaniac. :) And as said please comment as I would love to read what anyone would say. and if this giant wall of text is not good enough for your reading just say something along the lines of "Nice wall of text bucko" Anyway hope to write some more soon. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhydin Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 Mmm, Hmmm.. Yes, well you suffer from lack of awesome, needs more Dakka, and more Landraiders. Spelling, grammatical, and fluff mistakes aside, you have just made me laugh. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2060831 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midgard Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 There are several things I would suggest. Please note that I am not trying to dog your work, but merely suggesting ways for improving it. First, it might be just me, but the typos made it almost painful to read. As suggested in the writing tips thread here, it is always a good idea to write it in a word processor and do a spell check. Additionally, it always helps to proof-read what you wrote to make sure you catch things that an automated spell check would not. Second, some of the paragraphs are really long. Some people can pull it off, but it requires a lot of writing expertise to do so successfully. For most readers, it makes their attention span wander off and away, and makes it harder to read. I would suggest using shorter paragraphs to increase readability. Third, some of the actual language is rather clunky. For example: Leman also had a good point as Sany, otherwise known as Sanguinius to the more noble aspects of Terra, was quiet known for overdressing for all occasions. His long, blonde, shiny, stunning hair would come down to his back, and never seemed to be in discare. His sharp noble face was always clean and handsome. He was quiet the loveboy back in the schola, often to be remarked by all the ladies as a loverboy epitome. His long elogent wings being a good icebrecker all in itself. His outfit usually consits of a suit or tuxedo. Freshly pressed and clean. His trademark blood red tie would accompany him on his chest. Consider it rewritten as: Leman did have a point. Sany, better known as Sanguinius to the adepts of Terra, was always known for over-dressing for all occasions. The winged Primarch's tuxedo was always freshly pressed and clean, and his habitual blood red tie was always immaculate. His long blond hair never seemed to be in disarray despite coming all the way down his back; his sharp noble face was always clean and handsome. In the schola, he was considered quite a heartthrob, nicknamed "Loverboy" by the girls - and his prominent, elegant wings were always a great way to break the ice in any such conversation. This is, of course, just an example. But a bit of editing could definitely improve the readability drastically. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2060839 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Russy Posted July 26, 2009 Author Share Posted July 26, 2009 Ah yes thank you for that. I was going for a the comedy more than a action film thing. And yes I tried fixing as much of the spelling as possible. I was not aware of how bad it was. Hopefully I made it alot more worthwhile to read with the fixes. Thank you Midgard and Rhydin Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2060857 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Russy Posted July 26, 2009 Author Share Posted July 26, 2009 Bump Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2061447 Share on other sites More sharing options...
The emperors chosen Posted July 26, 2009 Share Posted July 26, 2009 ......and the orphanage.....anyway! Get going!" YES :lol: I like it, could use some small stuff, but good work Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2061615 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Utherix Posted July 27, 2009 Share Posted July 27, 2009 BRAVO GOOD CHAP! The orphanage thing was the lolzcake... You should delete the other partz and make that partz all the partz. ;-D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2061986 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonas Stromclaw Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 :finally catches breath from laughing: Well done laddie! Downright hilarious, and you managed to pick the best two Primarchs for this kind of humor. Spelling, grammar, clunky sentences all said before me. And there is always the fluff mistakes, but this is great and its just for fun so who cares about those? More Please! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2064886 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uprising Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I found this so funny, i read it three times. :D Keep up the good work. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2065250 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sempronius Posted July 30, 2009 Share Posted July 30, 2009 I DEMAND MOAR!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :) :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2065269 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firenze Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Vulkan sounds like me, pyromania for the win! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2078960 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Russy Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 For everyone who read this and enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.....and then editing it to the fullest extent of my thought process. Will be happy to hear that work on the second story has begun and I am now going through the throwing ideas around stage. Of course if anyone has any neat and clever witty ideas I am more than happy to oblige to hear you out and see if maybe I can get it into the story. And I would once again like to thank everyone who read this and hope you enjoy the next one even more. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2079106 Share on other sites More sharing options...
flameseeker574 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 You just called Sanguinius "sany".... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2079237 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Russy Posted August 17, 2009 Author Share Posted August 17, 2009 I was only doing that to try and get the character of Leman Russ. It seemed fitting. No insults to any of the primarchs this is only the way I see them through a filter of comedy. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/174341-life-of-a-teenage-primarch/#findComment-2081325 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.