IA: Steel Dragons

[Ace Debonair]

The Steel Dragons were founded during the sixteenth founding and assigned, along with the Red Lords, to an area of space alongside the Shroud Stars. The chapter was formed from the noble gene-seed of Ferrus Manus, and the marine assigned to be the first chapter master of the Steel Dragons was Hugan Merric, at the time an honoured captain of the Iron Hands. Chapter Master Merric, unlike many other Iron Hands marines, had the strong personal belief that the weaknesses of the flesh could be overcome through rigid training and application, rather than by excessive cybernetic replacements. Although not turning his back on cybernetics completely, Merric made sure that his new chapter endeavoured to overcome weakness by other, less extreme means first, relying on cybernetics only if all else failed.

Galactically speaking, the Steel Dragons are the nearest of the four chapters from the Shroud Stars, creating a base in the under-defended Vorlian system, almost directly alongside the Shroud Stars. Their objectives were, like the Red Lords, twofold: firstly, the Dragons were tasked with purging the Ork threat from the Vorlian system, and making it safe for Imperial colonies there. Secondly, they were to assist in the exploration of the Shroud Stars, and the neutralizing of any threats discovered there.

Chapter Master Merric and his men descended on the planets threatened or over-run by Orks. The warbands were quite isolated and easy to pin down with fast attacks, and so the chapter became more reliant on their attack bikes, Thunderhawks, and Land Speeders to break enemy lines, allowing other Astartes to press the advantage and wipe out the Ork warbands. However, the greenskins were resilient - for every victory earned in these times, another report of a newly-formed Ork warband on a previously cleansed world reached the ears of the Steel Dragons. The campaign continued for over four centuries, the greenskin threat at one point growing so large that the entirety of the chapter was deployed across several battlefields within the Vorlian system.

The final planet to fall was the deathworld Arcan II, and the Orks there proved to be the biggest threat of the campaign. The Orks had constructed a crude but effective defence system at the end of a long valley, but the chapter deployed a great many troops to conquer the final greenskin threat, and the massive ammount of firepower eventually claimed victory over the crude Ork force. The valley was collapsed after the struggle, so even if more Orks were to appear, they would have no access to a stronghold on the planet.

The Steel Dragons, satisfied with their campaign's success, could move on to the next stage of their mission: exploration and purgation of the Shroud Stars. Until this time, the Steel Dragons had neglected to choose a homeworld from which to strike, instead performing all their duties from the battle barge Firefang. Chapter Master Merric had, hundreds of years ago, perished in battle against the Ork Warboss Gutpuncha, but the chapter master at the time, Herlock Valkner, chose to honour the expressed wishes of their founder by choosing the planet Zhulon as their homeworld once the first part of their mission was complete.

The Resurgence:

The Steel Dragons have never made it to the Shroud Stars, however. Although the chapter's homeworld is galactically quite near to the Shroud Stars, it was still a lengthy journey from their homeworld in the Vorlian system. The battle barge Firefang, loaded with members of the first, third, fourth, and eighth companies, was well en route to the nearest of the planets in that system when a call for help reached them from the only other human-habitable planet in their system, Quinlon. Chapter Master Valkner ordered the ship to put about, fearing that the first order they were given was not as complete as first thought. He was right. The Orks had returned, and in numbers so vast that even the best-defended of cities on the world of Quinlon was over-run within hours. Chapter Master Valkner himself led the counter-attack, which was, as usual, reliant on the fast-attack pattern the chapter had mastered during their campaign. However, the Orks had their strategy ready, cutting down the bikes and assault troops comitted to the attack with hails of heavy firepower, and encircling the units with close-combat fighters to prevent the Astartes regrouping. The Steel Dragons found themselves unable to fight back, for the first time in their proud existence. Marine after Marine was killed by the brutish greenskins, and the chapter lost over two-thirds of the marines deployed before Valkner sounded the retreat.

Chapter Master Valkner was furious with himself for his mistakes - as with their parent chapter the Steel Dragons systematically purged weakness from their ranks, and such an error of judgement was a weakness that Valkner would find hard to forgive.

Valkner sent out the call to arms to the rest of the companies under his command, and spent almost the next two days in meditation while they arrived. The Ork threat grew larger by the day. Only two cities remained untouched by the Ork threat - both precariously placed in the Arla mountains. Mere days after Valkner had sounded the retreat, the entire chapter stormed down onto the planet's surface. The chapter master bore a hunted look, but that was soon replaced with his usual fiery demeanour as he explained his new strategy to his marines. The chapter marched down, out of the mountains, towards the Ork horde. The Steel Dragons went on the attack like never before, with artillery and thunderhawks bombing the enemy even as the Astartes drew close enough to see the panic in their faces. The Orks were forced into cover from the fierceness of the salvo launched at them. On Valkner's command, the bikes, land speeders and assault squads split away from the main force, accelerating around the side and forcing Ork units out into the open, where the space marines and their heavy armour were waiting for them. Dreadnoughts and most of the tactical marines were delivered by drop-pod to the battlefield, prying open defensive positions further as the tanks moved in.

The battle was incredibly fierce, but brief. The Steel Dragons' victory on Quinlon complete. Sensors on the Firefang detected the launch of several interplanetary rockets heading for different planets in the system. Closer inspection revealed them to be crude, planetside-built Ork spacecraft, carrying Orks to other planets in and beyond the system.
The campaign begun anew: the greenskin threat had to be neutralized.

The Seventeenth Founding:

With the seventeenth founding came two new chapters to the area around the Shroud Stars. It was clear to the Steel Dragons that the High Lords of Terra were displeased with the lack of progress being made - something that brought a strong sense of shame to the proud chapter. Slowly but inexorably, their tactics changed - they became more and more agressive, relying heavily on the "Maximum firepower in the minimum time" doctrine brought in by chapter master Valkner during the battle on Quinlon. The Steel Dragons would also leave members of the tenth company on planets for some time after a battle, charged with tracking down any possible surviving foes and eliminating them. T

he Orks had seemed to swell in numbers again, united under the banner of a new leader named Brok 'ead'itter. Warboss 'ead'itter was unusually cunning for an Ork, preferring hit-and run tactics against the planets of the Vorlian system. However, in any sort of pitched battle, the Dragons' ruthless, devastating attacks would prove them the decisive victors. Valkner and his Astartes were determined to complete the objectives assigned to them, no matter the cost, or how long it took. Orks were, apparently, thriving in the neighbouring systems, and over the centuries the Steel Dragons have directed much of their attention and firepower to the systems around the Vorlian system.

"Not only must the Greenskin threat be neutralized, but the possibility of a further Ork assault must be removed. Then, and only then, can we proceed to our second sacred duty." - Chaplain Augan of the Steel Dragons.

It was not long after that the Infinity Knights, one of the two chapters newly assigned to the region, made contact with the Steel Dragons. Although the fledgling chapter meant well, and made promises of aid to the Steel Dragons, the new chapter master, Tiolan Gussau, felt that having to accept help, even from another chapter, compunded the shame his chapter already felt.
True to their word, the Infinity Knights sent reinforcements, consisting of most of the fourth and seventh companies, led by Chaplain Ashir, to aid the Steel Dragons.
The chaplain comitted his forces to aid chapter master Tiolan Gussau in one of the greatest battles of the campaign, the battle on Arcan I, a deathworld in the nearby Purgus system. However, the differences in battle-strategy meant that the two Astartes forces did not co-exist as efficiently as either had hoped.
Tiolan Gussau and Chaplain Ashir both argued for months over what the chaplain called the Dragons' "overtly agressive" attacks, and their "lack of respect" for their dreadnoughts, which the Infinity Knights considered a sacred totem of the Emperor's power.

Arcan I - The Aftermath

"Chaplain Ashir and Master Gussau stared each other down in the wake of the carnage. Dead orks and fallen marines from both chapters littered the battlefield. The Chaplain pointed at a fallen Steel Dragon dreadnought, blown apart by Ork tanks during the early stages of the fighting.
'You allow your most honoured brothers to fall so easily, Chapter Master? Do you care nothing for the heroes of the Imperium?'
Master Gussau narrowed his eyes at the chaplain.
'Our heroes, Chaplain, can handle themselves. How you can bear to waste firepower by stalling your dreadnoughts is beyond me.'
The chaplain's voice, when he spoke next, was tight with fury.
'They are the most sacred-'
'Don't preach the virtues of the dead to me, Chaplain.' Gussau interrupted. 'I know full well the value of my dreadnoughts - but they are weapons of the Emperor - nothing more.' The chapter master turned and walked away, back to his men."
It was soon after that the Infinity Knights were recalled from the Vorlian system, leaving the Steel Dragons to finish the battle against Warboss 'ead'itter alone - something that gave Master Gussau great satisfaction.

Homeworld:

For a long time, the Steel Dragons were fleet-bound, rather than settling on one world. Chapter Master Merric, the chapter's founder, had decreed that settling on a homeworld before the system was purged of Orks would limit their ability to respond to threats. During this time, the chapter recruited from many of the worlds within the Vorlian system. Once the threat was neutralized, however, the Steel Dragons settled on the world of Zhulon, a feudal world at the edge of the Vorlian system.

Zhulon has but one landmass, the rest of the planet is covered by water. The solitary landmass on the planet is home to three kingdoms that have often fought against each other throught their history. The Steel Dragons built their fortress monastery deep within the central mountain range. Recruits from this world had always proven hardy and adaptable - making them ideal for the chapter. The Steel Dragons now only recruit from Zhulon, unless scouts training on other worlds find truly exceptional candidates for training.

The Zhulons also, ironically, used the dragon a symbol for their leaders for centuries. The Dragons of Zhulon myth were seen as guardians of the four elements. The dragons' colours were representative of the element they watched over. The dragons of these myths are ruled over by Jindyne, dragon of life, whose scales and mane were golden. It was often said that the five dragons of the ancient tales could also take human form. The use of Dragon imagery by the three kingdoms of the Zhulon people was generally restricted to the noble or ruling classes, but over time the symbol has become more and more associated with the Emperor and his space marines. The Zhulonians quickly came to see the space marines as the Emperor's 'dragons in human form.' The present Chapter Master, Tiolan Gussau, is the second chapter master to have come from this world. His armour is adorned with much dragon imagery, such as golden wings or scales. The armour of many marines of the chapter is similarly decorated, albeit in the chapter's colours rather than in gold. Generally 'dragon-armour', as it is referred to, is given only to those of veteran status, or astartes who perform feats of great heroism and courage. The tradition extends to the majority of tanks and dreadnoughts - repaired parts often become decorated 'dragon-armour'.

Although far from the nearest forge-world, their techmarines are as skilled as any others in the arts of repair and salvage, and will painstakingly work years at a time if neccessary in the restoration of each piece of armour, meaning that if a vehicle or a suit of power armour is damaged badly, rather than destroyed, sooner or later it can and will return to active service, most often as 'dragon-armour'.

Combat Doctrine:

The Steel Dragons used to specialize in quick attacks, but since the Ork resurgence, and what the Steel Dragons saw as their failure in the eyes of the High Lords of Terra, the Steel Dragons' preferred tactic became more and more reliant on the maxim "Maximum firepower in the minimum time". Although none can question the success this tactic has met, Imperial forces with access to the records of the Steel Dragons have called into question the high loss of Astartes' life that sometimes comes with the implementation of this approach.

The Jindyne Flamer

The chapter master is armed with an ancient flamer, capable of purging multiple foes in one volcanic burst of flame. The flamer is decorated to look like the head of a dragon, with long mane and whiskers, it's mouth open to roar fire at approaching foes. The weapon's design is based on the Zhulonian myth of Jindyne, a golden dragon said to rule over heaven and guide the dead to the afterlife. It is now thought, of course, that Jindyne is merely a symbol of the holy Emperor's judgement.

Organization:

The Steel Dragons are essentially a standard, codex adherent chapter. Squads from the reserve companies generally patrol the system in the chapter's strike cruisers, ever watchful of another Ork warband appearing. The 'active' companies have, recently, been more concerned with assisting other nearby chapters, perhaps with a view to expunging the shame that the Steel Dragons feel for their early lack of progress.

Beliefs:

The Steel Dragons differ from the Iron Hands in their beliefs, much of which is owed to the first chapter Master, Hugan Merric. Unlike many of his brothers, Merric was never much given to mechanization, preferring instead to push his body beyond it's percieved limits. He indoctrinated his chapter with the simple belief that "There is more than one way to purge weakness from the body." While some Steel Dragons - most frequently techmarines - adopt the old practice of willingly mechanizing many body parts, many Steel Dragons go without any.

The chapter has an ingrained sense of shame that they seek to expunge - stemming from a percieved failure to complete their given objectives in time enough to prevent the Twilight Talons and the Infinity Knights chapters from being assigned to nearby systems. Many high-ranking Steel Dragons have sworn dire oaths that they will soon "liberate those interloper chapters from fulfilling our duties", meaning that the Steel Dragons pointedly ignore most offers of help from any other factions, including their brother astartes.
Many of the ideals of the Zhulon people, such as (appropriately enough) the potent mystical symbolism of the Dragon, have over time worked their way into the ranks of the chapter, leading to some of the older (or more frequently repaired) armour being decorated to resemble scales, or the helmets of ranking officers having manes. The beliefs themselves have changed over time, however, and the image of the dragon in Zhulon myth is now irrevocably tied to the Emperor's chosen.

Geneseed:

The geneseed of the Steel Dragons comes from the noble primarch Ferrus Mannus via his chapter, the Iron Hands. The geneseed remains as pure today as it was at the chapter's inception.

Battlecry:

"Feel the Dragons' Power!" - most commonly used battlecry.

-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*-=-*


That's my 3rd edited version, brand new and in need of tearing apart. :P
All comments, criticisms, and ideas welcomed.

[Telveryon]

Well Ace Debonair, that's quite a bit of work you did there. I will endeavor to to comment on at least one of your chapters a day.

 

reating a base in the under-defended Vorlian system, almost directly 'underneath' the Shroud Stars.

I'd stay away from the galactic Z axis, particularly in a region close to the galaxy's edge. There aren't that many stars stacked on top of each other there and since your Shroud Stars are already a region of sizable dimensions, it's unlikely any start "beneath" would not be considered part of the formation. Go for the X and Y axis, that way you can position your planet using the galactic cardinal points, it'll make for a more immersive read.

 

The Steel Dragons arrived at the Vorlian system filled with a strong sense of purpose.

This sentence could be removed, it really doesn't seem to fit here.

 

It was a long journey from the Vorlian system to the Shroud Stars,

If they're the closest chapter to the Shroud Stars why do they have to make a longer journey?

 

and the battle barge Firefang, loaded with members of the first, third, fourth, fifth and eighth companies,

A battle barge can carry four companies and deploy three at the same time, five companies is a bit much.

 

Valkner sent out the call to arms to the rest of the companies under his command, and spent almost a week in meditation while they arrived.

The time frame here is a a bit unclear. If the chapter was deployed in one system seven days would be a bit much for space marines to arrive, space marines are, if anything, master at redeploying.

 

Sensors on the Firefang detected the launch of several interplanetary rockets, heading for different planets in the system.

There is no mention in official GW fluff of interplanetary missiles, not that I know any way. And even if there were such things, they would not be able to travel between systems. In such a case, your chapter should not have a very hard time with quelling any is system ork activities.

 

"Chaplain Ashir and Master Gussau stared each other down in the wake of the carnage. Dead orks and fallen marines from both chapters littered the battlefield. The Chaplain pointed at a fallen Steel Dragon dreadnought, blown apart by Ork tanks during the early stages of the fighting.

'You allow your most honoured brothers to fall so easily, Chapter Master? Do you care nothing for the heroes of the Imperium?'

Master Gussau narrowed his eyes at the chaplain.

'Our heroes, Chaplain, can handle themselves. How you can bear to waste firepower by stalling your dreadnoughts is beyond me.'

The chaplain's voice, when he spoke next, was tight with fury.

'They are the most sacred-'

'Don't preach the virtues of the dead to me, Chaplain.' Gussau interrupted. 'I know full well the value of my dreadnoughts - but they are weapons of the Emperor - nothing more.' The chapter master turned and walked away, back to his men."

While this bit is nifty, it should not be part of an IA, stick it in a side bar if you, it'll look good there.

 

something that gave Master Gussau a strong sense of satisfaction.

There allot of strong senses in this article, I'd vary it a bit if I were you. This could easily be "something brought Master Gussau great satisfaction".

 

Once the threat was neutralized, however, the Steel Dragons settled on the world of Zhulon, a feudal world at the edge of the Vorlian system closest to Holy Terra.

Planets in a star system aren't stationary, if a planet is the closes at a certain time, it'll be the farthest at another time. Aslo, it seems to me that you have allot of habitable planets in this Varlion system. You should keep in mind that the vast majority of systems can't support more then one habitable planet, a system with two planets is rare and one with three would be extremely so. My advice would be for you to go with a multiple system campaign against the orks.

 

As it stands, this whole planet business is a bit convoluted, I for one can't form a clear image from reading the article of where the Steel Dragons fight, where they're stationed and where they're going. And that's not a very good thing.

 

The Steel Dragons used to specialize in quick attacks, but since the Ork resurgence, and what the Steel Dragons see as their failure in the eyes of the High Lords of Terra, the Steel Dragons' preferred tactic has become more and more reliant on the maxim "Maximum firepower in the minimum time". Although none can question the success this tactic has met, any other Imperial forces with access to the records of the Steel Dragons will surely question the high loss of Astartes' life that sometimes comes with the implementation of this approach.

Time frame is a bit very iffy here. An IA is usually written from the point of view of a person at thew end of the 41st Millennium. That being the case, it seems quite strange that your chapter has been fighting in just one system (at least that's what I've gathered) for not over 7000 years. That makes them in my view as very ineffectual marines.

 

The chapter master is armed with an ancient flamer, capable of purging multiple foes in one volcanic burst of flame. The flamer is decorated to look like the head of a dragon, with long mane and whiskers, it's mouth open to roar fire at approaching foes. The weapon's design is based on the Zhulonian myth of Jindyne, a golden dragon said to guide the dead to the afterlife. It is now thought, of course, that Jindyne is merely a symbol of the Emperor's judgement.

This section should be about how and why the chapter fights, descriptions of weapons should be left to sidebars at best, if not left out altogether.

 

A few general comment would be that you need to be a bit more formal and clearer in your overall writing. You ideas seem a bit disjointed, something which probably stems from the fact that you worked on four chapters at the same time. My advice would be that you focus on just one chapter at a time or risk not truly completing any.

 

You could also space paragraphs a bit more.

[Ace Debonair]

Thanks Telveryon, you've made a lot good points there.

 

My timing is out by quite a bit, on balance. I recall changing my mind about halfway through, and I mustn't have changed everything.

 

I haven't really got time to edit everything just now, (busy week ahead of me) but I'll get round to revising everything.

 

Apologies for the lack of flashy presentation, I'm totally clueless as to how any of the coding stuff works.

I hope this can be forgiven, at least for the time being. :cuss

 

Anyone else has any insights or opinions to offer, I'd love to hear 'em! :)

[Corvus_Coorain]

Hello there.

 

Is this your fluff or official fluff?

 

I founded my diy chapter last year, successors of the Salamanders and I named them The Steel Dragons.

Here's a link to the topic:

 

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/index.p...p;#entry1785066

Last post.

 

Just need to know if I can keep the name of if I should change it.

I have no problem with changing the name if I must.

 

Just thought I'd let you know

 

Cheers

 

Corvus_Coorain :P

[Ace Debonair]

Uh oh. ;)

 

 

I didn't realise the name had already been taken. Sorry about that.

 

Guess that's something else to do with the re-write. :D

Keep your chapter's name - they were here first - I'll try and come up with something else.

I just hope you don't blame me - it's a cool name, after all. :D

[Corvus_Coorain]

That's okay ^_^

You are forgiven ;)

 

Cheers

 

Corvus_Coorain :)

[Sigismund Himself]

at the time an honoured captain of the 3rd company of the Iron Hands.

Iron Hands don't actually have companies like the codex, they have clan-companies and they are named rather than numbered.

 

Coding article.

 

There really shouldn't be any problem with people sharing chapter names. There's already been two previous chapters called the Steel Dragons (this one and this one). With the more generic names like Dragon and Guard, you really need to find an unusual adjective to go in front otherwise you're almost guaranteed to run into someone with the same name. As long as the concepts behind the chapters are different, I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

 

I would also advocate on concentrating on one chapter at a time. I don't know about you but I'd prefer to have one nice completed chapter than the 4 currently uncompleted one I have knocking around the place :)

[Corvus_Coorain]

My searchy-foo evaded me back then.. And I won't mind sharing the name(obviously I do already) :)

 

So I think you should keep the name, it really clings with your fluff :P

 

C_C ;)

[Forgefather Vulkan]

Uh oh. :)

 

 

I didn't realise the name had already been taken. Sorry about that.

 

Guess that's something else to do with the re-write. ;)

Keep your chapter's name - they were here first - I'll try and come up with something else.

I just hope you don't blame me - it's a cool name, after all. :P

 

Instead of the steel dragons how about the Steel Dragoons????

 

Forgefather

[Telveryon]

Instead of the steel dragons how about the Steel Dragoons????

 

Forgefather

I'm pretty sure Ace Debonair wants the stick with the Dragon, dragoons have nothing to do with dragons. I vote for either Obsidian Dragons or Dragons Adamant... Or maybe Adamantium Dragons...

[Ace Debonair]

Ooh, there's some good names being bandied about now.

 

I was thinking along the lines of other metals, personally.

Forgefather's idea wasn't bad, but Telveryon was right, the Dragon part is the part I want to keep. :P

Silver Dragons, Cobalt Dragons... but I like the sounds of the Obsidian Dragons. And the Dragons Adamant. :D

 

Decisions, decisions. :P

 

Much obliged for the coding-thing link, Sigismund. This looks like fun. :P

 

Popular consensus says I ought to just fix one chapter at a time. I suppose that makes more sense.

I take it I should fix this one first - nobody's picked holes in any of my other ones yet.

I refuse to believe they are perfect. :lol:

 

That said, the more holes picked in these chapters as a group, the more I might spot some fundamental screw-ups. I'd hate to fix this chapter only for the Twilight Talons to knock another hole in 'em, if you see where I'm coming from.

 

If I get chance later today, I'll try and neaten this one up a bit, and maybe implement some changes and stuff. You know, right the wrongs and all that.

Thanks everyone for the input - it's all appreciated!

[commander alexander]

I just googled dragoons. They where light cavalry, definitely not cool enough for the name :P ! I remember a faction in the game mechwarrior was called the dragoons, they where a bunch of BA mercinaries......... Anyways I like obsidian dragons, or dargons of obsidian or something. Although obsidian wouldnt fit with iron hands fluff, it is a glass formed by volcanoes, not metal, which is what IH are all about.

[Ace Debonair]

Edited - the former site of the second version.

 

Removed because it was annoying me.

[Marshal van Trapp]

i think you should edit it into the first post, like over the previous one, just to make it look nice, then you should consider taking the little subheading in the origins section out of headers (or at least putting them under one heading titled "history")

other than that i think it sounds nice, i'm not very up on the fluff or the time line so i can't comment there, but as an avid reader, it sounds very nice, very fluid... keep it up Ace

[Ace Debonair]

You mean bundle all the origins and seventeenth founding and all that into one section?

 

I could do, but it's a bit of an epic read that way.

Nothing like a wall of text to put people off sometimes. :)

 

I also left the first post unchanged so anyone reading the stuff that comes after it can see how it made sense. ;)

If this turns out to be a bad idea, I'll change it.

 

EDIT: It was a bad idea. I changed it. ;)

 

Thanks for reading, by the way!

Truth be told I don't know much about the WH40k universe either - just the odd thing I've picked up from reading stuff on here, so I'm surprised it's (apparently) so close to the mark.

[Marshal van Trapp]

well if you split it up still, just mad the headers normal text like in my IAs, the way it seems right now they look like totally different sections, about totally different parts of your chapter, not just all about their history, and ok, i can see why you left it, its like a record of what you have done, i get it.

[Ace Debonair]

I see what you're saying.

 

That makes sense, I suppose. :lol:

Have the Origins bit renamed History, then have the other bits as plain-text subheadings, right?

 

I'll have a go at that later, if I get chance.

 

Hopefully a few more people have a go at picking apart the new version- I doubt I've got it right on only the second try. :lol:

[DeffWolf]

looking good ace, how did you manage the sub-headings dude? id like to do that for my Shadowmancers

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

The code is overlapping and you are in dire need of proper, separate paragraphs. The huge blocks of text will scare away a lot of possible advice. I hate reading big blocks of text myself. Your 'marine' should have a gridded background as well, since it looks better on an IA Page.

 

The geneseed remains as pure today as it was at the chapter's inception, although the drive associated with it that pushes marines to mechanize body parts is certainly less pronounced in the Steel Dragons chapter.

 

The drive to replace their bodies with mechanical parts is more of a societal and cultural drive, it is part of their chapter cult. Not their geneseed.

 

Many high-ranking Steel Dragons have sworn dire oaths that they will soon "liberate those interloper chapters from fulfilling our duties."

 

This is somewhat odd, but intriguing. It should be explained and expanded upon.

 

Many of the ideals of the Zhulon people, such as (appropriately enough) the potent mystical symbolism of the Dragon, have worked their way into the ranks of the chapter, leading to some of the older (or more frequently repaired) armour being decorated to resemble scales, or the helmets of ranking officers having manes.

 

This also needs to be expanded upon. How it became part of the chapter cult, how it affects the character of the marines of the chapter and a better explanation of the belief itself is really needed.

 

You seem to be expanding on the more mundane elements of an IA at the expense of some of the more interesting parts. Not a bad start though, needs more explanation and expanding upon of the elements that we know nothing about, I'd say.

[Ace Debonair]

Right then.

 

First off, Deffwolf - there's a post in this topic made by Sigismund that links to a coding guide.

Everything you need to know is right there - if I can do it, you can. :D

 

Secondly, Ydalir's points.

Apologies about the mechanical-thingy, figured the geneseed had something to do with it in some way. I'll fix it.

 

Organizing the IA will happen, honest. Soon. Really. :P

Soon-ish at the latest. :D

Maybe later. :D

 

 

Thanks for picking apart round 2.

Round 3 is here for your dissecting pleasure.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, I updated the IA, and nobody's been back to point out the dodgy bits.

 

Surely it's not perfect yet, so I'll just bring this back to everyone's attention... :P

All criticism and comments are much welcomed!

 

Let the tearing apart round 3.... begin! :)

[Ace Debonair]

It's been a few days. Let me just... nudge this back to the top of the first page.

My other three chapters have apparently fallen off the radar. I'll at least try to save this one before I rescue them.

 

Fingers crossed... :)

[Dazzo]

What is their chapter symbol?

[Ace Debonair]

Just found this again. Wondered where they'd gotten to.

 

In response to Dazzo, I must point out that none of my chapters have symbols, although at the time of writing I believe others have put together some brilliant stuff for both the Infinity Knights and the Twilight Talons, for which I am extremely grateful. :lol:

 

My best idea for their symbol is somewhere between a cog and a crosshair, although my abilty to draw said symbol is extremely dubious.

I wanted to avoid using a dragon - far too obvious, and not quite original. :D