IA: Infinity Knights

[Wolfbiter]

Hi Ace,

 

An enjoyable read. I kept picturing the movies "Lawrence of Arabia" and "The English Patient" while reading it. Only with Peter O'Toole, Ralph Fiennes and Omar Sharif in power armour. ;)

 

I have some suggestions for correcting a few typos and streamlining phrases that came across to me as a bit awkward. Apologies for the length of the post below.

 

HISTORY

 

"...created in the glorious 9th founding of Space Marine chapters..."

 

Capitalize "Founding" and you can take out "of Space Marine chapters." It's pretty common knowledge what a Founding is.

 

"...between the parts of the galaxy called the Dominion of Storms..."

 

It's pretty clear you're talking about regions of space. I'd cut out "parts of the galaxy called" and just say "...between the Dominion of Storms and..."

 

"...Orthodaeus, formerly a second company captain of the Ultramarines..."

 

Since there's only one captain per company, I suggest a change to "...Orthodaeus, formerly the captain of the Ultramarines Second Company..."

 

"The astartes threw themselves boldly at the enemy..."

 

Just a style suggestion, I'd capitalize "Astartes" when you use it. I think it's meant as a proper name as well as a general term for Space Marines.

 

"...triumphing purely through skill at arms..."

 

This seems a bit redundant. Space Marines are expected to be skilled at arms. If there was some guile or treachery involved, such a comparison might be needed, but I didn't see that. I'd shorten it to simply "...besting the Orks..."

 

I think the sentence about the Orks maybe or maybe not being wiped out, can be removed. The Infinity Knights triumphed, you are OK stopping there. It seems a bit off-topic.

 

"...replenished their somewhat beaten numbers...."

'somewhat beaten' is a little awkward. How about just 'depleted' or 'diminished?'

 

HOMEWORD:

(I quite liked this part)

 

"Much of it's scorched..." Change 'it's' to 'its.'

 

"...could ascend to the stars themselves...." 'themselves' is redundant, you can take it out.

 

"...reverence that borders on the extreme..." Based on your later details, what about changing 'extreme' to 'mystical' or 'divine?' I think it better suits the style of your Chapter.

 

"entire battle strategies are modified to..." How about 'crafted' or 'designed' instead of 'modified?' 'Modified' suggests they make a plan then change it every time.

 

The whole section about "attempting to claim more dreadnoughts" wasn't clear to me. Do they mean taking Dreadnought sarcophagi from other Chapters? Or requesting excess ones from the Mechanicum? I was confused here.

 

(However, I love the Dreadnought worship and the prophecy of the Emperor coming back as a Dreadnought.) :D

 

Combat Doctrine:

 

"...dicing them with assault units." Sounds a bit like cookery. :) How about 'crushing' or 'overwhelming?'

 

Geneseed:

 

Nice, understated sinister touch with the geneseed depletion. I like it. :)

[Ace Debonair]

Oh, you found these guys too? :lol:

 

It's a bit short yet, though it's come together quite nicely.

 

Is there anything you wish to expound further upon? Because the standard IA length is about 3000 words, and you're still a fair way from that.

 

The whole "saving dead bits" thing doesn't quite seem to mesh with the rest of the Chapter. You could mention it, I suppose, but it doesn't really seem to fit. Not sure why. Also, trying to spread that theme across the entire Chapter would involve some rewriting and, I think, adding even more ideas in order to flesh it out (heh, pun).

 

The "serving forever" angle is very possible, and could work, but it couldn't just be tacked in - you'd need to do a fair bit of work.

 

 

I've decided I'm going to work the 'saving dead bits' in. Any updates on these guys is going to have to wait a bit, though, since the Red Lords and the Stonebound are now vying for attention in my brain, and a thrid chapter is only going to make my head explode right now.

 

I'll be honest, I don't mind having to do a fair bit of work on this chapter. Not now I know what I'm doing. The more I look at the Infinity Knights, the more I realise they have minimal character and they're a bit too... clean, if you see what I mean. The slightly disturbing use of dead marine's body parts to give this chapter more character will probably help tons.

 

EDIT:

I've just realised the possible comparisons to Terry Pratchett's Igors.

This will require some careful writing. :lol:

 

Wolfbiter

 

Thanks for reading the IA!

You've spotted a lot of good ol' fashioned errors of mine, and when I update these guys I'll make darn sure to fix 'em. ;)

Glad you enjoyed the depiction of Sharius - it was easily my favourite part to write. :D