Mr Paranoid Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 So this is now my second draft guys! http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c307/sammy2028/CrimsonHuntersTacticalMarineWithRob.jpg In the 41st millennium, the High Lords of Terra decreed that there should be a new founding of Adeptus Astartes, which would be known as the 26th Founding. The Crimson Hunters Chapter was born from this. They are successors of the Novamarines and thus their patriarch is Roboute Guilliman of the Ultramarines. They were originally created and tasked to cleanse the area around the Ghoul Stars where a large and menacing Ork presence resided. The Crimson Hunters were to stop the further spread of the greenskins and to take back the planets that had been overrun with the Ork infestation. The Crimson Hunters geneseed came from the Novamarines and their training also came from this source. A cadre of Veterans from the Novamarines were tasked with the training and initial running of the chapter. These Veterans elected Zekial Arghus to become the first Chapter Master of the Crimson Hunters. Zekial and the other Veterans saw to it that the Chapter would get off to a flying start, seeking battle as soon as they were ready for operations. They soon found the battle they sought on a world called Tarantus. This world was located just outside the Ghoul Stars area and its inhabitants appeared to be tribespeople. However these people were at war with the Orks of Waaagh! Garskab, and they appeared to be losing. Zekial immediately ordered elements of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Companies to battle. The primitive tribespeople hailed the Crimson Hunters as bloody incarnations of their beloved Great Panther when they realized that the Marines also fought for their cause. Soon enough the Orks outnumbered the Marines, and the Crimson Hunters began to suffer heavy casualties. Zekial and Warboss Garskab met in the swirling inferno of battle. The pair struggled for hours locked in a terribly bloody combat, whilst the war raged around them until Zekial finally managed to parry Garskab’s relentless attack and retaliate with a ferocious strike of his own, his power sword slashing into the Orks throat. Garskab was dead. The Crimson Hunters who were still battling rejoiced as they saw the Orks begin to lose heart. This was the time to push their advantage and the Battle Brothers renewed fighting in earnest, slashing and hacking with a tenacity unknown even to themselves. After many more days the Greenskins had been eliminated but not without heavy losses for the Crimson Hunters. They had received 65% casualties of their battle ready companies. http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c307/sammy2028/CrimsonHuntersTerminator.jpg Tarantus is a small forest filled Feral World with many large predators and deadly plant life. It is located just outside the area known as the Ghoul Stars. The planet is a feral world, its inhabitants all belonging to different tribes with frequent skirmishing breaking out for land or gain. However all of the tribes recognize the Chapter as their overall leaders and revere them as the Hunters From The Stars. The tribes of the planet are all united in one thing, their religion. They all believe that Panthers are the greatest predators and they worship the Great Panther as the one to show all how to hunt their prey and to live only for the hunt. This ethos quickly became part of the Chapters beliefs. This is due to that fact that the Crimson Hunters needed to rebuild the chapter and so they set about recruiting the populace of Tarantus. This heavy recruiting process led to the cult of the Great Panther becoming extremely wide spread in the Chapter until it eventually was recognized by all within the Crimson Hunters. However the Crimson Hunters believe the Emperor is one with the Great Panther and they worship him as such. They believe they should be as like to Him as possible; using lighting strikes, devastating power and fast thinking, all of which are qualities a Panther possess’. Lately the chapter have come to see themselves as Monks of the Panther wearing their robes at all times even during battle to show their complete and utter devotion to the Great Panther, the Emperor The Chapter’s Fortress-Monastery is located in the depths of the forest where only the most determined, or most foolish, will find them. This is yet another trial for any would-be Chapter hopefuls. The Space Port is located nearby and is guarded by Crimson Hunters as it is the only space port on the planet and it is vital for arms and armour transports. The main value of the planet for the Crimson Hunters is its wealth of strong and healthy recruits and the planets vast areas for trials, to weed out the weak from the strong. These trials are known as the Clawpath. This is the ultimate test an aspirant must endure and for many this is the culmination of their experience, this is where they make or break their chance of being inducted into the Chapter. This trial is for the young aspirant to spend ten days and ten nights in the deadly forest. During this time they must survive against the predators, the elements and the poisonous plants that reside within. Their main objective, however is to track down and kill a forest bear and bring its head back to their trial master. Sergeant Adrenus of the 10th Company Leopard Scouts. “No others fight with the zeal of our 1st Company Terminator Brothers, they have seen more than we can ever dream. They crush their foes with unrelenting force, their thunder hammers always find a home nestled deep within the enemy’s skulls.” The Crimson Hunters follow the Codex as well as all good sons of Guilliman do. They are arranged as per the codex with 10 companies of 100 marines in each, with the first being veterans and the tenth being the scout company. They do however, call their scout units leopard scouts to represent how they use their spots as camouflage. Also leopards are a close relation to Panthers but they are not the same, this represents the fact that scouts are close to Marines but are still not quite fully fledged battle brothers. In this they are almost completely Codex-Adherent with no deviation. However the Crimson Hunters do deviate very slightly. This is because they use a council of the most senior members of each company to make all the Chapters decisions rather than relying on the opinions and knowledge of the Chapter Master alone. The Crimson Hunters call this council The Panther’s Judgement as it is where all the possible courses of action are set forth and judged. Currently this council has proved to be very successful and has allowed more opinions to be taken into consideration and more possible undertakings performed. Chapter Master Paratus Nox. “It is not for our brothes to decide, for we have suffered. It is not for the Panther, our Emperor to decide, for we have suffered. We choose our enemy in the greenskins, the vile, crawling xeno disease which cripples our home and disgraces our Emperors very name. We will wipe them from the surface of the world, we will not cease, we will not fail.” The Crimson Hunters fight using a myriad of different tactics to better suit themselves in order to defeat their enemy. However, since their main enemy are the Orks, they use precise fire patterns to whittle down their numbers until they are ready for the final killing blow. This often comes in the form of an all out assault on the remaining greenskins, which they perform because they believe a good hunter , such as a panther, can only be sure his enemy is dead when up close. The Crimson Hunters used this tactic to much success especially during the campaign against the Orks on the planet Arketam. The Crimson Hunters successfully captured and then proceeded to defend the capital city’s space port under the command of the newest Chapter Master Paratus Nox. Their precise fire patterns killed the less well entrenched and the more aggressive Orks whilst their devastating assault killed the remaining, stubborn stragglers. During their defence of the space port they used their long range weapons to decimate the greenskins as they blindly charged across the city towards them, after which they charged triumphantly into the remaining horde of Orks and let green flesh taste chainsword. The Crimson Hunters are extremely devoted to the Great Panther who they believe is the Emperor. This worship of the Great Panther has stemmed from the tribes of their homeworld who have proceeded in this worship for centuries, the only change to it made by the Crimson Hunters is seeing the Emperor as the Great Panther rather than them being two different beings. This change came about rather quickly, mainly as the chapter gained more and more recruits, to replace the large numbers lost fighting for Tarantus, where this worship was already deeply embedded. Since masses’ and masses’ of recruits were joining the Crimson Hunters much of the mental indoctrination which would be rigorously performed was much more difficult to perform because of the large numbers of recruits joining the chapter and because of the dwindling numbers of Chaplains and Librarians. Many of the Marines could remember the ideology behind the cult of the Great Panther, so ndeep were their ideals embedded, and after learning about the Emperor these Marines made the connection that they are one and the same being. Once the worship of the Great Panther was firmly rooted in the Chapter it was only a small step further forwards before the Chapter began to see themselves as Monks of the Great Panther, servants to do his bidding and to show this devotion the Crimson Hunters began wearing robes. The Crimson Hunters perform a ritual every fifty years on their Fortress – Monastery on Tarantus. It is known as The Gathering of Hunters and it is a great time of celebration for the whole Chapter. Every Crimson Hunter attends and it is the duty of every company to capture a live Bear from Tarantus’ forests. Later in the celebration’s nine bears are used in sport, every company selects a champion who then proceeds to fight the bear in single combat and unarmed. These tend to be spectacularly bloody and skilful fights as the Marine tries to strangle or perhaps even rip off one of the bears limbs. The final bear is used in the last ceremony of the celebrations, this bear is sacrificed to the Great Panther, the Emperor. The geneseed of the Crimson Hunters is derived from Roboute Guilliman, Primarch of the Ultramarines. However the Chapter does not directly take their geneseed from the Ultramarines, their geneseed comes from the Novamarines an early Ultramarine successor Chapter. The geneseed has remained pure despite its age and there does not appear to be any glaringly dangerous defects. The Crimson Hunters do not often dwell upon their heritage but they do believe Roboute Gulliman was an extraordinary leader and they respect him as such. “For the thrill of the hunt!, For the Great Panther!” Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 *Shameless Bump* Come on guys i really want some criticism so i can start changing it up for the better :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076123 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patriarch of the Watch Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 I'm sure someone will be along to give it a good look over. There are some very knowlageable guys out there. I know I will give it a better look over tomorrow as it is closing in on 3am. Something to think about in the time being. I don't really understand this Cult of the Great Panther, if you could explain how this affects the chapter with more detail, and what sort of relationship the planet and it's people have with the Imperial Cult/Ecclesiarchy, I mean... with the Space Marines this sort of thing usualy gets a blind eye, but a whole planet population with radicaly different spirituality would draw the ire of any Inquisitor, is it simply a matter of the Ecclesiarchy dosn't know about the differance, and if so, how does the Chapter keep the strange rituals of the people of Tarantus secret. Remeber the story of the Sons of Malice. Well good luck, I'll try and do a better job tomorrow. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076151 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 I'm ever so sorry i didn't realize the time for you guys across the pond ;) Also about the cult of the Great Panther, i assumed that the Inquisition would be far too busy to investigate on some feral planet but i don't know maybe they would. It wasn't really something i thought about but i will have to think more on it now. Thanks for bringing that up :D Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076154 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codex Grey Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Welcome to the Liber Astartes! One of the most frequently asked questions on this board is 'why?'. In the quest to create a Chapter that can believably exist within the boundaries set by GW, one must always follow up an idea with the question 'why?'. Why did the Hunters start worshiping the Emperor as the Great Panther? You've tried to explain his, but I just feel this isn't enough, especially since this is the core theme that the Chapter is focused around. For a 26th founding Chapter, I just don't see it as something 'happening over time'. The Steel Cobras was a Chapter, whose marines worshiped the Emperor as a snake totem. They were declared renegades. IIRC the Cobras were just an official note, on a Chapter that had steered away from the traditional beliefs of Space Marines. Since it was just a 'note', GW could get away with this without much more explaining. But if it had been a full blown Index Astartes, I would have expected to see a decent explanation on how a Chapter came to worshiping the Emperor as a snake totem. One of the main aspects of Marines in general, and one of the most important aspects of a DIY Chapter, is their beliefs. They live and die for the Emperor, Humanity's greatest leader, but a man nonetheless. I feel that it is therefore necessary to properly explain and reason any and all changes or differences in a Chapter's beliefs. But this is not a bad first attempt at all, I think. Don't worry about the length right now. You should focus on developing the main ideas, and as you do the sections will probably expand as a consequence. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076186 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Ok so i need to look at how they came to worship the Great Panther? Maybe the Chapter Master was deeply religious when he was a young tribesman and it stayed with him all the way to becoming a space marine and eventually until he became the Chapter Master, perhaps then he authorized the worship of the Great Panther as a chapter-wide thing? I'm not entirely too sure how i would say they began their worship of the great Panther other than gradually over time. I guess thats why you guys are here, maybe you can help give me a few ideas or suggestions? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076189 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Codex Grey Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Maybe the Chapter Master was deeply religious when he was a young tribesman and it stayed with him all the way to becoming a space marine and eventually until he became the Chapter Master, perhaps then he authorized the worship of the Great Panther as a chapter-wide thing? The problem with this is why would the Chapter allow him to continue this religion? When a recruit is inducted into the Chapter, he goes through some serious mental indoctrination, molding his mind into what is deemed acceptable by the Astartes. His former life will more or less be erased from his mind, with maybe only a few memories of his homeworld, and then with replaced with the Emperor, the history of the Galaxy and the purpose of his duty. I would try to look at ways for the Chapter, the Marines themselves, to be influenced by the idea of the Great Panther, somehow seeing great wisdom in this worship. I'm not entirely too sure how i would say they began their worship of the great Panther other than gradually over time. The easiest way would be to make them a earlier founding, giving them more time to develop these beliefs. I guess thats why you guys are here, maybe you can help give me a few ideas or suggestions? Yes and no. We are here to help, but this is your Chapter after all. So in the end it's up to you to come up with the ideas. I know that sounds a bit unhelpful, but it's just how it is. I am however a fan of the contribution and sharing of ideas, and I try to provide ideas and suggestions when I can, but I'm sorry to say I have none at the moment. If I do come up with anything though, I'll let you know. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076198 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 The problem with this is why would the Chapter allow him to continue this religion? When a recruit is inducted into the Chapter, he goes through some serious mental indoctrination, molding his mind into what is deemed acceptable by the Astartes. His former life will more or less be erased from his mind, with maybe only a few memories of his homeworld, and then with replaced with the Emperor, the history of the Galaxy and the purpose of his duty. I would try to look at ways for the Chapter, the Marines themselves, to be influenced by the idea of the Great Panther, somehow seeing great wisdom in this worship. The easiest way would be to make them a earlier founding, giving them more time to develop these beliefs. So i could either go with making their founding earlier or somehow get the marines influenced by the idea behind the Great Panther. Personally my first though would be just to make them an earlier founding but i'm not sure if that would be a far too simple solution to the problem and that i should try to come up with some characterful way they got influenced by the ideaology behind the Great Panther. What do you guys think go with the simple solution or attempt to form a more complex and perhaps more intersting way in which they were influenced? Once again thanks for any and all help Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076207 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 The simple solution is often the best one. Although, ideally, I'd like to see more about how the whole Great Panther idea worked it's way into the chapter. This is a good start, all the same. Good stuff. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076221 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Yeah i was thinking that people would most likely prefer to hear more about how it came to be in the Chapter. Thanks! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076374 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Grey has gotten in first with the good oils here. The most widely accepted and implemented is the 'why' One of the most frequently asked questions on this board is 'why?'. In the quest to create a Chapter that can believably exist within the boundaries set by GW, one must always follow up an idea with the question 'why?'. Yeah i was thinking that people would most likely prefer to hear more about how it came to be in the Chapter. There is a fine line to be walked here, however. Why is always the question being asked, but in answering it don't get lost in the details. As you explain a part of your chapter in detail keep taking a step back and seeing how it impacts on the flow, the length and overall feel of the article. Don't just write something straight from your mind to the page and expect it to be enough. Also, something that isn't touched on enough here is the fact that an author can often not explain well enough and can confuse anyone trying to give criticism and advice. The medium we are working with is naturally prone to mistakes and misconstruing of almost anything said unless immediately qualified in the same post. I don't though want to preach to the choir or patronize you if you know some of this already so I'll hold off on saying anything else for now. Lately the chapter have come to see themselves as Monks of the Panther wearing their robes at all times even during battle, however they know the dangers of their religion and ensure they keep it secret, well kept within the walls of their Fortress-Monastery. I'm not sure it's really that deviant of a religion. There are plenty of chapters out there with more deviant beliefs. They worship the Panther and the Emperor as the same being, that the Emperor is the object of devotion should be enough to satisfy most Inquisitors and as such, the Inquisition. Using the Inquisition as a catalyst or crisis point in a chapters IA is a very popular and overused idea, something seen more often than not. Is including the Inquisition in any way bringing anything to your chapter? Also as secrets go, it's fairly so-so. Not being the giant issue that the Dark Angels have along with all their angst. Nor is it something like the Blood Angels curse. Of course these are also first-founding chapters so the laws governing them (and second foundings) are stretched a lot further obviously, but the point is there. If the cult itself was more than a form of Emperor Worship perhaps the case would be different. However, you don't need to have the Inquisition at all. Most all chapters view the Emperor as the greatest man to have ever lived. Obviously this clashes with the word of the church, who worship the Emperor as a god. Your marines could simply worship the Emperor as the great panther, as a god instead of a man. It would make them sufficiently different to the norm to make them different but would not necessarily bring the Inquisition down on their necks, though it would also however create a different kind of rift with the Ecclisarchy than normally experienced between them and the Astartes as said previously. Something to think on perhaps. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076408 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thanks for taking your time to comment Grey Hunter! On the Inquisition point i thought the way i had written it would come across as though they are wary there could be possible repercussions and so they have decided to keep it as secret as possible even though it is not a huge secret and even though currently it has not aroused any suspicion. I'm assuming your simply suggesting its not such a great bombshell and it would'nt get them into trouble so i should drop the areas where i say they try and keep it secret? Also about the fleshing out of how they came to worship the Great Panther, i will most likely have a good chance to edit it tomorrow so i'll see if i can think up any ideas or ways that the Crimson Hunters came to worship the Emperor as the Great Panther. Although currently i'm running on a blank mind haha! Once again thanks for the help! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076536 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 I'm assuming your simply suggesting its not such a great bombshell and it would'nt get them into trouble so i should drop the areas where i say they try and keep it secret? You got what I was inferring perfectly. If you like the secret then keep it, the problem being it has to be enough of a problem for it to legitimately 'grimdark secret' - enough. If you choose to change or divert in another direction you can open up new areas but create more problems (yay more criticism! ). Or alternatively as you said you can drop it completely. It's essentially up to you as you well know. All it really needs is some thought as to just where you want these guys to go and how it affects or is affected by the character of the chapter as a whole. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076549 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Well i may drop it, all depends on how i explain the cult of the Great Panther coming into the Chapter i guess. Still not sure where i will go with that perhaps when they first came to the homeworld the tribesmen's spokesperson was a shaman of the Panther and the marines recognized the wonder and brilliance of a Panther, maybe after that it grew inside the marines minds. Meh, i dunno i'm clutching at straws Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076557 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfbiter Posted August 11, 2009 Share Posted August 11, 2009 Hi Mr. Paranoid. Welcome to the Liber. Took a quick look through your IA, and I have a few comments below. Please feel free to use as you see fit: 1. Name and Appearance of your Chapter: I like both. (And I used a similar command structure for my own Astral Hawks.) 2. Homeworld: A couple of details: 'Deathworld' and 'Feral World' are two separate classifications for Imperial planets, I believe. A Deathworld is where the native life is so hostile to humans that living conditions are near-lethal. (Example: Catachan, which crawls with deadly plants and Tyranid-descended lifeforms). A Feral World, on the other hand, is one with human inhabitants who have regressed to a primitive state of existence. It might be very harsh, but not as deadly as a Deathworld (I'm trying to recall whether Fenris, the Space Wolves homeworld, is considered a Deathworld or Feral World--I think it's Feral, but I might be off on this). Based on your description, your Chapter's homeworld seems to fit more in the Feral category. If you want to upgrade it to a Deathworld, you can, but given that they seem to spend so much time invaded by Orks that might be overkill for the poor natives. :P 3. Chapter beliefs. When I first read the Chapter suffered 65 percent casualties in its first deployment (!) I thought, "Yikes, that's too much." But you perhaps could use that as a springboard for the native beliefs permeating the Chapter, if they heavily recruited from the native population. One concern, though: An Ork-fighting Chapter that has suffered heavy casualties sounds an awful lot like GW's Crimson Fists. I would suggest you concentrate more on the Chapter's adaption of primitive beliefs and a 'Feral' style more than the Ork-fightin' and casualty-takin' to make sure your Chapter stays distinct. 4. You could have some good potential flavor for your chapter with the strange primitive beliefs, if you do the details right. I suggest you check out some reference material on Central or South American tribal beliefs perhaps to draw from for sources to develop your Great Panther cult. You might see if you can find any African or Indian myths about great cats also. 5. Last, when you do your second draft, I recommend you strive for a more 'formal' narrative style. Read lots of GW codices and articles on Marines to get that bombastic tone we all seek to achieve. :) Instead of "The marines got a warm welcome from the natives" perhaps something like "Drawn together in bloody battle against the greenskin hordes, the natives hailed the Crimson Hunters as bloody incarnations of the Panther God, sent to wreak vengeance against the hated aliens." Or something like that. :) Good luck! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076596 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 11, 2009 Author Share Posted August 11, 2009 Thank you very much Wolfbiter for taking your time to comment! 1) Thanks very much! 2) I think Deathworld was perhaps a typo on my part but it will definately be changed in the second draft ( which should be coming tommorrow :P) 3) Thank you for the idea, i will certainly be concentrating more on the chapters quirky religion than fighting Orks in the second draft. 4) I will endeavour to find out more about these tribes and see if their is possibly anything pertaining to big cats or large predators of some sort. 5) Yeah i know exactly what you mean, i always seem to write in an informal style but for this sort of thing it definatley comes out better with a much more formal style. Will certainly go through it and attempt to get it in a more formal style. Thanks again this is very much appreciated! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2076622 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 Second draft posted in the first post! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2077399 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 The second version of the IA is a more compelling read. Dropping the secrecy bit has made the chapter more... well, it's worked. :) I'm not really certain if there's any spots that need improving, but a bit about the chapter's recent campaigns could be an interesting addition. Maybe how they interact with other Imperial forces, too - do their beliefs and tactics integrate well with others, as befits a skilled hunter? Or are they aloof, and mysterious, like the lone panther prowling the wild lands? Good stuff so far, though. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2077735 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Thanks for the compliment :P Also if others agree it needs it i will attempt to put some of their recent campaigns and how they interact with Imperial forces in ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2078258 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 13, 2009 Author Share Posted August 13, 2009 Sorry for the double post but *bump* Anyone else with thoughts or comments? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2078624 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 Anybody at all? Or should i begin to consider submitting this to the Librarium :o Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2079318 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 You need to be more patient for feedback. The Liber is normally fairly slow. Triple posting within 48 hours when you've made no changes isn't needed. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2079436 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 Sorry but i'm trying to avoid the topic getting sucked into page 2. Simply because so many more topics have been made. It has been changed since many people have commented also and that is why i wish for people to comment again on the second draft. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2079447 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 Sorry but i'm trying to avoid the topic getting sucked into page 2. Simply because so many more topics have been made. It has been changed since many people have commented also and that is why i wish for people to comment again on the second draft. There are better ways to do that. Firstly, wait until the topic actually goes off the page before bumping rather than bumping over namesake paranoia. Secondly, you can always PM some of the more regular contributors and ask them to look your changes over. Lastly, you can also post on other peoples IA's, people who you help are often reciprocal and will in turn look yours over. You should also modify your opening post rather than creating subsequent posts for changes as it bogs the thread down and can confuse people if only smaller changes are made. Use your subsequent posts for notifying of additions or changes so people can quickly look to what is different and rate it, if those were the main trouble points, and respond to criticism made by others. I haven't looked beyond the surface just yet but on first glance it looks a lot better than it did. They had received 65% casualties of their battle ready companies. Does this mean 65% overall chapter losses? Or is it 65% of each company individually? Your Homeworld section is very muddied at the moment. You've combined bits from Beliefs and Recruitment into it, which isn't always a bad thing, but the bits you have in there feel more like they actually belong in those sections rather than where they are. This usually comes from having too much detail about a subject in the wrong section. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2079464 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Paranoid Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 There are better ways to do that. Firstly, wait until the topic actually goes off the page before bumping rather than bumping over namesake paranoia.Secondly, you can always PM some of the more regular contributors and ask them to look your changes over. Lastly, you can also post on other peoples IA's, people who you help are often reciprocal and will in turn look yours over. You should also modify your opening post rather than creating subsequent posts for changes as it bogs the thread down and can confuse people if only smaller changes are made. Use your subsequent posts for notifying of additions or changes so people can quickly look to what is different and rate it, if those were the main trouble points, and respond to criticism made by others. I haven't looked beyond the surface just yet but on first glance it looks a lot better than it did. Does this mean 65% overall chapter losses? Or is it 65% of each company individually? Your Homeworld section is very muddied at the moment. You've combined bits from Beliefs and Recruitment into it, which isn't always a bad thing, but the bits you have in there feel more like they actually belong in those sections rather than where they are. This usually comes from having too much detail about a subject in the wrong section. First off i'm sorry i'm not too used to forums as i haven't spent overly much time on them so i'm not 100% on forum etiquette but thank you for pointing out my mistakes :lol: Secondly i meant that to mean 65% casualties of the battle ready companies, these were the companies used in the battle. Being this way it allows me to explain that the cult of the Great Panther came into the chapter because of the sheer mass of recruits that were inducted into the chapter from their homeworld. I also thought the same about the homeworld section but i'm not too sure what else should be in there. Perhaps more description of the planet and maybe more details of the tribes and whatnot. Although i don't believe the marines would be too bothered about the different tribes, only that they are strong and keep frequent fighting to stay hardened and stay as good recruits. Once again i'm really sorry! I will update my first post with the second draft and remove the second draft from further down! Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/175626-ia-crimson-hunters/#findComment-2079506 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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