Skeletons in the warp

[chapter master 454]

This piece is another attempt by me, at something that really is just a little bit of fun and I enjoy writing stories so without further ado, lets begin.

 

A groaning whine of a lame servo cryed into the silence. Chapter master 454 had been in the infested corridors of the space hulk for some five minutes and already genestealers are almost overcoming him, his terminator armour was covered in deep gouges where genestealers had slashed their claws arcross. All the litanies and purity seals that had previously been attached were now somewhere back in the corridors, shredded and crushed under a maelstorm of melee, the suits sensors were barely working and power was running low after a near fatal blow that had damaged the power plant of the suit. To top it off, his right leg servo was damaged and causing a hinderance that he could do without.

He was armed with his personal combi-plasma, a unique weapon that was a combination of plasma weaponry and flamer, and his count of shots was now down to only 7 left, the flamer had a 3 second burst left. After all that was gone it would be only his chainfist to keep him alive, the finely crafted blade edges of adamantium could carve any armour asunder and he planned on using this to enter a very specific room with the blood drenched teeth of it. His lumbering stride limped with every step of the right and the left took forever as he fought to move his right leg forward. He needed to round one more corner and it would be within twenty feet according to the terminator that reported the room, he had marked it by leaving 3 empty bolt shells in front of it. If records are correct this segment of 'Damnations bridge' was an inquistors ship some thousand years back, the exact one the former chapter master of his chapter was on, he was aboard that ship because the inquisitor wished to see the chapter master himself and a relic recovered from a chaos infested world. His servo let out a wailing shriek and collapsed and his massive frame taking a sudden knee echoed right down the corridors for miles, his sensor now barely even having a showing display not only showed power levels at 10% but that some 10 genestealers were now heading for him. Knowing the damage it had taken, it was more likely 30 genestealers no more that 3 minutes away.

Forcing himself up he upped his pace, while more straining on his body he at least didn't have to deal with the servo ceasing up. While not as fast turning the corner proved far too long, he had only two minutes left and cutting the door open wasn't going to be quick so he forced himself to reach the door and his chainfist roared to life as blood sprayed off from the weapons teeth chattering with hunger for carving armour. He barely had thirty seconds left when he had cut open the door, forward through the door to see in a now fading lamp light a terminator armour bedecked in lintanies and seals and ornate plating in the same colour as his armour. twenty seconds, he saw the grail lying inert in the seated armours lap, the skull was still plugged into the armour and was hanging as it was looking down at some child but this wasn't time for staring, fifteen seconds, he activated the retrieval beacon for his armour and the seated suit. He step forward twice then turned with all his effort, five seconds, he took a knee on his right leg, four seconds, raising his left arm he activated his weapons systems taking the suit down to a dangerous 5% power level, three, he turned off his sensor, two, and prayed to the emperor, one. The tide of of purple flesh and blue chitin met practiced aiming as the plasma hammered into the first xenos, it's chest melting away within mere milliseconds, the third was first wounded by a shot blasting off one of its four arms and tehn finished with a third to the head, a third not concerned with its safety or anything except killing the intruder was struck in the lower torso creating a spectacular severing of body from legs it's body dying from its insides being roasted by the next proximity to the organs. The tide had broken for a moment enough to switch the weapon to it's flamer, he blasted all 3 seconds when he saw the first genestealer turn to enter the room, as the flames died down he returned the weapon to it's plasma mode and again fired his last 3 shots in an act of fine marksmanship, the first was a headshot that felled the creature in a second while the third blew a hole right through one behind to which the third shot travel through to mortally wound the last.

The six plus maybe another three from the flamer, so nine down another twenty-one to go. His suit was at 6% now, turning off the sensor had gave him back about 2% so with the remaining power reserves he activated his chainfist and prepared for his demise. The monsters continued their charge and the chainfist was swung in wide arcs, the chitin armour and flesh were slashed apart in a spray of blood that further coated his armour. He felled a further six with his arcing swings but his fist went silent and his suit fell heavier than anything he had felt before, power levels now zero. He prayed to the emperor for salvation that the beacon had reached the ship and they were about to retrieve. He felt a claw puncture his chest destroying one of his heart while another rent one of his lungs open and numerous other claws sliced at the armour where gouges had already appeared. He did not scream, he did not yell in anger but groaned as he felt his life ebb slowly away and darkness fell upon him.

 

He awoke, pain still ravaged his body but he was alive by the emperors grace. "Sir, you have awoken. You passed out shortly before we managed to extract you, your wounds were extensive; several deep flesh wounds, your left lung was completely destroyed and your first heart was as well. We had to replace your left leg with a bionic one from the mid-thigh down. Please rest for now sir, we had to replace your lung and heart and you won't be able for service in the emperors name for at least a month" Chief apothicary Gordan was by far the chapters finest apothicary and so far he has revived every marine, bar the ones dead before they even got to him, that has been put in his care. "What is the statis of that hulk and what was done to the suit of armour I recovered along with the grail?" he still felt a little weary and only now, his eyes now adjusted to the light, did he see his new leg along with his muscled body covered up by bandages to ensure wounds healed right. That was more a personal quirk of Gordans, they were never needed but he used them regardless, his belief wounds heal better with them than without dispite a marines enhanced body repairing. "The hulk has been destroyed successfully, the armour and grail have been moved to the relicrium. Your armour however is currently under some repair, your experiment with merging your own power armour to terminator armour has, to put it mildly, annoyed your techmarines. They wanted me to pass on their regards to 'the careless idiot who has ruined the work of master artifcers', so I believe they are saying not to combine your armour with the most precious terminator armour." Gordan may be wearing a helmet but a supressed grin shone right through it, "I'll go personally and tell them not to then tell me what to wear in a hulk." he shakely gained his balance with his new leg and putting on some basic robes from a nearby rack he staggered down to the armoury. He was still concerned, the glimpses of that grail showed blood angel style of work and that armour had mixed symbols of imperial fists and blood angels as well. All those years ago he managed to get rid of that blasted truth, the fact he hated having the impure blood of blood angels running through his veins. Self-hatred was a sin and he deserved penance for such an act but he never did, denial of the truth was the only thing that kept him from going insane about it. Now the chapter holds two relics that are ether from the blood angels or reference to their mixed geneseed, just like the relictors.

He carried on with his thoughts all the way to the armoury, but it all boiled down to one phrase 'Past now present'.

[antique_nova]

this isn't good enough! more i say more!, lol. It's interesting, but you are not giving the reader enough info to carry on and the surveying is a wee bit too long i feel. You need to make the story flow better, it seems to stutter like a car with a driver who can't use the go pedal properly. Sorry for the harsh comment, but i felt you needed it since you don't need sweet talks to get you going! this story has potential with the msytery though.

 

thanks

antique_nova

[chapter master 454]

this isn't good enough! more i say more!, lol. It's interesting, but you are not giving the reader enough info to carry on and the surveying is a wee bit too long i feel. You need to make the story flow better, it seems to stutter like a car with a driver who can't use the go pedal properly. Sorry for the harsh comment, but i felt you needed it since you don't need sweet talks to get you going! this story has potential with the msytery though.

 

thanks

antique_nova

 

Don't worry, I prefer getting the truth so I can improve. Please explain any methods I may use to help develop like tell me parts where to expand, shorten or improve. I am very keen on my story telling so please, let me know.

[antique_nova]

read some books and whenever you see a part that you like or interests you. look a few lines back and a few lines after it and try to see anything that helps.

I helps me alot ^^.

More suggestions and techniques later.

Also, aways assessing the first 1 and the line after that helps to improve your story.

espeically series books ( not the first book of like 5 though ) i mean like the 2nd in the series etc.

thanks

antique_nova

[ShinyRhino]

Not a bad little blurb. In the spirit of growing creative writers, I'll throw some critique in here...

 

 

He marched down the corridor, each step echoed up and down the lifeless halls. True this space hulk still had plenty of those filthy xenos left but final preparation for the infernal ship was now on the final stages and soon this would all be a memory...again.

 

Be wary of word choice when writing. For example, the second word of your story is "marched." Stop for a moment and think about what this word evokes for a reader. Personally, I envision a marching Terminator as walking in a slow, rigid manner, with each step measured and uniform. Marines march on a parade ground or during close-order drill. I don't think they'd march while skulking around in a Genestealer-infested space hulk.

Your second sentence makes 454 seem almost lackadaisical in his manner. "Oh, hey. I know this place is crawling with bugs that could kill me with a swipe of a claw, but I think I'll just take a leisurely stroll to my objective, maybe have a spot of tea." This has the effect of totally undercutting any drama, suspense, or tension you're trying to build.

 

Clad in tactical dreadnought armour, or terminator armour, he was in the finest protection he could ever get bar being inside a land raider.

 

The inclusion of a Land Raider isn't important to the story. Perhaps describe the TDA instead. Focus on examples of how it might function, or details of its construction. The beginning of Black Library novels do this all the time. For exmaple, you might have 454 focus on a laser burn on his armor, and give a brief description of how it stopped a close-range shot from a lascannon when he was involved in boarding action against a Rebel Guard ship.

 

Step by step he advanced to a room said to be sealed tight and use of a chainfist to gain entry was needed, on his right arm he bore such a weapon that could carve even the thickest amour to shreds. The teeth were slick with blood and his armour was near enough covered in red and his storm bolter was no better off, it had jammed where it would need a techmarine to repair it so it too was now considered a melee weapon.

 

This is a jumble of details. The worst wayt o reveal things about your character is to list them off in one go. Instead of telling us that the room was sealed, show us. Is it marked as such by the previous squad? How so? Modern military units often mark building doors and windows with paint to designate them as "cleared."

If the door is sealed and he needs to cut through with a chainfist, show us that. It's also a good opportunity to describe the chainfist, and how it works. The fact that it is covered in blood can be described as he sets it to work against the bulkhead, instead of just tossing it in there.

Having 454's storm bolter start the story jammed is a bit of an anticlimax. While a gun jamming in the heat of battle is a tad cliche, it's a realistic detail. Or, if you don't want to go that route, just have him sans bolter. Perhaps he dropped it down a shaft, or it was destroyed. Him lugging around a useless weapon is a detail we don't need to know.

 

He turned a corner to his left. The squad previous had claimed this area secure, however so far he had tallied up to ten genestealers. Many more lay in wait, their breath held and their claws sharp like his chainfist. Another trio of the purple skinned aliens jumped round the corner, crawling with blinding speed towards the chapter master. While bracing he saw the room he was looking for. That glance almost killed him as one of the genestealers clambered upon his back and begun tearing at his armour while the other two dived at him head on intend on skewer their claws into his armour before ripping it asunder. He arced his fist round, the roaring engine of the blessed machine didn't even stutter as the blades carved the upper torso of both aliens apart, he backed up into a strut crushing most of the life out of the xenos that fell to the floor writhing in pain. It's last sight the heel of his boot.

 

Again, a huge jumble of details that lack any sense of urgency or cohesion.

Let's start with the first sentence, "He turned a corner to his left." There's no suspense to this. It's like he's gone for a drive on a Sunday afternoon, and is turning left onto the parkway.

Put yourself in 454's armor. If you're stalking toward an objective in a space hulk, are you going to just stumble blindly around the corner? No way! You're going to creep up to it, peek around, and get alook at what's ahead, SWAT-style. This would be an excellent chance to set the scene for the coming attack. Maybe there are flickering lights, dangling wires, etc. These all set a realistic scene for the coming encounter.

How does 454 know there are more Genestealers in wait? The previous squad cleared the area, right? Don't give your characters the power of foresight. Ever.

The order of events as you present them really kneecaps the scene. You first introduce three Genestealers running around the corner (which 454 has already turned, remember?). Insteadof bracing for the attack or otherwise reacting to the presence of the Stealers, 454 essentially ignores than and says "Hey, that's the room I was looking for! Sweet!"

Perhaps introduce the detail of the door or room he was looking for when he pokes his head aruond the corner.

Genestealers are sneaky bastards. having them just run down the corridor at 454 is counter to their nature. Instead, they should be popping out of holes, dropping from the ceiling, or leaping from airshafts. That way they can get the drop on him by nature of their own skill, instead of by some flaw of his. This represents them as skilled opponents that the reader can respect, instead of making your hero out to be a careless buffoon.

The fight scene is very brief, and far too easy. in a fight, there are going to be dodges, ducks, feints, and DETAILS. What does the Genestealer on his back feel like? Is it heavy? What sound do its claws make while it's scratching at his armor?

 

The sound of tearing metal and whining servos were hear for miles in the corridors as the chapter master carved open the chamber only to reveal his on fear. Stepping through he was greeted by a seated terminator with it's helmet at his feet. The skull of the terminator was clearly shown like some battle scar. The armour was of another 454 guard marine, a very skilled and venerable one too. The former chapter master of the 454 guard. The armour too bore the blasted symbols of the blood angels, chapter master 454 had to resist spitting on the ground because of his helmet.

 

The sound of his chainfist echoes for miles? Ok, I can buy that. However, what I can't buy is the fact that there's no response to it. If there are still Genestealers on the Hulk, they'd come bounding toward the noise. 454 needs to move with a sense of URGENCY if he's making that much noise, and you need to provide us with that detail. As it stands now, the carving through the bulkhead is only a 4-word phrase on the page.

"Only to reveal his own fear..." is an odd ending to the sentence. You jump straight from the carving to the revelation of fear in the same sentence. What is he afraid of? At this point, it's just a dead Terminator. Its skull is shown "like some battle scar." How is an exposed skull like a battle scar? Exposed skulls don't heal!

You tell us that the dead Terminator is a "skilled and venerable one." Show us, don't tell us. Provide details about the suit that prove to us that the former Terminator was indeed skilled and venerable. Battle honours, litanies, etc.

Now we go back to the fear aspect. What is scary about this situation for 454? Was he hoping the dead Terminator was still alive, and now that he discovers the remains, his fears are realized?

 

'So you've finally come back to haunt me, no surprise since I did completely change your chapter', 454 spoke to the skeleton as if it were alive.

 

Argh! The dreaded external monologue! No one in their right mind talks to inanimate objects while in the middle of an enemy-infested space hulk. If you're going for a segway to some backstory, focus on a detail and use it as a springboard to change settings, but keep it brief. You need to show 454's recognition of the corpse, but don't want to jump off in the middle of the suspenseful discovery.

 

Then again maybe he isn't alone.

 

This is the omniscient narrator popping his head into the story. Personally, it's a style I detest because it's used as a weak foreshadowing device, instead of driving the story with detail and action.

 

He spotted something by the left hand power fist, a grail of sorts that was very similar to blood angel style. With a sigh he opened his vox to the ship 'Activating retrieval beacon. Lock on my position and perform emergency extraction via teleporters. Awaiting responce', He had activated both suits retrieval beacons, knowing that being so close to it would teleport it with him. 'We have confirmed lock and beginning emergency extraction, please stand-by', 454 couldn't really phathom why this ship had to come back to haunt him, whatever the reason it was now quite clear when he returned the truth would have to be given...the truth of the geneseed he had kept for over a millenia. Imperial fist and Blood angels were used in the chapters creation and to mark this chapters ties to those chapters were given 10 suits of terminator armour from the blood angels, with icongraphy on those suits used on other suits and a land raider from the imperial fists. Not every chapter got that attention but since this chapter was meant to keep chaos and orks down they were given these by their parent chapters to aid in easing the harsh combat zones.

 

Unfortunately, none of this detail makes sense when revealed in this situation. Remember, 454 has a ship full of bad guys behind him. He doesn't have time for reflection upon the gifts given during the chapter's founding.

Fluffhounds will tear this part to shreds, as well. Multiple chapters aren't used to make "geneseed cocktails." I'll leave it at that, and let the fluffhounds bite you there.

Remember to label sections of dialogue. We know 454 speaks the first line, but who says the second one? What is this "it" he plans to teleport with him? The dead Terminator, or the grail? If it's the grail, why not just pick it up? Less chance of it being lost in the Warp if it's on your person, yes?

 

454 never did like the blood angels. A chapter cursed by their very own primarch, surely that isn't right how could the primarch of the chapter ever damn his own chapter. It was all very suspect to him, he got along very well with imperial fists however he hated fighting alongside those he should call brother. 'why? why, emperor, are we born from such impurity?'.

 

Wait. He doesn't like the Blood Angels, but his Chapter is built from their roots. Self-loathing? Again, your details are jumbled and out of order. "He got along very well with the Imperial Fists, however, he hated fighting alongside those he should call brother." So, he gets along well with the Fists, but hates fighting alongside them? I'm lost!

 

As his words echoed and died away, more genestealers sped through only to be left behind in a flash of light. 454, the suit of terminator army and the chalice had vanished from the room. The only evidence he was there at all was the jammed bolter laid upon the right arm rest of the chair.

 

ANTICLIMAX! The enemy shows up, finally, but 454 is already gone. Booooring. No suspense or action here whatsoever. Think of this like the ending of a movie. You paid $9 to get in, and the movie ends with the hero poofing away, and the bad guys standing around. Would you want your money back? I would.

This is an opportunity for a tense final fight or encounter. Mayeb the Genstealers attack the room, and 454 is trying to keep them out or hold them off. As the numbers increase, he makes a NARROW escape. Perhaps he's saved from death by a hair's breadth, instead of getting away with time to spare.

I like the image of the bolter left abandoned, but as mentioned before, there's no reason he'd have been carrying that thing around only to be tossed aside at the end of the story. Not very heroic. If it's a precious item that he refused to drop even when it was broken, you need extenuating circumstances at the end for its being left behind. If it's junk, don't bother with it at all.

 

 

All in all, you have the framework for a nice short story. Unfortunately, you're trying to cram too much irrelevant detail into too small a space, at the cost of leaving out all the important pace-driving details.

Small details drive stories. Details must be woven into the work through use of your characters, not listed out like a wargear selection sheet. Your hero might be a Space Marine, but he still needs to feel realistic. One thing Space Marine writers have to struggle with is determining how human their characters are. Too flat, and they're boring to read about. Too human, and they're not supermen. It's a fine line to walk. Always remember that your characters have to react appropriately to the situations they find themselves in. Things like having a sense of urgency, being nervous, in a hurry, confident in one's abilities, etc. all make for believable characters. Without a believeable and likable character, your story isn't worth reading.

 

Give it a rewrite, and let us see how a second pass works out.

[chapter master 454]

Posted after his girlfriend failed to understand the words: 'don't close that tab or change it no matter what ok, it's a work piece I am nearly finished'

 

Right, I had made a completely different version now putting him more true to his weaponry (his unique Combi-weapon, a plasma pistol with flamer) and decided to experiment with a 'counter point information'. He at one point is under strain of time to get through the door he cut open and had struggled with a leg servo giving way just before a genestealer charging group on both front and back . He has at the very last moments (from what I remember) few seconds and heres what it sounded like:

 

"he activated the retrieval beacon on his armour and the other long battle weary armour, 10 seconds, he moved as fast as the now broken leg servo would let him and recovered the grail and held it with his chainfist, 5, he turned round, 4, he took a knee, 3, he rose his left arm, 2, hegave a prayer to the emperor, 1. They burst through the door in a tide of purple skin and blue chitin armour, he prayed as he activated his weapon and with a blinding light, plasma blasted one away but two more appeared only to be met by more plasma, now 4, his weapon ran hot but stayed true, 6 came through and his pistol was out after the first 4, they charged him to feel a burning wrath of his flamer. He prayed for salvation from this, the sheering flames held the xenos at bay but even that gave way. He would not die this day, now quickly switching the hand holding the grail, a choked roar bellowed and his chain fist came to life."

 

Thats just what I can remember, thats somewhere near the end but not quite there, he does fight the genestealers that came through but with a broken servo leg it ain't looking pretty!

 

Another note is that the reason he had so little time is that he killed a stealer earlier that let out an extremely loud cry, he had 2 minutes but thanks to a broken leg servo he was hindered, takes him a minute and a half to carve open the door and 20 seconds to reach the door itself so I hope the extract I gave is a good start. going to re-edit it tomorrow when I have regained my spirit to write it all again. Note to self: Girlfriend is now banned from PC.

[antique_nova]

i have to say, ShinyRhino hit every spot where i didn't have the energy to. Iif you want me to summarise what he said, it's jsut that you put in too much uneccessary detail and you need to think about more about what you write and how it would happen in a real life situation.

thanks

antique_nova

[chapter master 454]

Decided to go with a complete overhaul and I wager I just put up more targets, hopefully this is at least better than the last. Some closure, less anti-climax and maybe something to keep fluffhounds off me (last I read relictors were a mix of Ultramarines and Dark angels. Thats my shield and I'm sticking to it). Well enjoy, hope my descriptions are better and everything is in place. Wounding is extensive but to heck he barely got out of there!

[CaptainDanger]

This is not an attempt to sound like a grammar nazi, this is an honest critique/comment.

 

Work on proper sentence structure/capitilization/punctuation. Yes, it is prose,and you are allowed to break some rules when you are writing prose. But that is only truly applicable when you understand what the rules of grammar/sentence structure are, and when it is most effective to break them.

 

Punctuation is always very important. Improper usage muddles your imagery and story. Reread you sentences and ask yourself, "Is there any ambiguity in my meaning?" Then ask, "Is this on purpose?"

 

If you didn't mean to be ambiguous, then the sentence structure and punctuation is off. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how good your character, plot or ideas are, if I can't figure out what is going on because the prose is jumbled, I'll stop reading.

 

The only critique on subject matter I might have is to avoid making your hero and unstoppable beast, only let down by his equipment. It will tend to lead to a slow escalation throughout the story, where only truly absurd situations can challenge him. If I know the dude is going to always win as long as his armour doesn't run dry (and how many times can that happen?), then why should I bother reading? It will take away the, "What will happen next?"