Corsairs Serpentis +New Content+

[Ferrus Manus]

Would you mind PMing me it? I'd love to take a crack at it, it would give me chance to practise my freehand.

[Octavulg]

Edit:

 

Bloody double post. Read the next one. Gah.

[Octavulg]

Elite.gif Corsairs Serpentis Elite.gif

 

The name doesn't quite work. Serpentis isn't a word, for one thing. If you mean "like a serpent", they should be the Corsairs Serpentine or Serpentine Corsairs. If Serpentis is a place, you should mention that. If it's supposed to be High Gothic, look up the Latin for Corsair/Pirate and Serpentine.

 

Also, Corsairs is an odd choice for a loyal marine chapter.

 

I abide my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly. I perceive that this also was a chasing at the wind. For in much wisdom, is much grief. And he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow.

~Captain Ibrahīm

 

This doesn't actually make sense. You need practice at talking Old. :)

 

What it seems to be saying right now is:

 

I stay my heart to know wisdom, madness and folly. I perceive this was a waste of time. In much wisdom, there is much grief, and the more you know, the more you have to be upset about.

 

I think you're trying to say:

 

I do not bother with wisdom, and prefer madness and folly. Chasing wisdom is a waste of time. In much wisdom, there is much grief, and the more you know, the more you have to be upset about.

 

If so, you should probably saying:

 

I once bid my heart to know wisdom, and now bid it know madness and folly. To chase wisdom is to chase the wind, for in much wisdom, there is much grief, and he that increases knowledge increases only his sorrow.

 

If you're saying:

 

I do not bother with wisdom, and trying to get it is madness and folly. Chasing wisdom is a waste of time. In much wisdom, there is much grief, and the more you know, the more you have to be upset about.

 

You're belaboring the damned point way, way too much, and could simply say:

 

I once bid my heart know wisdom, but to chase wisdom is to chase the wind. He who increases his knowledge increases only his sorrow.

 

I think that covers all the bases.

 

The Corsairs Serpentis added their strength to the Emperors Adeptus Astartes in the closing years of the 39th Millennium....The Star Adders, whom the Corsairs had called friend from their beginnings however held a secret close to their hearts that was to tear the sector apart.

 

I question your choice for order, here.

 

I'd say you'd be better off saving the revelation of the Star Adders' survival for a little while - possibly even until the Corsairs choose a home world. At the very least, save it until the second paragraph. The two chapters share some things in common already - it'd be a good idea to try and build a relationship between the two chapters, so the betrayal comes as a surprise. You take a bit more time than you need explaining things here, and I'd say ditch most of the home world and explanation of founding in favor of developing the relationship between the Chapters. Make things normal. Very, very normal.

 

(This entire next section is up for chopping up with gusto, it was the best I could bash out at four in the morning and while the theme of this section is to remain the same I can't for the life of me at this time think of a better way to have the desired result come about. Basically, think a 'mini-Istvaan V')

 

Hmmm.

 

The problem with your next section is that the idea is presented too quickly, with minimal suspense, and is an idea that is frankly sufficiently interesting to get its own IA - see flintlocklaser's Steel Ghosts for what I mean. Alpha Legion infiltration is a complicated thing, and handwaving it does it a disservice - and feel sloppy. You spend more time on the battle then on how, exactly, the Star Adders were infiltrated.

 

The thing to do, IMO, is to build up slowly to the betrayal. The obvious thing, IMO, is to have raids by marines in the livery of the two Chapters start happening - the two Chapters launch a joint investigation force, at which point the Adders strike the weakened Fortress Monastery and then move on to attack the investigation force.

 

You could even have it so the Star Adder rank and file believed the Corsairs were the traitors (maybe, for a touch of delicious irony, have the Corsairs incorporate surviving Star Adders into their ranks - partly due to damage taken, and partly out of loyalty/compassion - which carries the possibility of a new infiltration). Or have some loyal Star Adders who join the Corsairs - or are they loyal at all...?

 

In short, be subtle and cautious with this. Make us think everything is normal, but throw in a few off touches. And play with our perceptions of who is on whose side. Hell, you could even do it so the Corsairs are the true traitors and the Star Adders were loyal, and subtly hint at it throughout the IA.

 

Also, the Battletech Star Adders might be a decent source for some inspiration/iconography. Plus, keep in mind that the two chapters will share numbers and color schemes - remember how the Mentors replaced the Star Scorpions.

 

In short, I'd come up with a decent outline of how you want to proceed, iron the kinks out of that, then write the actual IA. This is a slightly complicated idea that should be handled carefully.

[Ferrus Manus]

The problem with your next section is that the idea is presented too quickly, with minimal suspense, and is an idea that is frankly sufficiently interesting to get its own IA - see flintlocklaser's Steel Ghosts for what I mean. Alpha Legion infiltration is a complicated thing, and handwaving it does it a disservice - and feel sloppy. You spend more time on the battle then on how, exactly, the Star Adders were infiltrated.

 

Slightly off topic, apologies, but why isn't that in the Librarium yet?

[Octavulg]

Because flintlocklaser said he was going to finish it next weekend and never came back. :D

 

I PMed him about it on the Dream Pod 9 forums, where he and Paradox 01 can now most often be found. Don't remember if he ever replied. I should message him again.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

This doesn't actually make sense. You need practice at talking Old.

 

I just ripped the quote from a game, admittedly, but it seemed to fit the bill. The game was Assassins Creed and despite it's flaws I enjoy thoroughly. It is a highly stylized depiction of the actual islamic order of assassins more commonly known as Hashishim.

 

I wanted to work in the quote that is attributed to the actual leader of the sect "Nothing is true, everything is permitted", which seems to jibe with the article fairly well, but I felt it might have been a bit convoluted. Now however I think more complex is better.

 

I question your choice for order, here.

 

I think as a first draft I was just trying to assemble the mess of ideas from my mind onto paper where I could lay it all out. It doesn't help that I sometimes find it easier to write things in a narrative even if it would benefit from being an objective analysis instead.

 

Basically all your suggestions hit closer to the mark that I wanted the Corsairs at than I was able to coherently cobble together at the time. It's much appreciated because it gives me a bit more direction with which to take the rest of the piece.

 

Alpha Legion infiltration is a complicated thing, and handwaving it does it a disservice - and feel sloppy.

 

It was four in the morning! ;)

 

However, you're right there.

 

The name doesn't quite work. Serpentis isn't a word, for one thing. If you mean "like a serpent", they should be the Corsairs Serpentine or Serpentine Corsairs. If Serpentis is a place, you should mention that. If it's supposed to be High Gothic, look up the Latin for Corsair/Pirate and Serpentine.

 

Also, Corsairs is an odd choice for a loyal marine chapter.

 

I know it's a slightly odd combination and I was going to change it originally, but my regular critics (bar you :tu: ) seem to find it acceptable and I don't really want to torture Dazzo with having to alter Scally's image. Though that said, I'm not averse to a bit of forcible persuasion. :P

 

I don't know, with the mish-mash that is Imperial High Gothic it could easily escape notice as being improper I think, that said I'm not all that attached to the name really, even though it does give the whole Star Adders/Alpha Legion (Hydra) /Serpentis thing a bit of symmetry, though I might want to look closer to the Hydra than the snake perhaps. Options and opinions are more than welcome.

 

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Appreciated Octavulg.