Attempt at Proper DIY

[The Normish]

ORIGINS

The Birth of Doom

 

The Doom Guard is an Imperial Fists successor Chapter, an offshoot from the Twentieth Founding. All records of the Chapter were lost to the Imperium during the chaos of the Age of Apostasy, and have only recently resurfaced. Luckily, the Doom Guard meticulously recorded their history, so as not to be forgotten.

As befits the character of their Primarch Rogal Dorn, the Doom Guard Chapter is a stalwart defender of the Emperor’s domains and of His children. Created by the necessity of a power balance in the center of Ultima Segmentum, the Space Marines of the Doom Guard are well trained, well-equipped, and can dispense and absorb a tremendous amount of punishment. They have been fighting the foes of the Emperor for many millennia, and have at their disposal some of the most experienced warriors of the Sector.

Due to the lack of any clear outside information following the Age of Apostasy, the Doom Guard have relied on traveler testimony as to events outside their Sector, and are also kept informed by the few Space Marine fleets that pass through the area. This explains why the Doom Guard are considered backwards by their fellow Space Marines, even tough they now have access to a broader range of weaponry, technology, and information.

Unaware for millennia that the Light of the Emperor has been fading, the Doom Guard faces ever growing threats that other Chapters have known about for centuries.

The Doom Guard, however, do not feel that they have to make up for lost time. Their Chapter Master, Jaroslav von Had, holds the belief that the Doom Guard has maintained its purpose as a weight in the Ultima Segmentum, preventing the passage of numerous Ork Waaaghs! that might have, in the future, been allowed dangerously close to some of the Imperium’s most valued planets.

The Doom Guards have proven themselves numerous times against such enemies as the Orks of Da Stinga Boyz Clan, the Kraken Tyranid Hive Fleet, and several renegade Chaos Marine fleets and their daemonic influence. Their most celebrated battle is the Defense of Nova Venetia, a garden-world located in a system neighboring their home-world. Ingenuity and quick-thinking played a large role in the defeat of the Orks planning to plunder the planet and convert into a massive Space-Fortress.

 

 

Well, what do you all think?

Obviously, this only covers the origins of the Chapter, the rest will come later when I make the full article. This is just to see if my basic premise and style of writing.

By the way, I made this when I was very tired, so fi there are inconsistencies, please alert em to them.

Comments and Criticism welcome.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

the Space Marines of the Doom Guard are well trained, well-equipped, and can dispense and absorb a tremendous amount of punishment. They have been fighting the foes of the Emperor for many millennia, and have at their disposal some of the most experienced warriors of the Sector.

So is every other Space Marine Chapter in the Imperium. Also, it is an extremely rare event for a Sector to house a single Chapter. There are only a thousand Chapters and many sectors than that. Chances are, if a Chapter is in a sector, they are, by definition, the most experienced warriors, as they are bred for the sole purpose of war. It is unlikely a Chapter would share a sector with another, solely because there are much more sectors than there are Chapters. That last bit is not needed.

 

Due to the lack of any clear outside information following the Age of Apostasy, the Doom Guard have relied on traveler testimony as to events outside their Sector, and are also kept informed by the few Space Marine fleets that pass through the area. This explains why the Doom Guard are considered backwards by their fellow Space Marines, even tough they now have access to a broader range of weaponry, technology, and information.

Relying on "traveler testimony" is not considered backwards. It is considered isolated. One of the main reasons communication is difficult is because they are in the outskirts of the galaxy, where the Emperor's light is dimming and fluctuations in the Warp are more common, able to disrupt communications. Just something to add if you want an isolated Chapter.

 

Unaware for millennia that the Light of the Emperor has been fading, the Doom Guard faces ever growing threats that other Chapters have known about for centuries.

What have the Navigators and Astropaths been doing? Lounging around and counting their fingers? The receding light of Astronomican is a big thing to miss. The Imperium relies on it to stay functional. It is unlikely that Navigators and Astropaths could miss such a phenomena, considering they rely on the Emperor's light.

 

Ingenuity and quick-thinking played a large role in the defeat of the Orks planning to plunder the planet and convert into a massive Space-Fortress.

I doubt the Greenskins have the capability to convert a planet to a space-fortress. Not even the Imperium can do that. Uncovering a space-fortress however, would be more plausible.

 

So far there isn't too much information, making it hard to grasp just what you want to do with the Doom Guard. More info and a definitive theme would be best.

[The Normish]

Thanks. Again, I was typing this while very tired and not thinking straight. I will definitively work on it.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Aside from Grand Admiral Thrawn's points, here's a couple of things I noticed:

 

All records of the Chapter were lost to the Imperium during the chaos of the Age of Apostasy, and have only recently resurfaced. Luckily, the Doom Guard meticulously recorded their history, so as not to be forgotten.

 

That's redundant. Losing the records, but not actually losing them makes no sense at all. Were they lost or weren't they?

 

As befits the character of their Primarch Rogal Dorn, the Doom Guard Chapter is a stalwart defender of the Emperor’s domains and of His children.

 

This is also redundant. This is something that every Chapter does, unless they're skiving. If you want to mention Dornian (?) traits, make sure they're specific to the Imperial Fists and their successors. The loss of the Betcher's Gland and Catalespean Node, for example. As it stands, this implies that non-Sons of Dorn are slacking.

 

That's it for now, I look forward to seeing more. :P

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

All records of the Chapter were lost to the Imperium during the chaos of the Age of Apostasy, and have only recently resurfaced. Luckily, the Doom Guard meticulously recorded their history, so as not to be forgotten.

 

That's redundant. Losing the records, but not actually losing them makes no sense at all. Were they lost or weren't they?

I think what he is getting at is that the Imperium's official records have been destroyed and rely on the Chapter's to be correct.

[The Normish]

All records of the Chapter were lost to the Imperium during the chaos of the Age of Apostasy, and have only recently resurfaced. Luckily, the Doom Guard meticulously recorded their history, so as not to be forgotten.

 

That's redundant. Losing the records, but not actually losing them makes no sense at all. Were they lost or weren't they?

I think what he is getting at is that the Imperium's official records have been destroyed and rely on the Chapter's to be correct.

Exactly this. As for the mention of Space Marines being the best warriors of the sector, I was attempting an introduction to Marines as a whole. Perhaps I should make that clearer. Perhaps it is not even necessary.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn]

Not really necessary. We already know Space Marines are awesome. Just focus on the theme you want to run with.

[The Normish]

Okay, I've revamped their history and developed more on the actual founding. How about this?

 

 

 

 

 

ORIGINS

The Birth of Doom

 

The Doom Guard is an Imperial Fists Successor Chapter, and a very young one at that. Created in the 41st Millennium at the 26th Founding, the Chapter is eager to prove itself worthy of the Emperor and of Dorn’s heritage.

The geneseed of the Doom Guard is of particular interest, as the Adeptus Mechanicus was given instructions to re-introduce the Betcher’s Gland into the Imperial Fist stock for this particular Chapter. It is unknown as of yet whether or not this will result in mutation.

The Sus-an Membrane is still absent from the genes of the Doom Guard, and as such, they find it difficult to participate in extended campaigns. This has also made conventional space travel long and dull, and as such, the Doom Guard has begun to requisition a large number of Astropaths and Navigators to guide them in their many journeys through the Warp. The Chaotic influence of these journeys is yet to be determined.

The original members of the Doom Guard were chosen from the ranks of the Imperial Fists. Over the first twelve decades of the Doom Guard’s existence, these experienced warriors recruited, trained, and supervised the fledgling Space Marine Chapter until it was judged that its ranks were numerous enough to survive on their own, in 860.M41.

A Chapter-Master was chosen, the beginnings of Companies were formed, and a Chapter Organization was designed. The Adeptus Mechanicus gifted the Doom Guard with a battle-barge, the Glory’s Hold, as well as a dozen Thunderhawk gunships and a small fleet of Rhino APCs. It was then left to Chapter to develop their own arsenal as they saw fit.

 

 

 

 

 

Tell me if there are any discrepancies or items that seem unfeasible. Comments, Criticisms and Compliments welcome.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

The geneseed of the Doom Guard is of particular interest, as the Adeptus Mechanicus was given instructions to re-introduce the Betcher’s Gland into the Imperial Fist stock for this particular Chapter. It is unknown as of yet whether or not this will result in mutation.

 

Tampering with the gene-seed (itself very controversial, as it is the Emperor's holy work) has resulted in disaster on both occasions - the 13th (Dark) Founding and the 21st (Cursed) Founding. A good reason for why the AdMech would try it again is needed, and why no ill-effects have manifested. Fair enough, being a young Chapter means nothing untoward might have happened yet, but the possibility should still be mentioned.

 

the Doom Guard has begun to requisition a large number of Astropaths and Navigators

 

:cuss The Adeptus Astra Telepathica and the Navis Nobilite are all but untouchable - you do not requisition them any more than you can requisition a Tech-Priest or an Inquisitor. Heck, the Navis Nobilite are in practice immune to even Inquisitorial scrutiny - they've got too much influence to be blackmailed.

 

If you've got ships that need crewing, ask nicely and they'll have no reason to refuse. Don't have your Chapter acting like a bull in a china shop.

 

The Adeptus Mechanicus gifted the Doom Guard with a battle-barge, the Glory’s Hold, as well as a dozen Thunderhawk gunships and a small fleet of Rhino APCs.

 

"Gifted" is the wrong word, I feel. The AdMech is obliged to provide you with what you need, "gift" implies that you got it entirely from the AdMech being nice to you.

 

A Chapter-Master

 

It's usually "Chapter Master" rather than a single word, though there's nothing to stop you changing it to that. I'm just unsure if you were looking to use the standard spelling or change it to that. ^_^

[The Normish]

The geneseed of the Doom Guard is of particular interest, as the Adeptus Mechanicus was given instructions to re-introduce the Betcher’s Gland into the Imperial Fist stock for this particular Chapter. It is unknown as of yet whether or not this will result in mutation.

 

Tampering with the gene-seed (itself very controversial, as it is the Emperor's holy work) has resulted in disaster on both occasions - the 13th (Dark) Founding and the 21st (Cursed) Founding. A good reason for why the AdMech would try it again is needed, and why no ill-effects have manifested. Fair enough, being a young Chapter means nothing untoward might have happened yet, but the possibility should still be mentioned.

 

the Doom Guard has begun to requisition a large number of Astropaths and Navigators

 

:jaw: The Adeptus Astra Telepathica and the Navis Nobilite are all but untouchable - you do not requisition them any more than you can requisition a Tech-Priest or an Inquisitor. Heck, the Navis Nobilite are in practice immune to even Inquisitorial scrutiny - they've got too much influence to be blackmailed.

 

If you've got ships that need crewing, ask nicely and they'll have no reason to refuse. Don't have your Chapter acting like a bull in a china shop.

 

The Adeptus Mechanicus gifted the Doom Guard with a battle-barge, the Glory’s Hold, as well as a dozen Thunderhawk gunships and a small fleet of Rhino APCs.

 

"Gifted" is the wrong word, I feel. The AdMech is obliged to provide you with what you need, "gift" implies that you got it entirely from the AdMech being nice to you.

 

A Chapter-Master

 

It's usually "Chapter Master" rather than a single word, though there's nothing to stop you changing it to that. I'm just unsure if you were looking to use the standard spelling or change it to that. :unsure:

 

1. Didn't I mention that mutation was possible? Perhaps I should be clearer.

 

2. Sorry. I meant that the Doom Guard had politely asked for them. Perhaps instead I should point out a lack of Astropaths and Navigators.

 

3. I'll fix the "gift" issue.

 

4.I meant the conventional spelling. Thanks for clearing that up.

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Didn't I mention that mutation was possible? Perhaps I should be clearer.

 

Really it needs to form a major part of your gene-seed section. Altering gene-seed isn't done off the cuff (unless you plan on linking your Chapter to rogue AdMech Magi, which could be very interesting :unsure: ), it's really something the AdMech doesn't like to touch. It's not something that can be explained quickly, and is going to have a big effect on your Chapter character. Because it's such a big issue, the big "Why?" that governs all DIYing gets even bigger.

[The Normish]

1. Didn't I mention that mutation was possible? Perhaps I should be clearer.

 

"It is unknown as of yet whether or not this will result in mutation, thus the Chapter is closely surveyed by the Holy Inquisition."

 

2. Sorry. I meant that the Doom Guard had politely asked for them. Perhaps instead I should point out a lack of Astropaths and Navigators.

 

"the Doom Guard requires a substantial number of Astropaths and Navigators to guide them in their many journeys through the Warp."

 

3. I'll fix the "gift" issue.

 

"The Adeptus Mechanicus assigned the Doom Guard a battle-barge, the Glory’s Hold, as well as a dozen Thunderhawk gunships and a small fleet of Rhino APCs."

[The Normish]

Didn't I mention that mutation was possible? Perhaps I should be clearer.

 

Really it needs to form a major part of your gene-seed section. Altering gene-seed isn't done off the cuff (unless you plan on linking your Chapter to rogue AdMech Magi, which could be very interesting :unsure: ), it's really something the AdMech doesn't like to touch. It's not something that can be explained quickly, and is going to have a big effect on your Chapter character. Because it's such a big issue, the big "Why?" that governs all DIYing gets even bigger.

 

What I am posting is only the ORIGINS section of my Index Astartes. I haven't begun work on GENESEED or any other part yet. I read in the "How are Space Marine Chapters Founded" part of the "Guide to DIY" thread that the Adeptus Mechanicus handled the implementation of the gene-seed.

[Odsox]

If I may, I'd like to step in and add a word or two in defence of The Normish on something, ie:

 

the Space Marines of the Doom Guard are well trained, well-equipped, and can dispense and absorb a tremendous amount of punishment. They have been fighting the foes of the Emperor for many millennia, and have at their disposal some of the most experienced warriors of the Sector.

 

While this may be accepted among B&C regulars as standard issue for most marine chapters, I for one like to see this sort of thing mentioned in IAs. It's a well-written statement and reinforces the superhuman image that all marines represent. I've written similar stuff in my own attempt. Would you tell Dan Abnett that writing that a blow which would have killed an ordinary man is nothing to an Iron Snake is redundant?

 

This sort of thing adds flavour and weight to an IA posting, giving it more credence and authenticity. If someone states that their chapter is incredibly powerful, say, claiming that each of their marines being as powerful as a company captain, we'd have to step in.

 

Anyway, I like where the draft is heading at the moment and I'm looking forward to reading more about the Doom Warriors. Keep it up.

 

Od.

 

P.S.:

 

"Gifted" is the wrong word, I feel. The AdMech is obliged to provide you with what you need, "gift" implies that you got it entirely from the AdMech being nice to you.

 

Good to know. I'd written something along those lines and now you mention it, "gifted" does seem a bit much for the old cogboys.

[The Normish]

If I may, I'd like to step in and add a word or two in defence of The Normish on something, ie:

 

the Space Marines of the Doom Guard are well trained, well-equipped, and can dispense and absorb a tremendous amount of punishment. They have been fighting the foes of the Emperor for many millennia, and have at their disposal some of the most experienced warriors of the Sector.

 

While this may be accepted among B&C regulars as standard issue for most marine chapters, I for one like to see this sort of thing mentioned in IAs. It's a well-written statement and reinforces the superhuman image that all marines represent. I've written similar stuff in my own attempt. Would you tell Dan Abnett that writing that a blow which would have killed an ordinary man is nothing to an Iron Snake is redundant?

 

This sort of thing adds flavour and weight to an IA posting, giving it more credence and authenticity. If someone states that their chapter is incredibly powerful, say, claiming that each of their marines being as powerful as a company captain, we'd have to step in.

 

Anyway, I like where the draft is heading at the moment and I'm looking forward to reading more about the Doom Warriors. Keep it up.

 

Od.

 

P.S.:

 

"Gifted" is the wrong word, I feel. The AdMech is obliged to provide you with what you need, "gift" implies that you got it entirely from the AdMech being nice to you.

 

Good to know. I'd written something along those lines and now you mention it, "gifted" does seem a bit much for the old cogboys.

Thanks for your help. I'm refining this section, so you''l see it tonight maybe. Oh,. and its Doom Guard, not Doom Warriors.

 

P.S. I like the way you refer to the Adeptus Mechanicus as "cogboys". Is it alright if I do as well?

[Odsox]

Thanks for your help. I'm refining this section, so you''l see it tonight maybe. Oh,. and its Doom Guard, not Doom Warriors.

 

Yeah... I should have spotted that, seeing as I quoted it. >.> Early onset Alzheimer's, probably. My bad.

 

P.S. I like the way you refer to the Adeptus Mechanicus as "cogboys". Is it alright if I do as well?

 

Of course! The Imperial Guard (and various other Imperials - though I think spess mahreens are probably above that sort of semi-insult) have been doing it forever. :) That's where I got the term from.

[The Normish]

Alright, hopefully the final draft for theOrigins section of my Index Astartes. What say you?

 

 

 

ORIGINS

The Birth of Doom

 

The Doom Guard is an Imperial Fists Successor Chapter, and a very young one at that. Created in the 41st Millennium at the 26th Founding, the Chapter is eager to prove itself worthy of the Emperor and of Dorn’s heritage.

The geneseed of the Doom Guard is of particular interest, as the Adeptus Mechanicus was given instructions to re-introduce the Betcher’s Gland into the Imperial Fist stock for this particular Chapter. It is unknown as of yet whether or not this will result in mutation, thus the Chapter is closely surveyed by the Holy Inquisition.

The Cataleptic Membrane is still absent from the genes of the Doom Guard, and as such, they find it difficult to participate in extended campaigns. This has also made conventional space travel long and dull, and as such, the Doom Guard requires a substantial number of Astropaths and Navigators to guide them in their many journeys through the Warp. The Chaotic influence of these journeys is yet to be determined.

The first members of the Doom Guard were chosen from the ranks of the Imperial Fists. Over the first twelve decades of the Doom Guard’s existence, these experienced warriors recruited, trained, and supervised the fledgling Space Marine Chapter until it was judged capable of surviving on its own, in 860.M41.

After the departure of the Imperial Fists, a Chapter Master was chosen, the 10 Companies were formed, and a Battle cry was designed. The Adeptus Mechanicus assigned the Doom Guard a battle-barge, the Glory’s Hold, as well as a dozen Thunderhawk gunships and a small fleet of Rhino APCs. It was then left to Chapter to develop their own arsenal as they saw fit.

To this day, the Chapter holds firm within the Ultima Segmentum, protecting the Emperor’s domain and His children from the corrupting powers of Chaos and the Xenos filth.

 

 

 

 

C&C please.

[The Normish]

Oh, and I devised a Chapter Insignia as well:

 

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/1825/doomguardinsignia.png

[The Normish]

Hello? I would really appreciate some input.