Index Astartes: Doom Guard

[tiny sam]

I always thought that a battle barge was a vessel so huge that even chapter of legend like the Ultramarines were having 9 of them. how can a chapter of the 22th founding came to have "serveral" of them.

I may be mistaken then about which battle-ships are which. I understood Battle Barges to be pretty standard things. I'll find another class then.

Battle Barges are standard to every Chapter, most are freshly built for each founding.

 

Hopefully I never pretended to be the Omnissiah! :P

[voi shet magir]

The term is "condescension."

 

During editing, you may have lost the theme. I don't know that they are coming to get me, or that something is coming to get them. You need narrative. not history or chronology. Incipience is the missing quality.

[The Normish]

The term is "condescension."

Ah, right yes. I wrote "condescendence". Mea culpa. Though it would have been helpful to point it out, specifically.

During editing, you may have lost the theme. I don't know that they are coming to get me, or that something is coming to get them. You need narrative. not history or chronology. Incipience is the missing quality.

I think I see what you mean. I'll think about it, try to edit some things around, maybe, or perhaps rework some aspects of it. Any suggestions?

[voi shet magir]

You seem to have figured it out. Ctrl+f is one of those elementary commands.

 

The Chapter's original role under the tutelage of the Imperial Fists, from whom their geneseed was drawn, consisted mainly of hunting down the remaining worlds and fleets still resisting the creed of the High Lords.

 

This is a bad sentence for a prominent position. "The Chapter hunted..." is better than "The Chapter's role consisted of..." I think it starts to break the whole article.

 

The opening should also be more explicit about why. Some synonym of unity or obedience should be used in reference to the Imperial Cult and its virtues.

 

Due to the nature of the Chapter's original purpose, it has never possessed a homeworld, as this would have been impractical.

 

Once again, whatever. The succeeding sentence is a better way to lead.

 

Instead, the Doom Guard voyage in a massive fleet, consisting of hundreds of mainly small vessels, which allow them to deploy more rapidly

 

That half of it it, anyway. I think you should at least use this. Better would probably be the next paragraph.

 

This has allowed the Doom Guard to benefit from a large recruitment pool.

 

That could actually be your opening of the Homeworld section, in the form "The Doom Guard benefit..." I like to hear a little bit of the explanation first, rather than say they are fleet-based and then give a bunch of justifications. Your focus should be on their roving-enforcer role, so you could open by saying that the Chapter roams around in their fleet to be more responsive, but that is the reason every fleet-based chapter is fleet-based, so I think it is kind of weak.

 

The entire Combat Doctrine section is awkward. The content is fine, or innocuous is probably the right word. If you threw that section away, lost the file somehow, it would be no loss at all.

 

I love a working, thoughtful organization like yours. The language just needs cleaning up, and the rationalization more explicit in the same active voice most of the other sections. The Chapter Master controls the First Company directly. He passels out veteran support among the captains and campaigns, and he further controls and cultivates the brightest talent among the Chapter's junior officers. Plus, he fights more. More like, he can be a working chapter master who might even carry out specialist missions at the request of theater-commanding captains.

 

I feel like there are some different tracks and statuses among veterans. Company Standard Bearers probably stay with a company for the remainder of their careers, and become guardians of the company tradition - the Captain commands the Company, but the Company follows the Standard. Where do Doomsayers stand in this context? Command Squads are made up mostly either of Veteran Sergeants who have passed out of first company into a staff-officer role on their way to high office, and of veteran members of the company who have yet to enter the first company. Is Doomsayer a dedicated office, or is it a ceremonial role filled by some promising or charismatic squad sergeant? Do not include all of that information in the IA, but be informed by it when you write it out.

 

As far as the Chapter's heraldry comes into play,

 

Delete these words, unless you are writing an email.

 

 

The Beliefs sections is good stuff. They like the Cult because it binds the Imperium together, and they benefit because it binds them to the rest of the Imperium. The last paragraph is interesting, and relates to something I wrote for my IA, copied below.

 

The only sacred things are those the New Man made, and everything the New Man made is sacred. What He gave us obliterated and superseded us, so our persons define the bounds of sacredness.

 

 

I would prefer "the Doom Guard do not" to "the Doom Guard does not," but whatever's clever.

 

Among the personalities, I think Varas Uller is the only important one to keep. Give him another paragraph, add a note that ever since the 3rd Chapter Master incorporated the First Captaincy into his office, there has been tension between the Master's goals and those of the Captains, and Uller is the most outspoken of etc.

 

If you have too many personalities, they become a list of names. keep the important information in one place, or two. Halden, or someone else important, can be spread throughout the article, so the personalities do not fee like bullet points.