Diary of a Space Marine

[soddinnutter]

Diary of a Space Marine from the 2nd company of the Chapter known as the Lore Guard. 13th Founding (Black Founding).

 

Descended from unknown Gene-stock. Possibly Space Wolves, possibly Raven Guard.

 

Distinguishing physical features: Pronounced fang like teeth caused by mutated Betcher's Gland, heightened sense of smell caused by mutation to the Omophagea organ, brilliant night vision (as good as the Raven Guard and Night Lords) is a result of a slight mutation to the Occulobe implant, very slow maturation of new gene-seed.

 

Non-codex: In damn near everything, especially tactics and strategies.

 

Heraldry: None.

 

Battle Cry: None.

 

Homeworld: Entire Kargotha System. 5 Terra sized rock worlds with 6 moons between them, 2 small and 4 large (large being the size of Lunar) and 5 gass giants with a toatal of 24 reasonably large moons and about 30 small moons. 1 quite pleasent habitable world called Kargotha.

 

Other Notes: pursuit of knowledge is seen as there third highest priority. Second is training in arms. First is self-sacrifice for the sake of endangered innocents.

 

Day 1 of the year 428 of M40

 

Was my 1200 birthday today. Got blindingly drunk along with the rest of the squad.

 

Apocrathy Dvis says I am probably oldest scout in the galaxy. Yey, I broke a record.

 

Got a new helmet from Librarian Gvon. Better fit than the old one. Wont have to use bits of tissue paper to pad out the inside.

 

Brother Scout Benedict gave me a new diary. This one in fact.

 

Day 2

 

Chapter Master Sternist found out about yesterdays party. Crap. Had to polish the Dreadnaughts.

 

Sarge says not to interrupt the Dreads in their perpetual card game.

 

Day 3

 

Finished polishing the Dreads. Left bumper stickers on. V. Funny “I was in the Heresy and all I got was this Adamantine shell” I found very amusing. So was “If you can read this I just walked all over you”

 

Received news that the Cadian Gate is under attack again.

 

Painted all the bike’s red and wrote on them in permanent ink “Red ones go faster”

 

Everyone has started calling me Grandpa. Librarian Gvon told everyone that I’m the oldest member of the chapter. Turns out I am. I feel old. Going to look at photo album to feel less depressed.

 

Day 4

 

Ship landed to take us to Cadia. The bikers have just found out that their bikes are all red. V. Angry. Hope no one finds out it was me.

 

Ship is dull. Really dull.

 

Ultramarines on the same ship. Really, Really dull.

 

Our Dread’s accused theirs of cheating at cards. Inter-Chapter fight broke out. Had to use sniper rifle as a club. Must remember to get it fixed.

 

Day 5

 

Bloody Cog Heads won’t give me back my bloody weapon. Says the machine spirit is depressed and needs to be cheered up. Am now .

 

Ultra-smurfs Chaplin say we are a disgrace to the Adeptus Astrates. Chaplin Cassius will be arriving at Cadia with a broken nose because I punched him in the face.

 

Another inter-Chapter fight started. Relieved some of the boredom.

 

Day 6

 

Landed on Cadia this morning. Planet’s a crap hole. Beers rubbish. Just like last time we were here.

 

Have been told Scouts will not be needed on this mission. We know EXACTLY where they are. Not very stealthy these Khronists.

 

Got stuck guarding an orphanage that is liable to come under attack. Very sturdy building. Think it was once a bomb shelter. Everyone in trying to gain shelter in here.

 

V. Board. Had lots of card games with the children. Got beaten by children. Repeatedly.

 

Can hear weapons fire coming closer. I hope my battle brothers are winning.

 

Day 7

 

Khrone cultist broke into orphanage. Emptied a plasma weapon into me. Really crapy weapon. Made my light scout armour glow red-hot. Took armour of and threw it at him, hard.

 

Am in a lot of agony. Feel like I have been set on fire. Run out of opium. Run out of booze.

 

Another Khrone cultist broke in threw the back door. Gunned down 12 children 5 woman and 4 men with an antique Automatic Weapon. Used my body as a meat shield. Ripped Khrone cultists head clean of. Am losing a LOT of blood. Enhanced biology my ass. There is only so much a body can take.

 

So sleepy. Mustn’t sleep. Need sleep. Just for a short while. Hope I wake up.

 

Day 8

 

Day 9

 

Day 10

 

Day 11

 

Feel like I’ve been eaten by a polar bear.

 

Got given a medal of Chapter Master Sternist. Hooray, another one. Going to stick it on my wall with all the other ones.

 

Brother Scout Benedict visited me. Says I look like I’ve been mauled by a large carnivores animal.

 

Librarian Gvon visited today. Gave me a bottle of home brewed Lynch (one drop and your dead and its very illegal). Very good stuff. Going to save it for a special occasion.

 

Apocrathy Dvis says I will be aloud out tomorrow morning. And that we will be going back home.

 

Day12

 

Found out we lost 9 of our Chapter. I mourn. Dron Julf, Heldud Novis, Flut “flat nose” Boggus, Kelg Vut, Peter Left, Grdust X’Net, Self Cew, Warren Devil, Igrol Rock. Upon our return we shall place their bodies (what’s left of them) in the catacombs beneath the Fort. Their deeds shall never be forgotten.

 

One of the Ultra-wancker’s Chaplains started to preach how our losses were our own fault for not following the Codex Astrates to the letter and that we deserved it. Despite my injuries I did manage to beat him into insensibility along with two other Smurfs that came after him.

 

I swear if I have to spend another minute in the presence of these book obsessed morons the walls will be dripping blood, hope the ship gets here soon.

 

Day 13

 

We are on the same ship as the Moron-Marines. Have to go and have surgery in the sick-bay. Yesterdays riot (that I caused) did something to my second heart.

 

Turns out Apocrathy Dvis had left one of the bullets in. Told him to go over it with a magnet and see what comes out. Found another 3.

 

Decided to join in with the Dread’s in their card game. Damn their good. Won one game lost 112. Thank goodness they don’t play for keeps.

 

Day14

 

Discovered the reason why hardly anyone plays cards with the Dreads. It’s freaky. The cold sad voice, the discussions about friends who have been dead for more than a thousand years, talking about how they themselves died. Still its beater than looking at the ultra-idiots.

 

Turns out its not just me that hates the Dunce-marines. One walked into the Dread room on the ship today. One of the Dread’s told him “Get out or I’ll tear your bloody arms of!”

 

Hooray, we got of that idiot-infested ship. Landed just after nightfall. Feels good to be home.

 

Wasted no time in putting the Honoured Fallen in the Catacombs. May they Dream their way to Heaven.

 

Day 15

 

Got my sniper rifle back. About bloody time. Went down to the Marksman’s range just past the orchard on the southern face of the Fortress for some practice.

 

Looked in a mirror for the first time today in I don’t know how long. Almost all of my skin is made out of scar tissue. Look like a patchwork person.

 

Brother Sergeant N’kret (Sarge) has had the brilliant idea that tattooing yourself green and brown makes you camouflage. In all fairness it works quite well. If you don’t wear any armour and the local plant life is green and brown.

 

Sarge painted his armour and equipment green and brown. He now all but disappears if he stands next to a tree.

 

Day 16

 

At breakfast today Chapter Master Sternist saw what Sarge had done and decided that it was a stroke of genius. All equipment, vehicles, weapons and armour are now to be painted green and brown. Tattoos are not mandatory, thank goodness.

 

Spent entire day painting Dreads. They seemed to like it. Must be like a new fashion change to them. Seems that I am the one who gets stuck with the Dreads now since they found out how old I am.

 

Went to the nearest paint shops today to buy LOTS of green and brown paint.

 

The bikes aren’t red any more. Damn.

 

Sarge found Brother Sniper Drell’s collection of indecent photos. He had to pay for the paint. Poor sod.

 

Day 17

 

Started advertising for 9 new recruits. Poster looks good. Has a picture of a big mean looking Marine and the words ‘Imperiums Finest. Have You Got What It Take’s?’ and another one with a picture of some happy normal people and a space marine standing in front of them pointing at the reader with the words ‘The People Need You!’

 

Already receiving letters from applicants. They seem to believe being a Space Marine is a fun life. That will end when they see the recruitment Video. If its still the same one they had when I joined then we might get one or two new recruits (taking into account genetic compatibility and everything)

 

Day 18

 

Sorting thought the letters is less than fun. Seems everyone in the system between 14 and 140 has decided they want to join.

 

Why does this always happen? Every time we try and recruit we end up having to throw away 20 of them because they are written by woman. No woman in the last 10,000 years has been genetically compatible with the gene-seed. Perhaps we should have written it on the poster.

 

Thank goodness we can go for weeks without sleep. It’s the only way I can see us getting through all this stuff. Even the Dreads are helping.

 

Day 19

 

Suggested employing some of the people from the local communities in sorting the applications. Got told to shut the hell up.

 

Tempted to eat some of the letters just for fun.

 

Day 20

 

Parts of my body are starting to go numb from sitting here for what seems like eternity sorting bloody letters.

 

No new applications are coming in. Progress is being made.

 

The heap of letters touches the roof of the great hall. Damn that’s a lot of letters.

 

Heap does not seem to be reducing in size.

 

Day 21

 

Has that pile just got bigger?

 

Day 22

 

I think that this is the real reason marines turn to Chaos. They aren’t known for having lots of paper work.

 

Day23

 

Turns out there are fewer letters than we thought. Some idiot buried a Dread. It’s the only time they can be stealthy.

 

Think we are starting to have an effect on the heap of letters.

 

Day24

 

Nearly there

 

Day25

 

It’s nearly midnight and we are finished. Going to drink that bottle of lynch now. Don’t care if it kills me.

 

432 applicants were found to be acceptable and have the correct characteristics and qualifications.

 

They should be approaching the fortress soon. Most of them wont like what is on the video. What’s left will then have to go through the genetic compatibility test

 

Brother Fult of the seventh company Devastators started a pool today as to how many new recruits we are going to get. The favourite seems to be 4 or 5.

 

Day 26

 

Apocrathy sorting through the first batch of marines. Found one with useable genetics. Poor sod will curse his genes and enthusiasm before the year is out. A new neophyte in the first batch. Good omen.

 

Went to the lake today to exercise the third lung with some underwater combat with the rest of the squad. Its still early spring. Water is very cold.

 

Started raining. Hard to tell where lake ends and air begins.

 

Got to look on the bright side. Won’t have to have a bath for a while now.

 

Day 27

 

The Inquisition turned up today for a supposedly random check. We had 4 of these last year. Think they may be trying to declare us excommunicate traitor for not following the Codex Astrates.

 

Inquisitor is a pillock. Arrogant, pompous, foolish and a total knobhead. Henchmen think they are untouchable.

 

They have demanded to see the surgery and the gene-seed storage vats. It was a struggle to get the Apocrathy’s to open the door. It takes nearly 50 years to grow a new Gene-seed. Reluctant to let anyone near then as I am sure you can understand.

 

Day 28

 

Now they are searching through the hall of records and the great library. The public one and the private one.

 

He has declared Brother Sinost Baal of the fourth company sniper’s of being a heretic just for his infamous Golden Toilet joke. Trial begins at sundown tomorrow.

 

Poor Brother Sinost was carted away to the lodgings of the Big-I. Chapter Master Sternist was livid.

 

All are being questioned by the henchmen. Fights have broken out at their bitchy attitude.

 

Day 30

 

Brother Simonium Fisk the first company Tech-marine suffered the same fate as brother Sinost Baal for the ‘crime’ of techno-heresy. Have bad feeling about today’s trial.

 

For dinner was beef. Real beef, not the protein synthesised crud. And some sort of poisonous seaweed. The Big-I demanded to sit at the Head Table. Very hard as we don’t have a head table. We all threw beef bones at him and his cronies.

 

After dinner the squad went to the sparing room to practice fighting with power claws. Got beaten repeatedly by my fellow scouts. Don’t care that we don’t age, I still sometimes feel old.

 

Trial declared the two Marines guilty and sentenced to execution. Immediately. Just as the standard issue execution rifle was brought forth to the Inquisitor the Chapter Master spoke up. Can’t remember exactly what he said but it went something like this:

 

“Don’t you dare touch my lads Inquisitor.”

 

“You wouldn’t dare commit the ultimate heresy by trying to stop me.”

 

“There’s something you should know ‘Inquisitor’, we here look after our own. And I know these two. They may be unorthodox and prone to excessive bouts of inappropriate humour, but they are good men of the Imperium and if you so much as look at them threateningly again you will die.”

 

“You would not dare and strike a servant of His highest order.”

 

It was about this time that the Chapter Master broke the Inquisitors right arm.

 

“You are a long way from sympathetic ears ‘Inquisitor’, and if you do not leave now things will go very bad for you.”

 

“Men Attack!” possibly the last thing you should shout in a room full of Adepts of the Astrates.

 

We buried the inquisitor and his henchmen in the orchard. We will say that he never arrived. The warp can be very treacherous at times.

 

Day 31

 

Another 5 recruits already have passed the genetic screening test.

 

That would be all of them.

 

6 in total the winners of the pool received and shared equally the prize money. No doubt it will go on some more copper tubing for the still next to the big apple tree. You can get some really good cider from them apples if it’s been a good apple year.

 

Received word that there is another attack on Cadia. Am thinking that maybe we should just move the fortress over there.

 

Day 32

 

Turns out that the Black Tempelers have answered this call. If there is one thing worse than an ultra smurf it’s one of those irritating, worthless, self-righteous hypocrites. Really hate them.

 

Some idiot of the tenth company tried to trip over the terminators of the first this morning to see them do the turtle impression. Now I’m not saying that it’s not funny to trip over a terminator and I’ve done it enough times myself, but the idea is you have to do it without being caught. Just sticking your leg out as they walk past is just cursing for a bruising.

 

Stuck a sigh on the back of one of the terminators of the eighth company just after dinner. It said “I love chaos”. Tried and tested

 

Got another message today saying some backwater mining colony in the galactic east is under attack by the Tyrannids. Really hate cockroaches. Ship arrives in three days time, warp permitting.

 

Day 33

 

Librarian Gvon had to go to the Apocrathy today. Tried polishing a plasma gun and it went off in his hands. There’s probably a bad joke in there somewhere, but the Librarian is a psyker and I don’t even want to think that sort of thing around him.

 

Have discovered a new stupid song today; ‘how much violence can a Sister of Silence silence, if a Sister of Silence could silence violence’ invented by brother Keel of the ninth company. Don’t think he’s onto a winner on that one.

 

Just heard that my company (the 2nd) will be meeting up with two black Tempelers company’s. Why does the universe hate me?

 

Just heard that the planet in question is held by the Ultimar sub-empire. So there is a chance of the ultra-smurfs may make an appearance. Just keeps getting better and better.

 

 

 

Day 34

 

Spent entire day practicing stealthy combat in the forests with the rest of the squad using rubber bullets. We are all covered in bruises.

 

Got back at about midnight.

 

One of the Dreads decided to get Cog-Brother Simonium Fisk of the First Company to replace one of its claws with a projector. Spent until morning watching a film called “Tech-Magus Frankenstyn”.

 

Day 35

 

Breakfast was honey (from the hives in the orchard) and bread and arsenic. Lots of arsenic.

 

Learned that the planet we will be going to tomorrow will have extremely high concentrations of sulphur. REALY high. Pictures show a yellow and browny yellow landscape. Entire Company painting armour various shades of yellow.

 

Looked at the atmospheric data. Taking the Osmotic Gill. Painted it yellow.

 

Learnt that two of the Dreads are coming. Dread Gertrude and Dread Waylum. As they don’t breath they should be fine.

 

Day 36

 

Breakfast today was Toast sprinkled with Sarin. Chapter Master Sternist really believes in this poison adaptation idea.

 

Was very ill after breakfast. Too much Sarin. Tasted nice enough on the way down, but not on the way up.

 

Nobody else was ill. Must be getting old. Feel depressed. Going to look at photo-album again.

 

Ship arrived after dinner. Looks like an Adeptus Mechanicus owned one. Very posh.

 

Went to play cards with the dreads.

 

Day 37

 

The ship is mind-numbingly boring. But on the positive side the Black Tempelars wont be picked up till tomorrow.

 

Todays meal was an Adeptus Mechanicus special. Which meant it came out of a tube. I dislike synthesized food. The only things that should come in tubes are glue and toothpaste.

 

Can hear tapping and chittering sounds coming from under the deck plates. I think we have Hrud stowaways on board. One of the nicer xeno species at any rate. The worst they ever do is knick your sandwiches if you leave your lunch box open.

 

Day 38

 

Dropped out of the warp briefly to pick up the Black Tempelars. They’ve been ork bashing on an agri-world.

 

Don’t like the looks those Tempelars are giving us.

 

Dinner was a tube of something purple that tasted of roast Pike. Don’t trust it, didn’t eat it.

 

An incident broke out in the mess just after dinner. Apparently the Tempelars started throwing things at Brother Jepish ‘Bear’ Skog. Brother Bear, as we call him, had an unfortunate reaction to the Black Carapace and now suffers form lots of hair growth. The fangs that all our chapter share make him look like a big blonde bear. He also had his vocal cords and lyrix ripped out by the Dark Eldar, poor sod.

 

This is why I don’t like the Tempelars, any variation from the norm and its ‘Kill and purge, kill and purge...’ nearly all the Lore Guard suffer one slight oddity or another. The Fangs for instance. Many suffer from having black on black eyes (like sun glasses under the skin) and very few suffer from looking like a bear.

 

They started on Librarian Gvon for being a psyker. The only reason this has not gone, as the orks would say, WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!! Is because they out number us 3 to 1.

 

Day 39

 

Snuck into the high security storage area early this morning (as if that word even applies in space), with the help of Tech-Priest Kwith. Big battle banner all in gold and black with the words ‘Burn The Unclean’ in purest white. It now reads ‘Wash The Unclean’.

 

The Black Retards have just seen their new banner. You should have seen their faces. Apparently it was a holy relic once belonging to the First Chapter Master or whatever title they give him.

 

If I can get away with it I’m going to paint all terminator armour pink. Just have to find some red paint. But that’s the thing about being on a Cog-head ship; they are obsessed with the colour red. Think it’s the colour of an important forge world or something.

 

Spent the rest of the day playing cards with the Dreads. They have started telling light bulb jokes as they play cards now.

 

How many Cog-heads does it take to change a lamp wick?

 

Oh no, they’ve forgotten how to make light bulbs again.

 

How many Imperial Guard troopers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one. Basic training. Reloading a lass-gun.

 

How many Tyranids does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None, they just ate the person trying to change it.

 

How many Slaanashii cultists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

Two. But how did they get in the light bulb?

 

How many Emperors of all mankind does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one. And it shall be so bright that you can use it to navigate the warp by.

 

Day 40

 

Got sick of the jokes. Went wandering. Ship is huge.

 

Started hearing the clicky chittering sound again. Really freaky.

 

Wandered into part of the ship where the lights are spaced further apart. Gloomy with many shadows that dance and swirl as the source of light moves

 

Some move when the light is still.

 

Day 41

 

Dreads have now moved on to the knock, knock jokes;

 

Knock, Knock.

 

Who’s there?

 

Inquisitor of the Ordo Heriticus.

 

Inquisitor of the Ordo Heriticus who?

 

Anything you say or do will mean nothing all records of your existence will be erased and you will be executed!

 

I get the feeling that neither of them likes the Inquisition much.

 

Heard that we will get to the war zone before the Great Devourer. But only just.

 

Found some red paint and a spare drum of cooler for the plasma reactor. Mixed them together and they are fluorescent pink.

 

Used the maintenance shaft and a length of rope to get to the Terminator armour. Under heavy lock and key. Had to paint whilst hanging from the ceiling.

 

Day 42

 

There is something out there in the warp trying to get in. We can hear it whispering to us in our sleep.

 

There is something in here with us, in the shadows. We hear it when we are awake. I hope it’s just the Hrud. If its not we are in big trouble.

 

It’s getting louder, like things hammering on the shuttered windows. The Dreads have stopped playing cards (its that serious!). They stand ready to strike.

 

The Geller field is really taking a beating. We dare not open a window shutter to see what is going on outside. That would be really stupid.

 

Day 43

 

The Black Retards have just found their bright pink armour. They blamed it on warp beasts.

 

Spent the day polishing the sniper rifle. Captain Zakaris has given the orders that the sniper squads are to find high ground and try to take out the synapse creatures.

 

Dinner was a sort of protein rich chewy bar. Looked horrible and tasted worse, left most of it.

 

Found a way of patching music into the comm. System. Now that’s good.

 

It’s nearly midnight (back home its nearly midnight, I should say) we will be going down in a few hours.

 

Day 44

 

We landed just as soon as day broke near the entrance to a really big building. Looks like a space elevator. (What you do is you get a big space rock stick it in geo-synchronous orbit and build a lift from the surface to the rock. The rock can then be used as a building platform for a spaceport)

 

Climbed up the main building some distance. Apparently the Astro-seers predict that the Roaches will hit the ground here. The Spaceport also acts as the main entrance to the underground inhabited tunnel complex.

 

Got stocked up on ammo. Really big pile of bullets.

 

Planet is not as dead as it looks. Some sort of local xeno plant life has evolved. Everything grows yellow or browny-yellow because of the high concentrations of sulphur.

 

Entire planet stinks of an eggy fart. Brimstone everywhere.

 

Day 45

 

The sky almost had the sun blotted out. They are making planet fall. The meagre planetary defences are being overrun.

 

Started playing music over headphones. Ancient song from Cadia; Smite The Fallen Deamon.

 

The tide of abominations seems unending. Our 2nd Company Terminators are like islands in the see of horror. So many targets.

 

The Dreads are SERIOUSELY making their presence felt. I just saw Dread Gertrude tackle a Carnifex.

 

This will be all day of a job.

 

Day 46

 

Nearly ran out of bullets, thankfully a member of the PDF (Planetary Defence Force) came and gave me a whole box full. Poor sod looks like he is no more than 14. This is not how the Imperium should be.

 

The Terminators and Tactical Squad are getting swamped. On the plus side the Bugs now have to run up hill.

 

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Just got a barbed scythe like forelimb nearly slice my left leg clean off. One of the big bat-like ones. Knifed its head off.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t have been listening to music.

 

Stopped bleeding. Can walk, hobble, and if need be I can still perform a lurchy run.

 

Day 47

 

Saw a load of multi-limbed abominations trying to run up the stairs to my position. Thank goodness for caltrops and steep stairs.

 

I really hate Zeothropes. Mastery of the warp as an intrinsic genetic factor. You have to wait till one of them is busy with someone else and distracted before you can put a bullet through its big head.

 

On the positive side killing a Zenothrope seems to make the other Bugs falter for a very short while.

 

Leg is itchy. Think its infected or something.

 

Must be some hell of an infection if it can beat the Astrates immune system.

 

Day 48

 

Can barely see the ground. Everything is just a sea of corpses. Theirs and ours. The number of Nids was far greater than the amount that we were told. If we had been given accurate information we would have taken the 1st, 3rd and 4th Company’s as well.

 

Am running out of ammo again.

 

Run out of ammo. Chucking grenades over the wall.

 

Run out of grenades. Got two knives. Whilst I can still stand I will not cower in safety, I will meat the enemy in a blaze of glory and Death.

 

Day 49

 

Day 50

 

Its over.

 

Slept amongst the corpses for a while. Got up. Went to Apocrathy Dvis to have the leg looked at. He says my body will probably kill the infection eventually. Got stitches. Quite a large chunk of flesh was hanging off.

 

Went to dinner. Was Carnifex stake. Tasted better than it looked, but not by much.

 

32 of our Company are missing. They could just be buried under corpses. Now starts the horrible job of body sorting. Anything that looks like one of ours is to be sent to the Apocrathy for identification. There is a chance that they will be OK when we find them. Probably a vain hope, but its the only sort their is at the moment.

 

Dread Gertrude and Dread Waylum survived, barely. Both need considerable repair work.

 

Day 51

 

IT’S A MIRACLE. We lost no one. What are the odds? After all night of searching we found all of our friends buried under the corpses.

 

Apocrathy’s say some of them are in a dangerous state, many have been poisoned with xeno poison of unknown type. 16 are in comas. It is unknown weather they will ever awaken or not.

 

The Apocrathy’s have started to place bets on who they think will wake up first.

 

Just received message that a Dark Eldar raid is starting on the only habitable planet in the system of the other star in this binary system.

 

Those that could boarded ship immediately. We left the sleeping in the care of the locals.

 

Day 52

 

Trip took slightly over a minuet. Less than three light year distance.

 

Took the drop pod to the surface. Took the bikes with us. Managed to get hold of a power sword.

 

Day 53

 

Chased the Dark Eldar into the web-way. Doh! Really stupid idea. Can’t find my way out now. It’s like being lost in a maze of tunnels.

 

Glad that I brought the bike. Covered a lot of distance. Must be an exit somewhere.

 

Picking up strange static on the radio. Switched it off. Sounded like the whole universe laughing at me.

 

Sometimes I see things out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn around they are not there. This means that I am either seeing things that aren’t there, things that are only half in reality or something is tracking me less than 2 strides behind me and can move EXTREMELY quick.

 

The tunnels seem to be made of a plastic-like substance of varying hues, slightly warm to the touch.

 

Not sure where the light is coming from. But I can see.

 

Day 54

 

In my long, long life I have seen things that people were never meant to see. I have seen the hearts of stars and the colds of space. I have seen abominations of the warp and the beauty that is an unspoilt world, precious like a perfect fragile gem. But I have never seen anything like this place. It is just too indescribable. I don’t know the words to describe it. I don’t think any human does. I wish I had my camera.

 

As I came along that tunnel it was in a long curved path to the right, like a big scythe blade. As I look back it goes of in the other direction. This place is not playing to the usual rules.

 

I am extremely grateful this bike is powered by a micro-fission reactor and not some easily exhaustible fuel.

 

Day 55

 

I am starting to get a little hungry.

 

I think I can hear something sniggering just on the edge of hearing. Or maybe it is something really close but quiet. This place is creepy. I have gone against the hordes of the warp, I have been hunted by a gene-stealer cult and I have faced the horror of the Necrons wearing the still wet skins of their last victims and I say nothing is as freaky as this place.

 

I am sure something is following me. I don’t want to meat it. I dare not ride any faster in case of sudden corners.

 

What ever it is that is following me it is gaining on me. I do not know how I know this but I do. I don’t want it to find me, not in this place.

 

I am not going to sleep tonight. I wouldn’t be able to if I tried.

 

Day 56

 

What ever it is it’s almost on top of me. I can almost see it when I turn around. It skitters away out of the corner of my eyes. No matter which way I turn there is always a ‘behind me’ that I cannot see.

 

Have started going faster, much faster. Distance seems to be a not entirely stable concept in this twisted place.

 

Wish I had painted the bike red and not brown and green leafy patterns. After all, Red Ones Go Faster.

 

It’s almost reached me. I can all but hear its heart beat it is that close. I can hear its raspy breath and its slow but determined foot falls behind me. The bike cannot go faster and it is keeping pace with me at the speed of a gentle walk. I hate this twisted strange place.

 

I will not be weak I will not prey to the machine spirit of the bike to go faster (I’m not gullible to believe in such things), I will not pray to the Emperor for such help as he cant give, I’ve read (and made) history and I share the view of the chapter that if the Emperor was a god why would he depend on a machine for survival. I wish I had something to pray to. I am alone, utterly alone.

 

It has found me.

 

Day 57

 

Day 58

 

Day 59

[Skirax]

Ok, a little out of fluff-sync. A scout that's 1200 years old? I'm sorry, but the oldest marine is the Blood Angels chapter master at just over 1000. The only living loyalist member of the Horus Heresy, bar the Emperor himself, is Bjorn. Marines can't get drunk. Scouts don't wear helmets, and it's Khorne. So much more wrong with it, it will give me a headache.

[soddinnutter]

Day 60

 

Day 61

 

My feet hurt, may arms hurt, and my everything hurts. Turns out it was the Dark Eldar that were following me. They trashed my bike and tied me up and tied the end of the rope to their bikes. This is the first time I have had time to breath. They seem to be arguing about which way to go.

 

They stole my Power Sword. How mean was that.

 

Managed to injure one of them. Told one of them they had a spider on their shoulder. He tried to swat it. His clothing is covered in blades. It was very funny. Was trying to get him to slit his own wrists.

 

Looks like were moving again. Damn.

 

Day 62

 

Suspect that I am being taken to there dark nexus in the webway. What do you call it? Damn forgotten it really long hard to say name again. Really think I should escape before that happens.

 

They are stopping more often now. Maybe they are lost?

 

Can anyone else hear that horrible laughing sound?

 

Day 63

 

We have not doubled back on our selves but I see here the wreckage of my bike.

 

Now we have doubled back on our selves.

 

Have thought of a way to escape! Regrettably it means waiting until they are all asleep and kicking their heads in. It works for orks, why not for me.

 

Now I know they can hear the laughing sound. More of a snigger. They look scared.

 

Day 64

 

Ambushed by a load of clowns, with weapons. WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH THIS PLACE AND WEIRD STUFF?

 

I am now the prisoner of a load of clowns.

 

They have cut my bonds, so I can probably run away. The question is where to? I should probably follow the psycho clowns. Even these weird things have to eat, and the last thing I ate was a Carnifex steak. Seems a lifetime ago.

 

Got my Power Sword back. Don’t want to have to pay for a new one if I get back.

 

They have not tried to talk to me yet but have not hindered my following them.

 

They seem to be laughing along to something only they can hear

 

Day 65

 

Does no one in this sodding place sleep? If I get back I’m going to sleep for a week.

 

Remember seeing things that look like these in an ancient book in the fortress library, back in the days when I still had some of my original skin. Must be nearly a thousand years ago. I feel old.

 

The leader is a really sinister looking thing. All in monochrome, and that mask. Very disturbing for a mask.

 

Day 66

 

Fell asleep. Don’t know why, I can go for months without sleep if I have to, but this place sort of plays on your mind. When I woke up the deranged clowns had gone.

 

Decided to test something today. Removed pommel from Power Sword and threw it as far ass possible down one of the tunnels. Five minuets later it hit me in the back of the head. I really hate this place.

 

Can hear something laughing at me. Tried to put the comm. system on for a bit of music, all I got was static. There was something under the static whispering to me

 

Switched comm. off.

 

Day 67

 

I would kill for a glass of water.

 

There are supposed to be doorways to the webway all over the place, right? All them Craftworlds and Crone Worlds and Maiden Worlds and Exodite Worlds. So the question is; why the sodding hell can’t I find one?

 

Feet are getting tired of all this walking.

 

Day 68

 

Yey! I found a way out. The webway is in the shallows of the warp. The warp is reactive to thought. Close eyes and step in a direction that you cannot see. It makes as much sense as anything else.

 

Not sure where I am. Grass is a nice shade of green; sky is a nice shade of blue, sun is a nice yellowy colour. Gravity is a bit higher than home. Major difference; planet has rings I can see pale against the horizon.

 

Am watching out for anything dangerous. Last thing I need is to get stuck by a bloody Spiker. If that happens I’m cutting my own head off.

 

Wondering if it is a Maiden World. Hope it is not. If it is then it is unlikely that any Imperial ship will visit it.

 

Nighttime is approaching. Going to risk sleeping.

 

BY THE GOLDEN TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING, IT JUST CAN’T BE HAPPENING!!!

 

Ok, I’ve calmed down a bit. I looked up at the sky to see if I recognized any of the stars. The sky looks straight into the warp! I see it with my waking eyes! I’m standing on a world next to the Ocular Terreblis, the Eye of Terror itself. It’s like Cadia but without the formers mysterious Pylons for warp protection. I feel a pressing urge to get off this planet before something really, really, REALLY bad happens to me.

 

Day 69

 

Being this close to the Eye of Terror probably rules out any Exodites. Apart from that it looks just the sort of world they would like. One seemingly endless beautiful forest with some sort of oak like trees and flowers that look like celandine and dog rose. If I was ever allowed to have my time again I would spend it here, were it not for that horror in the night’s sky.

 

Still hungry. Very hungry. Not going to risk eating the local plant life just yet.

 

Have not seen any animals bigger than a vole. Not eating vole. They would just get stuck in teeth.

 

Muscles starting to go all atrophied because Astrates biology contains no fat. Feel awful. Almost thinking of looking for the webway door and trying my chances on another planet.

 

Tried comm. system again. No signals. Can get music. That’s not too bad. Tried listening to ‘Soldier of Prandium.’ Now that’s depressing. Switched over to ‘Ornsworld Saga’ slightly better.

 

Maybe it’s not the Eye of Terror. It could be the Maelstrom. Doubt it.

 

It seems like forever since I left the fortress. I miss playing pranks on my battle-brothers. When I get back I’m going to fill Brother Bear’s power armour with shaving cream and glue a half empty can of shaving cream to a neophyte’s helmet. Just for the sheer hell of it.

 

Day 70

 

I gave in and ate some of the vegetation. Tasted like celery. Yuuuurrrk! Just so long as it has better nutritional value than taste.

 

Maybe I should have dragged one of the Dark Eldar corpses along as a snack. Hey, different species so its not acutely cannibalism.

 

Day 71

 

Can see large bird like things in the sky. Vicious looking sods. Like an eagle the size of a cow.

 

Thinking that maybe I should build a big pile of stones and hibernate under it. We practice the ‘deepest sleep’ at the fortress about once every hundred years. Usually spend a month asleep. We are woken by either having a syringe full of caffeine put in our veins or we get a kick in the stomach, depends if the apocrathy had a good day.

 

Wondering how long a marine can sleep for. Longest record time that does not involve the warp is about 350 years. Problem is you can’t wake up on your own. External stimulus is needed. How long would I sleep before I die? How long would it take for someone, anyone, to find me?

 

Day 72

 

Tried listening for any comm. signals again. Still nothing.

 

This world sort of reminds me of a nice sunny world where we had to go hunt down a gene-stealer cult. Ended up getting scalped on that mission. Pity that it isn’t that world. From that world I could have got home

 

I still can’t understand how there are no people on this world. Yes it’s next to the Eye of Terror but so what. People live in all sorts of stupid places, there has to be someone else here. Hopefully someone who knows an astropath.

 

Climbed a tall tree. Can see for miles and miles. Can see a mountain in the distance. Got nothing better to do, going to climb it.

 

Day 73

 

Set of walking as soon as the sun rose. Dug a hole and buried myself in leaves for a bed, in much the same manner of the ogyrns of Kruthgrut.

 

Ate some more vegetation. This time I tried some of the celandine looking plants. Tasted a bit better than the other plant stuff, but not much. Oh for a nice chunk of meat, dripping in gravy with some roast spuds.

 

About halfway to the mountain.

 

Walked along the side of a big pond. I think I have just found the inhabitants of this world; Loxatl. Met these bloody fish sticks before I was an Astrates. A Blood Pact army was ravaging Kargotha and these abominations were fighting along with them, I was in the PDF at the time an let me tell you, its no fun being knifed in the guts by a sadistic fish.

 

It’s so tempting just to dive in there and rip them to shreds with my bare hands. Then I would just have to start a fire and I could have some roast fish. Hey, different species again. Besides, I’ve seen them gnawing on human bones. ‘Do unto others before they do unto you’. Very old saying.

 

Day 74

 

Am having a thought. If these are the forces of Chaos then a ship must come to pick up new recruits to fight in the Bloodpact army, in much the same way that the Imperial Guard get drafted and dragged across half the galaxy. All I have to do is wait for a ship to arrive and some how get on board.

 

Wonder how long it will be until a ship visits.

 

Maybe the xenos use the webway to visit a Crone World and get a ship from there.

 

Day 75

 

Still no sign of a ship. I have given up the idea of climbing the mountain; I will watch the xenos and see if a ship ever lands.

 

Everything on this planet tastes foul. If it is not on the charts already I’m going to name the planet ‘Celery’.

 

Day 76

 

Thrown stones in the lake for a laugh.

 

They threw the stones back, ow.

 

Day 77

 

It’s raining again.

 

Suddenly realized I am standing under a tree in wet adamantine armour. Took armour of for duration of storm.

 

Day 78

 

Still raining.

 

Comm. system got wet. No more music.

 

Very rainy.

 

Its like the sea is trying to re-take the land by airdrop.

 

Day 79

 

Something is happening by the lake on the beach. Oh I don’t like the look of this. Am getting the tingly ‘someone is screwing with the warp’ feeling.

 

The sand on the beach has burnt and fused to form some patterns that look weird and unpleasant. Its not that they move when you look away from them its that they look like they might be about to.

 

Now this has gone beyond weird and into the realms of wyrd, which is much weirder.

 

Don’t like looking at the patch of ground in the middle of the symbols, it makes the eyes hurt. Reality must be getting really runny in the middle of all that.

 

No ship will visit this place. They’re using a warp hole as transportation. Damn but that’s stupid. It’s worse than telleporter technology. The question is now, ‘should I jump through a piece of xeno tech that’s millions of years old into a maze where thing laugh at you as you get lost, or should I jump through a hole in reality and land in the middle of an alien horde on a Chaos infested world?’

 

I’m going to jump through the wobbly reality hole. Chances are I won’t be forced to starve to death whilst listening to some sniggering retard.

 

Day 80

 

Right into a battlefield. Being shot at by both sides. One thinks I’m a heretic the other thinks I’m dinner.

 

I’m in what looks like a town square under an overturned tank. I can hear a great deal of gunfire. I have a power sword. Going to charge the xenos and Traitor Guard firing from behind the chunk of ferro-crete over there.

 

Day 81

 

Day 82

 

Day 83

 

I now have the Primarch of all headaches. On the positive side I’m still alive. Hooray for me! Took out 32 Traitor humans, 8 xeno things, 3 what looked very much looked like Dark Mechanicus and then got knocked three ways from Sunday by a big warp spawned monstrosity with big teeth and claws and wings and horns and a hammer the size of... of... of a really big hammer.

 

I am now in a small room with a shelf in the corner to sleep on that is too small, a window that is too small to climb out of and a really thick door with a really big lock. That’s gratitude for you.

 

Someone came in just after what I assume was midday today. They were dressed like a Hangman (commissar) and tried to intimidate me. He was 5’ 11” I’m 7’ 8”. I’ve not been shouted at by a Hangman for the better part 1200 years and its not happening now. Hangman now has a broken nose. The nose is one of those body parts that is so easily breakable but poses no serious threat of fatality.

 

Got some bread and water. It tastes better than the food on the planet ‘Celery’.

 

Day 84

 

Wonder what planet I’m on?

 

Can hear the guard talking outside. I can’t understand a word they are saying. I can speak Kargothan, Cadian, High Gothic and can just about get by in Catachan and Ornian. How many languages can there be?

 

The bars on my window look like they are made of iron. They are rusty but still an inch thick. Thank goodness for the Betchers Glands.

 

Day 85

 

I chewed my way out just in time for sunrise. Sun is white not yellow, don’t like it overly much.

 

This seems to be a military centre. I’m going to climb the watchtower for a nice view of what kind of land I’m on.

 

Who builds a watchtower 1000 foot tall? Now that’s just compensating for something. Views probably good from the top though.

 

Think I may be on an agri-world. In ever direction there is just a flowing sea of wheat, a shimmering golden sea. And a road. And I think I can see a small house a long way of.

 

This military base probably does for a market as well.

 

Got to go and se the leader of this base and see when the next ship out leaves. Much as I would like to stay and sunbathe the Chapter is probably holding my funeral by now.

 

Just realized I do not look particularly Astrates like. Everyone knows the Space Marines wears power armour and carries a bolter, or some such weapon. I don’t even have a power sword anymore. Going to find something hot to brand the sign of the aquilla on my forehead.

 

Found a blacksmiths shop. He has a vague grip on High Gothic, enough to let me borrow a length of iron and the fire for a while.

 

OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yep. That was excruciating. It was like being hit in the head by an Imperial Guard who can’t aim. OW, OW, OW!

 

Day 86

 

Going to what looks like the main office. Forehead healed up nicely. Nice double headed eagle stamp on the head now.

 

Walked passed the where the big abomination with the axe was, they still haven’t got rid of the overturned tank. Looks like a Lemon Russ. Very nice.

 

Main office looks like it was set on fire. What looks like a scarecrow in a lieutenant’s uniform runs this place. Says that the next ship is in three months (one month on this world being 20 days, how long a day is is impossible to say as they have no standard measurement shorter than a day.) Told them to wake me up when it gets here.

 

Managed to acquire space to sleep in the local inn. The corner of the attic with a blanket around me. Hopefully they wont forget I’m here.

 

 

 

Day 106

 

Was woken up in the universal manner of being kicked in the kidneys. Managed to stand up on the second attempt. Mouth tastes of fermented carpet.

 

I think that the ship is here.

 

Large crowd of people in the square. The Lemon Russ tank is still there, but it is now the right way up.

 

Trying to mingle with the crowd. This is not an easy task when you are more than a foot taller than everyone else, are made up of scar tissue and have fangs.

 

Crowd walking to ship. Going with the crowd.

 

Got shown to what look like the barracks. Got given a soup-bowl helmet and a las-rifle. CRAP! I have this horrible feeling that I may have been drafted. This should so not happen to an Astrates.

 

Really, really, REALLY wish I had not followed those pointy-eared sado-hedonists into the webway.

 

Everyone thinks I’m some sort of a half-ogyrn.

 

Day 107

 

After being shouted at by the Hangman to wake up we were given a very brief briefing. We are currently on route to the far galactic west for some chaos bashing. Hope the Traitor Astrates don’t turn up for this one. You really can’t do much to power armour with a glorified torch unless it’s at point blank range, and if you are that close the one thing you can rely on is the occupant of that armour beating you to death with your own spine.

 

Got given a flack vest (who am I kidding, its a T-shirt) with XXXXL written on it. It’s going under the scout armour.

 

Tried to get a bit more info on the Chaos from the Hangman. Got shouted at and told not to ask pointless and heretical questions. Got told to read the instruction manual on the las-weapon. Have now mastered this weapon. Point the narrow end at someone you don’t like and pull the trigger. But if you actually want to hurt someone with it your best bet is to use it as a club.

 

Day 108

 

Snuck into the kitchen this morning (that is, what my body is telling me morning is). Got three big mean looking knives and long length of cheese wire.

 

Borrowed someone else’s las-gun for a while. Used it as a welding torch. My las-rifle now has a bayonet. Found a supply room and ‘acquired’ some long screws. Melted four of them together to make caltrops.

 

Dinner was soup and bread. Not sure what was in the soup. Its one of them thing that life is so full of. If you are going to ask what is in it then you aren’t hungry enough to actually want to eat it when you find out.

 

Still have no idea where we are acutely going. Knowing my luck we’ve probably been sent to Angron’s welcome back party on Armageddon. Decided to ask the Hangman again. Got shouted at again.

 

Day 109

 

The rest of the regiment has seen the bayonet thing I did. The kitchens are now devoid of large knives and various other things like meat cleavers. Everyone has spent the day fixing knives and pointy objects to their guns. I swear I saw one idiot with a spoon on his gun, I don’t think that would do much even if he sharpened it.

 

Boring! So mind numbingly bored. Going to wander the ship.

 

Found where they keep the tacks. And the paint.

 

Painted the Lemon Russ in garish colours with the word ‘Pimp mobile’ on the side.

 

Day 110

 

Wrote on the side of another vehicle ‘My Other Ride Is Your Sister!’

 

Oooooooh, shiny Baneblade. Now has, in bright electric blue, the words ‘The Owner Of This Vehicle Is Compensating For His Tiny Weapon’

 

Dinner was some sort of broth. Didn’t taste to bad.

 

The Engineseer took one look at the tanks and started mumbling about angered machine-spirits.

 

Decided to ask one of the ships crew where it is we are going. She did not know.

 

The Hangman found out that I asked where it is we were going. Tried to make an example of me in front of the regiment. Regrettably punching a Space Marine in the jawbone, knuckle duster’s or not, is only going to lead to broken knuckles.

 

Day 111

 

Commissar woke us all up with the tradition of shouting insults. Why? What could the point possibly be with the shouting?

 

Found where one shift of the maintenance crew relaxes. Found my pack of cards were still in my pocket. I got beat by everyone.

 

For dinner I had the Commissar hit me across the face with an electric whip because I have not turned up to any training at all in any way shape or form. Caught the whip on the second attempt and slowly and deliberately tore it in half whilst glaring at him. I think he got the point.

 

Everyone is staying at a distance from me. They seem to think the Commissar will try and shoot me next.

 

Crawled under the deck plates to sleep. Not so stupid as to give the Hangman a sleeping target.

 

Day112

 

I wonder how the Chapter is doing without me. I miss them all.

 

Etched my name on the wall in venom. No real reason why.

 

Went to look at the plasma reactor. Damn that thing’s huge.

 

Dinner was quarn and soup.

 

I have decided to go and see the navigator today. If anyone on this boat knows where we are going it’s hopefully him.

 

Wandering in the direction that I hope is frontwards and upwards.

 

Day 113

 

Still wandering

 

This ship is really big.

 

Found the navigator at about dinnertime. Encountered a slight problem. For a member of the Navis Nobilite to navigate the warp they have to be able to see and feel it around them and to do this they have to be in physical (if that word can ever apply) with the warp. Essentially I can see him through a window in the door into a room that is totally unprotected by the geller field. There is some really weird stuff going on in there. There appear to be two sort of squidy looking things arranging the furniture into a sort of triangular shape with 5 right angles in it.

 

Whoaw! This is fun to watch. I am now looking at a circle where pi is exactly 3 and a square looking thing with 4 sides and 8 corners.

 

I can also see a shoal of translucent fish dragonfly basking shark looking things fly/swim past.

 

Day 114

 

This is begging to get like that time I drank that mug of mercury for a bet.

 

I wonder how the navi can concentrate on where we are going with all this stuff going on. But he just sits there in the middle of it all like it is normal to him. Maybe they see stuff like this all the time with that third eye of theirs.

 

I wonder where the geller field actually ends. Because I really hope it stops just that side of the door and not this side of the door because if it stops this side then I have to ask the question ‘how far this side?’ I now have the feeling that I have just been juggling match in a munitions store.

 

I am going to back away from the door now, very carefully.

 

Wandering back to the barracks now.

 

Day 115

 

I am seriously wondering what the official classifications of human the Cog-heads use are. Nothing human can survive naked in the warp, but the Navis Nobilite can. Species are in part defined by if they can produce viable offspring with the pure strain of the species in question. Ogyrn and ratlings, to name but a few, are considered human (if sub-human by many) for this fact. The Navis are incapable of this because any child that is born of a union between human and navis lacks all the defining navis features.

 

Now I am having serious doubts about myself. Astrates can never be fathers, or if we can its never been recorded to happen. We have two hearts three kidneys and three lungs. We are venomous and can hibernate for centuries at a time. We have had so much biological tampering and twisting and altering that maybe the ‘human’ is just engineered out of us. We are the sworn defenders of humanity, apart but not a part. We are not human, we are Astrates.

 

Arrived back at the barracks just in time to be shouted at to wake up by the Leach.

 

Day 116

 

The Hangman noticed the alterations to the official gear this morning at inspection. Tried to make an example of one of the smaller soldiers (poor sod doesn’t even look fifteen yet, and she is soon to die by all probability). Regrettably for the hangman he tried the shotgun method of exemplifying. He seemed quiet surprised at how fast I can move.

 

I now have a shotgun wound to the gut and the commissars augmented arm as a trophy. He can have it back if he wants to ask for it.

 

Day 117

 

Dragged my sleeping mat into the crawl space under the deck plates. If I’m going to sleep in awful conditions I may as well be comfortable doing so.

 

Arrived at the planet this morning. Well it was morning when we were on the ship, its now dusk here. The air is poisonous and the red sun goes across the sky the wrong way. Our job here is to defend the orbital defence facilities co-ordination relay fortress (its underground, we are defending the door) from traitor marines and the blood pact army, oh joy. Even I feel the bitter chill of the wind here; I pity the humans how cold they must feel.

 

Satellite surveillance shows the chaos freaks to be moving southward to our position. I saw the pict print out. Many of the blood pact are on bikes.

 

Strung the cheese wire between two rocks at about neck height. Cheese wire, the bane of the speed freaks.

 

Day 118

 

The commissar is going to get us all killed. I am genuinely surprised at his total incompetence. He is so far out of his depth the fish have lights on their heads. He is having us dig a trench and then sit in it and run over the top of the trench just as they attack. I totally agree with the digging a lot of trenches. Anything that can stop those bikes is good. Just not the rest of his suicidal plan.

 

Dinner today was field rations. This is one thing I do not understand. The Imperium has been the ruler of nearly all human held worlds for the past 10,000 years, give or take a few years, and in all that time a decent tasting field ration has never been invented? I gave all my rations to the nearest trooper. I can go for weeks without food or water if I have to, they should at least have a good last meal.

 

Can see something on the horizon. A great column of dust and snow and steam.

 

Voiced my objections to the strategy we are going to use. Got shouted at. Shouted back. He tried to cut my head of with a power sabre. I caved his head in with his own arm I was carrying. I now have a shiny sword.

 

I am taking charge now. No one objected.

 

The trenched were abandond and lots of decoys were placed in the trenches. Spare helmets on poles and scarecrows wearing spare clothing and such. More trenches have been dug as an anti-vehicle measure.

 

Everyone is hiding behind wreckage, rocks and boxes. I personally am hiding under the snow. As soon as these bikers from hell are on top of me I am going to rise out of the middle of them and cut a few down.

 

Day 119.

 

They attacked in the dead of night, just after what passes for midnight here. I think they were trying to get the cover of darkness thing going but the southern lights here are very bright. They are pretty to watch.

 

The light now reflects of red stained ground. Nearly all their blood I hasten to add.

 

The cheese wire thing worked well, beheaded three cleanly and garrotted one when it snapped.

 

Got a hole put through the fleshy part of my arm by friendly fire and my nose re-broken when the first bike went over me..

 

Day120

 

These were just the scouts, there to spook us and soften us up. The slower artillery and ballistic weapons will be arriving depressingly soon. In total we lost 15 of our number, and while that is still awful and to be mourned, it could have been much worse.

 

We are now a bit better equipped. No Imperial Guard worth their salt is above doing a yarrick.

 

Discovered that most of the blood pacts blood red jackets are in fact dyed. I feel slightly disappointed at that.

 

Everyone is now wearing blood pact flack jackets under there own to keep out the chill and, of course, bullets.

 

Have had another idea. Me and some of the lads are going to get the bikes that still work, dress up like the traitors and ride at the bikes to them, than start shooting.

 

I really miss the rest of my company now. If I was with them we would have just painted the armour white got some scanner jammers and crawled up to them and then hit them with something heavy, like their own ripped of leg.

 

Day 121

 

We found the artillery early this morning. It was a slaughterhouse before we got there.

 

Found why. It’s only the 1st company of the sodding Lore Guard. Hooray I’m going home!

 

Cog-Brother Simonium Fisk is one of the marines present. Looks like it was the Iron Warriors who were trying to knock on the door with these lovely big guns of theirs.

 

Cog-Brother Simonium Fisk is, at this moment in time, stripping all the ornamentation and paint of the traitors armour. We aren’t above doing a yarrick either. Besides power armour is expensive.

 

Shuttle leaves at dusk. I feel glad to be going home.

 

Day122

 

The ship we are going on is ours, the Sharp Blade. Taking into account how the ship Unbreakable Shield got broken last century it’s also our only ship. It’s just about big enough to carry the entire Chapter if we are prepared to share rooms and sleep in the corridors and not take the armour of to save oxygen.

 

One of the dreads came along. He is in the storage bay. Going to see if he is OK.

 

Its Dread Strappel AKA The Tin Man, the oldest dread in the entire Chapter. Counting the time he spent with the Raven Guard he is about 8,000ish.

 

Going to play chess with the dread, you need at least three for a decent game of cards.

 

Day 123

 

I am yet to win a game. Who ever he was in life he has lost none of his chess skills in death.

 

I would never want to be entombed in the sarcophagus of a dread. I love life too much; the sensory deprivation would drive me mad.

 

Strappel says that being in a dread is like being in that state of mind when you are just waking up and you wish to just stay asleep. Except in battle when it feels like you have just been given caffeine on an I.V. drip.

 

Asked (probably for the 20,000th time) if he has any idea which of the Legion Astrates we descended from. Got told that he has no idea because he was probably working for the Raven Guard at the time of founding and, and I quote “Ifen you younglings are not wont to be writing down your legacy that’s your choice entirely, just don’t be crying to me when your history slips away.’

 

Day 124

 

Found a Krone Berserker helmet in the storage bay salvaged from the chaos bashing. Decided it would be fun to wake everyone up by sneaking up to them and shouting at the top of my voice ‘BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!’ I swear some of them had a heart attack in on of their hearts.

 

Got told to repaint The Tin Man in leafy green and brown colour paint.

 

Strapple says the he use to do the Krone Helmet joke with his battle brothers when he was alive.

 

Day 125

 

Finished painting the last leaf on the dread. A proper oak and ash forest pattern. Hey, there is such a thing as a job well done.

 

Told Cog-Brother Fisk about what happened after I recklessly charged into the web-way. A full report is being written up.

 

Got billed for the cost of a new sniper rifle, a new bike, and a new power sword. As I am still paying of my debts for the death of the secondary geller field to this ship from last time I was on it (I got pissed and pissed on it) its not really an issue until I actually have some money.

 

They will probably be surprised to see me when I get back. Apparently the entire chapter, except the 5th, 7th and 9th who were out, had a big party with cake and beer and everyone got legless. A proper funeral.

 

The comm. system in my helmet is ruined. Have to pay for that as well.

 

I’m going to play chess with the dread before I have to pay for anything else.

 

Day 126

 

Board. Tried playing Snap with The Tin Man. Hand got flattened, repeatedly.

 

Board, Board, Board, Board, BOARD.

 

Not even the planet Celery was this bad.

 

Decided to practice fighting with power claws with the scouts of the 1st company. Got beaten a lot. By The Throne I hate space travel!

 

Day 127

 

This is mind numbingly dull.

 

There must be a Chaos god of dull. I bet this is its doing.

 

If I had known it was going to be this boring I would have brought a book to read.

 

Day 128

 

Hooray, were home. It feels so good to see home again.

 

Got told of by Chapter Master Sternist for chasing xenos into the web-way. His exact words were ‘that the sort of crazy fool thing White Scars do. I would have expected better of one us.’

 

Checked my room to make sure no one had nicked my stuff. Its just how I left it; a mess.

 

Apocrathy Dvis says that neophyte Wrothworth Jerrek is going to be given gene-seed that was spawned from Heth who was spawned from Gorret who was spawned from ‘no hands’ Kallagas who was spawned from Andrew who was spawned from David who was spawned from Salathiel who was spawned from Frnkintus who was spawned from me.

 

I wonder how many marines in the chapter are descended from me? I wonder how long, given the abnormally slow rate of gene-seed generation, it will take us to have enough to create another chapter? Probably a very long time.

 

Today’s meal was hedge clippings and brown sauce. It was a yew hedge so it was poisonous.

 

Day 129

 

The chapter astropath says that Yveld, an informant who lives on the largest moon of the nearest gas giant, Skagii in the orbit of Bragii, has reason to believe that there is a gene-stealer cult.

 

Yveld is, or rather was, a tech-priest. He is possibly the oldest tech-priest in the universe. He has achieved this worthwhile age by gradually replacing every organic component. This includes the brain. We are unsure of how he did that. He spends all his time hiding from the Adeptus Mechanicus because they found him guilty of dissecting xeno-tech with intent to learn and being of the Courtswainian sect. He builds power armour for us now for the protection we offer. It’s a big galaxy, the cog-heads cant see absolutely everywhere.

 

I dislike gene-stealer cults. The parents of the original members are un-aware of the horror that as been spawned by their tampered genes. Its so sad, because you know that the monster you have to kill was once loved by human parents. I have often been ill after such a burn and purge mission. In truth I do not hate the cult, I pity it the fate I must call down on it. It is the patriarch I hate. A species that perpetuates its self by beat has no excuse to exist.

 

Me and the scouts of the second company will depart tomorrow, first ship after daylight.

 

Painting clothing shades of grey and brown. Packing the new fancy camo-cloaks.

[WelshMullet]

Okay, he doesn't have a spell checker, and it doesn't have to fit with fluff, i think it's meant to be slightly comical.

I like it :cuss

[Terminatorinhell]

frankly.. I love it :) can I quote this bit in my sig?

"We buried the inquisitor and his henchmen in the orchard. We will say that he never arrived. The warp can be very treacherous at times.

[soddinnutter]

Day 130

 

Ship arrived just as dawn broke.

 

The story is that we are tourists from the planet Beowulf (the furthest planet out). The people from Beowulf are extreme isolationists. They are also very large. Stereotypically they also tie their hair into strings and tattoo their skin with blue spirals. Current fashion on Beowulf is chain mail

 

Sarge took his selection of needles onto the ship. And some blue ink.

 

I hate needles.

 

Day 131

 

We all look the part now. Sort of.

 

I have no hair. At one point or another I have lost every part of my skin; I’ve been scalped by Gene-stealers, lacerated by Dark Eldar, lost my eyebrows to a faulty plasma gun, set on fire by traitor marines with flamers and sliced by Necrons with knives in the place of good honest fingers. But I draw the line at wearing a bloody wig.

 

The story is that I worked in a munitions factory and one of the melta-bombs blew up when I was holding it.

 

We can’t take any heavy weapons with us to this. We might just be able to get away with pretending to be Wulfites but the sniper rifles will cause comment. I dislike not carrying a weapon; it feels like being only half dressed.

 

Can see Bragii out the window. Big yellow marble. Looks about the same size as my fist at arms length.

 

Day 132

 

Bragii is looking much closer now. For one thing it takes up a big fraction of the visible universe. The moon we are aiming for is a depressing little brown looking thing.

 

The moon has an atmosphere is largely composed of ammonia derivatives, carbon dioxide, and sulphur dioxide. And is cold enough to freeze a Marine solid.

 

We went to see Yveld as soon as we landed. He don’t half look like a Necron. Most tech priests look clunky, he looks streamlined. Still goes clank-clank when he walks and clunk when he sits down. He looks to be working on repairing a dead Dread we salvaged from a space hulk a couple of years back.

 

Got told that people have gone missing near the entrance of the lift shaft that goes to the geothermal plant, there has been a slight increase in the number and severity of mutation birth statistics and the astropaths are complaining of a slight static coming from the world (as opposed to outer-warp static). Also the people who work in the geo-plant complain of nightmares of hideous things coming to get them.

 

All the typical subtle signs of a stealer cult.

 

Day 133

 

We went to the lift that Yveld described. Its deep.

 

All worlds in the Kargotha system have to be self-sustaining by law. It’s in case of siege. Most environmentally hostile worlds are extremely easy to conquer by siege because they all require imported food. Food on Skagii is grown in huge caverns with the roof painted blue and white and the lights powered by the only eternal power source. Geo-thermal. All you need is a planet with enough gravity for it to get hot in the middle and you have eternal safe power if you can be bothered to dig down far enough to get it.

 

Regrettably this also means that you have a labyrinth of tunnels for people and things to hide in. It is rumoured that there are a dozen tribes of Hrud on every planet of this system.

 

Can smell something suspicious near this tunnel entrance.

 

Rest of squad want to go back and report it. Told them that we would be better finding something more than a smell to report. Got told to follow procedure. Told them No. Got told to stay here and monitor the cave. Waited till they had gone and ten went to look through the cave.

 

Following the smell. It is a not-quite-human smell. Don’t get me wrong I have smelt lots of humans and most follow a few basic shapes and colours of smell. Even ogyrn smell human and they are massive. Ratlings smell human, even the mutant beastmen smell human (they just produce enough smell for about 40 regular humans). Space Marines smell different, thus further removing us from humanity, and tech-priests tend to smell mechanical/human intertwined. I can tell people apart from smell alone and what ever this smell was made by was not entirely human and was not one of the sub-species that I have ever met before.

 

The air moves very little in these not-quite-abandoned tunnels, the smell could be weeks old.

 

It’s very dark. Using a bottle of phosphorescent rot as a torch. It contains the crusts from my pack lunch so it should be good for a couple of days

 

Day 134

 

I am not lost. No, really I mean it this time; all tunnels are quiet close to the lift shaft. I have seen it go up and down a number of times now as it transports people from the geo-plant miles below.

 

If I take this cult out single-handedly I will be a hero, if I die no one will know. And is it not written in the chapter approved book of proverbs; If failure is inevitable, fail spectacularly. Besides I am 1200 years old, I’ve already outlived everybody.

 

Can hear some shuffling coming from far below.

 

A ladder. I do not wish to climb down it. So far the downwardsness has been made by the tunnels sloping downwards. A ladder leads to severe vulnerabilities.

 

Ended up going down head first. I may only have a combat knife and two hellsream pistols I nicked from Yveld but I can drop a carnifex if I hit it in the nadgers.

 

No one there.

 

Despite the danger I am getting board.

 

Day 135

 

I have just remembered a joke:

 

How many kegs of fenrisian ale does it take to knock out a Space Wolf?

 

It depends on how hard you throw it.

 

That’s what you get listening to Dread jokes all day.

 

Not that I have anything against Space Wolves mind you. It’s just that they have no excuse for looking like a carpet in power armour in this age of readily available scissors. A quick trim does no one any harm.

 

Day 136

 

Can hear sounds of lots of shuffling from down stairs.

 

Lift went past. The updraft caused a gust of not-quite-human smell to waft upwards.

 

Smell getting more intense.

 

Even a normal man could hear them now. I think they are chanting. It certainly sounds like it. Sort of clicky and rythemy and hissy. There seem to be a large number of them, about 40 – 45.

 

Found another ladder. I think it must drop right into their nest/temple.

 

Looked down the hole in the floor. The ladder seems to turn into a rope ladder and descend 40 foot through open air. Anyone climbing down through that will get swissed by bullets.

 

And now the biggest problem. How to make sure they are all in.

 

Its one of the unfortunate things of the Gene-stealers. The patriarch infects a regular human by clonking them round the head and placing a small scale looking thing under the skin. The offspring are then tainted at a genetic level. The offspring are born grotesque and a travesty and crime against the purity of human flesh. Many have 4 arms and two layers of teeth. But the human instinct is to love your offspring so the parents look after it and it abandons them at the earliest opportunity and joins its true ‘father’. The wretched things progressively degenerate back into pure-strains with each passing generation and its damn hard to get all of them because if one of the original unknowing parents is left untreated or one of them escapes to spawn more of its foul kind. It may take a couple of centuries but they pop up again like they were never gone.

 

You see why I hate them now?

 

Day 137

 

I have a plan.

 

Went back to the lift and dropped a big rock on it as it went past. The shock made the safety’s kick in. Gave the lift guard strict instructions to give this note to the ‘metal man’ as Yveld is known here. It contains a password and a radio broad cast and a set of directions. The idea is the rest of the squad get here and cover all the exits. I will give them 10 hours. I am going to look for a safe place to hide in.

 

Decided to drop a load of melts-bombs and a plasma-cell (sarge talked with Yveld for a long time and I have deep pockets) all tied together.

 

After they hit the floor and detonate they should all come swarming in to see what the fuss is about.

 

This just leaves the problem of the exposed rope ladder. I now wonder if it can take the weight of a Space Marine wearing chain mail. Don’t want this one to go wrong because of a rope snapping, the 50 foot drop is survivable if I land on my feet but broken legs are less than fun.

 

It’s been about 10 hours by my watch. Pulled the ladder up, wrapping it round my waist. This way I still go down quick enough but hit the floor a less than neck breaking speed. The Larymans Ear implant should take care of the dizziness.

 

This has got to be the stupidest plan I have ever thought of, and I’ve come up with some real whoppers before now.

 

Day 138

 

The plan went reasonably well. Everyone was waiting at the exits. The exits were strung with fibre wire that shredded a few of them. Plus they had the sense to go to raid the police station for heavy weapons before they got here.

 

The spinning rope thing worked. Sort of. I hit the ground spinning and side on and my shoulder came out of the socket. I also landed on a patch of ground that was glowing red-hot from the bomb I dropped down their first so now I have all one side of my face all bacon looking.

 

Patriarch was carrying a heavy bolter. Where does a Xeno get a heavy bolter from? Only the Interior Guard and us are allowed to carry them. Got hit in the upper thighs with the big bolter. Now have broken two legs. OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!

 

Just glad I managed to jump in time. Otherwise I would be in infinitely more pain.

 

On the positive side we get to take some serious weapons home as trophies. The Coppers are coming to look for clues as to where the came from, if any escaped and who they were. After that the place gets the promethium treatment.

 

Day 139

 

Got shouted at by Sarge for, and I quote, ‘acting like an irresponsible Space Wolf’. Apparently they all got angry with me running off.

 

Got dragged to the Cog-head. Yveld shouted at me for nicking half a dozen melta-bombs and a full plasma core.

 

Got dragged to a cave owned by the ‘Order of the Cleansing Water’ of the Orders Hospitaller. They might not be members of the Orders Militant but they all carry weapons. Got the holes in my legs stitched up by a very comely looking young lady. Asked her if her guns were real or not. Got a slap in the face. Hey, its still body contact so I’m not complaining.

 

Got given a wheelchair. Space Marines and wheelchairs just should not go together.

 

There is not a ship going from the star-port to Kargotha until just after dinner tomorrow. Going to go and do the tourist thing.

 

Nicked a camera of Yveld.

 

Day 140

 

It’s nice. Went for a walk (roll) in the countryside. The caves here are massive. The roof is painted blue and white and if it were not for the uniformity of the sun-mimicking lights you would not know you were acutely in a cave.

 

Got some fridge magnets, for the dreads. They like sticking them on their casings. Dread Waylum has one from every world in the system.

 

I am also taking as much cheap booze as I can hide in this chair. Thinking of getting a blanket ‘to keep warm’ and hiding a couple of bottles under that.

 

Met up with the rest of the squad. They have all purchased backpacks that make suspicious sloshing sounds when they move. Hope the customs inspectors don’t look too closely.

 

Had a small meal at the star-port. Some sort of sliced vegetable on rye bread. That stuff is heavy as lead. I swear they bulk it out with concrete.

 

The ship arrived on time. It’s a home built one. You can always tell the home built ones. They are well armed. Its a way of getting around imperial legislation and law. Since the Hourus Heresy no PDF or Imperial Guard can order a ship about. The navy and the IG split down the middle so that if one goes traitor not all is lost. However in the time of immediate threat the IG can commandeer any ship they need for the duration of the emergency. So King Smithy XIX passed a law saying all ships built had to be armed ‘to deter pirates’. We essentially have our own Navy.

 

We can’t commandeer anything officially because the Chapters are technically a separate entity to the Imperium. That’s why we have just one too small ship.

 

Day 141

 

Can feel the bones in my leg rubbing together. It is extremely painful. On the positive side I may end up with legs the same length after this, which will be an improvement.

 

Playing cards with everyone else. We are playing ‘three and four’ then we shall play ‘knock out whist’ then we may be reduced to playing ‘21’. But no matter how board we get we will not get board enough to play ‘snap’.

 

I seem to be winning at a ratio of 1:60 games. Drell said I am going senile in my old age. Told him he is not getting any of my booze.

 

They all saw what drinks I managed to acquire whilst I was out. Its all single malt 8 year old authentic Skagii whisky. The good stuff. Much better than the stuff they went for.

 

Sarge went for the cider and the applejack. That’s nasty stuff that applejack. It dissolves your teeth and leaves them coated to the back of your throat. And the hangover... it should be impossible for a Marine to get a proper hangover but that stuff, that stuff makes it feel like the inside of your eye-sockets are full of needles and the inside of you skull is covered in curry powder. I can’t begin to think what they put in it.

 

Sarge says he’s going to give it to the neophytes to see how hardy they are to toxins. Sounds like dropping someone in the sea to see if they can swim to me.

 

Day 142

 

I can see Kargotha. Looks like a big petty blue and green marble.

 

Back for dinner. Dinner was some sort of vegetable stew.

 

Gave the Dreads the fridge magnets.

 

Have managed to acquire enough alcohol, combined with what is already in the cellar, to get the entire company drunk.

 

Day 143... probably

 

I have woken up next to a traffic cone and I am wearing an Arbiters helmet. I think I am missing a big piece of last night.

 

That was fun. Everyone joined in. Even the captain. We thought that that would be good because then he could not get us in trouble. Regrettably 100 Marines singing dubious songs about various questionable activities at the tops of their voices tends to get you noticed by everybody else. Chapter Master played hell at all of us. Think he was just angry because we didn’t save him any.

 

The neophytes have the predictable curry and needles hangover. Poor sods.

 

Going to see the Apocathery.

 

Apocathery did several painful twisty stretchy painful things to my legs and then stuck a metal wire thing on them to hold everything still. It was nearly as bad as having them broken in the first place. Hopefully they won’t heal crooked.

 

Every other company got pork chops and spuds. Ours got some sort of tuba root looking thing. I got some-sort of mineral enriched goop with crunchy things floating in it. Marine bones are more a sort of calcium-based ceramite than normal bone. If left on its own the severed bones would just calcify together naturally and be a point of relative weakness. Which means I get stuck with the goop until they knit back together again.

 

Day 144

 

Just received word over the astropath (who found the message very painful with the hangover he has) that slaaneshii cultists are taking over a world to the galactic south west of us. It’s called Sreeb.

 

We set of in about two days. The ‘Sharp Blade’ is currently on its way back from Cadia with the 10th company.

 

2nd, 5th, 1st and 8th companies will be going. I’m going also. It will take at least 3 days, probably 4, to get there and by then my legs will be fairly good. Not great, but I will be able to run if I have to. That’s one of the good things about being a sniper. You may still end up being mutilated but at least you don’t have to run around a lot getting tired before hand.

 

Rolled over to the dreads after having some goop for dinner. Played some cards.

 

Rolled over to the marksman’s range to practice with the sniper rifle. Have found an unforeseen problem. If I do not put the breaks on I go back very quickly and if I do put them on I flip onto my back.

 

I give up. I’m going to look for what we have in the library on Sreeb.

 

Day 145

 

Nice planet. Mostly water with lots of long island chains. Plant life seems to have blue chlorophyll.

 

All of the plants are extremely poisonous and the animals venomous and the islands are over run with bloody Spikers. Every one lives along the bottom of the shallow sea in bubbles and farms seaweed or on boats and follows shoals of fish.

 

Looked for pictures of what it looks like on the seabed. Everyone is now painting their armour blues and browns. Dreads are not coming with us on this one because the salt water would make them rust.

 

Got the serfs to fill the big 30ft deep baths in the cellar with salt water. We are all taking it in turns to wear lead boots and drop in to accustom the lungs and eyes to salt water.

 

Day 145

 

The Dreads are telling Slaanesh jokes now.

 

What is the favourite hymn of the Slaaneshii cultist?

 

Oh, come all ye faithful.

 

What do you get if you cross an eldar farseer an ork, 3 deamonette’s, lots of alcohol and Slaanesh?

 

Who knows, but the Emperor still can not walk.

 

Two deamonette’s in the service of Slaanesh and a happy guardsman. What did the first deamonette in the service of Slaanesh say to the second?

 

Do not play with your food.

 

After about 30 jokes of this abysmal type I was beginning to feel sick. Plus I was losing at cards again.

 

Went to practice sniper training at the bottom of the lake.

 

Contrary to popular belief Space Marines can swim. Just. And not if we are in power armour.

 

The ship should be here by now.

 

Day 146

 

Got told that we will all be wearing power armour. With an osmotic gill thingy as well. Its in case we fall down a deep trench and the pressure crushes us. It takes a lot of weight to crack open power armour.

 

We are still waiting for the ship.

 

Just found a reasonably up to date atlas. Found where our squad will splash down. Typical, in the deep bits.

 

Started painting armour much darker blue.

 

Found a book on the local animal life. It’s my sort of book, lots of pictures. Pygmy chameleon sharks and giant trilobites and shoals of rainbow fish. The people of this world have lived in total harmony with their world since before the great crusade. We could all learn from their example.

 

Just heard that the Space Sharks are coming along for this one. Never met them before. Found nothing on them in the library except a couple of battle reports from the Badab wars. Grey armour with a shark emblem is all it says.

 

Day 147

 

Ship arrived. About time. All ran on. Much colliding and swear words with the 10th coming off.

 

We set of immediately. No time for breakfast.

 

Just found a problem. Bolters do not work under water. Pointed this out to Captain Zakaris. I am glad I was carrying the camera I nicked of Yveld. Never want to forget that expression.

 

Looks like we are going to spend the trip making harpoon guns out of what ever we can find.

 

Day 148

 

Large amounts of elastic bands and such have been removed from the spare parts stores. And lengths of metal tubing.

 

Their seems to be a competition going on to see which squad can come up with the best harpoon launcher.

 

Dinner was something artificial from a tube for everyone else (no time to pack food) and a flask of goop for me.

 

Day 149

 

The gun we built can fire further than anyone else’s with reasonable accuracy if you hold it still. It is however very hard to load.

 

Have had a thought. If most of the people are in bubble colonies then the bolters should work. Pointed this out to the captain. He told me to get back to making the harpoon guns. The last thing you need is to blow a hole in the side of the bubble and let all the air out. The bolters are staying on the ship.

 

We have perfected our design of harpoon gun. It is essentially a sniper harpoon. We tested it in the ships water purification tanks.

 

Now is the monotones and dull task of making the actual harpoons.

 

Day 150

 

Found a las-pistol in a locker. Tried firing it underwater. All it did was heat the water around it extremely quickly and give me scalded hands. Taking it for if we end up fighting in one of the bubbles.

 

Everyone else looking for las-weapons in disused lockers.

 

Found a melta-gun. Sarge took it of me before I could roll down to the water tanks. He told me that there were things that humanity was not yet ready to learn and one of them is what happens to the user of a melta-gun that is discharged underwater.

 

Got back to turning spare metal sheeting into harpoons.

 

Its actually quite nice in a therapeutic way is the making of the harpoons.

 

Day 151

 

Dropped out of the warp. Cant get to close to a gravity well of a planet with out landing inside solid rock. WHACK! Instant fossil.

 

Now it is the sub light engines and quick skimming thought the shallows of the warp.

 

Got hold of a permanent marker and wrote on the bottom of all the drop pods ‘If you can read this its too late to duck’

 

We are approaching the planet from the side of one of the poles.

 

Have big stockpile of harpoons. Now comes the frantic search for some way of conveniently carrying them.

 

Putting the power armour on. I really do not like power armour. It makes my Black Carapace feel funky, and that is not a pleasant experience, but it beats being crushed under eleventy-billion tonnes of water.

 

Librarian Gvon filled all our armour with a sort of gel that should go solid in contact with the water around any break in the armour. Sort of an auto-puncture repair kit.

 

Gut lurching, bowel worrying sensation of the G-forces that are involved in dropping a drop pod. Hitting water and then sinking to the bottom of the sea just makes it worse because you get seasick as well.

 

It’s totally impossible to be sick in power armour thank goodness.

 

Day 152

 

Turns out we landed about 5 miles away from the mining colony we are supposed to be getting to.

 

The water and power armour really takes the weight of your feet. Almost like walking in low gravity.

 

The only light this far down is from some of the weirdest and ugliest fish-things I have ever seen. That and the containers of phosphorescent rot we are using as light sources. It’s very much like a nightmare world complete with weird looking monsters.

 

No matter how weird the fish may be I think I have just found something weirder; there is a squad of Space Marines walking towards us. That is not particularly weird in its self except they are wearing no armour!

 

These have to be the Space Sharks. We tried talking to them but the voice synthesizers in the helmets were never designed to work under water. We also tried writing on a waterproof notebook. That didn’t work. What sort of Chapter does not know High Gothic?

 

These have to be the strangest Marines I have ever met. They have black on black eyes, an extra set of translucent eyelids, a complete set of pointy teeth, webbed hands, a really thick neck and they have gills in that tree stump thick neck. They are not navigating by sight because they spend most of their time with their eyes shut; they seem to be navigating by some sort of smell (is it possible they are using the ambient magnetism in the water for navigation?). Each has the emblem of the shark tattooed on their shoulder.

 

They carry harpoon guns that put ours to shame. It looks like an archaic ‘tommy-gun’ that has been modified to fire lengths of metal by elastic bands.

 

Passed what looks like a whale skeleton. Now that is really spooky looking when all you have to see by is a bottle of glowing mould and your allies walk through this nightmare realm like silent wraiths.

 

Day 153

 

We are here. We see the mining bubble. It is the only entrance to the mining facility as this is the only place they can get air from. It looks like a big metal dome. With a pipe coming out of the top of it

 

Now we wait for the time to attack. The assaults are going to be at the same time so as no one gets any warning. That means there is three hours to wait.

 

Wonder who the Space Sharks descended from. It can’t be the ultramarines (thank goodness) or they would be called something stupid like The Aquamarines.

 

Playing ‘I spy’. So far we have had silt, rock, water, metal, mining colony, weird fish looking marine, whalebone, harpoon and power armour. Think that may be everything.

 

Nearly time. We are going to wait the last five minuets outside the door.

 

Times up. We are going in by the traditional method of knocking on the door with a melta-bomb.

 

Day 154

 

That was a bloody awful battle. Half of it was underwater. Most of the walls are painted in various bright colours including some that you should not see with out being high on Obscura. Nearly all the walls have at least one pornographic scene on them. Ran out of film before sarge confiscated the camera.

 

The harpoon guns we made were just as good as we thought they would. They were bloody useless. Tried to use the las-pistol as much as possible but it is extremely hard trying to fire a gun designed for normal human hand whilst wearing power armour.

 

The Cultists are holding half the dome. They have barricaded and welded shut a lot of doors and subsequently hold half of the colony. We just about got the stairway to the surface, so hopefully they are trapped.

 

The Space Sharks are not people I would like to cross. Saw one of them bite someone’s throat out.

 

Thought of a new battle cry the cultists could use; ‘Porn for the porn god!’

 

Day 155

 

Most of the colony is underground (obviously, its a mining colony) and the visible bubble we saw before was just the tip of it. All the doors are welded shut and we dare not use explosives or anything that could damage anything because there are civilians here as well.

 

The place is a bit like a hive-city. But not as over crowded or criminal infested. This last fact could of course be the fact that criminals are usually the first to go over to the Ruinous Powers and they are under siege.

 

Siege is pretty much what it is. We can’t get in, they can’t get out. Sounds like a nice arrangement to me. They’ll starve.

 

Pointed this out to sarge. Got told to use my head for something other than nutting people. There are lots of innocents stuck behind those doors and the plankton farms are on that side as well. They can survive indefinitely and the innocents will keep them entertained for years.

 

The idea of people being trapped with so many cultists is sickening and revolting. But until someone comes up with a way of getting through foot thick adamantium we are a bit stuck.

 

Doing what any sane Marine would do in such circumstances; going to look for a pub.

 

Day 156

 

Found one. Looks like the Space Sharks beat me to it.

 

The humans are looking at us with expressions of fear and wonder. Guess they never saw a Space Marine before.

 

Its a fact that most of humanity has never seen a Space Marine before. Most of humanity worships or at least venerates the Immortal Emperor in some way or other, be it as a god or a saviour or a distant figure of legend that watches over us and protects. It all depends on how the Ecclesiarchy has screwed them up. They have, in some way, Space Marines incorporated into his legends and stuff because of the stuff we did during the Horus Heresy.

 

Essentially they see us as Angels. Poor sods.

 

The good thing about power armour is you can stand up for ever in it because of the 100 percent body support it offers. This is good when you would otherwise crush even the sturdiest barstool.

 

Using the last bit of money I managed to hide from the Chapter to get drinks. In 1200 years I have saved up and hidden enough to pay for everyone’s drinks. This made everyone very happy.

 

Day 157

 

Well that is me broke. Not that I am bothered particularly as I am not meant to have any money at all because of the Geller field that had to be replaced

 

Still can’t figure out what anyone was saying. Weird language the have round here. Seems to follow the same basic form as Catachan deep jungle low gothic and I am sure I picked out some words of Linga Tecnis.

 

Joined up with the rest of the squad.

 

All other doors have been massively reinforced on this side except this one and another that the Sharks are guarding.

 

Sarge got local cog-head to let us borrow the meanest looking welding torch I have ever seen.

 

The wall is beginning to glow red.

 

Still glowing red.

 

Still red

 

Day 158

 

For what it is worth we are all firing the las-weapon at the wall as well. For is it not written in the Chapter Approved Book Of Proverbs ‘every little helps’.

 

Metal turning yellow.

 

Space Sharks have come to see what we are up to.

 

Got some buckets of crushed ice. Stop welding and threw the buckets at them. Then started welding again. Then threw buckets. Then started welding again. Then threw a bucket and the wall shattered.

 

We were all wearing power armour and the Shark marines managed to jump out of the way, or behind one of us, with commendable speed.

 

This means they probably did not descend from the Salamanders. The Salamanders have ponderous tendencies.

 

Day 159

 

That was another bitch of a battle. The apocrathy is trying to stitch the surviving victims of the cultists back together as best he can. Power armour makes it impossible to be sick. After seeing what was done to those poor sods I am glad of this fact.

 

I think the Space Sharks may be children of Sanguinius. One of them is chewing on a cultists arm as a snack.

 

What is the difference between Loyalists and Traitors? It sure as hell can’t be attitude or behaviour. It’s just a case of answer the question ‘Do you serve the Immortal Emperor?’ and if the question is yes then you are loyal and your chapter is allowed to own a planet. If it were anything to do with behaviour then half the Blood Angel’s later foundings would be burned at the stake.

 

Day 160

 

We descend further into the depths of the mining colony. We are in the tunnels were once were rich veins of iron. Came across a beat/torture gang this morning. I tore three of them to pieces before my brothers could get near them.

 

Got to the plankton farms. These are used for making lots of synthetic foods that taste like crap but are said to be very nutritious. Personally I would rather eat my own foot.

 

After much searching we have found the last of the cult cowering behind some meagre defences at the back of a dead end tunnel.

 

Its over.

 

Day 161

 

Space Sharks are having a barbecue in the tunnel were we found the last of the cultists. Any guess what/who they are eating?

 

Setting off up to the surface to report a successful mission. We will then get of this weird world. The Space Sharks can get off this world however they got on, because I would not wish to share a ship with psychotic cannibals. I mean, what if we get stranded and they get hungry?

 

Got to the surface. It feels good to take the power armour off. I came prepared for this mission. I am wearing sandals, shorts and an extremely brightly coloured shirt under the power armour. Going to go and sunbathe. If sarge asks I will telling him that I am just seeing if my skin is still photo-sensitive after all the crap that happened to it in the last millennia.

 

Shuttles are busy picking up the other squads. Won’t get to us before tomorrow morning. That is fine by me. I intend to sleep in the sun. All I am short of to make this perfect is a pint of beer.

 

Day 162

 

All good things come to an end. The ship arrived.

 

One of the apocrathys found two of the slaaneshii cultist’s victims had 100 percent compatible genetics. Yey! Two more neophytes. Apparently they are talking some really twisted bastardised Necromundan/Catchan hybrid language. Thankfully Brother Benedict is fluent in both languages.

 

They both agreed to join. We are not a chapter that delights in abduction, nor are we heartless and inhuman. We will give them a month to say goodbye to everyone and then we will send a ship round to pick them up if they still want to join.

 

I remember when I was told I could join the Chapter. I was 25, a trooper in the PDF and in hospital after being gutted by a chaos xeno. My parents and sisters were so proud. I still miss them.

 

Day 163

 

The ship is really boring. It does not help that I am sharing a room with Brother Bear. He sheds hair everywhere this time of year.

 

I cannot believe that no one brought a deck of cards. There are 400 marines, HOW COULD NONE OF US OF BROUGHT A DECK OF CARDS?!?!?

 

Oh, and it turns out cog-brother Baal shot himself through the neck with his own harpoon gun. How the hell do you do this with power armour on? I mean how?

 

If he were human he would be dead. It begs the question of how a marine smart enough to be a Cog-brother can do something so stupid.

 

Day 167

 

Playing ‘paper scissors stone’. We are that board.

 

Tried playing ‘eye spy’. That is a bit hard on a ship that is so small and claustrophobic.

 

Day 168

 

It’s the arm wrestling contest level of boredom we have reached. Soon it will descend to normal wrestling and then the head butting contests and after that there is no hope.

 

You know what I reckon they should do for long flights like this? They should get one of those VR training machines. Yes, I know that one of them got possessed once and it nearly killed an entire chapter, but it’s a chance I am willing to take.

 

Day 169

 

We will be back soon. Or so we should.

 

I have been beaten at arm wrestling by nearly everyone.

 

On the positive side I have put lots of time into tying peoples bootlaces together with out them noticing. They try to walk then hop then look down to see what has happened and then they hit the floor. Its fun to watch.

 

Day 170

 

I really hate warp travel. They say that the Geller field is totally warp proof. The cog-heads expend a large amount of words in saying so. So why do I have such bloody strange dreams when I am travelling by warp. Is there a Deamon of bladed cabbages that prays upon the minds of marines? I will have to research it when we get back

 

We should be back by now.

 

The navigator says the currents are acting all funky in front of us and it is like navigating forwards is like pissing into the wind.

 

Day 171

 

You hear stories about ships that get lost in the warp for hundreds of years and come out in the wrong spiral arm and stuff. I wonder what it is like.

 

There was this one marine that I met, cant remember which chapter, who claimed to have arrived a day before he set of. If I did that I would run to the nearest astropath and send a message to myself not to set off. Just to see what will happen.

 

So bored.

 

Day 172

 

Found a permanent marker and am writing on the walls. This is a sign of crazyness. I am not crazy. Not crazy I tell you!

 

So Board.

 

Drawn a life-sized tree complete with happy little red squirrel.

 

SO BORED!

 

Day 173

 

Hooray, we are back!!

 

Went to my room and stuck the photos I have taken in the photo album.

 

Most of the porny pics are in fact pictures of my thumb. Damn!

 

Going to need a new photo album soon. This one has had so many pages added to it it is nearly a foot thick. You could use it to club oxen with.

 

Day 178

 

I have just realised something! It is the annual chapter holiday tomorrow! Yay!

 

Hope we are going to the beach this time. Last year we went to the mountains and it rained and rained and rained. And all the ice-cream got soggy and ants got at my sandwiches.

 

Dinner was porridge so thick you could use it to stick bricks together.

 

Have just found out that the System King has died whilst we were out chaos bashing. Dude with the voting box came round.

 

The late king had 5 apprentices. All of them seemed to be copy’s of himself and there are even rumours of cloning. Which is an art practiced only by the blackest of the Dark Mechanicus. All the kings seem to look very much alike so it would not surprise me if they have been clones for the last 20,000 years.

 

Chapter Master is probably going to vote for the oldest of the 5 as he also sounds most like the late king in approach and outlook and, most importantly, wanting to keep the Kargothan system as separate from the rest of the Impeium as possible.

 

I dare say members of the Inquisition would find such a thing heretical but this system could survive just about anything short of a Black Crusade and we would like to keep it that way. Getting involved with the wider Imperium is likely to change that and make us weaker.

 

Day 179

 

Were going to the beach! Yey!

 

All went to nearest train station and boarded the train. We all, except the neophytes, get a senior citizens discount. One of the lesser-known advantages of being a Marine.

 

Yep. That’s the sea. I would recognise it anywhere. Everyone is starting to do all those things that you are supposed to do on the beach, like building sand castles, and sand space ships and wearing the red and white stripy swimming suit or a big pair of baggy shorts.

 

Brother Bear has covered himself with algae and kelp and seaweed and is jumping out at people pretending to be a sea monster. It’s funny seeing their terrified expressions.

 

Several people have already mistaken Sarge as a big lump of beached seaweed because of all the green and brown tattoos.

 

The Dreads, operating on some long buried instinct, are trying to sunbathe. Even thought they have no skin. Weird. One of them is wearing a huge wide brimmed straw hat.

 

The chapter master is building the biggest sand castle in the world. It’s got battlement, it’s got a drawbridge, it’s got turrets, it’s got big high walls and spires and spiky bits along the walls.

 

As always happens in such circumstances sand war has broken out. Librarian Gvon has brought forth the book of sand war rules and we are now constructing infantry and tanks out of little bits of driftwood.

 

Before the tide came in a faction of sand castles owned by a squad of 1st company devastators had the upper hand. Lots of tourists wanted to have their pictures taken with us. It’s all just so they can say to their friends that they have seen a Space Marine.

 

For dinner me and Drell and Benedict went to a nice little cafe with the traditional white and blue stripy umbrellas and had a big plate of egg and crisp buttys. The cost is coming out of our allowable government expenses.

 

Decided to tie one end of a rope to a railing and one end to my foot and I am going to sunbathe by lying face down in the sea. The rope is to make sure I do not drift out with the tide.

 

Day 180

 

Woke up face down in the sea. Oh the salty freshness.

 

Going to the park to watch squirrels. Its fun to watch them scurry between the graves and trees when you throw a nut for them.

 

Squirrels are funny. For all the horrors and atrocities that I have weathered and fought through to protect worlds like this the simple happy little creature knows nothing thereof. That sums up the Adeptus Astrates all over that does.

 

If I could have my time again I would wish to have it as one of these little red creatures. You just have to bury nuts and you just have normal things to worry about and your brain is too small to realise the fragile nature of the world upon which you stand. Bliss.

 

For dinner was a plate of egg and chips.

 

Going down t the beach now that the tide is out far enough.

 

Building sand castles. Sand war broke out again. Our faction was the first to fall after the main fort was all but destroyed by a single pebble to the foundation of one of the walls. Should have dug a moat.

 

Tenth company Terminators won this one. They built their fortress with its back to a rock so they just had to fortify the front of it. And they reinforced the outer wall with bits of driftwood. That’s real class in a sand castle that is.

 

We all went to the cinema when the tide came in. Me and my squad went to see a film about Sebastian Thor. It was either that or Horus Heresy, The Musical. Hate musicals.

 

Went to the park to watch bats. They flutter like nocturnal butterflies.

 

Day 181

 

By my reckoning it was about two in the morning when Librarian Gvon started psychically telling us all to hurry back to the station. Every Librarian in the chapter got a message from the chapter astropath.

 

Heard what the message was. Very simple. The word ‘Help’ and coordinates. Everything else is in some weird gibberish.

 

Why did it have to be in the middle of the annual chapter holiday? Is three days a year too much to ask?

 

All on train and its starting to rain. Good thing is that I have stocked up on enough sugary sweets to last a couple of months. If the government are going to pay they should expect stuff like this

 

Back at the Fortress.

 

Placed all the sugary food under the floorboards of my room. And in the hollow cavity between my room and the cleaning supplies closet.

 

Found the coordinates on the big star-map in the big library. Only one planet that is habitable on that system and its name is Grograthag. Sounds a bit orky if you ask me.

 

Found a really old dusty book. It an imperial official issue propaganda thing that goes on to describe the people as mindless savages that drink the blood of the dead and feast on the flesh of good pure humans, blah blah blah... you get the picture.

 

Speaking of picture there is one in the back of the book. A photo of what looks like a family of, to put no fine point on it, beastmen. Looks like it was made before the age of Gorge Van Dire. No wonder it’s covered in so much dust.

 

If you filter all the propaganda out of it you can pick up the facts. I am highlighting these in yellow highlighter for the poor sod who has to read the book. The locals, all abbhuman, have got to the level of technology where they have invented charcoal, bow and arrow, agriculture and smugglers from the next system out. To some of the most advanced native iron is the cutting edge of cutting edge technology. But most still prefer bronze.

 

We do not know why they were calling us because none of us can understand the message. So we are all going. Except the 8th. Rules dictate that at least one company has to stay behind so if a mission goes all wonky the chapter does not go extinct.

[Sigismund Himself]

Several posts have been removed or edited. Please remember that the Report Button is there for when you have an issue and to post politely. Thank you.

[soddinnutter]

Day 182

 

The ship is cramped. Really cramped. Have to share a room with Benedict, Drell, Dvis and Jared.

 

The gravity has been switched off to maximise storage space. We now have to clip our selves to the walls to avoid drifting. I really hate 0-G. If it was not for that node thing they stuck in my brain I would not be able to sleep at all.

 

It is exceedingly difficult to play cards with no gravity to hold the deck down.

 

Started telling stories about what we have done on other missions.

 

Started telling them all about Chapter Master Jophiel (the one before the one before Master Cain Corby Sternist) and how he once grabbed a Blood Thirster by the horns and nutted it to death.

 

Now we are moving onto the saga of Librarian Otheleg who once went toe to toe with a chaos sorcerer and won, though it cost him his life. An important lesson to us all; don’t piss around with the boys form the Eye, not with out lots of back up.

 

Day 183

 

Swam over to the training room. Everyone is practicing zero-G combat. It’s not as easy as it sounds. For one thing if you swing a punch at someone then you go spinning in the opposite direction and expose your back.

 

Found the best way to get someone is to smack him into a wall and try to land on the opposite wall.

 

Found a couple of mop heads. I am having an idea.

 

Day 184

 

This is really boring. Read the book about the world we are going to twice now. Basic feral world. Pre-black powder.

 

Apparently the world was once used as a prison colony. Then the local system governors found it was cheaper to stick the criminals in a penal legion and get a slight reduction in the amount of tithe they had to pay.

 

Planet is too untameable to be turned into an agri-world. It’s sort of like Catchan. But with out the good selection of narcotics that make life on Catchan almost bearable.

 

Found some paint.

 

Day 185

 

Going to ask Captain Zakaris if we are nearly there yet.

 

He was in the command centre fiering elastic bands at the navigation hololith. I think he was trying to hit the planet we are heading for.

 

Got told that he thinks we will be out in a few days.

 

Asked him if we were nearly there yet every 30 seconds until he punched me in the head.

 

That’s how bored I am.

 

Found more colours of paint. All the colours of the rainbow.

 

186

 

For dinner today was some sort of concentrated food pack. Decided I was not hungry enough to eat it.

 

After dinner I decided to stand/float too close to the librarians whilst thinking ‘Can You Hear Me?’ as loud as I could. Got told to go and bother the Dreads.

 

We left the Dreads at the fortress to save on storage space. That and Dreads aren’t built for jungle combat.

 

Seem to be hitting a bit of turbulence in the warp. Everything is going all shaky.

 

Found some glue.

 

Day 187

 

Found another book to read. ‘Dyela And Her Inquisitor’. Who the hell brought a bloody romance along? What is worse is its I propaganda.

 

Left the book floating somewhere conspicuous to use as bait to see who it belongs to.

 

Still floating.

 

It was picked up by Chapter Master Sternist. Now I have the dilemma of how to take the micky with out being thrown out of the chapter.

 

Decided micky taking, no matter how enjoyable, is not worth exile.

 

Found Sarge’s helmet.

 

Day 188

 

Found a box of marker pens.

 

Drew a picture of an open door on one of the busy corridors.

 

3 people have bounced of the fake door.

 

Going hunting for new reading material.

 

Found the copy of the Codex. We usually use it as a how not to do it guide. Or toilet roll if we run out.

 

Day 189

 

I am actually hungry enough to eat the fake food bars. They are foul.

 

Just saw Brother Victor. I know it is unkind, but he gives me the creeps.

 

Wrote the words ‘Purge Me Hard’ on the back of the armour of the Captain of the fourth.

 

I am half tempted to replace the promethium in the flamer with silly string. Everyone loves silly string.

 

Day 190

 

I gave into temptation and replaced the promethium with silly string.

 

Now I am bored again.

 

Was thinking of repainting the bikes. But the problem is that there are no bikes.

 

I am so board that I am almost contemplating reading the in-flight magazine. No, I will never in a thousand years be that desperate.

 

Day 191

 

The Navigator has just informed us that we are nearly there.

 

I am so glad to be getting of this god-forsaken boat.

 

For dinner was sugar cube and banana sandwiches. Who the hell thought that one up?

 

We are now in orbit of what looks like a very nice planet. It’s green with big blue oceans. The entire planet looks like one big forest. Excepting close to the poles where not even the pine may grow and the ground gives over to tundra.

 

The librarians have located the source of the astropathic signal. It is right in the middle of the continent shaped like an upside down ‘R’.

 

Landed the shuttle in the only clear place we could find. And that was only cleared because we dropped some heavy weapons onto it.

 

We are setting up the tents and, as tradition dictates, opening the ceremonial beer cans.

 

Day 192

 

Now just begins the search for where ever the astropath who sent the message is. It is a wonder to me that anyone on this world could be an astropath. I mean, who performs the soul binding?

 

The trees here are really big. It is like night under the trees. Forever a world in twilight.

 

The trees look like a sort of Giant Hawthorn (Crataegus monogynum giganticum) with big nasty spiky thorns.

 

Found a sort of rock totem pole with a solid gold Aquilla on the top. There is a large horn on a string dangling from it. Sarge tried to play the tune to the song ‘Do You Take Me For A Numpty’. In all fairness it was quiet good.

 

About ten minuets after Sarge’s musical performance we became surrounded by a tribe of beastmen all of whom are holding wooden sticks with pointy rocks on the end. They are covered in hair that looks more like fur and they have very angular faces with pointy teeth.

 

A wizened old grey furred man has walked forwards. He surprised us all. He greeted us in fluent High Gothic.

 

Day 193

 

It is a sad fact that is overlooked by the Imperium as a whole that the abbhuman worlds provided a lot of the Imperial Army during the Horus Heresy and out of all those abbhuman units only about 5 per cent went traitor whereas about 50 per cent of the ‘pure’ humans went stupid. Strange that this got forgotten.

 

I will have to ask about this next time I see a Preacher. It is so fun to watch them trying to think of a retort.

 

Apparently this particular world was one of the worlds that got recruited from. They speak High Gothic as an inter-tribal language and tell ancient stories about ancient times when they fought on all the worlds they see in the night sky.

 

The problem they have now is that they have got a Chaos Cult. Well we assume it is a Chaos Cult. They refer to them as Worshipers Of The Old Enemy. Got taken to a big map carved on a lot of sheets of skin all sawn together. It looks like a map of the whole continent and surrounding islands.

 

They are much smarter than the look.

 

The areas with the Chaos are marked in blood.

 

I have just noticed. A lot of them have tattoos of the Aquilla on their chests and symbols of wolves heads and dragon heads and upside down omegas on their shoulders.

 

I think they dream of being the Marines from their old fables.

 

Tomorrow we set out to talk to these misguided tribes that follow the Old Enemy.

 

Day 194

 

Woke up with that tingly ‘someone is screwing with the warp feeling’

 

Told Librarian Gvon and he said he heard them trying to send a ‘thank you’ letter to Holy Terra because we turned up.

 

This still does not answer the question of ‘How the hell does a beastman send astropathic messages?’

 

Set off on the long walk back to the shuttle. The idea is that we fly over the places we are going and use grav-chuets to land in the right area.

 

Day 195

 

We have visited 4 tribes marked as chaos so far. So far we have not had to kill anyone. As soon as they take one look at us they convert back and Brother Gvon senses no deception.

 

Found one tribe that was... sick and twisted. Mutants and abominations with tentacles and crab claws and exoskeletons. They attacked us on site so we wiped them all out.

 

On a lighter note the silly string hides some of the mess. Hooray for silly string and its colourful goodness.

 

Day 196

 

Brother Gordans Grav-chute failed. Apparently he forgot to change the battery when the little red light started to flash. He now has a bracken spine. Idiot!

 

Gordan has been told to stay in the Craft and as punishment for being a complete dick he is being forced to read the user manual for the grave-chute and write out a new copy.

 

A grand total of 8 tribes turned back to sanity and 3 exterminated. I mourn for those we are forced to kill. I cannot help but think how their mothers cared for them and how they card for their children and we just murdered them.

 

The Preachers can prattle on about how we had to for the Greater Glory Of Humanity but I know full well that they have never seen death close up like we have. I know that by my own standards I am steeped in sin. But at least my sins are warriors sins and they are not the worst I have seen at that. Not by a long way.

 

Day 197

 

We have finished the area we had to do. The psykers among us feel the difference.

 

I have taken lots of pict-files with my camera. Pretty trees.

 

We are heading back to the ship now.

 

Apparently ever flamer unit thinks that silly-string is hilarious.

 

Sarge took his helmet off. The techni-coloured mop heads are glued to his head in much the same manner as a wig. It goes well with his camouflage tattoos.

 

Day 198

 

All we wait for is the 1st company and the 9th. The 9th had the one in the mountains and the 1st had the most to do.

 

For dinner is some beef jerky I found down the back of the command sofa. I am determined to get through this without resorting to synthetic food bars.

 

9th are back.

 

Putting bets of how long it will take the 1st to get here.

 

About bloody time. The are back.

 

Setting sail for home.

 

Day 199

 

The first had to go and look for Brother Victor. Poor bastard. The thing is he was once caught by Dark Eldar on one of their :huh: pits of a ship. They dissected him and scattered him all over the room whilst keeping him ‘functional’ by lots of tubes and wire. We dealed twelve colours of hell to them when we found where they were. Apocrathy ‘no nose’ Jock stitched him back together but in retrospect admitted that he should have just put him down. He is barley there anymore. He sometimes wanders of on his own so we have to look for him.

 

Whenever we take him to Cadia we generally just give him a couple of lightning claws and point him in the right direction.

 

Drawn a picture of a hull breach opposite a door. The shock it gives people when they open the door and see that is immense. Very funny to watch.

 

Day 200

 

Soooooo dull.

 

For dinner was nothing. I am not eating syntho-food.

 

Playing paper, scissor, stone with anyone who will play.

 

Day 201

 

Dulltastic.

 

I never thought I would live long enough to hear myself say these words; I miss the Dreads.

 

Whoa! Did anyone else feel that?

 

All lights and alarms!

 

Navigator is unconscious, ship is being dragged into real space, Gellar field is failing! We are under attack!

 

Day 202

 

It was a chaos vessel.

 

They must have taken a look at the crappyness of the ship and mistaken us for easy merchant prey. Fools. They were wearing the armour of the Alpha Legion. TRAITORUS BASTARDS! We fought them off. We took one casualty that I know of; Chapter Master Sternist. His bunk was next to the Plasma Reactor and a trio of Terminators warped in. They shot him as he slept.

 

I saw this because I was trying to stick a ‘I think Banshees are Sexy’ sticker on his sleeping back.

 

As I write this I am hiding in a cleaning supplies closet on the chaos vessel. I got here by a complicated series of events involving sticking a power claw through a Alpha Legion Terminators head, a teleportor some duct tape and several grenades.

 

To put it another way: I am on a Chaos vessel of unknown type or size, I have no idea the size of the crew or the numbers of enemy soldiers I will face, if I am found I am a dead Marine, I am probably in the warp going God knows where, my Brothers have no idea where I am and I have no weapons save my intelligence and wit. I’m screwed.

 

But at least it’s not dull.

 

Day 203

 

- Found what might be a mess hall of some description. There is a hydra symbol on the wall. I decapitated all the filthy mutant crewmen and wrote in blood under the hydra; ‘The Heads Do Not Grow Back.’

 

- I can smell the food that is burning under the grill. Some of it is human flesh.

 

- For these deaths I feel no guilt.

 

- I have now got knives as weapons. It feels good to be armed again.

 

- Can hear alarms. Can hear the tromp of heavy boots

 

Day 204

 

- I hid above the lowered ceiling of a closet used to store emergency gas masks. I can smell the fear I have caused. It is beautiful.

 

- One of the reasons the Inquisition show such a keen interest in the Chapter is because we learn from all the primarch teachings, not just one. I mean all, this includes the traitor ones.

 

- I have studied the texts of Konrad Curze and I know how to screw with someone’s head.

 

- This some of the Inquisitors consider borderline heresy. Pretty rich coming from an institution that has been known to consort with deamons.

 

Day 205

 

- Broke into a cargo storage area today. There was a crew of chaos mutants moving the crates around. I killed every one of them.

 

- I have written in blood on the side of one of the crates ‘Death To The Enemies Of The False Emperor’. I then hit the alarm button. I want someone to find this.

 

- Being on a chaos vessel seems to just bring out the worst in a person.

 

- I watched down from the top of a pile of crates as they read the message. I wish I could smell their bemusement, but the smell of tainted blood is drowning everything else out.

 

- Hiding in one of the crates.

 

- I need to think of what to do now.

 

Day 206

 

- Have reached the conclusion that there is no future on a vessel full of my mortal enemies. This conclusion was easily reached. I now need to find a way off of this heretic filled barge. Or to sink it. Sinking it is a good second place.

 

- How does a chaos vessel navigate the warp? None of the Navis Nobillite went traitor during the dark days of the Horus Heresy and none have turned traitor since. This leaves treaty with xeno navigators, risky for all concerned, treaty with warp-things, feasible but tricky, or a slow warp jump computer, most likely.

 

- How will I get back to my Chapter? It’s a big galaxy. If I am still in the Imperium I can find my way home in the fullness of time. A lot of the galaxy is not Imperial.

 

- Before I left my brothers they were under attack by traitors. I hope they survived. I miss Chapter Master Cain Corby Sternist. He is the third CM I have outlived. I have seen Jophiel, Arthur and now Sternist die at the hands of traitors. There is no greater sin than treachery. At least the Inquisition got that right.

 

- I wonder who the next CM will be. I remember Sternists first words to me; ‘How the hell did you ever get to be a Marine?’

 

Day 207

 

- I have figured out what I am going to do. I am going to find whatever is steering this tub and kill them/it. If we are in orbit of a planet next time we hop back into reality I will nick a thunder hawk and land and then figure out what to do from there.

 

- I think I will head for the control centre of the ship. I will hopefully find some Alpha Marines along the way. I will kill them, thus taking a bit of retribution, or they will kill me, thus making the problem of escape irrelevant. To every silver lining there’s a cloud.

 

- Butchered several abominations on the corridors. God I love being armed, even if it is only with knives. Was it not the Fallen Angron who said ‘I am not getting violent, I’m just getting creative with weapons.’

 

- I can hear chanting. Following the sound.

 

- God I hate this ship. The walls are dark red the graffiti is any colour and sometimes glows and all and the lighting is inadequate. The corridors are all wonky. They snake around and seem to follow no sense of order at all. And the walls and roof are not even slightly level. And the floor is un-even.

 

- Following the sound of chanting. It is getting closer now.

 

Day 208

 

- Not entirely sure what just happened then. Seem to have blacked out. I am now holding a Chaos Marine bolter, I am covered in blood and there are a lot of people, all women of various ages between 14 and 60, naked (WHY, OH WHY DO I NOT HAVE MY CAMERA WITH ME!!) staring at me with expressions of hope, gratitude and/or awe on their faces. Did I just miss something fun?

 

- They have a really awful grip on High Gothic. From the accent, which is heavy enough to float rocks on, I would say they are speeking a language that descended, or later formed, Fenrisian. As I do not speak a word of Fenrisian or related languages this is not entirely helpful.

 

- I am getting the picture now. They were having their throats cut and were being pushed down a big pit in the floor in some sort of blasphemous ritual to ensure safe warp travel. Then I smashed the door down and butchered all the priests and a squad of Chaos Marines. I must have gone berserk. That’s not something I do often.

 

- On the positive side I now have a big gun. And did the mighty Dorn not say ‘If you can not dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.’

 

- I will not, however, wear the traitor armour. Not unless the ornamentation has been scraped of by a Cog-Brother, looked at by a Librarian and soaked in bleach for a month. Just to make sure no one is doing a Thousand Sons.

 

Day 209

 

- Gave all the women the weapons the other marines and priests were carrying. This part of the ship is ours.

 

- These women know how to use weapons. They were a convent of the Chamber Millitant of the Imperial Church. The younger ones were just getting recruited when they were kidnapped from the Schola Pragmantim.

 

- It seems they all at least know how to fire a weapon, even if they can’t aim worth a damn.

 

- Setting up a barricade in front of the door. This place has one door. These people are innocents and Chapter Mandate states that their safety now takes priority over plan to escape.

 

Day 210

 

- Going to cargo hall to look for oxygen masks. As soon as the captain notices that this bit of ship is not his the most effective thing to do would be switch the O2 cycelers off and let us choke.

 

- Went back to the cargo storage bay. I should probably find some clothes for the poor ladies as well.

 

- Found the emergency gas masks in the little alcoves in the walls. Found a box of overcoats. Got a Kreig passport stamp on the side. Bloody trigger happy nuke freaks.

 

Day 211

 

- After several trips back and forth everyone is now clothed and in possession of a gasmask.

 

- Told everyone to put gasmask on and keep it on. The potential for a gas attack is just too great.

 

- I have an idea. I have nearly 100 people trained to kill. We could capture the ship and fly back to imperial space.

 

- But there could be casualties. No. I will instead take the ship myself. I will sail it back to the Imperium on my own and go down in the history of my Chapter as the greatest marine who ever lived because I am going to capture an enemy ship with a 0 body count. Yeah, right.

 

Day 212

 

- Told the ladies not to let anyone in unless it’s me. Everyone else gets a bullet to the head.

 

- Why do people go over to chaos? I mean why? Yes their is the power and the satisfaction but the price... oh the price of soul and mind and body. Surely not worth it.

 

- I am wondering if I did the right thing leaving them there. I do not know how long I will be. What if I am not back and, because I left them, they starve? Such a thing is tantamount to murder. How do I even know where the damned control point of the ship is? How long will I be?

 

- This ship is a labyrinth. On the positive side I have ambushed 3 more Traitor Marines. One by kebabing his head (the fool had his helmet off), one by a point blank shot to the chest and the last was me waiting inside a storage cupboard for him to walk past and me shooting him through the door.

 

- That was fun for all of five minuets. No, wait. It was fun right till the first one put a hole in the right side of my chest. I can see the bone. And squishy things.

 

- This is just as boring as being back on the Sharp Blade. At least on the Chapters ship there was no risk of mortality.

 

Day 213

 

- Think I am getting closer to the command centre. This bit of the ship is in slightly better shape. Almost looks like it has been swept some time in the last 10,000 years.

 

- No this is not the case. I am just getting closer to the outside of the ship. I have a view of space from this window. So we are out of the warp. Possibly to get our bearings if I am on a ship with a slow warp drive. Or maybe because I have stopped their method of bribing the deamons of the warp.

 

- Pretty stars. Like dandruff on the shoulders of the universe.

 

- Is that star moving? And getting bigger? And heading right for us?

 

- HOLY CRAP!! It’s a ship!

 

- Its now pulled up right next to this ship and is firing boarding craft across.

 

Day 214

 

- I am running down to meet them. This could be a survivable way off this crud tub.

 

- Can hear heavy weapons fire and the thud of heavy power armoured boots.

 

- The hole in my chest makes whistling sounds when I breath.

 

- I hope to the Throne it is not the Dark Angels. Damn cross dressers.

 

Day 215

 

- Turns out the Chapter caught up with us. Which was nice.

 

- As I write this is am lying on an apocarathy work slab having half a dozen bolt holes closed because of Brother Keels lamentable skill at recognizing one of his own Battle Brothers and my left arm re-attached because Brother Victor got a bit enthusiastic with the power claws.

 

- Got another medal for saving the loyal servants of the Emperor on the ship. Then got all my debts removed for stopping the ship so my brothers could catch up.

 

- Got told there was only one casualty of the whole attack. The body of Chapter Master Sternist will be placed in the catacombs. His gene-seed has returned to the Chapter. May he dream his way to Heaven.

 

I will be glad to go home. If I remember rightly we all still have one day of the annual holiday left.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

While I did find a few parts slightly offensive, the story is good enough that I will read it anyway.

 

Also, it is bored, not board, unless you are misspelling that on purpose, of which that purpose will be later revealed to us... or so I presume.

 

Keep the story coming.

[Terrible_Trygon]

Quite a good read. Spellings is off here and there, but other then that, it's a pretty funny diary. Don't get why people were jumping on you for fluff breakage earlier, when this is obviously humour. But this site is about teh srs business... srsly.

[Capt. Lysander]

This was funny to read :P And in response to Dante being the oldest marine, he may not be, as there are just so many Space Marines in the world. Also, remember to put Space in front of the marine, otherwise it could be a Chaos Space Marine ;), in which case they are 10k years old.

[soddinnutter]

Day 216

Day 216

 

Still lying on the Apocrathy work slab. I am starting to get some feeling in my left arm. So now instead of it being numb it hurts.

 

Told the Apocrathy. He said it’s meant to hurt.

 

First heart stopped beating.

 

Told the Apocrathy. He said its because there is a lump of bolt shrapnel wedged in the middle of it.

 

For dinner was some ham and egg sandwiches and a flask of tea.

 

Going to try and get some sleep

 

Day 217

 

Got no sleep. Every part of my body hurts from friendly fire. Was it not the Noble Sanguinius who said: friendly fire seldom is.

 

Got told that I am back on the nutrient goop diet until my bones knit back together. Damn.

 

They stuck a sort of wire net thing along where one of my ribs is not anymore. I think the idea is that the blood deposits the nutrients on the wire and the new rib grows in the shape of the wire and the wire eventually dissolves.

 

Keel and Victor came to say sorry today. That is Keel said sorry; it’s quite hard to get Victor to visit this universe from where ever his mind is. But I am sure he would have said sorry if he was here. Reality is a nice place, but I understand why he no longer wants to live here.

 

Day 218

 

Just learned that we are in fact not going home but are in fact stopping of at Port Brassclaw to dump the chaos ship (that we are towing) on them for spares or re-building or whatever they want to do with it.

 

Tried to escape from the Apocrathy today. Got two whole paces before collapsing.

 

Got dragged back onto the slab and told not to be so bloody stupid.

 

Had my chest cut open to get some of the shrapnel out.

 

I am going to go out of my mind through boredom.

 

Day 219

 

Tried escaping again. I acutely go as far as far as the door today.

 

I would murder for a nice frosty pint of beer.

 

I can move the fingers in my left hand a bit now. Hurts like hell.

 

Started to read some of the Apocrathy books. I barely understand any of it.

 

Day 220

 

Just had surgery on my right leg to reattach the muscle and stringy things to the bone.

 

For dinner was mineral goop. Tastes like peat and rust.

 

Just started reading some of the inspirational messages on the ceiling: ‘Death is the consequence of being alive’, ‘Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway’, ‘Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent’...

 

Which sick bastard wrote these on an apocrathium ceiling?

 

Day 221

 

Just heard that Brother Benedict got into a lot of trouble with the captain for advertising Kool-Cola on his power armour. He got his ass kicked and told to scrape it off.

 

Librarian Gvon came to visit me. He says that we should be dropping out of the warp for a few minuets, cutting the stolen ship loose and setting sail for home.

 

Got a really big heavy wire cage attached to my legs with spokes going in to hold the bones in place

 

Got one for my left arm.

 

Day 222

 

My first heart has started beating again. Am now feeling much better.

 

Told the Apocrathy. Apocrathy Dvis said that that was a good sign and that now all I need is my second stomach, left kidney, left lung, right larrymans ear and right betchers gland to start working again and I will be ok. Am now feeling much worse.

 

For dinner was goop with bits in it.

 

Asked if I could guilt Brother Keel into fetching a beer from the dining hall. Got told ‘No. Not until more than half your innards are working properly.’

 

Day 223

 

Tried to escape again this morning I acutely managed to touch the doorframe.

 

Trying to follow the teachings of Lemon Russ: laugh at your problems. Imagine them happening to someone you hate.

 

I wonder who the next Chapter Master will be.

 

Day 224

 

Just had the pulped remains of my second stomach removed. I am going to have a new one.

 

Tried to escape again.

 

Got told that if I do not stay on the slab for the next week then I will have to be sedated for the rest of the trip.

 

I think he’s bluffing.

 

Day 225

 

Day 226

 

Day 227

 

Day 228

 

Day 229

 

Day 230

 

He wasn’t bluffing.

 

Woke up in the apocrathium of the Fort. Feel like I have a hang over.

 

Had the flask of goop. Feeling much better. Have got a new second stomach.

 

Managed to get Cog-Brother Fisk to bring a projector into the apocrathium. Started watching a re-enactment of the Badab War.

 

I missed the funeral for Sternist. May He Dream His Way To Heaven. Fisk brought me back a slice of cake but it’s just not the same.

 

Day 231

 

Started watching a comedy about some Mordian Imperial Guards posted on Ornsworld during the Gothic Wars.

 

Benedict and Drell have come to watch the comedy as well.

 

Drell brought some popcorn. I asked for some but he tells me that I am too ill for popcorn. What am I? Dead? I just think he is being selfish. No one is too ill for popcorn, its just strangely addictive cardboard tasting air for Gods sake!

 

Day 232

 

Just had the cage taken off my left leg. I can not say how good it feels to have freedom of movement in it again.

 

Started watching a series about some Necromundans living in one of the spires of Hive Secundus. Its called ‘Comrades’

 

Kwith and Fisk and Sarge have turned up to watch as well as Benedict and Drell. Apocrathy Dvis has also taken an interest.

 

Had the right side of my face ripped open so as to have the remains of my Betchers Gland and Larrymans Ear scooped out and replacements put in.

 

I am now deaf in one ear and I have to eat my dinner through a straw.

 

Day 233

 

Still watching ‘Comrades’. Apparently Sternist once bought the entire series in one box set (70 percent off limited special offer) when we went to Necromunda on a recruitment trip. He watched them all once and then left them in a cupboard to gather dust for the last 90 years.

 

Says 600 episodes on the box.

 

I miss Sternist.

 

Day 234

 

I think half the company must be watching the projector. It’s getting a bit crowded in here.

 

Just had a jagged chunk of metal the size of my thumb taken out of my kidney.

 

Drank some goop.

 

When I get out of here the first thing I am going to do is raid the pantry for some real food.

 

One of the last stage neophytes (one of the ones we recruited from Elyria a good few years ago) has just come in for his last implant. Poor lad. I remember when I had my Black Carapace installed. It was the single worst experience of my life (so far). Being riddled with bolt holes does not come close. First they remove pretty much all your skin then they get the Carapace and cut out pieces of Carapace from a big vat-grown sheet. Then they place the pieces on your flayed body. Then they put the skin back on. Then the Carapace starts to fuse its self to every nerve ending it can find.

 

And you can’t use any anaesthetic better than getting drunk for fear of poisoning the Carapace.

 

Everyone is looking at the Neophyte with expressions of pity.

 

Day 235

 

Looking at the neophyte has made me slightly happier about the whole friendly fire thing. Its put it into perspective. No matter how bad it is it can not be as bad as that.

 

Just finished watching ‘Comrades’.

 

Everyone has now gone back to what ever tasks they have been neglecting for the past few days.

 

Had lots more shrapnel removed.

 

Drank some goop. It had crunchy things floating in it.

 

Had the cage removed from my arm. It feels good as new.

 

Day 236

 

Just been told, by Apocrathy Dvis, that the new Chapter Master has been appointed. Its Argjak Ezekiel Frost AKA Frosty Jack / Jack Frost / Old Frostbite

 

To understand the respect (and bladder trembling terror) that Chapter Master Frost has from the rest of us you must understand how he came to us. The third child of a Wulfite and a Cadian Kasrkin he became the oldest Neophyte on record (97) already having great-grandchildren of his own. We have the best Apocrathys in the entire Adeptus Astarte and have never lost a neophyte during the transformation. We thought he might be the first. The gene-seed caused him to shed his age and he reclaimed his youth, all except his hair which is still white as snow. He is now about 790ish. Until yesterday he was captain of the 5th company. The scars an ork Power Klaw gave his face make his beard grow like icicles. He has never been beaten in close combat, ever, and we all try like hell to be the first. And he has cold greyish blue eyes. And a voice that he has never had to raise because it is so cold and terrifying to listen to. He is almost a personification of the old Winter Spirit Jack Frost in all his sinister magnificence. Needless to say the psykers said he was free of chaos taint before they even scanned him (which they were massively reluctant to do). They said that not even chaos could survive in that glacier of a mind.

 

That is what we now have as Chapter Master.

 

Day 237

 

Contemplating a future with that terror as Chapter Master. It’s as bleak as the slopes of hell.

 

Drank some goop.

 

Had the cages taken of my legs.

 

Was told everything has started working again.

 

Went to the larder and stole a big slab of beef jerky. Damn that’s good.

 

Day 238

 

Slept properly for the first time in forever.

 

Started munching on some of the sugary items I have stashed in the hollow wall.

 

Was going to go to the marksman’s range but it’s raining.

 

Went to see the Dreads. They were surprised to see me. They all thought I would be joining them in a more permanent way.

 

Played cards. Lost.

 

Dread Strappel had all the new paint stripped off his right arm during the battle on the ship. Can see his original etchings from when he was first made a Dread.

 

Asked him which company of the Raven Guard had the emblem of a wolf with a crescent moon in its mouth. He told me never to mention it again. Ever. It’s probably not important.

 

Day 239

 

Just received a message by astropath. An official representative of the Ecclesiarchy is on his way here.

 

Apparently they are going to be doing a survey or the Chapters beliefs. Great, a prod-nose god-botherer. Just hope they do not start asking questions as to what the hell happened to the Inquisitor.

 

For dinner was seaweed soup.

 

Rain is easing off a bit. Going down to the marksmans range.

 

My left arm is now slightly more crooked than it used to be. It is taking some getting used to with the aiming.

 

Day 240

 

Looked at the photo album today. Just occurred to me that all my friends are dead. There is no one left from the time I joined. Not even nearly. Everyone who really knew me has gone away and I can not follow them.

 

I am an old man. How did that happen?

 

Need to transfer all the photos to a new book I have added so man extra pages to this one its about a foot thick.

 

For dinner was some sort of poisonous tuba. Looked like a mutant potato.

 

Day 241

 

Went to visit the Dreads. They are telling jokes again:

 

How Many Sisters of Battle does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Three. On to change the light bulb and the other two to spend hours saying how much better at it they are than men.

 

How many Raven Guards does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Raven Guards aren’t scared of the dark.

 

How many heathen Eldar does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one. But in the good old days of the Great Empire a billion light bulbs would be changed at their slightest whim.

 

How many Tech-priests does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just one. But you had better be prepared to hear them go on and on and on about how light bulbs are not as bright as they were in the Dark Age Of Technology.

 

How many Inquisitors does it take to change a light bulb?

 

There is no light bulb. You saw no light bulb. There was never a light bulb there. You ask to many questions.

 

How many Dark Angels does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Ssshh. It’s a secret.

 

There are only so many bad jokes I can take. Left the room

 

Went to practice unarmed combat.

 

Got the crap kicked out of me.

 

Day 242

 

Went down to the marksmans range. Nearly back to my exacting standards of accuracy.

 

Spent a good few hours doing maintenance and repair rituals on the sniper rifle.

 

Painted the rifle green and brown.

 

Dinner was some sort of broth.

 

Decided that I need to tidy my room.

 

Day 243

 

Finished tidying room. Should be good for another hundred years now.

 

Going down to the lake to see if my third lung has fully recovered from surgery.

 

Seems to have. Wondering if I should have brought a bar of soap with me.

 

Going to spend some time just sitting at the bottom of the lake. Its quiet down here.

 

Day 244

 

Went back to the Fort just after dinner. Had some more of the sweet stash.

 

Been told that the Ecclesiarchy agent will arrive some time tomorrow. Now there is something to look forward to.

 

Replaced one of the swords in the training room with one of those inflatable rubber ones you get from fair grounds.

 

Sarge picked it up. Everyone laughed. He then belted me round the head with it till I said sorry.

 

Day 245

 

Ecclesiarchy agent arrived at about three in the morning. There is nothing like someone holding a clipboard to put people on edge.

 

I saw her and my hearts nearly stopped. She is the spitting image of my betrothed before I became what I am...

 

1200 years in the service of humanity but sometimes I can not help but wonder what it would have been like to have lived and died a human.

 

Retreated to the Dreads. They have decided to forgo their cards for the day and are playing a game of word association. Someone says a word then someone else has to say a word that is of relevance to it. If you repeat a word you are out. Last one standing wins.

 

It started off with Priest – Robe – Scribe – Quill – Feather – Kroot – Xeno – Heathen – Enemy – Deamon – Warp – Chaos – Inquisitor –Hypocrisy – Ecclesiarchy – Cathedral – Brick – Plank – Ogyrn – Abbhuman – Ratling – Small then I got sick of the game and asked to leave.

 

Day 246

 

Apparently the Ecclesiarchy agent asked to see the chaplain. Came as a shock to her to find out we do not have one. Why should we give those hypocritical god-botherers authority over us.

 

She acutely asked CM Frost who tends to the spiritual well being of the chapter. He told her that only the sick need doctors. But the thing is she acutely asked Old Frostbite. That takes nerves of steel. Got to give her credit for that.

 

Because we are entertaining a human visitor the food is more normal. Today’s dinner was Hotpot and bread.

 

The Ecclesiarchy agent, who is called Lizly, is now asking each of us how we, personally, view the Emperors divinity. If she is trying to acutely document what we believe then she is going to be disappointed. We are recruited from a hundred worlds and our beliefs are diverse. We tend to hold on to them.

 

Went down to the marksmans range. Aim is improving.

 

Day 247

 

Despite my best efforts I got asked if I saw the Big-E as a god and how did I worship. I may have made a mistake of answering truthfully. I said I did not see the Big-E as a god but as great man whose example we should try to live by. And that I have given six score centuries of being beaten, stabbed, stomped, burnt, shot, poisoned, electrocuted and generally maimed and mutilated in any number of exotic way by things that her worst nightmares are scared of for his people. The answer seemed to satisfy her.

 

Just coughed up a chunk of bolt shrapnel.

 

For diner was bacon chops and brussel sprouts. We always seem to eat better when we have a guest.

 

She is asking to see the private library. Unfortunately no one can think of a reason to stop her without it looking suspicious.

 

Day 248

 

Coughed up another shard of metal. Going to see an apocrathy.

 

He found a fair few lumps left in. Had quick surgery and they all eventually came out.

 

Astropath just got a cry for help from a nearby forge world. They have an ork problem.

 

CM frost says ‘It is our duties as warriors of honour to come to the aid of the distressed.’ Translated that means ‘If we help them they will owe us one and they might give us a special offer next time we have to buy anything from them’.

 

Ecclesiarchy agent has said that she wishes to come along to observe. CM Frost said that is ok but we will not go needlessly out of our way to protect her.

 

1st, 2nd, 5th and 8th are going to this party. Painting all the armour nondescript shades of grey.

 

Day 249

 

Found some old carapace armour for the priest. Priestess. Whatever.

 

Got sent to go and paint the dreads. We are taking Dread Waylum, Dread Jarq and Dread Oothgad.

 

Stuck an ‘I love chaos’ sticker on the Priestess’s back. She looked a bit annoyed when she found out.

 

Got told off by the captain.

 

Day 250

 

Been informed that we will be boarding the ship in two-ish days.

 

Went down to the marksmans range to practice with the sniper rifle.

 

Got told that I am pretty much perfect with that weapon now and that I should use a different weapon for a while.

 

Tried the Astarte signature weapon. The Bolter. Far be it to question our noble fore father’s choice of weapons but the Bolter is a great big heap of ass and recoil.

 

I hate Bolters. They are noisy, inaccurate, and loud and they smell wrong. There is a quiet dignity in the sniper rifle. But I will say this for the bolter; it is a massive improvement on the plasma rifle. At least bolters don’t blow up when you are holding them.

 

Day 251

 

Not a good start to the day. I got out of bed and missed the floor.

 

Actually getting better with the bolter. Still do not like it.

 

Went to dinner. It was Liver and Onions. Some one had replaced the salt with arsenic again.

 

Decided to go into the library. Found a book on the forge world we will be visiting. Its called Uthkog. It says that the air is un-breathable; the planet was never terra-formed. Main exports: pre-fab ship parts for the most part.

 

Found a picture. Sort of a grey ball of rock with brown clouds.

 

Day 252

 

Captain Tudno of the 7th beat twelve colours of crap out of Brother Gordan this morning for asking the priestess if he could ‘donate some of his own gene-seed’.

 

Went to see the Dreads. They are all playing cards. Strappel has had his arm repainted and he is looking shifty and slightly guilty. Quite an achievement considering he has no face.

 

They are all playing cards and reciting tales of past victories against the Greenskins.

 

Playing a very hard game of ‘threes and fours’.

 

I won two games in a row. Damn I’m good today.

 

Day 253

 

Had a hearty breakfast of Black Soup (pigs blood and vinegar).

 

Ship arrived. The Sharp Blade is in the Lokien Space Docks having maintenance and repairs done. The ship we are getting a ride on is what looks very much like a Luna class cruiser. You hardly see these any more. Most of them have been converted into Armogeddon class cruisers. It is painted red and has a cog stamped on it and some weird mechanicus writing.

 

Asked Cog-Brother Kwith what the writing said. It’s the ships name. We are flying in a ship called ‘Sack of Hammers’.

 

You can always tell a cog-head ship. The food is always syntho-food. Not touching it.

 

Told that we will be arriving at Uthkog in about three days warp permitting.

 

Day 254

 

Dread Waylum was smart enough to bring a scrabble board. Decided to join in with their game of scrabble. They were happy to let me. You need four for a decent game of scrabble.

 

Got into an argument about weather planet names should count. Decided against it. There is a world somewhere called anything. I once found one on a star map called ‘Another Bloody Rock’

 

Decided not to allow deamon names after Oothgad summoned the Deamon Prince Xevkazyk by accident. He materialized on top of the scrabble board. Thankfully for us he materialized in a room with three Dreads all armed with Las-Cannons. Quickest banishment ever.

 

Day 255

 

Decided to do nothing with the rest of my brothers. It was fun for a while but we decided to stop. We have a lot of time to kill and we do not want to use up all the fun in nothing all at once.

 

Sarge told us that just before we left we received word that two companies of the Knights Sanguine will be helping. If we had known that before I got on the ship I may have considered camping out in the forest until the ship had left. Those people are freaky.

 

Found the ship library. It’s entirely full of user manuals.

 

Tried some of the syntho-food. It has validated my inherent mistrust and hatred of it.

 

Day 256

 

Went back to the Dreads. Playing cards.

 

Dreads have moved on to Chaos Worshiper jokes now:

 

What does a Chaos Worshiper have in common with a slinky?

They are both fun to watch after you push them down the stairs.

 

How many Chaos Worshipers does it take to conquer Terra?

 

It is hard to say because despite 13 attempts they have yet to manage it.

 

How many gears does a Chaos Worshipers Baneblade have?

 

2. Stop and reverse.

 

What is the first thing you learn upon joining the Bloodpact army?

 

How to say ‘I Surrender’ in High Gothic.

 

What is the difference between a piece of toast and a Chaos Worshiper?

 

You can make soldiers out of the piece of toast.

 

How do you get a Chaos Worshiper to get down from a tree?

 

Cut the rope.

 

Discovered that the dreads all have the ultimate poker face. Going to find something else to do.

 

Went to the kitchens/mess hall. Brother Jared has got an assortment of different sized pans on the table in front of him and is holding a couple of wooden spoons and looking speculatively at the pans.

 

After a few false starts he managed to play ‘The Bells of St Gorge’ perfectly.

 

Day 257

 

As always the navigator has erred on the optimistic side. It’s going to be, hopefully, another day before we arrive.

 

Went down to the vehicle storage bay and wrote on the front of all the APC’s ‘!srennis ey ,tnepeR’

 

Started singing the ‘Speckled Frog’ song in the kitchens/mess hall with the rest of my squad. Much to the surprise of the priestess.

 

Brother Keeren of the 1st got punished for getting smashed out of his head on anti-freeze. As punishment he had to listen to the priestess recite the Litany of Tedium.

 

Day 258

 

Spent morning tying bootlaces together.

 

No one found out it was me. Damn I’m good.

 

Jumped back to Real Space.

 

There are no orky ships in the area. They came on a hulk. They left the hulk. The hulk left them.

 

There are a lot of orks on the surface. And I have seen ork WAAAGH!!s before and even by those standards this one seems a bit excessive.

 

Started to shuttle down in the Stormbirds. Yes we, possibly unique in the Chapters, still have Stormbirds. We never throw anything away that is useful. No even if it predates the Istavaan Dropsite Massacre.

 

Day 259

 

It’s bloody awful down here. Even we, with our three lungs, can barely breath this smog soup. Never taking the osmotic gill off.

 

Priestess has gone a funny pale colour from the smell. She has a full gas mask built into the carapace armour so she should be fine.

 

Going to see the Big Cog Head or what ever title it is forge worlders give their leaders.

 

The Priestess has been annoying Captain Zakaris. Captain Zakaris got a clip athwart the ear from CM Frost for making the comment ‘If I throw a stick, will you go away?’ I think that CM Frost thinks that if we get a good report the Inquisition will quit bothering us quite so much.

 

The architecture is pretty much what you would expect form a forge world. Ugly.

 

Met the Big Cog Head (Lord Technis), got shown a big map with the positions of the major ork hordes, Skiterii legions, key facilities but not the locations of the Knights Sanguine.

 

If I remember the Knights Sanguine they make excessive use of tellepoters. They jump in, butcher and then jump out before the blood has finished dripping off the ceiling. Favoured weapon: Pre-heresy style power-claws.

 

Day 260

 

The Orks are getting too close to a big fusion generator. The second company has been told we must defend it. The other companies are going on other missions. The Stormbirds are going to give us a lift and are then going to be used to drop bombs on orks.

 

Hey, this is my lucky day. I just found a copy of the Index Astarte lodged behind my seat. It lists ever Chapter in the Imperium and gives a brief description of them.

 

I just found us. It does not say much. The words ‘primitive philosophy’, ‘deviant’, ‘overly belligerent’ and ‘anti-authoritarian’ appear with depressing frequency.

 

Someone has been ripping pages out of this book the entire 11th and 2nd chapters are missing.

 

Day 261

 

I have just discovered an interesting philosophical question; why do feet smell and noses run? I shall have to give this some thought.

 

We have arrived at the generator building. It’s huge. And square. That’s about all you can say for it really. Going to the roof and taking up position. So are the rest of the scout squads. The Cog Heads at least built this big grey brick defendable. The only way to get any sort of heavy force up to it is this extremely big, wide and exposed road.

 

Everyone else is taking up positions in the buildings next door or in some of the extremely high up windows of this building.

 

Day 262

 

No sign of Greenskins yet. Maybe they could not read the signs and got lost.

 

This is either them now or someone sneezed on my targeting scope.

 

They are still coming. I barely have to aim.

 

They look to have let Brother Victor out with the power claws again. He is easy to spot. He’s the one in the middle of the ork horde running around and screaming.

 

Oh gods, they brought the Squigoths.

 

Day 263

 

Think that was all of them.

 

Only two real injuries to speak of; Brother Antony got a bolt to the gut and Brother Zander got his right leg ripped off by a “Killa Kan”. He is having it re-attached as I write this.

 

Stormbirds came to pick us up.

 

We are now going to an ork horde that is on the march towards... something or other. I wasn’t really listening.

 

For dinner was something out of a tube. It tasted unconvincingly of artificial beef.

 

I see what we are doing here. We are flying over them and jumping out of the plane and landing amongst them. Like a sedate Drop Pod insertion.

 

Not enough time to put Power Armour on. Thankfully. It makes my Black Carapace feel all funky, and not in a good way.

 

Day 264

 

Just had a power klaw dragged down my back. I am having stitches for it.

 

Brother Victor went missing in all the confusion and excitement. Hopefully we will find him before he damages anything expensive.

 

Getting back on the Stormbird and doing the exact same thing again.

 

Just about to jump out of the Stormbird and I have the tingly ‘someone’s screwing with the warp’ feeling. Let us hope they have not got any Wyrd Boyz with them.

 

We were halfway through butchering the orks when the Knights Sanguine beamed down all armed with their favoured weapon. Apparently they took a swing at some of us by mistake. Sergeant-Major Wayzin got run through the chest with a sword (one sword was present in the entire battle and he gets stabbed with It by accident. what are the chances?) and is going to have to wait in the Stormbird until his first heart heals.

 

Captain Zakaris just took a swing at their captain and seriously dented his helmet.

 

They all beamed out.

 

Going back to headquarters for additional instructions.

 

Day 265

 

Decided to eat some of the synto-food. It’s nice and minty.

 

Turns out I have just eaten three whole tubes of toothpaste.

 

Got back to headquarters. What looks like a high-ranking member of the Knights Sanguine is arguing with the Frosty Jack.

 

From what I can gather they are not happy that one of their captains is spitting his teeth out and we are not happy that one of our number had to have a bladed object pulled out of their chest.

 

Turns out after we are no longer needed here we are going to have to have a ceremonial duel.

 

Going to take out another horde on to the south. Water purification tanks need protecting.

 

Setting off in the Stormbird.

 

Day 266

 

Water purification tanks are in a massive building. Its huge and well built. As a result quite a lot of people are hiding in here.

 

This world is really doing my head in. My nose hates me. The entire planet reeks. Brother Bear, who has possibly the best sense of smell in the whole chapter, looks like he is about to either be sick or rip someone’s head of.

 

The local Skiterii are manning the defences on the walls. Weapons are being handed out to the people. They are very accurate. Most of them have one cybernetic eye to show they are citizens of the machine god.

 

This must be one of those more puritan Forge Worlds. I have not seen a single servitor since we arrived.

 

The surrounding area must be deserted. Everyone is in here.

 

No sign of orks yet.

 

Day 267

 

The wind is bringing the scent of orks. It’s not an improvement.

 

Can see them on the horizon.

 

Just got bombed. They built some aeroplanes. How the hell they fly at all is quite frankly beyond me. I have seen more aerodynamic potatoes. Even if they are painted red.

 

The skiterii with the big guns on the walls shot them down.

 

The horde is getting closer.

 

Just got close enough for me to pick off one of the big ones. That seems to work best with orks because then the other orks spend time having a fight over leadership.

 

They are still coming. From all sides. It’s a green tide out there.

 

They acutely managed to hit the door with the artillery. It must have been luck because they are not acutely aiming.

 

There are orks flooding through the hole in the door into a courtyard full of civilians (everyone else is manning the walls). Brother Jared decided to show off his prowess with a bolter by jumping into the courtyard full of orks and panicking civilians, put the bolter on full automatic, hold down the trigger and score a kill shot with 80+ per cent of all the bolts. And not hit any of the humans, that’s the important thing.

 

He nearly managed it. He hit what looked like a high-ranking Tech-priest in the right arm, severing it at the elbow. Thankfully it’s a cybernetic so it’s not that bad.

 

The sun is setting and still they come. Is this tide of horror never ending?

 

Thinning out now.

 

The stragglers are retreating.

 

Day 268

 

The company is being split in two. 50 of us stay with most of the skiterii and guard the water tanks. The other 50 go with a much smaller number of skiterii and escort the civilians to a more secure location.

 

Each sergeant is flipping a coin to see what their squad is doing.

 

Sarge got a tails. That means we are going for a walk with the locals.

 

And the planet still stinks. The stink is all pervading.

 

Set off. Being very aware of the potential for ambush. Last night we killed off all the stupid orks. The ones left now are the cunning ones.

[Jonas Stromclaw]

Where the feth do you come up with this stuff, its bloody hilarious?!? Oh, by the way, the word is "actually" (which is essentially a verification, i.e. this is what actually happened) not "acutely" (which means a very small angle). Keep up the good work!

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Soddinnutter don't stop now! This is great, keep it coming. I don't want to have to call in favors from Tzeentch ti make you do it either B)

[spjaco]

Always like reading this one. Finally decided to go on record and say so.

Very funny. Thanks for the laughs

[Terminatorinhell]

I love this story :) don't stop it!

[Draeden]

I'm unsure if Soddinutter is the original Author of Diary of a Space Marine. It's actually a story from a few years ago that's been on Fanfiction.net.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3477232/1/Diar..._a_Space_Marine

 

Good laugh either way but...

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

That means this is where it ends. Dang.

[soddinnutter]

I'm unsure if Soddinutter is the original Author of Diary of a Space Marine. It's actually a story from a few years ago that's been on Fanfiction.net.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3477232/1/Diar..._a_Space_Marine

 

Good laugh either way but...

 

I am the original Author. :)

 

Unfortunately I have run out of ideas.

 

Wretched brain refuses to function coherently. :)

[Brother Captain Ming]

Damn, that is the funniest thing I have ever read (40k wise anyway) and all I can say is: thank you! And I hope you don't mind, but I'm taking all those jokes you had to the local game store.

I hope inspiration finds you again, because I wanna know what happened with the priestess!

Oh, and most MREs probably taste like that synth food (I've had MREs, they were still better than whatever meat they were serving us in Saudi) so I can relate. :tu:

[gecko-artist]

:(

I am now sad. I've spent the last few days starting my workday off with reading this and now I've reached the end. Hopefully it is the end only for a temporary moment as it greatly improved my mood after a 2 hour commute. Find that muse and press on! I'd love to hear the continued adventures of the Lore Guard as there are plenty more enemies to fight and pull pranks on......