Index Astartes: Spectral Guard 2.0

[Brother Caleb]

I've been working on a 1.1 version of the IA to try and clean up and implement suggestions. However, as I write, I keep being led into the ill fated idea of trying to make my chapter an "unconfirmed" Space Wolves successor called Spectral Howlers.

 

Someone talk me down ;) :D

 

Perhaps, just a wolfy chapter from another genestock.

[Ace Debonair]

Don't throw away the name of the Spectral Guard.

That's what all those pushy IF successors want you to do. :lol:

 

I like the idea of this chapter. Honour is obtained through victory, not through how you get there. It goes against the grain, and is just edgy enough to make them really stand out amongst the sea of recent IF successors.

 

I have to agree with earlier comments, right now there is much too much focus on 'before' the chapter.

 

A chapter that deliberately gives the impression of being pushed back, emboldening the enemy and making them fall into traps is a cool idea. It's not usually a space-marine deal, but if written well (so it doesn't make you seem like the best chapter ever) it could be quite good.

 

Stick with it! :D

[ChaplainMathreyn]

However, as I write, I keep being led into the ill fated idea of trying to make my chapter an "unconfirmed" Space Wolves successor called Spectral Howlers.

 

Go ahead, do it!... If you like fleas... And heart worm medicine... Psssh... Also: Even unconfirmed, if you used actual Wolf geneseed, the Wulfen mutation would run far to rampant for you to control, or make it feasible (I believe, that is what happened to the Blood Angels; Their Black Rage and Red Thirst became so overpowering, that only a certain number of successors have been created before someone, the Administratum/Mechanicus, I assume, put an end to using the Angels...)

 

No. I really like the ideas you have so far; It's not a far-fetched, hard to swallow, gimmick. Keep at it...

 

Although, admitedly, '_____ Howlers' would have potential... During the American Civil War, the Confederates had their high-pitched 'Rebel Yell', which intimiated and scared Union soldiers... That's what I imagined. Har har har! Afterall, isn't there nothing more scary than 'sounds in the dark'... Especially, when those sounds are moving and getting closer! E-Gads! :rolleyes:

[Brother Caleb]

Don't throw away the name of the Spectral Guard.

That's what all those pushy IF successors want you to do. :lol:

 

I like the idea of this chapter. Honour is obtained through victory, not through how you get there. It goes against the grain, and is just edgy enough to make them really stand out amongst the sea of recent IF successors.

 

I have to agree with earlier comments, right now there is much too much focus on 'before' the chapter.

 

A chapter that deliberately gives the impression of being pushed back, emboldening the enemy and making them fall into traps is a cool idea. It's not usually a space-marine deal, but if written well (so it doesn't make you seem like the best chapter ever) it could be quite good.

 

Stick with it! :P

 

No. I really like the ideas you have so far; It's not a far-fetched, hard to swallow, gimmick. Keep at it...

 

Although, admitedly, '_____ Howlers' would have potential... During the American Civil War, the Confederates had their high-pitched 'Rebel Yell', which intimiated and scared Union soldiers... That's what I imagined. Har har har! Afterall, isn't there nothing more scary than 'sounds in the dark'... Especially, when those sounds are moving and getting closer! E-Gads! unsure.gif

Thanks for the encouragement guys. I've done my best to dial back the detail and trim down the 'before' section.

 

However, I've also decided to try my hand at a wolfy flavored, though not SW successor, DIY chapter that uses the SW codex after I get the Guard polished. I can't resist pursuing the Spectral Howlers. Guess I'm a glutton for punishment :wallbash: :P

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Before you do those, finish this. I would like to see this chapter be finished, and submitted to the IA, worthy of true Officiality!

[Sigismund Himself]

ogal Dorn is the progenitor of the Spectral Guard. The Guard traces its lineage through the Crimson Fists during the 25th Founding. The Guard takes great pride in this heritage. The Crimson Fists, some have said, represent the more level headed and less headstrong elements of Dorn’s original legion. Those who say this further suggest that the cause of this more controlled demeanor rests simply on the fact that the first generation of Crimson Fists consisted of the newer brothers of the legion. This understanding seems correct based on the overall mindset that the Fists passed on to the Guard.

 

 

Spectral Guard Battle Brother: 2nd Company, 6th Squad

 

Like the Crimson Fists, the Spectral Guard exhibits qualities worthy of Dorn. Guards pursue honor, nobility and devotion with the same fervor as their Primarch. However, they, like the Crimson Fists, lack the categorical stubbornness of the Imperial Fists. This divergence factored into the decision to commission Munus Lacus and his squad as the new chapter’s training cadre. He and the cadre displayed even less doggedness than the rest of the chapter, at least in the mind of the Crimson Fists.

 

Munus Lacus proved himself as a master tactician in the Inermis campaign. His most notable success came when he and his squad, all 1st company veterans, held a crucial water purification installation against invading orks for over 30 hours using stealth heavy squad based defensive tactics. His use of such tactics as blatant use of stealth and incremental withdrawals garnered him a reputation as unusually crafty. However, the Crimson Fists prefer standing tall and saw such tactics as unbecoming of one of their number. Specifically, Lacus’ Captain, Pertinax Adamans, saw his actions as borderline cowardice and began assigning him increasingly more dangerous missions, usually behind enemy lines. From that point on the future training cadre had plenty of time to master its “cowardly” tactics in isolation from their brothers. Not wanting his brothers’ honor and sacrifice to fade, Lacus began keeping a battle journal to document the bravery of his men and the tactical effectiveness of their efforts. When a brother fell he would recount from his journal some of the great feats of the fallen. He would conclude these readings with a short responsive prayer that he first used during the Inermis Prime campaign:

 

The Emperor strengthens…

Dorn protects.

 

The cadre grew to depend on a pragmatic principle, weighing every aspect of a fight with the final goal of victory. One learns to exploit every advantage when always outnumbered. Because of this growing schism in tactic and doctrine, it came as no surprise when Lacus and his men were selected for the training cadre of a new chapter. Lacus began his new duties right away, seeing this as a sign of the Emperor’s favor.

 

Shortly after the chapter became operational, they set from Terra without any real direction. Lacus and his squad turned command staff/honor guard retired for meditation and discourse. They discussed the developments that brought them to this point and what to do next. They decided to take a homeworld. Interestingly, Chapter Master Munus Lacus chose the Inermis system. He did not simply choose the system because it was the site of that fateful battle many years prior. The Inermis system sits close to the southwestern border of the Segmentum Solar, a stretch of space known for a fairly high amount of xeno and traitor traffic, as well as an excellent staging point to engage the enemies of the Imperium and defend Holy Terra should she ever be attacked. The Inermis system represented the perfect homeworld for the newly formed chapter.

 

 

This choice proved to impact the fledgling chapter in ways that none could foresee. Chapter Master Lacus commanded the new fleet to Inermis Prime. While traveling through the warp, Lacus found himself pouring over his numerous journals and contemplating his new chapter’s place in the galaxy. While a Crimson Fist, his brothers largely shunned him for retreating to present a stronger defense. They questioned his courage and saw him as unworthy of Dorn. Even the Imperial Fists knew of “Munus Lacus the Crafty.” In a moment of anguish over his place among the sons of Dorn, Lacus remembered a particular Foundation Day Feast on which the works of Dorn were read. Dorn’s words rang with honor as he recounted his time as the Emperor’s personal guard and defender of the Imperial Palace. Munus resolved that he and his new chapter would honor Dorn’s legacy as defender and guardian of the Emperor and Terra, in spite of how other chapters of Dorn’s sons might honor him. In its commitment to defending the Imperium at all costs the Spectral Guard pays homage to their great fathers.

 

He assembled the chapter before they arrived in system and told them of his contemplations. He spoke to strengthen their commitment to Dorn as “Imperial Defender.” He proclaimed that every brother who falls sacrifices himself on a defender’s alter and honors his fathers. Further, he declared that no tactic is dishonorable if it is effective. He concluded his speech with a passionate rendition of the now familiar responsive chant:

 

You can turn this into:

 

When Lacus was selected as part of the cadre gifted from the Crimson Fists to the 25th Founding, many felt that this move was due to a faction within the chapter that held his tactics of stealth as unbecoming of the Sons of Dorn. Despite his continued success with these methods, a growing rift was believed to have developed between Lacus and the Captain of the First. Viewing this opportunity as a gift from the Emperor, Lacus wholeheartedly began crafting the new chapter to his style of warfare.

 

I really don't think the Crimson Fists are that fanatical about stealth pre-Rynn's World though (not anywhere near the Imperial Fists). That's not the vibe I got from reading their fluff at least.

[Brother Caleb]

Before you do those, finish this. I would like to see this chapter be finished, and submitted to the IA, worthy of true Officiality!

Thanks for taking an interest, and the encouragement.

 

ogal Dorn is the progenitor of the Spectral Guard. The Guard traces its lineage through the Crimson Fists during the 25th Founding. The Guard takes great pride in this heritage. The Crimson Fists, some have said, represent the more level headed and less headstrong elements of Dorn’s original legion. Those who say this further suggest that the cause of this more controlled demeanor rests simply on the fact that the first generation of Crimson Fists consisted of the newer brothers of the legion. This understanding seems correct based on the overall mindset that the Fists passed on to the Guard.

 

 

Spectral Guard Battle Brother: 2nd Company, 6th Squad

 

Like the Crimson Fists, the Spectral Guard exhibits qualities worthy of Dorn. Guards pursue honor, nobility and devotion with the same fervor as their Primarch. However, they, like the Crimson Fists, lack the categorical stubbornness of the Imperial Fists. This divergence factored into the decision to commission Munus Lacus and his squad as the new chapter’s training cadre. He and the cadre displayed even less doggedness than the rest of the chapter, at least in the mind of the Crimson Fists.

 

Munus Lacus proved himself as a master tactician in the Inermis campaign. His most notable success came when he and his squad, all 1st company veterans, held a crucial water purification installation against invading orks for over 30 hours using stealth heavy squad based defensive tactics. His use of such tactics as blatant use of stealth and incremental withdrawals garnered him a reputation as unusually crafty. However, the Crimson Fists prefer standing tall and saw such tactics as unbecoming of one of their number. Specifically, Lacus’ Captain, Pertinax Adamans, saw his actions as borderline cowardice and began assigning him increasingly more dangerous missions, usually behind enemy lines. From that point on the future training cadre had plenty of time to master its “cowardly” tactics in isolation from their brothers. Not wanting his brothers’ honor and sacrifice to fade, Lacus began keeping a battle journal to document the bravery of his men and the tactical effectiveness of their efforts. When a brother fell he would recount from his journal some of the great feats of the fallen. He would conclude these readings with a short responsive prayer that he first used during the Inermis Prime campaign:

 

The Emperor strengthens…

Dorn protects.

 

The cadre grew to depend on a pragmatic principle, weighing every aspect of a fight with the final goal of victory. One learns to exploit every advantage when always outnumbered. Because of this growing schism in tactic and doctrine, it came as no surprise when Lacus and his men were selected for the training cadre of a new chapter. Lacus began his new duties right away, seeing this as a sign of the Emperor’s favor.

 

Shortly after the chapter became operational, they set from Terra without any real direction. Lacus and his squad turned command staff/honor guard retired for meditation and discourse. They discussed the developments that brought them to this point and what to do next. They decided to take a homeworld. Interestingly, Chapter Master Munus Lacus chose the Inermis system. He did not simply choose the system because it was the site of that fateful battle many years prior. The Inermis system sits close to the southwestern border of the Segmentum Solar, a stretch of space known for a fairly high amount of xeno and traitor traffic, as well as an excellent staging point to engage the enemies of the Imperium and defend Holy Terra should she ever be attacked. The Inermis system represented the perfect homeworld for the newly formed chapter.

 

 

This choice proved to impact the fledgling chapter in ways that none could foresee. Chapter Master Lacus commanded the new fleet to Inermis Prime. While traveling through the warp, Lacus found himself pouring over his numerous journals and contemplating his new chapter’s place in the galaxy. While a Crimson Fist, his brothers largely shunned him for retreating to present a stronger defense. They questioned his courage and saw him as unworthy of Dorn. Even the Imperial Fists knew of “Munus Lacus the Crafty.” In a moment of anguish over his place among the sons of Dorn, Lacus remembered a particular Foundation Day Feast on which the works of Dorn were read. Dorn’s words rang with honor as he recounted his time as the Emperor’s personal guard and defender of the Imperial Palace. Munus resolved that he and his new chapter would honor Dorn’s legacy as defender and guardian of the Emperor and Terra, in spite of how other chapters of Dorn’s sons might honor him. In its commitment to defending the Imperium at all costs the Spectral Guard pays homage to their great fathers.

 

He assembled the chapter before they arrived in system and told them of his contemplations. He spoke to strengthen their commitment to Dorn as “Imperial Defender.” He proclaimed that every brother who falls sacrifices himself on a defender’s alter and honors his fathers. Further, he declared that no tactic is dishonorable if it is effective. He concluded his speech with a passionate rendition of the now familiar responsive chant:

 

You can turn this into:

 

When Lacus was selected as part of the cadre gifted from the Crimson Fists to the 25th Founding, many felt that this move was due to a faction within the chapter that held his tactics of stealth as unbecoming of the Sons of Dorn. Despite his continued success with these methods, a growing rift was believed to have developed between Lacus and the Captain of the First. Viewing this opportunity as a gift from the Emperor, Lacus wholeheartedly began crafting the new chapter to his style of warfare.

 

I really don't think the Crimson Fists are that fanatical about stealth pre-Rynn's World though (not anywhere near the Imperial Fists). That's not the vibe I got from reading their fluff at least.

That's very concise. Several of my professors will thank you for this lesson. I guess I feel more detail is more believable, but perhaps it's just tedious. Some of the specifics origins of some of the Guard's practices are lost in this compression, but they could be alluded to when introduced instead packing in foreshadowing. I'll see about getting this in, and making the specifics of the faction issue clearer. I was going for an overall issue, stealth and withdrawals taken together, as the problem.

 

Thanks,

[Brother Caleb]

Vision 1.2 up. I really tried to focus on concision during the Origins section without sacrificing a facet of the Guard's culture or practice.

 

I've really appreciated the encouragement of Guard's conceptual level. However, feel free to critique on any level.

 

Thanks all,

[Brother Captain Josef]

A very well thought out and detailed IA. Could do with a bit of proof reading which I am more than happy to help you with though matey! Noticed the following on first read:

 

"When he chose Vet Sgt. Munus Lacus few attempted to show surprise. Lacus had fallen out of his Captains’ favor several decades prior by feigning withdrawals and utilizing stealth tactics with his squad."

 

I would suggest:

"When he chose Vet Sgt. Munus Lacus few attempted to hide their surprise as Lacus had fallen out of his Captains’ favor several decades prior by feigning withdrawals and utilizing stealth tactics with his squad."

It makes more sense in explaining why an out of favour sergeant was honoured with the supervising of a new chapter.

 

I really like the idea of: "Nice planet... We'll take it." Though I'm sure the Governor created a new Imperial Shrine rather than 'shine'.

 

I really like where you going with on this and shall keep an eye on your changes etc.

 

All the best bud

[Brother Caleb]

A very well thought out and detailed IA. Could do with a bit of proof reading which I am more than happy to help you with though matey! Noticed the following on first read:

 

"When he chose Vet Sgt. Munus Lacus few attempted to show surprise. Lacus had fallen out of his Captains’ favor several decades prior by feigning withdrawals and utilizing stealth tactics with his squad."

 

I would suggest:

"When he chose Vet Sgt. Munus Lacus few attempted to hide their surprise as Lacus had fallen out of his Captains’ favor several decades prior by feigning withdrawals and utilizing stealth tactics with his squad."

It makes more sense in explaining why an out of favour sergeant was honoured with the supervising of a new chapter.

 

I really like the idea of: "Nice planet... We'll take it." Though I'm sure the Governor created a new Imperial Shrine rather than 'shine'.

 

I really like where you going with on this and shall keep an eye on your changes etc.

 

All the best bud

Thanks for the offer to proof. I've never had an eye to catch my own missteps.

[ChaplainMathreyn]

Good read... Abit wordy, but a Good read. Whew!

 

I'll read it again, just to make sure, but I, honestly, couldn't find any really glaring fluff contradictions, either.

 

I wish I could come up with some alternatives, but, even though I've been speaking and writing it all my life, for some reason, I never seem to be very good with my English. <_< Figures. Psssh.

 

I really like how you've intertwined the tribes of the poles and the Chapter, itself... One thing though: Would the tribes, in their quest to find More water, sort of use similar style tactics that the Chapter does, against other tribesmen?... Maybe I just missed the reference.

 

You're really not supposed to just post to say "Hey good job", but... Eh, screw it. Hey, good job. It's believeable, fits snuggly into the Universe... I will read it more intensely though when I get off of work... Ahem.

 

Oh... And I like the situation with Pedro Kantor and the Fists... "Well, ummm... I guess he Did have Some good ideas we'll adopt... Although we won't admit it." Ha ha.

[Brother Caleb]

Good read... Abit wordy, but a Good read. Whew!

 

I'll read it again, just to make sure, but I, honestly, couldn't find any really glaring fluff contradictions, either.

 

I wish I could come up with some alternatives, but, even though I've been speaking and writing it all my life, for some reason, I never seem to be very good with my English. :) Figures. Psssh.

 

I really like how you've intertwined the tribes of the poles and the Chapter, itself... One thing though: Would the tribes, in their quest to find More water, sort of use similar style tactics that the Chapter does, against other tribesmen?... Maybe I just missed the reference.

 

You're really not supposed to just post to say "Hey good job", but... Eh, screw it. Hey, good job. It's believeable, fits snuggly into the Universe... I will read it more intensely though when I get off of work... Ahem.

 

Oh... And I like the situation with Pedro Kantor and the Fists... "Well, ummm... I guess he Did have Some good ideas we'll adopt... Although we won't admit it." Ha ha.

Thanks!

 

With reference to the tribal battle tactics; I deliberately avoided that detail hoping readers would assume a diversity of tactics similar to the diversity of ritual. I did try to allude to the diversity of tactics in the expulsion practices sidebar with the reference to the "more ferocious tribes." In any case, my point was to focus on their adoption of, and devotion to, their new heritage's tactics to emphasize where the tribesmen ended up not where they came from. Any suggestions on how to clear that up?

 

Regards,

[Brother Caleb]

I've gotten a good deal of positive feed back and I know that the grammar and language needs tightening, which I'm working on. However, I wanted to give the thread one more cascade down the forum's front page to catch any conceptual or fluff issues. :huh:

 

Also, I saw the Gauntlet Challenge. It appears I'm an accidental challenger to the "get an IA into the Librarium" contest :ph34r:. Wish me luck.

 

Thanks for all the help guys,

[Brother Caleb]

I've tightened the grammar and language up to par, I hope, and if there's no hidden conceptual issues, I think I'm ready for submission.

 

Any polishing help would be appreciated,

[Ferrata]

Okay, Sigismund has asked me to help out with a few IAs that have been submitted to the Librarium recently. This is my first Librarium edit over just plain feedback (I don't know the difference really bar the threadomancy).

 

During the 25th Founding, the order came down to the Crimson Fists’ 1st Company Captain to assemble a training cadre for a new chapter of the Astartes. When he chose Vet Sgt. Munus Lacus few attempted to show surprise as Lacus had fallen out of his Captains’ favor several decades prior by feigning withdrawals and utilizing stealth tactics with his squad. Though such practices proved successful, many Fists, especially the good Captain, could not bear the thought of retreating under any circumstances. Lacus began his new duties right away, seeing this as a sign of the Emperor’s favor. Once the new chapter was operation, it set out from Terra determined to honor its Primarch as victorious defenders instead of prideful crusaders or stubborn cadavers.

Okay, a few notes on this opening paragraph. First thing is you have not mentioned your chapter's name - the cornerstone of any opening paragraph(s). Unless you have some vital background that you need to get across, the chapter name should appear quite early on. In the actual IA itself, the first time you reference the Spectral Guard you simply say Guard, at first I thought you were referring to the Imperial Guard. This is simply fixed by adding this after new chapter, , the Spectral Guard,.

 

On my notes I have scribbled the words "so what?" next to this paragraph. It sounds harsh, but it was quick and simple to write. How much of this information is vital to the Spectral Guard? Okay, you want them to become hit and run experts so have mentioned this comes from their founding father - fine, that's good. But do we need to know that he had fallen out of favour and who had chosen him? Why not simply say: "The Spectral Guard were guided into the first wars by the stern hand of Manus Lacus, a veteran of the Crimson Fists. Unlike many of his brothers, Lacus felt at home in the shadows and had become an advocate of guerrilla warfare. This is what he taught to his sons."

 

Finally, why the hatred towards the Imperial Fists and Crimson Fists? I'm not sure how much this ties in later in the chapter as I am commenting as I read, but is it a vital part of the chapter? If so, great but you need to expand upon why. If it isn't, you can still nod towards it but maybe not so strongly about it. Really, it isn't a major issue just something that needs expanding upon. Why does he hate them? How does this affect the chapter?

 

The Inermis system sits close to the south-western border of the Segmentum Solar, a stretch of space known for a fairly high amount of xeno and traitor traffic. As the fledgling chapter entered the system it quickly realized that the sector’s reputation was well earned. Preliminary scans showed a sizeable Dark Eldar pirate fleet of in the system attacking Inermis Prime and enslaving its populace. Judging from the hastily gathered data, the siege had persisted for about a week. However, as the Guard would later learn, the attack commenced less than three standard days prior. The planetary defense forces accrued valuable experience fighting off xeno threats throughout the centuries, and put that experience to work against the pirates. Unfortunately, the fight seemed hopeless.

Would a system so close to the throne of mankind be allowed to remain so long in such a state? Traffic also seems to be out of place, activity would be better suited. Again, I feel like you are telling me information I don't really need to know. Okay, so they come to a system that has a Dark Eldar fleet raiding it, currently besieging an entire world. It seemed bad, but thank The Emperor for the Spectral Guard turning up to turn the tide. It isn't the worst crime to add more detail, but you need to make sure it is relevant detail to the chapter.

 

The Guard fleet broke the blockade and delivered the majority of the chapter to defend the Emperor’s citizens, while the new Chapter Master and honor guard led the untested 1st company in several boarding actions to cut off the enemy’s leadership and possible retreat. Both succeeded with casualty numbers expected of a chapter fresh from Terra. The ground forces used squad level tactics to reinforce PDF lines and stand against the raiders. Though these tactics proved very effective, the Dark Eldar threatened to overrun the lines. 2nd Company Captain Gerin Alumno ordered the Guard to withdraw from the PDF lines and defend the more integral sections of the hive. Thankfully, as the lines broke and the black clad fiends poured through, the 1st company raced toward the surface in the chapter’s full complement of thunderhawk gunships. The Guards on the ground released a storm of bolter and heavy weapons fire quickly gaining the enemies attention. The Guard withdrew deeper into the hive stacks, and the enraged Eldar followed. As the Guard turned to face their charging assailants, the thunderhawks closed off the rear flank, establishing an irresistible crossfire. Dark Eldar blood ran thick in the streets.

I feel like the Dark Eldar are playing a role here that could be played by anyone and they seem to be the ones who fit the least. Is there a reason for this choice? I've always imagined the Dark Eldar to be a lot more fleeting than this - blockades and sieges seem to be out of place. They would more likely swoop in, destroy and capture as much as they can in a short period of time and get out of there. This isn't saying they should never operate how you have them, but unless you need it to be the Dark Eldar, selecting someone else might allow it to flow better (especially given the stealthy tactics employed by the chapter would work better against Orks or humans).

 

You've fallen into a pothole that is highly populated - chapters very rarely use their entire force in one engagement. Even the Black Crusades or Wars for Armageddon only get a handful of chapters sending all of them to that Battle Theatre, and they are the biggest wars in the Imperium. It would make much more sense to this to be a company-sized attack - which is still a massive force of Space Marines (1/10,000 of all Space Marines).

 

I'm not sure what are so special about "squad level tactics". You mention it, but I don't get how this differs from normal tactics.

 

Battles aren't really that interesting to read about in the middle of an IA, you need to make sure you are precise and to the point. What are you trying to tell me about your chapter with this information? Is it simply an example of how they fight or something to pad out the Origins section? Does it mould who the chapter are, or does it settled them down? Make sure you know why you are writing what you are writing. The Origins section (along with Home World) are the greatest sufferers of too much information. Whilst most chapters will have long Origins sections as this details something about the chapter, they don't all need to be. The Castigators have a very short origins/history section, whilst their Beliefs section is longer than average - guess what is important to that chapter? The rest of this section "The Defense of the Inermis System" falls into this area as well. Why are you telling me all this information? What does it mean to the chapter?

 

Grammar/Spelling Points.

Personal choice on this one, but I always write The Emperor.

Southwestern needs to be separated (hyphen or space)

Planetary Defence Force needs capital letters

Don't use short-hands like Gov. or Sgt.

 

More feedback to follow later.

[Ferrata]

Today - Home world

 

Inermis Prime, the largest planet in the system, is one of the larger hiveworlds in the Segmentum Solar. Further, the planet holds the system’s seat of government in the administratum quarter of the one, all encompassing continent. The other inhabitable spheres in the system include two lush agriworlds, Esca and Diaria, and Inermis Prime’s second largest moon, Viridis Mmon.

Why are you telling us about Inermis Prime? Because the chapter has built their fortress-mon. there, yet you don't tell us for another three or four paragraphs about it. You need to focus this first bit on their true home world, and then go onto their main recruitment world. You need to focus on what effects the chapter and ignore information that doesn't. So here, talk about what cultural aspects have been absorbed by the chapter? Seating themselves at the heart of the systems Administration, have then become involved in that? They are a clear presence on the planet, and they have these tunnels to different areas, so is their fortress smaller than usual? Do they walk amongst the populace or have they become a legend?

 

Okay, I really hate to say this, but the rest of this section could really be reduced to a paragraph or two. What information do we need to know about Viridis? That it is a jungle world with two circlets at the north and south poles (like Furtim :)). The jungle is unhabititable so humans live in the circlets but resoruces are rare - with many youngsters abandoned to survive in the jungle. It is these abandonded souls that the chapter recruits. From the tribes of Viridis they have abosrbed their love of the ancestors. That is about all we need to know. You can flourish this with details about finding the jungle-temple (the chapter's fort) and fill it out with more words, but basically this is what we need to know. Then you need to ask, how does this change the chapter? Being born from abandoned souls, does this make them closer to one another than other chapters?

 

A few points here for the current story, if they were told those who are abandoned could become Space Marines, wouldn't loads of tribesmen walk of into the forest?

 

Whilst the detail about the chaplain is great, it really dilutes the home world section and isn't needed. A cool little sidebar about him would make more sense - maybe he has become a father like figure of the chapter? Also, most marines do not live passed 400 years so he will not be serviving for a 1000.

[Brother Caleb]

My pride, it burns.

 

Ferrata, you're so harsh and unforgiving; keep it coming. :wallbash: Feel the pain, love the pain.

 

I'm going to wait until you're done with the entire article so we can look at it as a whole. Some of your sectional critiques may, or may not, change as you view the whole story. There's no rush, I'm in the middle of my second semester of grad work.

 

Thanks again for the effort,

 

Edit: Also I have never heard of Furtim. Not that this excuses me, but I think it deserves some leniency :D

[Ferrata]

Edit: Also I have never heard of Furtim. Not that this excuses me, but I think it deserves some leniency

No, it means you have failed as a poster in Liber. Rule number 1 for Liber: Read everything ever written by Ferrata and love it unquestionably :) The Black Guard's home world is Furtim.

 

The Spectral Guard largely follow the dictates of the Codex Astartes. However, they prefer and excel at stealth based defensive maneuvers. They employ ambushes, secretive defensive positions, and incremental withdraws, using stealth to enhance their effectiveness. Because of the focus on stealth based and ambush tactics, scout training represents not only the beginning of a recruits training, but also the method of instilling the conceptual foundations of the chapter’s combat doctrine. On a related note, the chapter’s marines affectionately refer to the first section of scout training as “bait practice.” Additionally, each squad learns the value of strategic maneuvering and positioning over static or stubborn resistance through isolation on the battlefield. Squads are expected to operate without support to achieve their goals. This molds each squad into a self sufficient fighting force as it did with Munus Lacus and his men, and makes them even more deadly when working in unison with a larger force.

This is all good. The wording could do with a little changing, but the background is fine. I'll leave the main comments on structure for the next draft :ph34r:

 

Interestingly, it is widely speculated within the Spectral Guard that for several centuries after Munus Lacus’ departure from the Crimson Fists his general tactics were spoken of in derision by most Fists. This would mean that the now Chapter Master Pedro Kantor would have a working knowledge of Lacus’ deployment procedures. Some go so far as to assert that after the decimation of the Fists at Rynn’s World, Kantor intentionally and pragmatically adopted tactics similar to Lacus instead of chasing down the Waaagh! and fighting to the last man. Of course the vast majority of the Fists deny this claim, but there does appear to be similarities in the way Kantor currently deploys his specialist heavy numbers.

I don't think this is a terrible idea that needs be removed completely, but at the moment it is rather obtuse. First, the 25th Founding probably happened a 1000 years before the 26th, which itself was about 250 years before Rynn's World destruction. As marines do not live more than 400 years (in general) Kantor and Lacus would have never crossed paths, even a veteran Lacus and a Scout Kantor. You could hint at something like this, along the lines of Many Spectral Guard suggest the newfound tactics of the Crimson Fists are best heavily on the works of Lacus, the Fists, however, strongly refutre the point.. Although, this does make both chapters seem damn pety.

[Walter Payton]

Thanks for the offer to proof. I've never had an eye to catch my own missteps.

 

Run the thing through spell checker-copy and paste it. Then proof read it. That's what I did with my own chapter, and, yes, it is one helluva drag but it is sure as bally 'ell worth it guv'nor.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

It makes for interesting reading.. I particularly ike the clolour scheme too.

 

I'm quite impressed to be honest, it's far better than anything I've ever come up with... <-- Annoyingly I'm saying that alot lately :ph34r:

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I'm quite impressed to be honest, it's far better than anything I've ever come up with... <-- Annoyingly I'm saying that alot lately :nuke:

 

It's ok juan buddy! Its ok! ^_^

 

Sorry. I got bored.

[Brother Caleb]

No, it means you have failed as a poster in Liber. Rule number 1 for Liber: Read everything ever written by Ferrata and love it unquestionably tongue.gif The Black Guard's home world is Furtim.

Third person self reference, nice!

 

Run the thing through spell checker-copy and paste it. Then proof read it.

 

I produce in word and proof before I post in a preview to change the format and allow me to see mistakes better, but I still fail.

 

It makes for interesting reading.. I particularly ike the clolour scheme too.

 

I'm quite impressed to be honest...

 

Thanks.

[Ferrata]

Okay, the rest of the article is fine in content, although I would re-word sections of it. The first half of the organisation really fits more into beliefs and I think it will be good to see how these two belief systems mesh in the chapter. With the organisation, focus on the idea that you never leave your squad. Where do Veteran Sergeants for scout squads come from? Does this mean Terminator Squads are below strength or do squads merge (and if they do, who becomes the sergeant?). What if one person shows Devastator skills and another Assault Skills? Do they just have to suck it up?

 

Overall, I do like this chapter and it shows really good promise. I like the core theme but you keep telling me information I don't need to know and not telling me the information I want to know ;)

[Brother Caleb]

Okay, the rest of the article is fine in content, although I would re-word sections of it. The first half of the organisation really fits more into beliefs and I think it will be good to see how these two belief systems mesh in the chapter. With the organisation, focus on the idea that you never leave your squad. Where do Veteran Sergeants for scout squads come from? Does this mean Terminator Squads are below strength or do squads merge (and if they do, who becomes the sergeant?). What if one person shows Devastator skills and another Assault Skills? Do they just have to suck it up?

 

Overall, I do like this chapter and it shows really good promise. I like the core theme but you keep telling me information I don't need to know and not telling me the information I want to know :)

Sorry for the exceptionally long delay. My grad work got time intensive. But now I should have time to implement your suggestions and work on the next round of editing.

 

Thanks for your patience Ferrata,

[Brother Caleb]

Fresh draft.