Index Astartes: Spectral Guard 2.0

[ChaplainMathreyn]

Just as a note... I once heard Ferrata divided by 0... And it almost destroyed the time/space contiuum we all know and love... Jerk...

 

Anyways... It has been a little while since I logged into these forums, and looked over your Chapter... And it is really, nice. Congrats! ... I'll see if I can "Titanic-ize" the article, and make it sink, but I must say, just running over it, Grats. /golfclap.

[Ferrata]

Just as a note... I once heard Ferrata divided by 0... And it almost destroyed the time/space contiuum we all know and love... Jerk...

That had better been made in jest, otherwise we need to have a little talk about constructive discussion :(

 

I'll be having a re-read of the chapter at some point over the weekend, so you might want to prepare yourself :D

[Brother Caleb]

Just as a note... I once heard Ferrata divided by 0... And it almost destroyed the time/space contiuum we all know and love... Jerk...

That had better been made in jest, otherwise we need to have a little talk about constructive discussion ;)

 

I'll be having a re-read of the chapter at some point over the weekend, so you might want to prepare yourself :D

Spiky Dorn, hold me. ;) :(

[Ferrata]

Overall, a much better article. I feel like you were actually telling me the information I needed to know instead of berating me with long sentences about obscure cheeses of the far west.

 

Maybe a sneaky reference at the end of this sentence might be nicely placed, and ensures that novice readers who don’t know the dates and think the Crimson Fists are a reasonably sneaky force.

 

Over several decades Lacus developed a pragmatic affinity and comfort with covert warfare not typical among the ranks of the Fists until after the destruction of Rynn’s World.

Also, I would suggest moving the name of the chapter until after Lacus takes over the chapter, as it fits too nicely with his style of warfare not be thought up by him. Something along the lines of;

 

Naming the new chapter the Spectral Guard reflecting his preference to taking to war.

I’m not sure whether they would leave Terra, or even if they had ever been there. Not a massive issue, you could always pretend it is more poetic licence than anything else.

 

I don’t like the term “On a related note”, it seems really out of place.

 

I'm still not sure about the length of the Origins section, now it feels like it is a little short. I don't think the chapter suffers from having a short origin section, but I'm not sure if an elongated one section would make the chapter better.

[Brother Caleb]

Overall, a much better article. I feel like you were actually telling me the information I needed to know instead of berating me with long sentences about obscure cheeses of the far west.

 

Maybe a sneaky reference at the end of this sentence might be nicely placed, and ensures that novice readers who don’t know the dates and think the Crimson Fists are a reasonably sneaky force.

 

Over several decades Lacus developed a pragmatic affinity and comfort with covert warfare not typical among the ranks of the Fists until after the destruction of Rynn’s World.

Also, I would suggest moving the name of the chapter until after Lacus takes over the chapter, as it fits too nicely with his style of warfare not be thought up by him. Something along the lines of;

 

Naming the new chapter the Spectral Guard reflecting his preference to taking to war.

I’m not sure whether they would leave Terra, or even if they had ever been there. Not a massive issue, you could always pretend it is more poetic licence than anything else.

 

I don’t like the term “On a related note”, it seems really out of place.

 

I'm still not sure about the length of the Origins section, now it feels like it is a little short. I don't think the chapter suffers from having a short origin section, but I'm not sure if an elongated one section would make the chapter better.

I do love cheese.

 

I implemented your suggestions and added two sentences in the Combat Doctrine to beef up the "squad level tactics" angel.

 

Regarding Origins, I have been trying to flesh that out more, but everything I come up with seems forced and violates previous corrections about "don't get into battles" and "only tell me what's important." :lol:

 

Thanks again for the second look.

[Brother Caleb]

Gave it another proof read.

 

Hoping we're almost done. I've never been "published" before. :)

[Brother Caleb]

So, am I ready for the Librarium? :lol:

[Brother Caleb]

I'm considering using the Kor'Sarro Khan rules rules to represent the Guard Chapter-Master because of the chapter's preference toward outflanking. However, Chapter tactics is a good representation of the Guard's pragmatic approach to battle.

 

Any thoughts?

[Ferrata]

My only major concern with the current IA is the massive sidebar for Lacertus Vires. You have more words on him than the chapter's beliefs, organisation...in fact only the Home World section is longer. I ran a few numbers and got the following results.

Word Count

Origins	140	6%
Homeworld	526	22%
Combat Doctrine	397	17%
Beliefs	356	15%
Organisation	270	11%
Gene Seed	131	5%
Battle Cry	89	4%
Lacertus Vires	481	20%
Total	2390

 

Are you trying to tell us that one person in the history of this chapter is so important he is worth 1 in every 5 words to be about him? If he is, then that is fine and I would make him his own section instead of a side bar. If he isn't there needs to be some rebalancing of the Word Count.

[Brother Caleb]

Is 312 small enough? I may need help to get it any smaller.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Is 312 small enough? I may need help to get it any smaller.

 

Why is he so important to the IA?

[Brother Caleb]

Is 312 small enough? I may need help to get it any smaller.

 

Why is he so important to the IA?

Are you referring to the structural issue that Ferrata brought up, or the content of the section? If you refer to the content, I felt his view really exemplified the view of all new recruits and displayed the 'why' behind the very strong connection these marines have with their heritage. Plus, I thought it helped even out some focus away from Lacus. Further, I just thought it was a nice bit of fluff. Do you have any suggestions?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I'm talking about the overall inclusion of such information.

 

I honestly don't see what the sidebar adds to the IA as a whole, yes there is detail about recruiting et all but such can be included in the homeworld section. So what does this detail about the mAster of Sanctity add?

[Brother Caleb]

I'm talking about the overall inclusion of such information.

 

I honestly don't see what the sidebar adds to the IA as a whole, yes there is detail about recruiting et all but such can be included in the homeworld section. So what does this detail about the mAster of Sanctity add?

Either I'm not communicating what I think I'm communicating in the sidebar, or the information is redundant. Perhaps you could help me see which is the case. Have I already hit this information, or is getting a more narrative view of the recruit's religious understandings unnecessary? Have I not communicated that narrative properly?

 

Thanks for the criticism,

[Ferrata]

The following is what I wrote in the Black Guard IA about one of their special characters. Just under 150 words in a 6000 word IA (iirc).

Chief Apothecary Argyrus

Argyrus is a figure of great awe and respect within the Black Guard, holding the title as the eldest member of the chapter not entombed in a Dreadnought, and being the leading expert in genetic purity. Over the last half millennium he has been dedicated, even in comparison to his obsessed brothers, to improving the state of the chapter’s gene-seed, coinciding with his research into the effects of the Eye of Terror upon the genetic material of the marines.

 

He has been a valiant warrior on the battlefield, though his age is being to cripple his active service, instead residing himself to the improvement of the purification techniques. When he is deployed to battle, he is a shining beacon of valour for the chapter, from the youngest recruit to the eldest veteran. Many believe he is the greatest hope within the chapter to achieve genetic purity.

 

I'm not saying it is a perfect length, but sidebars are meant to be small snippets into more detail than is actually needed in the IA. If this guy is important, sure write about him but you need to do it very bruntly.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I'm talking about the overall inclusion of such information.

 

I honestly don't see what the sidebar adds to the IA as a whole, yes there is detail about recruiting et all but such can be included in the homeworld section. So what does this detail about the mAster of Sanctity add?

Either I'm not communicating what I think I'm communicating in the sidebar, or the information is redundant. Perhaps you could help me see which is the case. Have I already hit this information, or is getting a more narrative view of the recruit's religious understandings unnecessary? Have I not communicated that narrative properly?

 

Thanks for the criticism,

 

Any criticism I give is subjective to my own way of thinking, so unfortunately nothing aid is ever going to be concrete unless it's about background.

 

What I'm trying to get across is that - in my eyes, remember - there is nothing in the sidebar that really serves a purpose for it to be of such length. The character is purely incidental, I don't feel as if I need to know about him and the other information conveyed can be done elsewhere.

[Brother Caleb]

I don't feel as if I need to know about him and the other information conveyed can be done elsewhere.

Well, let's try going without it and see how it works. If it turns out to provide needed texture, I'll reintroduce it.

 

Let me know what you think,

[Brother Caleb]

Any other issues?

[Brother Caleb]

Shameless self bump. Still hammering out the final details for Librarium submission.

[Brother Caleb]

Shameless self bump. Still hammering out the final details for Librarium submission.

This.

[Brother Caleb]

^^

[Ferrus Manus]

Apologies for taking a while, I've been busy with Uni...

 

Origins

 

We are the Emperor’s protection incarnate and Dorn’s legacy.

A minor point, 'Emperor's protection incarnate' is a bit long winded. Why not something like the Imperium's protectors?

 

the order came down to the Crimson Fists’ 1st Company Captain

Crimson Fists' 1st Company Captain is also their Chapter Master. Also, since this is pre-Rynn's World Incident, why was a Vetern Sergeant chosen instead of a Captain, who has proven leadership qualities at a larger scale than a 10-man unit?

 

Over several decades Lacus had developed a pragmatic affinity and comfort with covert warfare not typical amongst his brothers until after the events on Rynn’s World.

I've seen this so many times it's almost a cliche now. A lot of Chapters seem to have a 'rogue' Captain who has slightly different methods to the rest of them for use in DIY foundings. Honestly, why does he need to be noticeably different to the rest of the Chapter?

 

The chapter responded to a distress call from Inermis Prime, where the Guard employed Lacus’ brand of covert tactics to reinforce the planetary defense force.

Since the Chapter is a pronoun it needs a capital, everytime. Also, Planetary Defence Force is a name. It needs capitals to. I saw a lot of instances of this throughout the article, with different titles read through and find them.

 

Homeworld

 

Though these are often fleeting, such is the brutal nature of the wars that ravage Viridis.

What are you referring to when you say 'these?'If you mean war then you should join this and the previous sentence together.

 

If they survive the trek, they earn the right to join the Guard as marines or vassals.

Please don't use the word trek, it's far too informal for this sort of writing.

 

I'm going to stop there.

 

++++++

 

To be blunt, I'm only two sections in and I'm bored. I'm finding it hard to find your theme and their uniqueness from other Chapters. They just seem to be a stealth Chapter who want to protect the entire Imperium - there's quite a few like that.

 

What makes your Chapter different? What makes them who they are? Where is their soul?

[Brother Caleb]

To be blunt, I'm only two sections in and I'm bored. I'm finding it hard to find your theme and their uniqueness from other Chapters. They just seem to be a stealth Chapter who want to protect the entire Imperium - there's quite a few like that.

 

What makes your Chapter different? What makes them who they are? Where is their soul?

I get what you're saying, but it seems that you stopped just short of where the chapter's unique "soul" emerges. Maybe give it a full read before writing them off entirely.

 

If you see what I'm getting at, perhaps you can help me introduce their theme sooner.

 

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Sorry for the delayed response; law school devoured my life for a bit.