change of name

[bloodred0114]

The chapter is now called the Archangels (once the highest level of warrior in the chapter) instead of the Earth’s warriors. The following is a section of fluff from the short story I am righting. So please give some feedback.

 

 

 

 

The sun slowly crept over the treetops of the ancient city of Marcrotus, the streets gleamed with the light, drinking it anew after a long night of harsh darkness. The air in the city seemed to breathe a sigh of relief as the buildings felt the warm touch of the suns light. Sergeant Valdar watched from his rooftop perch blending perfectly into the shadows of the building he now stood atop. Though he had lived for more than two standard centuries and seen many a sunrise, he was still impressed by the sheer power nature could convey just by bringing about the light all beings took advantage of everyday. He smiled at his wondering thoughts and started reciting the linty to the emperor to refocus his mind on the battle. His black armour gleamed from the dew that had condensed on the surface of the ancient suit. He stared down into the heart of the once great city that he now stood atop the streets now were covered by the leaves of the approaching jungle and the dirt of many years of abandonment. Valdar had been careful to cover up all evidence of his approach to the building, there were no footprints no scuffmarks nothing to give him away to the approaching marines. For the past week the training exercise had been going on all over the chapter planet of the Archangels, and today was the last day of the competition. Valdar had never lost in one of these exercises and did not plan to in the near future, and most certainly not to the young trainees that had been trying to track him for the past three days. He smiled thinking that now he could get the drop on them and not the other way around as they expected. Valdar primed his bolter for firing, the other marines should be here within the hour. He laughed at his own over anxiousness for his opponents to arrive. He waited for an hour in quiet prayer and contemplation on the rooftop and it’s single story vantage point. As the hour drew to a close Valdar herd the crunch of a tree branch from the outskirts of the city and readied himself for combat once again. “watch yourselves men he could be anywhere.” Valdar heard their leader say, “sir why do you think he is here? We lost his tracks more than eight kilometers away, we have no evidence that he came anywhere near here.” Said another of the approaching marines, Valdar could see them now, there were three of them, all without helmets, approaching warily from the eastern outskirts of the city. Their black armour dulled even more from the lush green of the jungle that framed their bodies. Valdar waited until they were within feet of his rooftop perch before springing his trap. Valdar’s first paint shell hit their leader square in the shoulder pad and spun him about and to the ground, the second streaked over the head of the shorter of the remaining marines and hit the taller of them in the middle of his chest, the shorter marine was taken by a shell to the abdomen and one to the shoulder, Valdar stepped over his prone body and checked all of the downed marines. All of the marines had followed the rules of this ritual exercise to the letter by shutting of all vox gear and remaining on the ground until instructed otherwise. “you may rise brothers, you have all fought valiantly” valdar commented in his gravely voice made all the more so by his vox speakers on his helmet. He watch as the marines slowly rose off of the ground with a grace that did not seem to match their grate size. “Brother Archinz” said Valdar “take your men back to the main hold and pray that you never make that much noise in a real battle.” Valdar’s words were punctuated with a laugh and were said with a smile, though the men he was talking to could not see it. “I must congratulate your group for having stayed out here for so long, most groups of new initiates would not last past the first day.” Said Valdar “but your men not only survived the first day, you lasted until the last day, against some of the strongest battle brothers this chapter has to offer.” Valdar reached his hand to shake the hands of his new squad, as a veteran of many campaigns Valdar was to tutor these young marines in the way of battle, and had just given them their first lesson, don’t chalange your training sergeant.

[Capt. Lysander]

Nice work: However, try to make indents for paragraphs, instead of a huge paragraph, as this makes it easier to read. Besides a few grammar and capitalization mistakes, it is quite good: you're getting there!

[bloodred0114]

thanks, sorry about the mistakes but oh well can only do so much, and spelling has never been the best from me, yes I think I should have worked it into more than one paragraph but did not have the time in school to do any edits, will post more when finished (will be in multi-paragraph form :wallbash:)

[Capt. Lysander]

No problem. Will look forward to further work ;)