IA: Iron Angels

[Captain Juan Juarez]

EDIT: Put the edited Tally sidebar in the IA.. Rejigged the layout to move the colour scheme further down, so that it all doesn't bunch up.

 

EDITED EDIT: It's usually premature, but I'd like to think - spelling checks permitting - that I'm pretty much done.

 

EDITED EDITED EDIT: Added in a second colour scheme, for a Termie in the Household of the Chapter Master and also been through to check spelling et al.

 

Thoughts?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Unless there are other thoughts, I'm considering submitting this to see how it does.

[Octavulg]

If you submit it, you're going to end up with me (well, chances are). Shall we just skip the process?

 

For a Marine as disciplined as Captain Garr the world of Jericia was almost like a form of bliss; the people tough and hardy, disciplined beyond what he had come to expect of unaugmented Humans and following a code that the Captain could readily identify with.

 

This feels like you're leading into the home world. It's OK that you're not, but you do need to make the transition to the next paragraph a natural one. Throw in a quick bit about them setting up shop and it'll feel less jumpy.

 

All the anger and talk of honour drained from Garr when the Magos produced an edict bestowed by the Emperor himelf: The Adeptus Mechanicus were granted sole monopoly on all techonolgy within the Imperium. So with a heavy heart, yet honour intact, Captain Garr consented to the withdrawl of the technology under the direct supervision of the Techmarine contingent of the Chapter; allowing as many townships to be saved from destruction as possible.

 

Questionable. Adeptus Astartes home worlds are pretty much the sole purview of a Chapter. He'd be well within his rights to say that that was all very well, but the worlds of the Adeptus Astartes were not the worlds of the Imperium - they were worlds of the Emperor, held in trust for the Imperium by the Adeptus Astartes, and thus the Adeptus' claim would have no validity.

 

I mean the Badab War started over taxes, IIRC (look it up - it's very relevant here). I think he'd be able to muster some serious support from other Chapters here.

 

So was the first true link forged between the Iron Angels and Jericia, with every Chapter Master that followed also given the honourary title "Champion of Jericia".

 

A self-granted title is hardly that impressive.

 

The Chapter calls Jericia their homeworld, the world lying between Cypra Mundi and Mordia.

Jericia is a cold, hard, world of mountains populated by a people with a level of technology only a few grades below that of the Imperium.

 

The Imperium's technology varies wildly from world to world. They have the Stone Age to the Quantum Singularity Age. That's a meaningless statement.

 

There is only a single level area of land upon Jericia; the flattened mountain range where the Fortress-Monastary of the Chapter lays. The rest of the world covered in mountain ranges of varying heights and lengths and it is upon these ranges that the natives have their homes which are known as townships, with bridges joining them all to a greater or lesse degree. Now, where once they operated using ancient grav technololgy, the townships are all but bolted artlessly to the mountians; heritage surrendered for survival.

 

Again...this really doesn't make any sense. At all. Only if there's virtually no water, and honestly not even then. Lots of mountains and big oceans would. Lots of mountains with big plains that are for some reason unlivable would. This doesn't.

 

Whilst as a world Jericia consists of mountain ranges beyond number, there are also a number of rivers and lakes formed in the valleys between the ranges; it is a status symbol, in fact, for a township to reside near a river or lake and many a battle has been fought over the waters of Jericia. These waters though, over the course of millions of years, are slowly eroding the mountains that the natives call home.

 

Rain and air erodes mountains. Rivers, not so much. Gravity makes it tricky.

 

Jericians practise a very specialised form of inter-township warfare, involving the use of a mode of personal transport that at first seems very similar to the Astartes jump pack. This involves a single-use of a pair of aerodynamic wings for gliding which, when coupled with a single-shot rocket booster for lift off, enables a Jerician Warrior to launch from the ground and glide into his target over any defensive fortifications.

This has led the Jericians to develop a fast, pinpoint, style of warfare where the head is taken before the body can react and this, like many other facets, has worked its way into the Iron Angels.

 

That doesn't really seem similar to the Astartes jump pack...

 

Though the Chapter possesses a homeworld, the Iron Angels retain a fairly powerful Fleet element including the flagship Battlebarge Foe Bane and nine Strike Cruisers; this enables every Company to operate independantly aboard a Strike Cruiser barring the Tenth Company which remains the Training Company.

 

Nine? That's a lot.

 

The Tally

 

The Tally feels like a very informal and colloquial name for such an important document.

 

"When all else fails, honour is our faith."

- Captain Gurak, Third Company.

 

'We put our faith in honour' might sound a bit more natural.

 

Though the Iron Angels draw much from their homeworld, there are some elements that have not made their way into the Chapter such as the caste system. The Iron Angels, like every other Chapter, operate the system of meritocracy whereby the person with the skill is given the job - even the lowliest Scout can become Chapter Master if he possesses the right aptitude.

 

Actually...are certain castes forbidden from competing for spots in the Chapter, or are all welcome? I'd expect the Chapter to be dominated by the Warriors.

 

The loyalty of the Chapter is a complex thing in its entirety, but to the outsider appears very simple; loyalty is first and foremost between Squad and Company much in the way a Jerician feels towards kind and township.

To an Iron Angel the greatest loyalty, though never the first, is always to the Emperor; to the Chapter his word is law in a far more real way than most Chapters or Imperial Citizens may adhere to it.

The Chapter has abandoned battle and campaigns on the word of an Inquisitor as the Inquisitions power devolves from the Emperor. In fact any organisation or individual who can speak with power that comes from the Emperor will make the Chapter take notice, the only time the Iron Angels would dare to break from that word would be in fullfillment of an honour debt.

 

The power of the Astartes derives from the Emperor as well.

 

All Battle-Brothers, from the newly incuted up to the Chapter Master, are trained to use a jump pack in accordance with the typical method of warfare of the Iron Angels. On occasions when such methods are impossible or inadvisable, however, the training that each Brother recieves in a secondary role comes into effect; for example Heavy Weapons training to form a Devastator Squad.

 

You need to tie it into the home world a little better. The links should always be clear.

 

Also, would the whole loyalty code thing have any real effect on their combat doctrine?

 

The Iron Angels follow the standard organisation structure of ten Comapnies; it is only the roles these companies fulfill where true differences lie.

 

Above all the Companies lays the Chapter Masters Household force of approximately forty men, a practice gleaned from the retinues of wealthy nobles from Jericia, which consists of Veteran Brothers, Chapter Specialists and certain promising Battle-Brothers.

The First Company numbers around eighty veterans and, unlike a standard Veteran Company, do not use the Chapters few suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour; that role reserved for the Chapter Masters Household.

The Second through Eighth Companies are standard Battle Companies organised along those lines, which each Battle-Brother trained to use a jump pack as well as in a secondary speciality.

The Ninth Company are known as the 'Headhunters', following a short and bloody campaign upon Drazshan, and are perhaps the most barbarous and savage of all the Iron Angels as most of the Brothers are drawn from the neighbouring Vaskis Cluster; famed for its savage Deathworlds and barbaric tribes. Following the Drazshan Campaign the Ninth replaced its standard Combat Blade with a small handaxe in honour of their title.

The Tenth is still responsible for training Scouts, however there is approximately a seventy-five/twenty-five split between the percentage of new and Veteran Scouts; with these teams assigned on a semi-permanent basis to a Company.

 

Why diverge from the Codex in this fashion? Explain.

 

* * *

 

It's getting pretty solid. You're still about 500 words short of typical IA length - I'd say at least some of that should be in the History, and you could talk about the Chapter's recruitment practices in the Geneseed section a bit, too.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Ok, maybe not then.... ^_^

 

I won't be playing FF for a while then!

 

I'm assuming that I complete those parts in a convincing manner then there is no more to come?

[Octavulg]

The Ice Lords took three years. But don't worry. I'm sure, if you work at it, you can get these guys done in two and a half, tops. ^_^

 

More seriously - this is a process. It can take quite a while (I am quite aberrant, in that I took three years. I'd say a good IA is more like a few months work, albeit it helps if you spread it out a little more). Don't beat yourself up about it. Take your time. Do it right. Beats trying to do it too quickly, burning out and never finishing, or having to start over.

 

EDIT: In regards to your other question...tough call. IAs are done when they are done. Sometimes, getting them closer points out other things that should be worked on, and you end up a little further away. Sometimes you end up even closer than you thought.

 

This is why I don't like the "gettotheLibrariumasfastaspossible" attitude. It only demoralizes people.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

This is why I don't like the "gettotheLibrariumasfastaspossible" attitude. It only demoralizes people.

 

Yeah, I've gotten past that stage; I would like to get them in, but the overriding concern is something that I can get workable fiction from ^_^

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Again...this really doesn't make any sense. At all. Only if there's virtually no water, and honestly not even then. Lots of mountains and big oceans would. Lots of mountains with big plains that are for some reason unlivable would. This doesn't.

 

See, this bit about the Homeworld I really don't want to change; I'll happily sacrifice all the water on the planet but I want to keep all the mountains.

Does it really have to make sense?

[Octavulg]

It kinda helps, yeah...

 

Having fewer mountains is justifiable - low tectonic activity, lots of erosion. But having a lot of mountains just doesn't make sense.

 

Why not just have a lot of mountains and a toxic atmosphere in the lower reaches? Even a slightly higher oxygen content would be dangerous for humans, but the thinner air higher up mountains would make living there OK. Especially justifiable if the world does a lot of mining or something.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

It kinda helps, yeah...

 

Having fewer mountains is justifiable - low tectonic activity, lots of erosion. But having a lot of mountains just doesn't make sense.

 

Why not just have a lot of mountains and a toxic atmosphere in the lower reaches? Even a slightly higher oxygen content would be dangerous for humans, but the thinner air higher up mountains would make living there OK. Especially justifiable if the world does a lot of mining or something.

 

Damn you... I wanted mountains! *stomps feet*.

 

Ooo... I sense a plan!

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Don't beat yourself up about it. Take your time. Do it right. Beats trying to do it too quickly, burning out and never finishing, or having to start over.

 

This, this times ten-bloody-hundred. Personal experience leads me to agree wholeheartedly.

 

Does it really have to make sense?

 

It depends. It can not make real-world sense and still not break the suspension of disbelief. However if it's too extreme in it's divergence from logic then it definetly needs to be reigned in a bit.

 

If you want it to make more sense, have the planetary crust shift every so often, violently, creating new mountains once every, say, thousand years or so? I'm not sure of the timescale you need or what's feasible either to be quite frank.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Basically I have borrowed the mining and toxic smog for Octavulg so:

 

Early history of Jericia featured alot of tectonic shifting and then later activity combined with mining has covered flat areas of the world in toxic smog that is heavier than normal air.

 

Plausible?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The only trouble I'm having is explaining the divergence of how the Companies work; I dislike the idea of Reserve Companies, but can't come up with a credible reason, dammit!

[Octavulg]

I'd say that's a lot more plausible - if we ever colonize Venus, we'll be living on the mountains because of the pressure (at least at first).

 

For the Companies...still have them be Reserve Companies, but have them adopt the structure of standard Battle Companies. That way the reserves are actually experienced at fighting the way Battle Companies do.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

If theres one thing I hate about you Octavulg, it's that when I'm wrong it's usually you who turns out to be right :lol:

[Octavulg]

It's a gift.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

So, I've updated all the points mentioned but I may have missed some continuity errors; I suck at editing.

[Octavulg]

I think you would be wise to take a break from the Iron Angels for a day or three, then come back and reread it yourself, seeing what you think.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I was thinking of waiting until I get to work tomorrow to print out the article and look that way, 'cause I'm not wasting my ink if I can help it! :)

[Octavulg]

That works too. But time helps at least as much. You'll notice small mistakes reading the text, but big mistakes and things you're unhappy with will usually need a little bit of time apart.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

That works too. But time helps at least as much. You'll notice small mistakes reading the text, but big mistakes and things you're unhappy with will usually need a little bit of time apart.

 

Aye, but at least once it's printed I can go back to it.. Doing things from the screen is my downfall... That an Chinese food.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Having spent an hour or three correcting minor details, I can no longer find any faults with the Iron Angels - which doesn't mean there are none left.

 

Thoughts?

 

EDIT Someone come and find fault, there must be one in there?? :D

[Brother_Kaelgrim]

Just noticed the Tally sidebar is a bit oddly placed, overlapping with the header. Otherwise, I'm liking the direction the Angels are taking now.

 

I would like to see the bit with the Mechanicus fleshed out a bit more. Its obvious the AdMech wants the tech, how did Garr work out a compromise? The Admech is usually very strict about their rights.

 

I would maybe portray Garr as a diplomatic sort, for an Astartes, as he comes from an older Chapter and may have had more dealings with the arms of the Imperium than some new recruit guy would. Maybe put his compromise with the AdMech down due to a diplomatic, but stubborn stance. After all, a society like Jericia's would be very polite to avoid unnecessary slights to one's honor and as an admirer Garr should share this trait.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Altered the layout.. Will consider the AdMech angle anew, but unsure about where and how to place an extra information.

 

EDIT: Have updated the origins section to expand on the AdMech thing, as well as to include a precursor to the Tally.

[Ace Debonair]

Right then, down to some nitpicking. Let's see what flaws we can unearth.

 

Captain Garr and his disciplined way made him an exceptional negotiator and diplomat backed by the fearsome image that only an Astartes can muster, yet the Magos was unmoved by his physical presence yet bowed before the logic of the Captain.

 

A 'yet' too many, perhaps?

 

"Where you come from matters not. You will become as Jericia; cold, hard and unforgiving."- Apothecary Hirrn.

 

The Chapter calls Jericia their home, the world lying between Cypra Mundi and Mordia.

Jericia is a cold, hard, world of mountains populated by a people with a level of technology only a few orders of magnitude below that of what could be found in Hives across the Imperium.

 

It's cold and hard then, on Jericia? :D

I'd alter the second instance, since the quote is undeniably cool. :D

 

The loyalty of the Chapter is a complex thing in its entirety, but to the outsider appears very simple; loyalty is first and foremost between Squad and Company much in the way a Jerician feels towards kind and township. To an Iron Angel the greatest loyalty, though never the first, is always to the Emperor and to the Chapter his word is law in a far more real way than most Chapters or Imperial Citizens may adhere to; it is to be obeyed in all circumstances.

 

I'm not sure what that means, exactly.

 

Following the Drazshan Campaign the Ninth replaced its standard Combat Blade with a small handaxe in honour of their title were given the honour of becoming a Battle Company, for the exemplary leadership displayed by Captain Warq, with the Sixth taking their place in the Reserve.

 

This reads a bit oddly, though I'm not sure what to replace it with since I don't know what your intentions were with this statement.

 

Looking good, all in all. :P

Hardly any nits to pick, it seems!

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I danced when i saw you posting, then I realised how long you were taking... ;)

 

It's cold and hard then, on Jericia?

I'd alter the second instance, since the quote is undeniably cool

- I'm forced to say: huh

- I get it now, thought you were being all technical! <_<

 

I'm not sure what that means, exactly.

- The highest loyalty an Iron Angel has is ot the Emperor, like today a Private would to his CIC, but his first loyalty will always be to his Squad - the way a Jerician will always be loyal to his family above a business aqauintance, for example.

 

The last point was just badly worded.. Which I shall fix!

 

So cheers Ace

 

EDIT: Fixed the above points, so... Next!